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|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Blue: Mom, what are you doing??? Let him go! / Hazel: Well, he followed you into a dark alley with who knows what intentions... / Dave: I was just trying to apologize, I swear! / Jay: Hey, who asked you? / Hazel: "I was just trying to apologize! And maybe fry your other eye!" / Blue: Hhh... he didn't fry my eye... / Hazel: Lies have a price with me, Blue. / Hazel: I'm taking you to the doctor right now. If you're telling the truth, I let him walk away. If you're lying, he gets shot. / Dave: [[worried]] *gulp* / Blue: What if I tell you the truth and it turns out to be he DID fry my eye? Are you gonna shoot him anyway? / Hazel: No, then he can choose to be shot, or pick what's in the Mystery Box!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Blue: All right, Mom. I'll tell you the truth. He didn't fry my eye, but I... um, have a blind spot. It's shrinking every day, and it almost doesn't bother me now, but it's a bit sensitive to light, and so I covered it. / Hazel: Wow. Impressive! You came up with the perfect explanation so I *can't* shoot him. / Blue: It's the truth. Now, if shooting him will really make you happy, go ahead. But it's still unfair. / Hazel: It is fair. He hurts my baby, he gets to suffer. / Blue: Yeah, but why are you the one who always gets all the fun? You're taking away my revenge from me, Ma. / Hazel: What revenge? You have done nothing since he zapped you. / Blue: And yet he tried to jump out of the window yesterday! Don't you see the BEAUTY of it? / Hazel: OH! Well... that IS true... / Hazel: Very well, then. Here, have the key to the cuffs... Let's go, Jay. / Jay: Ain't we gonna shoot him? He's glowing blue... / Hazel: He can glow blue all he wants, Jay. But if he turns aroung before we leave... / Dave: [[thinking, his eyes glowing blue]] Oh yeah, wouldn't you love it if I did that...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Dave: [[eyes glowing blue]] Blue, get OFF ME! / Blue: [[holding him so he can't turn around]] No, I know what you're thinking. But they won't hesitate... and there's ten more outside. / Dave: I HAVE TO! I'm sick, SICK of people smacking me around! / Blue: Would you feel better if you were on the giving end? Is that it? / Dave: [[calming]] No. Dammit. I'd feel bad anyway, even if I tried to feel good. / Blue: So you WERE trying to apologize. / Dave: Well, yeah. Even if it kills me to admit it. / Blue: [[turning the restraining hold into a hug]] You really suck at being evil. Did you know that, Dave? / Dave: I guess. Hey, are they gone? Can I turn around now? / Blue: Lemme check... Mmmmhh... nope.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave and Blue are in the alley in which Hazel had Dave beaten up. Dave's cheek is cut from the pistol-whipping]] / Dave: Does my face look too bad? / Blue: No. Except for the cut on your cheek. / Dave: Great. Now my mom's gonna think I got into a gang fight or something. / Blue: I could take you to my grandma's and try to make it less ugly. / Dave: No, thanks. Apparently your whole family is standing in line to beat me up. / Blue: She's my dad's mom. That's the other side of the family. / [[At Blue's grandmother's house...]] / Blue: Do you happen to have some rubbing alcohol around for Dave? He ran into a tree, see... / Blue's Grandma: You kids spend too much time running into trees and not enough giving me great-grandchildren! / Dave: I'll uh, wait outside.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[At Marsha's house.]] / Marsha's father: Yes? / Mike: Good afternoon, sir. Nice weather, huh? / Marsha's father: Uh... yeah. / Mike: On such a lovely day I decided to take a stroll, but then I thought that it'd be a waste to do it alone, and so... / Marsha's father: Is there a point to all this? I have something in the oven... / Mike: To make a long story short, sir, my pet anaconda just crawled through your window. / Marsha's father: WHAT???|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[In Marsha's house...]] / Marsha's Mother: Grab your stuff and let's go outside. / Marsha: Uh? Why? / Marsha's Mother: Because there's a snake in the house. Your father and some young man are looking for it. / Marsha: Well, I've been in this house for so long, that now I don't feel like going outside. / Marsha's Mother: As you like it. / Mike: Since you're not leaving, how about helping us look for the snake? It's long and slimy... / Marsha: [[smiling]] Oh! It... sounds like my kind of snake!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Marsha's father: You should be with your mother, Marsha. This could be dangerous. / Marsha: Aaw. I want to help! Besides, you know how I attract animals... / Mike: Yeah, and I'm sure that my snake would like you... / Marsha: You BET. Heheheh... / Mike: Hey, I think I saw something under the bed! / Marsha's father: [[looking under the bed]] Under the bed? Are you sure? I see nothing... oh, wait... / [[Mike and Marsha kiss]] / Mike: Mmhyeah, keep looking... / Marsha's father: It's just a SOCK. We're never gonna find that snake. / Mike: Well, yeah, maybe... oh wait! DUUUH! How silly of me to forget... I know how to bring it out! / Marsha's father: You do? / Mike: Bourbon chicken! That smell always drives it NUTS! Now if only one of us knew how to cook... / Marsha's father: Well, I happen to be a chef. / Mike: Wow, talk about your crazy coincidences!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Marsha: Mike! I never expected to see you here! I missed you... / Mike: Well, I HAD to come and see you... since they won't even let me call you... / Marsha: Oh. About THAT. Eh, I think I should explain myself. It's just that... / Mike: [[Handing her a gift-wrapped package]] Shhh! There's no time for that! I'm too glad to see you to have a fight right now. Here, this is your christmas gift... / Marsha: [[Hugging Mike]] A cell phone! Thank you, Mike! / Mike: Now we can keep in touch. Say, do you have a bag around? We still have to catch that snake... / Marsha: Pfft! Heheheh... / Mike: I mean for REAL. / Marsha: Yeah, I know. HEEEH....|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Mike: [[holding a wriggling sack]] We got it! Thank you, sir! / Marsha's father: Is... is that it? Let me take a look... / Mike: Okay, just be careful or it might eat your face... / [[Mike pokes his tentacle out of the sack; it's colored to look like a snake's head]] / Mike: Isn't it cute? / Marsha: Yes it is! / Marsha's father: Dear God! Get that thing out of my house! / Marsha's father: The only way I like a snake is sliced and fried with beans and tomatoes! / Marsha: It tastes like chicken, too!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave and Blue are at Blue's grandmother's house, tending to Dave's wounds]] / Dave: No offense intended, Blue, but your mother is CRAZY. / Blue: Duuh. The whole hemisphere knows that. Didn't Mike tell you about her? / Dave: Well, yeah, but I thought he was making up those stories! / Blue: Nope. / Dave: Boy, with a mother like that, no wonder he's such a fu...er, bast... an assh... uh shi... / Dave: Eeeeeh... / Dave: [[smiling weakly at Blue]] Amazingly beautiful? / Blue: What did you say people called you? "Smooth Save Dave"?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave and Blue are at Blue's grandmother's house]] / Dave: So this is where you're staying. I was wondering... / Blue: Yup. But not for long. Another day in here and my nose will start running. Dog allergy... / Dave: And where are you going then? / Blue: Where else? Back home with Mom. / Dave: Why don't you just move back with my parents? / Blue: No, thanks. What are you gonna do next, try to get yourself to second base and then set yourself on fire? / Dave: I'm sorry I kissed you. I don't know what happened to me, really... / Blue: Don't tell me you don't know. You feel something for me. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but you do.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Blue and Dave sit on Blue's grandmother's couch]] / Dave: No. No, I don't feel a thing for you... / Blue: Suuure. I suppose you go around blasting random people with your laser vision too. / Dave: I'm very sorry about that. I didn't know your eye would... / Blue: FORGET MY EYE! I don't want you to say you're sorry! I just want to know WHY! / Dave: You... you pissed me off... / Blue: So why didn't you yell at me or something? / Blue: It goes DEEPER than that. Why are you so mad at me? Do you still believe I told Mike to pummel you because you rejected me? Is that it? / Dave: No, that's not it. You don't want to know. And besides, it's all my fault. It has nothing to do with you. / Blue: Screw you. I don't care. I DESERVE to know. / Dave: But it doesn't make any sense. / Blue: Do you EVER make any sense? Start spilling it. / Dave: All right. But don't say I didn't warn you. I was angry at you, because... because it was not supposed to be you. / Blue: Uh??? / Blue: My mom wasn't supposed to tease me with you. And my dad wasn't supposed to sympathize with you. And you weren't supposed to help me with my mother, or to be trying to make me feel better. It was supposed to be HER...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave and Blue sit on Blue's grandmother's couch]] / Dave: She could be here with me. I offered, I asked, I even begged. But she wouldn't bother. And suddenly you're at my door. You, of all the people in the world. You, winning my parents over and being so awfully nice even after how I treated you. / Dave: You were nothing but PERFECT. Gods, it was unbearable. / Blue: So all this time you've been angry at Margaret. And you just took it out on me. / Dave: I'm not angry at her. I CAN'T. She owes me nothing. She promised me nothing. / Blue: So why are you telling ME this? Why don't you tell HER? / Dave: What for? She would tell me to lighten up. She just doesn't understand. Nobody understands... / Blue: Understand WHAT? / Dave: Nobody understands why it's such a big deal for me. / Blue: Is it... is it because of the way your heart flutters around in your chest every time she says your name? / Dave: Yes. / Blue: And because the first thing in the morning and the last thing before you go to bed is that desperate need to see her again? / Dave: Right. / Blue: And because you've already forgiven her for all the times she will break your heart? / Dave: Uh-huh. / [Blue's crying] / Blue: You're right, Dave. / Blue: Nobody understands.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave and Blue sit on Blue's grandmother's couch]] / Dave: God... is that how you feel about me? / Blue: [[a tear running down her cheek]] No *sniff* you idiot! I obviously got my little speech from a Valentine's Day card. What difference does it make? / Dave: [[hugging Blue]] Blue... I'm so sorry I've treated you like this. And I'm also sorry I can't love you back. It'd probably be for the better... but I'm not ready to give up on her yet. Do you understand? / Blue: Yeah *sob* Just promise me... Promise me that you won't let her hurt you too much. And, and that you'll call me if you need to talk... / Dave: I promise. / Blue's Grandma: Oh good! You're already doing your work! Very well, I'm going to chuch, and when I'm back there better be great-grandchildren around! / Blue: Well, you heard the lady, Dave...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Lily and Roger are wandering the forest at night]]
/ Lily: Do you really think this is a good idea?
/ Roger: What else can we do?
/ Lily: I don't know. If he's in shock, how would shocking him again help?
/ Roger: It works for amnesia.
/ Lily: Do you think we'll have to wait for a long time?
/ Roger: Naw. / Lily: Up for a nonsense contest while we wait?
/ Roger: Two baboons and a second-hand grape lollipop on my victory.
/ Lily: I see your baboons and throw in a chimp.
/ Roger: You can't bet primates if I already did it, so three points less!
/ Lily: You can't make new rules and point my failure points in the same sentence. Five points LESS!
/ Roger: I was not pointing your failure points. It was a nonsense comment.
/ Lily: Well, THAT sentence made sense. 10 points less.
/ Roger: So did yours. 20 points less. And where are you gonna get a chimp?
/ Lily: "Rent-A-Chimp". Obviously. / Roger: [[off-panel]] AAAAAARGGHH!
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Lily and Roger are reunited with their mom, a werecoyote living feral in the forest]] / Mom: Lily, look at you! My little girl is now a woman! I'm so proud... / Lily: You look great, too, Mom! Shiny fur! What conditioner do you use? / Mom: Rain water. It does wonders! / Lily: OF COURSE! / Roger: *AHEM* / Lily: Oh yeah. Mom, we've got a surprise for you. / Mom: A surprise? Where? / Roger: It's in the car. / Mom: This isn't a trick to get me in the car so I get my rabies shot, is it? / Lily: No, we decided that was an awful Christmas present. / Roger: We got you something better, and just as equally shocking! / Mom: Uuh. Thanks. I think.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Lily and Roger have tracked down their mother, a werecoyote, in the forest]] / Mom: Your father is here??? What on earth were you thinking? I'm not letting him see me like this... / Lily: But Mom, he's been missing you. He deserves to know the truth, don't you think? / Roger: Aw, mom! C'mon, at least say hi! / Lily: And he already saw us go coyote and well, he didn't reject us. Not exactly... / Mom: [[leaving]] Forget it. Go home. It's too late. / Lily: But we brought all the stuff to camp here and spend New Year's Eve together! / Roger: And, we drove all the way to here to reunite you two! It works in movies... / Mom: No. It would break my heart. I prefer him to remember me as I was. Tell him I'm dead.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Lily: This is SO disappointing... / Roger: I know. Let's go, we have nothing to do here. / Lily: Well, NO. We're not going anywhere. We're sticking to our plan. / Roger: You heard her. She doesn't want to... / Lily: I don't care. / Lily: If she doesn't want us here, she'll have to kick us out herself. / Roger: Look, do you really think this is a very good time to declare war with mom? / Lily: I'd say it's a good time for her to accept that we're her family and that she can't run away forever. / Roger: I'd say... / Lily: Who asked YOU? We're staying and that's IT! / Roger: You're only THREE minutes older than me, you know. / Lily: And don't forget three minutes WISER! / Roger: Pfah. I bet you can't even put up the tents. / Lily: Sure I can! You pull the cord and it inflates itself! / Roger: GGRR. Okay, you got me there...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[At the Green's New Year's Eve party. Blue, wearing an evening dress, leans on a bar.]] / Mike: [[off-panel]] PSST! / [[We see Mike -- he's in black-tie formal tuxedo.]] / Blue: Good evening, Mr. Bond. / Mike: Go ahead, laugh. Didn't they have any bare-midriff evening gowns left? / Blue: Sure, all the Jennifer Lopez collection. How are you? / Mike: Mortally bored, as expected. / Blue: Likewise. But hey, it's all part of the New Year's Eve tradition!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[At the Green's New Year's Eve party, a black-tie affair...]] / Mike: How's the eye? / Blue: Boy, you can't have any privacy in this family... but it's okay now. / Mike: Good! I wouldn't like to start the semester by killing my roommate. / Blue: You should ask how is Dave. Mom got her claws on him, you know... / Mike: Mmh, really? I thought she'd wait till we got back to college... / Blue: I don't know why, but she let him live. The guy who was following me told me what she was doing. She wanted me there, obviously. / Mike: Maybe she just wanted to scare him. / Blue: Or maybe she was trying to scare ME. / [[In the foreground, Hazel dances with Vernon -- of whom we will learn more, later.]]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Blue: Where is Louie, anyway? / Mike: Didn't you know? He's grounded. / Blue: Why? / Mike: He was arrested at Manic Mountain for attempting to strangle Darney the Purple T-Rex! / Blue: If he always tries to do that why didn't you stop him this time? / Mike: It's like Mom always says... Put the rat and the cheese together, then just sit back and let nature do its thing! / Blue: Um, indeed... / [In the foreground, Harry Green is hanging out with a busty chick and Bill Clinton)|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Mike: You know Blue, you really should stay away from Dave. I never thought he would attack you, but lately he's psychotic. / Blue: No more than Marsha, is he? / Mike: Touche. But he and Margaret... they're into something heavy. I'm not really sure what it is, but I don't think I want you near it. / Blue: Where's your blue hair and green dress? Because you're acting like a clone of Mom... / Mike: [[rolling his eyes]] Aww, dammit. / Blue: If you really want to help me, please take care of him. You know? Because I'm asking you to... / Mike: Ba-pssch. / Blue: Mike... / Mike: Oh, all right! But if he decapitates me with his laser vision all promises are off.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, May 9, 2002||[[The Pepitones enjoying a family camping-out for New Year's Eve. Mom, in werecoyote form, is sniffing out the campfire.]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, May 10, 2002||[[The Pepitones are camping out for New Year's Eve. Lily plays guitar while she and Roger sing; Dad sits in the background]]
/ Lily and Roger: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, May 13, 2002||[[Dave returns. Chester leaps into his arms]] / Dave: Heeey, my furry soulmate! Did you miss me? / Margaret: I have never seen a cat so attached to people. / Dave: You can say that again... Hi April! Did Chester behave? / April: [[evil eye]] Yeesssss. UnnnLIKE his ownnnnerrrrr.... / Dave: I just picked a bad vibe here. I'd better go. / Margaret: Oh, she's just a sore loser. Just because I finally beat her at poker after the 159th time...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, May 14, 2002||[[Dave is hanging the 'dragon poster' he received for Christmas]] / Mike: What's that? / Dave: Christmas present from Roger. Cool huh? / Mike: Nonono. It's BEYOND cool. In fact, it's beyond BEAUTIFUL! / Mike: This thing should be in a museum! Hey Roger, are you a friggin' genius or what, man? / Roger: [[passing]] 9 out of 10 inanimate pets agree with you, Suckerman! / Dave: [[thinking]] I need another vacation...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, May 16, 2002||[[Dave answers the door -- it's Blue. Chester runs away]]
/ Dave: Eeeeh...
/ Chester: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, May 18, 2002||April: Well, THIS I didn't expect... What, are you gonna invite me to your wedding, lovebirds?
/ Dave: Lovebirds??? She's just looking for Mike. Is he here?
/ Blue: We're not lovebirds... I'm just his sexy stalker!
/ April: [[unimpressed]] Lovely. Yes, he's inside. / [[April takes Dave aside]]
/ April: How could you show up with her? After what you've done...
/ Dave: Uh? What are you talking about? We talked about it and we're friends now. It won't happen again.
/ April: I don't care. What I want to know is when you're gonna tell Margaret.
/ Dave: Why should I? She's got nothing to do with it. / April: Nothing? NOTHING???
/ Dave: Well, yeah, I kind of did it because I was angry at her, but I really would prefer it if...
/ April: [[poking Dave in the chest]] WHAT? You're just... sickening. And I can't believe I shut my mouth for you!
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, May 21, 2002||Dave: [[to Margaret]] I didn't have sex with Blue! April's CRAZY! She reads too many webcomics! Someone call 911 before she stabs us all with a pitchfork! / April: [[off-panel]] Liar, liar, pants on FIRE! Oh yeah! / Margaret: Mmmmh. / Mike: <<*twitch*>> / Dave: I swear I don't know why she's saying that! / April: [[off-panel]] You said it FIRST! / Dave: [[to April]] All right, I'm sure this is one of those stupid misunderstandings! I never said such thing! / April: Oh right! So tell me Mister Losingcontrolaboutlacyblackstuff... If you did nothing wrong, why did you want me to keep the secret? / Dave: Well, I... I... / Dave: Oh, this is just RIDICULOUS! Blue, tell them it's not true! / [[Blue smirks]] / Dave: Blue...? / April: A-HA! A-HA-HAAA!!!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, May 22, 2002||Blue: As fun as it would be to pretend we DID have sex, we didn't. The truth is a lot less pleasant, but I guess if we don't explain ourselves nobody is gonna believe us. / Dave: *Whew* For a moment I thought... okay, since you're far more coherent than me, I'll let you do all the talking. / Blue: Right. / Blue: It all went wrong from the beginning... / Dave: Horribly wrong. / Blue: I rented a room at his house because I thought he wasn't gonna be there. Obviously when he got there he thought I was stalking him. / Dave: Right. / Blue: And then he saw me unpacking my black lacy undies... / Dave: I thought she was doing it on purpose... / Blue: Then we had an argument because he said my lacy black undies couldn't be comfortable... So that's when he decided to TRY THEM on! / Dave: Yes, then I tried... WAAAH!|
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