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|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, November 29, 2004||Mike's Mom: [[to Dave]] What happened to you, young man? / Mike: We were involved in a car accident, and... / Mike's Mom: I'm sure he can answer his own questions, Mike. / Mike: But he can't. [[indicates the bandages around Dave's head]] He's temporarily deaf, see. In a few days... / Mike's Mom: Really? Aw, poor thing. So why did you bring him here, so he can check out the luxurious castle of the little heiress? / [[Dave keeps a straight face, but blushes]] / Mike's Mom: It's a miracle! He suddenly can hear. I should charge for the medicine, don't you think? / Mike: [[thinking]] *groan* Be patient with the n00b, Mike... be patient with the n00b...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, November 30, 2004||Dave: [[severely ticked off]] What the HELL??? Did you hear what she said? I don't have to stand around and take this! I... / Mike: [[leading him away]] Suppress your righteous anger and get out while you're still attached to your ass, Dave. / Dave: I don't know who the Hell she thinks she is, but... / Mike: You're out of your league, young Padawan. Let me handle this! / Mike: Are you DONE insulting my guests, Ma? I guess this is why I don't visit much. / Mike's Mom: It depends. Are you done lying to me, Mike? or are we going to play a bit more? / Mike: Did it ever cross your mind I might have a good reason to lie? / Mike's Mom: Like a fondness for claustrophobia? My imagination is not that wild...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, December 1, 2004||Mike: Ma. I'm gonna tell you. But I made a promise not to tell, so please consider that, okay? Uh... Dad suffered a heart attack. / Mike's Mom: WHAT??? / Mike: He's okay. But... he says it happened because he found out somehow... that you're going to marry someone. / Mike's Mom: Oh... my. / Mike: Is it true? / Mike's Mom: Well... yes. But it just happened... / Mike: Ah. Okay. It's none of my business. BUT. He doesn't want you to know he knows about it. So he asked me to say something else. / Mike's Mom: And what is that? / Mike: He made up a totally ridiculous story about how he discovered I'm gay and THAT caused him the heart attack. / Mike's Mom: Okay, *I* don't buy it. You would never agree to something like that. / Mike: Yeah, the story was that I was so angry at him for believing I'm gay, I "admitted" it just to spite him. See?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, December 2, 2004||[[Dave and Mike are on a balcony.]] / Dave: Sheesh, Mike. You're gonna need a chart to keep up with that convoluted lie... / Mike: Bah, this is nothing. And it's not a lie. Call it an imaginative look at reality. Besides, I don't care. It's my story and I'm sticking to it for now, until the rules change. Dig? / Dave: You people are so complicated! Why don't you just tell her the truth? Nothing that has already happened is your fault! / Mike: You just don't get it, Dave. I know what I'm doing. / Dave: I didn't even KNOW you guys had this much money until I came here. I have never even thought about it... / Mike: Okay. See? THAT is your problem. My mother was looking for your buttons. And now that she found them, she will push them EVERYTIME. / Dave: I'm a decent guy. So what if my socks have a hole or two? I'm... just as good as ANYONE else. Right? / Mike: Dave, I have seen your socks. They ARE a hole. Or two.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, December 3, 2004||Dave: You just don't GET it, Mike! I don't care about your mother. But I'm realizing... Blue and me. We come from totally different worlds. / Dave: How is she gonna relate to my duct-taped shoes? All my life I have been skipping meals. Getting beat-up by kids with rich and powerful parents... and, and APOLOGIZING for it. You just don't know how it is! / Mike: You're making a storm out of a molehill. How can this be worse than my Mom? / Dave: I... I don't know if I can take that anymore. I thought it was behind me. I thought things would be different... / Mike: Money is not that important, Dave. You're exaggerating. / Dave: Sure, YOU ca say that. Money is not a big deal when you have LOTS of it, Mike. / Mike: Maybe you're right. But believe me, for Blue and for me, money is just a LEASH. She just doesn't care. / Dave: I dunno. I would like her to be proud of me. How is that EVER gonna happen? / Mike: Stop thinking about it, man. You have too little faith in mankind, don't you? / Dave: Where's Roger, anyway? / Mike: I have NO idea.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, December 6, 2004||[[Dave and Mike are on the balcony.]]
/ Mike: This is completely USELESS. You could moan until the end of time and it won't change a thing.
/ Dave: I'm not too sure about that. I feel insulted by all this, and I don't know if I can just leave it like that, you know?
/ Mike: [[going indoors]] Dave, we go home tomorrow. Stop thinking about it and go to sleep.
/ Dave: In a minute, okay? Geez. I'm too poor to have a nanny, and I certainly don't want one for free! / [[Dave sits alone on the balcony. A scrap of fabric -- shaped suspiciously like some frilly underwear -- lands on his head.]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, December 9, 2004||Mike's Mom: Aw, what's the hurry? Stay for lunch at least! / Mike: We'd absolutely love to, but we have classes. See you, Ma. / Mike's Mom: Well. Come back anytime. I'm sure we'll all be delighted. I can give your friend a special tour, too! / Dave: Hum! / [[Dave turns to confront Mike's mom]] / Dave: Before I leave, I just want to say you're the WORST person I have ever met, and the fact that you're filthy rich doesn't mean I have to take your insults. / Mike's Mom: It doesn't? Aw. Well, I have just one question. What are you gonna DO about it? / Dave: I could insult you back. But I have received a very different education. All your money can't buy you some decency. / Mike: [[pulling on Dave's arm]] Uh, Dave, we're gonna be late for your lobotomy...! / Mike's Mom: Well said, Mr. Jones. Maybe it's time I give you another chance. I apologize, and... wait a minute... / [[Mike's mom holds aloft a set of frilly underwear]] / Mike's Mom: Hello, hello! What's this in your pocket, Mr. Jones? / Mike's Mom: Does your mother know you carry ladies' underwear everywhere? / Mike's Mom: Maybe I should call her and tell her! For the sake of DECENCY! / Dave and Mike: [[thinking]] SH#T!!!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, December 10, 2004||Dave: Hey, leave my mother out of this! / Mike's Mom: Why would I? I'm the worst person in the Universe, remember? / Dave: Uh... I take it back! There, I never said it! / Mike's Mom: No, I think I actually LIKE that title! But tell me why you bought panties and maybe I'll reconsider. / Dave: I didn't buy them! They are not mine! / Mike's Mom: You didn't buy them? Then what, you stole them? I never even thought you could be a thief, Mr. Jones! / Dave: I am... NOT... a thief. / Mike's Mom: You walk out my hour with something you didn't buy. Explain. / Dave: S-someone... gave them to me. / Mike's Mom: And WHO would THAT be? / Dave: I... I... / Mike: Aw, for God's sake, Ma. Leave him alone. I gave them to him. / Mike's Mom: That seems like a fascinating story, Michael. I want to hear it. / Mike: Oh, all right. You see, he wants to join a frat. One of the things he has to do is keep that thing in his pocket, and anywhere he sees one of the frat guys he has to wave it around, hollering like an idiot. / Mike's Mom: Well, that is stupid. / Mike: Yeah, pretty much. / Mike's Mom: [[ruffling Mike's hair]] You make me very proud, Michael. You're almost as good as me, did you know that? You only need to be hardened. So you use your skills only when it's worth it. / Mike: I wish I KNEW what you're talking about, Ma. / Mike's Mom: Never mind, honey. Take care. As for THESE, I think I'll just put them back in my drawer, where they belong. Don't you think? / Mike: ...yyyeah. See you, Ma. / Mike: Let's just take our writing and foaming elsewhere, Dave. / Dave: [[green]] I... I am SO... gonna be SICK. / Mike: No, you're SO gonna be DEAD...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, December 13, 2004||Mike's Mom: Ah, Thadeus. You missed some good carnage! And some quite interesting revelations, too... / Thadeus: Revelations, Madame? I thought you were only having fun... / Mike's Mom: I ALWAYS have fun! But it was also a test. I am quite satisfied... / Mike's Mom: You see, Mike slipped yesterday. He said Harry had a heart attack because he found out I'm engaged. But Harry has known my engagement was imminent for some time now! / Mike's Mom: Even more so, last night I had a talk with Harry, and he seems CONVINCED that Mike is gay! And you know what's funny? / Thadeus: What? / Mike's Mom: I checked my tracking data, and Michael and the Jones kid have been going EVERYWHERE together! / Thadeus: Um. So you think...? / Mike's Mom: THAT was the test, Thadeus. That was the test.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, December 14, 2004||Mike's Mom: Pfft! Thadeus, Michael's not gay. You have to be smarter than Harry... he could only jump to one conclusion! / Thadeus: Is there another explanation? / Mike's Mom: There are many, but I was suspecting it was just a deep friendship. You know Michael... he's so sentimental! / Thadeus: And is it not, Madame? / Mike's Mom: Just a while ago I inflicted a crushing humiliation on the Jones kid, and Michael didn't stop me. He only did it when he thought Blue was on the line. / Mike's Mom: It seems obvious now that Michael's just pretending to be a close friend of David, only to keep a very close eye on him! / Mike's Mom: He even brought him here with H'astur knows what excuse, knowing too well that the poor schmuck would be horribly intimidated by our wealth. / Mike's Mom: In short, Thadeus, he's doing my job! I have to say I am impressed! / Thadeus: Where are we going, Madame? / Mike's Mom: We're going to visit Harry! Also, we're preparing a reward for my boy, and upsetting dying people for kicks! / Thadeus: Should I bring your Queen CDs? / Mike's Mom: Oh Thedeus, you know me too well.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Mike is driving Dave away from his family home]] / Mike: Shall we continue, or do you have any internal organs left? / Dave: Let's go. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling sick anyway. I feel... oh, I just can't say it. / Mike: Like my mother shafted you and then left you to die? / Dave: How am I ever gonna be able to... get this off me, Mike? How will I ever forget it? / Mike: Hopefully, you won't. I should be angry at you, Dave, but I remember a time when I believed too, that I could stand up to my mother. Consider yourself lucky. YOU can stay away / Dave: So that's your solution? I suppose it's easy for you to say it. I would only have to give up on Blue! / Mike: No. I'm not saying that. And even less now, when it seems that I might not... / Dave: What? / Mike: Never mind. / Dave: Just say it, Mike, and let's get it over with. You think I'd better just leave her alone. / Mike: No, I'm not telling you what to do. You and Blue will make that decision. / Mike: The only thing I want you to be aware, Dave, is that this not a game. You're not Archie trying to decide between Betty and Veronica. This is very REAL, and very SERIOUS. / Mike: Remember this day. If you choose to stay with Blue, you have to be willing to lose EVERYTHING. / Mike: Your life, your dignity, and probably your balls, too.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Mike and Dave are standing in front of a brick wall]]
/ Dave: I don't believe it. After all we've been to get home, now you don't want to get in???
/ Mike: Actually... yeah. I don't feel ready yet. I'm going for a walk... I need to be alone for a while.
/ Dave: Enjoy. I'll be inside scrubbing myself with lye and a metal brush.
/ Mike: Yeah, have fun. / [[Mike slopes off, his hands in his pockets. A shadow sweeps over him.]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Marsha is sitting on Mike's shoulders, strangling him with her legs]]
/ Mike: UGH! Marsha??? How did you get up there? What the...?
/ Marsha: *I* am the one doing the questions here, cutie pie! Where the HELL have you been? You kissed a girl!
/ Mike: It was not a girl!
/ Marsha: AHA! A guy? That's even worse! CHEATER!
/ Mike: She was a mermaid! And you dumped me!
/ Marsha: That's your excuse??? How come I haven't been around kissing guys and mermaids? HUH? / [[Mike struggles under the weight. A pole is in the foreground.]]
/ Mike: Marsh, stop choking me! I can't keep my balance!
/ Marsha: Not until you tell me everything! Where were you while I was stuck here mutating and commiting suicide? HUH? Having the time of your life, I bet!
/ Mike: ACK! I was captured and experimented on by guys in footy pijamas! Let me go!
/ Marsha: Is that so? You look quite healthy and TANNED to me!
/ Mike: GGHWoman, I DIED! Ask the guys and if I'm lying, I'll... / [[Black frame. Lots of stars]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Mike and Marsha are sitting on the ground, against a wall]]
/ Marsha: Are you really hurt, Mike, or is this one of your "Guilt Works" tricks?
/ Mike: Ugh! No, I'm fine. Boy, what a brain rattler...
/ Marsha: So, can we start talking or not?
/ Mike: Sure we can, anytime... / [[Mike notices Marsha's bat-wings]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave enters the room and April smiles at him.]] / April: Hey, you're back! Where's Mike? And what's with the ear bandage? / Dave: Well, it's a long story. I was on this evil base under the sea, and... / April: We have been worried about you guys! Where's Mike? / Dave: He's around. We're fine, I guess, although we don't know about Roger... / April: So, where's Mike? / [[April is looking worried now]] / Dave: April, are you even LISTENING to what I'm saying? I don't KNOW where Mike is. / April: Mike's missing??? / Dave: No, Roger is missing. Mike is around, somewhere... / April: So they're both missing? / Dave: Uh... no. / April: Ah! Right. So, where's Mike? / Dave: He's... off in Sweden. Marrying Roger. / April: AAAGH! I KNEW IT!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave and April are talking in the living room]] / Dave: Where's Margaret? I thought today was the day she practices with nunchakus... / April: Oh yeah, about that. Uh, WELL. She's not here, I'm afraid. She just... disappeared. / Dave: What, do you mean she doesn't live here anymore? / April: Uh, no. She just vanished. She ran off to the woods to prepare for the incoming Apocalypse. / Dave: WHAT? You have to be kidding! / April: Mmh. Okay, so maybe she didn't. We THINK she ran off to the woods, but the truth is, we don't know. She's been missing since last week. / Dave: But why did she run away? What happened??? / April: Aw, who knows? You know how she blames herself for everything anybody... uh, that happens. / April: We were hoping that when you guys came back, you'd help us finding her. / Dave: Good God... but I haven't even had a chance to SIT DOWN. / April: Yeah, I wanted to save you the trouble of getting up again.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave and April are in the living room]]
/ April: I can't believe it. Of all the people in the world! I don't get it.
/ Dave: Yeah, I guess I was the guy who'd drop everything and run off to save Margaret the moment she needed me.
/ April: Then what happened to you?
/ Dave: I realized she doesn't need me. EVER.
/ April: So what, are you just going to abandon her there? God... / Dave: Look, April. I have TWO bullet wounds, and I NEED to take it easy. Roger is missing too, and we need him to look for Margaret. Can we wait for the weekend, at least?
/ April: Aw. Alright, then. Here, at least take your stupid cat with you.
/ [[April hands a black cat to Dave]] / [[The cat slashes at Dave]]
/ cat: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Mike is examining Marsha's bat-wings]] / Marsha: So, what do you think? They're completely gross, aren't they? / Mike: I wouldn't call them "gross." They are covered by some sort of very short peach fuzz, and they're quite soft. / Marsha: So what would you call them? / Mike: I don't know. I'm kind of scared. / Marsha: I don't blame you. I'm a horrific monster now. / Mike: No, no. You're not getting it at ALL. I... feel like one of those monkeys in "2001: Space Odissey." / Marsha: [[annoyed]]Wait a minute. You're thinking about sex, aren't you? / Mike: [[eyes wide in wonder]] My God... it's full of POTENTIAL.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[April is listening at the door, smiling]]
/ April: ???!!! / [[Mike begins entering panel]]
/ April: Eee-heeey! They told me you were... / [[Mike and Marsha, Marsha hanging off of him, kissing, bump into April. Mike's shirt is flung off]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Margaret is lying on the ground, wrapped in a blanket of some kind.]] / Roger: [[off-frame]] Hey. / Roger: [[off-frame]] Hey, wake up. / Roger: [[off-frame]] Here, have your clothes. / [[Margaret awakens and grabs clothes.]] / Margaret: Where were they? / Roger: [[off-frame]] They were hung up to dry. Hurry up. / Margaret: What? / Roger: [[off-frame]] Get dressed. I'm taking you to the road. You can hitchhike from there. / [[Margaret is now dressed and standing. Roger is in werecoyote form]] / Roger: ALWAYS the badass. You didn't have to get up, I was going to carry you. / Margaret: You're not going to carry me anywhere. I'm walking / Roger: Why are you so stubborn? It's a long way to the road, you know. And you can barely stand up. / Margaret: Who cares about the road? I'm not going back, Roger.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Margaret and Roger are talking in the woods. Margaret is in pain. Roger is a werecoyote]] / Roger: So you don't want to go back? You're an idiot. That leg of yours is going to get infected. Besides, how are you going to hunt? A lame predator? That's not gonna work. / Margaret: SSsshut up. I killed your mother. So, hhhffhn, what do you CARE? HUH? / Roger: I don't care. But Dave's still my friend, and he's probably the only person who still cares about you. So I'm doing it for him. / Margaret: Oh yeah. Well. / Margaret: F#@% Dave. / [[Margaret points a bloody finger at Roger]] / Margaret: And f#@% YOU. / [[Margaret walks off]] / Roger: [[thinking]] *sigh*|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave is at Diana's door]]
/ Dave: Diana, where is my cat???
/ Diana: Uh? Marsha took it, I...
/ Dave: The girls have a cat, but it's NOT Chester! What happened?
/ Diana: I... don't know... listen, come in and we'll talk, I'm cooking something... / [[Dave sits on the sofa as Paul walks in]]
/ Diana: [[off-frame]] I'll be with you in a minute, Dave!
/ Dave: Sure, no problem.
/ Paul: Heey, Dave!
/ Dave: Oh, hi... Paul... Uh... / [[Dave zaps Paul with his laser vision]]
/ Dave: ROWWR.
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave and Diana are standing over Paul's prone body]] / Diana: OhmyGOD! Paul, are you okay? Dave, what happened? / Dave: Wow... I haven't the SLIGHTEST idea why I did that. / Diana: WHAT? / [[Dave is now outside the apartment]] / Dave: OUCH! Well, I said I was sorry! And I'm not looking for a cat with nine tails, either!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave is entering his apartment]] / Dave: [[thinking]] *SIGH* I only hope Chester's okay. Maybe if he senses I'm home, he'll come back. Anyway, I can't keep on looking now, I have to get to cl.... / [[Dave's eyes widen and he blushes]] / Dave: [[thinking]] ...ass? / Marsha: [[off-panel]] AAAAGH! / Mike: [[off-panel]] Man! Can we have some PRIVACY, HERE??? / Dave: [[clutching his eyes]] Oh my stinking Cthulhu! MY EYES! MY EEEEYES! / Mike: [[off-panel]] Aw c'mon, like it's the first time you saw it... / Dave: My brain! MY BRAAAIN!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Mike and Dave are in the bedroom. Mike is shirtless. Dave is covering his eyes]] / Mike: [[zipping his pants]] WE should be upset, not you. / Dave: Look, just give me my stuff so I can go to class... / Mike: OK, geez. I'll get your backpack... / [[Dave, still not looking, grabs Mike's tentacle instead of the backpack, looks shocked]] / Mike: Heh! No, that's not it. / [[Dave runs out of frame with his backpack]] / Dave: GRAAAAHH! / Mike: [[thinking]] And if THAT doesn't teach you to knock on the freaking door...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave is banging on April's apartment door with his left hand]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Mike's mother is visiting his Mike's father in the hospital]] / Mike's Dad: I was wondering when you'd show up to point and laugh at the dying... / Mike's Mom: Heh! no, I already laughed all the way here. Harry, I'm here to talk about Michael. / Mike's Dad: So you have a plan? Good. Where were you while your son turned gay? / Mike's Mom: I was at home. Being a woman. See what happens when male teenagers don't have a father figure? Mmmmmmh? / Mike's Dad: Right, so now it's my fault. Excuse me, but I haven't done a single gay thing in my life. / Mike's Mom: How can he tell? You never spend time with him. / Mike's Dad: What are you getting at? / Mike's Mom: Spring break, Harry. He was going to spend it with me. But I am willing to make a sacrifice. Just so he can see you in action.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Marsha and Mike embrace in bed]] / Marsha: I missed you. Doid you miss me? / Mike: God, you have NO idea. / Marsha: Why do we ever fight? We're so stupid. / Mike: You're not stupid. *I* am stupid. / Marsha: If you're stupid, then I'm stupid. / Mike: No, you're... / [[Marsha is pinning Mike to the bed, and not in a seductive way]] / Marsha: OhmyGOD MIKE I am so FREAKING STUPID!!! / Mike: If... if you say so... / [[Dave is entering the classroom, approaching his professor]] / Professor: Ah, we're so lucky to finally be blessed with your delightful presence, Dave. Here, take your test and start sweating. / Dave: *****************. / Professor: I don't know what that means, but I'm sure I should feel flattered.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave is in class, having just received a test from his professor]] / Dave: I... actually didn't know we were having a test. / Professor: Well, if you actually attended classes you would. Now, don't make one of your increasingly embarrassing scenes... / Dave: No, of course not. Say what happens if I fail this test? / Professor: Let's just say that if you do, don't bother showing up for the midterm. / Dave: Right. Well, only one thing to do, it seems. / Professor: Yes. Start writing already. / [[Dave is lying face-up on the ground, his tongue hanging out]] / Professor: [[thinking]] Or you could just DIE...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Mike and Marsha run into the classroom. Dave is lying unconscious on the ground. Professor Dover is waiting for them. On the blackboard is written "Life's Hard, get used to it, so don't come crying to me."]] / Mike: We're HERE! We're here for the test! / Dover: Whoops! Just in time for my lunch. Sorry, next time try showing up two hours earlier... / [[Dave is helped up by Marsha]] / Mike: C'mon, Mr. Dover! Cut us some slack... We didn't know about the test, and, and we had some ugly accidents, and... / Dover: Well, where are your medical excuses? / Mike: We'll get them! Promise... / Dover: That's fine, that should justify your absence from class. You STILL missed the test. / Mike: Aw, come on! / Dave: I... I have my medical excuse... fffor missing the test... / Dover: Can't wait to hear it. / Dave: Maybe because I was lying UNCONSCIOUS on the freaking floor, you MORON! / Dover: Cry me a large body of water and then read my blackboard, Dave.|
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