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|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, May 11, 2003||[[The partially-clad Marsha flees the kitchen, encountering Mike, who has just returned from having his cast removed]] / Marsha: Mike! Mike, thank God you're home! / Mike: Yeah, they took off my cast and... [[registers Marsha's state of undress]] OOOOOOOOOOH. / Marsha: Never mind that! There's a tentacled thing in the kitchen! It took off my blouse, and... / Mike: Sure, honey! Heheheh. We'll have to spank all those naughty tentacled things, right? / Marsha: Mike, think with your BIG head for a moment. Margaret's in trouble! I can't get that tentacled thing off her! / Mike: What, Margaret's involved in this, too??? This is the best off-the-cast gift EVER! / Marsha: MIKE! For the last time, this is NOT about SEX! / Mike: Sex? Who's thinking about sex? It's all about, you know. Love and friendship.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, May 12, 2003||[[Mike, wearing a backpack with attached nozzle, and Marsha re-enter the kitchen.]] / Mike: Stay behind me, Marsh. Liquid nitrogen is very dangerous. / Marsha: Where is Margaret? / Mike: I don't see her. Maybe she managed to run away. / [[They confront the tentacled thing]] / Mike: Ooh my God. Is that thing ugly or what? / Marsha: [[tearing up]] You, you don't think... that she's... / Mike: Don't be silly. We'll look for her later. But first we... / [[A human hand with a knife cuts out of the tentacled thing, suggesting that someone is inside that thing's body]] / <<...URPSLASH!>> / Mike and Marsha: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, May 13, 2003||[[Margaret, wearing only green tentacled-monster slime, confronts Marsha.]]
/ Margaret: Before you ask, Marsha! Yes, I feel peachykeendandy! After all, I've just been eaten by a MONSTER!
/ Marsha: No need to yell. One of the potatoes bit me in the ass, and do you see me making a fuss?
/ [[Meanwhile, Mike calmly sprays the remains of the monster with liquid nitrogen, while pretending he's not looking at the near-nude Margaret]]
/ Mike: [[thinking]] Poit!
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, May 14, 2003||[[Marsha and Mike watch Margaret storm off]] / Marsha: GREAT. Now she's pissed at me, too. / Mike: Well, even if you look really cute in your bra, Marsha, I'm not exactly happy with you right now. / Marsha: My dad is a pro chef. It's in my blood. / Mike: You are so stubborn. You couldn't wait a day, could you? Huh? / Marsha: [[a tear trickling down her cheek]] I always dreamt that maybe someday I would be as good as my dad, but it's just not meant to be. I mean, every time I try to cook, something horrible happens. I guess... I guess I'll just have to give up. / Demonic Mike's Anti-Conscience: Wow! I can't believe it! This is golden! Now is your chance. C'mon, SHE said it! Not you. / Tiny Angelic Mike's Conscience: Okay, I'm not even TOUCHING that one! God, I hate my job. / Mike: [[hugging Marsha from behind, his arms around her midriff]] Hey now, don't say that. We'll just get the proper equipment to clean the kitchen tomorrow and you'll cook, ok? / Marsha: [[smiling]] Aw, Mike... *sniff* / [[Tiny Angelic Mike's Conscience pokes his tongue out at Demonic Mike's Anti-Conscience]] / Demonic Mike's Anti-Conscience: Mmh. Okay, you have a point! But your arms are a little too south.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, May 15, 2003||Marsha: [[pulling on her kitchen-cleaning gloves]] Where are you going? I thought we were going to start right away? / Mike: [[putting on his jacket]] We need Roger's spacesuit. I'll be right back. / Marsha: Hahah! Good one! / Mike: No, really. / Mike: I know you girls killed some stuff, but we haven't even opened the fridge. We have to be prepared. / Marsha: Aaaaw... / Mike: Promise me you won't start without me. / Marsha: All right. / Mike: In the meantime, you can run to the grocery store and buy disinfectant... / Marsha: We have chlorine... / Mike: Not powerful enough! See if they have any molten lava.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, May 16, 2003||[[Mike returns, badly bruised and doubled over in pain]] / Marsha: Oh my GOD! What happened??? / Mike: Uugh. I was... mugged. / Marsha: MUGGED??? I'm gonna call an ambulance! / Mike: NO! No, don't do that. / Mike: I just need to lie down. I'll be fine. / Marsha: [[helping Mike walk]] Who did this to you? / Mike: Dunno. Some guy. / Marsha: Just one??? / Mike: Yeah, but he was built like friggin' Fort Knox. / Marsha: Aaw! Does this mean we're not cleaning the kitchen? / Marsha: [[doing her manga eyes]] I MEAN... just kidding! Heeheeehee! / Mike: You know, Marsh? That trick doesn't work on people who are seeing double...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, May 17, 2003||[[Mike is in bed while Marsha nurses his bruises]] / Mike: Eew! What's that??? / Marsha: Hold still. It's raw meat. It'll make the swelling go down. / Marsha: I still don't understand why you won't go to the police. / Mike: Heh. Marsh, I'm not even sure I was mugged. I have a lot of enemies. / Mike: I'll just find out who it was. Revenge is a dish best served cold. / Mike: Speaking of cold dishes... you didn't put olive oil and garlic on this meat, did you? / Marsha: Aren't your nostrils supposed to be clogged with blood or something?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, May 18, 2003||[[Marsha is beseiged by her Conscience and her Anti-Conscience]] / Marsha's Demonic Anti-Conscience: [[wearing an apron, holding a spatula]] COOK, WOMAN! COOK! / Marsha's Angelic Conscience: You'll have to wait, girl! What's a few more days? / Marsha's Demonic Anti-Conscience: Hell, no! Cook! Clean the damn kitchen and COOK! / Marsha's Angelic Conscience: You can't clean the kitchen without Mike! You promised. And you know how important these things are for him! / Marsha's Demonic Anti-Conscience: I'll go crazy! Don't you understand? CRAZY! / Marsha's Angelic Conscience: All right, sheesh! We'll have to find a way to keep your head cool in the meantime... / Mike: Marsha, why are you putting mustard on my tentacle? / Marsha: It makes bruises heal faster! Why, did you think I was seasoning your tentacle, or something? / Mike: Well, to be honest... / Marsha: SHAME on you!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, May 19, 2003||[[Marsha and Mike stand in a clean kitchen]] / Marsha: Wow! We're finally done! / Mike: You know, I didn't even remember how this place looked anymore! / Marsha: Yeah, we did a fine job. / Marsha: Well, it's all set and ready! / Mike: [[worried]] Maybe if we drive really fast, we can get some groceries and start. / Marsha: Aw, I can't wait either! But on second thought, picking vegetables in a rush is not a very smart move! / Mike: Oh, all right... / [[Mike's Tiny Angelic Conscience holds up a sign reading "On STRIKE"]] / Mike's Demonic Anti-Conscience: I don't recognize you anymore. Whatever happened to self-preservation? / Mike: Don't you know? Love is death by choice.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, May 20, 2003||Mike: [[thinking]] Into the abyss... / Mike: Mmh, Marsha? / Marsha: [[off-panel]] Yes, honey? / Mike: I have been... conflicted this last week, because I don't want to lie to you, but I don't want to hurt your feelings either. / [[Mike faces Marsha in the kitchen, where she is mixing something in a bowl]] / Mike: I mean... I'm not a volunteer at the hospital like I told you. I just go there to get my stomach pumped. / Marsha: What? / Mike: I guess that... what I'm trying to say is that you s-s-suck. / Marsha: WHAT??? / Mike: Really really big time. You have to be the worst cook ever. I swear it on my mother's evil. / [[Mike stands alone in the kitchen, the bowl upturned on his head and brown gunk dripping from it]] / Mike: [[thinking]] Maybe there IS a reason I don't listen to my shoulder angel anymore.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Dover: [[off-panel]] Six letters, "teacher." / Dave: [[doodling on some papers on the desk]] "Tyrant." / Dover: [[off-panel]] C'mon... / Dave: "Mentor." / Dover: [[off-panel]] Oh, yeah. / Dave: Can I go HOME now, sir? / Dover: [[a crossword tucked under his arm]] Are you done with those tests? / Dave: You mean like drooling over them? Yeah. / Dover: All right. You look tired, so I'll let you off the hook for now. You can finish these tomorrow. / Dover: [[off-panel]] Now let's see... "Life". / Dave: [[leaving]] "Hell?" / Dover: [[off-panel]] Heheh... five letters. / Dave "Hades," then.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, May 22, 2003||[[Dave returns home, exhausted after a day doing tests]] / Dave: [[thinking]] What a day. I only want to drink a glass of water and go straight to bed. / Dave: [[thinking]] I only hope I don't run into her while she's doing that stretchy bendy stuff. / Dave: [[thinking]] I hope I don't run into her, period. / [[Dave meets Margaret in the kitchen, where she's wiping dishes]] / Dave: Why... WHY is your shirt... / Margaret: What? Ah, it's the stupid faucet! There's a bit of a leak on the front... and Marsha took her apron with her. / [[Margaret turns, revealing that the front of her shirt is transparent with water]] / Dave: Yes, I knew something like this would happen. And I bet there's a large anvil with my name on it somewhere, too. / Margaret: You don't look too good. Have you been hanging around Steve and Waldo, or something?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, May 23, 2003||[[Dave is trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep]] / Dave: [[thinking]] I can't go on like this! I have to get some sleep! / Dave: [[thinking]] I'm not gonna think about her! I'm not gonna think about ANYTHING! / <<*purrrrrrr*>> / Dave: [[thinking]] What the...? / [[Dave wanders into Margaret's room. Margaret is blissfully asleep (nude, as is her wont). Chester is curled up in the bed with her. Dave looks on miserably.]] / Chester: <<*purrrrrrr*>> / Dave: <<*twitch*>>|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, May 24, 2003||[[Dave is trying to convince Chester to get out of Margaret's bed]]
/ Dave: (Chester, you're NOT helping! Get out of there, c'mon!)
/ Dave: (Fine, I'll get you out. You stupid cat.)
/ [[Chester pokes his tongue out at Dave]] / [[Dave starts trying to get Chester out of the bed.]]
/ Dave: [[thinking]] Damn...
/ Chester: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, May 25, 2003||[[Dave confronts an angry Margaret]]
/ Dave: All right, so I'm not sleepwalking! I was just trying to keep Chester from bothering you!
/ Margaret: He doesn't bother me! He can sleep with me if he wants!
/ Dave: Well, what... what if I know he sleeps better with ME?
/ Margaret: I doubt it! You toss and turn and mumble so much, I don't think the poor thing has slept in a week!
/ Chester: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave stumbles in as Margaret drinks coffee]] / Margaret: Morning, Dave. / Dave: Mrn. / Dave: We're all out of Munchie Crackos so if you have the chance to go to the store today, um... / Dave: Eehmm... / Margaret: "Margaret." / Dave: Margaret, right! I knew it started with an M. So...uh, I keep forgetting. / Margaret: I don't know what Dover's doing to you, but you should just flunk.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, May 27, 2003||Margaret: You're going already?
/ Dave: [[seriously overtired]] Yeah, I have to drop this book off at the library. I think...
/ Margaret: Could you make some popcorn before you go?
/ Dave: Sure, why not. / [[Dave employs his laservision into the bowl of corn.]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, May 28, 2003||[[A hobbit-hole. Frodave, a hobbit who looks much like Dave, sits before the fire.]] / Gandover: [[off-panel]] Frodave, I have a very dangerous, important mission for you. / Frodave: Yeah, yeah, Gandover. But why does it have to be ME? I'm busy. I have to put conditioner on my feet, and... / Gandover: [[off-panel]] Because you're below the eye-level of the Nazgul, and because I own your butt. / [[Gandover, a mighty wizard who looks much like Professor Dover, hands over a ring]] / Gandover: Now listen carefully. This is the ONE ring. Everybody wants its power, and they will shred you to confetti if they know you have it. / Frodave: Um, thanks. But I'll settle for one from the gumball machine. / [[Meanwhile, back in reality, the sleep-deprived Dave is holding an envelope and talking to Dover...]] / Dave: Right. Take this thing to Mordor, throw it into Mount Doom. / Dover: No, I said you give it to Mr. Murdock, or his secretary, Miss Bloom. / Dave: Destroy it. Gotcha. / Dover: Let's start over.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, May 29, 2003||Roger: [[loudly]] Hey Dave, is it true you're carrying the final calculus test in that envelope? / Dave: SHHHHH!! / Dave: Don't get any funny ideas. It's for the 4th semester guys. How did you find out? / Roger: I eavesdrop a lot. / Dave: So everybody else knows? Great. / Roger: Just about everybody. / Dave: Damn. / [[In Middle-Earth, Frodave is approached by a hobbit who looks just like Roger]] / Roger-Hobbit: The land of Mordor, where the shadows lie! Can I join??? / Frodave: Sure, I could use the anti-missile chaff... er, company.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, May 30, 2003||[[Roger and Dave, carrying the calculus test, are spotted by some Brutish College Students]] / Brutish College Student: [[off-panel]] There he is! / Another Brutish College Student: [[off-panel]] Hands off, it's MINE! / A Third Brutish College Student: [[off-panel]] Take no prisoners! / [[In Middle-Earth, Frodave and Roger-Hobbit are being chased by Dark Riders]] / Roger-Hobbit: Frodave! Use the light of Eärendil on them! / Frodave: I would, but it ran out of batteries! / Roger-Hobbit: What about Sting? / Frodave: What do you think, that I carry all my CDs everytime I go on a deadly quest???|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, May 31, 2003||[[In Middle-Earth, a hooded figure resembling Margaret watches as some hobbits are menaced by orcs.]] / Orc: [[off-panel]] Very well, Shorty. Hand it over. / Frodave: [[off-panel]] Who, me? Hand what? / Second Orc: [[off-panel]] We know you have it. So give it up. / Frodave: [[off-panel]] Uum... never? / [[Back in reality, Dave and Roger are being menaced by some fourth-semester calculus students, who tower over them]] / Brutish College Student: We just want the test. Give it to me and we'll let you go. / Dave: Right, and I get in major trouble for not delivering it. Forget it. / Brutish College Student: You'll deliver it, after we Xerox it. Gimme. / Roger: Leave us alone before we get all crazy ninja on you. / Margaret: [[off-panel]] Right. Leave them alone. C'mon. / Brutish College Student: Why, if it's the tomboy! This has nothing to do with you, so bug off. / Margaret: [[popping her knuckles]] Are you sure? I only ask for things nicely ONCE. After that, it's all Pain City. / <<*crack*>> / Brutish College Student: I don't care if you're the toughest chick on the crochet team. Go jump rope like a good girl, or else. / [[Back in Middle-Earth, Frodave and Roger-Hobbit take cover as a vicious fight erupts]] / Maragorn: [[off-panel]] Read my SHIRE, son of an Uruk-HAI! / Orc: [[off-panel]] AAAGH! / Roger-Hobbit: I don't trust her! How do we know she's not after the Ring too? / Frodave: Shh. She's kicking butt...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, June 1, 2003||Dave: I appreciate the help, but I can take care of myself, you know... / Roger: Pssch! Yeah, right. / Margaret: I don't care! I'm not gonna let them steal the final and ace it, so they can raise the bar for US next year! / Margaret: Like it or not, I'll be your bodyguard until you deliver that envelope. / [[In Middle-Earth...]] / Frodave: Have you noticed how little respect we hobbits get? / Roger-Hobbit: You mean like, tall people sending us to do their quests, and making us sit at the little table? / Maragorn: Hey, shut up and walk, you pocket-sized hero rejects!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, June 2, 2003||[[The Fellowship of the Ring has encountered some mountains]] / Maragorn: Hey, who put a mountain there? / Frodave: The pass is closed! We can't get to the other side: / Legolapril: Great. Where do I have to hide so I won't run into you, short-stuff? / Roger-Hobbit: Why don't you take a long walk off Helm's Deep, Legolapril? / [[Back in reality, Dave, Roger and Margaret have met April outside Murdock's office]] / April: You guys are wasting your time. Murdock left for the day, I saw him in the parking lot. / Margaret: Bolts! Well, let's go home. / Dave: [[brandishing his envelope]] WHAT? What am I supposed to do with this thing? / Margaret: Deliver it tomorrow? / Dave: I'm gonna get murdered in my bed for it! / Margaret: You don't even sleep!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, June 3, 2003||Dave: Ooh, THERE he is!
/ Margaret: Wait, Dave, he's speaking to someone...
/ Dave: I don't care! I'm gonna tell him where to stick it! / [[In Middle-Earth, Gandover is confronting the Balrog]]
/ Gandover: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, June 4, 2003||[[Night in Middle-Earth. Frodave keeps watch over a fire...]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, June 5, 2003||[[College. Dave, envelope in hand, heads toward the Gents'...]] / Dave: I have to do something. I'll be right back. / Margaret: Roger, go with him. / Roger: Why? I don't feel like it! / Margaret: Because I can't go in there! And hurry up, we're almost done. / [[In Middle-Earth...]] / Frodave: So, how's it going? / Roger-Hobbit: Terrible! My Palantir was stolen, and I'm living with an elf of pointy ears and knuckles! / Frodave: Too bad. And I'm not doing a lot better. / Roger-Hobbit: Aw, man. Bad performance. It happens to everybody, or so I've heard. / Frodave: Yay. / [[Frodave and Roger-Hobbit turn to leave, and each is seized by a large, orc-purple hand]] / Frodave: Okay, okay! We're done here. Sheesh, there's enough space for everybody! / Roger-Hobbit: Well, it's a good thing I DID go...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, June 6, 2003||[[An orc interrogates Frodave, the light glinting from its dagger's point...]]
/ Orc: Very well, maggot. Where is the Ring?
/ Frodave: Uuuh... it was destroyed. I'm back from Mount Doom, and...
/ Orc: Halfling scum! We have spies. We know you still have it with you, so hand it over before I cut you into two quarterlings! / [[The orc's head is severed by a single sweep of the blade held by Boromike]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, June 7, 2003||Frodave: Are you following me, Boromike? / Boromike: Perceptive little hobbit! There is a large orc army gathering near Mount Doom, hoping to intercept you. / Frodave: An ARMY? I'll never be able to get past them. / Boromike: Exactly. But I gathered a group of our own people. We hope to distract the enemy while the Ring is destroyed. / Frodave: It's not gonna work. / Boromike: I know, but what else is left to do? / Boromike: Wait a minute, Mr. Joggings! I have an idea! Everybody's looking for you! So if you give me the Ring, *I* can destroy it! They'll never know I have it! / Frodave: Wow. Would you do that, Boromike? This is such a heavy burden! Everybody wants to smash your face in! / Boromike: Sure! You have done enough already! Gimme! / [[Back in reality, Dave flees, the envelope tucked under his wing]] / Dave: Yeah, right! Like I'm gonna fall for THAT! / Mike: [[off-panel]] Wait! We'll split the profit! 80/20! / Dave: See ya! / Mike: [[off-panel]] 70/30! Hey, no running! Not fair!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, June 8, 2003||[[Dave, his clothing tattered, is in Dover's office]] / Dover: Holy Gauss! What happened to you? / Dave: Oh! Nothing. I just delivered the test while the whole four semester class tried to kill me to steal it, and all the first-year class tried to kill THEM. / Dover: Wait a minute. You actually DELIVERED the test without it being stolen??? / Dave: YES. / Dover: Unbelievable! It gets stolen every year! / Dave: WHAT??? / Dover: Yeah! That's why I make an incredibly long test. It forces them to learn everything anyway. / Dave: [[leaning forward, his finger drilling the air]] I can't believe this. You made me think this was important! I even risked my physical integrity for it! / Dover: [[leaning back, unconcerned, sucking on a pencil]] Indeed! Well, I'm sure I can compensate you... / Dave: COMPENSATE??? Okay, that does it. I don't care if I flunk. I QUIT! / Dover: You didn't do too well in those tests, you know... but what if I just fix you up with a B+? / Dave: You can take your B+ and STUFF IT UP YOUR... what? / Mike: Well, you're coming out of Dover's office with your clothes torn up and smiling. It THAT is not a confirmation... / Dave: Say what you want, freak. I don't care! 'Cause I'm the B+ man! / Mike: I'd have asked for an A+, but whatever...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||April:Why is that rock CRUSHING my fresh donuts??? / Roger:That's an interesting question! My theory is that fluffy likes to sit on warm things probably because it's reminiscent of his mother, the lava. / April:Roger? / Roger:Yeah? / April:Stop pretending fluffy's alive. It's very annoying. / Roger:Uh? Pretending? / April:Right. or i'll have to demonstrate to you it's not. / Roger:It's mineral life form, April. Don't you remember your high school biology course? / Roger:NOOOO!!!|
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