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|College Roomies from Hell!!! - July 4, 2005||[[In the guys' apartment.]]
/ Mike: Boy, watch out for Dave. He's in one of his moods.
/ Roger: Just as always. Tell me, is asbestos any worse for your health than say, getting deep-fried during your roommate's mood swing?
/ Mike: Heh! Just like the Fantastic Four.
/ Roger: Except we're not four, nor fantastic.
/ Mike: Speak for YOURSELF. / Roger: I see you have your robotic hand on.
/ Mike: Yeah, Spring Break. I need to practice before I go home... but you know, it doesn't work quite that well anymore. I wonder if you can take a look at it?
/ Roger: I dunno, what's in it for me?
/ Mike: Sheesh, whatever happened to your human solidarity?
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dave is talking on Mike's cell phone.]]
/ Dave: I want to speak to Blue.
/ Jay: [[through the phone]] Ah! Is that you, Petunia? Nah, I don't think so.
/ Dave: It's not up to you. Put her on or you'll find out about the fun of skin implants.
/ Jay: [[through the phone]] I don't want to wake her up. She looks too cute sleeping next to me. You know?
/ Dave: WHAT?!
/ Jay: [[through the phone]] Thanks for being a moron! See you never! / [[Dave hurls the phone away]]
/ Dave: GODDAMN YOU!
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - August 16, 2005||[[Dave and Mike are in the bedroom.]] / Mike: Hey! What the hell happened here? / Dave: Uh... someone... threw a rock? / Mike: Geez! Well, don't you just stand there! Can't you see the rain's getting in? / Mike: By the way, are you DONE with my cell phone? I was about to make a call when you quite NICELY snatched it away from me. / Dave: SurewhateverjustasecREALLYhavetoruntothebathroombebacksoonKAY? / [[Mike begins taping over the window.]] / Mike (thinking to himself): Pfft. The dumbass. He never learns, does he? / Mike (thinking to himself): Expired milk can be cheaper, but you pay for it oh so dearly... / [[Dave is now outside the window on the ledge.]] / Dave (thinking to himself): Well, I never learn, do I?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - August 17, 2006||[[Roger and Lily, in the guy's apartment.]] / Roger: HEY! Wait, what's this sheep doing here??? / Lily: This is Lanolin! She's a gift for Mom. Thought she'd like some guilt-free fresh meat for a change! / Roger: She was never... I mean, what guilt? Besides... / Roger: I know we have a tradition of naming our snacks, but I usually wait until they're dead. / [[Harry walks up.]] / Lily: So this is your big-nosed roommate? Wow, he really looked a lot better in the picture. / Harry (pointing at Lanolin): Please tell me that's not Mike's girlfriend.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - August 18, 2006||[[Mike is in the guys' bedroom. Harry is outside it.]] / Roger (off-screen): Hey Mike, your dad is here... / Mike: Hell no! i don't have a dad! / Harry: Geez Mike, cut the drama... / Mike: Drama??? You said so yourself! Now go away! / Harry: I just want to talk to you for a minute, that's all. / Mike: Yeah, RIGHT! Besides, I'm busy! Come again some other year! / Harry: Look, don't you think I have a ton of better things to do? Like lots and lots of Playboy bunnies? / Mike: Well, *I* have a gay orgy going on in here! / Harry: Goddammit, Mike! Are you trying to land me in the hospital again? / Mike: Well, you're not the only one who can have FUN!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - August 19, 2006||[[Dave is outside the building, on the window-ledge.]] / Dave (thinking to himself): Don't look down. You don't want to get shipped to Mexico again, do you? / Dave (thinking to himself): *sigh* Why am I doing this anyway? I don't think Mike's phone survived the fall. / Dave (thinking to himself): He's going to kill me. / Dave (thinking to himself): Then he'll make Waldo and Steve resurrect me just so he can kill me AGAIN. / [[Dave looks into the next window, which looks in on Margaret's bedroom.]] / Dave (thinking to himself): And he's she's SHE IS *FIZZZZ* / [[Cut to bedroom interior: Margaret is sitting on the bed wearing only a towel; Dave is looking in on her from the ledge.]]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - August 22, 2005||[[Dave, brainwarped, is sitting outside Margaret's window ledge looking in on her after she has just gotten out of the shower.]] / Dave (thinking to himself): Oh my towel. She's dropping the curves, and the God is nice and rubbing, and... / Dave (thinking to himself): ACK! I'm not supposed to be here and looking. This is wrong! / Dave (thinking to himself): I can't keep doing this! I can't be such a slave of the flesh! / Dave (thinking to himself): Maybe a butler? / Dave (thinking to himself): All right, one last little peek and I... / [[Dave looks in and sees Margaret sitting on the bed, naked and crying.]]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! August 23, 2005||[[Mike and Harry are in the guys' bedroom.]] / Mike: All right, sir. You're here now. Talk fast so you can slam the door behind you in no time. / Harry: Hey, I'm here to apologize. / Mike: Does your apology include kicking my indiscriminating ass? / Harry: Well, what were you expecting after what happened? / Mike: A medal? After all, I'm just like my daddy, I shtoink everything that moves. / Harry: I'm serious. I just had a heart attack, and there was time to think things over. / Harry: I want to enjoy my kids before it's too late. / Mike: You want to spend time with ME? Wow, you must be DYING. / Harry: Or crazy, since I convinced your mother of letting you spend Spring Break with me instead of her. / Mike: She agreed to let me go??? What are you guys up to? / Harry: Nothing! What, can't we do somthing nice, just cause? / Mike: Not when number 10 in your scale of "nice" is reprogramming me.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - August 24, 2005||[[Mike and Harry are in the guys' bedroom.]] / Mike: Gee, Dad, I'd really like to spend the break with you, but I think I better stay here with my lover. I'd crush his little heart... / Harry: GRMPH. I guess... you could.... bring him too. / Mike: But I'm going to miss my friends. Can I bring my twisted, perverted friends too? / Harry: UGH! Okay. Okay, you can bring them. / Mike: Are you SURE you're okay with it? / Harry: Whatever. / Mike: WELL! This is a surprise. Okay, I'll be there in a few days then. Shake my filthy, sinning hand. / Harry: Mmhh... / Mike: Which has been in a lot of INTERESTING places. / Harry: Uh, you're kidding, right? / Mike: Maybe! / Harry and Mike (thinking to themselves, in unison): Someone's going to cry like a little girl before this is over...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - August 25, 2005||Steve: Pssch. We were lucky that guy from the car wash was there to break our fall... / Waldo: Not so lucky. He had bony knees. / Steve: That dork Roger is gonna pay for scaring us like that. / Waldo: Yeah, and the most scary thing is, he was actually HOT. / Steve: Huh. He must have been taking crossdressing lesson from his bro-in-screw, and... / Steve: Wait wait wait waaaaaaait... / Waldo: Maybe he was actually a woman. There's this guy with a hotdog stand... / Steve: Not the hotdog man. That purple sheep! Of course! / Waldo: What? I thought it was just fashion accessory or something. / Steve: No, no, no. You idiot, don't you see? He used that sheep to turn himself into a GIRL! Now let's go steal it! / Waldo: Okay, but eat some prunes first. / Steve: What? Why? / Waldo: You're full of it.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - August 26, 2005||[[Margaret's bedroom.]] / Margaret: HEY! Is someone in there??? / Dave: Uh... yeah. / Margaret: Dave? What's going on? / Dave: I'm sorry if I disturbed you. Mike's going to terminate my life contract, and I just escaped through the window. / Margaret: AGAIN??? Dave, do you EVER learn? / Dave: Apparently not. Why are you crying? / Margaret: I'm not crying. / Dave: Your eyes are red. / Margaret: Pfft! Soap got in my eyes. God, you're drenched... you're going to catch pneumonia! / Margaret: Here, you can have my towel. / [[Margaret takes her towel off and offers it to Dave. Dave looks nonplussed.]]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - August 29, 2005||[[Margaret's bedroom. Margaret is holding out the towel she was using to dry off after a shower]] / Margaret: What? What's the matter? / Margaret: I know it's not completely dry, but it's better than nothing. / Dave: Why do you keep doing this to me? / Margaret: [[wrapping herself in the towel again]] Doing what? / Dave: You KNOW what. Lying to me. Treating me like I'm not a man. / Margaret: I don't get it. / Dave: *sigh* Why do I even bother? Good-bye, Margaret. / Margaret: [[grabbing Dave's shoulder as he goes to leave]] Wait, that's IT??? You tell me off, then you just go on with your business? / Margaret: I DON'T think so.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - August 30, 2005||[[Margaret's bedroom.]]
/ Dave: Let me go, Margaret.
/ Margaret: Sure I'll let you go. After we talk.
/ Dave: I don't want to talk.
/ Margaret: Too bad. You started it.
/ Dave: Margaret, I don't want to be here, and you just can't... / [[Margaret slams Dave into the wall.]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - August 31, 2005||[[Margaret's bedroom.]] / Dave: You're not serious. / Margaret: Sure, why not? / Dave: Because... we're just FRIENDS. / Margaret: So what? It would be nice, don't you think? / Dave: THKCH? / Margaret: No strings attached. And you can get it out of the way. / [[Dave goggles at her]] / [[Dave pushes her hand aside and walks out]] / Dave: You and I... / Dave: We're 100,000 light-years apart. / Dave: Opposite sides of the f#@%ing galaxy.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 1, 2005||[[In the guys' apartment. Mike approaches Roger, Lily and Lanolin]] / Mike: Hey Roger, Roger-clone and Dolly. / Roger: Mmh. Do I want to know why your father visited? / Mike: Of course. He invited me to stay with him for Spring Break, undoubtedly to destroy my life. / Roger: Then what's the smile about? / Mike: Destruction. An endless sea of the sweet, sweet sap of destruction. / [[Dave stumbles in]] / Dave: Great. On top of everything else, I'm going CRAZY. / Roger: What happened to you? / Dave: Almost nothing, Roger One. Margaret just asked if I wanted to be her f#@%buddy. / Roger: So what are you doing here? / Dave: What, you think I said yes? / Roger: [[to Lily]] Could you take Lanolin out to the hall? My roommates are freaking me out, and it could be dangerous for her. / Lily: Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I always get incredibly horny while in terror too.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 2, 2005||[[In the guys' apartment.]] / Mike: So... let me see if I got it. You were talking on my cell phone. / Dave: Uh-huh. / Mike: And you got angry. / Dave: Very. / Mike: You threw the phone across the room. / Dave: I was trying to throw it at the bed. I... missed. / Mike: Phone went through the window. Met the pavement. Shattered into molecules. That it? / Dave: Dust to dust, yo. / Mike: You realize Roger broke my OTHER cell phone, and now I have no phone, thanks to my soon-to-be late roomies. / Dave: I... uh, I'll pay for it? / Mike: PffftHAHAHAH! HAH! HAH! Pay for it, he says! Indeed you'll PAY, my friend! HAHAHAHAH HAHA! / Dave: Hum! Yeah, that's what I meant too. Look, could you cut down the creepy laughter and give me my beating already? I have a pneumonia to catch.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 5, 2005||Mike: RIGHT. Enough jolliness. Now c'mere, my knuckles and your face are on a DATE. / Dave: Wait a minute, Mike! Even if I destroyed your cell phone, I'm not gonna let you beat me with your robot hand. It hits like freaking roll of COINS! / Mike: This is not for destroying my phone, man. That's for later. But I don't LIKE the way you lose your temper around Blue. I think you need to be reminded I'm her overprotective big bro. / Dave: It wasn't Blue who made me mad, it was Jay! / Mike: Oh? / Dave: He had Blue's phone! And, he told me they were together again... / Mike: What are you, the Baffling Brainless Boy? He was obviously lying to you. / Dave: What? How do you know? / Mike: I know Jay. He's a jerk. And if Blue was gonna dump you just because you said something stupid, she wouldn't have started liking you in the first place. / Dave: [[light dawns]] Wow, you're absolutely right! And INSULTING. / Mike: Michael Redford Green, that's me. / Dave: Thanks for the first, go lick a volcano for the second.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 6, 2005||[[Steve and Waldo's apartment. Waldo's wearing a blue T-shirt reading "PSYCHO-SMURF". Steve is leading Lanolin]]
/ Steve: HAHA! Those idiots should know better than to leave such a valuable sheep out in the hall where anybody can steal it!
/ Waldo: Except, who would want to?
/ Steve: This is a SHEEFT, you moron. With the proper incantation, you can turn into ANYTHING!
/ Waldo: Oh, I see. So you want to be a girl, huh? Well, you already look like one...
/ Steve: NAH! Doofus, if we sacrifice this sheep, we can summon the god of Shapeshifting! / Waldo: Wait a minute. You're talking about ZUUL?
/ Steve: Bah, who wants Zuul when you can have GOZER?
/ Waldo: *I* do! Zuul is a hot chick in a see-through outfit, while Gozer is a giant marshmallow man!
/ Steve: You idiot, it doesn't HAVE to be a marshmallow man! It can be anything!
/ Waldo: Like WHAT?
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 7, 2005||[[Girls' apartment.]] / April: Welllllll? What did *just* happen between you two? / Margaret: You know? I have no idea. / April: Pssch. One's soaked and the other's in a robe. If I had to guess... / Margaret: No, I was not trying to drown him in the bathtub. / April: Aw, NOW you're just being annoying. Are you two back together or not? / Margaret: No, I think he actually hates me. I don't understand guys at all. / [[April turns to go]] / Margaret: They say they'd like something, and when you... HEY! If you're not interested, why do you even ask? / April: Sorry, I just don't want to depress myself. / Margaret: What's to you, anyway? / April: Nothing, really. I was just hoping the good guys won for a change, you know?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 8, 2005||[[Dave is outside, in the rain, at a pay phone.]] / Dave: Thad, could I speak to Blue, please? / Dave: Yeah, it's Dave! And hurry it up, if you don't mind! / Dave: Geez, I didn't think butlers even knew such profanities! / Dave: Blue? Hi. Uh, listen. No, never mind that, I have only a little bit of time on my card, and this is important. / Dave: First, I'm sorry I said such awful things to you. / Dave: It was stupid. You were right. The whole thing is stupid. / Dave: But Blue... this is real. This is a real problem for me, you know? / Dave: I *know* it's not your fault. I am the one who's got to look for a way to solve it. And I promise I will, somehow. / Dave: Yeah, you too. And Blue? / Dave: I... I love you. / [[Dave hangs up and walks away smiling.]]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! September 9, 2005||[[Dave is outside, walking back to the apartments in the rain.]] / Dave: [[thinking]] Wow, that was surprisingly easy. / Dave: [[thinking]] Why do I always have to make things complicated? / Dave: [[thinking]] She's so wonderful. / Dave: [[thinking]] And... I said it! I finally said it. / Dave: [[thinking]] I don't know if I will have a relationship with her, but it's good to love someone who loves you back. / Dave: [[thinking]] It paints the world with light. Everything looks and feels great. / [[Dave turns his face to the rain, his eyes closed]] / Dave: [[thinking]] Like the rain. Wow, this rain! / Dave: [[thinking]] It's like the sky is falling... / [[Dave fails to notice Steve falling toward him]]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 12, 2005||[[Outside the apartment. Steve has landed on Dave; both are sprawled on the wet concrete]] / Dave: ACK! What the...??? Steve, get the Hell off me! / Steve: I'm trying! Stop squirming already! Do you think I'd fall out of the window TWICE in the same day just for the fun of it? / Dave: TWICE??? If that's not the definition of stupid, I don't know what it is! / [[Both pick themselves up and rub their respective injuries]] / Waldo: [[from above, off panel]] HAHAHAH! AMUSING! / Steve: GRRR... / Dave: YEOW! Congratulations, you idiot child of darkness! I think you just sprained my WRIST! / Steve: Well, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I didn't sprain your ass! / Dave: My *writing* wrist! / Steve: Whine whine whine bitch moan complain complain. See ya never. / [[Waldo, evidently having also been knocked out of the window by Lanolin, is in midair, about to land on Dave.]] / Dave: Yeah, you go before I melt you into a puddle to cure your chronic defenestration! What do you think I am, a landing spot for MORONS?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 13, 2005||[[Roger and Lily are in the kitchen of the guys' apartment.]] / Roger: Okay. I have a better idea. What if I spend Spring Break with Mom and you go visit Dad? We shouldn't forget about him. / Lily: No, I think it should be better if we both go visit Mom and then Dad. / Roger: Hum! Is there something you're not telling me? / Lily: Right! Ahem. I'm crushing your head! / Roger: You're not going to distract me with a catch phrase contest. / Lily: Please. What could I possibly be hiding from you? The Guessing Master? / Roger: Right. So this is a game too? Well okay. / Lily: You're never gonna guess it, so quit it. / Roger: HAH! We'll see. Mmhhh... Lanoline is grape-flavored? / Lily: GRRR! Damn your ingenious brain!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 14, 2005||[[In the girls' apartment.]] / Marsha: What did April say to you? Tell tell tell! / Margaret: Something about the good guys. And winning. Dunno. / Marsha: Yeah yeah. And that means...? / Margaret: Who knows? I didn't get it. / Marsha: Dammit! Margaret, if we're going to figure out what's with her, we have to start paying attention. / Margaret: Pfft! We? Okay, I have enough problems of my own, you know. / Marsha: Bah, if you mean the thing with Dave, I can help you fix that quickly. I don't know why you were crying, but I bet it can be fixed too. / Margaret: I don't think it can be... Wait! How do you know? Are you spying on me? / Marsha: Nevermind that. The thing is, I am SURE April is shtoinking someone, and we need to know... / Margaret: Oh, YES I DO MIND! / Marsha: Um... I have... really good hearing?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 15, 2005||[[In the apartment hallway]] / Lily: The HELL? I can't believe someone stole Lanolin! We left her outside for like what, five minutes??? / Roger: How do you know someone stole her? Maybe she just left. / Lily: I was thinking that! But she can't reach the elevator buttons. So no, someone stole her. / Roger: Don't be ridiculous. Who would steal a sheep? It's not like wool sweaters are that "in". / Lily: Dammit! Now I have to get another purple sheep before we go see Mom! / Roger: Why do you...? Yes. Yes you should. / Lily: But they are so hard to find! Oh, screw it. I'm gonna find Lanolin. / Roger: And open a can of whoop-ass? / Lily: ANDY WARHOL sized can of WHOOP-ASS.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 16, 2005||[[Hallway, outside Waldo and Steve's apartment.]] / Lily: (think) Aha! Sheep smell! Getting stronger... / [[Waldo, nose andaged, opens the door of his apartment. They look at each other.]] / Lily: *shrieks*....Oh my GOD! The UGLINESS of it ALL! / ...................... / Lily (now smiling): So... terrifying... tightbuns. / Waldo: *shrieks*|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 19, 2005||[[In the guys' bedroom.]] / Roger: Okay Mike, I'll fix your robot hand. / Mike: Wow, so GENEROUS of you! What do you want? / Roger: Look, Lily doesn't know Mom is dead, and I don't know how to tell her! / Mike: So, you want me to tell her for you? / Roger: Holy Screaming Banshee, God FORBID! / Mike: Then what? / Roger: Who knows? Ain't you supposed to be the King of Manipulation? Think of something! / Mike: You're desperate, aren't you? / Roger: Absolutely not. / Mike: My robot hand. And something else. / Roger: All right. But no body parts involved. / Mike: No conditions from you. Yes or no, take it or leave it. / Roger: I don't think I'll be writing this in my LiverJournal.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 20, 2005||[[Mike and Steve are in the apartment hallway.]] / Mike: A-HA! So you were the one who stole Lanolin! / Steve: Ummm... No, I didn't? / Mike: Yes you did! You have caused us great grief and grouchiness. Bad Steve! / Steve: Okay, so I did. Anyway, I decided to let you have it. / Mike: OOOh! We're privileged! The Mighty Dorks have had mercy on our souls and have decided to return our sheep! / Steve: Well, yeah. You should be grateful. / Mike: EXCEPT we DON'T want it back! / Steve: Well, me neither! / [[Mike drags Steve off down the hallway, along with the sheep.]] / Mike: Tsk tsk Steve. I think you just don't know what you want. First you want the sheep, then you don't. Maybe you need some time to think about it? / Steve: Wait, what are you doing??? / Mike: I'll explain it this way. She's the loan, you are the INTEREST!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 21, 2005||[[In the guys' apartment. There's a ruckus coming from the closet. Mike spins a key on his finger]]
/ <<#@%>> <> <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 22, 2005||[[Waldo runs into the guys' apartment]]
/ Waldo: OUTTA MY WAY! DEATH RIDES BESIDE ME!
/ Waldo: FEMALE ROGER WANTS TO SEX ME UP! / Mike: Female Roger, huh? Heh. Well, this is not a very good place to hide. He's got a KEY, you know...
/ Waldo: Because I'm looking for Steve! Is he here or not?
/ Mike: Funny you should ask... / [[More noise coming from the closet.]]
/ <<#@$%!!!>> <<#@$%!!!>> <
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