You're browsing the archives of College Roomies From Hell.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, May 23, 2002||Dave: Thank you SO much for ruining my life yet AGAIN. / Blue: If I REALLY wanted to ruin your life I would have told the truth. But then you'd have to explain why you did it. Do you really want Margaret to know about that? / Dave: Well, no, but... / Blue: Not to mention the fact that you kissed me. Or am I supposed to guess which parts you want me to skip? / Dave: [[downcast]] Mmh. Okay. But now Margaret's going to think I'm into weird stuff... / Blue: [[rolling eyes but smiling]] Dave... she thinks you slept with your calculus teacher. She doesn't seem to mind, does she? / Dave: No. And sometimes I wish she would. / Blue: Anyway, I have to go or I'll miss the bus. / Dave: Couldn't you have made up a less embarassing lie? / Blue: No, I had to top the sex thing. I mean, who would believe a boring lie over an embarassing lie? *smooch* / [[She kisses his cheek]]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, May 24, 2002||[[Dave and Mike are in the bathroom; Dave holds a toothbrush, Mike watches him pointedly]]
/ Dave: Why are you staring at me like that? You don't believe what April said, do you?
/ Mike: For a tiny moment I had my doubts. But then again, you guys have something to hide. And I already know what it is.
/ Dave: Eeeh... do you?
/ Mike: Yeah, Blue told me. / [[Dave unscrews his toothpaste as Mike talks]]
/ Mike: I was just thinking of the irony of it all. When you did nothing to Blue, I almost killed you. And now that you actually hurt her, I can't even touch you. I'm not gonna beat you up, or push you down some stairs, or strangle you.
/ Mike: Nope.
/ Mike: It ain't gonna happen. / Mike: Even if that jugular vein of yours is visibly throbbing... and CALLING... "Mike, it's still pumping... arent' you gonna do something about it..."
/ [[Dave's fingers reflexively squeeze toothpaste all over his hands]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Teacher: Well, the first thing we're going to do here at the lab is a small team project. Three persons, tops. / Dave: Want to be on my team? / Margaret: Mmh. Are you sure? I'm not that good with Chemistry. / Dave: I'm so sure of my sureness I can't be more sure without starting to sound like I'm not sure! / Margaret: All right, then. / Teacher: No, no. I'm picking the teams. If you get on a team with your friends you will be too distracted to work. / Class: [[off-panel]] Aaaaw... / Teacher: All right. *Ahem* first team! Adams, Archer, Browning. / Dave: Oh, NO... / Margaret: What? WHAT???!!! / Steve: [[off-panel]] Sweet Baby Cthulhu! / Waldo: [[off-panel]] Unholy CRAP!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, May 26, 2002||Margaret: [[stunned]] Waldo and Steve. She put me in a team. With Waldo. And Steve. / Dave: It's just a small project. I'm sure you won't have to spend a lot of time with them. / Margaret: Dave. We're talking about Waldo and Steve. A second with them is already TOO much time. / Teacher: [[off-panel]] Team #3. Farmer, Gardner, Green. / Farmer and Gardner: [[off-panel]] NOOOOOOOO! / Mike: Hey, hey, what's so wrong with me? You guys ain't Hollywood stars either. / Teacher: [[off-panel]] Team #4. Hart, Jones, Jones. / Dave: WHAT??? The drunkard and Miss Killer Cook? Are you CRAZY or what, woman? / Margaret: [[still stunned]] Why me? Why Waldo? Why Steve? Why Waldo and Steve? / Marsha: [[off-panel]] Why the nerd??? Why???|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, May 27, 2002||Margaret: You can't put me in a team with these DORKS! / Steve: Yeah, you can't! / Teacher: Why not? / Margaret: They're gonna ruin my grades! And I'll probably get a police record! / Waldo: Because she's so CRAZY she should sell used cars! / Teacher: I'm sorry, but I believe when you get a job in the real world you're not gonna be allowed to choose your workmates! / Dave: You CAN'T put me in a team with Frank and Marsha! Frank's gonna drink the reactives before we start! And Marsha makes cereal boxes explode just by entering the room! / Teacher: Now, now. That's not NICE! / Dave: You don't understand! I have this tendency to die... / Teacher: [[leaving]] Heeeeeheee. Aw David. James was right, you are SOOOO paranoid!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Dave: Double DAMN! I can't believe I ended up with those two! All that'll be left of me will be a million little flunked pieces! / Mike: All right, man, cut the crap already. Marsha's sensitive about her cooking, and if you keep babbling about I'm gonna have to tie your little neck into a knot to give you something to think about. Mmh? / Dave: Look, Mike. I have nothing against Marsha but I'm not ready to DIE for her. I can't tip-toe around her feelings when we're working with dangerous chemicals. / Mike: Well, *I* should be the one doing that, but stupid Gardner and Farmer got in the way. I guess I'll just have to make them PAY for it. / Dave: What about you? Who's in your team? / Roger: [[wearing vibrantly colored shirt]] Oh, I ended up with Ray and Pokono. Apparently we're going to make some hallucinogenic drugs. My job is to keep an eye on the Feds.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, May 30, 2002||Marsha: Weeeeeellllll. If it isn't Mr. Reluctant Lab Partner Boy. / Dave: I think maybe we should keep hostility to a minimum... I'm sorry I said those things about your cooking. / Marsha: All right. Then I will not say that you're too nerdy and that I have no intention of killing myself over this project. / Dave: Marsha... / Marsha: Starting now. / Dave: [[looking around]] Where is Margaret? / Marsha: She's working on a couple of pin~atas that look like Waldo and Steve. / Dave: Oh. What about April? Is she still avoiding me? / Marsha: She's at Mary Ann's house working on her project as well, and YES. / [[At Mary Ann's house]] / Mary Ann: Nonononono this is no good! You need to work on your teacher-pleasing smile! And you need to slouch more, straight-up is not HUMBLE enough! Now, we need to compile a list of proper compliments for the teacher... / April: [[underneath a pasted-on grin, thinking]] I should HIT her... but I can't... I... DESERVE this...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, May 31, 2002||[[Mike is watching TV]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, June 1, 2002||[[Steve holds a skull as Waldo watches]]
/ Steve: [[reading from a tome]] Id imperfectum manet dum confectum erit...
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, June 2, 2002||Dave: Well, the first thing we have to do is decide what kind of a project we want. I have some suggestions here. Let's see... chlorophyll isolation... / Marsha: [[bored]] Dave, this project is worth 5% of the final grade. We don't need anything too complicated. Why don't we make soap? It's easy. / Dave: Too easy. High-school level I'd say. / Marsha: Oh, give me a break. / Frank: Heeey. Here'sh an ideeea. Why 'nt we go fer alcohol dist... diste... distillation... / Dave: It's illegal. / Frank: Meeh. Fer a porn star, yer awfully uptight, y'know... / Dave: Mmh. Maybe we SHOULD go for alcohol distillation. / Marsha: Uptight? I don't think so. If you only knew about his tastes in underwear... / Dave: Eeeh. So, alcohol distillation and soap then...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, June 3, 2002||[[Margaret returns home. Marsha is filing her nails. April sits beside her on the couch in a fetal position]] / Marsha: How did it go? / Margaret: Oh, not so bad, actually. Those two guys might be idiots but they have had a lot of practice with potions... you? / Marsha: So-so. Your boyfriend definitely needs some stress management. / April: *sob* / Margaret: He's not my boyfriend... hey April! / Margaret: So... did you punch Mary Ann on the nose like I asked you? / April: Nooo..... / Margaret: For the love of God, why? / April: I still haven't suffered enough. Next Monday... / Margaret: Geez. Just join the club of people who have misjudged Dave and get over it, woman...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, June 5, 2002||Margaret: You're overreacting. Just get over it. / April: Sure, YOU can say that. After all, you're not the one who horribly misjudged Dave, and... / Margaret: April, the way he babbles when he's nervous and looks guilty over things he hasn't done... it's not the hardest thing to do, is it? / Margaret: [[off-panel]] I should know. I've done that a couple of times... over far more important things. / April: [[off-panel]] You're just saying that to make me feel better. You never mentioned it. / Margaret: [[off-panel]] I never mentioned it because he doesn't know I misjudged him, and I'd like to keep it that way, thank you very much. / Marsha: Wait a minute... / Marsha: Have you girls been sharing some quality secret-sharing time and you didn't invite me??? Cold. How cold. / April: Eeh no. What makes you think... / Margaret: [[off-panel]] Pfft! Yeah right. It's easier to squeeze blood from a stone than get anything from April...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, June 6, 2002||[[Mike and Marsha are on the couch, preparing to spend an evening together]] / Mike: So, what do you want to watch first? "Return of the Zombies, XII", or "Steel Magnolias?" / Marsha: Meeeh. / Mike: What's the matter? / Marsha: Aw. The girls have been sharing secrets while I was home. I feel so left out. / Marsha: And now they're all hushy and whispery around me. They have been speaking in code since I came back. Apparently it's something big, but I can't tell what. / Mike: REALLY. / Marsha: Yeah... what? Do you know anything about it? / Mike: No, no... I just get the same vibe. / Marsha: Are we gonna do something about it? / Mike: Last time it blew up right in our faces, didn't it. / Mike: It's none of our business. And when something is none of your business and you don't care, people tend to talk without even noticing that you're there. Do you follow me? / Marsha: Like a little rubber duckie with its rubber mother.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, June 9, 2002||[[Mike's creeping around Dave's bedroom at night. Chester protects Dave.]]
/ Chester: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, June 10, 2002||[[April is dressed just like Mary Ann and her hairstyle mimics Mary Ann's]]
/ April: All RIGHT. I've changed my appearance to meet your petty demands. Now...
/ Mary Ann: Now, WAIT. I thought I specified absolutely NO COTTON clothes.
/ April: It's only 50% cotton, you spawn of Hell.
/ Mary Ann: 50%? That's more than ENOUGH! April, you can't expect teachers to take you seriously if you don't dress properly! / April: [[through gritted teeth]] Are... we EVER... gonna discuss... our actual PROJECT???
/ Mary Ann: [[waving her hand about]] Hellooooooo, am I the only THINKING person in this room??? You never come up with a project, you always ask the teacher for suggestions! It puffs their little underpaid egos! Now about your hair, it's too messy on the top. Remember, Mr. Styling Gel is your little frieeeeeend. / [[April is in Margaret's training room, smashing the living tar out of the heavy training bag]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, June 11, 2002||[[Marsha is knocking on Mike, Roger and Dave's door]] / Marsha: Hey, open up! / Roger: [[off-panel]] I'm not here! I left the country! / Marsha: C'mon Roger. I just forgot my makeup case in there. / Roger: [[off-panel]] Who are you??? / Marsha: Marsha! Who else? / [[Roger opens the door]] / Roger: Wait a minute. How do I know you're not with the Feds? / Marsha: I have a criminal record. It disqualifies me. / Roger: REALLY. / Marsha: Just let me in before I make my record bigger. / Roger: [[letting Marsha in]] Sorry about that, but you can't trust anybody. Yayoo, pizza is here! / Marsha: [[off-panel]] Whatever... / [[The pizza is delivered by Agent Mulder, wearing his usual dark suit, but with a cunning disguise of sunglasses]] / Mulder: Here you go. Hey, can I get a DNA sample for a tip? / Roger: I don't see why not!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, June 12, 2002||Mike: Well, I'm off to work on my Chem lab project. See ya. / Roger: [[blocking his exit]] Wait wait! Do you think it's wise to come out now??? The feds are after us! / Mike: You mean after YOU. I'm not the one who's making drugs, remember? / Roger: [[hushing him]] SSHHH!! Are you crazy??? There are no mutant, morphing, drug-making commie Castro supporters here! None at all! / Mike: But... / Roger: Don't say a thing! I discovered a hidden microphone at the girl's apartment! This one should be full of them too! / [[Inside a darkened van, Mulder and Scully listen in via sophisticated electronic gear.]] / Scully: I told you. You should have dressed like a REAL pizza delivery guy. / Mulder: Baseball caps cause baldness. And speaking of fun, we're in a van... Any ideas? / Scully: Mulder, I'm not gonna look at your UFO pic collection AGAIN. / Mulder: Aaaw...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, June 13, 2002||[[In a darkened van]] / Scully: I still don't know why you're so interested in that harmless college kid. / Mulder: I believe he and his roommates are the ones we captured last year. Remember? The mutant abductees who were killed in that explosion... / Scully: If you're so sure, why don't you just arrest them right now? / Mulder: Because we didn't put ANY hidden microphones in their neighbors' apartment! / Mulder: That can only mean one thing. SOMEONE else is interested in them too! / [[In the girls' apartment, Marsha is listening to a Walkman(tm)]] / Margaret: What are you listening to? / Marsha: "The Secrets You Won't Share." / Margaret: Never heard of that band before... / Marsha: It's not a band, it's a song about trust and backstabbers. / Margaret: Oh. Cool.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, June 14, 2002||Dave: Marsha, am I crazy or is this list incomplete? / Marsha: [[off-panel]] It's all there. / Dave: And these ingredients here, I don't remember... / Marsha: [[off-panel]] I made a couple of substitutions. / Dave: WHAT??? Marsha, we just can't start... / [[Dave stumbles over something. His clipboard and pencil go flying]] / Dave: ... fooling ARAAAAAIGH! / Dave: [[rubbing his head]] What's a pile of dirty clothes doing in the middle of the floor??? / Marsha: That's not just a pile of dirty clothes. Frank's inside. / Dave: Uh? / Marsha: Beer break... / Dave: We haven't even started! / Marsha: No, no. This is YESTERDAY'S beer break.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, June 15, 2002||[[April, dressed and coiffured like Mary Ann, strides past, her eyes glazed oddly, her teeth clenched]] / April: XHLEMPHREGOMFORTNESS!!!! MGGGHNNN... / Marsha: *Ahem* Dave? / Dave: [[rolling his eyes]] All right. I've got it covered. / Dave: April... you don't have to do this, you know. I'm not mad at you. It was just an honest mistake... / April: [[through gritted teeth]] Thank you, Dave. But this... this is not about you anymore... / Dave: What? / April: I'm just... lulling her into a false sense of security... / April: And tomorrow. TOMORROW... / April: [[off-panel]] MWAHAHA! MWAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! / [[Dave packs and leaves]] / Marsha: Hey, where are you going? We're still not done! / Dave: I'm sorry, but when the maniacal laughter starts, that's my cue to leave.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, June 16, 2002||Roger: [[proffering a wig of straight red hair]] Here. Before we go out, put this wig on. / Mike: No thanks, I'm already beautiful. / Roger: Mike, I'm serious. The feds are after us, we have to go out in disguise. / Mike: Why don't you ask Dave? We all know he loves to use girl stuff. / Dave: [[off-panel, shouting]] I DO NOT! / Roger: Say... / Dave: I remember the last time I used that wig. It didn't work either! / Roger: But... / Dave: No. / [[Roger has wrapped the wig around Fluffy]] / Roger: [[calling after both Mike and Dave, who are off-panel]] Fine! Pride will be your doom! But when the feds get you, don't waste your only phone call on US!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, June 17, 2002||April: [[sitting up in bed, smiling brightly]] Ooooh! Is it morning already??? Good morning, sunshine! / April: Good morning, roomie! / Margaret: [[bleary]] Decipher... my... / April: Your shirt, I know! / April: [[off-panel]] Aaand... oh yeah! [[Shouting]] Good mooorning, Vengeance! / Marsha: Look, Margaret, I don't know who's gonna cook breakfast, but I'm certainly not letting THAT near any sharp utensils. / Margaret: Cook? Just gimme the coffee can and a spoon and I'll dig in till I can start thinking clearly.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, June 18, 2002||Mike: [[his eyes looking back]] Dave. / Dave: What? / Mike: Don't look now, but we're being followed. / Dave: Uh? Are you sure? / Mike: Yes. On the count of three. 1... 2... / Mike: RUN! RUN TILL YOUR LUNGS FALL OFF! / [[They run. Dave hazards a look back.]] / Dave: Eep! / [[Roger (wearing a wig) clutching Fluffy (also wearing a wig) enters panel]] / Roger: [[calling after Dave and Mike]] Male chauvinist PIGS! What, are you 'fraid I'll start a meaningful conversation???|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, June 19, 2002||[[Dave and Mike are running away from Roger]]
/ Dave: *pant pant* Is he gone?
/ Mike: Yeah, but I... WHOA! Wait a minute!
/ [[He spies a red car parked in the foreground]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, June 20, 2002||Teacher: Where's April? Is she gonna be late? / Mary Ann: No, she was here ten minutes ago! I don't know... / Teacher: Ah, there you are. Just in time, too! / [[April enters. She blows bubblegum, her hair is Aprilesque, her clothing is brilliantly colored and bares her midriff, and her posture exudes disrespect.]] / April: Yo. Sorry, was on the can. / Mary Ann: <<*IIIIIGGGG*>>|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, June 21, 2002||Teacher: Very well, let's go for the safety check then. Let's see, lab coat, gloves, and... mmh, let me see the other glove there... / Mike: Eh, I only have one. / Teacher: Why is that? / Mike: [[waving his tentacle]] See, it's kind of hard wearing a glove over this thing. / Teacher: Oh! I... see. Um, this might be a problem... / April: [[calling across the room]] Hey, Mike, I've got a great idea! Why don't you just use a condom? See, they're intended for PROTECTION! / Mary Ann: [[trying to hold April back]] Don't listen to her! She hasn't been taking her medication!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, June 22, 2002||[[Marsha swirls a flask which contains some white liquid]]
/ Marsha: [[thinking]] Saponify, baby! Saponify, baby! Saponify, dammit! Boo... / [[Marsha tips the contents of the flask into the sink]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, June 23, 2002||[[Mike is trying to pour some green goop down the sink that Marsha used earlier]] / Mike: Geez, who clogged the drain with that yellow goo? / Marsha: Mike? Listen, um... how do you undo a brainwarp? / Mike: Mmh. I don't know. I have never attempted to do that. Why? / Marsha: Well, see, Dave was pissed at me because of a little mistake I made, and so I wanted to distract him... but didn't realize he would be HDCWD. / Mike: HDCWD? / Marsha: Handling Dangerous Chemicals While Drooling. / Mike: What did you tell him? / Marsha: Oh, just an idiotic story about how I was rubbing lotion all over Margaret's naked body this morning. / Mike: I see. / Mike: Mmh, I can't work with so little data. Tell me, at the time of the facts, were you naked too? / Marsha: Mike, it never happened. I made it up. / Mike: And this lotion, are we talking about the alcohol-based kind, or the oily kind? / Marsha: You know? I think I'll just ask a girl about this. / Mike: Can I watch?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, June 24, 2002||[[Marsha approaches Roger, who is wearing the red wig and holding a big spliff]] / Marsha: Eh, Roger? / Roger: There's no Roger, only Zuul. / Marsha: Uh? / Roger: I mean ROSIE. And I'm not doing anything illegal, no sir. / [[Marsha approaches Margaret, who is strangling Waldo]] / Marsha: Hey, Margaret... / Margaret: [[to Waldo]] 78 Celsius, you doofUS! 78! Not 77.9! Can't you follow any instructions, huh? See, this is why you can never summon anything! / Waldo: MMGHHHH / [[Marsha approaches April, who is juggling a test-tube, a round-bottomed flask and a conical flask]] / Marsha: Mmh, April... meh, nevermind. / April: Sure, Marsha, ask me a distracting question while I juggle fragile school property! / Mary Ann: AAAAAH! Stop this madness! Make it stop!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, June 25, 2002||Margaret: So you're done with your project? / April: Yup. Got an A on it, too. / Margaret: Then why is Mary Ann sucking her thumb under that table? / April: Oh, only because I shattered her belief system, with a little help from the teacher... / Margaret: Wow, April. You broke Mary Ann??? You realize that I'll have to worship you forever. / April: Well, what can I say? I'm about to start my own fan club.|
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80
81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 >>