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| Championship Dance | Well congratulations again, William. You know how this little town revolves around high school basketball. I can't think of anyone who isn't here to celebrate your state championship. / Thanks, Mrs. Langston. / / So will you go on to bigger and better things? Or do you think someday you'll get to be my age and look back on this as the high point of your life? I mean, what can you do to top this? / Oh, I think I'll be able to top it... / / Cause if I'm not way off-base, I'm about to lose my virginity with my best friend's mom. / Oh yes you are. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1069 |
| Quarterly Results | Manager: What an awful quarter! Right here, you can see it all: the fires, the flood, the plant explosion, the crop pests, the mine collapse. What caused all of this? / Vice-president: I'd say certain bad acquisitions in the previous quarter. / / Manager: We shouldn't have bought the tomb-raiding company. / Vice-president: Exactly. Or the mineral rights to that Sioux burial ground. Or the mirror recycling firm. / That monkey's paw you bought in Belize probably didn't help a lot, either. / / Manager: God, how are we going to spin this to our shareholders? / Vice-president: Good news there. Focus groups indicate they're a lot more concerned with their leprosy. / Well, the focus groups that returned. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1070 |
| Three Witches | Witch 1: That's all, only the stirring is left. Oh I'm so glad the town council didn't vote to ban our traditional evil brew! / Witch 2: Well how could they, when they've all got laryngitis? / Witch 3: That was a fine spell, Esclandra. / / W 1: Yes. The coughing-up of beetles was a nice touch. / W 2: Thank you, dearie. / W 3: Still, we can't depend on black magic forever. This is religious persecution! We should get a lawyer. / / W 1: Well, I hate to ruin the surprise, but what do you think we've been making? / W 2: Oooh! How evil! / W 3: Look, he's babbling already! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1071 |
| Grandpa Planting | Girl: Grandfather, why do I feel so different from the other kids all the time? / Grandfather: Ah, well. It's time you learned the truth about this family, little one. We are from another star system. / You are being raised as a human so that you can learn their ways... knowledge that you must have it you are to become their queen someday. / / Girl: But grandfather, I -- / Oh, you are sooo full of bull crap. / Grandfather: Fine. You feel different because your mother is color blind and she buys all of your outfits at yard sales. On the wrong side of town. / / Girl: Ouch. / Grandfather: A horsefly may be full of bull crap, bit if you call him out, you will be stung. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1074 |
| Thanksgiving | And in particular, Lord, we are thankful for family... That this joining of two great families, the Hopes and the Turners, has allowed each to experience life through the eyes of the other. / / Speaking on behalf of the Turners, we are thankful that our eyes have been opened to all that might have gone wrong in our house. Thankful, Lord, that there are no Turners who could not be present today because they are a guest of the State, or for that matter, a fugitive thereof. / ... And that no Turner ever saw fit to date and impregnate a cross-eyed stripper, let alone bring her to our table today. / / In short, Lord, you in your wisdom could not have provided us with a better reminder of all that for which we have to be thankful. Amen. / Amen. / Please keep your heads bowed. The Hopes will now have the agreed-upon two minutes for a rebuttal prayer. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1078 |
| Kids Feeding Horse | I heard about two kids who wouldn't do their chores? And they died? And the Devil made them pick needles on his cactus farm for all eternity. / Really? / / Uh huh. And there was these other kids who didn't do their chores, and they died, and the Devil made them shovel flaming cow pies from his demon cows for all eternity! / Oh no! / / So see? Feeding a disembodied horse head forever isn't that bad. / Yeah, but I still wish we'd done our chores. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1080 |
| Exterminators | Hey Dwight? What do you pretend we're killin' instead of bugs? / What? Nothing, just bugs! Termites, ants, and wasps, man! / Damn, you've said some freaky things, but now I know you're a psychopath. / / Sorry. / / Okay, but you know I gotta ask-- / Orcs. As they scale the walls of Helm's Deep. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1085 |
| Wartime Ladies | WOMAN 1: It was the government posters about motherhood which really convinced us to have anoter child. We must do our part to defeat the kaiser, and all. / EMILY: But that's such a funny thing, isn't it? Thinking of one's womb as a weapon of war? / / WOMAN 1: You're not married yet, Emily. Someday you'll understand that patriotic duty calls all women to use our god-given procreative equipment to aid our country. / EMILY: Oh perhaps... / / EMILY: But for now I shall keep mine in the service of Navy morale. / WOMAN 2: Well that's- Ooh... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1086 |
| Football Holder | Holder: OK, Charlie Brown, I'll hold the ball, and you run up and kick it. / Kicker: What? What is that supposed to mean? Are you saying you're gonna pull the ball away? / / Holder: No Zack, it's just a joke. I'm just trying to lighten up a long practice. / Kicker: Well it's not funny! Kicking is a mental game! You tell me you're gonna pull the ball away and that's all I'll be able to think about! Maybe forever! I can't believe youd ice your own kicker like that! / / Kicker: I'll never be able to kick again! / AUUUGH!! / Holder: You are one fucked-up little wingnut, Charlie Brown. *Good grief* http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1087 |
| Couple in Convertible | WOMAN: Well that's it, Richard. Our thrill-seeking days are over. No more extreme behavior. / RICHARD: Agreed. Besides, we could never top that last job for sheer audacity. / On to California to settle down and raise a family. / / WOMAN: I can't wait! / Do you think we'll ever tell our kids about these days? / RICHARD: Sure. When the statutes of limitation expire. / / WOMAN: Oh they'll just never believe their stodgy old folks were adrenaline junkies...that we got our kicks from a string of fifteen bank holdups! / RICHARD: Or that the oldest was conceived during one. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1088 |
| NASA Kid | Man: And this is a picture of the Apollo 11 module on the moon. / Boy: Nuh-uh. I saw on TV that the moon landing was fake. / Man: Ah. / Y'know kid, we here at NASA kind of feel that we're the agency that was responsible for mankind's greatest accomplishment. / / Man: And yet, your generation is being brought up to be so scientifically illiterate and lacking in critical reasoning skills that you'd rather believe in an hour-long piece of broadcast vomit from the network that brought you "Alien Autopsy." / I mean, look at this picture. We brought back actual rocks. / / Boy: Hey I have that one! I have a big rock collection. / Man: Yes, it keeps rattling when you nod. / Boy: Hey can we see the dead aliens now? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1089 |
| Tent | Voice 1: Hey what do you think the oldest joke in the world is? / / faaaaart. / / Voice 2: You...sulphurous bastard. / Voice 1: But I'm right! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1090 |
| Water Skier | Roger: Oh man! Are we really gonna go through with this? / Woman: We have to, Roger! / Hit it, Kyle. / Kyle: Hi! I'm Kyle. No last name. I'm a character in a PartiallyClips comic strip, talking to you, the reader! / / Roger: He did it! He broke the fourth wall! / Woman: Woo hoo!! Stay loose, Roger! Keep your knees bent. / Ha ha. / Kyle: The last strip was a fart joke...about as low as you can sink. So we figured, fuck it! There are no rules anymore. This comic's days of subtle, character-driven psychological humor are over! / / Woman: Are you ready? / Roger: Hell yeah! / Kyle: And now, I'm gonna take this baby up to 70 mph and plow us into the boathouse! Right after Roger jumps that shark. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1091 |
| Rebuilding the Wall | Narrator: And on the Third Day the Creator was sorely vexed with Himself, and unto the Clip Art people He did command, "Thou shalt rebuild the sundered 4th Wall." / And whilst the 4th Wall was incomplete He did makest three promises unto the Reader: / / Narrator: 1. "I shall Never Break This Wall Again, as this Gag has been Done to Unto Death." / 2. "I shall Never Serialize Strips Again, as New Readers are saying, 'Uhhh, da Hell?'" / 3. "I shall Never Lean on Self-Referential Humor Again, as it is way too Cutesy-Fart." / / Narrator: Now hurry it up, guys. I've got some chickens coming in for the next strip. / Worker 1: Very funny. / Worker 2: You have no idea how bad I'm cramping! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1092 |
| Chickens | Hen 1: He's coming for our eggs again, girls. Help me take him down this time. / Hen 2: No! / Hen 3: Forget it. I don't know where you get these violent ideas, anyway. / Hen 1: I'll tell you. Some researchers bred North American roosters to African hens, hoping to increase production. / / Hen 1: Instead, they get us. Africanized, or "killer" chickens. A bunch of us overpowered our guards and shot our way out. I'm in hiding here. / Hen 2: Hmph. / Hen 3: Sure you are. / / Hen 2: Well then if you're so tough, why do you need our help? / Hen 3: Yeah! / Hen 1: Those researchers only had pistols. It'll take at least two of us to work that 10-gauge shotgun of his. / Yeahhh, I'm watchin' you, mister. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1093 |
| Undersea Captain | Captain: Beneath the sea, a man can finally find a peaceful solitude. The ocean's depths bring an unmatched serenity to the turbulence of the soul. / (Sound: Knock, knock) / / Captain: The strangeness beckons one's curiosity. The dim sights and alien sounds play upon a man's mind, revealing as much about his own nature as the sea's. / (Sound: Knock, knock, knock!) / Captain: What is it?! / / Voice: Medication time, Mr. Bruckner! Open the door, or you'll lose your locking privileges. / Captain: I answer only to "Captain!" http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1094 |
| Caveman Couple | Woman: And so we have buried another son, thanks to his foolish father. / Man: You don't understand, woman. Hyena-baiting is an important sport. It teaches proper spear handling, and -- / / Woman: No! You're finished. No more dangerous games with the boys. No "hyena-baiting," no "snare the adder," no "snatch the boar piglet." / Man: *Sigh* / / Man: Yes. You are right. / Woman: ... and that includes "Hungry, Hungry Hippos!" http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1095 |
| Doing Homework | Essay Test: Suppose that the events in Hamlet had transpired in modern times. Would DNA evidence be enough to convict King Claudius? Or would his celebrity status sway a jury into a "not guilty" verdict? / If so, could Hamlet prevail in a wrongful death suit in a civil court? / / In our post-OJ, post-Clinton, post-Enron era of zero accountability, would liability be provable in any of the play's three murders, one suicide and five manslaughters? Or would the cases drag on in the courts and never be resolved? / / Support your conclusions. Then, reverse your conclusions and argue the other side just as plausibly. / Extra Credit: Refuse to turn in this test until the words "essay" and "test" are explicitly defined. Petition the county to fire me. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1096 |
| Shark Diver | Diver: I can't believe Agent Higby's nerve, saying I "embellish the details" of my missions. Just because he's in Signals Intel and never leaves HQ. Jealous wanker. / / Diver: I mean, just that withering look he gave me when I said that I was planning to infiltrate Baron Zrfeld's underwater base by scuba... the scorn... / / Shark: Did you mention your telepathic shark? / Diver: I never even got to the robotic homing squid! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1097 |
| Garden Shed | Narrator: Seeking a way to "make extra cash," ordinary teen Max Martin answers an ad in a Spider-Man comic book. / Three weeks later, hig lightbulb-powered incubator and six quail eggs arrive by US Mail. / / Narrator: Max plans to sell the quail eggs to "gourmet restaraunts" as the brocure instructs, but it does not mention how... / It also does not mention that nearly all US mail is now irradiated / / Narrator: Bitten by a radioactive quail chick, Max takes on the proportionate physical attributes and senses of a baby quail. / Each morning before school, a group of neighborhood kids must flush him from his hiding place. / Kid 1: Ready? One... two... / Kid 2: I love this part so much. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1098 |
| Spaceships 1 and 2 | COMIC ONE / Spaceship1: Commander, do you think we will ever make peace with the humans? / Spaceship2: No, podling. It can never be. We have gathered a century's worth of their transmissions, and we know they are irredeemable. / Did you not view enough "Diff'rent Strokes" in your training creche? / / COMIC TWO: / Narrator: Meanwhile, United Earth forces are on patrol... / Shuttle1: Captain, do you think we'll ever make peace with the Xenothids? / Shuttle2: I certainly hope so, cadet. I can truly hope that we can, and soon. For all our sakes. / / COMIC ONE: / Spaceship1: But sir, what about PBS? / Spaceship2: PBS, featuring Alan Alda? / / COMIC 2: / (beat panel) / / COMIC 1: / Spaceship 1: Oh. I forgot. / / Spaceship 2: We were only planning to wipe out their species. Now we're looking at detonating their sun to prevent the possibility of an Alan Alda evolving in the future. / / COMIC 2: / Shuttle2: I mean, their chicks are sooohoho...HOT!! / Shuttle1: YES!! OWWWWWwww... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1099 |
| Lighthouse | Damn, the bulb is out again / Now where am I gonna find 1,001 Polacks at this time of night? / / / / Oh come on, that was funny. / Woof. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1100 |
| Cowboy Riders | Cowboy1: Hey Prescott? What do you know about women? / Prescott: Precious little, compadre. Women are a divine and terrible mystery. / Cowboy2: You ain't just whistlin' Dixie. / / Cowboy1: Well Susie was cryin' when we left town, and I can't figure if it was somethin' I said, or what. / Prescott: I couldn't tell ya what goes on in a woman's head. I doubt we were meant ta know. / Cowboy2: You ain't just whistlin' Oh Susanna. / / Prescott: And besides their heads, there's whole functions of their, uh... biology that I know close to nothing about, too. / Cowboy1: Well close ta nothin' is more'n I want to know about that. / Cowboy2: You ain't just whistlin' Red River Valley. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1101 |
| Team Building Exercise | Woman1: Ok, let's start the stupid team-building exercise. / Woman2: I hate these. / Man: It says the four of us are in a room, with no visible exits... / Ian: Oh! I know this one! It's from a Star Trek episode. One of us has to die so the others can live. / / Woman1: Good. Which one of you will it be? / Woman2: Not me. / Man: I have a son in rehab. / Ian: *sigh* I'll do it. I was never going to finish my Kirk/Spock novel anyway. / / Woman1: OK, Ian. There's a loaded Glock 19 in my upper desk drawer. The safety's off. / Man: Oh wait, I think I see the solution. / Woman2: Shut up. / Ian: *sigh* Yeah, all right. The needs of the many... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1102 |
| Weenie Roast | That scene is etched in my mind... The last moment my family was together and happy. / I was drinking a soda, my sister was roasting a weenie. Mom was handing Dad a platewith a weenie she had just roasted for him. / / We all remember what happened next a little differently, but I know what *I* saw. / That weenie leaped off the plate and attacked dad. It burrowed straight through his eye socket and pierced his brain, killing him instantly. / Then it screeched and fled into the woods. These woods. They never found that weenie... / / That was exactly twenty years ago tonight. And I can't help thinking about it. Wondering-- / What? / OK fine I suck at scary stories. You try it. Here, take this hot dog I was gonna huck at you. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1103 |
| Tug of War | They're tough / We're wearing 'em down, though / C'mon, pull! Rip their fuckin' arms out! / Jesus, Claire. / Hey settle down back there! You got energy to chat, you got energy to pull harder. / / Errrf. / Really, Claire, it's a game. / No it's a war! It's "tug...of...war." It's not tug of fuckin' sanctions! / Well, it's not "tug of fifteen wine coolers," either. / That's about right. I watched her. Hey, shut up, Claire! / / Seriously. / Do you kiss your mother with that mouth, Claire? / I kiss your mother with this mouth! I've had all your mothers! / Nice. / Okay, I'm just gonna pull like it's the only way to yank that image out of my mind. / Hurry. She's gonna deliver a street pizza on me any second. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1104 |
| Roller Bladers | Man: It all comes back to Socrates asking, "What is virtue?" I say virtue is self improvement, the realization of one's potential. / Woman: Oh c'mon, you would say that; you're a self-improvement nut. / You should try and come up with a definition of virtue that doesn't play into your personal strengths. / / (beat panel) / / Man: Fine. Virtue is having a large penis. / Woman: Well now you're just repeating Plato. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1105 |
| Straw House | Father: You know, son... the entire island contributed to send you to university. / Son: I know. / Father: For every page in your textbook, someone caught a fish. For every class you will take, a grove of palms was harvested. / Son: I know, father. / / Father: So I have to ask you, for everyone's sake, including my own... / / Father: SPORTS MEDICINE? Come on, it's such a fake major. / Son: Dude, it SO is not. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1106 |
| Sled Dogs | Husky1: This pack is weird, isn't it? The alpha only has two legs... a cripple. We drag him out hunting every day, but we never kill anything. / Husky2: Yeah but he provides. When we get done, he just goes in the house and he brings us kibble! He's got food, and he shares it. Every time! That's a good alpha. / / Husky1: Yeah but why does he keep sharing when we never kill anything for him? / Husky2: Who cares? As long as that paycheck comes in every time, I don't care if we never contribute a thing. / / Husky1: Hm, I guess. But I'd still like to kill a Kibble myself someday. / Husky2: Oh I'd rip its throat out. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1107 |
| Penguin Mom | MamaPenguin: Good Christ, you're ugly. / BabyPenguin: I know. I can't help it. / / MamaPenguin: But why? Babies are supposed to be cute. Every other mother on the planet gets an adorable bundle of joy. Penguin babies look like a pancreas with five o'clock shadow. / BabyPenguin: Nature has a reason for everything, mother. / / MamaPenguin: You make me want to throw up, you know that? / BabyPenguin: Please do. I'm very hungry. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1108 |