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| 1004 | ink / / Bird 1: Has the house-goddess filled the box with our favorite tasty seeds again? / Bird 2: Indeed she has. She is truly kind and good. And yet ... and yet, she owns the cat. / / / Bird 1: Ah, the cat. He's gotten four of us this spring. Raises all kinds of sticky theological questions about good and evil. So how do you reconcile these two facts? / Bird 2: Will, I'm working on two separate theories. The first is that it is actually the cat who owns her ... / Bird 1: Hm. And the second? / / / http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id= |
| Roofers | Roofer 1: I'm not joking, Ben! I really nailed my hand to the roof! / Ben: I don't believe you.I've had seven years of your jokes. I'm not even looking up this time. / Roofer 1: But it hurts so bad! / / Ben: And even if you really did it, it serves you right. It's like "the Boy who Cried Wolf." / Roofer 1: You're right, Ben. I know you're right.I promise I'll never lie again. / From now on, I'll try to conduct myself in a moral manner in any situation. / Ben: Good. / / Roofer 1: Okay, so let's see...What would Jesus do? / Ben: Now dammit, I almost believed you, and then you make a horrible joke like that. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1001 |
| Koalas | Mother Koala: Here come some more people. Now who's cute? / Baby Koala: We're cute. / Mother: Who's Fuzzy and adorable? / Baby: Koala bears. / Mother: Work it. / Baby: I am soooo workin' it. / / / Mother: Aw yeah. Who's got this kinda cute ... the monkeys?! / Baby: Fuck the monkeys. / Mother: Thass right. Hang on, here it comes ... / / / Crowd: Awwwwww! / Mother: Did you hear that? / Baby: We own their ass. / Mother: Man, that is just better than sex. / http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1005 |
| Mr. Ficus | Little girl: Mommy says you're not doing too good Mr. Ficus. / Ficus: I'm dying, kid. Your mother keeps dumping that over-chlorinated crap you call tap water on me. / / / Little girl: Is there anything I can do to make you better? / Ficus: No, it's too late for me. But maybe you could get Mrs. Mengele a book on plant care, beforCowboy 1: I once shot a man to correct his grammar. / / / Cowboy 1: I guess it's true what they say: "An armed society is a polite society." / Cowboy 2: Soon I will have once shot a man for unconscious use of irony. / Cowboy 1: Say, was that correct grammar, pard'ner? / http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1007 |
| Paradox Dragon | Narrator: On the hundredth day of my quest, I faced the paradox dragon. I knew that one of its three heads always lied, one always told the truty, and the other head would alternate. / Head 1: You may ask us one question, then you must guess which head is which. / Head 2: He's lying. You get three questions. / Head 3: Oh no. It's definitely one question. / / Narrator: Not willing to risk counting on three questions, I asked the 1st head what the 2nd head would say if I were to ask it if the 3rd head had been lying when it agreed with the 1st head that I could only ask one question. / Head 1: Oh. Okay, hold on a minute. What was the, um..the third part of that question? About the agreeing? / Head 2: He'd say, "yes, the 3rd head was lying." / Head 1: He didn't ask you. Besides, you're lying. / / Head 2: Yes. I was lying. / Head 3: No you weren't. / Head 1: Shut up! I'm working on the answer! / Head 2: No you aren't. / Narrator: I'd like to claim that I answered the riddle, or slew the dragon in honorable combat. But truthfully, the poor beast squabbled for twenty more minutes and died of a migraine. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1008 |
| Bogroll the Cyclops | Evil lord: All right, Bogroll. Now at your last performance review, you named some areas where you could improve. You said you'd like to "Be teased less by the other henchmen," and "Be better at lurking and stealth." Now how is the stealth thing coming? / Bogroll: Quite well, my lord. I have perfected a way to disguise myself as a butterfly. / / / / Bogroll: I've spent hours wearing pink paper wings and frolicking in the meadow. The other henchmen say it's quite graceful and convincing. / Evil lord: Ah. Okay I'll just mark both areas as "still improving." http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1009 |
| Phone Geek | So you'll never believe what I snagged on eBay. You know how proud you are of your "Revenge of the Jedi" poster? Well now I can top it. I just got an ultra-rare, full-size "Star Trek II: The Vengeance of Khan" poster. Mint. / ROFL. Dude, I can't believe you're the buyer on that. It's my auction! And the poster's bogus; I did it in Photoshop and ran if off the Fuji here at work. / / Are you kidding me? / No, dude. I told you they never released any "Vengeance of Khan" merchandise before they changed it to "Wrath." Unlike Jedi. / / I can't believe it faked you out. Didn't you notice Montalban is wearing his white suit from Fantasy Island? / Yeah well I can't believe you sand "ROFL" instead of laughing. / Hey but it's cool that you can do that. Can you make me one that says "Attack of the Clowns?" http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1010 |
| Anniversary Couple | It's so romantic, renewing our vows a week after our granddaughter was married. / They made the perfect couple, didn't they? After us, of course. / / I know! / Can't you picture them at our age in 40 years? He'll be handsome and strong in his smart-fiber tuxedo and bionic implants. She'll be fussing wither her nanites to get her hair just right, and her skin that perfect shade of lavender... / And since they won't require sleep, they'll probably have new hearts cloned, just so they survive the second honeymoon! / / Ha-ha! / Oh, I just hope they'll be has happy as we are. / Well, I think a cranial shunt, sending a permanent low-grade current to their hypothalamus should assure that. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1011 |
| Ducklings | Well. Here we are. / The world is certainly a big and connfusing place, isn't it? / Nah, I got it all figured out. / You do? / Sure. Remember, I hatched a whole day before you did. I've seen a lot more. Here's all you need to know... / / There's blobs that move, and blobs that don't. You can ignore the blobs that don't move, except for the food blobs; eat those whenever you find one. Run away from all of the moving blobs, except for the mama duck blob; that one you follow wherever it goes. Do all that, and you'll be fine. / Hmmmm. / / Well, it doesn't exactly explain everything, but it's oddly satisfying to have a set of rules to follow. / And it's oddly satisfying to have someone to follow my rules. Did I mention there's an invisible duck in the sky who sees everything you do? / No! What does he want us to do? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1012 |
| Boot Hill | C'mon, Archibald. Just tell us how you died. / Yeah. / Now. It's not a contest, okay? We're all dead! It shouldn't matter how we got here. / / You know, Halloween is coming soon. / Oh yeah! We can walk over there and read his headstone. / OK, fine. I was on the trail at night, extremely drunk and lonely, and I, uh... made love... to my horse. / Pfff! / Ha! / Waid, how did that kill you? / / It was a ...stallion. / I was the... "passive partner." / Gah! / Oh my God! / And it says that on your stone?! / Yeah. / Well, "RIP" would've been accurate, but hardly sufficient. / *snort* http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1013 |
| Mr. Hare | Ha-ha! What a story! It must be ever so grand to live in an enchanted wood, Mr. Hare. / Quite so. But it has its perils. Just this morning, for example, I was nearly eaten by a great, hungry wolf. / Goodness! / / Indeed. I had to talk most devilishly quick! / Oh? And what clever thing did you say to get him to spare you? / / I promised that I would find him a bigger meal than me by sundown. / Ha-ha! Stupid, greedy wolf! / Er, is that you breathing? / Yes well, there's a sort of a code we follow... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1014 |
| Merlin's Magic Mirror | Narrator: My uncle was a rogue archaeologist. He left me the most precious artifact he ever looted: Merlin's magic mirror. / Mirror: Bah. / / Narrator: It can answer any question I ask it. But I've been warned of its curse. If I try to use its knowledge for my own personal gain, I will come to ruin. / Mirror: Yes. That's exactly what happened to Napoleon, and Fatty Arbuckle. / / Narrator: ...and my uncle. So I keep it in the den and use it for crossword puzzles. My friends think it came from Spencer's. / Mirror: A four-letter word meaning "booty," and ending in F? / "Pelf!" Give me a hard one! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1015 |
| Makeup Counter | And the nice thing about this line of cosmetics is that they're not tested on animals. / That's great! But how do you know they're safe? / / Easy. They test them on political prisoners in Myanmar, in exchange for reduced sentences. / Um, really? You're kidding... / / Oh, don't worry...not the cute ones. / Oh! Okay. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1016 |
| Brain Surgeon | I know I have to keep talking to you, doctor. But I'm afraid I'm distracting you or something. / It's part of the procedure, Mr. Billings. I have to map the regions of your brain. Just keep talking, about anything at all. / / Oh, OK. Uh, did you watch the Rams game? / Yes! And I can't believe they couldn't beat the spread! I had $200 bucks on those--oops. / "Oops?!" / It's nothing, go on. / / Oh. Well, they could have had a smurfdown on that fourth and one smurfuation, if Smurf Warner had just thrown the smurfball, instead of smurfing off to Marshall Smurf... / Yike. This is either a lawsuit or an article in JAMA, depending on how I play it. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1017 |
| Tractor Safety Manual | Boy howdy, there's a lot of things they tell you not ta do with this new model. / "Do not use to demolish structures." / / "Do not use to pull an automotive engine block... do not use as a bulletproof barricade..." / And ta think, each of these warnings has a story behind it. / / Ooh, there you are, Chet! There you are right there!! "Do not operate using unapproved or homemade fuel source." You're famous! / You're right! Wow. / Hey seein' that, I almost don't miss my feet. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1018 |
| Reincarnated Baby | If you were wondering about reincarnation, folks, it's true. A few weeks ago I was an investment banker with emphysema. I made a lot of money, but I ruined quite a few people's lives doing it. / It looks like I've been given a chance to live a new life, free of my past mistakes. / / Now, I know I'll probably forget about my former life before I learn to walk and talk again, but if I take one lesson with me into this new one, I hope it's this... / / I have got to loosen my grip on the club, and not lift my head on the backswing. / God that feels good! She is so much better than the gal at the hospice. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1019 |
| Old Man Greene | After dad was gone, I had to go back to Albertville, to find out for myself why he refused to ever talk about the town he grew up in. / You shouldn't've come here, son. Sometimes the truth needs to stay buried. / But since it's important to ya... yeah, I'll tell you what happened. / / Your daddy was a sissy boy. A bunch of us found out he like to dress up in women's clothes, and we ran him outa town in the summer of '63 / I told Old Man Greene he was crazy. That was impossible. Dad was a Marine, for God's sake. / / Well, you're better off takin' my word for it, but you can prove it to yourself. / Go get the DVD of "A Hard Day's Night." At the 53:40 mark, there's three seconds of your old man in a platinum wig, screaming his lungs out for Paul McCartney. / Just don't blame me if you can't sleep at night. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1020 |
| Fishing With Grampa | hey grampa? how come you never give me any, like, "wise old advice?" / well, jeanette, i guess it's because of something my grandfather told me, when i was about your age. / / he said, "harlan, if you ever find yourself a good woman, don't shy away from givin' her the backhand once in a while. keeps her in line. and don't ever take no shit from no coloreds, neither." / whoa. / / so i guess my advice to you is: don't give advice when you get old. you can't possibly avoid sounding like an asshole. / yer cool, grampa. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1021 |
| Doing Taxes | Three dependents. That's all I can claim. No additional deductions for "spouse" if she happens to be a hideous, life-draining harpy. / / Bill Sherman's kids bring home trophies from the science fair and gymnastics. / Is it fair that he gets the same two deductions that I get for raising the Antichrist and his understudy? This barely covers their property damage. / / Hey! Father-Of-The-Year! Pick up the phone! The cops are holding Austin again! / I will deal with this... and when I get back, I am claiming a deduction for depreciation on my soul. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1022 |
| Boy Reading | Oss... / truh... / lo... / pith... / uh... / seen... / Sweetie stop making noises and look at the book, okay? See the picture of the caveman family? Can you say "caveman?" / / Ho... / mo... / hab... / bill... / luss... / No sweetie, caveman. Caaaaaavemaaaaan. / / It's okay, your daddy and I will always love you and we'll never give up on you. / Look, they have a doggy. Say "doggy?" / Kay... / niss... / fuh... / millee... / ar... / iss... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1023 |
| Paddleboat | I guess it's my information-age attention span, but I gotta admit I'm getting bored. / How can you say that? It's the most dramatic thing we've ever witnessed! / / Well yeah, for the first hour. The blessing of seeing something like this on the news is that they show you ten seconds of footage and tell you, "At the state fair today, a boy dangled by his leg from a broken ferris wheel for three hours before being rescued by firefighters." / You don't actually have to sit and watch the whole thing in a rented paddleboat, paying $12 bucks an hour. / / Ugh. Where's your compassion? That kid is terrified! / C'mon. He's got a Game Boy. He's bored with this too. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1024 |
| Tank | Lieutenant: Sergeant, our next objective is a battering ram maneuver. We're to smash through the cinder block structure at the top of the next rise. / Sergeant: Yes, sir. / / blank / / Lieutenant: And please don't yell, "hey, Kool-Aid!" again. It's only funny once. / Sergeant: Yes, sir. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1025 |
| Computer Training | OK, now move the curosr to the blue status bar and click once. / You're such a patient trainer, Susan. / OK, what did that beep mean? / / That's called an "alert chime." It means that something has changed and it needs your attention. Can you see what to do next? / I think so. Let me try on my own. / / Wooooow... / That was good, Sylvia, you really blew the fuck out of that Battlemech. / Just like I'll be doing to my grandson on Christmas morning. / "ALT-L" loots the corpse, right? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1026 |
| Hiking | Mr. Whittaker? Brent keeps stepping on my boot heel. / So hit him. Punch him in the eye. / / That's now what you're supposed to say. You're not being a very good role model. / Let me take this opportunity to disabuse you of that notion: I am not a role model. / Trust me. If all of you kids said, "I want to live my life by the stellar example set for me by Mr. Whittaker," then half of you'd end up in rehab and a third would be behind bars. / / And the other one-sixth? / Well, Captain Fraction... assuming you found a judge who was fond of giving community service, you might find yourself leading ten Beaver-Cleaver clones through the woods on Kentucky Derby day, pondering the fate of the five large bills you've got on Harlan's Holiday to win. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1027 |
| Construction Crew | Man 1: Man, he can't do that. Get him down here. / Chuck: Larry, there's some concern among the site managers that you might not be fit for duty. We need you to park the crane, come down here and pee in a cup, please. / Larry Martin: What?! How could you think I'm on drugs? I place twice as many beams as any other operator on this job site! / / Man 1: Is he coming down? / Chuck: It's how you do it, Larry. / Hey look I invented the "Larry Martin Overhand I-beam Placement TEchnique" and it works great. / Chuck: Yeah, but your co-workers aren't too happy about having a half-ton girder whistling down out of the sky and slamming into pace a few inches overhead. / / Larry Martin: They're pussies! I never miss! / Man 1: Chuck, get him down here... / Chuck: Yea, okay, you're frickin' William Tell. But it's time to fill a cup, Willy. Now. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1028 |
| Carriage Ride | Oh Alexei. Leave it to you to come up with some grand romantic gesture to try and save our relationship. / But it's no use. We're from different worlds. It's time we went our separate ways. / It's not that simple, Anne. You see, if I can't have you, nobody can. / / A number of my fellow KGB agents, all crack sharpshooters, are positioned among the surrounding buildings. / Now perhaps you would like to rethink your decision? / Oh Alexei, you beautiful fool. Do you think "The Company" would let me come out to meet with you without covering me with a team of our own snipers? Only now that you've blabbed who we're with, we're going to have to kill the driver, damn you. / / Pleeease I'm a Teamster, and I work in central park. You think I don't have a team in position? / Ooh. / Tie ball game. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1029 |
| Scarecrow | Oh God, here they come. Mr. and Mrs. Suburban Chic, getting out of their Lexus to snap a few shots of this "idyllic rustic autumnal tableau." / Look at 'em tiptoe across the field. Like if they stepped in a cow pie they'd get a leg blown off. / Christ, he's got a Nikon F-5. That's an $1,800 camera. You could feed a village, you Bourgeois bastard! And here I am, forced to pose for him. / / / / Plus it rained last night and I must look like shit. / ...I had a hat! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1030 |
| Language Lab | Welcome to the Morningwood College Language Lab. You have selected reel 1 of PLAT 101: Introduction to Pig Latin. / / When you have completed the intro course, you will be proficient in this timeless and musical tongue. You will manage complex phrases, such as: "ou-yay ould-shay ave-hay one-gay o-tay an-yay accredited-yay ool-schay." / / If you are attending Morningwood on an athletic scholarship, you may skip this reel and proceed to reel 20. / As we would say in Pig Latin: "on't-day et-sway it-yay." http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1031 |
| Optometrist Mom | OK, Lydia. When you meet the optometrist, she'll be wearing a coat like this, and she'll ask you to read this exact chart. / But I can see the letters fine, mommy. I don't have to cheat. / / It's not cheating, it's preparation. The other mommies just don't care enough about their little girls to buy the prep materials for this test, which they could get through any opthamological supply catalog. / Can't we skip this and go to trigonometry? Pleeeeeese? / / Sweetie, no. This won't take long. You'll be at your trig homework by midnight. I promise. / C'mon. You don't want to end up like those people on Jay Leno who can't point to the Earth on a globe, do you? / But they look so happy... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1032 |
| Mrs. Baxter's Baby | Is he your first baby, Mrs. Baxter? / Oh yes. It's the first time anything has come out of my body that didn't get flushed down the toilet. / / Kind of a creepy observation, but true enough, I suppose. / I just mean... well it's weird, isn't it? It's like one day you took a massive poop, and they wrapped it in blankets and told you you have to take care of it for 18 years and send it to college. / / I'm just going to have the doctor drop by and check your meds, okay? / What do you think of the name "Colin"? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1033 |