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| Water Balloon Fight | Girl1: That one we dropped from the roof really got Cody good. Can you see him? / Girl2: Yeah. I think he's dead. / Girl1: He's not dead. He's faking. He's done this before. / / Girl1: He just wants us to go up to him so he can scream and scare us. / Girl2: Oh. He's good. / / Girl2: How do you think he fakes the flies crawling on his eyes? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1109 |
| Castle | Cedrick: Sire, the people adore you. / King: Nonsense, Cedrick. They revile me for the miserable tyrant I am. Why must you always tell me what you think I want to hear? Tell me an unpleasant truth for once! / Cedrick: Very well, sire. / Er... do you recall, long ago, having your bowmen shoot down a peasant who did not salute your carriage? / / King: Yes, I think so. / Cedrick: Well, it seems that his adopted son, who is in reality a prince, has carried vengeance in his heart for 20 years. This prince has infiltrated your staff of servants and worked his way into a position of trust. / Along the way, he fell in love with your beautiful daughter. For years he has planned to run away with her after killing you on the 20th anniversary of his father's death. That would be tonight, highness. / / King: Good Lord, Cedrick! / Cedrick: Relax, I had him killed. But do you see what I buffer you from? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1110 |
| Sick Boy | The neighborhood's been a lot of fun since you been sick, Alex. / Brad got a horse. And Jim got two go-karts. We been racin' em. / Really? No way! / / Yep. And Paul got a merry-go-round in his front yard. Judy went to Epcot and Space Camp. And I met Shaquille O'Neal! / You're lyin'. / / Yeah. / I am lyin' / But you could do any of that stuff if-- / I told you, it's the flu! I'm not make-a-wish sick. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1113 |
| Sunset Couple | Man: Hey, how about that sunset? / / Woman: E. It's too derivative of Monday's. Same essential shades and overtones, but without the subtlety of sea-and-cloud interplay. / / / / Woman: You know I'm joking, right? / / Man: It bothers me a lot that I didn't. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1114 |
| Demon Explains | Demons don't just go out into the world and torment people. We're specialists. / Personally, I specialize in minor, petty annoyances that are so gross you can't even talk about them. / / My influence is minor, so I try and visit every mortal at least once a day. / / Next time you drop a turd and it splashes like an orca in Puget Sound, say hi. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1115 |
| Diner Waitress | Bert: Carol here is the model of the unflappable diner waitress. Ever since I discovered this, I've been doing little things to try and freak her out. / Carol: Uh huh. 7... 8... 9... / Bert: Today, I'm narrating my breakfast to an unseen audience. / / Carol: ...10...15...Oh, this one's Bahamian, that's easy. / Bert: I've also paid for my meal in a variety of foreign currencies. / I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she has all of the exchange rates memorized. / / Carol: Nope, can't faze me, Bert. But thanks for the ten-euro tip. / Bert: Of course, all this is just a plea for attention, because I'm passionately in love with her. I'd like to run away with her. I'd like her to run away with me to my family's castle in Bavaria. / Carol: Sweet, but I'll pass. See ya tomorrow. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1117 |
| Trophy Kiss | Narrator: Arthur's a great guy, but I swear, he believes anything you tell him / I once caught him admiring that joke trophy Kristie gave me one year that says, "World Cunnilingus Champion." / / Narrator: I told him there was a little button on it, and if you touched your tongue to it, it would make gel shoot out the top. / / Arthur: I gunno, I can't hind it! / Narrator: Keep looking, my friend. Persistence pays off. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1118 |
| Raking Leaves | Woman: Jack, do you think we did okay raising the girls? / Jack: Oh, I suppose we did all right, why? / / Woman: Well, they're just so angry. They blame us for everything from their own insecurity to ruining the environment. / For pete's sake, they both pay $250 an hour to complain about their childhoods to a therapist. / Jack: Hey, if they're successful enough to pay that much to make someone listen to them whine, that's great. / I just wish we could get a piece of that racket. We've been doing it for thirty-five years for free. / / Woman: Heh. We have, haven't we? / Jack: Yeah. But they've got us on the environment thing. Between your Aqua-Net and my '75 Bel Air, you and I have single-handedly destroyed the ozone layer. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1119 |
| Potter | You might think that owning a pottery shop's not exactly the choicest career path. / You'd be right, of course. / ...but what if civilization were to end tomorrow? / / In that case, I'd be the one with a useful skill, and you and your MBA or whatever'd be out scrounging for cans of cat food. / / Yep, I could just change the "Visa" and "MasterCard" stickers on the door to say "chickens" and "blow jobs," and it'd be business as usual. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1120 |
| Headline Game | Man1: Okay, headline game. Here you go: "Fake Gun Escapee Killed in Shootout." / Man2: Seems inevitable, in retrospect. / / Man1: Ha. Way too easy. Try: "3-Week-Old Fire under Control in New Mexico." / Man2: Most of the 3-week-olds are expected to recover. / / Man1: Oh that was cold. Okay, how about: "Disney Recalls 40,000 Dolls from 'Toy Story 2' for Possible Choking Hazard." / Man2: It's only fair. I've been telling Disney for years that they can choke on my Woody. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1121 |
| Mountains | These mountains may seem peaceful, but they've always demanded a price in blood from the people who live here. / It started with the settlers, fighting the Indians and having duels amongst themselves. There were skirmishes in the Civil War, and blood feuds in the 1880s and 90s / / The coal companies put down a strike in 1908 that left eleven miners dead. We had revenue agents shooting it out with moonshiners. Had that mine collapse in '48, and the tornadoes in '63 and '77. / / And that is why, ladies and gentlemen of the county council, I oppose an ordinance requiring a helmet when riding an ATV. / For if we pass this statute, the mountains will only take their price some other way http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1122 |
| Cashier | Woman: So. When do you think they'll replace you with one of those automated checkout systems? / Cashier: You know, I get asked that question a lot. / And at some point, someone is going to ask me that, and I will put a bag over their head and suffocate them. / / (beat panel) / / Woman: Well, I guess if it does happen you can always become a comedian. / Cashier: Answer carefully, ma'am... Would you like paper or plastic? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1123 |
| Blimp | Blimp: "Help I'm being held hostage... / / Blimp: ...On This Blimp!!" / / Blimp: In theatres soon / Rated PG-13 / Person1: Don't you kind of feel like an ass when they send us to cover a game in a domed stadium? / Person2: Hey check it out. I think that's a bald eagle. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1127 |
| Mutant | Narrator: Elsewhere in the X-Men universe... / Mutant: You know, there are thousands and thousands of mutants, with all kinds of unusual powers, but only a handful of us got anything really useful. / / Mutant: I mean, I'm a mutant, but my only "power" is that my farts smell like fresh-baked cinnamon buns. / Can't really fight crime with that. / / Mutant: Mostly I hang out in the food court at the mall, eating Taco Bell and watching people try to find the Cinnabon. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1128 |
| Lunch Date | Woman: I shouldn't be telling you this on our second date, but I had a dream about you last night. / Man: Oh yeah? Heheh... / Woman: Yes. Only I'm not sure how to interpret it. / / Woman: You and I were goldfish in an aquarium, and you kept swimming up to me. And even though I really liked you, I kept swimming away. / Man: How come? / Woman: Well, you had one of those really long strands of poop dangling, and it grossed me out. / / Man: Hm. "Really long and dangling," huh? I guess you could interpret that a number of ways. / Woman: Well, yes... / I guess. / If I'd actually had that dream. / Um, okay it was a much-too-subtle ploy to get you to check your nostril. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1129 |
| Swedish Cannon | Captain: Ok, hold the ember there until the lacquer over the silver filligree is completely dry. / Lars: Isn't this cannon a little ...fru fru? / / Captain: Lars, Sweden is a nation of artisans. There's no reason our war machines can't also be objects of art. / Lars: Ah, so we go with our strengths. / / Captain: Exactly. And when the czar invades, it's still quite effective at sending wave after wave of illiterate russian peasants to their senseless deaths. / Lars: Ah. So they go with their strengths http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1130 |
| Waiter with Water | Waiter: Would you like anything else, ma'am? Or should I bring the check? / Woman: Oh I don't know. I was thinking about dessert, but I am on a diet. Do you think I should? / / Waiter: Ma'am, I am a moral man and a student of ethics, and that question puts me in an ethical dilemma. / Woman: It does? / Waiter: Yes ma'am. See, as your waiter, I have a personal interest in encouraging you to order a dessert. But by doing so, I am contributing to the defeat of your personal goal to manage your obesity, and by extension contributing to your will health or even your demise. / / Woman: Yeah, well. Don't let it keep you awake at night, Plato. Just bring me a "Death by Chocolate." / Waiter: Given the truth in labeling of that particular selection, and the fact that I have killed my tip anyway, I now consider my dilemma resolved. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1131 |
| Laying Tile | My friends are jerks / They never stop busting my chops just 'cause I make my living wearing knee pads. I can't believe the filthy things they say. / / *sigh* / / Well, anyway. I better finish laying this tile or I'll be late for work again. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1132 |
| Newspaper Stand | Man1: I bet you hear a lot of weird stuff on the street. / Man2: Everything, my friend. / Like today? A homeless guy told me he was actually an observer from the future. Said he was sent to study human culture in the last days before "that which we call the Internet" comes to life and starts a nuclear war. / I gave him a doughnut. / / Man1: Wow, it's really a different world down here. / Man2: Why, what's the weirdest thing you ever heard around the office? / / Man1: A guy once told me if you roll a joint with a Post-It note, you'll get hallucinations from the glue. / Man2: Eh. not too far off. Trust me; thinkin' like your guy leads directly to thinkin' like my guy. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1133 |
| Science Lab | Woman: You keep staring at it. / Man: So do you. / A fascination for fire is a relic of human evolution. / See, we were animals once, afraid of flames. After it was invented, only a handful of freaks who loved fire survived to produce humanity. / / Woman: Yeah maybe, but what about moths? Moths that have "a fascination for fire" all die. / Man: Yes, but after they breed. No evolutionary pressure there. / / Woman: Ha! Answers for everything. Why do you waste so much time thinking about this stuff? / Man: Because when the next big discovery is made, only a handful of freaks who loved science class will survive. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1134 |
| Travel Brochure | Man: Here's a nice package to Vancouver Island. It's only $950 Canadian. / Woman: That's good. That's only like $600 American. / / Man: Sounds nice... listen, "Vancouver Island is mainly unspoiled wilderness, even though it is the largest island on the west coast of North America. At 451 kilometers long, it is almost twice the size of Hawaii." What's that in miles? / Woman: Like 280. / / Man: "But despite its size, the island's population is only 325,000." How many Americans is that? / Woman: Mmm... about 200,000. Let's book it. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1135 |
| Dog House | Have you ever been watching cable? And some movie comes on And you don't remember the name of it? But it's a romantic comedy? And it's got Billy Crystal in it? And he's rattling off some banter that's supposed to be charming and witty? And it might even have been, if it weren't so obviously scripted? But he can't act? So you realize you're just seeing him do bad monologue? / / (beat panel) / / They will never understand what kinds of things make me pee on the furniture. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1136 |
| Alien City | It is Founder's Day. Let us rejoice and celebrate the vision of Trader Galwaith Fortenbras Harkenford IV. / / Others called him insane. They looked upon this world and saw only a tiny, lifeless, scorched planetoid. "Its axial spin is too great!" they said. "Its days are 45 seconds long, and you can only land a ship at the poles!" / But Trader Galwaith saw opportunity!! / / Which is why, as governor of Gyrus II and steward of Galwaith's dream, I declare half-price buffets, planetwide! / And may our fair world always reign as the rotating restaraunt capital of the galaxy. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1137 |
| Polo Instructions | Player: Hey, instructor? Why do you keep saying polo is the "sport of kings?" I thought thoroughbred racing was the sport of kings. / Instructor: It does make that claim, yes. As do others: archery, sailing, falconry, fox hunting... even golf. / However, the average polo player in the U.S. has an annual income nearing $200K and a net worth of seven figures. So I defy you to name a sport of the elite with a higher cost of participation / / (beat panel) / / Player: War? / Instructor: Metaphors don't count! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1138 |
| Writing a Check | Cashier: Ma'am, are you okay? / Woman: Yeah. I just forgot my name. / / Cashier: You forgot... well, uh... isn't it written on your checks? / Woman: That's cheating. Sh. / / Cashier: Did you, um... did you just get married? / Woman: No. hit with a cantaloupe. But I'm okay. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1139 |
| Camels | Camel1: I can't believe that two-legged bastard hit me with a prod. / Camel2: Heh. Hold tight to that anger and resentment, kid. It's what makes you a camel. / Camel1: How so? / / Camel2: Well they can domesticate us, but we don't have to like it. They broke the dogs, the horses, the cattle, the sheep... but in 10,000 years they've never managed to breed a camel that was even-tempered, nice to smell, or comfortable to ride. / Camel1: Oh, I get it. / / Camel1: So as long as they're around, we make it our business to be the most obnoxious, unpleasant animal on Earth. / Camel2: Well, as long as they're around, we'll be a distant second. But yeah, that's the idea. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1140 |
| Indians Marching | One Bull: Why are the whites so intent on conquest? Why can't they settle in one place? / Indian: They always were an aggressive people, One Bull. But now they cannot help it. Colonialism has made them frantic. / / One Bull: Mad for wealth and power, you mean? / Indian: No. Think about it. / Tea. Tobacco. Chocolate. Coffee. Cocaine. Every land they conquer brings them a new stimulant. / / One Bull: So they've become-- / Indian: The most violent and jittery people on Earth. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1141 |
| Bees | DDR: Make to the script, flip back to the script / Come down, check...reach finesse... / Nevertheless I'm impressed with the best. / Bee1: Aw yeah / Bee2: Nice turn, B-Boi. / Bee3: B-Boi gonna triple-A. / Bee4: Guys... / / DDR: Get to the fever I'm kickin't the flow, / Coz you know, Bobby-Jo when I come around / I get down to the hip town sound. / Bee1: Is this his last catas? / Bee2: Nah he at least double-A'd all the nine-footers. / Bee3: Here come the boost. / Bee4: Guys does this have anything to do with finding flowers? / / DDR: Get right down, legit / Two, one, two, three, four... / C'mon y'all an get on the floor! / Bee1: Don't bust his groove, n00b. / Bee2: He's goin toward the full combo. / Bee4: Yeah. see, I told you we'd never get any work done if we put in "Dance Dance Revolution." / Bee3: Shup. DDR 0WNZ. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1142 |
| Building Birdhouse | Albert: Well, I'm sorry I accidentally killed your mama, little magical talking birdies. But I hope this new house I built you can make up for it. / Bird1: *sigh* / Bird2: OK, one more time. / Bird3: We're not "magical talking birdies." We're a symptom of your psychosis. / / Bird1: You've been borderline psychotic for years, Albert. Killing a bird triggered your abandonment issues and caused a serious breakdown. / Bird3: You need to get some help, soon! / Albert: Well, I suppose. / / Albert: But, I'm such a normal guy. Who'd ever believe I'm crazy? / Bird1: Actually, most mental health facilities will admit you automatically if you say "the baby birds told me to come see you." / Bird3: Ooh! Carry the claw hammer! / Bird2: Yeah, that's a deal-sealer. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1143 |
| Boxers | Boxer: Only one man is gonna walk out of this ring, J.P., that's me. You have my word as an honorable man. / J.P.: Well, you do realize there are three men in this ring, don't you? / / Boxer: Uhh... / J.P.: If you want to stay true to your word now, you'll have to take down the ref, too. / I'd hit him first, while he ain't expecting it. / Boxer: Well... / / J.P.: You're an honorable man, aren't you? / Boxer: Yes! / J.P.: Well, okay then. / Referee: Now hold on... / J.P.: Some of us fought our way out of the Bowery, and some of us just learned to talk fast. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1144 |