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| That One Never Gets Old | [[Marten standing outside of a building. Sign on building reads "Smith College Williston Library. NOW HIRING APPLICANTS MUST BE LITERATE"]] / Librarian: Can I help you?
/ Marten: I, uh, heard you guys were hiring?
/ Librarian: Yes, we are. Are you a student?
/ Marten: Oh uh no, I'm not. / Librarian: Hmm. We don't usuall hire non-students, but there've been...problems lately with some of our former student employees. Here's the application.
/ Marten: Cool, thanks. / Marten: Um...
/ Librarian: Yes?
/ Marten: Is there a reason this is written in iambic pentameter?
/ Librarian: Oh joyous day, you passed the test! You're hired.
/ Marten: What? Oh, I get it. Librarian humor.
/ Librarian: Dewey decimal system? Do we EVER! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=691 |
| That One Never Gets Old | [[Marten looks at a sign in a window which reads: "Smith College Williston Library/NOW HIRING/APPLICANTS MUST BE LITERATE]]
/ Librarian: Can I help you?
/ Marten: I, uh, heard you guys were hiring?
/ Librarian: Yes, we are. Are you a student?
/ Marten: Oh uh no, I'm not.
/ Librarian: Hmmm. We don't usually hire non-students, but there've been...problems lately with some of our former student employees. Here's the application.
/ Marten: Cool, thanks.
/ Marten: Um...
/ Librarian: Yes?
/ Marten: Is there a reason this is written in iambic pentameter?
/ Librarian: Oh joyous day, you passed the test! You're hired.
/ Marten: What? Oh, I get it. Librarian humor.
/ Librarian: Dewey decimal system? Do we EVER! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=691# |
| Number 692: You learn weird things when you're raised catholic | Dora: Hey sweetie, what's up?
/ Marten: I got a job!
/ Dora: Omigod, really? / Marten: Well, I PROBABLY got a job. It's not official yet, but the front desk person at the SMIF library said I should just show up tomorrow morning for training anyway.
/ Dora: That's awesome! / Faye: Working in the library at an all-girls college? Why not have him wax the pews at a convent or bartend at a brothel while you're at it?
/ Dora: I imagine bartending at a convent would be more fun than either. Nuns know how to party. Nuns roll deep.
/ Marten: O'd totally just get the older nuns drunk and listen to them tell stories about the Nun Wars. / Dora: Nun Wars?
/ Marten: Back in 1947, all the nuns from around the world got together to determine which order was most bad-ass among God's servants.
/ Every five years they commemorate the great battle with a reenactment.
/ Faye: Hah, holy LARPing! "My other oversized foam weapon is THE LORD." http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=692 |
| You Learn Weird Things When You're Raised Catholic | {{Title text: You Learn Weird Things When You're Raised Catholic}} / [[Inside Coffee of Doom]]
/ Dora: Hey sweetie, what's up?
/ Marten: I got a job!
/ Dora: Omigod, really? / Marten: Well I probably got a job. It's not official yet, but the front desk person at the Smif library said I should just show up tomorrow morning for training anyway.
/ Dora: That's awesome! / Faye: Working in the library at an all-girls college? Why not have him wax the pews at a convent or bartend at a brothel while you're at it?
/ Dora: I imagine bartending at a convent would be more fun than either. Nuns know how to party. Nuns roll deep.
/ Marten: I'd totally just get the older nuns drunk and listen to them tell stories about the Nun Wars. / Dora: Nun Wars?
/ Marten: Back in 1947, all the nuns around the world got together to determine which order was most bad-ass among God's servants.
/ Marten: Every five years they commemorate the great battle with a reenactment.
/ Faye: Hah, holy LARPing! "My other oversized foam weapon is the Lord." http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=692# |
| Number 693: She Grazes | Marten: ...So the Poor Clares were surrounded by the Sisters of Mercy, when artillery support finally arrived. / Faye: Artillery Support? / Marten: Bibles fired from trebuchets. / Dora: I hate to interrupt, but I'm taking Marten out to lunch to celebrate his new employment. / Faye: Sure, if by "lunch" you mean "hot sex" and by "celebrate" you also mean "hot sex". / Dora: Actually right now I'd rather have a "hot cheeseburger", thanks. / Marten: I don't even want to KNOW what that's a euphemism for. / Faye: Hmph. All "ooh look at us we're such a happy couple. Watch as we go off to lunch holding hands and giggling! La la la blargh arglblagh blech." / Raven: Aww, are you jealous? / Faye: Absolutely not! Just because I haven't so much as made out with a boy in years doesn't mean I'm jealous. / Faye: And the vibrant shade of green isn't envy. I just... ate a lot of chlorophyll this morning. / Raven: Eww, you eat salad for breakfast? No wonder you're cranky. And gassy. / Faye: Dammit I told you that smell eariler was NOT ME! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=693 |
| She Grazes | {{Title text: She Grazes}} / [[Inside Coffee of Doom]]
/ Dora: ...So the poor Clares were surrounded by the Sisters of Mercy, when artillery support finally arrived.
/ Faye: Artillery support?
/ Marten: Bibles fired from trebuchets.
/ Dora: I hate to interrupt, but I'm taking Marten out to lunch to celebrate his new employment. / Faye: Sure if by "lunch" you mean "hot sex" and by celebrate you also mean "hot sex".
/ Dora: Actually right now I'd rather have a "hot cheeseburger", thanks.
/ Marten: I don't even want to know what that's a euphemism for. / [[Raven enters the scene]]
/ Faye: Hmph. All "ooh look at us we're such a happy couple. Watch as we go off to lunch holding hands and giggling. La la la blargh arghiblagh blech."
/ Raven: Aww, are you jealous? / Faye: Absolutely not! Just because I haven't so much as made out with a boy in years doesn't mean I'm jealous.
/ Faye: And the vibrant shade of green isn't envy. I just...ate a lot of chlorophyll this morning.
/ Raven: Eww, you eat salad for breakfast? No wonder you're cranky. And gassy.
/ Faye: Dammit I told you that smell earlier was not me! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=693# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [Faye and Raven are serving up a latte at Coffee of Doom]
/ Faye: It's not that I'm jealous of Marten and Dora, specifically, I mean, maybe a little. Okay, maybe a lot. But that's not the point!
/ Raven: What's the point then? / [Faye cuts up some carrots into the latte, while the customer watches on]
/ Faye: I just look at them and see how well it's going and I wonder "now why can't I do that?"
/ Raven: Well, why CAN'T you? You never know until you try. / [Faye dips a pickle into the latte, the customer looks apprehensive]
/ Faye: Yes I do. I meet a guy, I like him, and at the first hint of intimacy my brain starts going "MAYDAY! MAYDAY! DANGER! ACHTUNG!" and doesn't stop until I shove him so far into the friend zone it makes his balls go numb.
/ Rave: I dunno, maybe that's just what happened with you and Marten. It could go different with another guy. / [The sickening concoction is finished, Faye serves it to the customer]
/ Customer: I hate to interrupt, but I ordered a latte.
/ Faye: And you got a carrot-pickle-espresso monstrosity. Have a nice day.
/ Raven: Poor little pickle. That's a fate worse than relish. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=694 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{Title: Number 694: Doctor Drinkenstein }} / [[Faye is making coffee, for a waiting customer.]]
/ Faye: It's not that I'm jealous of Marten and Dora, specifically. I mean, maybe a little. Okay maybe a lot. But that's not the point!
/ Raven: What's the point then? / [[Faye is chopping a carrot into the coffee.]]
/ Faye: I just look at them and see how wel it's going and wonder "now why can't I do that?"
/ Raven: Well, why CAN'T you? You never know until you try. / [[Faye is adding a pickle into the coffee.]]
/ Faye: Yes I do. I meet a uy, I like him, and at the first hint of intimacy my brain starts going "MAYDAY! MAYDAY! DANGER! ACHTUNG!" and doesn't stop until I shove him so far into the friend zone it makes his balls go numb.
/ Raven: I dunno, maybe that's just what happened with you and Marten. It could go different with another guy. / Customer: I hate to interrupt, but I ordered a latte.
/ Faye: And you got a carrot-pickle-espresso monstrosity. Have a nice day.
/ Raven: Poor little pickle. That's a fate worse than relish. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=694# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Hannelore: Winslow, I'm home! And I got us a present!
/ Winslow: Oh boy! A present! / Winslow: A-another robot? Are you replacing me?
/ Hannelore: No dummy, it's a Roomba. A cleaning robot. It'll vacum the floor for me. / Hannelore: Isn't it cute?
/ Winslow: I have a pet! I will name him "Spot".
/ Pintsize: Meh, it's kinda crappy for a "robot". It doesn't even talk! / Pintsize: AUGH GET IT AWAY FROM ME IT WANTS MY BLOOD
/ Winslow: That's right, sic 'im boy! Don't take any guff!
/ Hannelore: If it starts humping his leg I'm taking it back to the store. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=695 |
| Do Not Taunt | {{Title text: Do Not Taunt}} / Hannelore: Winslow, I'm home! And I got us a present!
/ Winslow: Oh boy! Present! / Hannelore: No dummy, it's a Roomba. A cleaning robot. It'll vacuum the floor for me.
/ Winslow: A-another robot? Are you replacing me? / [[Hannelore turns Roomba on]]
/ Hannelore: Isn't it cute?
/ Winslow: I have a pet! I will name him "Spot".
/ Pintsize: Meh, it's kind of crappy for a "robot". It doesn't even talk!
/ < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=695# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Dora: We're back! Did I miss anything interesting? / Faye: No, but apparently we did. / Dora: What do you mean? / Faye: Don't play dumb. You're late coming back, and you're wearing a different shirt. You and Marty were totally banging. / Dora: Huh? No no, the waiter dumped a plate of spaghetti on my shirt. / Marten: Turns out he was a kung fu expert posing as a waiter in order to locate his niece, who had been kidnapped by a crime syndicate and taken to the US. / Faye: Oh really. And lemme guess, a bunch of ninjas jumped out of a passing van and assaulted him while he tried to serve your lunch. / Dora: Actually, they were dressed more like monks. / Marten: I'm not sure who released the white doves when he did that spinning jump-kick thing, but it was a nice touch. / Faye: Nice story, but that still doesn't explain why Marty's wearing a pair of your pants. / Dora: He, uh... had a little accident. / Marten: You try being used as a human shield by a scimitar-wielding monk and see how your bladder holds up! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=696 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{title text: Number 696: Guest Starring John Woo}} / [[Dora and Marten return to Coffee of Doom, where Faye awaits]]
/ [[Poster on wall: Coffee is your master]]
/ Dora: We're back! Did I miss anything interesting?
/ Faye: No, but apparently we did.
/ Dora: What do you mean? / Faye: Don't play dumb. You're late coming back, and you're wearing a different shirt. You and Marty were totally banging.
/ Dora: Huh? No no, the waiter dumped a plate of spaghetti on my shirt.
/ Marten: Turns out he was a kung fu expert posing as a waiter in order to locate his niece, who had been kidnapped by a crime syndicate and taken to the US. / Faye: Oh really. And lemme guess, a bunch of ninjas jumped out of a passing van and assaulted him while he tried to serve your lunch.
/ Dora: Actually they were dressed more like monks.
/ Marten: I'm not sure who released the white doves when he did that spinning jump-kick thing, but it was a nice touch. / Faye: Nice story, but that still doesn't explain why Marty's wearing a pair of your pants.
/ Dora: He, uh...had a little accident.
/ Marten: You try being used as a human shield by a scimitar-wielding monk and see how your bladder holds up! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=696# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: You two are awful. "Oh, we weren't humping, we just got caught in an action movie setpiece!"
/ Dora: YOU'RE the awful one. Why can't you just take our word for it?
/ Marten: These PANTS are the awful ones. They bindin' at the crotch like a motherfucker.
/ Faye: I can't "take your word for it" because the notion of armed monks jumping out of a van in downtown...uh...
/ [[Two bruised monks enter]]
/ Dora: YOU!
/ Unnamed Monk: Hi, could I get a large latte and a couple bags of ice?
/ Unnamed Monk: Oh shit, you were at that Italian place earlier! Look, I'm really sorry about the fight. We usually try not to get innocent bystanders involved like that.
/ Dora: Your buddy here took my boyfriend HOSTAGE!
/ Unnamed Monk: Yeah, I'm really sorry. Feng would apologize, but he doesn't speak much English, and-
/ < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=697 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{title text: Number 697: It's Really More of a Skillet}} / [[In Coffee of Doom]]
/ Faye: You two are awful. "Oh, we weren't humping, we got caught up in an action movie setpiece!"
/ Dora: YOU'RE the awful one. Why can't you just take our word for it?
/ Marten: These PANTS are the awful ones. They're bindin' at the crotch like a motherfucker. / [[Two bruised monks in yellow robes enter]]
/ Faye: I can't "take your word for it" because the notion of armed monks jumping out of a VAN in downtown...uh...
/ First Monk: Hi, could I get a large latte and a couple bags of ice?
/ Dora: YOU! / First Monk: Oh shit, you were at that Italian place earlier! Look, I'm really sorry about the fight. We usually try not to get innocent bystanders involved like that.
/ Dora: Your buddy here took my boyfriend HOSTAGE!
/ First Monk: Yeah, I'm really sorry. Feng would apologize, but he doesn't speak much English, and- / < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=697# |
| Questionable Content | {{Title: Number 696: Guest Starring John Woo}}
/ Dora: We're back! Did I miss anything interesting?
/ Faye: No, but apparently we did.
/ Dora: What do you mean? / Faye: Don't play dumb. Your'e late coming back, and you're wearing a different shirt. You and Marty were totally banging.
/ Dora: Huh? No no, the waiter dumped a plate of spaghetti on my shirt.
/ Marten: Turns out he was a kung fu expert posing as a waiter in order to locate his neice, who had been kidnapped by a crime syndicate and taken to the US. / Faye: Oh really. And lemme guess, a bunch of ninjas jumped out of a passing van and assaulted him while he tried to server you lunch.
/ Dora: Actually they were dressed more like monks.
/ Marten: I'm not sure who released the white doves when he did that spinning jump-kick thing, but it was a nice touch. / Faye: Nice story, but that still doesn't explain why Marty's wearing a pair of your pants.
/ Dora: He, uh...had a little accident.
/ Marten: You try being used as a human shield by a scimitar-weilding monk and see how your bladder holds up! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=698 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Penelope: Hi, I'd like a large white chocolate mocha please.
/ Faye: Hey Pizza Girl, that'll be $4.50 / Penelope: Wait, what did you just call me?
/ Faye: Pizza Girl. I mean you're her, right? You look just like her.
/ Penelope: I'm not Pizza Girl, I'm- / Faye: Hey Raven, back me up on this - she's Pizza Girl, right?
/ Raven: Hmm... yeah, she looks just like her if you imagine Pizza Girl without the mask on.
/ Penelope: No no no, you're mistaken. I'm not Pizza Girl! / Faye: Check it out Dora, we could always hire Pizza Girl here. She's pretty cute when she's not in that ridculous costume!
/ Penelope: Dammit I am NOT PIZZA GIRL!
/ Dora: Not if you work here, you aren't. We'd call you The Coffee Crusader, or maybe Caffeinatrix.
/ Martin: Ooh, I like Caffeinatrix. Sorta Bettie Page meets Todd McFarlane. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=698# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | So, you want the job, Pizza Girl? I'm sure we could bend your superpowers to use in the coffee realm.
/ I told you I am NOT Pizza Girl!
/ You know, mabye she isn't. The resemblance is striking, but... / No, see, this is all part of her act. She has to protect her secret identity as...uh...
/ My NAME is Penelope Gaines.
/ Penelope Gaines! Even the initials are the same!
/ Why would Pizza Girl need a secret identity? I can't imagine that her life would be in danger if people knew who she really was. / Okay "Penelope," How'd you like to work with us? We could use another employee and it would be a good cover for you.
/ Yeah, but then she would have stoned dudes callin' at all hours demanding deep dish. Doesn't sound very pleasant to me.
/ I already have a job! I work at a bookstore!
/ Hmm, point taken. / Oh, come on, the whole mild mannered secret identity thing is SO Golden Age Marvel. Get with the times! Sass it up! Join us!
/ Wha...I...Ju...You people are INSANE!
/ No crazier than someone who runs around in a red vinyl jumpsuit in her spare time. C'mon, I'll show you how to run the expresso machine.
/ Wow, I've never heard of anybody being shanghaied into working at a coffee shop before. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=699 |
| Pressganging | Dora: So, you want the job, Pizza Girl? I'm sure we could bend your superpowers to use in the coffee realm.
/ Penelope: I told you I am NOT pizza girl!
/ Marten: You know, maybe she isn't. The resemblance is striking, but... / Faye: No, see, this is all part of her act. She has to protect her secret identity as... uh...
/ Penelope: My NAME is Penelope Gaines.
/ Faye: Penelope Gaines! Even the initials are the same!
/ Marten: Why would Pizza Girl need a secret identity? I can't imagine that her life would be in danger if people knew who she really was. / Faye: Okay "Penelope," How'd you like to work with us? We could use another employee and it's be good cover for you.
/ Dora: But then she'd have stoned dudes callin' at all hours demanding deep-dish. Doesnm't sound very pleasant to me.
/ Marten: Hmm, point taken.
/ Penelope: I already have a job! I work in a bookstore! / Faye: Oh come on, the whole mild-mannered secret identity thing is SO Golden Age Marvel. Get with the times! Sass it up! Join us!
/ Penelope: Wha...I...ju...you people are INSANE!
/ Dora: No crazier than someone who runs around in a red vinyl jumpsuit in her spare time. C'mon, I'll show you how to work the expresso machine.
/ Marten: Wow, I've never heard of anyone being shanghaied into working at a coffee service before. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=699# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Dora: There you go, now you're getting the hang of it.
/ Penelope: Why am I doing this?
/ Faye: Because you're easily bullied.
/ Dora: Hey, no hitting the new girl.
/ Penelope: Ow! I keep telling you, I already have a job!
/ Faye: Not anymore! I'm callin' them and tellin' 'em you quit. Ooh, you've got gum in here.
/ Penelope: My purse!
/ Dora: No, Faye. Let her decide on her own. Now Penelope, isn't this way more fun than alphabetizing romance novels for minimum wage?
/ Penelope: I...I do hate romance novels. And I wouldn't miss my manager. I always catch him staring at my butt.
/ Faye: And if you need to disappear occasionally to, say, deliver a pizza, we'll understand. You know, because you're Pizza Girl.
/ Penelope: Does she ever get less obnoxious?
/ Dora: You learn to tune it out eventually. Like living by an airport or downwind from a paper mill. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=700 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{Title: Number 699: Pressganging}}
/ [[Dora, Marten, Faye and Penelope in Coffee of Doom]]
/ Dora: So, you want the job, Pizza Girl? I'm sure we could bend your superpowers to use in the coffee realm.
/ Penelope: I told you I am NOT Pizza Girl!
/ Marten: You know, maybe she isn't. The resemblance is striking, but... / Faye: No, see, this is all part of her act. She has to protect her secret identity as...uh...
/ Penelope: My NAME is Penelope Gaines.
/ Faye: Penelope Gaines! Even the initials are the same!
/ Marten: Why would Pizza Girl need a secret identity? I can't imagine that her life would be in danger if people knew who she really was. / Dora: Yeah, but then she'd have stoned dudes callin' at all hours demanding deep-dish. Doesn't sound very pleasant to me.
/ Marten: Hmm, point taken.
/ Faye: Okay "Penelope," how'd you like to work with us? We could use another employee and it'd be good cover for you.
/ Penelope: I already have a job! I work at a bookstore! / Faye: Oh come on, the whole mild-mannered secret identity thing is SO Golden Age Marvel. Get with the times! Sass it up! Join us!
/ Penelope: Wha...I...Ju...you people are INSANE!
/ Dora: No crazier than someone who runs around in a red vinyl jumpsuit in her spare time. C'mon, I'll show you how to run the espresso machine.
/ Marten: Wow, I've never heard of anybody being shanghaied into working at a coffee shop before. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=700# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Marten: Pintsize, I'm home!
/ Pintsize: Marten! Thank God, for a second I thought you were Hannelore's Roomba come to finish me off.
/ Marten: ...I don't think I want to know. Anyway I got another job.
/ Pintsize: Hooray! I will continue to be supplied with delicious alternating current.
/ Pintsize: So is the new job anything cool? Wrestling alligators, or training bears to wrestle alligators?
/ Marten: Nope, I'm just gonna be working over at the Smif library.
/ Pintsize: The all-girls college? Maybe you'll get to wrestle some chicks then!
/ Marten: I doubt their late-book-return policy is THAT strict.
/ Pintsize: Hey, I've seen movies about all-girl colleges. Practically all they DO is wrestle. Naked.
/ Marten: Okay, no more late-night HBO for you. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=701 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Marten: Pintsize, I'm home!
/ Pintsize: Marten! Thank God, for a second I thought you were Hannelore's Roomba come to finish me off. / Marten: ...I don't think I want to know. Anyway I got another job.
/ Pintsize: Hooray! I will continue to be supplied with delicious alternating current. / Pintsize: So is the new job anything cool? Wrestling alligators, or training bears to wrestle alligators?
/ Marten: Nope, I'm just gonna be working over at the Smif library. / Pintsize: The all-girls college? Maybe you'll get to wrestle some chicks then!
/ Marten: I doubt their late-book-return policy is THAT strict.
/ Pintsize: Hey, I've seen movies about all-girl colleges. Practically all the DO is wrestle. Naked.
/ Marten: Okay, no more late-night HBO for you. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=701# |
| Number 702: All The Engineers In The House Say Heyo | [[Dora and Faye in Coffee of Doom.]]
/ Faye: So, wanna take bets on whether Penelope will show up tomorrow morning? I give it two to one odds.
/ Dora: That good, huh? We were awfully hard on her.
/ Faye: Ah, but I also threatened to burn her house down if she DIDN'T show up.
/ Dora: Great, so now we're a protection racket as well as a coffee shop. / Faye: Hey, uh...about earlier. I'm sorry.
/ Dora: Hm?
/ Faye: It's none of my business what you and Marty do when I'm not around. I'm just... trying to get used to that, and sometimes it's hard. / Dora: It's okay, Faye. It's hard for me sometimes too. I still feel bad about pouncing on him so soon. And I worry that I'm just, like, your surrogate or something.
/ Faye: No offense Dora, but you'd make a *lousy* surrogate for me. You're like .65 Fayes at best. / Dora: I wasn't aware you were a unit of measure.
/ Faye: It's a complex formula involving cup size, body fat percentage, and an enumerated index of psychological issues.
/ Dora: Engineers rejoice! Science has finally found a use for the slide rule in the realm of romance! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=702 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: So, wanna take bets on whether Penelope will show up tomorrow morning? I give it two to one odds.
/ Dora: That good, huh? We were awfully hard on her.
/ Faye: Ah, but I also threatened to burn her house down if she DIDN'T show up.
/ Dora: Great, so now we're a protection racket as well as a coffee shop. / Faye: Hey, uh...about earlier. I'm sorry.
/ Dora: Hm?
/ Faye: It's none of my business what you and Marty do when I'm not around. I'm just trying to get used to that, and sometimes it's hard. / Dora: It's ok, Faye. It's hard for me sometimes too. I still feel bad about pouncing on him so soon. And I worry that I'm just, like, your surrogate or something.
/ Faye: No offense Dora, but you'd make a lousy surrogate for me. You're like .65 Fayes at best. / Dora: I wasn't aware you were a unit of measure.
/ Faye: It's a complex formula involving cup size, body fat percentage, and an enumerated index of psychological issues.
/ Dora: Engineers rejoice! Science has finally found a use for the slide rule in the realm of romance! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=702# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: Hey Raven. How come you always wear your hair in your face like that?
/ Raven: Huh? I dunno, it looks nice? / Faye: Do you have secret horns? Or an unfortunate birthmark? OR A DISFIGURING SCAR? I wanna see!
/ Raven: Hey, no! Stoppit! / Faye: Holy pockmarks, Batman!
/ Dora: Holy crap Raven, your forehead looks like the surface of Io.
/ Raven: There, see? I have awful forehead acne. Are you happy now? / Dora: You know, if you didn't style your hair with Crisco you probably wouldn't break out so much.
/ Raven: Hey, I never use Crisco! What if a cute vegan boy were to come in one day?
/ Faye: We better drain some of those suckers. I'll go get a pickaxe and a bucket. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=703 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: Hey, Raven. How come you always wear your hair in your face like that?
/ Raven: Huh? I dunno, it looks nice? / Faye: Do you have secret horns? Or an unfortunate birthmark? Or a DISFIGURING SCAR? I wanna see!
/ Raven: Hey, no! Stoppit! / Faye: Holy pockmarks, Batman!
/ Dora: Holy crap Raven, your forehead looks like the surface of Io.
/ Raven: There, see? I have awful forehead acne. Are you happy now? / Dora: You know, if you didn't style your hair with lard you probably wouldn't break out so much.
/ Raven: Hey, I'd never use lard! What if a cute vegan boy were to come in one day?
/ Faye: We better drain some of those suckers. I'll go get a pickaxe and a bucket. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=703# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Marten: Hey Hannelore, I heard you got yourself a new robo-vacuum
/ Hannelore: I sure did! He's adorable, come see!
/ Marten: Haha, okay. / Marten: So I guess this means you'll have to find something else to do in your free time other than vaccuuming,huh.
/ Hannelore: Heehee, I guess so!
/ Roomba: < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=704 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{ Number 704: West Side Story }}
/ Marten: Hey Hannelore, I heard you got yourself a new robo-vacuum.
/ Hannalore: I sure did! He's adorable, come see!
/ Marten: Haha, okay. / Marten: So I guess this means you'll have to find something to do in your free time other than vacuuming, huh.
/ Hannelore: Heehee, I guess so!
/ << Vacuum: VRRR >> / Marten: Gah!
/ Hannelore: Eek! Hey!
/ << Vacuum: SNIKT! DOO DEE DEE DOO DOO! >> / Marten: What does it want?! Quick, before it knifes me in the shin!
/ Hannelore: The manual says that sequence of beeps means..."Quit flirtin' with my woman."
/ Marten: FLIRTING!?
/ Winslow: HIS woman!?
/ << Vacuum: VRRRRRRRR >> http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=704# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Marten: What'd you do with the violent vacuum?
/ Hannelore: I gave him a time-out.
/ Marten: A time-out?
/ Hannelore: I put him back in his box. He'll bump into the walls for a few miinutes and then put himself to sleep. / Marten: Better not wake him up suddenly or you'll lose a finger.
/ Hannelore: Hee!
/ Marten: Man, do you ever wonder if there are any robots who actually behave the way they're supposed to?
/ Hannelore: What do you mean? / Marten: Well Pintsize is psychotic,your vacuum has murderous tendencies, and don't even get me STARTED on that DeathBot guy who came in the other day...
/ Winslow: I do what I was meant to do! / Marten: No offense little dude, but what exactly WERE you meant to do?
/ Winslow: That's easy, I...uh.. hm. I- I don't know! Oh God!
/ Hannelore: Gee Marten, thank you SO MUCH for giving my robot an existential crisis. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=705 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Marten: What'd you do with the violent vacuum?
/ Hannelore: I gave him a time-out.
/ Marten: A time-out?
/ Hannelore: I put him back in his box. He'll bump into the walls for a few minutes and then put himself to sleep. / Marten: Better not wake him up or suddenly you'll lose a finger.
/ Hannelore: Hee!
/ Marten: Man, do you ever wonder if ther are any robots who actually behave the way they're supposed to?
/ Hannelore: What do you mean? / Marten: Well Pintsize is psychotic, your vacuum has murderous tendencies, and don't even get me STARTED on that DeathBot guy who came in the other day...
/ Winslow: I do what I was meant to do! / Marten: No offense little dude, but what exactly WERE you meant to do?
/ Winslow: That's easy, I...uh.. hm. I- I don't know! Oh God!
/ Hannelore: Gee Marten, thank you SO MUCH for giving my robot an existential crisis. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=705# |
| Number 706: Darwin Shudders | Hannelore: Winslow, you have PLENTY of purpose! You keep me company, you can do all kinds of computery things like run programs and play music...
/ Winslow: Oh! Okay, I feel much better now.
/ Marten: Heh, you AnthroPCs have it easy. Us humans have been tryin' to figure out our purpose for thousands of years now. / Winslow: As far as I can tell, your genetic imperatives are mating and killing each other.
/ Marten: Heh, yeah pretty much.
/ Hannelore: It's all genetics. We wanna mate so we can raise children, and we fight because we want our children to have the most resources. / Marten: And it's self-selecting, too. People who choose not to listen to those primordial instincts necessarily remove themselves from the gene pool.
/ Hannelore: I don't think it's that simple. Individuals who don't reproduce themselves can still affect to the gene pool by helping raise others' offspring.
/ Winslow: See, you're still just trying to ensure the survival of the species. Heck, what's the most intimate thing humans do together? Mate! Even if you're not trying to reproduce, you're still doing what your genes want you to do. / Marten: So you're basically saying that we're all just automatons following programs encoded in our genes?
/ Winslow: No, you make everything WAY too complicated for it to be pure instinct. Dating? Flowers? MYSPACE? I mean, come on.
/ Hannelore: Haha! "Interests: Sports, video games, fulfilling genetic imperatives by stickin' my wee-wee in some vaginas." http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=706 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Hannelore: Winslow, you have PLENTY of purpose! You keep me company, you can do all kinds of computery things like run programs and play music...
/ Winslow: Oh! Okay, I feel much better now.
/ Marten: Heh, you AnthroPCs have it easy. Us humans have been tryin' to figure out our purpose for thousands of years now. / Winslow: As far as I can tell, your chief genetic imperatives are mating and killing each other.
/ Marten: Heh, yeah pretty much.
/ Hannelore: It's all genetics. We wanna mate so we can raise children, and we fight because we want our children to have the most resources. / Marten: And it's self-selecting, too. People who choose not to listen to those primordial instincts necessarily remove themselves from the gene pool.
/ Hannelore: I don't think it's that simple. Individuals who don't reproduce themselves can still affect to the gene pool by helping raise others' offspring.
/ Winslow: See, you're still just trying to ensure the survival of the species. Heck, what's the most intimate thing humans do together? Mate! Even if you're not trying to reproduce, you're still doing what your genes want you to do. / Marten: So you're basically saying that we're all just automatons following programs encoded in our genes?
/ Winslow: No, you make everything WAY too complicated for it to be pure instinct. Dating? Flowers? MYSPACE? I mean, come on.
/ Hannelore: Haha! "Interests: Sports, video games, fulfilling genetic imperatives by stickin' my wee-wee in some vaginas." http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=706# |
| Questionable Content: Number 707: My Apologies To Takehiko Inoue | [[Hannelore and Marten sit on the couch, talking]]
/ Hannelore: ...Actually, the worst part about growing up on a space station was the music.
/ Marten: The music?
/ Hannelore: The sight of the sun rising over the curve of the earth is majestic and all, but you get REALLY sick of having to listen to "Thus Spake Zarathustra" every time. / [[Pintsize enters the room]]
/ < http://questionablecontent.net//view.php?comic=707 |
| Questionable Content #707 | {{comic number: 707}}
/ {{title text: My Apologies To Takehiko Inoue}} / [[Marten and Hannelore on couch]]
/ Hannelore: ...Actually, the worst part about growing up on a space station was the music.
/ Marten: The music?
/ Hannelore: The sight of the sun rising over the curve of the earth is majestic and all, but you get REALLY sick of having to listen to "Thus Spake Zarathustra" every time. / [[Pintsize opens the door and enters in full samurai gear]]
/ < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=707 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Hannelore: ...Actually, the worst part about growing up on a space station was the music.
/ Marten: The music?
/ Hannelore: The sight of the sun rising over the curve of the earth is majestic and all, but you get REALLY sick of having to listen to "Thus Spake Zarathustra" every time. / [[Pintsize kicks open door dressed in full samurai gear]]< http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=707# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{Number 708: Go Happy}}
/ [[Dora, Faye, and Raven are standing around at Coffee of Doom]] / Dora: So whaddaya think? Too faux-punk-rock?
/ Faye: Too cockatiel-on-antidepressants.
/ Raven: Aw man, you used up the rest of my hair stuff! This thing cost me like twenty bucks! / Faye: I can't believe you put that crap in your hair. What's it made from, earwax and peroleum?
/ Dora: Judging by the smell there's some Nutella in there as well.
/ Raven: Hmph. You guys are mean. I don't make fun of YOUR beauty regimens / Faye: Dora's beauty regimen involves goat's blood, grave dust, and a full STD test.
/ Dora: Yeah well FAYE'S beauty regimen requires a box of donuts, a shot of bourbon, and self-deception. / Raven: Sometimes I can't tell whether you guys are friends or you hate each other.
/ Faye: Don't be silly, I love Dora. Sure, I might fantasize about smothering her in her sleep sometimes, but that doesn't mean we aren't friends!
/ Dora: Would you use your boobs? 'Cause if I have to go...
/ Faye: No.
/ Dora: Hmph. Some friend YOU are. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=708 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Dora: So waddaya think? Too faux-punk-rock?
/ Faye: Too cockatiel-on-antidepressants.
/ Raven: Aw man, you used up the rest of my hair stuff! This thing cost like twenty bucks! / Faye: I can't believe you put that crap in your hair. What's it made from, earwax and petroleum?
/ Dora: Judging by the smell there's some Nutella in there as well.
/ Raven: Hmph. You guys are mean. I don't make fun of YOUR beauty regimens. / Faye: Dora's beauty regimen involves goat's blood, grave dust, and a full STD test.
/ Dora: Yeah well FAYE'S beauty regimen requires a box of donuts, a shot of bourbon, and self-deception. / Raven: Sometimes I can't tell whether you guys are friends or you hate each other.
/ Faye: Don't be silly, I love Dora. Sure, I might fantasize about smothering her in her sleep sometimes, but that doesn't mean we aren't friends!
/ Dora: Would you use your boobs? 'Cause if I have to go...
/ Faye: No.
/ Dora: Hmph. Some friend YOU are. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=708# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | All right, lemme disarm Ogami Itto here and then im gonna eat with dora and faye. Wanna come along?
/ Carefull with the sword! Robonibocho is a priceless clan heirloom / That'd be a lame cop-out from anyone else, but your probably telling the truth.
/ Yeah, I...no! BAD Hannelore! Bad!
/ Uh oh. OCD I can handle, but split personality is outta my league / No, it's just that my therapist says I Shoudn't let my compulsions get in the way of my social life. So I would like to go get dinner with you.
/ I'd rather you not spend the hole time worryin' about your tile though, you know? / Actualy, I was only gonna clean the grout to distract myself from worrying about all the mites in the carpet. So another layer of recursive distraction would probably help!
/ "She swallowed the cat to catch the bird to catch the spider, she swalloed the spider to catch the fly..."
/ "There was an old lady who swallowed a horse/she's dead ofcourse" has an entirely different meaning in this day and age.l http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=709 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Marten: All right, lemme disarm Ogami Itto here and then I'm gonna go eat with Dora and Faye. Wanna come along?
/ Hannelore: I'd like to, but I have to clean the grout in my bathroom tonight.
/ Pintsize: Careful with the sword! Robonibocho is a priceless clan heirloom! / Marten: That'd be a lame cop-out from anyone else, but you're probably telling the truth.
/ Hannelore: Yeah, I...no! BAD Hannelore! Bad!
/ Marten: Uh oh. OCD I can handle, but split personality is outta my league. / Hannelore: No, it's just that my therapist says I shouldn't let my complusions get in the way of my social life. So I would like to go get dinner with you.
/ Marten: I'd rather you not spend the whole time worryin' about your tile though, you know? / Hannelore: Actually, I was only gonna clean the grout to distract myself from worrying about all the mites in the carpet. So another layer of recursive distraction would probably help!
/ Marten: "She swallowed the cat to catch the bird, she swallowed the bird to catch the spider, she swallowed the spider to catch the fly..."
/ Pintsize: "There was an old lady who swallowed a horse/she's dead, of course" has an entirely different meaning in this day and age. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=709# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[inside Coffee of Doom]] / customer: Man, as much as I like this place
/ I really miss the days when it wasn't
/ all popular.
/ Faye: You mean the day
/ before yesterday? / Customer: Yeah! The ambience in here is totally different now.
/ Now it's like, not only do you not care about your
/ customers, you have to CARE about not caring
/ 'cause it's part of your shtick.
/ Faye: You certainly have pierced
/ the core of our cynical
/ marketing paradigm. / Customer: See, like that right there! I TOTALLY KNEW
/ you were gonna say something sarcastic.
/ Faye: Congratulations, you win a prize. The prize is
/ exactly the same apathy and contempt with
/ which I treat all of our other customers.
/ Customer: Damn, you're
/ good. Same time
/ tomorrow?
/ Faye: Whatever you
/ say, champ. / Dora: Man, that guy is weird.
/ Faye: Yeah. You know he doesn't even drink
/ the coffee? He just throws it in the
/ trash outside. He comes here every
/ day just to argue.
/ Dora: We should give him some kind
/ of member-discount card.
/ Faye: Hah! "Ten drinks and your next
/ one is go fuck yourself." http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=710 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Customer: Man, as much as I like this place, I really miss the days before it got all popular.
/ Faye: You mean the day before yesterday? / Customer: Yeah! The ambience in here is totally different now. Now it's like, not only do you not care about your customers, you have to CARE about not caring 'cause it's part of your shtick.
/ Faye: You certainly have pierced the core of our cynical marketing paradigm. / Customer: See, like that right there! I TOTALLY KNEW you were gonna say something sarcastic.
/ Faye: Congratulations, you win a prize. The prize is exactly the same apathy and contempt with which I treat all of our customers.
/ Customer: Damn, you're good. Same time tomorrow?
/ Faye: Whatever you say, champ. / Dora: Man, that guy is weird.
/ Faye: Yeah. You know he doesn't even drink the coffee? He just throws it in the trash outside. He comes here every day just to argue.
/ Dora: We should give him some kind of member-discount card.
/ Faye: Hah! "Ten drinks and your next one is go fuck yourself." http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=710# |
| I'd eat one | Faye: Hanners! I was wondering when you would next emerge from your cave to stalk the earth. Or Marten, at least.
/ Hannerlore: Shh, he doesn't know i'm following him.
/ Marten: Har har. / Faye: So, party of four for dinner then? I'm in the mood for Italian. Does that sound good to everyone else?
/ Marten: Wow, she's certainly in a good mood.
/ Dora: She beat a kitten to death with her bare hands just before you came in. / Faye: I would never harm a kitten! Unless it asked for a triple-shot no-foam soy latte. I hate making those things. Friggin' soy milk.
/ Hannerlore: Hey, I prefer my beverages free of excretions from the nipple of a large, stinky mammal.
/ Dora: We tried getting milk from tiny, hypoallergenic cows, but it was too expensive. / Faye: Also, I kepy biting their heads off and sucking out the juices. Mmmmm, delicious tiny cow juice.
/ Hannerlore: Great, I think i'm a vegan now.
/ Martin: Hmm. Is coffee technically vegan? I mean, they use burros to carry the beans down from the mountains, right? That's exploitation.
/ Dora: Also we shout insults at the beans before we grind them up, so they'll suffer more. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=711 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: Hanners! I was wondering when you would next emerge from your cave to stalk the earth. Or Marten, at least.
/ Hannelore: Ssh, he doesn't know I'm following him.
/ Marten: Har har. / Faye: So, party of four for dinner then? I'm in the mood for Italian. Does that sound good to everyone else?
/ Marten: Wow, she's certainly in a good mood.
/ Dora: She beat a kitten to death with her bare hands just before you came in. / Faye: I would never harm a kitten! Unless it asked for a triple-shot no-foam soy latte. I hate making those things. Friggin' soy milk.
/ Hannelore: Hey, I prefer my everages free of the excretions from the nipple of a large, stinky mammal.
/ Dora: We tried getting milk from tiny, hypoallergenic cows but it was too expensive. / Faye: Also I kept biting their heads off and sucking out the juices. Mmmmm, delicious tiny cow juice.
/ Hannelore: Great, I think I'm a vegan now.
/ Marten: Hmm. Is coffee technically vegan? I mean, they use burros to carry the beans down form the mountains, right? That's exploitation.
/ Dora: Also we shout insults at the beans before we grind them up, so they'll suffer more. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=711# |
| Sitcomedy | Dora: So do you like my hair?
/ Marten: It looks good, but it makes you taller than me.
/ Faye: I still say it makes you look like a goth cassowary. / Dora: If I'm a cassowary then I'm the...hey, is that Steve over there?
/ Marten: It is! And he's with a girl!
/ Faye: And that girl is not Ellen! I smell mischief. Let's go investigate, Marty. / Marten: Hey, Steve! What's up man?
/ Steve: Oh uh hey Marten, not too much.
/ Faye: Who's your lady-friend? Does Ellen know about this dangerous liason? / Steve: No, she doesn't. We, uh, broke up. Again.
/ Faye: No, see, this is the part where you're supposed to be all "oh I was just giving this young lady directions to the nearest church so she could go pray" and we all laugh because HAHA WHAT A WACKY MISUNDERSTANDING.
/ Woman with Steve: Wait a minute, who's Ellen?
/ Marten: I think the sheer level of awkwardness has rendered me sterile. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=712 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Dora: So do you like my hair?
/ Marten: It looks good, but it makes you taller than me.
/ Faye: I still say it makes you look like a goth cassowary. / Dora: If I'm a cassowary then I'm the... hey, is that Steve over there?
/ Marten: It is! And he's with a girl!
/ Faye: And that girl is not Ellen! I smell mischief. Let's go investigate, Marty. / Marten: Hey, Steve! What's up man?
/ Steve: Oh uh hey Maren, not too much.
/ Faye: Who's your lady-friend? Does Ellen know about this dangerous liason? / Steve: No, she doesn't. We, uh, broke up. Again.
/ Dark Haired Girl: Wait a minute, who's Ellen?
/ Faye: No, see, this is the part where you're supposed to be all "oh I was just giving this young lady directions to the nearest church so she could go pray" and we all laugh because HAHA WHAT A WACKY MISUNDERSTANDING.
/ Marten: I think the sheer level of awkwardness has rendered me sterile. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=712# |
| Questionable Content #713: In The Heat Of The Moment | Martin: Dude, what happened with you and Ellen this time?
/ Steve: She accepted a position on a deep-sea research vessel for next semester. She thought it would be best if we ended things now before we got too serious. / Martin: Oh man, that's rough. She didn't even want to try the long-distance ship-to-shore thing?
/ Steve: Well, I... took it badly. There was some arguing, some heated words were said. Some things about our respective sexual abilities that I think neither of us really meant, but...
/ Faye: Oooh, Ouch. / Martin: Well, maybe if you give her a day or two to cool off you can patch things back together...
/ Steve: I don't think there's much left to patch, unfortuanately.
/ Faye: What do you mean? / Steve: Well, when she slammed the door in my face I probably shouldn't have shouted "I hope you contract dolphin-syphilis" at the top of my lungs.
/ Martin: Hmm, yeah. That was probably a mistake.
/ Faye: As long as she packs some condoms she should be safe. Better make them Magnums, male dolphins are pretty hung. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=713 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{Number 713: In The Heat Of The Moment}} / [[In a direct continuation from number 712, Dora and Marten is still talking to Steve on the street]]
/ Marten: Dude, what happened with
/ you and Ellen this time?
/ Steve: She accepted a position on a
/ deep-sea research vessel for next
/ semester. She thought it would
/ be best if we just ended things
/ now before we got too serious. / Marten: Oh man, that's rough. She didn't even want to try
/ the long-distance-ship-to-shore thing?
/ Steve: Well, I... took it badly. There was some arguing,
/ some heated words were said. Some things about
/ our respective sexual abilities that I think neither
/ of us really meant, but...
/ Faye: Oooh, ouch. / Marten: Well, maybe if you give her a day or
/ two to cool off you can patch things
/ back together...
/ Steve: I don't think there's much
/ left to patch, unfortunately.
/ Faye: What do you mean? / Steve: Well, when she slammed the door in my face
/ I probably shouldn't have shouted "I hope you
/ contract dolphin-syphilis" at the top of my lungs.
/ Marten: Hmm, yeah. That was
/ probably a mistake.
/ Faye: As long as she packs some
/ condoms she should be safe.
/ Better make them Magnums,
/ male dolphins are pretty hung. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=713# |
| Number 714: Aw Yeah That's Hot | Steve: ...So she really was just asking me the time. I was strikin' up a conversation when you guys came over.
/ Marten: Aw man, I'm sorry. We didn't know.
/ Faye: The only thing worse than cockblocking someone on purpose is doing it by accident. [[Faye bows]] Gomen nasai. / Steve: S'okay, Faye. Probably wouldn't have amounted to anything anyway. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go drink myself into a stupor.
/ Marten: Bad idea. Remember what happened to you last time? Talking purple weasels? / Steve: Hey, that weasel gave EXCELLENT financial advise.
/ Marten: You bought five hundred dollars worth of fantasy knives off of eBay! / Faye: Oh, THAT'LL get a lady's panties wet. "Welcome to my humble abode. Would you like a drink? What's behind that door, you ask? Oh nothing, just a room full of TOLKIENIAN CUTLERY."
/ Dora: Back in high school that probably woulda worked for me.
/ Marten: Dude I need to borrow some of your knives.
/ Steve: Take back what you said about the weasel first. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=714 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Steve: ...So she really was just asking me the time.
/ I was striking up a conversation when you guys came over.
/ Marten: Aw man, I'm sorry.
/ We didn't know.
/ Faye: The only thing worse than cockblocking someone on purpose is doing it by accident.
/ Gomen nasai. / Steve: S'okay, Faye.
/ Probably wouldn't have amounted to anything anyway.
/ Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go drink myself into a stupor.
/ Marten: Bad idea.
/ Remember what happened to you last time?
/ Talking purple weasels? / Steve: Hey, that weasel gave EXCELLENT financial advice.
/ Marten: You bought five hundred dollars worth of fantasy knives off of eBay! / Faye: Oh, THAT"LL get a lady's panties wet.
/ Welcome to my humble abode.
/ Would you like a drink?
/ What's behind that door, you ask?
/ Oh nothing, just a room full of TOLKIENIAN CUTLERY."
/ Dora: Back in high school that probably woulda worked for me.
/ Marten: Dude I need to borrow some of your knives.
/ Steve: Take back what you said about the weasel first. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=714# |
| Number 715: Powers Of Observation | Marten [[talking to Steve]]: Come have dinner with us. You should at least get some food in you before you go drown your sorrows.
/ Dora: I promise not to get all smoochy with Marten and bum you out. / Steve: Haha, thanks. You know, this may be the first time in history that Marten has a better love life than I do.
/ Marten: Ssh, you'll jinx it! Dora will turn out to be a secret roadkill necrophiliac and I'll have to break up with her.
/ Faye: Eww! Please tell me that is not a real fetish.
/ Dora: It probably is now, thanks to Quantum Fetish Mechanics. / Faye: Quantum Fetish Mechanics?
/ Dora: The act of thinking up a new kind of fetish causes that fetish to exist. Someone probably even has a website dedicated to it. / Marten: So Schrodinger's cat is not only neither dead nor alive, but might also be sexually aroused by elbows and peanut butter?
/ Faye: Exactly. Schrödinger put his cat in the box because it was CREEPING HIM OUT.
/ Dora: And now somewhere there is a dude furiously masturbating to that mental image. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=715 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Marten: Come have dinner with us. You should at least get some food in you before you go drown your sorrows.
/ Dora: I promise not to get all smoochy with Marten and bum you out. / Steve: Haha, thanks. You know, this may be the first time in history that Marten has a better love life than I do.
/ Marten: Ssh, you'll jinx it! Dora will turn out to be a secret roadkill necrophiliac and I'll have to break up with her.
/ Faye: Eww! Please tell me that is not a real fetish.
/ Dora: It probably is now, thanks to Quantum Fetish Mechanics / Faye: Quantum Fetish Mechanics?
/ Dora: The act of thinking up a new kind of fetish causes that fetish to exist. Someone probably even has a website dedicated to it. / Marten: So Schrodinger's cat is not only neither dead nor alive, but might also be sexually aroused by elbows and peanut butter?
/ Faye: Exactly. Schrödinger put his cat in the box because it was CREEPING HIM OUT.
/ Dora: And now somewhere there is a dude furiously masturbating to that mental image. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=715# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{title text: Thank God For Lorem Ipsum}}
/ {{comic number: 716}} / [[At a pizza shop]]
/ Dora: This is what you meant by "Italian food"?
/ Faye: Yes. Pizza slices the size of one's head.
/ Hannelore: When was the last time they cleaned their oven? / Faye: Sometime during the Carter administration. It adds flavour.
/ Dora: Shtop shcarin' her, Faye.
/ Hannelore: Once slice of cheese please, and go easy on the carcinogens
/ Bearded cashier: Mmmkay. / Steve: So you're gonna be working at the Smif library? Sweet, you can help me score with hot college chicks.
/ Marten: Didn't you and Ellen just break up? You're reloadin' awful fast. / Steve: I gotta maintain a positive attitude. At least, until I get all drunk and weepy later.
/ Marten: You can have my shoulder to cry on, but I'm takin' it back the minute you progress to the homoerotic "I love you, man. I LOVE you!" stage http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=716 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Dora: This is what you meant by "Italian food?"
/ Faye: Yes. Pizza slices the size of one's head.
/ Hannelore: Whe ws the last time they cleaned their oven? / Faye: Sometime during the Carter administration. It adds flavor.
/ Dora: Shtop shcarin her, Faye.
/ Hannelore: On slice of cheese please, and go easy on the carcinogens.
/ Cashier: Mmmkay. / Steve: So you're gonna be workin'at the Smif library? Sweet, you can help me score with hot college chicks.
/ Marten: Didn't you and Ellen just break up? You're reloadin' awfu fast. / Steve: I gotta maintain a positive attitude. At least, until I get all drunk and weepy later.
/ Marten: You can have my shoulder to cry on, but I'm takin' it back the minute you progress to the homoerotic "I love you, man. I LOVE you!" stage. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=716# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{title text: Number 717: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful}} / martin: Where to now, boss?
/ steve: Booze. We're gonna need booze.
/ faye: I like the way you think, sir.
/ dora: Years from now, we're gonna look back on this moment as the exact point where the night went to hell. / steve: Salutations, my good man! A bottle of your finest burbon whiskey, please.
/ liquor store clerk: Our "finest?"
/ steve: You heard me.
/ liquor store clerk: Ok, s'your eyesight. / [[clerk opens a case he presumably pulled from under the counter]]
/ < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=717 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{ Number 717: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful }}
/ Marten: Where too now, boss?
/ Steve: Booze. We're gonna need booze.
/ Faye: I like the way you think, sir.
/ Dora: Years from now, we're gonna look back on this moment as the exact point where the night went to hell. / [[ Liquor store ]]
/ Steve: Salutations, my good man! A bottle of your finest bourbon whiskey, please.
/ Clerk: Our "finest?"
/ Steve: You heard me.
/ Clerk: Okay, s'your eyesight. / [[ Clerk opens locked case ]]< http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=717# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | All right, let's crack this bad boy open and see how good it really is.
/ I'm warnin' you Faye, this isn't your regular sippin' whiskey. Drink it too fast and it'll knock you clean out. / Yeah right. My liver is undefeated in all bouts against bourbon. Cheers, prost, salud, et cetera. / glrnk! / Faye? You all right? Faye?
/ Everthing's...blueshifted...a myriad of quantum states...all of them deliciously intoxicated...
/ "Warning: consumption of this bourbon whiskey may cause you to get religon, get naked, or get arrested."
/ It doesn't say anything about relativistic time dilation. Mabey we should call the hospital. Or a physicist. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=718 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: All right, let's crack this bad boy open and see how good it really is.
/ Steve: I'm warnin' you Faye, this isn't your regular sippin' whiskey. Drink it too fast and it'll knock you clean out. / Faye: Yeah right. My liver is undefeated in all bouts against bourbon. Cheers, prost, salud, et cetera. / < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=718# |
| Don't Wanna Be Your Beast Of Bourbon | [[Steve and Marten sitting on the couch, drunk. Hannelore and Dora passed out.]]
/ Steve: Damn, are all the girls passed out?
/ Marten: Yup. Faye's on the floor behind the couch. S'there any bourbon left?
/ Steve: Nope, we drank it all. / [[Steve sitting on the couch, talking to Marten. Marten standing, staggering]]
/ Marten: All right buddy, I gotta be up for work early tomorrow. Time for me to hit the hay.
/ Steve: Aw c'mon, don't be such a party pooper. I know, let's go on a vision quest! You an' me, survivin' in the wilderness, all havin' visions and wrestlin' bears...
/ Marten: The only bears to wrestle around here are big hairy dudes in leather chaps. I'm goin' to bed. Gotta pee first though. / [[Marten entering bathroom. Hallucination sitting on toilet reading "Drunken Hallucination Weekly"]]
/ Hallucination: Whoa! Hey! Yer s'posed to knock first!
/ Marten: Gah! / [[Living room, Steve talking to Marten, Hallucination standing behind Marten]]
/ Steve: You all right? What'd you yell for?
/ Marten: Nothing, nothing. I'll walk you home. The fresh air might sober me up a little.
/ Hallucination: T'aint likley. D'you know how much of that stuff you DRANK? I'm surprised you ain't seein' three of me. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=719 |
| Don't want to be your beast of bourbon | Steve: Damn, are all the girls passed out?
/ Marten: Yup. Fay's on the floor behind the couch. S'there any burbon left?
/ Steve: No, we drank it all / Marten: Alright buddy, I gotta be up for work early tomorrow. Time to hit the hay.
/ Steve: Aw, c'mon! Don't be a party pooper. I know, let's go on a vision quest! You an' me, survivin' in the wilderness, all havin' visions and wrestlin' bears...
/ Marten: The only bears to wrestle around here are big hairy dudes in leather chaps. I'm goin' to bed. Gotta pee first though. / Marten: Gah!
/ Borbon Bear: Whoa! Hey! Your s'posed to knock first! / Steve: You alright? What'd you yell for?
/ Marten: Nothing, nothing. I'll walk you home. Fresh air might sober me up a little.
/ Bourbon Bear: T'aint likely. D'you know how much of that stuff you DRANK? I'm surprised you ain't seein' three of me. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=719# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [Marten and Steve are walking down an alley]
/ Steve: ... So I dunno man. One one hand I'm sad we broke up. On the other hand, it's like I got endless possibilities with other ladies now.
/ [Background Noise: VROOOOOOOOOO]
/ Marten: Hey, what the- / [A purple-haired girl on a vespa speeds between the two]
/ Marten: JESUS SHIT!
/ Steve: What the fuckin' fuck? / [Marten is on the ground]
/ Marten: What the christ was that? Is she TRYING to kill us?!
/ Steve: She's comin' around for another pass! Do we Fight, use an Item, or Run?
/ Marten: What?
/ Steve: FIGHT, ITEM, OR RUN! Decide!
/ Marten: We can't outrun a chick on a Vespa!
/ Steve: All right, fight it is then! Get ready, I'll try to distract her! / [Marten is holding a stop sign and post, Steve is holding a trash can lid]
/ Marten: I am nowhere near effeminate of spiky-haired enough for this.
/ Steve: We'll get you some hair gel and hotpants tomorrow! Now shut up and pray for a Critical Hit! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=720 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[Outside, Steve and Martin are walking]]
/ Steve: ...So I dunno man. On one hand I'm sad we broke up. On the other hand, it's like I got endless possibilities with other ladies now.
/ < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=720# |
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