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|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Everybody is gathered around a table]] / Mike: So, here we're going to pool our collective experiences, and try to draw some conclusions we can use. / Mike: Lately, it seems that Satan is targeting us one by one. / Mike: He's also taking a much more agressive approach. / Mike: I think it's time we learn to defend ourselves. / [[Mike puts his tentacle around Dave's neck and pulls him so he stands up]] / Mike: And now, with the most recent tale of things gone spectacularly bad, heeeere's David Jones! / Dave: ACK! Hey, wait! Why me??? I don't want to go FIRST! / Mike: I think everybody needs to hear about the dry-cleaning story before we get to the really bleak stuff. / [[Dave stands, looking very nervous. Sweating]] / Dave: Uuuuh... Right. So, I... I was looking for Chester... my soul cat, you know, and I started chasing April and Diana, because... eh, I better skip that part. / Dave: And there was this b-b-big house and I noticed there was a CAT inside, and, and I, well I... / [[Dave is sitting, head slumped on the table]] / Mike: Dave? 5 people listening to what you're saying doesn't really count as "speaking in public." / Roger: There's actually a lot more people if you count the multiple personalities. / Dave: *sob* Stop staring at me...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[The whole group is sitting around a table]] / Roger: And I think I vaguely remember Mike talking to me and I was mad at him for some reason. And that's it. Blank from there. / Mike: Right. Well, at this point his voice changed and he said "Pleased to meet you, I hope you guess my name!" / Dave: Hum! That's Satan all right. He said the same to me once. / Roger: Really? Wow, just like in that Chimpanzee song! / April: What Chimpanzee song? / Roger: You know. That "Chimpanzee for the Devil" song. / April: You mean... "Sympathy for the Devil." / Roger: Huh? No, I mean the Rolling Stones one. / April: That's the one. / Roger: But... / April: No chimpanzee. / Roger: Well, the coolness levels of that song just dropped 666%. / Dave: Yours, on the other hand, are intact.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[The whole gang is still gathered around a table.]] / Mike: [[counting on his fingers]] Right. So we have three kinds of possession here... The animal and inanimate object kind, which we can safely ignore for now. Secondly, what we can call the pre-possession stage, which leads to a full possession. Am I missing anything? / Margaret: You're forgetting about satanic influence. You know, the kind that makes us go evil. Like April. / April: EXCUSE ME??? I wasn't influenced by Satan. Who the Hell says I can't be bad? I will be evil if I want to! / Marsha: But why would you WANT to be evil? It makes no sense! / April: Why NOT? Suppose, for a moment, that I don't like you. Then I would... / Marsha: Me??? That's RIDICULOUS! Everybody likes me! / Margaret: So yeah, scratch that one. I don't want to blame Satan when I finally snap and deliver the kickass of the century upon those two. / Mike: [[unimpressed]] Heh. Someday Satan is gonna have a demon meeting and they're going to discuss the existence of Aprilic influence.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Roger and Dave are walking]] / Dave: Frankly, there were some things I was better off not knowing. Like the fact that Satan wants Margaret dead. Yeah, I'm going to have sweet dreams now. / Roger: Dude, you complain about everything. If I knew I was possession-proof, I'd be happy. / Dave: Well, I'm not sure I AM. / Roger: Did you get the vibe Mike's hiding something from us? / Dave: Ugh, don't mention it. Enough revelations for a day. / [[Mike holds out the Satanic staff. Dave has an "oh crap" look.]] / Mike: Well, guys... I think there's room for just one more.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[The girls are walking together]] / Marsha: What the HELL??? This has been hanging over your head for HOW LONG now, and you never told me? / Margaret: I didn't want anyone involved! These people got in just because they never mind their own business! / Margaret: Why are people so MIGHTY offended that I don't go looking for a shoulder to cry on? / April: Hey, you told me by accident. Not my fault. / Marsha: Because I'm your friend! That's what you're supposed to do! / Margaret: [[off-panel]] According to who? / Marsha: According to NORMAL people! / Margaret: [[off-panel]] Whatever your mutant little head says...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Roger and Dave are staring at Mike, who's holding the Satanic staff]]
/ Roger: Um, wwwhat's going on, Mike? Are you posessed or something?
/ Dave: [[eyes starting to glow]] Voice hasn't changed. I think it might be a prepossession...
/ Roger: Messing with our minds, as always?
/ Dave: He wouldn't JOKE with that thing around me. It already tried to kill me once...
/ Mike: [[off-panel]] Pfft! You can't tell special delivery from regular evil, right... Catch, Dave. / [[The staff slips itself in Dave's sleeves, across his shoulders]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Mike confronts Roger in front of the bathroom door. Roger has interposed a chair between them]]
/ Roger: Hey, get away. You do not wax your bikini line, so I'm not interested in rasslin'.
/ Mike: But are you interested in dying? Think of it as just a really long vacation!
/ Roger: If the buffet is not included, then no thanks.
/ Mike: [[whirling his tentacle like a lasso]] There IS a buffet. All the worms you can eat, free of charge!
/ Roger: Look, I know you're just trying to distract me so I... / [[Mike whips the chair out from between them... with his hand. He grabs Roger's forearm with his tentacle]]
/ Mike: Mmmh? / [[Roger goes partly werecoyote and hurls Mike to the side]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Mike is upright again. The Satanic staff snaps back into Mike's tentacle]] / Roger: Now, Mike, this is my warning stare... / Mike: Relax, Roger. / Roger: Nuh-huh. First it's relax, then the internal bleeding. Don't ask how I know that. / Mike: Ew. All right, I guess that wasn't so bad with you. Dave, on the other hand, sucks. / Roger: I don't want to hear about your private activities either. / [[Dave storms into the bathroom, looking really angry]] / Dave: In 25 words or less, give me ONE good reason why I shouldn't kill you right away. / Mike: You'll go to Hell and get tortured until you make a deal with the Devil, like me? / Dave: You... / Dave: What?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[The guys are in the kitchen. Mike carries the Satanic staff]] / Mike: Well, no, I still don't regret it. I believe Marsha is alive because of it. So screw Armageddon, mankind, and you guys. I'd do it again. / Roger: And you don't even play the fiddle that well. I honestly think you screwed us all. / Dave: You're an IDIOT, Mike! Don't you realize you're playing his game? There's no way you can win! / Mike: If I still believed I can live in the beautiful denial, I'd tell you, yes Dave, we can stay out of his game. / Mike: Since I don't, I think we should all be aware that Satan is going to go for the real deal... the ones we love most. Make your own personal decision. / Dave: There HAS to be another way, Mike. / Mike: Maybe. I don't like risks in that aspect. By the way, Blue is safe as well. / Dave: Blue? / Mike: You're welcome. Doesn't sound so bad now, right, Dave?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[The guys are still talking in the kitchen]] / Mike: Well, why am I not surprised? After all, Blue's nothing but an easy lay for you. / Dave: That is downright INSULTING, and it's also a goddamn lie! / Mike: She means nothing to you if you'd leave her suffering in Hell. / Dave: I don't make deals with the Devil for anyone! Everything he touches turns bad! / Mike: So why don't you kill off your soul cat? I believe he qualifies. / Roger: Okay, shut up you two! I don't care about the ham, I just care about the price! Exactly what did you agree to, Sushibrains??? / Mike: Uh... ten minutes behind the wheel. / Roger: So he's going to possess you? I thought he didn't need our permission to do that. / Mike: Apparently, this means I *was* possession-proof, but whoops! Not anymore... / Dave: Right. So you're the leader of NOES, but you can turn into the enemy at any given second. / Mike: It could be a lot worse! If Satan possesses me, you guys could stop whatever I'm doing and I'd STILL be honoring my deal. / Dave: No it couldn't! Why can't he possess you all the time? I bet brimstone smells better than your feet anyway!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[The guys are in the kitchen]] / Mike: Guys, what is done is done. This makes me no different from Roger here, for example. / Roger: Except that you're leading NOES. / Mike: Well, who IS gonna lead? Dave? / Dave: At least *I* am possession-proof! / Mike: Look, we need someone whose standard strategy is different from hiding in a sleeping bag, sobbing! / Dave: Hey, I only did it ONCE. Besides, it would help if you at least got rid of that thing. / Mike: [[holding up "that thing", the Satanic staff]] Oh yeah, brilliant. Except that it can't be destroyed. And even if we could, what about my tentacle? And the fact that I can control you guys from across the room, using only mind tricks? / Roger: I heard Mount Doom is really nice this time of the year. / Dave: Good idea. Let's throw him in and let Fluffy lead.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Marsha and Margaret are at a coffee shop drinking take-away coffees. Margaret has a HUGE cup]] / Margaret: So, did you forgive April? Just like that? / Marsha: Yeah, I guess I feel a little sorry for her. I mean, I'm not even sure it's Mike she wants. I think she's just lonely. / Margaret: Uh oh. This sounds to me like you're planning on setting her up with someone. / Marsha: Well, duh! But not right now, I don't want it to make it look like it's out of pity. / Margaret: But it IS. / Marsha: And geez, I know you're compensating for your time in the woods, but don't you think that amount of caffeine is suicidal? / Margaret: Nah, it's my usual dose! They even named it after me! / Marsha: "The Browning Special"? Why is it written in chalk? / Margaret: Because it was named "The Suicide Special" before I threatened the owner with bodily harm!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Margaret and Marsha walk in the park]] / Margaret: It's not fair. We fought in the same kitchen. I even got eaten by that tentacle monster. So why do you have wings and I got nothing??? / Marsha: Look, it has some downsides. They're hard to wash and dry. Bikinis are a no-no. And they are REALLY ticklish. / Margaret: Dude, you can FLY. Just how cool is that? I'd give up bikinis. / Marsha: Well, I don't know. Maybe you DID mutate, and it still hasn't kicked in. / Margaret: Pfeh. What kind of cool power can I get? I'm not interested in developing tentacles and molesting underage japanese schoolgirls. / Marsha: Humph! You know, discrimination against tentacled people makes Baby Cthulhu cry.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Diana is sitting on Roger's lap]] / Diana: Honey, you're not trying to make them kill you again, are you??? / Roger: No... hmmm, he says killing each other is pointless. That we have to learn to neutralize each other without permanent damage. / Diana: They better. Because if they hurt you, it will be unpleasant. Know what I'd do? Remember Catch-22? / Roger: What, the hooker turned into a relentless assassin, looking for revenge? / Diana: No, the part with the cat that sits on some guy's face and suffocates him to death. / Roger: Uh... wait a minute. Knowing those guys, that isn't actually an incentive not to kill me. / Diana: But it should be an incentive to not letting them kill you!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Diana is on her way out of the room...]] / Roger: I don't think you need to change. You look fine to me. / Diana: Nah, I've been wearing this all day. Don't worry, it won't take long. In the meantime, Paul can keep you company. / Roger: If you don't mind, I'd rather wait hanging outside the window. / [[Paul enters the room]] / Paul: Hey Roger, I just wanted you to know if things don't work with my sis, I'm a readhead too, and I REALLY like to wear fur. / Roger: Uh... no offense, but there's a little SOMETHING I don't like about you. / Paul: Well, not THAT little, and... it's also an acquired taste. / Roger: You know, Paul, you just left TooMuchInformation road, and made a wrong turn into WhyTheHellDoWeHaveFreeSpeech, AGAIN?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave and April are in class. The blackboard reads "ALL YOUR FNORD ARE BELONG TO US"]] / Dave: Say April, if you're not going to study tonight, can I borrow some of your notebooks? I have to catch up on *everything*, oh so desperately. / April: Why are you asking me instead of Marsha? And I thought all you people were afraid of me. / Dave: Because Margaret already borrowed Marsha's, and believe me, I can go from 0 to 90 miles per hour in under three seconds. / April: Hum! All right. I'll let you have them for two whole days. But... I need a favor. / Dave: Does this favor involve any of my internal organs? / April: Perhaps just one. / Dave: All right, but only if it's above the waist. And your notes better be REALLY good.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave and April are talking in the park]] / Dave: Before you start talking... if it has something to do with conspiring against Mike, I don't want in. I don't even want to KNOW about it. / April: Since WHEN are you such a big Mike fan? / Dave: Since he's including me in his plan to make Dover give us a new chance. I have no idea how to do that on my own. / April: Right. Well, it IS about Mike. But I just wanted to know something. / Dave: Well, ask away. I can't promise I will answer. Talking too much can get me in trouble too, you know? / April: Dave, how could you do it? How could you forget about Margaret? / Dave: Uh, April, I know you sort of wanted to see us together, but... / April: No, you don't get it. I need to know how you did it. / Dave: Uh? How I did what? / April: I need to know how you can stop loving someone. Because I CAN'T.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave and April are talking, outdoors]] / April: I have tried everything. I have tried to ignore him. He certainly DOES ignore me... / Dave: April, he's a jerk. Why are you supprised? / April: I'm not. I have tried hating him, too. It was easy. And... it didn't work. So what did you do? / Dave: I did nothing. I just realized I deserve better. Perhaps it feels heroic to be treated like crap and still loving someone... but it doesn't last forever. / Dave: I was in love when I felt happy while I thought about her. But all that stopped happening. Eventually, all I could feel was pain. / Dave: If it's the same for you, then it's not love anymore. Perhaps you're stubborn. perhaps you feel it's not fair you never had a chance. / April: *sigh* / Dave: Perhaps you're just afraid of being alone. / Dave: Besides, I'm sure you can find someone a zillion times better than Mike. I dunno, one of those rich and good-looking guys... / April: But Mike IS rich and good-looking. / Dave: Or an optometrist. / April: Dave, I'm serious. And I'm not that good at dating either. / Dave: Look... being alone won't kill you. It doesn't kill ME. We still have a lot of time ahead to find someone. / [[Blue pops up behind Dave and pushes her breasts against the back of Dave's head]] / Blue: Put your hands in the air! This is a STICKY-UP! / April: [[thinking]] Yeah...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Blue is hanging on to Dave's back, her cleavage around his neck. April gets up to leave]] / April: Mmh, I guess we'll have to continue this conversation later, Dave. See you. / Dave: Yeah, see you, cleavage! / April: Watch out for STDs. / Blue: [[to April]] And you watch out for your A-S-S, because even if my bro is too much of a gentleman to destroy you, *I* don't have that problem! / Dave: What are you doing here? Besides assaulting me with a lethal weapon... wait. You changed your hair. / Blue: Dave, you don't need to pretend you're looking at my hair. / Dave: Aw, you can't say I'm not trying. / Blue: Trying what? / Dave: I... keep forgetting.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||Dave: Uh, I'm of course glad to see you, but I thought it was dangerous for us to be together... with the trackers... / Blue: Didn't Mike help you with it? / Dave: Nope. / Blue: Ah! Weird. Anyway, your signal disappeared a few days ago. And of course, I got rid of mine... / Dave: Really? Well, that's a relief. How did YOU get rid of it? / Blue: I tasered myself! Hardly fun, but I'm not depressed anymore... / Dave: You did WHAT? You people are crazy. Um, so, yeah, that explains it... / Blue: But let's not talk about nasty things. Unless they are the GOOD kind of nasty. / Blue: Seeee... I got off from school early. And NO ONE knows I'm here. / Blue: No one. / Dave: Ummmh... / Blue: [[poking him in the ribs]] Any ideas?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - June 15, 2005||Dave: Uh... I dunno. I mean, it's surely tempting, but I think we better not. / Blue: Heheh. Because it's... nooooot right. Right? / Dave: I'm serious. / Blue: Wow. You actually are! Are you feeling well? / Dave: Yeah. But I think... I think we just need to calm down. / Blue: That's fine with me. Mind if I ask why? / Dave: I mean... it's just that sometimes you act like you're my girlfriend, and sometimes I act like I'm your boyfriend. But we don't actually have a relationship. / Blue: I'm not pressuring you into anything you don't want. / Dave: You don't understand. I actually want it. I just don't feel ready yet, okay? / Blue: So you're asking me for some time off? It sounds like a familiar speech. / Dave: Low blow, Blue. VERY low. / Blue: I'm sorry. I'm just reminding you what it feels like. / Blue: You just don't love me. I can live with that. You don't need to make up some pretty excuse.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - June 16, 2005||Dave: Jesus, if I knew you were going to act like that, I would just have shtoinked you... / Blue: Forget the shtoinking. If you don't enjoy my presence anymore... / Dave: But I *do* enjoy your presence. / Blue: Then what is it? What's the big problem? / Dave: *sigh* Okay, look. I'm very tight on money right now. I can't spend on dates and chocolates and flowers. / Blue: Wait, this is about money? All about the stupid money??? / Dave: Sure, it's stupid for YOU, because you don't have to feel humiliated because you can't afford to buy your girl some stuff. / Blue: But I don't WANT stuff! / Dave: Yeah, at first, I'm sure... But you're rich, and you're used to the good stuff, so... / Blue: I... can't believe you just said something like that to me. / Dave: Please don't be mad at me... it's just that I... / Blue: Sorry. Too RICH to CARE. / Dave: Wait, where are you - / Blue: [[cutting him off]] Away from you. / Blue: You LOSER. / [[Dave is now outside the library, leaning his head against the wall.]] / Roger: You know Dave, romancing the library building is one of the least effective ways of getting better grades. / Dave: My wall and I would like some privacy, please.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - June 18, 2005||Roger: I have a small suggestion for you. You should smear yourself with honey and look for a bee farm. / Dave: What kind of STUPID advice is that??? / Roger: Maybe then you'd worry about a problem that's already happening, instead of something that is you know, just in your head? / Dave: Roger, it's not in my head! If I ask her to be my girlfriend in my situation... / Roger: Dave, your situation only goes from bad to worse and then back to bad. Just consider that. / Dave: Yeah, you're right about that. So I guess it sucks to be me, as always. / Roger: It's all relative. For example, Mike asked me this morning if I can grow independent parts of my body at a given time. THAT is what I'd call worrying. / Dave: She was the only person who ever listened to me, and I drove her away. / Roger: You're still talking? Sorry, after a while, your voice turns into background music.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - June 20, 2005||[[Inside the apartments]] / Mike: You don't have to be worried, honey. I'd never let anything happen to you... / Marsha: I'm not worried about myself. I'm worried about YOU. You're putting yourself in danger by leading NOES. I wish you could let someone else do it instead. / Mike: Well, if someone's going to be in charge of stopping Armaggedon, ironically enough, I'd feel safer doing it myself. / [[Marsha snuggles into him]] / Marsha: Is that why you told me you wanted to marry me? Because you think the world is going to end soon? / Mike: Uuh... partly, I guess. I don't know. Maybe I was just afraid I'd lose you again. / Marsha: But being married doesn't make a difference. / Mike: Marsha, you don't have to marry me. / Marsha: I didn't say I have to. But... maybe it's time for the next step?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - June 21, 2005||Mike: Next step? You mean moving in together again?
/ Marsha: Nah, we would pay more rent. And we could use the money, eventually. For something better.
/ Mike: Like what?
/ Marsha: Something of our own. Big enough for us.
/ Mike: But you just said... / Marsha: I meant long-term. We have to start thinking... long term.
/ Mike: Wait a minute. Are you saying... do you mean...?
/ Marsha: I'm saying... yes. I want to marry you.
/ [[Marsha flutters her wings a bit.]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - June 22, 2005||[[April walks through the park. Mike blurs past her]]
/ Mike: [[off-panel]] BYE APRIL! SO HAAAAPPEEEEEE!
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - June 23, 2005||Roger: Look, don't ask. You really don't want to know this one. / April: Oh? Well, I didn't really care about knowing but now I REALLY want to know. / Dave: Crap. Okay. Um, apparently... Mike and Marsha got engaged. Or something. / April: Engaged. / Dave: Yeah. I'm sorry. / April: As in... marrying. / Roger: Exactly. Hey, you're not going to do something stupid, like trying to stick 6 billiard balls in your mouth to kill yourself? / April: Probably. / [[Outside Paul and Diana's apartment.]] / Paul: Well well, if it isn't the disgruntled customer. / April: [[waving money at him]] Shut up and shtoink me into amnesia.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - June 27, 2005||[[In the girls' apartment. Margaret is working on a drawing]] / Margaret: Hey, I heard. Congratulations! / Marsha: Heheh! Well, Mike really knows how to call attention to stuff, doesn't he? / Margaret: I'd say so. Although maybe next time he can choose a way that is not collective-defenestration inducing. / Marsha: Aw, just think of it as human-sized confetti... / Marsha: Say, have you seen April around? I'm sort of worried about, you know. Her reaction to the news. / Margaret: I think she was at the library. / Marsha: Ah. Um... What is that? / Margaret: Weapon design. / Marsha: Sounds worrying. / Margaret: Nah. Hey, do you know if they sell holy water by the gallon? / Marsha: Sounds REALLY worrying.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave is slumped face-down on the table]] / Dave: Nnnggh. / Roger: Man, you have to stop doing this to yourself. / Dave: Roger, if I did the right thing, why do I feel like a complete MORON??? / Roger: Maybe it wasn't the right thing at all? / Dave: Yes it was. I told her the truth. Girls always complain men lie the whole time. / Roger: No, you idiot. They don't want the truth if the truth is ugly. So why don't you just call her? / Dave: She called me a loser. / Roger: Heh! Well, she was onto something, wasn't she? / Dave: Sure, Roger. Kick me while I'm down. / Roger: I don't get it. She says you're a loser, YOU say you're a loser... and yet if I say it you get upset. / Dave: I didn't say I was a loser. Just that I felt like one. / Roger: Feel like a loser, act like a loser. BE a loser. / Dave: I'm not. It's just that I, um, eh... / Dave: Well, crap. / [[Dave snatches Mike's cell phone from him]] / Dave: Gimme THAT! / Mike: ???|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - June 29, 2005||[[Dave is in the guy's bedroom, dialing Mike's cell phone.]]
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