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|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Roger: Before you go... remember when you told me that "Strange Event Vigilantes" newsgroup was just another way to increase my geekness? Well, I have NEWS... / Mike: Babbling later, Roger. I'm off to save my girl from the shrinks. / Roger: You might be interested to know that we got a peculiar "laser vision" incident report recently. / Mike: Uh? Where? / Roger: Mexico. / Mike: MEXICO??? What the hell is he doing there? / Roger: According to the report, he was trying to cook some hot dogs. / Dave: [[Writing in a letter]] Dear Margaret: Remember when I told you my life just couldn't get any more surrealistic?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave, in nun's habit, sweeping a hallway]] / Dave's Letter: I'm staying at some sort of... monastery. They keep a vow of silence, I think. Which is convenient for me, as I can't speak Spanish at all. I spend most days doing simple chores anyway. / Dave's Letter: People here don't seem to care who I am. It's sort of comforting. / Dave's Letter: Fortunately I have managed to stay out of trouble. Amazing, huh? / [[Dave stares at a piece of bread, a nun butters her piece, and another nun carries a pot in the background]] / Dave's Letter: Food is good, and at least I have a place to sleep. If I'm lucky enough, they won't kick me out really soon. / Dave's Letter: Strangely enough, I kind of like it in here. Or maybe I just needed a vacation. / [[Dave, in his room, writing letter at a desk]] / Dave's Letter: I discovered the other day that we have a common mailbox, and I decided to send you a letter, so you know I'm fine and safe. I wouldn't want you to think I'm such a coward, I decided to run away just so we couldn't talk. / Dave's Letter: I mean, it sounds like a good plan, and it sounds like something I'd be crazy enough to do, and if you think about it, the chances of me being accidentally sent to Mexico are... uh. I'm not helping myself a lot, am I?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, January 4, 2003||[[Dave, in nun's habit, writes at a desk]] / Dave's Letter: Chester scared me badly the other day. I often forget he receives his share of my own stress and panic. For his own good, I have to remain calm. / Dave's Letter: He's okay now. Sleeping a lot, though. I want to think he's healing on his own, because we will go through a lot of stress when we decide to get home. / Dave's Letter: That's why I have decided to stay here, at least until he feels a little better. / [[Dave takes in the vista through a window]] / Dave's Letter: It's funny that the less you talk, the more you think. I've not spoken a word for days now, and to be honest, I'm not liking what I'm discovering about me. / Dave's Letter: Now that you're so far away, I can see that my life is pretty much simple, and I complicate it too much by obsessing over you. Maybe I have to get back to other things like school, and having a bit of fun too. You know, being more me than the one I hope you'd love. / Dave's Letter: That doesn't mean I don't miss you a lot. I really wish you were here, but for now, I'll settle for the little peace of mind I've found in this place. Yours, D.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, January 5, 2003||[[Video image: Margaret, wearing a WWII sergeant's uniform -- complete with helmet -- and fully armed charges an imaginary foe]] / Margaret: Read my shirt, you goddamned NAZIS! All your Normandy are belong to US! / [[Video image: April, with green hair and armed with an enormous battleaxe, smiles sweetly at Mike]] / Mike: Uuh... April, you didn't just go crazy or something, right? / April: Why, Mike! I have GREEN hair! / April: Do you think I LOOK like a crazy person? Huh? Do you? / [[Video image: Roger playing chess against Fluffy]] / Roger: Nope, sorry, but you can't just jump over other pieces. This ain't checkers, you know. / Roger: I also don't care if that move is legal using a 4-dimensional approach. / Roger: Look, just move a piece! We have been here for hours and the game hasn't even started! / [[Video image: Mary Ann flees April, who stands meekly and greenly by]] / Mary Ann: You see what she's doing NOW??? As if she hasn't ruined my life already! And nobody CARES! / Mary Ann: Green hair! She's just trying to drive me CRAZY! Stop the madness! Make it STOP! / [[A hospital official watches a video screen with Mike]] / Hospital Official: So you say that everyone who was involved in that chem lab explosion has experienced these... psychotic episodes? / Audio from TV: I AM ONE WITH THE AVOCADO! / Mike: Exactly. / Hospital Official: And you say that the hallucinogenic substance... EEW. I didn't need to see that. / Mike: Yeah... hey, if that thing with the fork isn't illegal, it SHOULD be.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Mike and April lead Marsha along a corridor]] / Marsha: Are you sure I'm allowed to go home? The doctor said I had to stay at least a few more weeks... / Mike: Don't worry, it's all legal! Amazingly enough... / April: Yeah, you're not crazier than any of us, apparently... / Marsha: I don't know... I'm worried. What if I go crazy and attack someone else? It has happened before... / April: We have Dover's classes on tape to sedate you into submission! / Mike: A "Hart attack", huh? Heheh. This is silly, it's not going to happen... / Marsha: But... / Mike: Shhh. Don't say anything. I have you with me, and that's all that matters. Welcome home. / Marsha: I love you. / Mike: I love you too. / [[They hug. In the foreground, April begins to tear up.]]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, January 7, 2003||[[Dave, in a nun's habit, sweeps up leaves]]
/ Dave: [[thinking]] Pssh... just another day in the nunnery...
/ Dave: [[thinking]] Where nothing ever happens...
/ Dave: [[thinking]] I'm SO BORED. / [[Dave waves at his bespectacled rescuer, who is watering the garden]]
/ Dave: [[thinking]] And I LOVE it.
/ Dave: [[thinking]] The world outside seems so chaotic compared to this place...
/ Dave: [[thinking]] Nothing to dread, no angst, no one threatening me or putting me down. / Dave: [[thinking]] Who would have thought that I could...
/ [[Another nun trips over Dave's feet]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, January 8, 2003||[[Dave stares, horrified, after Hazel]]
/ Dave: [[thinking]] It CAN'T be her! How did she find me? What does she want?
/ Dave: [[thinking]] And what is she doing up there??? / [[Hazel tosses a flowerpot from the balcony]] / [[The flowerpot is heading toward Dave's bespectacled rescuer, and so Dave zaps it with his laser vision]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, January 9, 2003||[[Margaret talks to April, who's in bed]] / Margaret: You're not going to classes? / April: Um. Don't feel like it... / Margaret: OK, do what you want. But Marsha's gonna think you're depressed because she's back. / Margaret: It's not her fault if you like Mike. / April: How... how did you know? / Margaret: Don't you remember? I already told you. I overheard when you told Mike... / April: But, but that's not what I told Mike... I... oh my GOD. / Margaret: You thought it was something else? But he doesn't remember... / April: He KNEW it. He knew it all the time, and yet... / [[April storms away]] / Margaret: [[off-panel]] Hey! Where are you going? / April: OUT for MURDER!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, January 10, 2003||[[Mike clutches at his head.]]
/ Mike: OOOOW! Hey, the day hasn't even started and you're already beating me around???
/ April: How could you? HOW-COULD-YOU?
/ Mike: Do wh...?
/ April: Don't play idiot with me. You KNEW it all the time!
/ Mike: Ooh. Um, yeah, I have to admit...
/ April: WHY?
/ Mike: Because, oh you know. For Marsha. I just wanted you to hate me a little bit, that's all... / April: Uh? But... oh, all right. I understand. But STILL, you shouldn't play with people like that. It HURTS, Mike.
/ Mike: It didn't go as I planned... I was hoping everything would be fine by now!
/ April: You think a couple of days are enough to...?
/ April: [[tearing up]] You know what? I officially HATE YOUR GUTS now. You'll pay for this. I swear it. / [[April storms out]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, January 11, 2003||[[Dave, in nun's habit, runs up the corridor]] / [[Dave scoops up Chester and Marsha's purse]] / Dave: It hit the fan, Chester! So WE have to hit the ROAD! C'mon! / [[He turns to leave...]] / [[Blocking his exit are two nuns and a priest. One of the nuns crosses herself; the other carries a spritzer]] / Priest: ¿Un gato negro? Qué milagro ni qué nada... ¡Esto es cosa del diablo! / Translation: A black cat? This was no miracle... I can see the Devil's hand at work here!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, January 12, 2003||[[Dave, dressed in a nun's habit, holds Chester and Marsha's purse as he flees a nun armed with a spritzer; meanwhile, a priest chases them both]] / Priest: Exorciso te, immunde spiritus, in nomine Patris; et Filii... / Dave: [[thinking]] Geez, when they get out the Holy water in a bottle spray, you know they mean BUSINESS! / [[Dave climbs the wall of the convent]] / Dave: It's okay, Chester, we're almost to the other side... / [[Dave is about to jump onto the outside, when he looks down and stops, his arms wheeling for balance. Chester's tail fluffs.]] / [[At the bottom of the wall, looking up, are three henchmen. All wear dark suits and shades, and they point a total of five guns at Dave.]]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, January 13, 2003||[[Mike sits in class.]] / Mike: [[thinking]] Uh? What's this? I feel... DANGER. / Mike: [[thinking]] As if I'm being observed. I can feel the stare of evil crawling up my spine, planning a thousand deaths for me. / Mike: [[thinking]] Maybe I should hire a bodyguard again. / Mike: [[thinking]] Naah. Anyway, back to my education. I wonder if THOSE are real? And if they are, why in the world is she teaching history? / April: [[behind MIke, thinking]] Diediediediedie dieDIEdiediedie diedieDIEdie...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, January 14, 2003||[[Dave, in a nun's habit, stands on the convent wall. He holds Chester and Marsha's purse. His eyes glow blue.]]
/ Dave: Go away! Leave me alone!
/ Henchman: [[off-panel]] Or else what, Petunia? You're outnumbered! Maybe you can zap one of us, but as soon as you do, we'll put a bullet through your pretty face!
/ Dave: Uh... / Dave: Oh, yeah??? Well, what... what if I set that tree on fire? What you gonna do when the fire squad gets here? Mmh? Huh?
/ Henchman: HAHAH! All right, NOW you've made me laugh! Just get your ass down here before we show you fire! / Dave: OK, I'm getting down...
/ [[He flings a pocket mirror at the ground]]
/ Dave: In fact, we are ALL getting down! / [[The mirror crack into pieces]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, January 15, 2003||[[Dave, wearning the nun's habit, flees, still holding Chester and Marsha's purse. He beats out a small fire on his shoulder]]
/ Dave: [[thinking]] Eep! Next time I pull that trick I better wear asbestos clothes!
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, January 16, 2003||[[April approaches Roger.]] / April: There's an anti-rock rally near the park. I thought you should know. / Roger: WHAT? Those BASTARDS! I'll teach them! / [[April approaches Margaret]] / April: There's an anti-gun rally near the park. I thought you should k... / Margaret: WHAT? Get the hell outta my way! / [[April approaches Marsha]] / April: Mike kissed me the other day, while you were locked up. I thought you should know.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Marsha charges Mike. She has April's enormous battleaxe]]
/ Marsha: So it was not a hallucination! You DID kiss April, traitor! Off with your head! / [[Mike swings Satan's staff to block Marsha's blow. It bursts into red flame]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, January 18, 2003||Marsha: What the HELL just happened? How did you do that??? / Mike: I dunno... I was just trying to block your attack, not that flashy flamey thing... / Marsha: Well, let's see how much fireworks we can get out of it before I cut it in half! / Mike: You're not gonna let me explain anything, huh? / Marsha: Of course NOT! You had your chance to admit it and explain! Instead, you DENIED it! / Mike: All right, I'll put this thing away and let you kill me. On one condition. Explain to me why you attacked your exboyfriend during the Holidays, as if you still felt something for him. / Mike: It's that, isn't it? It doesn't matter if I have done something or not... when you attack me, it's his face that you're seeing. / Mike: Do you see it the rest of the time, too? When we kiss? I don't ask a lot, Marsha... but I'd really like to know THAT before I die.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, January 19, 2003||[[April approaches the imaginary floating wiser April, who has her face turned to the wall]] / April: Oh, there you are. I was wondering about your imaginary floating wiser pestering self. I was surprised you didn't try to stop me. / April: You won't talk to me? Fine. I don't need you. You never take my side, anyway. / April: Yes, I want to hurt him! He DESERVES it! So he did it for Marsha... see if I care! What about me? Does anybody EVER wonder about me? / April: Do I ALWAYS have to suffer in silence? Why can't I be selfish and cruel like everybody else? Why can't I have it my way? / April: You tell me. WHY can't I? Where does it say I have to be nice? I have been nice all my life. Look where it got me. It just doesn't work that way. Be nice, and be squashed under the wheel of evil. Just like that. / April: Nobody cares. And you? You are stupid. You are SO STUPID to think otherwise. / April: You, and your silly little dreams of a happy world. / April: But not anymore. If you think... / [[Imaginary Floating Wiser April falls to the floor]] / [[April looks down at Imaginary Floating Wiser April]] / April: <<*gasp*>> / [[Imaginary Floating Wiser April lies on the floor, face up, revealing that she is has been made up to look like a 'crying' clown]]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, January 20, 2003||April: [[running]] Wait! Marsha, don't kill him! I'd never forgive myself! / [[Mike and Marsha are cuddling on the couch]] / Mike: Heh! She's not cuddling me to the suffocation point yet, you know... / April: Uh?? But I thought... I thought that you were fighting... / Mike: We were, but we're trying to work it out in an unorthodox way... no axes included. / April: OH. Well. I'm glad. I'm glad you guys are talking. And cuddling. / Marsha: [[frost dripping from her words]] Yeah, and we STILL have a lot to talk about. So if you don't mind... get LOST.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Mike: Well, if Dave is really in Mexico, we have a short list of things we can do to get him back. One, we put his pic on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted... get the door, Roger. / Roger: [[off-panel]] Why me? / Mike: You're standing right next to it and I have a broken leg. / Roger: [[off-panel]] UNFAIR!!! / [[Roger opens the door to reveal Dave, still dressed in a nun's habit and carrying Chester.]] / Dave: DON'T say it. / Roger: HELLooooooooo, nun!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, January 22, 2003||Mike: Where the hell were you? We looked everywhere! And why the nun outfit? What happened? / Dave: Your MOMMA! / Mike: You know, that's NOT a nice thing to say, after all the problems you have caused us. / Dave: No, really. / Roger: I TOLD you we should have sold his stuff and rented out his bed! But did you listen? Nooooooo!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, January 23, 2003||Mike: So my mom finally got you, huh? I always thought she let you go too easily last time. Did she go all Third-Reich on you? / Dave: [[still in the habit]] I don't know! They drugged me and put a helmet on me. Everything's blurry since then. / Mike: A helmet, huh? Wow. It sure brings back some bad memories. / Roger: Talk about bad memories. When I was a kid I went to this Catholic school, and... / Mr. Hand: All right, who let a NUN in here? Are you people crazy? She's gonna beat us all up with a giant RULER! / Roger: [[off-panel]] OW! Hey, let go! It's just Dave! / Mr. Hand: [[off-panel]] Ain't falling for that nun trickery stuff! Jump outta the window! / Dave: Home, sweet loony bin. / Mike: Sez the guy in the nun outfit.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, January 24, 2003||[[Dave has changed back into normal Dave clothes]]
/ Mike: So um, are you sure you don't remember anything after you were captured? Anything at all?
/ Dave: I don't wanna think about it, Mike. I just want to eat something and then sleep for two days. / Mike: [[holding up Marsha's purse]] But BEFORE you do, I believe there's something else that needs to be taken care of, right?
/ Dave: <<*twitch*>> / Dave: [[off-panel]] <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, January 25, 2003||[[Dave is outside the girls' door. April has answered it.]] / Dave: Hello. Could you please give this to Marsha, or are your fingernails not dry yet? / April: I would, but Marsha and I don't speak to each other. / Dave: Oh! What happened? / April: You don't want to know. / Dave: You're looking at me funny. / April: You're back. / Dave: Well, yeah. And you're green-haired. / April: And you could use a comb. / Dave: Um! Well, you... you're acting strange. / April: You're also PANTLESS. / Dave: [[turning to go, blushing]] You win. / April: You're hopeless.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, January 26, 2003||[[Roger wanders through the lounge room]]
/ Roger: [[thinking]] Do robots dream of electric chips?
/ [[A tentacle reaches for him]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, January 27, 2003||Mike: If my mother brainwashed Dave, we're gonna have to be veeeeery careful about EVERYTHING. So finding out if he is a spy is VITAL. In the next few days, I'm gonna run some tests to see if there's any significant change in his personality. In the meantime, we'll speak in code and keep Dave out of any illegal biz. / Roger: Geez, Mike! I know the nunnery stuff is weird, but EVERYTHING is weird around here. It could have happened... / Mike: It sounds like a FALSE memory to me. I think... / Roger: Don't you think you'd think better if you didn't have me in a headlock? / Dave: Man, you could have MENTIONED I was going next door without any PANTS on! / Mike: [[panicked]] Talking about PUPPIES, that's ALL! / Roger: [[tugging vainly at Mike's tentacle]] Puppies... need... oxygen...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, January 28, 2003||Dave: [[returning Marsha's purse]] Hey Marsha, you left this at our place. / Marsha: Thanks! When did you get back? Where have you been? / Dave: Just around. You're not mad at me? / Marsha: No, why? / Dave: Because... because. / Dave: [[looking around]] Where's Margaret? / Marsha: [[looking through the purse]] Taking a shower. Are you gonna wait for her? / Dave: No, no... don't tell her I was here, please. / Marsha: [[off-panel]] Where's my hair removal cream? / Dave: [[leaving]] I bet you left it in another purse.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, January 29, 2003||Mike: See? It wasn't so hard! So, did Margaret actually tell you something? / Dave: No, she was in the shower. / Mike: Lucky you, huh? / Dave: Not really. I'm not avoiding her anymore. / Mike: Ooh. So... you're gonna see her tomorrow, then... / Dave: No. Actually, I think it's better if I don't talk to her. For a few days. / Mike: Why? / Dave: Just cause. It's not like I'm gonna choke or something without her, right? / Mike: You're NOT... / [[Roger is in bed/tub]] / Mike: Psst. There is a whoooole lot of crickets in the pan. / Roger: Uh? / Mike: I mean, rats in the sewer. Termites in the woodwork. Chimps in the waterhole. NUTS in the fruitcake. / Roger: You sound like something out of Sesame Street, but 200 points for you anyway.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Blue snuggles against a sleeping Dave. A cartoon heart floats above her head.]] / <|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, January 31, 2003||[[Blue hugs Dave]] / Blue: You're alive! And you have all your ears! I'm so happy, so happy! / Dave: Mmgh, wah, wait, Blue, just a sec... / Blue: NO! I'm too happy to wait! I GOTTA squeeze you! / Dave: But... / [[She releases him]] / Dave: Uh... how did you know I was missing? / Blue: Because I dodged all the liars and obstacles and found out you were in trouble! / Dave: Oh! So... / Mike: [[off-panel]] Ahem. Now I'm an obstacle? Mmh... / Blue: Then I started looking for you. / Dave: You looked for me. / Blue: [[hugging him again]] It was actually the easy part. The hard part was convincing my mom to let you go! / Dave: Wow. You did? / Blue: Mh-hm. / Mike: [[off-panel]] YOU DID???|
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