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College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives [[Marsha points off to the right. Mike is saluting her.]] / Marsha: April's got a secret and I GOT to know it! She told me Dave knows the secret as well... go get it! Fly fly fly! / Mike: Yes, oh curvy captain!!! / [[Chester clings to Dave's chest while he talks to Roger in front of a picture of what appears to be a werecoyote -- possibly Roger's mother?]] / Roger: Uh oh. I feel a disturbance in the space-time continuum. That means Mike's smiling... / Dave: Please tell me you're kidding. / Roger: I'm not. And it's increasing, that means Mike's after one of us. But whom? / [[Mike has placed his hand on Dave's shoulder. Dave hands off Chester to Roger. The werecoyote picture is still in the background.]] / Mike: Hey Dave, my favorite roommate! How are you, buddy? / Roger: I guess it sucks to be you. / Dave: Here. Take care of Chester while I'm dead. / Roger: Is it fixed? I don't know if I have the money for the vet...
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College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives [[Dave takes a threatening stance toward Mike. Mike looks innocent, but has a chain behind his back.]] / Dave: Stay away from me, Mike! Or I'm gonna make you read Margaret's shirt! / Mike: Which one? The "DIE!" one, or the wet, tight "YUMMY" one? / Dave: The... eh... / [[Dave turns away from Mike. Mike produces the chain, resting a hand on Dave's shoulder from behind.]] / Dave: W-wet? Tight? Margaret... uh... / Mike: VERY wet and VERY tight, yeah. / Dave: VERY... uuuh... / [[Mike has wrapped Dave up in chains and is twirling a key around his finger.]] / Dave: Very... and YUMMY... (???!!!) HEY! What the...? / Mike: Ten minute brain warp! I'm sure we broke a record somewhere...
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College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives [[Dave's been chained to a chair by Mike]] / Dave: Oh, very smart. Bad news, I'm gonna use my laser vision to cut this chain... / Mike: REALLY. What if your laser, instead of cutting it, just MELTS it ? Boy, that's gonna hurt... / Dave: Erm... / Dave: Dammit! Let's see if YOU melt! / [[Dave's trying to laser Mike]] / Dave: Stand still, you... !!! / Mike: We can play "Dodge the laser" all day if you want, too. / Dave: GRRRR... okay, you and my sore neck win this one.
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College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives Dave: Just what the hell do you want, Mike ? And was all this really necessary ? / Mike: The chain ? Well, I suppose I could have easily wrestled you down, but Marsha specified she didn't want any violence... pity... / Dave: Marsha ? What does she have to do with this ? / Mike: She says April told you a secret, and she wants to know it as well. / Dave: I can't tell you that. She made me promise... / Mike: I expected that. So, what's it gonna be ? The "Titanic" theme song ? Nah, I already used that one... hey, I know! Whitney Houston ! "The Bodyguard" theme song... / Dave: WHAT ??? Man, you CAN'T be serious !!! / [[Mike's torturing Dave with a song]] / Mike: And AAAAAEEEEAAAAI WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOUOUUU... / Roger: Yip! Yip! AROOOOOOO! / Dave: [[thought]] Oh God kill me please kill me...
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College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives Roger: Mike! Stop! Chester just FAINTED! What is this, some kind of torture? / Mike: Actually it is! I'm just trying to get some info from Dave... / Roger: Couldn't you just blackmail him like a normal person? / <<*twitch*>> / Dave: Nngghn... / Mike: You know? I think you're right! His brain must be pretty much fried by now... I just thought of something that'll make it a while lot easier... Here, release him. / [[Mike hand the chain's key to Roger]] / Roger: What was that info he was trying to get from you, anyway? / Dave: Dave, I don't remember anymore... / Roger: Dave, I'm not Dave. YOU are Dave. / Dave: Sure, Dave, whatever that means...
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[[Boys' Apartment]] / Dave: No, he never gives up that easily. Yeah, I know he's up to something... but no more jedi mind tricks! If he even gets close to me I'm zapping him. Period. / Chester: Meow. / Chester: MROWWW!!! / Dave: OW! You again??? What the hell was that?? / Mike: Deadly poison! Tell me the secret or you die in fifteen minutes! / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Dave: You bastard! How could you? This is the last thing I'm taking from you... good bye! / Mike: Sure, blast away. After all, I'm the only one who can give you the antidote. / Dave: I don't care! I'm taking you with me! And... / Dave: ...and... / Mike: And? / Mike: You know? Getting so angry can't be good for your health. Specially when it makes the poison spread through your bloodstream faster. Ten minutes. / Dave: BONK! / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Dave: Hi Marsha... Mike poisoned me and I can't move... / Marsha: Mike! I sent you to ask him nicely, not to MURDER him! / Mike: Aw, I didn't poison him! I just injected him with truth serum, that's all! / Marsha: Oh, so you drugged him instead of poisoning him. How nice! Eh? / Mike: Well, did you want the truth or not? / Marsha: I'm sorry, Dave. I had no idea Mike was going to do something like this... but since the damage is done, I have to ask... what is that April told you? / Dave: She told me... that Diana is a prostitute... and Roger doesn't know... / Marsha: WHAT? Oh geez! / Mike: Wow. So that's why she ran from me... / Marsha: She ran away from you? When? / Dave: Some time ago, when Diana was hitting on Mike... / Marsha: Hitting... on... Mike??? Hitting... on... Mike? / Dave: ...we thought she was - OOMPH! / Mike: Eheh-heh-heh... look, he's already babbling nonsense! / Marsha: MGGRRR.... / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Dave: Just great... I'm starting to hallucinate with little aliens now... / Chester: Meow? / Dave: Chester, I can't feed you now... don't you see I'm down? Go look for something to pick me up... / Dave: Ugh... what did I just say? I feel so incoherent... I hope the effect of the drug goes away soon, before I get into any more trouble... / Margaret: Hey Dave, looks like your cat is hungry... mh, what are you doing down there? / Dave: Hi... beautiful! I love you... gimme a kiss... / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Margaret: Are you stoned or something, Dave? / Dave: Way too stoned... Mike injected me with... truth serum... / Margaret: Really, Dave. If I was you, I'd have either kicked his ass good or moved out a long time ago. / Dave: Can't move out... gotta stay close to you... / Margaret: Why? / Dave: Because I love you... / Margaret: And WHY do you love me, Dave? Since you're telling the truth, I'd really like to know. / Dave: I dunno... I guess you have me... trapped somehow... I don't know why. I mean you're so violent, rude, scary... / Margaret: Rude. Scary. / Dave: Yeah. And psycho. And neurotic. And... / Dave: And how could I forget about... the kicking and punching thing... / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
 
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Dave: Take a really hot shower to brush off any remaining effects of drug: check. / Dave: Feed my poor starving cat: check. / Dave: Finally snap and kill mike for ruining my life yet again... / Knuckles: *crack* / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Dave: YOU! The dead man walking! Freeze! / Dave: I'm gonna kill you now, Mike, and I want you to know why... you can punch me, you can kick me, you can beat me into the ground, but if you make Margaret mad at me, you're DEAAAADDD. / Dave: And you're so freakin' abnormal you're not even worried about your own death... / Mike: Sorry, I can't hear a word you're saying. Marsha slapped me so hard my ears are still ringing. / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Mike: Great. First Marsha slaps me and dumps me and then you want to kill me... / Dave: Well, Margaret punched ME hard in the stomach, so pity is not gonna save you. / Mike: Pity? I meant exactly what I said... "Great". / Mike: See, the situation just can't be more PERFECT. We're bummed, we're angry, we have nothing to lose. If you win, you put me out of my sorry state, and so I win. A fight to the Death is the best thing that can happen to me now. / Mike: My brother in misery, I thank you. Let the fight begin. See you on the other side... / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Dave: All right, Michael... how'd you like your nose? Medium or rare? / Mike: Whatever rocks your yacht, David! Just remember to strike me hard the first time, as I don't think you're gonna get a second chance... / Roger: Hold it, HOLD IT! What do you guys think you're doing? Remember the Rule? No superpowers in fights between us! / Dave: Ba-psssch! I'm about to kill the most evil person on Earth! I don't have to follow any rules! / Roger: No! Too many bones broken, too many innocent bystanders! No superpowers! / Mike: Unfair! Unfair! Without his laser vision he's already DEAD! / Dave: WHAT???? Listen, tentacle freak! I'm not afraid of you, and I don't need my laser vision to make you BITE THE DUST! / Mike: And I can use your head as a mop with one arm tied behind my back! In fact, as I can't use my tentacle, that's exactly what I'm gonna do! / Roger: Enough words! I want to see a good bloody fight.. let's get it on! / Dave: Yeah, let's! / Roger: Heeheeheee... "Let's get it on" I've always wanted to say that without actually getting it on... / Sounds: CRASH! OOF! YOW! / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Outside]] / April: Soooo, Diana. How's it going? The thing with Roger... / Diana: What do you mean? / April: You know. Is he a good boyfriend? You know, like... / Diana: AAAAAH! Oh yeah, I follow you now! Well, I can't complain, really... he's a sex machine! *giggle* / April: Yeeek! No, that's not what I was asking... / Diana: Aw, c'mon. It's not like I'm giving you any details! / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
 
[[Hall]] / Diana: I didn't really want to start another relationshiop after all my bad experiences, but Roger is just the sweetest, most lovable guy I've ever met! / Diana: And even his friends are cool, non-prejudiced, fun people! / April: Mmh, well, we're pretty level-headed considering... / Marsha: You... must... die... NOW... you red-headed, no-good WHORE... / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Girls' Apartment]] / Diana: I'm sorry, Marsha... I didn't know he was your boyfriend... / Marsha: Like you would have CARED, you WHORE! After all, you sell your body on the streets! Let me at her, April! / April: Marsha! What the hell's the matter with you? Are you out of your mind??? / Marsha: Sure, run! And don't show your sinful ass around here EVER again! Roger deserves something better than a hooker! / April: Marsha, I can't believe it. You... you just ruined EVERYTHING! / Marsha: Shut up, Miss GoodyTwoShoes! You and your little secrets... if I knew Diana was a whore I'd have never let her go near Mike! / April: You know, Marsha? Kicking your butt hard and high sounds a little more tempting every second... / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Girls' Apartment]] / Sounds: HISS! MROOW! / Margaret: Hey, do you guys know why... um... / Dave: Margaret! Stay back, you might get hurt... OWW! / Marsha: Don't mind him! Grab a chair, make some popcorn... UGH! / Mike: And they say I'm the psychotic, violent one... / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Chester: MRROW!!! / Roger: What are you doing out there, Chester? / Roger: Oh, I get it.I bet Dave put you out so you don't interfere with his death match. / Roger: Well, I can let you in, but I'm afraid you can't... / Roger: ??? / Chester: MRROW!!! / Roger: DIANA!!! Wait! Where are you going? / Car: SCREEECH / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Outside]] / Mike: Honey, calm down... It's NOT your fault... / Marsha: It IS, too! *sob, sniff* / April: It's MY fault... I should have stopped her instead of fighting... / Dave: And Roger was being referee for the fight I started, instead of waiting for her outside... / Margaret: And I saw her running but I thought it was none of my business. / Mike: Uh oh. Here comes Roger... and from the look on his face, I don't think he has very good news. / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
 
[[Outside]] / April: Roger! Is... is Diana okay? / Roger: *sniff* No, she's not, April. I mean, yeah, she was lucky she didn't die there. But she just woke up, and she didn't recognize me. She kinda... saw through me. Like I wasn't even there. / Roger: You know, I always suspected that Diana was too good for me. I guess the guys up there made a terrible mistake by allowing me to be that happy, and decided to fix things up. / Marsha: *sob* / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Outside]] / April: Are you sure you don't want us to stay? / Roger: Naah. Thanks, but you guys are battered enough, too. Go home and get some rest. / Margaret: I'm not battered! I'll stay. / Dave: Mh, well, give us a phone call if you know something, OK? / Marsha: I want to stay, too... / Mike: NO way. You look like you're gonna faint or something. / Marsha: We should have told him. He has the right to know this is all my fault. / April: Oh yeah, I'm sure that what he needs now is to know you called his girl a whore. That'd cheer him up, right? / Dave: By the way, don't we have enought "frequent bandage points" aleady to get a free brain surgery in this hospital? / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Hospital]] / Margaret: This might not be the best moment, Roger... but if I asked you something, would you really tell me the truth? / Roger: Depends on the question. / Margaret: Let's suppose the questoin is... "Would you say I'm a scary, psychotic girl?" / Roger: Mh. Well, if you promised me you wouldn't kill me, beat me up, or hang me by any part of my body, I'd tell you the truth. / Margaret: Oh, I see you're a master in the art of answering without answering. / Roger: Ee-yep. Being Mike's roommate can be really educational. / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Dave: Poor Roger. If something like that happened to Margaret, I'm sure I'd go crazy or something... / Mike: Excuse me. You're already crazy. You were trying to kill me yesterday. / Mike: A very pathetic attempt to kill me, granted, but... / Dave: What the hell do you mean??? I kicked your ass! / Mike: Heh. Have you looked yourself in the mirror? / Dave: What about you? Ah, it's hard to see with a black eye, right? / Mike: Anyway, I have to admit you put up a good fight. I respect that. / Dave: Oh. Mh, I guess I respect the respect, then. / Dave: Oh well. But Margaret still hates me and it's your fault, so I still hate you. / Mike: Guess what. I don't give a damn. / Roger: Well, well. If it isn't the friendliest duo on Earth. / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Dave: Hey Roger, is Diana okay now? / Roger: Do you see me bungee-jumping naked from the Eiffel Tower? No. They told me to go home while they try to figure out what's wrong. / Mike: Man, you look like a carcass rotting in the sun. Here, sit down. / Roger: So I came home to take a shower, then I'm off to class, then I'm off to the hospital again. / Dave: You're bonkers! How long do you expect to go without any sleep at all? / Roger: Sleep? Who cares about sleeping? / Dave: Remember what happened last time I tried to do that? / Dave: You warned me I wasn't gonna last too long, and you were rigth, and... oh hell, forget it. / Mike: Keep it going. Boring guy talking boring stuff, Roger sleeping... it's almost like class. / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
 
[[Girls' Apartment]] / April: Marsha, ain't you gonna get dressed to go to class? / Marsha: No. I'm not leaving this couch. I'm too dangerous. I might kill another person today if I do. / April: It was not your fault, Marsha. / Marsha: I killed her. You said it. / April: She's not dead, and forget what I said. It was an accident. / Marsha: Yeah, lots of accidents. Mike is stabbed, Diana is hit by a car... / Marsha: My cheating ex-boyfriend falls into a tiger pit... / Marsha: And the slut he was kissing gets her face tangled in the coffee machine... and her plastic surgeon... and... / April: Ever noticed how people tend to go absent under a sudden terror? / Margaret: Greetings, female members of the human species. I've come in peace. Now take me to your coffee. / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Roger: Z / Roger: AAAAIEEEE! What time is it??? / Dave: Unless Mike's been smiling again, it's 6:22 p.m. / Roger: WHAT??? Why did you guys let me sleep so much? / Dave: But we DID try to wake you up! We pinched you, we put a wild boar down your pants, we fired a gun, we put a dirty sock under your nose... / Mike: Which was, now that I think about it, a very bad tactical mistake. / Roger: AAAIEE! / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Roger: She's gone. / Dave: Gone??? You mean she's...? / Roger: Nono, I mean, she went home. They said she insisted she was okay, and left. I swear, I don't get it. / Dave: Yeah, um, that's weird... why don't you call her? / Roger: I don't have her phone number. I don't know where she lives, either. / Roger: There's something odd about all this. Why did she cross the street that way? Why was she crying? Why did she leave like that? I don't understand. / Mike: So, who's gonna tell him? You or me? We can't keep him in the dark forever... / Dave: We're staying outta this! I'm not gonna tell him, and you with the subtlety of Godzilla, certainly not! / Roger: Look, guys, I'm not in the mood for nonsense contests right now... / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Mike: Look, if I was him, I'd be grateful if people told me the truth instead of treating me like a kid who can't handle it. / Roger: Tell me what? / Dave: For God's sake Mike, DON'T! You don't have any tact at all! You're gonna blow it! / Mike: Sez who? I'm gonna show you, I can be tactful if I want to. / Roger: Tell me WHAT? WHAT? / Mike: Um, Roger my man, I hate to tell you this... but, your girl's a ho. / Roger: Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, to avoid a bloodbath of epic, maybe even Biblical proportions. / Dave: I KNEW IT! / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
[[Boys' Apartment]] / Roger: Mike, take back that thing you said about Diana, or I swear... / Mike: Look, Roger. I've had enough fights to the death this week. We can fight next saturday. And your girl will still be a ho. / Roger: You want to see me snap, don't you? / Dave: I'm outta here! / Mike: For the first time, no. And it's April who says it's true. / April: I say what? / Roger: YOU??? I can believe anything from these dorks, but you? / April: What? What? / Roger: Don't play innocent! What have you been saying about Diana? / April: Oh, my... uh... / Marsha: WAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm sorry! It was me! I called her a whore and then a car hit her! I'm a murderer! I'm so SORRY!!! / April: I was gonna tell you. Eventually. Someday... / Roger: All right, just WHAT THE HELL'S BEEN GOING ON HERE??? / {{Part of the "5-2=0" storyline}}
 

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