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| Number 301: Almost Badger-esque | [[Marten's apertment]]
/ Ellen: Ooh, hard cider! Can I have one?
/ Dora: I dunno. Marten, are we allowed to corrupt minors in your apartment?
/ Faye: Might as well get all her corruptin' over with in one night. / Martin: [[giving Ellen a cider]] Well, you're hanging out with trustworthy people and not driving anywhere, so I don't see why not.
/ Ellen: Yay! Thank you Marten! / Ellen: It's so nice to be treated as an adult instead of some stupid teenager.
/ Faye: You _are_ a teenager.
/ Ellen: Yeah, but not a stupid one. / Faye: That's debatable. You are dating Steve, after all.
/ Steve: Hey!
/ Ellen: [[to Dora]] Is she always this ornery?
/ Dora: Pretty much. Faye is like an alcoholic porcupine -- prickly and reeking of booze. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=301 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Ellen: Ooh, hard cider! Can I have one?
/ Dora: I dunno. Marten, are we allowed to corrupt minors in your apartment?
/ Faye: Might as well get all her corruptin' over with in one night. / Marten: Well, you're hanging out with trustworthy people and not driving anywhere, so I don't see why not.
/ Ellen: Yay! Thank you Marten! / Ellen: It's so nice to be treated as an adult instead of some stupid teenager.
/ Faye: You are a teenager.
/ Ellen: Yeah, but not a stupid one. / Faye: That's debatable. You are dating Steve, after all.
/ Steve: Hey!
/ Ellen: Is she always this ornery?
/ Dora: Pretty much. Faye is like an alcoholic porcupine- prickly and reeking of booze. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=301# |
| Number 302: Next Time On Cops | [[Dora enters Marten's kitchen]]
/ Dora: Hey you. Whatcha doin' in here?
/ Marten: Oh, just making some popcorn for everybody. / Dora: Such a nice boy, always thinking of other people.
/ Marten: Heh, not really. I kinda wanted some popcorn too. How are you doing, anyway? Still feeling kinda down? / Dora: Oh don't worry about me, I'm fine. I'm pretty drunk though, so I apologize in advance if I make an ass of myself at some point tonight.
/ Marten: Heheh. How do you know you haven't already? / Dora: Because I still have all my clothes on, the police aren't kicking down the door, and Faye isn't trying to blackmail me with a videotape of my actions.
/ Marten: I don't think Faye is sober enough to operate a video camera right now, but you might want to lay off the alcohol for a little while anyway. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=302 |
| Number 303: Marlboro Man | PANEL 1
/ Faye: Well look who decided to grace us with his presence this evening. How'd your date go, Don Robo-Juan?
/ Pintsize: My hard drive is awash with kissy emoticons. / PANEL 2
/ Faye: Ellen, meet Pintsize. He's Marten's AnthroPC.
/ Ellen: Aww, he wore a little tie and everything for his date! So cute!
/ Pintsize: Yeah, she liked the tie. Chicks always like the tie. / PANEL 3
/ Pintsize: If you'll excuse me ladies, I'm going to go into power saving mode for the night. Ta ta! / PANEL 4
/ Steve: Wow, getting laid sure mellowed him out.
/ Faye: Seriously. Usually by now he'd have accidentally set the coffee table on fire or something.
/ Marten: I don't know where he got that cigarette but it better be out before he goes to sleep.
/ Ellen: The university has a couple AnthroPCs in the library at school. They make fun of you if you try to get any actual work done on them. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=303 |
| Number 304: I Am Bad At Connect Four | [[On the couch in Marten's apartment]]
/ Ellen: ...They always stick their arms through the holes and try to climb out of the tank. My professor thinks that the octopuses just don't know how to play Connect Four, but my theory is that they're actually playing a game of their own, and we researchers are their pawns.
/ Faye: I'm just drunk enough to completely believe that. / [[Aside to Marten]]
/ Dora: Oh-say, Arten-may, ow-hay are ings-thay owing-gay ith-way Aye-fay?
/ Marten: Huh? Oh, I get it. They're pretty much the same as ever. / [[Note stuck to the fridge reads, "DO NOT EAT THE HAM"]]
/ Marten: She sort of has an un-pig-latin-able first name, doesn't she. Well anyway, my plan is still to just take it easy and see how things go.
/ Dora: I think that's the best you can do. Besides, you're fun to conspire with. We can be hella sneaky together! / Faye: What're you two talkin' about? Was Dora speakin' in tongues a minute ago?
/ Dora: [[looking Heavenwards]] Yes, I found Jesus just now.
/ Marten: Turns out he was in the kitchen this whole time. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=304 |
| Number 305: He Is So Smooth | [[In Marten's apartment]]
/ Steve: Well guys, it's been fun, but we should probably get going.
/ Ellen: Thank you for inviting me!
/ Faye: No problem kiddo. See you around.
/ [[They leave]] / Marten: Aww yeah, alone with two fine-ass ladies at last. Time for some hot threesome action.
/ Faye: Okay that was so brazenly over the top that I just can't punch you for it.
/ Dora: Aww, you were joking? / Marten: Thass right baby, don't punch. Give in to the LOVE. Get on the Marten train to Dora town, baby.
/ Faye: Gah!
/ Dora: Dora town is a sexy place! Rawr! / Marten: Ow ow ow! No more hitting! I was just jokin' around!
/ Faye: I am teaching you the concept of "taking a joke too far." Now hold still so I can strike you some more.
/ Dora: Aww, you were joking again? http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=305 |
| Number 306: EyeHateSkynyrd | [[In Marten's apartment]]
/ Faye: Ahh, much better. I had to race like a piss-horse.
/ Dora: Piss-horse would make an awesome name for a souther doom-metal band.
/ Marten: Heh, they'd play Lynyrd Skynyrd songs tuned down to drop-G and at a fourth their original speed. Their version of "Freebird" would be like forty-seven minutes long! / Faye: You seem to be cheering right up, Dora. I can practically see the angsty-toxins seeping from your pores!
/ Dora: It's like I told you. Sometimes all a girl needs is some alcohol and social interaction to brighten her mood. / Dora: Plus I got some eye-candy earlier when Marten was flexing for you. Rawr! [[she pokes him]]
/ Faye: Eye-candy? Where? The boy is skinnier than a slide-rule with an eating disorder.
/ Marten: I appreciate the implication that while I may be freakishly emaciated, I am at least highly scientific. / Dora: Oh don't play dumb, Faye. We all know you like ze skinny boys.
/ Faye: I like to punch them. They fly farther.
/ Marten: At sufficiently high velocity, the skinny indie rock dude forms what people in the aerospace industry call a "lifting body." NASA's next generation orbital vehicle will be powered entirely by Guided By Voices fans being kicked repeatedly by a drunken Bob Pollard. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=306 |
| Number 307: Crash Test Dummy | [[In Marten's apartment. Faye pulls down one strap of her top to scratch.]]
/ Faye: Gah, itchy boob!
/ Dora: Woah, that's a hell of a scar you've got there, Faye. How did that happen?
/ Marten: I've asked her but she won't tell me. / [[Faye reveals the scar more]]
/ Faye: I was in a pretty bad car accident a few years ago. I wrapped my car around a tree and was in the hospital for a couple days afterward. The doctors weren't really sure what caused the cut, but it was pretty deep -- apparently there's a little notch in a couple of the ribs beneath the scar now. It still itches sometimes. / Marten: Well, I'm glad you came out of it okay in the end.
/ Faye: Yeah...
/ Dora: I have a couple little pockmarks on my right butt-cheek from where a dog bit me when I was eleven. / Marten: A dog bit you on the ass? How did that happen?
/ Dora: I was kind of mooning it at the time. My big brother dared me to do it.
/ Faye: I'd ask to see proof of this canine bottom-bite, but I'm afraid the glare from your ivory booty-flesh would blind us all. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=307 |
| Number 308: Poker Face | [[In Marten's aprtment]]
/ Dora: As fun as tonight's been kids, I should really get home and catch some shuteye.
/ Faye: We have an apartment to look at tomorrow, so sleep would probably be a good idea.
/ Marten: Good point. / [[Showing Dora out]]
/ Marten: Are you sober enough to get home okay by yourself?
/ Dora: I'll be fine, sweetie. Thanks for convincing me to come hang out tonight. It turned out to be a lot more fun than moping around my apartment and being ignored by my cat. / [[Back in the livingroom]]
/ Marten: Man, this has been a fun evening. It's nice to get everyone together and just hang out for a while, you know?
/ Faye: Indeed. I must say, you and Dora were thick as thieves tonight. Is there something going on there that I'm not aware of? / Marten: Yes. I am suave and cunning enough to hook up with Dora but keep you entirely unaware of it until just now. We were totally banging in the kitchen earlier.
/ Faye: Holy crap, I can't believe you managed to say that with a straight face. I think this is the first time you've ever out-sarcasmed me! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=308 |
| Number 308: Poker Face | [[In Marten and Faye's apartment]]
/ Dora: As fun as tonight's been, kids, I should really get home and catch some shuteye.
/ Faye: We have an apartment to look at tomorrow, so sleep would probably be a good idea.
/ Marten: Good point. / Marten: Are you sober enough to get home okay by yourself?
/ Dora: I'll be fine, sweetie. Thanks for convincing me to come hang out tonight. It turned out to be a lot more fun than moping around my apartment and being ignored by my cat. / Marten: Man, this has been a fun evening. It's nice to get everyone together and just hang out for a while, you know?
/ Faye: Indeed. I must say, you and Dora were thick as thieves tonight. Is there something going on there that I'm not aware of? / Marten: Yes. I am suave and cunning enough to hook up with Dora but keep you entirely unaware of it until just now. We were totally banging in the kitchen earlier.
/ Faye: Holy crap, I can't believe you managed to say that with a straight face. I think this is the first time you've ever out-sarcasmed me! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=308# |
| Number 309: Language Barrier | [[In Marten's apartment, cleaning up after the party]]
/ Faye: Marten, will you promise me something?
/ Marten: Hmm?
/ Faye: If some other girl eventually gets together with you, promise me you won't let her steal you away completely. / Faye: I value my friendship with you, and I'd be really sad if you stopped talkin' to me or hanging out with me because you were seein' some other lady. I mean, I'm not sayin' you can't date other girls! Just... if you do, please don't leave me in the dust, y'know? / Marten: I...I think I understand what you're saying. I mean if I did hypothetically start dating another girl I would still want you to be my friend. I can promise that that won't change.
/ Faye: Thank you, Marten. I mean, I'm still plannin' to keep you entirely to myself, but it's good to know anyway. / Marten: Okay now was that you being playfully possessive or were you actually being serious?
/ Faye: Well I'm drunk an' not entirely in control of what my mouth is sayin' right now, so you be the judge.
/ Marten: No, see, that doesn't help. It's like you were speaking perfect English and then lapsed into some obscure dialect of Girlese or something. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=309 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{Number 310: Duck It}}
/ [[interior Marten's blue apartment kitchen]]
/ Faye: Wakey wakey, Marten. Drink some coffee, down some painkillers. We have an apartment to look at in half an hour sharp.
/ Marten: Muh. Are those different glasses? / [[interior Marten's blue living room]]
/ Faye: Yep! I picked them up this morning while you were sleeping it off. Do you like them?
/ Marten: They look nice.
/ Pintsize: I want to come look at the apartment too! / Faye: No. We want to at least have a chance of getting it if it's nice.
/ Marten: Sorry buddy, but she's got a point.
/ Pintsize: Well all right then. I guess I'll just stay here alone... all by myself with Faye's underwear and your guitar... who knows what might happen to them... / [[Faye duct tapes Pintsize to the wall]]
/ Faye: Consider your bluff called.
/ Pintsize: Curses! I am powerless against the might of duct tape!
/ Marten: Robots always are. That was actually going to be the Fourth Law of Robotics, but Asimov's publisher made him change it. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=310 |
| Number 311: Sneaky Junk | [[on the street]]
/ Marten: Gah! Dammit!
/ Faye: What's the matter? / Marten: [[adjusting himself]] These stupid boxer shorts don't have a button on the front and my junk keeps sneaking out.
/ Faye: Thank you for the unnecessary briefing on the status of your boy-parts. Would you like your beating now, or when we get home later? / Marten: This is from the girl who routinely grosses me out with the details about her period.
/ Faye: The menstrual cycle is a perfectly natural part of the female reproductive system. / Marten: I didn't say it wasn't natural. I said talking about it is gross.
/ Faye: When you became my friend you were automatically enrolled in the Menstrual Discussion Plan. For an additional $15.99 per month you can upgrade to the Digestive Issues Bulletin Package. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=311 |
| Number 312: Solicitors Will Be Shot | [[outside new apartment]]
/ Lorena: Hello, are you Faye?
/ Faye: I am indeed!
/ Lorena: I'm Lorena Torres, we spoke on the phone about the apartment. Come on up and I'll give you a tour. / Lorena: So are you new roommates?
/ Faye: Oh no, we've lived together for a while now. I just decided I wanted my own bedroom so I could actually get some sleep. / [[awkward pause]]
/ Lorena: Oh, I...see... / Faye: You know, I think that sounded a lot more awkward out loud than it did in my head.
/ Marten: Okay, now imagine that every single thing you say feels like that. Now you know what it it like to be me.
/ Lorena: Don't worry about it honey, it'll take more than a little faux pas to faze me. The last couple who looked at this place was askin' if the ceiling joists were strong enough to support a sex swing. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=312 |
| Number 312: Solicitors Will Be Shot | [[Marten and Faye are going to look at a new apartment]]
/ Lorena: Hello, are you Faye?
/ Faye: I am indeed!
/ Lorena: I'm Lorena Torres, we spoke on the phone about the apartment. Come on up and I'll give you a tour. / [[Marten, Faye and Lorena are headed up the satirs]]
/ Lorena: So are you New roommates?
/ Faye: Oh no, we've lived together for a while now. I just decided I wanted my own bedroom so i could actually get some sleep. / [[in the hallway, outside the appartment]]
/ Lorena [[Looking a little uncomfortable]]: Oh, I...see... / Faye [[Scatching her head and looking away]]: You know, I think that sounded a lot more awkward out loud than it did in my head.
/ Marten: Okay, now imagine that every single thing you say feels like that. Now you know what it's like to be me.
/ Lorena: Don't worry about it honey, it'll take more than a little faux pas to phase me. The last couple who looked at this place was askin' if the ceiling joists were strong enough to support a sex swing. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=312# |
| Number 313: Those Damn Windows Took Forever To Draw | [[in the new apartment]]
/ Faye: Hey, this is pretty nice!
/ Lorena: Kitchen's off to the left, bedrooms and bath are on the right. It's a corner apartment so you get a lot of light during the day. / Faye: Ooh, the kitchen has a dishwasher!
/ Lorena: Everything is newly renovated and a lot of people in the building are around your age. It's pretty quiet, although the lady who lives in 226 vacuums at odd hours sometimes.
/ Marten: Right on, I think we can handle muffled vacuum noises. / Faye: Marten, I really like this place. What do you think?
/ Marten: It looks pretty good to me.
/ Lorena: They really did a great job of fixing it up. You'd never know there was a murder-suicide in here six months ago. / [[Marten looks shocked]]
/ Faye: ...Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about that. It was in the fine print in the classified ad.
/ Lorena: Okay, I'm impressed that you saw through my little joke, but playing along? That's just cold. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=313 |
| Number 314: Pi | Panel 1 / Lorena: ...And the security deposit is one month's rent. Do you have any pets?
/ Marten: Nope, not unless you count my AnthroPC. / Panel 2
/ Lorena: Well as long as it doesn't cause any major property damage it should be fine. / Panel 3
/ --- / Panel 4
/ Lorena: I don't like that look. That's the look the couple with the Great Dane exchanged when I asked if it was housebroken.
/ Marten: Well, I can promise that Pintsize is housebroken.
/ Faye: ... In that he is very good at breaking houses. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=314 |
| Number 315: Altruism Is Forever | [[in the new apartment]]
/ Lorena: Okay, I'll run your application tomorrow. Your references look good, so barring any credit issues you guys should be able to start moving stuff in next week.
/ Marten: Awesome, thanks a lot Lorena. / [[in the hallway]]
/ Faye: Heee! I'm so excited for this! I want to thank you again, Marten!
/ Marten: Thank me? For what? / Faye: You take me in when I need a place to stay, then you agree to move to a bigger one so I can have a little more room. You've been nothing but generous and kind to me.
/ Faye: I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to get along with, but you try anyway. That means a lot to me. I don't know how to thank you enough. / Marten: I have a list. Every time I do something nice for you, it goes on that list. Eventually I'll have done so many nice things for you that the only way you'll be able to repay me is with insane amounts of lovin'.
/ Faye: Right, because nothing puts a lady in the mood for sexin' like false altruism.
/ Marten: It's cheaper than diamonds and twice as socially conscious! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=315 |
| Number 316: Post-Funny | [[in the hallway or the new apartment]]
/ Ellen: Hey guys!
/ Marten: Hey Ellen, we were just looking for your place to say hello.
/ Faye: Where's your boy? Still passed out in a haze of endorphins? / Ellen: Yeah, pretty much. We were up late last night.
/ Faye: We can just infer my obligatory joke about the two of you goin' at it like frenzied weasels and move on from there.
/ Marten: So does that make this a meta-Fayesical conversation? / [[Ellen and Faye stare at Marten]] / Marten: See, the joke is that I know puns aren't funny! It's meta-humor!
/ Ellen: You know, I was wondering why he was still single, but now I think I understand.
/ Faye: He's like an incontinent kitten. Endearing, but you don't want it on top of you. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=316 |
| Number 317: Ask, Not Tell | [[in Ellen's apartment]]
/ Ellen: Hey sweetie, I'm back from class.
/ Steve: So you are.
/ Natasha: Next time you sneak off to learn things, you might want to tell your man beforehand. He was kinda confused as to your whereabouts. / Ellen: Sorry, I didn't want to wake you. Has Nat been nice to you while I was out?
/ Natasha: I've been on my best behavior today. I even took a shower!
/ Steve: And she made me smell her armpits to prove it. / Steve: But yeah, I think we're past that whole awkward "hanging out with your girlfriend's roommate who you don't really know" stage.
/ Natasha: You handled it well. Ellen actually hid from the last boy I brought home.
/ Ellen: He had a purple mohawk and like thirty-twelve facial piercings! I thought he was gonna carve me up and use my femur as a decoration for his septum! / Natasha: Yeah, he was hot. Too bad his intelligence turned out to be inversely proportional to the amount of metal in his face.
/ Steve: By that reckoning, I'm the next Socrates!
/ Ellen: You know, employing the Socratic Method in the bedroom could be pretty interesting. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=317 |
| Numer 318: Relationship Trigonometry | Panel 1 / Ellen: By the way, I ran into Marten and Faye on the way home. They liked the apartment, so it looks like they're gonna take it.
/ Steve: Oh, right on.
/ Natasha: Who's moving in? Some friends of yours? / Panel 2
/ Steve: Yeah, they're looking at a place in this building.
/ Ellen: Faye's kind of cranky, but Marten is really nice. He's skinny and has dark hair and listens to weird indie music. You'd probably like him.
/ Natasha: Oh really? / Panel 3
/ Steve: Don't go getting your hopes up. He's totally fixated on Faye.
/ Ellen: I dunno, he and Dora seemed pretty friendly with each other last night.
/ Natasha: Oh, a love triangle! / Panel 4
/ Ellen: More like a confusion, lust, and uncertainty triangle.
/ Steve: I think Marten's problem is that he's afraid of the rhombus of rejection.
/ Natasha: My love life is non-Euclidean geometry by comparison. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=318 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | TITLE BAR: 319: The Passion / TRANSCRIPT: / PANEL 1 / Faye: I can't believe she made us put down an extra $500 on the security deposit to cover for Pintsize. / Marten: Well, at least we got the new place. As long as he doesn't demolish the building it should be fine. / PANEL 2 / Marten: Wow, I can't believe he's still up there. / Faye: What can I say, I'm good with duct tape. / Pintsize: Can I come down now? I can only sing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" so many times before it gets boring. / PANEL 3 / Faye: I dunno, i kind of like you better up there. You can be an installation piece! We'll send you to the Guggenheim post-haste. / Marten: Are you kidding? He'd get banned faster than an exhibit with Jesus covered in poop. / Pintsize: I will be entitled "EtherChrist!" / PANEL 4: / Pintsize: father, into your hands I commend my RAM chips. / Faye: Wonderful. How about we just wrap him in a shroud and leave him in a cave instead. / Marten: According to the Bible, that's the cheat code to turn God Mode on. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=319 |
| Questionable Content | {{Number 319: The Passion}} / Faye: I can't believe she made us put down an extra $500 on the security deposit to cover for Pintsize.
/ Marten: Well, at least we got the new place. As long as he doesn't demolish the building it should be fine. / Marten: Wow, I can't believe he's still up there.
/ Faye: What can I say, I'm good with duct tape.
/ Pintsize: Can I come down now? I can only sing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" so many times before it gets boring. / Faye: I dunno, I kind of like you better up there. You can be an installation piece! We'll send you to the Guggenheim post-haste.
/ Marten: Are you kidding? He'd get banned faster than that exhibit with Jesus covered in poop.
/ Pintsize: I will be called "EtherChrist!" / Pintsize: Father, into your hands I commend my RAM chips!
/ Faye: Wonderful. How about we just wrap him in a shroud and leave him in a cave instead.
/ Marten: According to the Bible, that's the cheat code to turn God Mode on. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=319# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Number 320: Flock of Seagulls / Faye: Don't you ever get tired of having your hair in your face like that?
/ Marten: Not really, it's just hair. / Faye: I have some forming cream in the medicine chest. Go put some in your hair, I want to see what it looks like with your bangs out of your face.
/ Marten: Okay, but don't blame me if this turns out an abomination of nature. / Faye: Well?
/ Marten: I kinda like it!
/ Faye: Come out and show me! / Marten: I have mating plumage! I think this is definitely a better look for me.
/ Faye! Oh my God, it's like Morrissey and an emu had a baby! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=320 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: Don't you ever get tired of having your hair in your face like that?
/ Marten: Not really, it's just hair. / Faye: I have some forming cream in the medicine chest.
/ Go put some in your hair, I want to see what it looks like with your bangs out of your face.
/ Marten: Okay, but don't blame me if this turns out an abomination of nature. / Faye: Well?
/ Marten: I kinda like it!
/ Faye: Come out and show me! / Marten: I have mating plumage!
/ I think this is definitely a better look for me.
/ Faye: Oh my God, it's like Morrissey and an emu had a baby! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=320# |
| Number 321: Guest Strip by Mitch Clem | Jeph: GUEST STRIPS ARE EASY. JUST DO WHAT YOU'D NORMALLY DO, EXCEPT CATERED TO MY STRIP.
/ Mitch: SO... TRY TO PISS OFF INDIE ROCKERS INSTEAD OF PUNKS?
/ Jeph: SURE!
/ Mitch: WELL... OKAY. / Mitch: AHEM. PITCHFORKMEDIA SUCKS! "GARDEN STATE" SUCKED! THAT JERK FROM THE ARCADE FIRE SINGS LIKE CONNOR OBERST... AND CONNOR OBERST TOTALLY SUCKS! / < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=321 |
| Number 322: Next On Animal Planet | Faye: So what do you want to do today? I have the rest of the afternoon off.
/ Marten: I dunno, I'd kinda like to go to the record store and poke around.
/ Faye: Sounds good to me. Let me get my aloof sneer warmed up and we'll be on our way. / Marten: Your what?
/ Faye: My aloof sneer. It's how indie chicks establish a pecking order. The girl who looks the most bored and condescending in a given social situation is the Alpha Female. / Marten: And what, pray tell, is the point of being the Alpha Female?
/ Faye: She gets her pick of the males, who have their own hierarchy based on a combination of slouching, emaciation, and scruffiness. / Marten: So basically indie culture is like a pack of wolves but with unfortunate haircuts.
/ Faye: Exactly! Instead of having puppies, the alpha couple wear each other's pants and make out sloppily in the front row at shows.
/ Marten: You could probably replace the singer of The Walkmen with a howling wolf and nobody would notice. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=322 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{title text: Every Hipster's Worst Nightmare}}
/ [[Marten and Faye are in a record shop, looking at records. Marten holds a CD in his hand]]
/ Marten: Hey, have you heard anything about this band Autolux? It says the drummer from Failure is in it so I think I might like them.
/ Faye: Hmm... I seem to recall Tiny Mix Tapes giving it a good review. / Marten: Do you ever wonder how much of this stuff people actually enjoy, and how much they just think they like because Pitchfork or whoever says it was good?
/ Faye: What's the difference between thinking you like something and actually enjoying it? There's no empirical standard for appreciation- either you like it, or you don't. / Marten: I know, I'm just suspicious of whether music reviews color my opinion of bands that I might otherwise feel differently about.
/ Faye: That's a common misconception about criticism. A good review doesn't tell you whether you should like or dislike something, it discusses strengths and weaknesses and invites you to make up your own mind based on the information and perspective offered you. / Marten: I think my big worry is that what if, deep down in my subconsciousness, there's a Good Charlotte fan begging to be let out?
/ Faye: Don't go down that road, Marten. There are some parts of ourselves we were not meant to see! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=323 |
| Number 324: Television Were Better Anyway | Faye: ...So it turns out that Sigur Ros songs are actually incredibly offensive to whales. When they played some over a hydrophone, a pod of enraged humpbacks capsized the boat!
/ Marten: Their last album was pretty offensive to humans as well. I wonder how you say "boring" in Hopelandish. / Record Store Dude: ...You're actually gonna buy this?
/ Marten: Yeah, why?
/ Record Store Dude: This is post-grunge crap. But hey, it's your money. Spend it however you like.
/ Marten: Excuse me? / [[pushing Marten out the door while flipping off the sales clerk]]
/ Faye: Listen Nappy McTurtleneck, I don't recall us asking for your opinion. Last I heard, working in a crappy record shop doesn't make you the universal authority on all sound committed to tape.
/ Faye: We'll take our business elsewhere so you can go back to practicing your pretentious sneer and fantasizing about sucking off the Velvet Underground. / Marten: In all fairness to Pretentious Record Store Dude, it would be pretty hard to fellate the Velvet Underground considering a couple of them are dead now.
/ Faye: If there's one thing music snobs are good at it's metaphorical necrophilia. Besides, have you seen Lou Reed lately? He looks like a corpse animated by dark magics. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=324 |
| Number 324: Television Were Better Anyway | [[Faye and Marten are in a record store]]
/ Faye: ..So it turns out that Sigur Ros songs are actually incredibly offensive to whales. When they played some over a hydrophone, a pod of enraged humpbacks capsized on the boat!
/ Marten: Their last album was pretty offensive to humans as well. I wonder how you say "boring" in Hopelandish. / Clerk: ...You're actually gonna buy this?
/ Marten: Yeah, why?
/ Clerk: This is post-grunge crap. But hey, it's your money. Spend it however you like.
/ Marten: Excuse me? / Faye: Listen Nappy McTurtleneck, I don't recall us asking for your opinion. Last I heard, working in a crappy record shop doesn't make you the universal authority on all sound comitted to tape.
/ Faye: We'll take our business elsewhere so you can go back to practicing your pretentious sneer and fantasizing about sucking off the Velvet Underground. / [[Outside the record store]]
/ Marten: In all fairness to Pretentious Record Store Dude, it would be pretty hard to fellate the Velvet Underground considering a couple of them are dead now.
/ Faye: If there's one thing music snobs are good at it's metaphorical necrophilia. Besides, have you seen Lou Reed lately? He looks like a corpse animated by dark magics. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=324# |
| Number 325: My Kind of Smoothie | [[Dora and Raven In the Coffee of Doom]]
/ Dora: What are you doing?
/ Raven: Well you and Faye are always writin' stuff on the blackboard, so I figure it's my turn. / [[Already on the chalkboard: Today's Specials: * Red Bull and Peanut Butter, * Espresso in espresso, * No-Doz 20oz]]
/ Dora: What is this?
/ Raven: An employee roster! I'm listing each person who works here and writing a little bit about them.
/ Raven: See, that's you, and there's me, and there's that blonde chick who I haven't really seen around much.
/ [[Raven has written: Dora: she's the boss! not a lesbian, recovering goth, tough on crime, espressologist Raven: emo-cutie! the nice one, loves (names of bands); Sara: elusive, hates allowances]] / Dora: Aww, these are pretty cute! Are you gonna do one for Faye?
/ Raven: Yeah, hang on a second. / Raven: Well, there's Faye. I tried to think of nice things to say about her but I, uh...couldn't.
/ [[Raven writes: Caution: Faye: mean! punches! hella sarcasm attack, do not make eye contact, may sit on you]]
/ Dora: Hmm, I'm kinda torn on this. Part of me wants to erase that so she doesn't kill you, part of me wants to leave it up to see her reaction, and another part of me wants to leave it up because it's honestly a pretty helpful warning to our customers. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=325 |
| Number 326: So Angsty! | [[Faye and Marten sitting on front of the cafe Geppetto]]
/ Faye: Man, life is weird. Things never turn out the way you expect.
/ Marten: How so? / Faye: when I was younger, I'd see these twenty-something hipster girls sitting at outdoor cafes chatting with their friends, and I'd think, "Man, those girls have basically perfect lives." Perfect hair, trendy clothing, so sure of themselves.
/ Faye: Now I *am* one of those girls, and my live *isn't* perfect, and I *do* have things to worry about and problems to deal with. It makes me sad because as niave as I was back then, I still wish I had been right. / Faye: It's depressing to realize that life basically just gets harder and more complicated the older you get.
/ Marten: I dunno about that. Life may get trickier, but you also get a lot of good stuff you didn't have when you were younger. / Faye: I await your stereortypical male use of sex as a prime example. Go on, get it over with.
/ Marten: I don't think I'm allowed to use that as an example if it's been so long since I got laid that I barely remember what it was *like*.
/ Marten: On the plus side, my brain is so preoccupied with the fear of not getting any booty ever again that I don't have any room left for existential crises. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=326 |
| Number 327: Unflattering Hats | [[Faye is trying on hats]]
/ Marten: You were unusually morose back there at the cafe. Is something wrong?
/ Faye: A mometary lapse in my equipoise, nothing more. / [[Faye is in a cowboy hat]]
/ Marten: Equipoise?
/ Faye: The sublime balance of emotion. It's a Southern thing -- Robert E. Lee was like the Buddha of equipoise. / [[Faye is in a Confederate Army hat]]
/ Marten: The Civil War general? The one who looks kinda like Colonel Sanders?
/ Faye: You're lucky we're up North -- comparing Lee to the KFC guy would get you shot in Savannah, honey. / Marten: But it'd be in a really mellow manner, right? "Oh deah, that Yankee has besmirched the good General Lee's name. Mamie, fetch the squirrel rifle if it wouldn't be too much trouble, and we'll have mint juleps on the veranda after the execution."
/ Faye: That's right, keep mocking my heritage. See how far you can go before I club you with a musket.
/ Marten: NASCAR is a Yankee conspiracy to keep you all placated so the South won't rise again. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=327 |
| Number 328: He's Quite Tall | [[In the Coffee of Doom]]
/ Raven: Can I help you?
/ Sven: Yeah, is Dora here? / Dora: Well well, if it isn't my dear older brother. You know, I was just telling some friends last night about the time you dared me to moon Mrs. Goldstein's chihuahua.
/ Sven: I never expected him to actually bite you, much less hang on the way he did. Tenacious little bastard. / Dora: So what brings you to my little shop? You hate coffee, I know that's not your motive.
/ Sven: I dunno, just though I'd drop by and say hello. I haven't talked to you in a while. So how have you been, sis?
/ Dora: My life is a maelstrom of conflict, drama, and confusion.
/ Sven: So same old, same old. Gotcha. / Raven: [[aside to Dora]] Omigod your brother is totally hot! Can you set me up with him?
/ Dora: Sure, and while I'm at it I'll break his kneecaps and give him a case of the avian flu. It'll be a hat-trick of sibling cruelty.
/ Sven: What's this about hat tricks and cruelty? Are you finally starting that sado-masochistic hockey league you've always wanted? http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=328 |
| Number 329: Italo-Viking Alliance | [[Faye and Marten walk in the Coffe of Doom]]
/ Faye: Christ, I can't get away from this place even on my day off. Curse my caffeine addiction.
/ Marten: I wonder who the tall dude talking to Dora is. / Faye: [[to Dora]] Hey scarecrow, who's the beanpole?
/ Dora: Oh hey kids. Marten, Faye, meet my older brother Sven.
/ Sven: Howdy. / Faye: Wait, Sven? _Sven Bianchi_?
/ Dora: Well, mom's Swedish and dad's Italian, so...
/ Sven: Dad actually wanted to name me Joseph, but mom claimed naming rights since she was the one who had to give birth to me. / Faye: So is everyone in your family rail-thin like you two? What do you have for Thanksgiving dinner, two peas and a slice of turkey breast?
/ Dora: Yeah right. He ate half the damn turkey before I could even finish my salad last year.
/ Sven: It's been suggested that I'm powered by a small black hole.
/ Marten: Hey, at least you could use that to pick up hot lady physicists.
/ Sven: Do those exist? http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=329 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: Christ, I can't get away from this place even on my day off. Curse my caffeine addiction.
/ Marten: I wonder who the tall dude talking to Dora is. / Faye: Hey scarecrow, who's the beanpole?
/ Dora: On hey kids. Marten, Faye, meet my older brother Sven.
/ Sven: Howdy. / Faye: Wait, Sven? Sven Bianchi?
/ Dora: Well, mom's Swedish and dad's Italian, so...
/ Sven: Dad actually wanted to name me Joseph, but mom claimed naming rights since she was the one who had to give birth to me. / Faye: So is everyone in your family rail-thin like you two? What do you have for Thanksgiving dinner, two peas and a slice of turkey breast?
/ Dora: Yeah right. He ate half the damn turkey before I could even finish my salad last year.
/ Sven: It's been suggested that I'm powered by a small black hole.
/ Marten: Hey, at least you could use that to pick up hot lady physicists.
/ Sven: Do those exist? http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=329# |
| Number 330: Achy Breaky | [[at the Coffee of Doom]]
/ Dora: So how's the songwriting business treating you lately?
/ Sven: Eh, slow. I'm still living off the royalites from "You Stole my Heart, You Stole my Dog, But You Ain't Gonna Steal my Chevy."
/ Marten: Oh God, you're responsible for that awful song? / Marten: I mean uh if you like overproduced pop-country I guess it's pretty--
/ Sven: No no, it's cool. I'm not proud of that one, but it pays the bills. You'd be amazed at some of the crap people will buy in Nashville.
/ Dora: Poor little tormented artiste. / Marten: How do you write cheesy country songs if you don't like them in the first place?
/ Sven: I usually just come up with a goofy title and then build from there. "Me an' You an' a Gun-Rack for Two", "Red Neck, White Truck, Blue Jeans", that sort of thing. / Marten: Crazy. I wonder if that would work in other genres.
/ Sven: I tried and tried to find a buyer for "Drinkin' to Forget (During Built to Spill's Set)" but nobody was interested.
/ Dora: Aww, and I liked the lyrics to that one so much, too. "You wore Converse / I wore Vans / Then I saw you at the Decemberists show / With another man..." http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=330 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Dora: So how's the songwriting business treating you lately?
/ Sven: Eh, slow. I'm still living off the royalties from "You Stole My Heart, You Stole My Dog, But You Ain't Gonna Steal My Chevy."
/ Marten: Oh God, you're responsible for that awful song? / Marten: I mean uh if you like overproduced pop-country I guess it's pretty-
/ Sven: No no, it's cool. I'm not proud of that one, but it pays the bills. You'd be amazed at some of the crap people will buy in Nashville.
/ Dora: Poor little tormented artiste. / Marten: How do you write cheesy country songs if you don't like them in the first place?
/ Sven: I usually just come up with a goofy title and then build from there. "Me an' You an' a Gun-Rack for Two", "Red Neck, White Truck, Blue Jeans", that sort of thing. / Marten: Crazy. I wonder if that would work in other genres.
/ Sven: I tried and tried to find a buyer for "Drinkin' to Forget (During Built to Spill's Set)" but nobody was interested.
/ Dora: Aww, and I liked the lyrics to that one so much, too. "You wore Converse / I wore Vans / Then I saw you at the Decemberists show / With another man..." http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=330# |
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