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|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, March 7, 2003||Dave: Okay. Why did you do it? / Margaret: I thought you were a pumpkinheaded zombie, so I... / Dave: Not THAT! THIS! Why did you do it? I don't understand! / Margaret: Ah. Well, you were really getting behind on everything. / Margaret: I didn't know you'd be mad. I'm sorry. / Dave: Mad? I'm CONFUSED! First you shoot a pumpkin right off my head, then I find out you have been doing my homework and updating my notes! / Margaret: I don't get it. What does one thing have to do with the other? / Dave: NOTHING! That's the point! What the hell is all this supposed to mean? / Margaret: [[off-panel]] I don't know. Is it supposed to mean something? / Dave: Are you crazy? Everything means something! Now I don't know what to think, or feel! / Margaret: [[off-panel]] Okay, it's the last time I try being nice...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Dave: Did you read my letter? / Margaret: Letter? No, I haven't received any letter. / Dave: I wrote you a letter. About us. About how I keep stressing myself over you, over what you'd think of me. And that I simply have to stop doing that. / Margaret: Really??? / Dave: I KNOW I have to stop, but I just can't. If only you... / Margaret: Dave, I have told you. I'm not ready for a relationship yet. Stop pressuring me. / Dave: No. Margaret, it's not the relationship. You know I want you to be my girlfriend, but I'm willing to wait. I could wait for years if needed. But I've reached a point where hope just isn't enough anymore. / Dave: I asked you this once, but you never answered me. / Dave: Do you love me?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Margaret withdraws her hands from Dave's]] / Margaret: No. / Margaret: Dave, I'm sorry. I don't. / [[Dave ruefully looks at the sock he's still carrying]] / Dave: [[leaving]] Yeah, I thought so.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, March 10, 2003||[[Dave wears the sock on his hand, as a hand puppet]] / Dave: Well, Mr. Sock. It seems that all I have left is you and my broken heart. But that's what I get for opening my big mouth. / Mr. Sock: It's better than not knowing. / Dave: If would have been even better if she said she loved me. / Mr. Sock: Are you out of your mind? It would have been terrible if she said she loved you. / Dave: How could it possibly be BAD? I don't understand. / Mr. Sock: Well, think about it. It would be a horrible thing if she loved you, and STILL treated you the way she does. At least now you can hope that if she ever starts loving you, you'll be able to NOTICE the difference. / Mike: How's "Mr. Sucks2BU" doing? / Dave: So far, he's smart and fresh-smelling. And the name is "Mr. Tube Sock". / Mike: I was referring to YOU. / Dave: Oh. Dumber than ever and smelling like a rotten pumpkin.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave is still wearing Margaret's sock on his hand]]
/ Dave: I'm still in shock, I guess. All this time I believed she loved me a little. Turns out she didn't. Now what?
/ Dave: It's like I've got the wind knocked out of me.
/ Mike: Mmhh... / Dave: or maybe I should have aOOW!!
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[April sits on a park bench, reading. Her hair is still a mess]] / [[Reddish-brown gunk flies from off-panel, spattering all over her]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, March 13, 2003||Mike:But it's true! Rotten pumpkin gave Dave a softer mop. I even thought it was a wig. / April:GRRRRRR..... / Dave:Uh... April, I tried to talk him out of it, but he never listens. / Mike:April, I'm sorry I ruined your hair. And I'm aware that apologizing is not gonna solve the mess I made, so I thought if I found a solution, you wouldn't be mad at me anymore and you could move in with Marsha again. I don't want to ruin your friendship. She shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes. / April:You... think this is all about MY HAIR??? / Mike:Um, no? Well, I don't recall doing anything else on purpose. If that's not it, I'd like to know. / April:You stupid idiot! Can't you see? Because I love you! / WHACK! / Dave:Eeew. Now THAT was an answer I wasn't expecting. / Mike:What did she say? My brain was rattling too loud. / Dave:I thought you said she was too nice to hit you. / Mike:Pssh... little miscalculation... now look for my nose and stick it in ice so they can reattach it later.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, March 14, 2003||[[Mike rubs his nose]] / Mike: Man, that girl has pointy knuckles. Did you see where she went? It's gonna need more work than I thought. / Dave: Mike, it's amusing to see you beaten to a pulp, but guess who's gonna have to be your nurse... / Mike: Never mind that. We... / Dave: No! Don't you see it? It's not about her hair! / Mike: What the hell are you talking about? / Dave: I COULD tell you, but that would be like opening a can of Dune-sized worms. Are you sure you want to hear it? / Mike: All right, now you're scaring me. / Dave: You don't know fear yet. Believe me, Mike, you want to leave it alone. Let's go home. / Mike: You know, if I wasn't distracted by all this chick stuff, I would have already taken over the western hemisphere by now. / Dave: [[rolling his eyes]] Yes, go stand in line with Samson, Mark Antony and Clinton.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Dave: All right, I have to admit that I haven't been honest with you at all. / Dave: Bunch of lies, you know? The nunnery, and Mexico. Everything else, too. It never happened. / Dave: I think you deserve the truth. / Dave: And the truth is as follows. Here, I'll start from the beginning... several weeks ago. / Narrator: It was a dark and stormy night. Well, it was. / Narrator: We were driving on a gloomy, small country road... / Narrator: And my employer was being his USUAL royal-pain-in-the-ass self. / Mike: Hey look. That snail just passed us without any signal. / Dave: I'm not going to lose my driver's license because you're a speed maniac. / Mike: Driving? Who's driving? This is technically PARKING!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Narrator: That's when we spotted her
/ Dave: [[off-panel]] Hey, what's that?
/ Mike: [[off-panel]] It looks like a girl. / Dave: What's she doing in the rain? And she looks like she's going to a party.
/ Mike: Who cares? Let's give her a ride!
/ Dave: Wait a minute... this sounds familiar.
/ Mike: What's running through your veins, tomato juice? Stop the car already! / <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, March 18, 2003||Mysterious Girl: Thanks for the lift, gentlemen. / Dave: What a weird girl. She barely said anything all this time. / Mike: What a babe! I wonder... / Mike: Remember an urban legend about a girl who turned out to be a ghost? / Dave: Yes, I remember, that's why I thought the whole thing sounded familiar... Hey, where are you going? / Mike: [[exiting the car]] I think I'll go check if she actually lives there. / Dave: You know, if this was a movie, the whole audience would be calling you stupid!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Mike knocks on the imposing door]] / Dave: You just don't pay me enough! I don't want to be involved in your crazy adventures! / Mike: Pssch. You are SO boring! / Dave: Yes, and I LOVE it! I love all things boring and predictable! / [[The door is opened by a Mysterious Blonde]] / Mysterious Blonde: Hello, boys. / Mysterious Blonde: We were waiting for you.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Mike and Dave are sat on plush armchairs. Diana serves wine. The Mysterious Blonde is revealed to be April, who is seated behind Mike, hugging him]] / Dave: Um, Mike...are you sure we should be here? I mean, I think it's one of THOSE places... / Mike: Well, if you don't want to be here, feel free to leave! / Dave: Okay, but if I leave, how are you gonna get home? / Mike: Heh! Why would I EVER, ever want to go home? / Margaret: Aaaw, you're leaving already??? But I still haven't had any fun yet! / Dave: [[grinning weakly, gesturing vaguely toward Mike]] Leaving? Who's leaving? He's the moron who wants to leave, not me... / Mike: [[off-panel]] Moron??? Be grateful for my hands being busy.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Margaret is rubbing Dave's shoulders. Marsha rubs Mike's hair. April stands nearby, watching]]
/ Dave: Mmmmmmmh. I have to admit...this is VERY nice.
/ Mike: Hah! Who's the moron now?
/ Dave: I know. I guess I should relax more often...
/ Mike: If it wasn't for me, you'd NEVER have any fun! / Roger: Don't let them fool you! It's a TRAP! Get out of here while you can!
/ Diana: Shut up! Who gave you permission to talk? You'll have to be punished! / Dave: Heheh. Some people sure have some strange fantasies. Don't you think, Mike?
/ Mike: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Narrator: Either I'm a real lightweight when it comes to drinking or there was more than red wine in that glass... / Dave: Aw, don't tell me I missed everything again... / [[Dave notices he is wearing only boxer shorts, and is strapped to the wall]] / Dave: [[thinking]] ...???!!! / [[Mike is strapped, similarly attired, next to Dave. He's connected to an anaesthetic mask.]] / Dave: Mike! Wake up! Next time you want to sign me up for anything, would you mind asking me first??? / Hazel: [[off-panel]] He didn't sign you up...I did!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, March 23, 2003||Dave: Hey! Who are you? What the hell do you want? / Hazel: My name is Madame D, and YOU are my test subject number 3! / Dave: Test subject??? / Hazel: Yes, I will need your little mutant genes. For I am, you see... / Hazel: Playing God! / Hazel: MWAHAAAHAHAHAHA! / Dave: I don't see how that can be so amusing. / Hazel: Well, all evil masterminds are easily amused. / Dave: Uuuuh. Okay. You're not going to explain your evil plan now, right? / Hazel: Of course I will! It's too darn fun! / Dave: Damn...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, March 24, 2003||Hazel: Now that I have you three in my clutches, I'll brainwash you into producing some offspring with a little help from my girls here! And in a few years, I'll take over the world with my own army of unstoppable super-powered mutants! / Dave: [[off-panel]] Oh yeah? Well, what makes you think I won't use my laser vision against you? / Hazel: HAHAH! Because you're just too darn nice! Neener neener! / Dave: [[off-panel]] Foiled again by my own morals! / Dave: And so, after some time spent in a dungeon being a biological love slave, they let me go. And that's why I missed classes and stuff. / Professor Dover: But Mike didn't miss any classes. / Dave: Uh, impersonating robot? / Dover: I liked the nunnery story better...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Dave: Look, Mr. Dover...You know I'm a good student. I never miss my classes if not for a good reason. So... / Mr. Dover: Probably. But you also missed a couple of tests. / Dave: I'm only asking for a chance to take them! C'mon, I'll do ANYTHING! / Mr. Dover: Anything? Anything at all? / Dave: Uh...well, I'm sure I'd have to draw the line at some point... / Mr. Dover: You said anything! Yes or no, take it or leave it! / Dave: Eh... / Dave: Whack me over the head repeatedly with this, while shouting "You will do anything!" / Roger: Do I need to tattoo "Keep me out of the S&M stuff" on my forehead or what? / Outside voice: Can I volunteer?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave is holding a baseball bat to his own head when Mike walks in]] / Mike: HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing?? / Dave: Dover blackmailed me into being his assistant. Since I'm everybody's errand boy and Margaret doesn't love me, I have decided to end it all. / Mike: End it all? You are an idiot! / Mike: I'm sorry, but I can't allow you to do this. / Dave: Uh? I didn't think you cared at all... / Mike: Here, if you want to bludgeon yourself, use this canned fruit. And please put my baseball bat where you found it. / Dave: Why don't I just embed it in your skull so it's safer?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, March 27, 2003||[[Dave is sticking his head in an oven]] / Roger: Dave, that oven is never going to get clean if you only use your tongue. / Dave: I'm not cleaning the oven, I'm commiting suicide. Go away. / Roger: Aren't you supposed to be inhaling gas or something? / Dave: I am! / Roger: No, you're not. / Roger: This oven has never worked. I think the valve is bad or something. / Dave: What are you talking about? I can smell it! / Roger: Have you noticed the entire apartment smells like that? / Dave: Aaaw...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, March 28, 2003||[[Mike approaches Dave, who sits at a table covered in jellybeans]] / Mike: Hey, Dave, I need you to... / Dave: Could it wait? First, I gotta kill myself. / Mike: Oh? I could put you out of your misery if you ask nicely. / Dave: No, thanks. I have my own methods. / Mike: MY methods are faster than counting jellybeans to death. / Dave: [[popping a jellybean into his mouth]] I'm not counting them. I'm catching them in my mouth. Hopefully I'll swallow one whole and choke to death *GULP* / Mike: You know, Dave? You give suicide a bad name.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, March 29, 2003||Dave: Off to buy more suicide jellybeans! / Mike: [[off-panel]] Pssch. / Roger: [[off-panel]] Like we care. / Dave: [[thinking]] *siiigh* This is not working at all. I wonder... would I break my skull if I fell down these stairs? / [[Dave covers his eyes and steps forward]] / Dave: [[thinking]] Only one way to find out... / [[Dave is lying on top of Margaret, his head buried between her breasts]] / Margaret: AAAGH! Dave, why the hell don't you watch where you're going??? / Dave: [[thinking]] What a comfy, sexy death...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, March 30, 2003||[[Dave wanders along the street]]
/ Dave: [[thinking]] Maybe I should tell her I did that on purpose! Then she'd kill me...
/ Dave: [[thinking]] Nah. I don't want her to feel guilty. Besides, I doubt she'd smother me in her lap again... / [[Dave is in the store, holding a bag of jellybeans. A sign in the background reads "COMICS". Another customer points an unfriendly gun at the clerk]]
/ Gunman: All right, I'll have all the cash in the register and two super-sized flrrdies! And NO! FUNNY! STUFF!
/ Clerk: [[off-panel]] EEEP! / [[Dave smacks the Gunman in the face with a super-sized lollypop]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, March 31, 2003||[[The Gunman turns his weapon on Dave]] / Gunman: ALL RIGHT! What are you? Local hero of the week, or what? / Dave: [[grinning]] Yeah! What are you gonna do about it? Shoot me? Hehehe... / Gunman: Right! I'll clear your sinuses, you geek! / Dave: Less talking and more bullets! / [[Gunman flees, leaving Dave disappointed]] / Gunman: [[off-panel]] Forget it! I don't need this kind of trouble. I'll just find a store that is not crawling with insane people! Pfeh. / Dave: [[calling after him]] What kind of STUPID assault with a lethal weapon was that??? Come back here and kill me, dammit! / Earl the Clerk: I HATE it when they order flrrdies and leave without them! Well, that'll be $3 for the jellybeans and $4 for the lollypop.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, April 1, 2003||[[Dave smacks Mike upside the head with a sneaker]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, April 2, 2003||Mike: Why do you want to die anyway? Don't you know that chicks are constantly changing their minds about everything?
/ Dave: [[tossing a jellybean into his mouth]] I'm too depressed to care or hope.
/ Mike: You're just being your drama queen usual self. You don't really want to die. / Dave: You better believe it, because Iiii... EUGGGGHHHNNN! GKKGKHH!
/ [[Dave clutches his throat]] / Mike: [[performing the Heimlich Maneuver on Dave]] Hmmph! Hnh! Is it out already? Is it out?
/ Dave: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, April 3, 2003||Dave: [[clutching at his midriff]] Uuugh, Mike. I think you broke my ribs. / Mike: GOOD! I'm glad! And next time you pull a stunt like that, I'm gonna beat you up so badly you'll wish you were ALIVE! / Dave: Why? What's it to you? / Mike: If it was up to ME, I'd stuff a watermelon down your throat. / Mike: Blue wouldn't like it, tho. So you better pull your stupid act together. / Dave: Hhhn. Mike, I don't want to die, but I'm cornered. If you really want to help me, call off the slave thing. I tried, but it's becoming impossible for me... / Mike: Harumph. And what am I supposed to do? / Dave: They'll take your cast off soon. In the meantime, I promise I'll help you whenever I can... / Mike: All right. But you owe me one. / Dave: Thanks. / Roger: Dave and Mike are finally out of the closet and exploring their wild side. Want to be my new roomie? / April: Are you out of your freaking mind? / Roger: I'll take that as a YES.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, April 4, 2003||Roger: April, Dave just whined himself out of his slave deal with Mike, so guess who'll have to do all of his chores! I just HAVE to move! / April: Nope. / Roger: It'll only be temporary! Two or three weeks, while Mike gets out of his cast. C'mon. / April: Nope. / Roger: I'm afraid you have no choice. If you don't agree to be my roomie, I'll have to move in with Diana and Paul, and there's no room for us all. / April: You WOULDN'T. / Roger: I'm sorry, tough life. So you in or out? / April: Damn it! All right. Sheesh... / Roger: [[doing a victory dance]] Woooo! Female roomie! I'll never have to cook or clean again! / April: [[off-panel]] I see you're gonna have a close encounter of the sharp fingernails kind...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||April: There's only one bed! / Roger: Whoa, deja vu. / April: Roger... / Roger: Okay... it shouldn't be a problem. I'm used to sleeping in the bathtub anyway. / April: Thank G... / Roger: So, since I'm used to little space and I barely move in my sleep, you won't even NOTICE I'm there! / April: All riiiight, God... What did I do to you? No, REALLY?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, April 6, 2003||Roger: All right. Big deal. I'll sleep in the bathtub... / April: On second thought, not a good idea. / Roger: Why not? / April: I'm one of those... "midnight goers". / Roger: YEEK! Phobia flashback! Okay, maybe we can get the hot dog man to enlarge your bladder. / April: Or we can get a witch doctor to shrink your head so you fit comfortably in the top drawer. / Roger: Cool! I get the top drawer... but wait, I have a better plan. / [[Mike finds himself sitting on the ground where his couch used to be]] / Mike: Uh, something's MISSING around here...|
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