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| Dome House | 1: Why do you insist on being discontent, even in this utopian age of wealth and empowerment? / 2: Ah, but the nature of utopia is elusive. As you solve more problems, as you add more power and resources and efficiencies, what was "rich" becomes "average" and then "poor." / / 2: ...so really, perfect will always be "perfect except" / 1: But-- / 2: Also, to many, the thing wich defines wealth is not status... not what you control, but whom. There is no wealth except as expressed in the power to manipulate the behavior of others. / / 2: ...hence, even in Utopia, there always be an underclass. That's us. / 1: Okay. But don't you feel lucky and empowered anyway? I mean, in any other era, a blender and a toaster couldn't even have this conversation. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1145 |
| Sheriff | Let me tell you something. I've been investigating murder scenes for 25 years. There is nothing I haven't seen. I am no longer capable of being fooled. / I'll give you a for instance. Back in 1988, I arrested a professional magician who had literally sawed his assistant in half, on stage, in front of hundreds of people. / / She was autopsied and cremated. The case went to trial. / 10 weeks later, as the jur was about to deliver a guilty verdict, one of the jurors stood up and revealed herself to be the assistant. The defended then screamed, "Ta Daaaaa!" / / Now. Is there anything you'd like to tell me about your "dead" wife here, Mr. The Magnificent? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1146 |
| Beetles Fighting | Beetle1: Have at thee! / Beetle2: Engarde! / Beetle1: Your bug fu is poor. You should go back there and practice. / Beetle2: You will not happy ending!! / / Beetle1: Okay stop. You win. You're crackin' me up. How do you do that thing where your mouthparts don't synch to your words? / Beetle2: It doesn't matter. The important thing is that we impressed the females. / Beetle1: Dude, they got bored and left ten minutes ago. / / Beetle2: Crap. / So yet again, we're "stag bettles." / Beetle1: You are once more wrongly, grasshopper! I threat you! / Beetle2: I consent. We must fight a duet, extreme in power! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1147 |
| At the Dockside | Father: Your mother and I will be in Europe for quite a long time, Katie. You have the run of the estate, but you know our one rule. / Katie: No adventures. / Mother: Precisely. / / Father: We don't want to return to find you've switched places with your impoverished double, or you've found some magical realm by entering a wardrobe or a toll booth or a rabbit hole or the like. / Mother: And no dancing with nutcrackers and bears when Christmas comes. / Katie: *sigh* All right. / / / Katie: But... what if I were to, say, rescue a crippled foal from euthanasia, and nurse it back to health? So that eventually it became a great champion? / Mother: Charles? / Father: Well, I suppose. But keep it within the realm of the possible. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1148 |
| Butterfly | Man, it's good to be out of that chrysalis. I had the wierdest dream... I was some Chinese philosopher. / Heh. I guess now I'll never be sure I'm not a philosopher dreaming I'm a butterfly. / / (beat panel) / / Damn. / This is worse than having a Styx song stuck in your head. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1149 |
| On Holiday | Man: Do you see that man in the rattan chair down there? / Wife: What, the German fellow from the room next to ours? / Man: Yes. He's a colonel in the Luftwaffe. If England and Germany go to war, as now seems inevitable, then in a few months' time it will be my sworn duty to try to kill that man. / / Man: Yet, if I were to go down there now and cut his throat, I'd be a murderer. / Wife: Henry! / Man: Well that's just it, I could never. I even bid him a good day. I can't even bring myself to be rude to him. Bugger. / Wife: Well... surely there's some mischief we could do to him. / / Man: All right... How do you feel about keeping him awake all night with the sounds of robust lovemaking? / Wife: I shall never have been prouder to lie back and think of England. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1150 |
| Walking With Grampa | Child: Grampa, did they have cars in your day? / Grampa: Are you kiddin'? Of course we had cars. Great cars. Big rolling death-traps the size of a dairy queen. / / Child: Really? / Grampa: Well I think so. I can't exactly remember "my day." I must've had one at some point. / I'll tell ya, if I did have a day, those big nasty cars were easier to find in it. / / Child: We parked on the other side of the mall. / Grampa: Then this is not my day. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1151 |
| Students on the Steps | Geek 1: Marcus, you are the man! Way to lose your geek reputation in one day! / Marcus: What do you mean? / Geek 2: We heard you got in a bar fight. / Marcus: Oh that. Yeah some jockboy at Bruno's was going off about how "Armageddon" was his favorite movie. And I told him Armageddon is a total piece of crap. / / Marcus: I was quoting him the exact qeuation which makes what they did in that movie impossible, and he just took a big swing at me. / Geek 1: Heh. / Geek 2: What happened? / Marcus: Well, physics got me into it, so physics had to get me out. I grabbed his arm and flung him into a bannister. Used his mass and momentum against him. / / Geek 1: Pfff. Okay, you're still a geek. / Marcus: What. / Geek 2: Dude, you got in a bar fight over a physics equation. / Marcus: Orbital mechanics! and I kicked his azimuth. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1152 |
| Wizard and Dragon | Wizard: Why did you return with nothing? I sent you out in search of great treasure. / Dragon: But I did find great treasure, master. I found love. / / Wizard: Love. / Dragon: The greatest treasure of all. Plus many others. / I found music. And I found laughter. And I found hope. And harmony with all living beings. / / Wizard: Did you find a small green plant with seven thin, spiky leaves? / Dragon: Yes. Shortly before I found out how many rats I can eat in one sitting. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1153 |
| 50s Mother | Narrator: In many ways, my mother was quite socially progressive for the 1950s. When I asked her about sex, she gave me the facts without flinching. / Girl: That's disgusting, mother. / Mother: It's not as bad as all that. / / Girl: So, if you want to have another baby, you've got to allow father to do this to you again? / / Narrator: In other ways, she was very much a woman of her times. / Mother: Yes. Or if I want a new refrigerator or a television set. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1156 |
| Canoeing | What do you think of the great outdoors, kids? / It's big! / Of course. All the space there is is outdoors. Every place you can go is out there. / What abour other planets? / Well, we can't go to other planets yet. / / / / http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1211 |
| City Sign | Hm, the aquarium? / Nah, we did an aquarium last year. / Planetarium? / Too easy. It's dark and everyone's looking up. / Oh! How about this sign? / / / / http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1212 |
| League of Evil | FIRST VOICE (OP): Okay, let's kick off this "League of Evil" meeting with roll call. Acidic Man? / / ACIDIC MAN (OP): Here. / / FIRST VOICE (OP): The Adjudicator? / / FIRST THE ADJUDICATOR (OP): Here. / / FIRST VOICE, OFF-PANEL (OP): The Aeronaut? / / THE AERONAUT (OP): Here. / / FIRST VOICE (OP): Amway Lady? / / AMWAY LADY (OP): Here. / / FIRST VOICE (OP): Black Bullet? / / BLACK BULLET (OP): Here. / / FIRST VOICE (OP): Black Rhino? / / BLACK RHINO (OP): Here. / / FIRST VOICE (OP): Black Viper? / / FIRST VOICE (OP): Black Widow? / / FIRST VOICE (OP): ...Black Widow? / / FIRST VOICE (OP): Is Black Widow here? Anyone know? / / SECOND VOICE (OP): She's one with the night. / / FIRST VOICE (OP): What? / / SECOND VOICE (OP): Yeah, I think she's "one with the night." / / FIRST VOICE, OFF-PANEL: Does that mean she's here? Or not? / / BLACK WIDOW: Here! / / FIRST VOICE (OP): Okay if we can all give our idioms a rest, this will go a lot faster. / / FIRST VOICE (OP): Black Zombie? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1213 |
| Buffet | Man: So how do you know the bride? / Woman: We were sorority sisters. Can you believe this buffet? It's incredible! / Henri: Thank you, mademoiselle. / / Man: Yeah, it's great. So, anyway.... / Woman: Oh my god, is that creme brulee? And what kind of berries are those? / Henri: Peruvian blueberries. Very sweet, very succulent. They are only in season for one week out of each year. / / Man: Right. So, uh...what are you doing after the reception? / Woman: Unless you're gonna claim you can cook a spread like this, then I'm making some time with Pierre here. / Henri: It's Henri, actually. And perhaps I can show you how I tied up that turkey. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1215 |
| Business Presentation | As you can see from all of the employees wearing brown ribbons, donations are up this year. / The bake sale was popular; we sold over 200 brownies. / / More employees than ever took advantage of the free examinations in the mobile endoscopy van. / In short, H.R. would like to report that March was the most successful "Colo-Rectal Cancer Awareness Month" in our corporate history. / / Does anyone remeber when we used to be in business to sell things? / We can bring back the Colonmobile, Benjamin. / I'll be good. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1216 |
| Virtual Reality | Dude in helmet: Wow, this is great! Virtual reality has really come along! / Friend: Mm hm. And the possibilities are limitless. For example, psychologists are using V.R. to cure acrophobia. / / DIH: Really? / Friend: Sure. In a safe, controlled environment, patients can be repeatedly be exposed to increasing heights, eventually desensitizing them to their feelings of aversion. / DIH: Wow. / / DIH: So...the fact that most V.R. apps involve shooting people has no effect on desensitizing... / Friend: None whatsoever. / DIH: I see. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1217 |
| Rickshaw | Lady: They say there's a revolution brewing. / Rickshaw Puller: I wouldn't know, m'lady. / Lady: They say that your class will overthrow mine. Can you imagine? / Rickshaw Puller: Anything's possible, m'lady. / / Lady: Well let me ask you this: why is it that if the revolutionaries claim to want to help the people, all they actually do is attack and destroy everything? / Rickshaw Puller: M'lady... / If this rickshaw were destroyed and we were both forced to walk, whose situation would improve? / / Lady: I'll, um... / I'll go back to admiring your ass now. / Rickshaw Puller: And I'll go back to hoping my big mouth doesn't get it shot. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1235 |
| Washington Montage | Statue: This is a nice montage, isn't it? / It's the kind of symbol set people keep in their heads to represent the idea of "The City Of Washington, DC." / Unless you live here. / / Statue: If you live here, your montage is more like: an orange barrel, a homeless guy with a cardboard sign, the back end of somebody's black Mercedes SUV, and a tractor-trailer overturned on the beltway, carrying...oh, let's say mayonnaise. / / Statue: Go ahead and sketch all of that out. Then pop the sketch into a bamboo steamer for ten minutes to get the full effect. / This year's bonus? A swarm of blood-eyed bugs! Wheee! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1238 |
| Teddy Bear Lady | Jeanne, when your bears talk to you, do they ever tell you to do anything wrong, or maybe even violent? / Heavens no, Doctor! / No, all of my bears are nice people. / What about Bumble Bear? / / Oh, there was one: Bumble Bear. He kept telling me to kill the Collingsworths. That's the family next door. / Sad case. / What did you do? / / I didn't do anything. The other bears took care of it. / I found Bumble Bear's remains in the food processor. / He was warned. / He learned nothing that night we beat him with socks full of bar soap. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1243 |
| The Mayor | The latest polls, your honor. You're now trailing Barnaby. / By God, can't they see through his man-of-the-people-act? / He's as rich as I am! Those blue denim shirts of his are tailor made! / / People are suffering. They want someone to connect to. / Yes so they'll even buy the myth of the millionaire populist. / Well, we can sell them that. Have my speechwriters start adding 20 percent more warmth. / / You don't want to give the people anything more concretethan that? / Mayor? / Oh very well. Get me a dog, too. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1260 |
| Dining Outdoors | narrator: Meanwhile, the Joker's trained-squirrel attacks continue to wreak terror. / Man: This just doesn't seem like the Joker's style. / Woman: Well, the Gotham Globe said they only attack at the most ironic possible moment. / / Man: I don't get it. / What would constitute an "ironic" moment for a squirrel attack? / / Man: Oh. / Right. / I can't believe I just said that. / Woman: Run. / Squirrel (out of frame): Screeeee..... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1265 |
| Woman Driving Man | Man: That was incredible. You did everything right back there. / Woman: I know. / Man: The kid, the dog, the bread truck, the fruit strand, the oncoming train... You missed them all. / / Man: I'm sure I would have gotten us killed. You're amazing. / Woman: Thank you. / Man: But... why didn't you go back and see if everyone was okay? / / Woman: Because I peed this seat so hard I ripped something. And I need to cry until tomorrow. / Man: Oh. / Good, me too. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1267 |
| Woman at Filing Cabinet | Woman: Mr. Bowlind? Is this whole company just a tax shelter? / Mr. Bowlind: What makes you say that? / Woman: We seem to buy only patents on products the government has banned. / / Woman: Candy cigarettes, silicone breast implants, intrauterine devices, lead-based paint... this one's for an asbestos toothpaste. It's all just a big write-off, right? / Mr. Bowlind: In the short term, perhaps. But think of the future. Things could change. These products may not be prohibited forever. / / Woman: Huh? Oh yeah. I guess this drawer will be worth a fortune if they cure cancer and a few other diseases. / Mr. Bowlind: Or the Libertarians rise to power. Either way. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1270 |
| Dinner Date | Woman: The reason I feel so comfortable around you is that we knew each other in a previous live. / Man: Did we? / Woman: Yes. you were an officer in Napoleon's air force. / Man: His...? / Woman: And I was a beautiful American spy. We had a torrid romance. / / Man: I...see. / Well, that certainly explains the mutual attraction. / Woman: So I think I already know what kind of a man you really are. / Man: And what kind of a man am I? / / Woman: The kind who'll agree with any dumb-ass thing his date says, as long as the prospect of getting laid is still looming. / Man: Now that's not fair; I had a lot of integrity once. / Getting shot down at Waterloo changes a man. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1292 |
| Human Sacrifice | Priest: I know you're not happy, but the priesthood goes out of its way to make things easier on the sacrifices. / Victim: Yeah, right. Like how? / Priest: Well like, we count to three? But we hit you on two, so you don't see it coming. / / Victim: I can't believe you just told me that. / Priest: Whoops, sorry. / Tell you what. I'll do two and hit you on one. / Victim: Hey! / / Priest: Damn, sorry again. Look, to tell the truth, this is my first ever sacrifice. / Victim: Yeah mine too. Can I see your manager? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1299 |
| Helicopter | Reporter: ...So in short, traffic is a complete mess this morning, at every location, in every direction. Again. / But you know what? I don't care. / / Reporter: That trip that's taking you ninety minutes? I can do it in ninety seconds in chopper 8. / You all look like tiny ants from up here. Ihave about taht much pity for you, too. / / Reporter: So that's traffic, you pathetic little ground-squirming insects. / Give me a sec to unzip my fly and I'll give you the weather. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1300 |
| Crash Survivor | Kenneth: Okay I don't think it's too early to start a preliminary appraisal of the impact of this new wrinkle on our existing project calendar. / Obviously the Miami meeting is pushed back now. And the loss of Catharine and Kevin is going to make the March deliverable... / Well, I don't want to say "iffy." Let's just say it'll be tight. / So what other variables are we looking at, in terms of actually meeting our client fulfillment dates at this point? / / Other survivor: Well, I don't mean to waffle, Kenneth, but that's kind of elastic right now, given the unknown of which, if either of us, is going to survive. / Kenneth: Hey, surviving the crash was the tough part. Positive thinking. / They'll have rescue people out here before we know it, right? / / Other survivor: Right. But in the meantime I'm about to try and push your head under the water. / Kenneth: Bring it. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1301 |
| Western Couple | Man: I was thinkin'. For Valentine's Day? Maybe we could go to Las Vegas and get married. Whadya think? / Woman: Not til you propose to me the right way. The romantic way. / / Man: Vegas isn't romantic? / We could do the "Star Trek Experience." I'll fight a Klingon for your honor. / Woman: I don't even know what a "Klingon" is. / / Man: Okay, a trucker. / Woman: Jack, a woman just can't believe her man is serious about gettin' married, unless she sees it up on the stadium scoreboard. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1302 |
| Truck at Sunset | Passanger: Hey, you have audio books? / Trucker: Some. I just picked up Spiderman II if you wanna listen. / / Passenger: You're saying you have the spoken-word version... / of the novelization... / of a sequel... / to a movie... / based on a comic book? / Trucker: That's exactly correct. / / Passenger: This is an achievement in literacy which easily ranks you in the upper half of all primates. / Trucker: Would you believe I've been called a snob? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1303 |
| Sea Birds | Penguin 1: Wassup, terns. / Tern 1: Hey, perverts. / Penguin 2: Perverts? / Penguin 1: Because we don't fly. / Tern 1: Because you swim. / Tern 2: 9,000 bird species on Earth, and only penguins choose to swim. You're perversions. It's sick. You're going against nature! / / Penguin 1: Um, yeah... / Look, you're, uh, here because you're resting, right? You're tired. Probably hungry too? / Tern 1: So? / Penguin 1: So, my friend and I are here because we are too full of sardines to move. / / Penguin 2: Yeah, 'bout how many fish do you usually catch up there in the sky, flappy? / Tern 1: Shut up. / Penguin 1: Well, there are flying fish... / Penguin 2: Really? There are pervert fish?! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1304 |