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|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 23, 2005||[[In the guys' apartment. Both of Dave's wrists are bandaged]] / Mike: What's with the bandages? / Dave: Oh, nothing. The Universe, emphasizing once more just how much it hates me. / Mike: I swear to Cthulhu, Dave, you're a walking and babbling accident. What happened to you this time? / Dave: Well, I got my right wrist sprained when STUPID Steve went out his window and FELL on me. / Mike: Heheh! Next time be sure to have one of those little umbrellas on you, and an "Ouch!" sign... / Dave: It's not funny, Mike. And you know what's not funnier? / Dave: Just ten seconds later, WALDO fell on me too! / Mike: Pftt! I rest my case. And that's how you sprained your left wrist? / Dave: No, I actually got this one sprained when I PUNCHED Waldo into the next eon.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 26, 2005||[[Marsha and Margaret are outside the guys' apartment.]] / Margaret: This is COMPLETELY useless. / Marsha: Silence, woman! Mike? Hey Mike, is Dave home? Margaret wants to have a little chat with him! / [[Inside the apartment.]] / Dave: Hell no. Don't open that door, Mike. I don't want to talk to her, not after this day. / Mike: But she knows I'm here! I can't refuse to open the door to my girl just because YOU have problems! / Dave: Well, then wait a minute until I hide somewhere! / Mike: Waaait. Did you say... hide? / Dave: Yes, hide! So??? / [[Total darkness. Only eyes are visible]] / Dave: OH. / Roger: Occupied. / Steve: Great, now we're officially outnumbered by the animals.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 27, 2005||[[Mike has let Marsha and Margaret in]] / Marsha: DON'T lie, Mike. Where is Dave? / Mike: He's not here. Haven't seen him in a while. / Marsha: Define "here" and "a while." / Mike: This cubic meter. Ten seconds. / Margaret: Look, if he doesn't want to see me... / Marsha: Hold it there. So, WHERE is he? / Mike: Look, I promised I wouldn't tell. And breaking a promise is wrong. / [[Marsha starts tickling Mike.]] / Marsha: Wrong? Like what, BREATHING? / Mike: Sssstop itHHHEEEE HEEEHEEEEHEEEE HEEEEHEEEHEEE / [[Inside the closet.]] / Dave: He caved in after only two hours? Wimp. / Roger: No, I think it was actually ten seconds, that FELT like two hours. / Marsha: [[outside the closet]] And you're not getting out until you fix your stupid! / Margaret: But I *STILL* don't know what the Hell I'm doing here! / Steve: Great. Now we get girls in here, but they're either wooly or testosterony.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 28, 2005||[[Guys' apartment, inside the closet.]] / Dave: So you don't know what you're doing here. Is there SOMETHING you know? / Margaret: Look. I wanted to say I'm sorry. That's all. / Dave: For WHAT? / Margaret: I don't know! I don't know why you ALWAYS get mad at me! / Roger: He just takes things too seriously, you know. / Dave: Shut UP, Roger. / Dave: You just don't get it, and you're never gonna get it, and talking is a waste of time, because you always end up hurting me anyway! / Margaret: But I don't WANT to hurt you! / Dave: What DIFFERENCE does it make??? / Margaret: Uh... okay... Right. You're right. / Margaret: *sob* / Steve, Waldo and Roger: [[to Dave]] JERK.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - September 29, 2005||[[Inside the closet.]] / Dave: Ugh. Okay, I'm sorry I yelled at you. Please don't cry. / Margaret: *sniff* Don't worry. It's just... this has not been a good day. / Dave: Uh? Why? What happened? / Margaret: Oh, I saw Roger's sister on the hall. And I realized... I haven't apologized. And I have to... / Roger: WHAT? No you WON'T!!! / Margaret: But it's eating me inside! / Roger: I don't care! / Margaret: I HAVE to do something! / Roger: Margaret, she doesn't know you killed Mom, and if you tell her, I'm gonna tell Dave YOU-KNOW-WHAT! / Margaret: You absolutely don't want to do that if you ever want to have puppies. / Dave: Wait a minute. Tell me what? / Margaret: Nothing. / Waldo: Is this EVER gonna be about sex? / Steve: Shh, I think it's coming up...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - October 3, 2005||[[Outside the closet. Mike carries Marsha]]
/ Mike: Well, everybody's in the closet. Up for a game while we wait for Lily?
/ Marsha: Game? Heheh. Isn't your pirate hat in the wash, dear?
/ Mike: Bah. I still have my SWORD.
/ Marsha: Arrrr. Pillage and plunder away, matey! / Mike: Yeah, I'm the deadliest pirate of the seven S[[obscured]]S!
/ [[There's a knock at the door.]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - October 4, 2005||[[Inside the closet]] / Dave: I DEMAND to know what's that you're talking about. / Margaret: Don't you DARE, Roger. You'll regret it. / Roger: Fine. We'll BOTH keep our mouth shut. See? Everybody happy! / Waldo: I'm not happy. / Steve: Me neither. / Dave: You guys don't count. / Waldo: Aaaw... / Dave: Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Roger, if you don't tell me, *I* am gonna tell Lily. / Roger: What? Dave, you mofo! / Margaret: Yeah, Dave. QUITE. / Dave: Don't care. I'm serious. Spill it. / Roger: All RIGHT. What she doesn't want you to know is that... / Margaret: Roger and I had sex. / Roger and Dave: WHAT???? / Waldo: And THERE it is! / Steve: Told ya.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - October 5, 2005||[[Inside the closet.]] / Dave: I can't believe it. / Roger: LIES! Lying LIAR! She loves you, that's why she's LYING! / Margaret: Nope. / Dave: I do NOT BELIEVE THIS!!! / Roger: You shouldn't, because she's a LIAR! / [[Dave's eyes begin to glow, an eerie blue light in the blackness of the closet]] / Dave: YOU! How could you, man??? HOW COULD YOU!? / Roger: Hey, redirect your anger! I'm telling you I DIDN'T! She's lying! / Margaret: And why do YOU care, Mr. "I-don't-love-you-anymore?" / Waldo: DUDE! No smoking in the PREMISES! / Steve: Yeah, Jesus doesn't love pyromaniacs. / [[Dave calms and the glow fades]] / Dave: I'm not speaking to you guys. I hope you have enjoyed it. / Margaret: Well, it was okay. Nothing to write home about, tho. / Roger: See? That's how you know she's lying! She would have said it was wonderful if it was true! / Steve: Not enough foreplay huh? / Waldo: He probably fell asleep right afterwards too.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - October 6, 2005||[[Outside the closet, Mike helps Marsha to her feet]] / Marsha: Jesus! Mike, what gives??? / Mike: SHHHH! Marsha, my Mom is outside! / Marsha: So what? Open the door! / Mike: Are you CRAZY? I don't want her to see my place, me, and even less YOU! / Marsha: Mike, this is ridiculous! We just got engaged. Do you think she's not gonna meet me, ever? / Mike: That is the best idea since fire and the wheel and the remote control. / [[Inside the closet]] / Marsha: Oof! Okay people, we're just going to have to stop eating so much. / Roger: No, I think *I* should start eating a LOT. / Dave: That's it. I'm OUT of HERE! / Mike: Mom's outside. / Dave: I'm staying. / Mike: Don't breathe! She can smell our FEAR!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Hallway, outside the guys' apartment. Hazel Green stands at the door. April approaches]] / Hazel: Excuse me, do you know Michael Green? / April: Sure, I live next door. / Hazel: Do you know if he's home? I heard some noise inside, but nobody's opening the door... / April: Maybe he didn't hear you. Wait a minute, we have a key... / Hazel: Great! Thank you very much. / April: You're welcome! You're Mike's mom, right? / Hazel: Yes I am. And you are? / April: I am... Mike's GIRLFRIEND. / Imaginary Wiser Floating April: April, what are you DOING??? / Hazel: Ooh! You look like a nice girl. / April: Heheh! Thanks! / Hazel: Also, you look like a skanky ho.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - October 10, 2005||[[Inside the closet.]] / Dave: Oof! Wait! You guys are CRUSHING me! / Marsha: If Margaret and Dave solved their issues, they could get out... / Margaret: Dave AND Roger hate me now, Marsha. THANK YOU so very much. / Roger: Yes I hate your LYING teeth. And the rest of you too. / Steve: The rest of her is not so hateable. / Waldo: More like squeezable. / Mike: Shhh! Heels a-clicking! / Marsha: Geez, I have to explain everything! See, Dave, it's not that she doesn't treat you like a man. It's just that she doesn't feel like a woman at ALL. / Margaret: What??? That's not true! / Waldo: OOOOH! HSSSS! / Dave: GNNN... / Marsha: Yes it is. You dress like a hobo. / Steve: CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! / Margaret: I think you sniffed a little too much nail polish. / Mike: Okay. I'll solve this the easy way. / Steve: Son of LaBlue Girl! What are you doing with MMMFH! / Mike: Duct tape. Anybody else up for it? / Margaret: Hey! Who's groping my BUTT? / Roger: Not me. I'm not into HOBO butts. / Dave: Thank you, I already was duct-taped this month.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - October 11, 2005||[[Inside the closet.]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - October 12, 2005||[[Outside the closet. The closet door has burst off its hinges, and everyone is in a monkey-pile on the floor. Hazel stands, looking down at the pile. Diana has just walked in.]]
/ Diana: What kind of FILTHY DEPRAVATION is THIS???
/ Roger: Diana, babe! It's NOT what it looks like!
/ Diana: More importantly, WHY am I NOT in IT??!!
/ Hazel: I think I might have to ground you this time, Michael.
/ Mike: Uh, hi, Ma.
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - October 13, 2005||[[The human debris has been tidied away]] / Mike: Before you drag me to the Maximum Fun Chamber, Ma, I want to say we were not doing anything in there. We were just hiding to play a prank on someone... / Hazel: Very well, Michael. I don't care what you do if you're only having fun. It's when you take stuff seriously that I start worrying. / Mike: Uuh. Gotcha. Okay. / Hazel: Also, I wanted to tell you that you're spending Spring Break with your Dad, not me. / Mike: Yeah, I know. He already told me. / Hazel: Well, I wanted to make sure you actually ARE going. / Mike: And WHY wouldn't I, Ma? / Hazel: Maybe you'd think I'm up to something. / Mike: YOU??? UP to SOMETHING??? Pfft! / Hazel: Aw, you're so cute when you're sarcastic. The truth is, honey, I'm going to be very busy with my incoming wedding. / Mike: So you're getting rid of me? Aaaaw! / Hazel: [[winking]] Heheh. Yes, you're off the hook. You just keep doing your thing, and everybody happy! / Mike: ...sure, Ma.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - October 14, 2005||Mike: Geez, Ma. There was no need to come all the way here to tell me this, you know.
/ Hazel: I'm your mother, Michael. I just wanted to see if you were okay.
/ Mike: No need to worry, Ma. I'm always okay, unless I'm dead.
/ [[Hazel's cell phone rings]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Mike stares, stunned, into the middle distance. Hazel leaves]] / [[Mike continues to stare, stunned]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - October 18, 2005||[[Mike is on the phone, gathering his bungee gear.]] / Mike: Roger! Roger, get Marsha! / Roger: [[through phone]] She's changing. / Mike: ACK! Okay, man, I need you to go out RIGHT now and distract my mother! I don't care how! / Roger: [[through phone]] Me??? I'd laugh if I wasn't so pissed. / Mike: [[through phone]] Look, man, this is not about me! / Roger: Nah. Don't think so, sucker. / Mike: [[through phone]] Do as I say, or I'll ruin your life so bad you'll wish you were DAVE. / [[In the hallway. Hazel waits for the elevator. Roger approaches]] / Roger: Oh my GOD you're sizzlin' HOT!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave buries his head in the bed]] / Margaret: I don't understand you at ALL! You said you were over me! What are you so angry about? Besides, it all happened so fast... / Dave: I don't want to hear this! I don't want to hear ANYTHING! And even less from YOU! / Margaret: Well, it was YOU who asked! You INSISTED you wanted to know! I didn't want to tell you, because I knew you'd be like this! / Dave: For the love of all that's hairy, go AWAY, Margaret. / Margaret: You're in MY room, you know. / Dave: So? You could be nice. For a change. / Margaret: And go to Hell when you say so? / Dave: YES! No wait, make me a sandwich before that.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives 24/10/05||[[Margaret presents Dave with a sandwich]] / Margaret: Here's your stupid sandwich. / Dave: Hey, there's no need to be rude. What, no fries on the side? / Margaret: No, but how about I stick a whole potato down your throat? / Dave: I swear, I don't even know what the Hell I saw in you. / Margaret: When you figure it out, YOU tell me. / Dave: I must be an idiot because you're just a horrible person. I was trying to get over you, and you go and have meaningless sex with my roommate? / Margaret: How do YOU know it was meaningless? And why do you think you own me? / Dave: I don't think I own you, it's just... ah, what's the point. It's only cold and cruel logic with you. You don't even TRY to understand. / Margaret: Whatever. / Dave: Plus your sandwiches taste like styrofoam. / Margaret: Yeah, we're not letting Marsha do the grocery shopping anymore.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives 25/10/05||Margaret: Really, I don't know what the big deal is. You and Blue are schtoinking, so what? I do whatever I want, so get off my face.
/ Margaret: Besides, I just offered you some, and you declined! So...
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - October 31, 2005||[[Outside the apartment. Mike (wearing bungee gear) is holding himself, upside down, on a pole. A cop calls from beneath him]]
/ Earl: [[off-panel]] Hey, kid, get down here! I'm gonna give you a ticket!
/ Mike: The HELL??? Why?
/ Earl: [[off-panel]] Illegal parking!
/ Mike: I don't have a vehicle.
/ Earl: [[off-panel]] Ummm... then you're LOITERING. / Mike: [[off-panel]] But I'm not standing on the street!
/ Earl: Well, then you're Ploitering. If that's not illegal, it's definitely annoying!
/ Mike: Sheesh. Okay, I'm gonna need help getting down. Could you MMPH, hold this for me?
/ [[Mike gives Earl the bungee harness.]]
/ Earl: Yeah, fine, whatever, kid. / [[Mike lets go of the harness. It retracts, taking Earl with it]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 1, 2005||[[Mike knocks on the window of a limo parked outside his apartment]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 2, 2005||Tyler: Look, Mike, don't give me an excuse to kick your ass. Mom is here to see you. She's not here, so how so I know you're not trying to steal the van to escape from her? So BEAT IT.
/ Mike: [[backing away]] Pssch! All right, Ty, I believe you! I'll back off... There's no NEED to get VIOLENT! / Mike: OUT of ENJOYMENT, on the other hand...
/ [[Mike slugs Tyler with his robot hand]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 3, 2005||[[Mike has opened the door to the Green limo and is looking in.]]
/ Mike: All right, this is IT!
/ Mike: Unhand my girlfriend, you villains, or I'll bitch-slap you with my mighty... wait... / [[Two of Hazel's thugs are in the back seat playing Halo. There are zero females in sight.]]
/ Thug #1: Sheesh, Mike. If you're looking for the blondie, we let her go five minutes ago.
/ Thug #2: Yeah. Nice rack, by the way!
/ Thug #1: So unless you're up for some Halo, could you close the door? You're letting air conditioning out. / Mike: No, thank you. Don't you know there's a link between playing video games and aggressive AAACK!!!
/ [[Mike is pulled back from the doorframe]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 4, 2005||[[In Margaret's bedroom]] / Dave: In the end, I keep wondering if we have ever been friends at all. You never accept any help, you never tell me what troubles you, and you ALWAYS lie to me. / Margaret: Dave? Don't get me started. / Dave: Oh, PLEASE. / Margaret: You're a huge hypocrite. You get angry because I keep things from you, and YOU lied to me about Chester for MONTHS. / Dave: That's different! I was trying to help you! I was *embarrassed* about the whole soul-cat thing! / Margaret: [[shaking Dave by the shoulders]] You DRIVE ME CRAZY, Dave! You make no sense to me, and I end up hurting you no matter what I do or say! Can't you see that I love you so much, but I just can't freaking STAND YOU??? / Dave: You did NOT just SAY THAT!!! / Margaret: Get out.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 7, 2005||Margaret: Yeah, I do love you. Happy now? / Dave: Happy. You think I'm happy. / Margaret: Well, isn't that what you wanted? I'm telling the truth. I'm talking about my stupid feelings. There. / Dave: Hhh...hhh. Hhhhh...hhhh... / Margaret: Stop hyperventalating, Dave. Dammit. / Dave: hhh.... / Dave: GAAAAAH! / [[Dave peers at the hair he's just pulled from his own head]] / Dave: Ow! / Margaret: OUT!!!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 8, 2005||[[Inside her apartment, Marsha talks to Lanolin]] / Marsha: Well, I have no idea why Mike wants me to keep you here, but I guess it's a good thing we don't have rugs. / Marsha: I wonder what you guys eat? / Marsha: I don't have any grass. How about carrots? Lettuce? / [[Marsha gives Lanolin the manga-eyes.]] / Marsha: Chicken marinara, maaaaybe? / [[Lanolin has vanished. The window in the background has a Lanolin-shaped hole in it]] / Marsha: Sheesh! I could make Mexican too, you know!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 9, 2005||[[Outside the apartments. Tyler has beaten Mike a few times, and is preparing to continue]]
/ Mike: You know Ty, you really should stop beating me.
/ Tyler: Gimme a GOOD reason.
/ Mike: Let's see... uh... yeah, purple sheep about to fall on you?
/ Tyler: Gods, you're not even trying anymore, huh, Mike? / [[Lanolin falls on Tyler.]]
/ Mike: Heh! Well, sometimes I don't even have to...
/ Lanolin: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 10, 2005||[[The apartment building stairs. April is sitting on the steps, crying.]] / Mike: So, THERE you are. Are you okay? Physically, at least. / April: Y-yeah. What... what happened to you? / Mike: What do YOU think, April? Really. Take a wild guess. / April: I... got you beaten up again? / Mike: Wow, hole in one. And? / April: You're gonna hate me forever? / Mike: Nah, I don't think I'm gonna live that long.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 11, 2005||[[The apartment building stairs. April and Mike are sitting on the steps, April weeps. Mike bleeds]] / April: I told her... them, I told them I lied. But they didn't believe me. / Mike: Figures. But I still don't understand why you did that. / April: I don't know, Mike. Honestly. I have no idea. / Mike: What am I going to do with you, April? You got me in a lot of trouble and you put yourself in danger. / April: I know. I'm sorry. / [[Mike smiles sadly at April]] / Mike: No, REALLY. I don't mean it in a cutesy way. / Mike: What am I gonna do with you, April? / Mike: Since you don't understand kindness, what's it gonna be? / Mike: Do I make you move out, transfer to some other college? / Mike: Or do I make you perform a more... PERMANENT... disappearing act?|
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