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College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Dave is sitting, face-down on a desk. Mike and Marsha are present]] / Mike: Way to go, Dave. Just when Dover was about to surrender to my superior intellect and crushing arguments... / Dave: *sob* What's the point? I'm flunking and losing my scholorship. / Mike: Aw, we're not flunking. I'll find a way. / Dave: You don't know Dover like I do. He's ruthless. / Mike: Yeah, but compared to my mother, he's a fluffy bunny. / Dave: Yeah, a fluffy bunny with a switchblade. / Marsha: I have faith in you. I think we should go home and rethink our strategy. / Mike: Yeah, I agree. Three or four times, maybe. / Marsha: Remember we need to go to the drugstore. / Dave: No one is having a worse day than me. / Mike: AND the hardware store. / Dave: NO ONE... / [[Margaret is walking through a dimly red-lit cave]]
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Margaret falls face-down in the woods]] / <> / [[A snake is coiled around a tree, watching her]] / Margaret: Heeey. Stanny... I was wondering when you'd show up... / Satan Snake: If you wanted to see me so badly, Margaret, there are toll-free invocations... / Margaret: Naw, I just wanted to see the look in your scaly face... / Satan Snake: Sss? / Margaret: I'm dying, snake. Game's over. / Margaret: Whatever you want from me... you won't get it now.
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Margaret is lying on her back in the woods, talking to a snake]] / Satan Snake: You know, Margaret, you could have saved yourself a lot of time. There are plenty of tall buildings, poison, weapons... / Margaret: Never by my own hand, snake. I'll let God judge my life, but I'm not giving you my soul in a silver tray. / Satan Snake: Sss. Heh. Well, there will be plenty of time for you to curse your Judge later. / Margaret: Think I believe you own my soul? / Margaret: You're a pretty pathetic liar. / Satan Snake: I don't lie, Margaret. I don't need to. / Margaret: When you told me you could save Dave if I made a deal with you... / Margaret: ... you were lying. My friends were on the way. You just saw the chance of taking the credit. But you were lying. You couldn't save him. / Satan Snake: I'm the Prince of this World. I can do anything. / Margaret: Then save ME. If I'm so important to you, save my life. / Margaret: Either you can't, or you don't want to. Either way I WIN.
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Margaret is lying, dying, in the woods, talking to a snake. Margaret has her hand wrapped around the snake's neck.]] / Satan Snake: Sure, I can save your life. But there's no such thing as a free lunch... / Margaret: I'm not asking you, I'm *daring* you to do it. / Satan Snake: Nice trick. Sorry, no go. / Margaret: No? Then do the opposite. Kill me. I dare you. / Satan Snake: Why bother? You'll be gone really soon anyway. / Margaret: So you can't do anything. You just talk. / Satan Snake: Don't push your luck. Your friends might pay for your words. / Margaret: What friends? I have nothing and no one. I have left the world behind me. / Margaret: I am a true... warrior... / Satan Snake: You're just a dying person. And you have won nothing. Soon you'll be a happy meal for maggots. / Margaret: It was true... there is great clarity in death... / Satan Snake: No. There's only darkeness. Ashes and dust. It's all the same in the end. / Margaret: I can feel your joy, snake... you never needed me. It was all a trick. It was all a... LIE... / Satan Snake: Ssss. Who was the liar? / Satan Snake: And pride? It's a Deadly Sin. Your soul is STILL mine, True Warrior.
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Margaret is lying in the woods, dying, talking to a snake. Her hand is around the snake's neck]] / Satan Snake: You know, it is not so bad. You'll see them again. Your mother and father. / Margaret: Mom. Daddy. / Satan Snake: And Jerry, and Trish... Rachel and Andy... / Margaret: I miss them. So MUCH. / Satan Snake: I know. But it's easy. Let it go. Close your eyes. / [[Margaret's eyes are pressed shut tight as she screams...]] / Margaret: ROGER! Roger, get your ass down here and SAVE ME!!! / Satan Snake: Sssss... not very dignifying... / Margaret: HELP! / [[Roger, as werecoyote, elsewhere, hears her cry]] / Margaret: [[off-panel]] I'm sorry! I've been an idiot! Please, help me, I don't want to die! / Roger: If it isn't the cavemate from Hell...
 
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Dave is carrying a pillow. Mike is carrying a cardboard box]] / Dave: Going to bed and staying there forever. / Mike: WHAT? But we just got home! / Dave: Should have done it much earlier. Like, yesterday. / Mike: Bububut! BUT, Dave! Didn't your father tell you about the birds and the bees? / Dave: What, that you have to keep your mouth shut when parachuting? / Mike: No, that if you stand in the way of your fellow male's nookie, you'll find bees and birds in your underwear. / Dave: Mike, remember when you glued me to the toilet and left for class? / Mike: I remember you have NO sense of humor. / Dave: You owe me one. / Mike: Yeah? Well, THIS counts for two. / [[Mike is carrying the cardboard box to April's apartment. He's wearing a brown cowboy hat and pink fuzzy handcuffs]] / Mike: HEY Sheriff, I'm here to turn myself IN!
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Mike is carrying a box at the door of April & Marsha's apartment. He's wearing a brown cowboy hat and pink fuzzy handcuffs. April is at the door. Mike pushes the hat back over his eyes so he can see]] / Mike: Ugh. Um, it's you. Eh, Marsha...? / April: Inside. / Mike: Uh, yeah. Are you gonna let me in? / April: I said yes. All the way in. / Mike: ... riiight. / [[April lets Mike inside. Marsha is also wearing a cowboy hat. She wears a leather blouse]] / Marsha: Howdy pardner! But I thought we were meeting at the OK corral! / Mike: Change of plans! Doc Holliday was shot, and he decided he wanted to die alone. / Marsha: Aaaw. Well, I guess we'll be using my bedroom for a while. You don't mind, do you, April? / April: [[making strangling gestures]] Sure, Mike-and-Marsha! i don't mind! I don't mind at ALL! Hear me? I don't mind in the slightest, xlempafroggin' BIT! / [[April has stormed out]] / Mike: Heh! Imagine if she DID mind. / Marsha: Mmh. Well, I suppose she'll have to get used to it. / Mike: I say we should get naked already. I don't think we're safe wearing any kind of flammable clothes...
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Mike and Marsha are in bed together]] / Marsha: Heh. You know, Mike, if it wasn't you, I would never believe so many things could happen to someone... / Mike: Pfft. Yeah, ain't it grand being me. Well, right now it IS, but... / Marsha: One would think you'd stop drinking forever. / Mike: Naw, I just need to find better drinking companions. / Mike: Want to hear something REALLY silly? / Marsha: Sure, what? / Mike: When I was running for my life and dodging bullets, all I could think about was that I needed to come back, just so I could ask you to marry me. / Marsha: Heh! Silly, indeed... as if we didn't have all the time in the world! / Mike: Yeah... / Mike: [[worried]] Exactly.
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Mike and Marsha are in bed together]] / Mike: Marshmallow, you know I'd eat molten lead for you... / Marsha: And you have! / Mike: And I have. And I am glad you worked out your differences with April, but please, don't ask me to be her friend. / Marsha: I know I can't do that, Mike. But she's your neighbor, and my roomie. Can you try to be polite? / Mike: I can try. If I had to be nice, I suppose she could wake up in a harem somewhere. / Marsha: I'll settle for politeness. / Mike: But it WOULD be nice! She wouldn't have to worry about finding a husband. And I hear they pay for the breast implants, and stuff. / Marsha: Don't try too hard, Mike. You're scary when you do...
College Roomies from Hell!!! Dave: [[off-panel]] I am SO pathetic... yeah, talking to myself is one thing, but this... / Mike: <> / Dave: [[off-panel]] Oh God, but I had such a BAD day yesterday. I just HAVE to do something... / [[Mike listens at Dave's door]] / Dave: [[off-panel]] No, no. Why am I doing this? I mean, just the day before! God, I am hopeless... / Dave: [[off-panel]] I really shouldn't be doing this... he could come back, and it would be... / [[Mike turns on the light. Dave quickly covers himself with a pillow, blushing]] / <> / Dave: KNGGGH! / Mike: Hey, don't tell me. "It's not what it looks like", right?
 
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Dave is clutching a pillow in front of himself, blushing]] / Dave: HEY! Do you mind??? I'm in the middle of something, HERE! / Mike: Or the other way around... / Dave: Bit of privacy, please? I'll uh... be done fairly quickly! Shoo! / Mike: Heh! Need some help, perhaps? / Dave: What THE...? Uh, NO! / [[Mike reaches down between Dave and the pillow]] / Mike: Tell you what, I don't think it's healthy to have so much fun by yourself. Friends don't let other friends go blind... / Dave: UGH! Wait! Wait, are you CRAZY??? / [[Mike pulls out a cell-phone]] / Mike: Interesting toy. It looks JUST like my cell phone. / Dave: Uh... I... / Mike: So tell me, how much have I been paying for your romantic calls to my sister? / Dave: Hey, it wasn't THAT romantic, or we'd both wish we were dead...
College Roomies from Hell!!! Dave: Look, I'm sorry! I saw your cell phone, and I figured I could make a little call! / Mike: Sure, a little call! So pay for the friggin' long distance YOURSELF! / Dave: You known damn well I can't afford it! Could you stop rubbing it in my face??? / Mike: Why should *I* pay for it? Gimme just ONE good reason, Moochie! / Dave: Mike, don't be mean. Look, Margaret and Roger are gone, and April's in stabbity-mode. I just needed someone to talk to! / Mike: Dave, man, I am NOT sponsoring your crisis. / Dave: Crisis??? My soul's missing, I'm getting kicked out of college, I have an explosive tracker in my belly, I... / [[Mike tosses Dave the phone]] / Mike: UUGH. You win. Just use the damn cell phone and spare me your whining. / Dave: Really??? Cool, THANKS! Hey, don't worry, I'll only use it when I feel myself spiralling down in a hellish pit of black desperation. / Mike: God Almighty in the skies! Did you hear that? Did you???
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Flashback: April being kissed by Mike ]] / [[April wakes]] / April: [[thinking]] UGH. Stupid Mike. / April: [[thinking]] Stupid dreams... / April: [[thinking]] ??? / [[Paul is in bed with April]] / April: [[thinking]] SssTUPID!!! / Paul: Aw honey, don't worry! NO ONE looks good in the morning...
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[April and Paul are getting dressed]] / April: Uh, Paul... about what happened last night... I hope you don't get the wrong idea. / Paul: Cold, April. So cold. I'm never gonna forgive you for breaking my little heart. / April: Look, I was angry and confused... / Paul: Heh! April, I'm just teasing. I *know* you were just trying to take Mike off your mind. / April: Yeah. You... you don't mind? / Paul: Naw! I mean, who can blame you? Because, Mike? Hunkalicious. / April: Uh. Thank you, Paul. For understanding. / Paul: I mean, if he wasn't taken, I'd CHOMP in his general direction! / Paul: Hell, it'd even be a freebie. Speaking of freebies, honey, I'm still expecting my cash... / April: What? / Paul: All right, all right. Desperation and first timer discount, and it's down to $55. That ok? / April: WHAT???
College Roomies from Hell!!! April: Okay. LOOK. If I *knew* we were um, conducting business... I would have been a lot MORE demanding. / Paul: Well, it was a working night! What did YOU think we were doing? / April: I have... no idea. / Paul: NO? Well, I do. / April: All right. Suppose for a minute that I don't pay you. What you gonna do, scratch my face? / Paul: And ruin my manicure? Nah, my pimp would have to deal with you. / [[April looks shocked as Diana enters, gleefully carrying a cat-of-nine-tails]] / Paul: Hey Di, we've got a live one here. / Diana: Heheh! All right. Paul, go to the store and get another one of these. This one's about to break. / Paul: Isn't that the new one? / Diana: Yep!
 
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Dave is out walking]] / Dave: [[thinking]] Blue is right. If I wander around the streets a bit, my soul link *should* get me naturally closer to Chester. / Dave: [[thinking]] I hope he's okay, and not eating human flesh, or something... / [[April runs into frame, clutching her buttocks and shouting over her shoulder]] / Dave: [[thinking]] I only wonder if I'm heading in the right direction... If only there was some way to... / April: AAAGH! Wait! Wait! This is not fair! There was no discussion of the terms and fares! I just thought it was friendly sex! / [[Diana, waving a cat-o'-nine-tails, chases April off-panel]] / Diana: Come back here, I'm not done with you! / Diana: You got the pleasure and now you're going to get the PAIN! / [[Dave turns and follows them, grinning]] / Dave: [[thinking]] Hey... they were right! / Dave: [[thinking]] God DOES move in mysterious ways!
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Dave is chasing after April and Diana who are presumably fighting off-screen. He's running past a wrought-iron fence, in front of an expensive-looking house]] / Dave: Hey, wait! What happened? Why are you girls whipping each other? / April: Go AWAY, Dave! Yoooow! / Diana: HAH! Did you like that, huh? Did ya? / Dave: Sorry, I can't see ladies in distress without offering help! Did I mention I am REALLY good at ointment rubbing? / <> / [[Dave skids to a stop]] / [[Chester is looking through a window in the house]] / [[Dave sees something above, and stops running]] / <> / [[There's a black cat (chester?) in the house's window]]
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Dave calls through the bars at an expensive-looking house]] / Dave: Chester, what are you doing in there? Come on, let's go home! / Dave: All right, so you can't! Stop scratching the window, I'll get you out! / Dave: Stupid rich people! What do they want big yards for if they won't even let their pets out? / [[Dave uses the house's intercom]] / Dave: Hello? May I speak to the owner of the house? / Dave: No, I'm not selling anything, or asking for money. Just some personal business. / Dave: Look, it'll only take a minute. Then I'll be on my way. Okay? / [[Dave is startled by something off-panel]] / Dave: YOU??? / [[A black-gloved hand zaps Dave with a taser]] / <> / Dave: FFGGHHHKS! / [[Dave, unconscious, is dragged into the house]]
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Mike is walking, whistling]] / [[April rushes up to Mike and grabs him by the shirt]] / April: QUICK! GIMME 50 bucks! / Mike: Wha? Uh, why should I give *you*...? / April: Never mind! Just hand over the money, c'mon! / [[April turns and gives the money to Diana]] / April: Here's your damn money! Now stay away from me! / Diana: Yeah, well, next time you need sex, we'll make sure you pay in advance! / April: Next time? Did you say, NEXT TIME??? / [[Diana is gone. April turns back to Mike]] / April: Yeah. So, thanks. I'll pay you next week. / Mike: ... / [[April blushes and glares at Mike as...]] / Mike: PfffftHaHAHAHA! BWAAHAHAHAHA!!!!
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[April stands by, embarrassed, waiting for Mike's laughing fit to pass]] / Mike: AHAHAHAHAHAH! Priceless! HAHA! Oh, man! HAAAHAHAHAHA! / Mike: Bahahahah... huh. Uh... / [[April is smiling]] / Mike: Why are you looking at me like that? / April: Mmh. Well, even if you're laughing at me... I think you're REALLY sexy when you laugh... tightbuns. / [[Mike is gone]] / April: [[thinking]] Yum. And his tentacle gets all jiggly when running away in terror...
 
College Roomies from Hell!!! {{Disclaimer: I'm not pulling any punches today, guys, and the strip could get some of you a *really* weird look at work or home. Click under your own risk and a gore/nudity warning there.}} / [[Margaret is running through what appears to be jungle, cutting vines with a knife. The background is red]] / Margaret: You FAILED, Mister! Your own pride got in your way! Couldn't just let me die without gloating, right? / Margaret: Well, if you want me dead, then you're afraid of me! And if you're afraid, that means I can KILL you! / Margaret: Where are you hiding, bitch? Get out! / Margaret: C'mon, I'm in the mood for HAMBURGER!!! / [[Satan lifts his head from grazing inside a corpse. The corpse is badly mangled and bloodstained, so difficult to identify... but it *could* be Dave]] / Satan: You seem to be a little confused there... / Satan: I'm not actually MORTAL. / Satan: Therefore you can't kill me. / Satan: Immortal. Alive. Dead. / Satan: See the difference? / [[In Satan's hand is the corpse's still-beating, bloody heart]] / Satan: [[off-panel]] Do you really believe that the Devil plays only with one hand? / Satan: [[off-panel]] And if you do, what are you willing to bet? / [[Margaret stands behind Roger (in werecoyote form), her eyes shut, trying to claw past him]] / Margaret: NO! No, you CAN'T do that! / Margaret: You can't! / Margaret: I LOVE HIM!
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[A cave. Roger (in werecoyote form) confronts Margaret]] / Roger: Well, what was THAT about? Or is it just a new and creative attempt to be a bitch? / Margaret: [[tears streaming down her cheeks]] He was... no, he couldn't. I... stayed away from him. Or does it even follow me here? / Roger: Bah. You just had a nightmare. Put your stupid self together and get back to sleep. Hopefully I can get rid of you today. / Margaret: God, p-please, let him be safe... I ask nothing for myself, just... / Roger: What? First you kill my mother and tell me to f#@% off, THEN you expect me to be your THERAPIST? Get off me! / Margaret: [[burying her face in Roger's furry chest]] I, I CAN'T! / Margaret: I did everything I could. EVERYTHING! Eeh-eh *sob* but I, I can't STOP it, no matter how H-H-HARD... / [[Roger hugs her]] / Margaret: I just tried so hard, Roger! / Margaret: I just tried / Margaret: So HARD. / Margaret: *SOB*
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[A cat, probably Chester, is scratching at the door. Joe calls from out of frame]] / Joe: Hey, quiet up there! Your dish is full, go eat that! / Cat: MEEEEOW! MEOOOW! <> <> <> / [[Dave is handcuffed to a chair and being tied up with duct tape]] / Joe: Damn it, I bet he thinks I'm eating something! That cat always steals my potato chips... / Dave (thought): *Sigh* So many handcuffs in my life, and NEVER a single hot chick involved...
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Dave is handcuffed and duct-taped to a chair]] / Dave: Why don't you let Chester in? You know he just wants to be with me... / Joe: Who? / Dave: Chester. My cat. Is playing dumb part of the torture or what? / Joe: Sorry, kid, that's MY cat. I've had him since he was a kitten. / Dave: Uh??? / Joe: If he's your cat, what's he doing here? / Dave: Joe... you're just playing with me. He got lost some days ago. You KNOW it. / Joe: So he was with you these months? I should kick your ass for not taking good care of him. He was full of fleas and stunk of garbage. / Dave: You have got to be kidding me. / Joe: No, I'm not. Really a sorry state for a pedigree cat like Archbishop Thomas Cranmer. / Dave: Who? / Joe: Archie. / Dave: And you speak of animal cruelty???
College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives Dave: Is he Satan? I didn't imagine the whole thing, did I? Was he possessed or something? Is he possessed right now? / He must know about my laser vision. He avoids my sight. And the handcuffs... / Stupid idiot! Now I'm gonna have to destroy the chair. But I can't do it quickly, not without hurting myself... / He has to go down first. I need to distract him, keep on talking...
 
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Dave is still handcuffed and duct-taped to a chair]] / Dave (thought): Is he Satan? I didn't imagine the whole thing, did I? Was he posessed or something? Is he posessed, right now? / Dave (thought): He must know about my laser vision. He avoids my sight. And the handcuffs... / Dave (thought): Stupid idiot! Now I'm gonna have to destroy the chair. But I can't do it quickly, not without hurting myself... / Dave (thought): He has to go down first. I need to distract him, kepp on talking... / Dave: So, Joe, what the HELL do you think you're going to do with me? / Joe: Relax, Dave. We're just gonna have a little chat, that's all. / Dave: To have a chat you taser people and tie them up? Wow, you must be POPULAR. / Joe: Just a little security measure. Remember the last time? You punched me in the face. / Dave: You forget to mention I did it because you were force-kissing my date. / Joe: Hey, not true. it was a MUTUAL kiss. / Dave: Ah, yeah? Then why did she push you away? / Joe: I have no idea. Then when I tried to ask her, she put a rocket launcher to my face and told me to stay away from her... / Dave: What's that got to do with me, anyway? / Joe: Well, that's EXACTLY what I want to know.
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Margaret and Roger (as werecoyote) are in the woods, possibly in a cave, together]] / Margaret: Roger? / Roger: Huh? / Margaret: I'm sorry I killed your mother. I really, really am. / Roger: I don't think saying that to someone was ever useful. / Margaret: I didn't know she was a were coyote. She never spoke. If I knew... / Roger: Would it have made any difference at all? / Margaret: Not really. She left me no choice. Please believe me. She trapped me into some sort of pit... / Roger: I believe you. It was her M.O., all rioght. you are lucky to be alive, and I can't blame you for defending yourself. / Margaret: But you still hate me, don't you? / Roger: Yeah, a little bit. I can't help it, sorry. / Margaret: Oh, I can live with that. Hate, I can handle. / Roger: It's love that you can't? / Margaret: It's love that I can't.
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Dave is tied up to a chair. Joe is present, sitting behind him]] / Dave: Well, if you think I... / Joe: PSSH! Don't turn around. Margaret told me about your lasers. And pulling tape off your eyelids would be NASTY. / Dave: Why, because you're so NICE? / Joe: I am a lot nicer than I would have to be. / Dave: .... okaaaaay. Anyway, if you think I, or anyone else, can tell Margaret what to do, you don't know her at all. / Dave: In fact, we never talked about you at all. She didn't see me punching you. I told her, and she just told me that you were dangerous and to stay away from you. / Joe: That's what she said??? / Dave: Yeah, but don't ask me why. Why don't you wake the gimp up and ask HIM instead?
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Dave is tied up to a chair. Joe is behind him]] / Joe: You're lying. You're just saying that because you want her for yourself, don't you? / Dave: Really, Joe. If you're not going to believe anything I say, why bother asking at all??? / Joe: Yeah, you're right about that. After all, you're the guy who used to followe her around like some sort of creepy stalker. / Dave: Whatever. Now, if you release me RIGHT now and you give me my cat so I can go home, I will consider not telling Margaret what you did to me. / [[Joe is unwrapping a length of duct tape]] / Dave: We are VERY good friends and you can bet that if she finds out, she's gonna use your ass as a katana sheath. / [[Joe tapes over Dave's eyes]] / Dave: J... HEY! Augh! Hey, what the HELL??? / Dave: You SAID you weren't gonna do that!!! / Joe: Yes. But I don't believe in promises. / Joe: Blood-signed contracts? Maybe... / Dave (thought): Aaaw F#@K.
College Roomies from Hell!!! [[Dave is tied up and blindfolded in a chair. Chester is in his arms]] / Dave: *sigh* Chester, what are you doing here? I was trying to keep you away... / Joe (with text in a demonic script): I have been saying it for centuries and no one EVER listens. / Joe: Imperfect creatures. you can't even get your mind and soul to agree on anything / Joe: Gimme that sack of fleas. / [[Joe picks up Chester by the scruff of his neck and is holding a knife. Chester tries to scratch him. Joe has a forked tongue]] / Dave (from out of frame): N-NO! This is between you and me, Satan... Let him go! / Joe/Satan: Look at this Joe vessel. He can't even do the simplest things. Soul manipulation is to be done through primitive rituals. / Joe/Satan: I suppose I could have made this Joe summon my physical form, but it has to be done voluntarily. / Chester: <> / Dave: C'mon, it's... it's not fair! / Joe/Satan: Yeah, I know, bureaucracy is a real bitch everywhere. / Joe/Satan: But you know what they say. / Joe/Satan: There's more than one way to skin a cat. / Dave: WAIT! ST... YAAARGH! / Chester: MEEEEEOOOOW!
 

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