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Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic Number 481: Oddly, My Girlfriend Loved This Comic / PANEL 1 / Ellen: Seriously? He wants to get back together with me? / Marten: Yup, seems that way. / Ellen: Well sucks to be him then! He had his chance and he blew it. / PANEL 2 / Dora: One might argue his blowing of said chance was understandable given your rather clingy behavior towards him. / Ellen: Hmm. I STILL don't see what's so aweful about picking out our children's middle names ahead of time, but okay. / PANEL 3 / Faye: Does that mean you're going to get back together? / Ellen: Maybe, on a provisional basis. / Marten: "Provisional basis"? / PANEL 4 / Faye: That's girl code for "the boy has to do whatever the girl wants until further notice. Also she gets to withhold sex for as long as she likes." / Marten: Hmm, sounds like marriage to me. / Dora: No no, marriage is girl code for "abandon all hope, ye who enter here." / Ellen: Mawwage! Twue wuv!
Number 481: Oddly, My Girlfriend Loved This Comic [[In Coffee of Doom]] / Ellen: Seriously? He wants to get back together with me? / Marten: Yup, seems that way. / Ellen: Well sucks to be him then! He had his chance and blew it. / Dora: One might argue that his blowing of said chance was understandable given your rather clingy behavior towards him. / Ellen: Hmm. I STILL don't see what's so awful about picking out our children's middle names ahead of time, but okay. / Faye: Does that mean you're going to get back together? / Ellen: Maybe on a provisional basis. / Marten: "Provisional basis?" / Faye: That's girl-code for "the boy has to do whatever the girl wants until further notice. Also she gets to withhold sex for as long as she likes." / Marten: Hmm, sounds more like marriage to me. / Dora: No no, marriage is girl-code for "abandon all hope, ye who enter here." / Ellen: Mawwage! Twue wuv!
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday TITLE BAR: Number 482: Still Awaiting Actual Knighthood / PANEL 1 / Marten: Holy crap, who is this playing on the stereo? It sounds like Black Sabbath if Ozzy Osbourne weren't functionally braindead now. / Dora: It's this band called Early Man. Non-ironic seventies metal is awesome! / PANEL 2 / Faye: Imagine if these guys and The Darkness went on tour together. Ripped jeans and mullets would instantly become popular again! / Marten: I feel like I should be sitting on the hood of a brown T-top Firebird, all drinkin' Pabst Blue Ribbon in a 7-11 parking lot. / Dora: Can't you hipster kids enjoy _any_thing without being concerned about its cultural trappings? / PANEL 3 / Faye: Are you kidding? The dust is barely settled on irony's coffin. We're still far too self-conscious as a subculture to actually enjoy something for what it is. / Marten: I dunno, this album has some pretty _hawt lixx_ and _killer riffz._ I can get behind that for sure! / PANEL 4 / Dora: Judging by the size of the average indie-rock girl's butt, you all don't have any trouble appreciating donuts for what they are. / Faye: Oh right, because there's _no such thing_ as a chunky goth girl. Those size 56 vinyl pants at Hot Topic are just there for the amusement of the staff. / Marten: I for one appreciate the work of Sir Mix-A-Lot on a totally non-ironic level.
Number 482: Still Awaiting Actual Knighthood [[In Coffee of Doom]] / Marten: Holy crap, who is this playing on the stereo? It sounds like Black Sabbath if Ozzy Osbourne weren't functionally braindead now. / Dora: It's this band called Early Man. Non-ironic seventies metal is awesome! / Faye: Imagine if these guys and The Darkness went on a tour together. Ripped jeans and mullets would instantly become popular again! / Marten: I feel like I should be sitting on the hood of a brown T-top Firebird all drinkin' Pabst Blue Ribbon in a 7-11 parking lot. / Dora: Can't you hipster kids enjoy anything without being concerned about its cultural trappings? / Faye: Are you kidding? The dust is barely settled on irony's coffin. We're still far too self-conscious as a subculture to actually enjoy something for what it is. / Marten: I dunno, this album has some pretty hawt lixx and killer riffz. I can get behind that for sure! / Dora: Judging by ths size of the average indie-rock girl's butt, you all don't have any trouble appreciating donuts for what they are. / Faye: Oh right, because there's no such thing as a chunky goth girl. Those size 56 vinyl pants at Hot Topic are just there for the amusement of the saff. / Marten: I for one appreciate the work of Sir Mix-A-Lot on a totally non-ironic level.
Number 483: RAPTOR ISLAND Faye: Wahh, why do I have to work until close tonight? / Dora: Because I deserve at least one night off a week, Lazypus. / Faye: And what are you doing this evening that's so important, anyway? Polishing your corset? Shaving body parts I don't want to know about? / Dora: I have a date with a piont of Chunky Monkey icecream and horrible Sci-Fi original movies. / Faye: Lactose and Loreno Lamas? Lovely! / Dora: You can come over when you're done closing up, if you want. Bring skinny-boy here, he could use some ice cream in his diet. / Faye: Hmm. Ice cream and poorly-rendered CGI monsters are a tempting combination. Shall I bring some booze and make an official night of it? / Dora: Okay, but if you pass out on the floor we're leaving you to be devoured by my cat. / Faye: Marten, you'll protect me from her ravening feline, won't you? / Marten: I don't think you need to be worried. The alcohol fumes soaking out of your skin will knock him out before he can get close enough to bite anything vital.
Number 483: RAPTOR ISLAND [[At Coffee of Doom]] / Faye: Wahh, why do I ahve to work until close tonight? / Dora: Because I deserve at least one night off a week, Lazypus. / Faye: And what are you doing this evening that's so important, anyway? Polishing your corset? Shaving body parts I don't want to know about? / Dora: I have a date with a pint of Chunky Monkey ice cream and horrible Sci-Fi original movies. / Faye: Lactose and Lorenzo Lamas? Lovely! / Dora: You can come over when you're done closing up, if you want. Bring skinny-boy here, he could use some ice cream in his diet. / Faye: Hmm. Ice cream and poorly-rendered CGI monsters are a tempting combination. Shall I bring some booze and make an official night of it? / Dora: Okay, but if you pass out on the floor we're leaving you to be devoured by my cat. / Faye: Marten, you'll protect me from her ravening feline, won't you? / Marten: I don't think you need to be that worried. The alcohol fumes soaking out of your skin will knock him out before he can get close enough to bite anything vital.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Ellen: Okay, I should probably head home. I've got some studying to do. / Marten: I'll walk with you. There's leftovers in the fridge calling my name. / Faye: Aww, you're leaving me here all by my lonesome? / Marten: You're not alone, you've got Dora- / Dora: Actually I'm leaving too, this is the end of my shift. / Marten: Well uh Raven will- / Faye: Likek I said, all by my lonesome. / Raven: Aww, c'mon Faye. You say nasty things like that but I know you like me, deep down. / Faye: You're like a puppy who just chewed up a new pair of stilettos- you want to be angry at it, but it's clearly having a good time and thinks it just did you a favor. / Dora: When I try to imagine you in stilettos I get the sense that this metaphorical puppy really would be doing you a favor. / Faye: I'd be offended if you weren't right. Putting me in heels is like putting a giraffe on a unicycle- awkward, wobbly, and you know it can only end in tears. / Raven: What if it was a trained circus giraffe? / Marten: I'm sorry, what? I stopped paying attention the moment I realized they were talking about shoes.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Ellen: Okay, I should probably head home. I've got some studying to do. / Marten: I'll walk with you. There's leftovers in the fridge calling my name. / Faye: Aww, you're leaving me here all by my lonesome? / Marten: You're not alone, you've got Dora- / Dora: Actually I'm leaving too, this is the end of my shift. / Marten: Well uh Raven will- / Faye: Like I said, all by my lonesome. / Raven: Aww, c'mon Faye. You say nasty things like that but I know you like me, deep down. / Faye: You're like a puppy who just chewed up a new pair of stilettos- you want to be angry at it, but it's clearly haveing a really good time and thinks it just did you a favour. / Dora: When I try to imagine you in stilettos I get the sense that this metaphorical puppy really would be doing you a favour. / Faye: I'd be offended if you weren't right. Putting me in heels is like putting a giraffe on a unicycle- awkward, wobbly, and you know it can only end in tears. / Raven: What if it was a trained circus giraffe? / Marten: I'm sorry, what? I stopped paying attention the moment I realised they were talking about shoes.
485: Keyboard Through a Marshall! {{Title: 485: Keyboard Through A Marshall!}} / [[Marten and Ellen outside, returning to the apartment building]] / Marten: Mmm, leftover General Tso's Chicken / Ellen: Mmm, Kierkegaard and sea urchin mating habits. / [[Arriving at door]] / Ellen: See you later, Mart - / <>> / Marten: Augh! / [[Going upstairs]] / <> / <> / Marten: [[Fingers in ears, shouting over noise]] WHAT THE HELL IS THIS AWFUL RACKET?! / Ellen: [[Hands over ears]] I DON'T KNOW BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S COMING FROM MY APARTMENT!! / [[In Ellen's apartment, they find Amir with guitar, Natasha with keyboard, and big amp and speakers]] / Marten: What the heck are you guys doing in here, slaughtering cattle? / Amir: Nat and I started a band! We play electro-spaz post-hardcore. Did you like that song? / Ellen: Natasha, are you TRYING to get us evicted? That sounded like being ear raped by an electric toothbrush! / Natasha: Aw, really? I was going for more of a "beaten over the head with a running lawnmower" vibe for that tune.
485: Keyboard Through a Marshall! Marten: Mmm, leftover General Tso's chicken. / Ellen: Mmm, Kierkegaard and sea urchin mating habits. / Ellen: See you later, Mart-- / <> / Marten: Augh! / <> / Marten: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS AWFUL RACKET?! / Ellen: I DON’T KNOW BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE IT’S COMING FROM MY APARTMENT!! / Marten: What the heck are you guys doing in here, slaughtering cattle? / Amir: Nat and I started a band! We play electro-spaz post-hardcore. Did you like that song? / Ellen: Natasha, are you TRYING to get us evicted? That sounded like being ear raped by an electric toothbrush! / Natasha: Aw, really? I was going for more of a “beaten over the head with a running lawnmower” vibe for that tune.
 
486: It Isn't Safe {{Title: 486: It Isn't Safe}} / [[Natasha and Ellen in their apartment]] / Ellen: Look, you guys can do your little band thing, but not in our apartment. / Natasha: Yeah yeah, I know. We just got my keyboard today though so I was excited to try it out. / [[Widen to include Steve]] / Ellen: Marten, don't you play guitar? Maybe you could help them make their music a little more...musical. / Marten: Well, I dunno about that... / Natasha: You play? Sweet, you should come to our next practice and jam with us! / [[Shift to Amir, Steve, and Natasha]] / Marten: [[looking a little uncomfortable]] Well, I mean I'd like to, but I don't really play dissonant noisy stuff... / Amir: [[two finger sign]] That's okay! Just come down and we'll see what happens. We've got a practice space on Ward avenue, stop by at like seven tomorrow night and we'll rock out with our cocks out. / [[Widen to show all four]] / Marten: [[raising finger of condition]] I'll come play with you guys, but I have a strict cock-in policy when it comes to rocking out. / Amir: Don't worry, I was just jokin'. I tried that once and my bass chafed me up something awful. / Natasha: Ohh, so THAT'S where that scar came from! Here I thought you had a botched circum- / Ellen: [[leaving quickly]] OKAY GOING TO GO STUDY NOW
Number 486: It Isn't Safe [[Ellen and Natasha's apartment]] / Ellen: Look, you guys can do your little band thing, but not in our apartment. / Natasha: Yeah, yeah, I know. We just got my keyboard today though so I was excited to try it out. / Ellen: Marten, don't you play guitar? Maybe you could help them make their music a little more...musical. / Marten: Well, I dunno about that... / Natasha: You play? Sweet, you should come to our next practice and jam with us! / Marten: Well, I mean I'd like to, but I don't really play dissonant noisy stuff... / Amir: That's okay! Just come down and we'll see what happens. We've got a practice space on Ward avenue, stop by at seven tomorrow night and we'll rock out with our cocks out. / Marten: I'll come play with you guys, but I have a strict cock-in policy when it comes to rocking out. / Amir: Don't worry, I was just jokin'. I tried that once and my bass chafed me up something awful. / Natasha: Ohh, so THAT'S where that scar came from! I thought you had a botched circum- / Ellen: OKAY GOING TO GO STUDY NOW
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic #487: Everyone's Favorite Naked Goth Girls / Raven: ...Oh man, I was SO drunk that night. I musta had like eleven of those, what are they called? Shirley Temples! They're so good, you can't even taste the alcohol in them. / Faye: You better be careful with those drinks. They're what killed Keith Moon. / Raven: Keith who? / Faye: Exactly. / Raven: I know that face. That's your "I just made a joke at Raven's expense" face. I know I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, but can't you cut me a LITTLE slack? / Faye: Raven, honey, you're the lamb before the lion here. You set yourself up for it. Shirley Temples don't HAVE any alcohol in them. / Raven: Really? Well, there goes my excuse for dancing topless on the coffee table and making out with some random girl, then. / Faye: Sounds like some party! Better hope you didn't end up on a Girls Gone Wild video. / Raven: I'm pretty sure they weren't there, but there was an awkward moment where the girl I was making out with told me she was a Suicide Girl and I told her to get on Prozac before she hurt herself.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Raven: ... Oh man, I was SO drunk that night. I musta had like eleven of those, what are they called? Shirley Temples! They're so good, you can't even taste the alcohol in them. / Faye: You better be careful with those drinks, they're what killed Keith Moon. / Raven: Keith Who? / Faye: Exactly. / Raven: I know the face. That's your "I just made a joke at Raven's expense" face. I know I'm not the brightest bulb in the box but can't you cut me a LITTLE slack? / Faye: Raven, honey, you're the lamb before the lion here. You set yourself up for it. Shirley Temples don't HAVE any alcohol in them. / Raven: Really? Well there goes my excuse for dancing topless on the coffee table and making out with some random girl then. / Faye: Sounds like some party! Better hope you didn't end up on a Girls Gone Wild video. / Raven: I'm pretty sure they weren't there, but there was this awkward moment where the girl I was making out with told me she was a Suicide Girl and I told her to get on Prozac before she hurt herself.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic # 488: Nice Jacket, Raven / Faye: I'm sorry Raven, I really don't mean to be so snarky with you. I'm just a very defensive person. / Raven: Why would you need to defend yourself from me? / Faye: Well, not YOU specifically, but...some things happened in my past that make it hard for me to really trust people nowadays. / Raven: That sucks and I'm sorry, but if it happened in the the past can't you just leave it there and move on? / Faye: I...that is, it's not...not, you're right. I SHOULD be able to deal with it more constructively, I just don't know how yet. I shouldn't expect people to just humor me until I can get over my shit though. / Raven: We wouldn't humor you if we didn't like you. And people DO like you, Faye. But there's a difference between dealing with issues and bein' a big ol' cranky bitch all the time, you know? / Faye: God, THERE's a terrifying thought - what if I'm just a bitch at heart? Would Hitler still have been Hitler if he had gotten into art school? / Raven: He would have been the only thing worse than Hitler - a slightly more pretentious Hitler! The only thing that could stop him would be Poetry Major Churchill!
Comic 488: Nice Jacket, Raven Faye: I'm sorry Raven, I really don't mean to be so snarky with you. I'm just a very defensive person. / Raven: Why would you need to defend yourself from me? / Faye: Well, not YOU specifically, but... some things happened in my past that make it hard for me to really trust people nowadays. / Raven: That sucks and I'm sorry, but if it happened in the past, can't you just leave it there and move on? / Faye: I... that is, it's not... no, you're right. I SHOULD be able to deal with it more constructively, I just don't know how yet. I should't expect people to just humor me until I can get over my shit though. / Raven: We wouldn't humor you if we didn't like you. And people DO like you, Faye. But there's a difference between dealing with issues and bein' a big ol' cranky bitch all the time, you know? / Faye: God, THERE'S a terrifying thought - what if I'm just a bitch at heart? Would Hitler still have been Hitler if he had gotten into art school? / Raven: He would have been the only thing worse that Hitler - a slightly more pretentious Hitler! The only thing that could stop him would be Poetry Major Churchill!
Number 489: Like A Competent Dr. Phil [[outside apartment]] / Faye: Well, this is my building. Do you live nearby? / Raven: Omigod I totally followed you home by accident! No, I'm like the other side of Main street. / Faye: While you're here, do you wanna come over to Dora's with us? We didn't mean to exclude you from the evening's activities. / Raven: Really? You're sure I won't be a fifth wheel? / Faye: Yes, I'm sure. Especially since there'll only be four of us there anyway. / Raven: Heee, hooray! I was right about you, you're not a total bitch ALL the time! / Faye: Coming from anyone else that'd be a grave insult. Somehow it's easier to face the awful truth when there's no malicious intent behind it. / Raven: That's me- brutally honest, only instead of brutality there's smiles! / Faye: Oh man, remind me to take you with me next time I go shopping. It's impossible to get a straight answer out of Marten when he's preoccupied with not looking at my boobs.
Like a Competent Dr. Phil [[Faye and Raven, outside apartment building]] / Faye: Well, this is my building. Do you live nearby? / Raven: Omigod I totally followed you home by accident! No, I'm like on the other side of Main street. / Faye: While you're here do you wanna come over to Dora's with us? We didn't mean to exclude you from the evening's activities. / Raven: Really? You're sure I won't be a fifth wheel? / [[Interior corridor]] / Faye: Yes I'm sure. Especially since they'll only be four of us there anyway. / Raven: Heee, hooray! I was right about you, you're not a total bitch ALL the time! / Faye: Coming from anyone else that'd be a grave insult. Somehow it's easier to face the awful truth when there's no malicious intent behind it. / Raven: That's me - brutally honest, only instead of brutality there's smiles! / Faye: Oh man, remind me to take you with me next time I go shopping. It's impossible to get a straight answer out of Marten when he'd preoccupied with not looking at my boobs.
Questionable Content 490: Superb Owls Faye: Marten, I'm home, and I brought a Raven with me. / Marten: Hey, what's up? / Raven: I like your apartment! / Faye: She'll be coming with us to Dora's tonight. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get changed. / Marten: Awesome, make sure it's something revealing. / Faye: Har har. How about a barrel over a burkha over burlap? / Raven: That sounds itchy. / Raven: Well hello little robot thingy, what's your name? I'm Raven. / Pintsize: I'm Pintsize, and you have some truly excelent hooters. / Marten: Pintsize! / Raven: No, it's okay. I really do have some excelent hooters. I mean, look at 'em / Faye: Wow, I sure picked an opportune moment to reenter the conversation. / Pintsize: Wet T-shirt contest!
Number 490: Superb Owls [[In Marten and Faye's Apartment]] / Faye: Marten, I'm home and I brought a Raven with me. / Marten: Hey, what's up? / Raven: I like your apartment! / Faye: She'll be coming with us to Dora's tonight. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get changed. / Marten: Awesome, make sure it's something revealing. / Faye: Har har. How about a barrel over a burkha over burlap? / Raven: That sounds itchy. / Raven: Well hello little robot thingy, what's your name? I'm Raven. / Pintsize: I'm Pintsize, and you have some truly excellent hooters. / Marten: Pintsize! / Raven: No, it's okay. I really do have some excellent hooters. I mean, look at 'em! / Faye: Wow, I sure picked an opportune moment to reenter the conversation. / Pintsize: Wet T-shirt contest!
 
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic #491: So Disappointing / Marten: I still think Pintsize's wet T-shirt idea was a good one. / Faye: If you think it's such a good idea, you do it. / Marten: Are you kidding? I'd look like a half-drowned whippet. Somehow I doubt that would be particularly tittilating. / Raven: Actually, I wouldn't be very titti-whatevering either. I've got hella stretchmarks. / Marten: What, on your hips? / Raven: No, on my boobs, from puberty. I was an early bloomer. / Faye: As a 50% shareholder in StretchMarks Incorporated, I feel your pain. / Raven: I used to be really self-conscious about them, but once I slept with a couple guys I realized that once you get topless, most guys couldn't care less about a couple lines here or there. / Marten: I don't mind stretchmarks. Little imperfections like that on a lady are comforting. / Faye: Oh, Marten, I'm so relieved. See, I have this hairy third nipple underneath my right boob, and I was afraid it'd freak you out. / Marten: Really? Awesome! I've got a third testicle! Let's bang! / Raven: Wait, THAT'S the source of your issues? What an anticlimax.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday {{Title: Number 491: So Disappointing}} / [[Faye, Marten and Raven exiting the apartment]] / Marten: I still think Pintsize's wet T-shirt idea was a good one. / Faye: If you think it's such a good idea, you do it. / Marten: Are you kidding? I'd look like a half-drowned whippet. Somehow I doubt that would be particularly titilating. / Raven: Actually, I wouldn't be very titti-whatevering either. I've got hella stretchmarks. / Marten: What, on your hips? / Raven: No, on my boobs, from puberty. I was an early bloomer. / Faye: As a 50% shareholder in Stretchmarks Incorporated, I feel your pain. / Raven: I used to be really self-conscious about them, but once I slept with a couple guys I realized that once you get topless, most guys couldn't care less about a couple lines here or there. / Marten: I don't mind stretchmarks. Little imperfections like that on a lady are comforting. / Faye: Oh Marten, I'm so relieved. See, I have this hairy third nipple underneath my right boob and I was afraid it'd greak you out. / Marten: Really? Awesome! I've got a third testicle! Let's bang! / Raven: Wait, THAT'S the souce of your issues? What an anticlimax.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic #492: As Seen in Jackie Chan Movies / Marten: You know, it's nice to see that you're able to joke around about some of your issues, Faye. / Faye: Well, I'm trying to be a little better about dealing with things. Humor is a good way of maintaining control and distance over otherwise traumatic stuff. / Marten: Oh, totally. That's why when I die I want my corpse to be packed with gunpowder and catapulted into a Hawaiian volcano. No mourning allowed! / Faye: Hah! Will you be wearing a lei and a floral shirt? / Marten: Yep. Nude from the waist down. / Dora: What's this about nudity? / Faye: You missed it. We all got naked at my apartment and danced around like monkeys. / Dora: Suuure. And my cat wears a monacle and drinks cognac. / Raven: I'm pretty sure kitties aren't supposed to drink alcohol. / Faye: Cats no, Faye yes! Drinky drinky! / Dora: Christ, you've barely cracked open the bottle and already your sentence structure is down the tubes. This'll be a fun night. / Marten: I call dibs on any and all nude monkey dancing. / Raven: If you give a monkey alcohol, it will become an unstoppable martial artist!
Comic 492: As Seen in Jackie Chan Movies Marten: You know, it's nice to see that you're able to joke around about some of your issues, Faye. / Faye: Well, I'm trying to be a little better about dealing with things. Humor is a good way of maintaining control and distance over otherwise traumatic stuff. / Marten: Oh, totally. That's why when I die I want my corpse to be packed with gunpowder and catapulted into a Hawaiian volcano. No mourning allowed! / Faye: Hah! Will you be wearing a lei and a floral shirt? / Marten: Yep. Nude from the waist down. / Dora: What's this about nudity? / Faye: You missed it, we all got naked at my apartment and danced around like monkeys. / Dora: Suuure. And my cat wears a monocle and drinks cognac. / Raven: I'm pretty sure kitties aren't supposed to drink alcohol. / Faye: Cats no, Faye yes! Drinky drinky! / Dora: Christ, you've barely cracked open the bottle and already your sentence structure is down the tubes. This'll be a fun night. / Marten: I call dibs on any and all nude monkey dancing. / Raven: If you give a monkey alcohol it will become an unstoppable martial artist!
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic #493: Ambush! / Faye: I bet at the end of the movie he ends up matin' with the Queen Raptor. / Dora: I'm sure that would please the Sci-Fi Channel's undoubtedly large furry demographic. / Raven: Run, Lorenzo Lamas! Run from the dinosaurs! / Faye: No, no, that's zoophilia. It'd be furry porn if he were DRESSED UP as a raptor and bangin' a chick in an iguana costume. / Marten: "next on Sci-Fi -- Raptor Island 2: Furry Island! A land where the law of the jungle is yiff or be yiffed!" / Raven: Gotta pee gotta pee. / Dora: Run, Lorenzo Lamas! Run from the furries! / [[sounds from outside of panel]] / Cat: Meow! / Raven: EEEK! / <> / <> / Marten: Dude, I think your cat just bludgeoned Raven to death. / Dora: Man, I hope not. I can see myself now, testifyin' against him in court, dual coverage by CNN and Animal Planet, PETA protestin' outside the courthouse... / Faye: When a housecat kills a human he is regarded as a god by his feline peers.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Number 493: Ambus! Faye: I bet at the end of the movie he ends up matin' with the Queen Raptor. / Dora: Im sure he would please the Sci-Fi Channel's undoubtedly large furry demographic. / Raven: Run, Lorenzo Lamas! Run from the dinosaurs! / Marten: "Next on Schi-Fi Raptor Island 2: Furry Island! A land where the law of the jungle is yiff or be yiffed!". / Faye: No no, that's zoophilia. It'd be furry porn if he were DRESSED UP as a raptor and bangin' a chick in an iguana costume. / Dora: Run, Lorenzo Lamas! Run from the furries! / Raven: Gotta pee gotta pee. / Raven: Meow! EEEK! / Marten: Dude I think your cat just bludgeoned Raven to death. / Faye: When a housecat kills a human he is regarded as a god by his feline peers. / Dora: Man, I hope not. I can see myself now, testifyin' against him in court, dual coverage by CNN and Animal Planet, PETA prostestin' outside the courthouse...
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic # 494: Trapped in the Bathroom / Faye: What on earth happened in there, Raven? / Raven: I was under the sink looking for more toilet paper and the kitty startled me and I jumped and I hit my head and fell over. / Dora: Well, you got quite a bump on your head, but I don't think it did any permanent damage. To my sink, anyway. / Raven: Aww, you mean I don't have to go to the hospital? Ambulance drivers are always hotties. / Dora: Ah, Raven, ever the pragmatist. / Faye: She's right, you know. First thing I remember after my car accident was the EMT's cute butt. / Marten: Here, hold this against your head. It'll help with the swelling. / Raven: Aww, thank you Marty. Can I have a kiss on my bump to make it better? / Marten: I think Faye should do it. That'd be hot. / Raven: I'm not THAT drunk yet, silly. / Faye: It's the "yet" that I find most alarming. / Dora: "Kiss on my Bump" sounds like an R. Kelly song.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[Faye helping Raven after an encounter with the sink]] / Faye: What on earth happend in there, Raven? / Raven: I was under the sink looking for more toliet papper and the kittty startled me and I jumped and I hit my head and fell over. / Dora: Well, you got quite a bump on your head but I don't think it did any permanent damage. To my sink, anyway. / [[Faye has taken her arm off Raven, Raven has turned to look at Dora]] / Raven: Aww, you mean I don't have to go to the hospital? Ambulance drivers are always hotties. / Dora: Ah Raven, ever the pragmatist / Faye: She's right, you know. First thing I remember after my car accident was the EMT's cute butt. / [[Marten has brought Raven an ice pack]] / Marten: Here, hold this against your head. It'll help with the swelling. / Raven: Aww, thank you Marty. Can I have a kiss on my bump to make it better? / [[Wide angle shot off everyone, Raven is holding the ice pack on her head]] / Marten: I think Faye should do it. That'd be hot. / Raven: I'm not that drunk yet, silly. / [[Faye turns to Dora with an eyebrow raised]] / Faye: It's the "yet" that I find most alarming. / Dora: "Kisson my bump" sounds like an R.Kelly song.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic #495: Sexy Hat Trick / Faye: Well, that was certainly an edifying movie. What shall we do now? / Dora: How about strip poker? Bring a whole new meaning to the phrase "No Limit Hold 'Em". [[Wink]] / Raven: Hee hee, sounds like fun. / Faye: Not all of us are as uninhibited as you, Dora. / Dora: Ain't that the unfortunate truth. / Raven: Hey, speak for yourself. I'm not inhibited, watch and see. / <> / [[Marten making the most amazing face ever, that you have to look at the comic to see]] / Faye: Wha...you...hey! / Raven: Oh settle down, Faye, I was just proving a point. He's not even my type. I don't like guys with bony bottoms. / Marten: Hey, I'm no big fan of it either. I practically need a belt to hold up my boxers. / Dora: Meh, been there done that. Now if you can pull off the Marten-Faye-Pintsize ass trifecta, THEN I'll be impressed.
Number 495: Sexy Hat Trick Faye: Well, that certainly was an edifying movie. What shall we do now? / Dora: How about strip poker? Bring a whole new meaning to the phrase "No Limit Hold 'Em". / Raven: Hee hee, sounds like fun. / Faye: Not all of us are as uninhibited as you, Dora. / Dora: Ain't that the unfortunate truth. / Raven: Hey, speak for yourself. I'm not inhibited, watch and see. / <> / Faye: Wha...you...hey! / Raven: Oh settle down Faye, I was just proving a point. He's not even my type, I don't like guys with bony bottoms. / Marten: Hey, I'm no big fan of it either. I practically need a belt to hold up my boxers. / Dora: Meh, been there done that. Now if you can pull off the Marten-Faye-Pintsize ass trifecta, THEN I'll be impressed.
 
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic #496: Like a Log / Faye: Much as I hate to deny Marten any more opportunities for sexual harassment, it's time I went home and got some sleep. / Dora: Aww, you're not even fall-down drunk yet! Where's the fun in that? / Marten: Hey, I'm glad she's not totally smashed. Means my junk won't be. / Faye: I'd ask if I'll ever live that headbutting incident down, but I've never been a fan of needless rhetoric. / Dora: Honey, if you think your junk is EVER safe around her, you're sorely mistaken. / Faye: Thank you for the lovely evening, Dora. We'll ahve to return the favor sometime. / Dora: No worries. It was good to have some other humans in the apartment for once. Helps keep the voices quiet, you know? / Faye: I'm going to assume you were either joking or referring to some noisy neighbors. / Faye: What are you going to do about Raven? / Dora: Oh, I'll let her sleep. I'll just take her pants hostage tomorrow morning until she agrees to buy me breakfast. / Faye: You might want to rinse her hair off in the sink while you're at it, before her hair gel permanently fuses her to the upholstery. / Raven: ZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic #497: Flights of Fancy / Marten: I had fun tonight! / Faye: I'm sure you did. It's not every night you get your bottom randomly grabbed by a lady. / Marten: Oh come on, you gotta admit it was pretty funny. / Faye: Raven does have a knack for putting me in my place, I suppose. / Faye: I'm just glad she didn't try to kiss you or anything. Bleah. / Marten: Yeah, that would have been bad. / Marten: It would have been even worse if she had gotten topless and climbed up on my -- / Faye: OKAY YES THAT WOULD BE BAD NOW MAY WE DISEMBARK FROM THIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT PLEASE!
Number 498: Return Of The OMG Turkeys Panel 1 / Turkey 1: OMG IT'S BEEN ANOTHER YEAR AND MARTEN STILL HASN'T BANGED ANYBODY YET / Turkey 2: I THINK HE SHOULD HOOK UP WITH DORA. DORA IS A FRIENS TO TURKEYS. / Panel 2 / Turkey 1: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT / Turkey 2: WELL JUST LOOK AT HER! SOMEONE THAT SKINNY SIMPLY CANNOT DEVOUR A WHOLE ROASTED TURKEY. / Panel 3 / Turkey 1: YOU HAVE A POINT FAYE IS CLEARLY A TWO OR THREE-TURKEY GIRL WHEN IT COMES TO THANKSGIVING / Turkey 2: AT LEAST. SHE PROBABLY ALSO EATS A COUPLE SEAGULLS AND SOME WRENS, JUST TO SACIATE HER INSANE APPETITE FOR BIRDFLESH. / Turkey 1: THREE CHEERS FOR DORA, FRIEND OF THE TURKEY / Turkey 2: SHE'S WELCOME TO THOSE INDIETITS, THOUGH. THOSE GUYS ARE ASSHOLES. ONE OF THEM TRIED TO FEEL ME UP! / Panel 4: / Various turkeys: HIP HIP, HOORAY! HIP HIP, HOORAY! HIP HIP, HOORAY! / Random turkey: Show us your breasts and we'll show you ours! / Narrator: Happy Thanksgiving from Questionable Content!
The Return Of The OMG Turkeys [[Two turkeys stand in the tall grass]] / Turkey1: OMG IT'S BEEN ANOTHER YEAR AND MARTEN STILL HASN'T BANGED ANYBODY YET / Turkey2: I THINK HE SHOULD HOOK UP WITH DORA. DORA IS A FRIEND TO TURKEYS. / Turkey1: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT / Turkey2: WELL JUST LOOK AT HER! SOMEONE THAT SKINNY SIMPLY CANNOT DEVOUR A WHOLE ROASTED TURKEY. / Turkey1: YOU HAVE A POINT FAYE IS CLEARLY A TWO OR THREE-TURKEY GIRL WHEN IT COMES TO THANKSGIVING / Turkey2: AT LEAST. SHE PROBABLY ALSO EATS A COUPLE SEAGULLS AND SOME WRENS, JUST TO SATIATE HER INSANE APPETITE FOR BIRDFLESH. / Turkey1: THREE CHEERS FOR DORA, FRIEND OF THE TURKEY / Turkey2: SHE'S WELCOME TO THOSE INDIETITS THOUGH. THOSE GUYS ARE ASSHOLES. ONE OF THEM TRIED TO FEEL ME UP! / [[A lot of turkeys standing around]] / All turkeys: HIP HIP, HOORAY! HIP HIP, HOORAY! HIP HIP, HOORAY! / Another turkey: Show us your breasts and we'll show you ours! / {{Text: Happy Thanksgiving from Questionable Content!}} / {{Comic name: Number 498: Return Of The OMG Turkeys}}
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic #499: This is a Theory of Mine / Marten: ...No, I'm serious. As indie bands age, they gradually turn into the Grateful Dead. Look at the last couple Sonic Youth and Stephen Malkmus albums. All jammy, meandering song structures, all extended guitar solos... / Faye: I don't think they're turning into the Grateful Dead so much as they can afford to buy more weed now. / Marten: Now that I think about it, if you combined Pavement and the Dead, you'd probably just get Broken Social Scene. / Faye: I think Spoon and pre-Wings Paul McCartney would make a lovely combination. / Marten: Ooh, how about Built to Spill and Cream-era Eric Clapton? / Faye: Wolf Parade and early Bowie! Modest Mouse and Johnny Cash! Isis and Led Zeppelin! Animal Collective and a bunch of squirrels high on LSD! / Marten: Wait, I thought Animal Collective were a bunch of squirrels on acid. / Faye: I think they think they're squirrels because of the acid. / Pintsize: What's this about squirrels and acid? Let me tell you, dissolving a squirrel is a lot more work than you'd think.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[Martin and Faye are walking home.]] / Martin: ...No, I'm serious. As indie bands age, they gradually turn into the Grateful Dead. Look at the last couple Sonic Youth and Stephen Malkmus albums. All jammy, meandering song structures, all extended guitar solos... / Faye: I don't think they're turning into the Grateful Dead so much as they can afford to buy more weed now. / Martin: Now that I think about it, if you combined Pavement and the Dead you'd probably just get Broken Social Scene / Faye: I think Spoon and pre-Wings Paul McCartney would make a lovely combination. / [[Martin and Faye enter their apartment]] / Martin: Ooh, how about Built to Spill and Cream-era Eric Clapton? / Faye: Wolf Parade and early Bowie! Modest Mouse and Johnny Cash! Isis and Led Zeppelin! Animal Collective and a bunch of squirrels high on LSD! / Martin: Wait, I thought Animal Collective were a bunch of squirrels on acid. / Faye: I think they think they're squirrels because of the acid. / Pintsize: What's this about squirrels and acid? Let me tell you, dissolving a squirrel in acid is a lot more work than you think.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Faye: Marten, do you like me? / Marten: Well I, uh, yeah, I thnik you're awesome. You're probably my best friend right now. / Faye: No, I mean do you have...feelings...for me. / [Panel with no dialogue] / Marten: I, uh, I guess the awkward silence is probably answer enough, but I swear my brain is trying to put together a genuine response. / Faye: it's okay honey, take your time. I realize this is like interrupting an intricate waltz with a sledgehammer to the knee.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday {{Number 500: The Talk, Part 1}} / [[Interior: Marten's apartment. Marten is walking through the living room as Faye sits on the couch. Faye gets Marten's attention.]] / Faye: Marten, do you like me? / [[Marten walks in front of the couch.]] / Marten: Well I, uh, yeah. I think you're awesome. You're probably my best friend right now. / Faye: No, I mean do you have... feelings... for me. / [[Marten and Faye stand and sit in awkward silence. Marten looks scared.]] / [[Marten sits, rubbing the back of his neck, looking away from Faye.]] / Marten: I, uh, I guess the awkward silence is probably answer enough, but I swear my brain is trying to put together a genuine response. / Faye: It's okay honey, take your time. I realize this is like interrupting an intricate waltz with a sledgehammer to the knee. / {{Copyright 2003-2005 J. Jacques}}
 
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Comic # 501: The Talk, Part 2 / Marten: So...do I have feelings for you? Umm. Well, we get along really well I think, except for the punchings-- / Faye: Wow, that sure paints ME in a flattering light. / Marten: No really, we obviously get along. I mean, we live together and hang out constantly and stuff, and you're totally gorgeous, so...uh...I mean, I think it's pretty natural that I'd have some feelings...for you by now... / Faye: I knew it. / Marten: You KNEW?! / Faye: Marten, you're an absolutely wonderful boy, and any girl would be incredibly lucky to be the object of your affection. But I just can't do that right now. I can't. I'm sorry. / Marten: I...uh...oh. Okay. Yeah. / Faye: Would you like to know why? / Marten: Gee, let me think. Nah, I'd much prefer a lifetime of uncertainty and speculation. / Faye: Dammit, I'm trying to open up to you here, Marten. Stop being a smartass.
Number 501: The Talk, Part 2 [[In Marten and Faye's apartment]] / Marten:So...do I have feelings for you? Umm. Well, we get along really well I think, except for the punchings- / Faye: Wow, that sure paints ME in a flattering light. / Marten: No really, we obviously get along, I mean we live together and hang out constantly and stuff, and you're totally gorgeous, so...uh..I mean, I think it's pretty natural that I'd have some feelings...for you by now... / Faye: I knew it. / Marten: You KNEW?! / Faye: Marten, you're an absolutely wonderful boy, and any girl would be incredibly lucky to be the object of your affection. But I just can't do that right now. I can't. I'm sorry. / Marten: I...uh...oh. Okay. Yeah. / Faye: Would you like to know why? / Marten: Gee, let me think. Nah, I'd much prefer a lifetime of uncertainty and speculation. / Faye: Dammit I'm trying to open up to you here, Marten. Stop being a smartass.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Faye: Well, all of this has a lot to do with my dad. / Marten: I kinda figured it would. / Faye: Yeah. Anyway... / Faye (speaking over a flashback): Dad was my best friend when I was growing up. I mean, I had friends at school and stuff, but he was MY DAD, you know? We were really close. / Faye (speaking over a flashback): I told him everything. When I accidentally killed Kenny Wallace's goldfish in fifth grade, I told him and he made me feel better. / Faye (speaking over a flashback):When I lost my virginity in the back of Kenny Wallace's Buick in twelft grade, I told him and he made me feel better. / Marten: You lost your virginity in the back of a Buick? / Faye: So what if I did? Lots of kids lose their virginity in cars! / Marten: No, I'm jealous. My first time was in the back of a Volkswagon Golf. Have you ever been in the backseat of one of those? It's hard enough just GETTING there, let alone getting your bone on.
The Talk, Part 3 Faye: Well, all of this has a lot to do with my dad. / Marten: I kinda figured it would. / Faye: Yeah. Anyway... / [[Faye describing her Father]] / Faye: Dad was my best friend when I was growing up. I mean, I had friends at school and stuff, buy he was MY DAD, you know? We were really close. / Faye: I told him everything. When I accidentally killed Kenny Wallace's goldfish in fifth grade, I told him and he made me feel better. / When I lost my virginity in the back of Kenny Wallace's Buick in twelfth grade, I told him and he made me feel better. / Marten: You lost your virginity in the back of a Buick? / Faye: So what if I did? Lots of kids lose their virginity in cars! / Marten: No, I'm jealous. My first time was in the back of a Volkswagon Golf. Have you ever been in the backseat of one of those? It's hard enough just GETTING there, let alone getting your bone on.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Faye (speaking over a flashback): Anyway, like I was saying dad and I were pretty much as close as a father and daughter can get. He loved mom, and he loved my little sis, but the two of us were like peas in a pod. / Faye (speaking over a flashback): My favorite memory of him will always be the milkshakes. We'd go down to the ice cream parlor and get vanilla milkshakes, and he'd pour a little bourbon in his. He wasn't an alcoholic or anything. I mean he'd have like the one milkshake with bourbon in it a week and that was it, but mom was raised Baptist and didn't want him drinkin' at all. It was our little secret. / Faye (speaking over a flashback): I mean, life wasn't PERFECT- we got into arguments and I was a cranky little bitch sometimes, like all teenagers are. / Faye (speaking over a flashback): Overall though, things were pretty much wonderful. Until that one morning. / Pintsize: DUN DUN DUNNNN! / Marten (back to the present): Goddamnit Pintsize that is NOT COOL. / Pintsize: I was only trying to enhance the drama! / Faye: Trust me, this is all the drama we'll need anytime soon.
Number 503: The Talk Part 4 503 / [[Flashback: Savannah, Faye's family]] / Faye: Anyway, like I was saying dad and I were pretty much as close as a father and a daughter can get. He loved mom, and he loved my little sis, but the two of us were like peas in a pod. / [[Flashback: Savannah, Faye with dad in ice cream parlor]] / Faye: My favorite memory of him will always be the milkshakes. We'd go down to the ice cream parlor and get vanilla milkshakes, and he'd pour a little bourbon in his. He wasn't an alcoholic or anything, I mean he'd have like the one milkshake with bourbon in it a week and that was it, but mom was raised Baptist and didn't want him drinkin' at all. It was our little secret. / [[Flashback: Savannah, Cranky Faye with dad]] / Faye: I mean life wasn't PERFECT - we got into arguments and I was a cranky little bitch sometimes, like all teenagers are. / [[Flashback: Savannah, Dad tickles Faye]] / Faye: Overall though, things were pretty much wonderful. Until that one morning. / Pintsize: DUN DUN DUNNNN! / [[In Marten and Faye's apartment]] / Marten: Goddamnit Pintsize that is NOT COOL. / Pintsize: I was only trying to enhance the drama! / Faye: Trust me, this is all the drama we'll need anytime soon.
The Talk, Part 5 Panel 1 / Pintsize: Mmmf hmm rmm dommf! / Marten: Quiet, you. You brought this upon yourself. / Faye: So. That one morning, real early, I heard dad get up and go down the stairs. / Panel 2 / Faye: I went down into the kitchen and saw the door to our backyard open. It was a beautiful morning. / Panel 3 / Faye: I went outside and saw dad standing in the yard, looking at the sunrise. He hadn't seen or heard me— I was about to say good morning when I saw what he had in his hand. I didn't even know we HAD a gun in the house. I took a step towards him— / Panel 4 / Faye: —and then he put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. / <>
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday {{Number 504: The Talk, Part 5}} / [[Faye, Marten, and Pintsize sit on the couch in their apartment. Pintsize's mout is duct-taped shut.]] / Pintsize: Mmmf hmm rmm dommf! / Marten: Quiet, you. You brought this upon yourself. / Faye: So. That one morning, real early, I heard dad get up and go down the stairs. / [[Younger Faye walks down the stairs in her house]] / Faye: I went down into the kitchen and saw the door to our backyeard open. It was a beautiful morning. / [[Younger Faye stands in the yard, looking at her dad from behind.]] / Faye: I went outside and saw dad standing in the yard, looking at the sunrise. He hadn't seen or heard me - I was about to say good morning when I saw what he had in his hand. I didn't even know we HAD a gun in the house. I took a step towards him - / [[Younger Faye holds out arm making a 'stop' motion, tears welling in her eyes]] / Faye: -and then he put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. / <> / {{Copyright 2004-2005 J. Jacques}}
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Faye: I remember Dad falling over, it's weird how quickly people fall over when they get shot in the head, and I ran to him... / Faye: His head was...it was a mess. I guess I screamed? I don't remember, but mom came running out and saw what happened. I guess I explained what happened, it's all kind of a blur. I remember mom running back to the back door to keep Amanda from seeing. I don't think she ever saw me or dad out in the yard. Then I remember ambulance sirens, someone gently pulling me away from dad...cleaning myself off in the shower and just not feeling anything at all. / Marten: But...why did he do it? / Faye: That's just it- I don't know! Nobody knows! He didn't leave a note. If he was depressed it never showed. Even mom has no idea. We...we all loved him so much. It just came out of nowhere. What could it have possibly been? What was so wrong that he had to keep it a secret from everyone he knew, even form his f-fuckin' FAMILY, so he could b-blow his brains out? What did we miss? What did we do wrong? How could he abandon us like that? How could he abandon m-ME like that? He ruined our lives! / Faye: Th...thank you, Marten. / Marten: Well what else was I gonna do, sit there and laugh at your misfortune? / Faye: Oh God, that'd be the ultimate in shadenfreude. My head would've exploded.
Questionable Content: Number 505: The Talk, Part 6 {{title: Number 505: The Talk, Part 6}} / [[interior Marten's apartment]] / [[Marten and Faye are sitting on the couch, Faye with her knees pulled up to her chest]] / [[Marten: light sky blue T-shirt, black "TEH"]] / [[Faye: tan T-shirt, white "XOXO"]] / Faye: I remember Dad falling over, it's weird how quickly people fall over when they get shot in the head, and I ran to him... / Faye: His head was...it was a mess. I guess I screamed? I don't remember, but mom came running out and saw what happened. / Faye: I guess I explained what happened, it's all kind of a blur. I remember mom running to the back door to keep Amanda from seeing. I don't think she rever saw me or dad in the yard. Then I remember ambulance sirens, someone gently pulling me away from dad...cleaning myself off in the shower and just not feeling anything at all. / Marten: But...why did he do it? / Faye: That's just it- I don't know! Nobody knows! He didn't leave a note. If he was depressed it never showed. Even mom has no idea. We.. we all loved him so much. It just came out of nowhere. / Faye: What could it have possibly been? What was so wrong that he had to keep it a secret from everyone he knew, even from his f-fuckin' FAMILY, so he could b-blow his brains out? What did we miss? What did we do wrong? How could he abandon us like that? How could he abandon m-ME like that? He ruined our lives! / [[Marten hugs Faye]] / Faye: Th...thank you, Marten. / Marten: Well what else was I gonna do, sit there and laugh at your misfortune? / Faye: Oh God, that'd be the ultimate in schadenfreude. My head would've exploded. / {{Copyright 2003-2005 J. Jacques}}
 
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Faye: After that, it was all pretty much a blur. I don't remember much of the funeral. I'd be walking around town and see people who knew dad, and notice the way they looked at me and whispered when they thought I wasn't looking. I knew that should have bothered me, but I didn't really feel anything. It was like someone took out my brain and replaced it with a down pillow. The guy I was sort of dating at the time stopped returning my calls. I knew that should have bothered me too, but I didn't feel like it mattered. / Faye: Mom was basically in hysterics for days. Amanda was upset, but I think it was as much because of mom freaking out as dad's death. I remember her trying to be at me up one day because she thought I didn't care. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that I couldn't even focus on it. I'd try to imagine dad's face and it would just kind of slip away. The whole world was a couple steps removed from me. I just went through the motions. / Faye: Then, one night a couploe weeks after the funeral, I was driving home from...somewhere, God, I don't even remember. It was raining and I was looking at my hands on the steering wheel and I remembered dad teaching me how to drive- you know, the whole "hands at 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock thing"- and all of a sudden it hit me. Just this huge, huge rush of guilt and anger and fear and sadness. I'm pretty sure I didn't actively steer towards the tree, but...I don't know. I just remember that wave of despair and then EMT's pulling me out of the car and putting me on a gurney. / Faye: It was at that point that the EMT's were struck by a drunk driver and both killed instantly. Then their ambulance exploded and a bear tried to sexually assault me. The bear was also on fire, form the ambulance explosion. Then the UFOs came, and revealed that the Illuminati was really behind my father's suicide. / Marten: You've...you've got to be kidding. / Faye: Hey, this is just what I remember. Apparently you hallucinate a lot in the middle of a psychotic episode triggered by a couple weeks of Acute Stress Disorder. The aliens were pretty cute, though. Little green men in diving helmets!
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[Martin and Faye are sitting on the couch in their appartment]] / Faye: After that, it was all pretty much a blur. I don't remember much of the funeral. I'd be walking around town and see people who knew dad, and notice the way they looked at me and whispered when they thought I wasn't looking. / I knew that should have bothered me, but I didn't really feel anything. It was like someone took out my brain and replaced it with a pillow. / The guy I was sort of dating at the time stopped returning my calls. I knew that should have bothered me too, but it didn't feel like it mattered. / Mom was basically in hysterics for days. Amanda was upset, but I think it was as much of because of mom freaking out as dad's death. I remember her trying to beat me up one day because she thought I didn't care. / It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that I couldn't even focus on it. I'd try to imagine dad's face and it would just kind of slip away. The whole world was a couple steps removed from me. I just went through the motions. / Then, one night a couple weeks after the funeral, I was driving home from...somewhere, God, I don't even remember. It was raining and I was looking at my hands on the steering wheel and I remember dad teaching me how to drive- you know, the whole "hands at 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock thing"- and all of a sudden it hit me. Just this huge, huge rush of guilt and anger and fear and sadness. / I'm pretty sure I didn't actively steer towards the tree, but...I don't know. I just remember that wave of despair and then EMTs pulling me out of the car and putting me on a gurney.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Marten: So what happened next? / Faye: Well I was pretty banged up from the accident, and incoherent for a long time. I didn't get out of a hospital bed for a couple weeks, and then they had me under observation in the psychiatric ward for a month after that, since I was basically unable to function and there was some question as the whether the car accident was intentional or not. / Faye: I never did finish college, did I ever tell you that? / Marten: No, I remember you talking about your major, but... / Faye: Yeah. This was the summer between somphmore and junior year. I never went back. I was in the hospital pretty much all summer, and when I got out I just stayed home when I wasn't at my therapist. / Marten: Wow, so that must have been like... / Faye: Two years, give or take. It took a LONG time to get to the point where I wasn't having constant panic attacks or dissociative episodes. They tried all kinds of medication on me, but it mostly did more harm than good. Eventually I got to the point where I felt like I could at least function in society without going to crazy and killing myself. There was nothing for me down south, though. Just people who remembered my father and things that reminded me of him. So that's when I decided to come up here. / Faye: And that's pretty much it. That's my story. The whole sad truth of it. / Marten: Wow, Faye. I'm...I'm going to sit here and look thoughtful until I can come up with something to say that doesn't make me sound like a total fucking idiot. / Faye: That time would be better spent getting me a box of tissues and some juice. I'm snottier than a 13 year old girl and more dehydrated than Joan Rivers' hoo-ha.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Martin: So what happened next? / Faye: Well I was pretty banged up from the accident, ind incoherent for a long time. I didn't get out of the hospitable bet for a couple weeks, and they had me under observation in the psychiatric ward for a month after that, since I was basically unable to function and there was some question as to wheter the car accident was intentional or not. / Faye: I never did finish college, did I ever tell you that? / Martin: No, I remember you talking about your major, but... / Faye: Yeah. This was the summer between sophmore and Junior year. I never went back. I was in the hospital pretty much all summer, and when I got out I just stayed at home when I wasn't at my therapist. <>> / Martin: Wow, so that must have been like... / Faye: Twp uears. give or take. It took a LONG time to get to the point where I wasn't having constant panic attacks or dissociative episodes. They tried all kinds of medication on me, but it mostly did more harm than good. / Faye: Eventually I got to the point where I felt like I could at least function in society without goig crazy and killing myself. There was nothing for me down south, though. Just people who remembered my father and things taht reminded me of him. So that's when I decided to come up here. / Faye: And that's pretty much it. That's my story. The whole sad truth of it. / Martin: Wow, Faye. I'm...I'm goin to sit here and look thoughtful until I can come up with something to say that doesn't make me sound like a total fucking idiot. / Faye: That time would be better spent getting me a box of tissues and some juice. I'm snottier than a 13 year old girl and more dehydrated tahn Joan Rivers' hoo-ha
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Marten: So...I guess I can understand why you don't want to be in a romantic relationship with me. / Faye: No, Marten. It's not that I don't WANT to be. It's that I know I can't do it right now. / Faye: Therapy helped, but it's the equivalent of breaking your leg - you can walk when you get out of physical therapy, but you can't run a marathon right away. I can function as a human being right now, and even have friends, but I can't handle a relationship. The sad truth is that no matter how much you love someone, how much you trust them, there's no way you know for sure they won't decide to remove themselves from your life someday. I can't handle that fact like a rational human being right now. I want to, Jesus Christ I do wish I could, but I can't. / Faye: I think I might be able to, someday, but I don't know for sure. And it isn't fair of me to make you wait. / Marten: But what if I WANT to- / Faye: Marten, think about what you're saying. I don't know when, or if, I'll ever be able to have a successful relationship with another person. I can't promise you the promises you deserve. Promises get broken. / Marten: Couldn't we just make out now and worry about everything else later? / Faye: Sure, if you want to trade one night of fun for me freaking out, running away, and never coming back. / Marten: Well shit. I was almost letting myself hope that you'd be all "man, it sure feels good to get that off my chest! Let's go have sex!" / Faye: If trauma were that easily dealt with, psychologists would work pro bono.
Number 508: The Talk, Part 9 [[Marten and Faye's Apartment]] / Marten: So...I guess I can understand why you don't want to be in a romantic relationship with me. / Faye: No, Marten. It's not that I don't WANT to be. It's that I know I can't do it right now. / Faye: Therapy helped, but it's the equivalent of breaking your leg- you can walk when you get out of physical therapy, but you can't run a marathon right away. I can function as a human being right now, and even have friends, but I can't handle a relationship. / Faye: The sad truth is that no matter how much you love someone, how much you trust them, there's no way you know for sure they won't decide to remove themselves from your life someday. / Faye: I can't handle that fact like a rational human being right now. I want to, Jesus Christ do I wish I could, but I can't. / Faye: I think I might be able to, someday, but I don't know for sure. And it isn't fair of me to make you wait. / Marten: But what if I WANT to- / Faye: Marten, think about what you're saying. I don't know when, or if, I'll ever be able to have a successful relationship with another person. I can't promise you the promises you deserve. Promises get broken. / Marten: Couldn't we just make out now and worry about everything else later? / Faye: Sure, if you want to trade one night of fun for me freaking out, running away, and never coming back. / Marten: Well shit. I was almost letting myself hope that you'd be all "man, it sure feels good to get all that off my chest! Let's go have sex!" / Faye: If trauma were that easily dealt with, psychologists would work pro bono.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday 1 / Marten: All right, it's my turn to talk now. / Faye: Okay, I'm listening. / Marten: If you'll take steps to get yourself fixed up- I mean more therapy, medication, whatever it takes, I'll do my best to treat you as a friend and not a girlfriend-in-waiting. / Faye: No, that's bullshit. Why would you want me to get better if you weren't planning on waiting for me so we could date? / 2 / Marten: Because I CARE about you, dammit. What you're doing right now isn't healiing, it's stasis. If I have to have you as a friend and not a girlfriend, I'd rather at least have you as a HAPPY friend. That means I don't want you saddled with the guilt of thinking I'm pining away for you while you get better. So I promise- / Faye: Don't promise, please. / Marten: Okay. I don't PROMISE. But i will try my BEST not to keep my romantic life in a holding pattern while you try to get yourself back on track. / 3 / Marten: And if, sometime in the future, you happen to be ready for a relationship and I happen to be available...no, let's just leave it at that for now. That's enough. / Faye: Marten, I'm so sorry for- / Marten: No, it's ok. Really. I mean, I'm not the happiest guy in the world right now, but it's okay. Thank you for being so honest with me. It means a lot. / 4 / Faye: I'm...really tired. I should probably go to bed. / Marten: Yeah, me too. / Faye: And by "go to bed" I mean "sob into my pillow until I pass out from exhaustion". / Marten: By "me too" I meant "wallow in crushing disappointment and self-pity." / Faye: Okay maybe we're being a little too honest with each other here. / Marten: Yeah, I think you're right. I mean, uh, "psht, whatever bitch."
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Marten: All right, it's my turn to talk now. / Faye: Okay, I'm listening. / Marten: If you'll take steps to get yourself fixed up- I mean more therapy, medication, whatever it takes, I'll do my best to treat you as a friend and not a girlfriend-in-waiting. / Faye: No, that's bullshit. Why would you awnt me to get better if you weren't planning on waiting for me so we could date? / Marten: Because I CARE about you, dammit. What you're doing right now isn' thealing, it's stasis. If I have to have you as a friend and not a girlfriend, I'd rather at least have you as a HAPPY friend. That means I don't want you saddled with the guilt of thinking I'm pining away for you while you get better. So I promise- / Faye: Don't promise, please. / Marten: Okay. I don't PROMISE. But I will try my BEST not to keep my romantic life in a holding pattern while you try to get yourself back on track. / Marten: And if, sometime in the future, you happen to be ready for a relationship and I happen to be available...no, let's just leave it at that for now. That's enough. / Faye: Marten, I'm so sorry for- / Marten: No, it's okay. Really. I mean, I'm not the happiest guy in the world right now, but it's okay. Thank you for being so honest with me. It means a lot. / Faye: I'm...really tired. I should probably go to bed. / Marten: Yeah, me too. / Faye: And by "go to bed" I mean "sob into my pillow until I pass out from exhaustion". / Marten: By "me too" I meant "wallow in crushing disappointment and self-pity." / Faye: Okay maybe we're being a little too honest with each other here. / Marten: Yeah, I think you're right. I mean, uh, "psht, whatever bitch."
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Marten (Reading note left by Faye): "Hey Martypantzorz, I'm at work. See you later! PS: Pintsize is in the freezer, next to the waffles. He deserved it." / Pintsize: Gasp! Thank God you're finally awake! Faye shut me in here like three hours ago! / Marten: Why did she do that? / Pintsize: I'm pretty sure it was it was either asking her whether you two got it on last night after I went to sleep, or the obscene hip gyrations that accompanied my query. Now help me out of here. / Pintsize: Hey! / Marten: Mmm, waffles.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Marten: "Hey Martypantzorz, I'm at work. See you later! PS: Pintsize is in the freezer, next to the waffles. He deserved it." / Pintsize: Gasp! Thank God you're finally awake! Faye shut me in here like three hours ago! / Marten: Why did she do that? / Pintsize: I'm pretty sure it was either asking her whether you two got it on last night after I went to sleep, or the obscene hip gyrations that accompanied my query. Now help me out of here. / Marten: Mmm, waffles.
 

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