You're browsing the archives of College Roomies From Hell.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 14, 2005||[[The apartment building stairs. April and Mike are sitting on the steps]] / April: Is... are you threatening me? With DEATH? / Mike: I'm just warning you. And you know what? You're going to BEG me to do it. / April: Are you crazy??? I'm never going to ask you to kill me. / Mike: I didn't say I'd kill you. I said I'd make you disappear. New identity and all that. / April: What... why? / Mike: Because now that my mother believes you're my girlfriend, she'll just wait the right moment to destroy you. / April: You can't be serious. You're just trying to scare me. / Mike: I don't expect fear from you, Trapeze Girl. / Mike: And I should let it happen, instead of probably getting my ass kicked yet again while I try to save your sorry and useless stalking butt. / April: If I'm so useless, then why do you keep on saving me? Mmh? / Mike: Because I'm stupid, and because you used to be my friend. But right now, you're about as useless as tits on a bowl. / April: "Bull." / Mike: No, you REALLY are that useless.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 16, 2005||[[Mike and April are sitting on the apartment steps]] / April: I'm not useless. And I'll prove it to you. / Mike: April, if it wasn't for NOES, I'd prefer it if you just went away. But really, I'm almost considering giving up on you as a lost cause. / April: Yeah? Well don't do me any freaking favors. I can take care of myself. / Mike: Whatever. But you don't know what you're saying. You have no idea what you're up against. / [[Hazel and Roger stroll by]] / Hazel: And then he came home crying because he was too small compared to the rest of the boys! / Roger: BWAAAHAHAH!!! Stop! Stop it, you're KILLING ME!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 17, 2005||[[Outside the apartment building]] / Roger: [[demonstrating with his hands]] Ah, Mike. Your mom. Truly a delightful woman! And that ass on her, there's only one word to describe it... / Mike: Speaking of ass, Roger. I've go this ITCH on my FOOT... / Roger: "Respectable!" That's it! / [[Dave mopes out]] / Dave: My life is entropy. Off to drink bleach. / Mike: Okay, now that's just stupid. / Dave: Don't try to talk me out of it. / Mike: No, I mean, why would we ever have bleach? Psha! You poor fool. / Roger: For God's sake, Dave, I'm telling you I DID NOT have sex with her!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, November 18, 2005||[[Roger chats to a disheveled Lily]] / Lily: So, yeah. I think I'll have to go home and try to find another sheep. / Roger: Right! Good idea. VERY good idea. / Lily: If you know anything, call me. / Roger: Sure! But since you already looked for her... / Lily: To be honest, I didn't look in a lot of places. / Roger: How so? I thought you really wanted this sheep back. / Lily: I was... uh. Distracted. / [[Spikey's car wash. The attendant's clothing is in disarray]] / Attendant: Uh, boss? I'm sorry I took a 5-hour lunch break, but considering the day I've had... / Boss: [[off-panel]] Yer fired.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 21, 2005||[[Marsha and April sit on the couch]]
/ Marsha: So Mike told me what happened. Way to go, April. Way to go.
/ April: I do NOT want to talk about it, Marsha.
/ Marsha: You don't? I'm not surprised. You don't get called "useless" by the guy you're in love with every day.
/ April: Will you please shut up? You have NO idea how I feel. / Marsha: You think? Today I tried to make Dave and Margaret good friends again. They're not speaking to each other.
/ Marsha: Also, Roger is pissed at Margaret, and I lost the sheep that was under my care.
/ Marsha: Furthermore, you got Mike in trouble again, and WHO is the one that keeps trying to convince him to give you another chance?
/ Marsha: So yeah. I know the feeling. / [[April sulks, contemplating, as Marsha stalks out]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 22, 2005||[[Margaret is in the bathroom. Roger walks in.]] / Margaret: Uh... occupied? / Roger: If you don't care about what you're doing to me or Diana, think about Dave. The poor guy is WRECKED. Show some decency and tell him the truth. / Margaret: I told him the truth, Roger. That's why he's wrecked. / Roger: You told him you love him? RIIIGHT. Well, suppose I believe you. You still have to tell him you lied about you and me. / Margaret: Except I didn't lie, Roger. / Roger: Why are you insisting in saying that? We're alone. You and I know... / Margaret: You don't remember. You really don't remember? / Roger: What...? Okay, I'm confused. / Margaret: Yeah, well. Maybe you're better off that way.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Roger: OOoooh s[[obscured]]. Ddddd-did I...? / Margaret: Are you missing a body part? Besides your brain, I mean. / Roger: I... but why in the world would you...? / Margaret: Who knows? Perhaps we were lonely and we had something in common. Perhaps we had a bond. Perhaps I felt guilty and felt like I owed it to you. / Margaret: Anyway, I thought Di was pretty liberal about this kind of stuff. If she's not, I can talk to her. And ruin things further, no doubt. / Roger: Can I borrow your toothpaste for a minute? / Margaret: It depends. Are you gonna use it so Animal Control mistakes you for a rabid dog and puts you down? / Roger: Yes. / Margaret: Then forget it.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 25, 2005||[[Roger lies awake, hugging Pepe and Fluffy]] / [[Marsha is in bed, alone with her thoughts and unable to sleep]] / [[Margaret contemplates the past hapless day instead of trying to sleep]] / [[Mike can't sleep -- he stares miserably into the future]] / [[April buries her face in her pillow]] / [[Dave's thoughts keep him awake all night]] / [[Blue is out in the field at her mother's estate, on Expresso's back. Her cell phone is still at her ear -- she hasn't moved since Dave's phone call. A giant sparkly valentine fills the sky behind her. Thadeus stands nearby in his pajamas]]
/ Expresso: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 28, 2005||[[Morning. The guys' apartment.]]
/ Mike: Hey, aren't you going to class?
/ Dave: Dead head. Bold cold. Brain in pain.
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 29, 2005||Mike: Okay guys, I know I'm acting like some kind of Bizarro Mike, but don't you THINK we have missed enough classes already? / Dave: [[Chester climbing over his head]] Psch, what's the POINT? We're failing anyway. And spiralling into a descent of madness, heartbreak, and vomit-cleaning employment. / Roger: I second the fur-wearing zombie. / Mike: Well, I WAS going to talk to Dover about that test we missed, but it's not gonna help our case if you don't show up! / Roger: I think I'll stay and practice dying. / Dave: I second the ramen-eating debris. / Mike: Right. Well, I guess I'll go to class and leave you guys alone. / Mike: Enjoy your time together. I'm sure you guys have a lot of things to talk about. Like MARGARET. / [[Roger stops munching his ramen. Chester's fur stands on end]] / [[Dave and Roger catch up to Mike by the mailboxes]] / Mike: Heh! Glad to see you're back in the land of the living... wait a minute. To come down this fast, you guys HAD to use the shower together, am I right? / Roger: [[his mouth full of soggy ramen]] Plbs dnn rmmnd mnh... / Dave: Drop dead off an ebola-infested quicksand volcano cliff, Mike.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - November 30, 2005||[[MIke and Margaret are in the classroom, before class. The blackboard reads "PIKACHULHU?"]] / Mike: Hey, you left too early! / Marsha: Yeah. Sorry, I had a bad night and Margaret drank all the coffee. Besides, I wanted to get out of the apartment. / Mike: Bad time with the roommates, huh? / Marsha: Well, it's like this. Remember that time we were lost underground, and we were attacked by demons and zombies? / Mike: Yeah. / Marsha: And do you remember when we were attacked by robots? / Mike: Some of it, yeah. / Marsha: And the killer evil clown? And the opera walkyria incident. / Marsha: Well, picture all that, plus Waldo and Steve kissing naked and covered in oil. / Mike: That bad? / Marsha: [[poking out her tongue]] THAT bad.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - December 1, 2005||[[Class]]
/ Dover: So, people, what's the limit of f(x) here?
/ Dover: No one? / Dover: [[off-panel]] Marsha?
/ Marsha: Zero? / Dover: [[off-panel]] WRONG! April?
/ April: Minus infinite. / Dover: [[off-panel]] Great Gauss. Margaret? Save me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.
/ Margaret: [[clicking her pen repeatedly]] Mmmh?
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - December 2, 2005||Dover: [[off-panel]] So, as we can see, L'Hopital can be used to determine the limits of a function, and blablablablablablablablabla...
/ Dave: [[thinking]] This is so depressing... why did she have to tell me now? [[obscured]] I told Blue I loved [[obscured]] difference does it ma[[obscured]] She sucks, *I* suck, a[[obscured]] each other, and [[obscured]] talk, not like I t[[obscured]]nd she must NEVER kno[[obscured]] and I have a really [[obscured]]t BELIEVE this is [[obscured]]t want to go home [[obscured]]ll and suck my thum[[obscured]]e until...
|CRFH!!! 12/06/2005||[[Classroom, just after class. Marsha hugs Mike from behind]] / Marsha: Mike, what does the ISB want with you? / Mike: Uh... I don't know...? / Marsha: Is it the test thing? You said you were gonna talk to him about it. / Mike: ... yes. Yes, it's... that. / Mike: Hum. I don't know how long this is gonna take, so... / Marsha: Don't be silly, we'll wait for you. / Mike: Nah. Look at the whole lot of you, you need a collective spatula to scrape you all off the floor. Go home and get a good sleep. I'll catch on. / Marsha: But I can't drive! / Mike: Well, give the keys to Margaret. She's probably in a hyper-alert state by now. / [[April, Dave, Margaret and Roger are skulking off in various directions]] / Marsha: [[off-panel]] Hey! Hold it RIGHT there, BITCHES!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||Marsha: Well, where are you supposed to be going, huh? / Dave: I don't know. Into oblivion? / Roger: In a squeaky supermarket trolley. Probably while on fire. / Marsha: Look, if you weren't too busy drooling all over your miseries, you'd have noticed Mike's talking to Dover! You know, to save your prrreeeciousss little BUTTS? / Dave: Uh, yeah, so what can WE do? / Marsha: The LEAST you can do is wait for him and THANK him, maybe??? / April: Bah. Mike? He'll be fine. He always is. / Marsha: Of course he will. That's not the POINT. Because even if he wasn't, his so-called friends wouldn't be around for him. Isn't that pretty? / Margaret: She's right. Well, at least I'm staying. / Roger: So many negatives. Can't process. / Dave: You are? Why the Heck? / Margaret: Because Mike's the kind of person that would never ask for help, even if he needed it. / Dave: And YOU should know, right? / Margaret: Hey, I'm just applying my standard double-standard. / Roger: Also, we REALLY like the moon.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Dover's office. Mike knocks tentatively on the open door]] / Mike: Hey, Mr. Dover? You wanted to see me? / Mr. Dover: [[off-panel]] Yeah, come in. And close the door behind you. / Mike: .... okay... / Mike: So... what is this all about? / Mr. Dover: Well, I just wanted to tell you that there's no need to keep the pretense. You know? / Mike: Uh? / Mr. Dover: I have heard... certain things. About you. / Mike: What things? / Mr. Dover: Interesting things. I have to admit, it's not easy for me either.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||Mr. Dover: Go on. I want to hear it. Just admit it, and we'll talk about it. / Mike: Admit what? You're starting to freak me out, sir... / Mr. Dover: You think you're the only one? C'mon. It's not going to be as bad as you think. / Mike: Look, Mr. Dover. I just don't KNOW what you're talking about. / [[Mr. Dover jumps on Mike]] / Mr. Dover: Leaving me all the initiative? Fine with me, Mike. If you want it to be this way, then THIS is how it's gonna BE!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Dave: I should be in bed. With an electric blanket. / Roger: I'd settle for a full bathtub and a random household electric appliance. / Dave: That could work just as well. / Margaret: [[indicating Marsha and April]] That's a perfectly good waste of water and electricity. When you guys want to die, just get between these two. / April: This is perfectly useless, Marsha. Knowing Mike, he'll actually be pissed that we're here waiting for him as if he was some sort of prissy princess soft fluffy girl. / Marsha: You know, April, I have the hunch I MIGHT know Mike maybe just a LITTLE better than you, don't you think? / April: Bitch. / Marsha: *Engaged* bitch!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||April: So, let me get this straight. You're sad because TWO women are in love with you? Wow, you're truly a maelstrom of misery. / Dave: Well, if I was you, and Mike didn't love me, that would be a very good start. / April: You're not a girl. / Dave: I could be any carbon-based life form, and probably any silicon-based life form too, and it STILL would be true. / April: Well, what do you think *I* am? / Dave: A hate-based life form? / Marsha: So, I've got faith Mike will fix this thing for us. But if he doesn't, I expect you all to be supportive. AND grateful. Dig? / Margaret: I dunno. When I try to be supportive, the receiving end usually needs therapy aftwerwards. / Roger: Why should I be grateful? I'm sure he will make sure I pay dearly for this. / Marsha: Aw, it's just so he doesn't appear like the big softie he is. / [[Mike joins them]] / Mike: [[completely shell-shocked]] I think I need a hug.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[The characters are rejoicing - except for Mike]]
/ Mike: [[miserable]] Actually, there's nothing to worry about. We're not failing, or at least not for now... Dover's not letting us take the test we missed, but he says he will just add the percentage to our midterm.
/ Marsha: [[pressing Mike's tentacle]] I knew you could do it! It's... it's GREAT! Right?
/ Mike: ... yeah.
/ April: [[hugging Dave]] Wooo!
/ Dave: [[throwing arms in the air]] YESSS! Tremble, world, for we are STILL rocking!
/ Roger: [[giving Margaret low-fives]] AWESOME! Like sex macaroni with EXTRA CHEESE!
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[The park]] / Mike: I'm sure you're all wondering why I asked you to meet me here... / Dave: "Dragged by the hair" is more like it. / Marsha: [[eyeing the squirrels frolicking on her]] Yeah, couldn't we have our NOES meeting in a less squirrely place? / Mike: Well, yeah, but thanks to April Mom knows I have a girlfriend. Any of our places could be bugged. Thanks April! / April: [[off-panel]] Aw, it was just a little white lie... / Dave: Whatever. Can we get to it? All this sunlight is bad for my depression. / Roger: [[off-panel]] Not to mention the ant hills. HAH! HAH! OUCH! / Marsha: All I'm saying is that if I get the dooky you won't get the nookie. / Mike: [[off-panel]] Aaaanyway. It has come to my attention that we all hate each other. Normally I wouldn't give a damn, but I'm a bit concerned this could be some sort of "Divide and Conquer" strategy... / Roger: Why would Satan need a strategy? You're all JERKS! / Margaret: Not to mention far too sensitive drama queens. / Dave: [[off-panel]] I suggest that I laser your heads off! THAT'll solve the problem! / Roger: Nah, too flashy. Let's get all in a huge orgy instead. / April: I sexcond the idea. When do we vote?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Mike: [[off-panel]] No, we're not gonna have an orgy. Unless you guys are out. And April. / Roger: Aaaw... / April: Aaaaw... / Margaret: Well, I have no beefs with any of you. Roger and Dave seem to hate me, tho. / Roger: I don't hate you. But you killed my mother and sexed me up. That was bad too, for some reason... oh yeah, that Dave hates me. / Dave: [[off-panel]] I don't hate you or Margaret. Enjoy a lifetime of filthy unloyal sex and LEAVE ME ALONE. / Mike: [[off-panel]] All right, enough... SEE what I'm saying??? / Margaret: So, what's the deal? / Mike: [[off-panel]] Well, I thought maybe spending Spring Break all together could help. / Dave: [[off-panel]] Jesus Christ and Castro FORBID! / Mike: Aw, shut up. Think about it! All expenses paid, third-world country where we're not legally underage... / Marsha: Warm weather, nice sun, better beaches! / Mike: And since we're going to annoy my father, we are free to be ourselves at our WORST! / Dave: [[off-panel]] Yeah, that DOESN'T sound like a recipe for disaster...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Roger: Free trip? Okay. What's the catch? / Mike: [[off-panel]] Why there WOULD be a catch? / Roger: All right, so you just answered. There IS a catch. / Mike: [[off-panel]] So, you not coming? That's bad. I was gonna tell Diana and Paul to come along too. / Roger: And the catch keeps getting bigger and bigger! Now I HAVE to join in. / Margaret: If you say it's good for NOES, then I'm in too. / April: Hey, are you gonna be wearing shorts or briefs? / Mike: [[off-panel]] Shorts. / April: TINY shorts? / Mike: [[off-panel]] NO. / April: Me and my scissors are IN! / Margaret: I'm not doing it for potential weapon shopping. But if the occasion comes, why not? / Dave: Have fun, all of you. / Mike: You gotta be kidding. / Dave: I'm not. Two days on that raft with you guys were enough to immunize me against ocean jones for at least TEN years. / Mike: You know Dave, it takes a special kind of skill to take a free trip to GirlsGoneWildLand and turn it into a BAD thing. / Dave: No, it just takes a very special kind of LIFE!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Back in the guys' apartment]] / Mike: Mmh, It seems I'm forgetting something. What could it be? By the way, you look WAY too calm for someone who hasn't packed and needs to leave for the airport in an hour. / Dave: What, an hour??? Wait a minute, why do I care? I'm not going on your stupid trip! / Mike: Ba-pssch. Of course you are. / Dave: No, I'm NOT! / Mike: Start packing already. What was I looking for again? / Dave: Your brain, maybe? I SAID I'm not going! / Mike: [[poking Dave in the chest]] Look, man. You owe me BIG time. I let you use my cell phone (which you destroyed on a whim), saved your ass from Dover, saved your ass from my MOM, and I'm giving you an all-expenses paid trip to Topless Paradise. The only thing I'm asking in return is that you pretend to be my gay lover! / Dave: Well it's true that I... Uh, what? Did you just SAY what I think you said? / Mike: Yes you did! Now get to it and make sure you pack plenty of G-strings! / Roger: [[eating a chocolate bar]] Isn't a fast metabolism just the wonderfulestest thing EVER, bumblebees?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Mike: Socks? Check. Underdog Underoos? Check. Goddammit, what IS it? / Roger: Deodorant. Very important. / Mike: Check. / Roger: Shoes? ID? Paper bag for your ugly mug for miscarriage prevention? / Mike: Check, check, and screw you. / Roger: Assorted toys and lubricants? / Mike: We're not having an orgy, Roger. Get used to the idea. / Roger: Aw. We could use one, you know. It doesn't have to be a really big one... / Mike: Roger, I'm trying to think here. What's your fixation with orgies lately, man? / Roger: Well, it's because of Diana. She's upset because she thinks we don't like her enough to invite her to our orgies. / Mike: But we haven't HAD any orgies!!! / Roger: Isn't that always the core of all trouble?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave is confronting a character I don't recognize; I will call him Camo Guy. Camo Guy is holding Chester (the cat) out in front of him with one hand. Dave, on the other hand, is rolling up a sleeve.]]
/ Camo Guy: Is that damned cat yours by any chance?
/ Dave: Yeah. And if you don't put him down right this moment you'll learn the most painful meaning the phrase "hot headed" has to offer.
|College Roomies from Hell!!! - January 15, 2006||[[In the dorm hallway.]]
/ Luke: Did I ever mention to you just how I love cats? You see they're the best animals ever. / Dave: It's alright now Chester. I won't let anyone hurt you. By the way, I never knew that you're after people's shoes...
/ Chester: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||Mike: [[panicked]] Oh my GOD! I remembered it! My ROBOT HAND! It's not functioning properly and you haven't repaired it! / Roger: Right. I don't see how you can expect it to work when you keep punching guys with it. / Mike: But my Dad doesn't know I have a tentacle! I can't go on the trip without it! / Roger: All right, now, don't panic. Being the genius I am, I could probably repair it in no time. But first... / Roger: [[dancing]] I have something you wah-aaant! I have something you wah-aaaant! / Mike: Mature, Roger. So mature. / Roger: I'm gonna make you my BITCH! I'm gonna make you my BIIIIITCH! / Mike: Disturbing, Roger. REALLY disturbing.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||April: I'm done packing. This is gonna be great! / Marsha: Yeah, the best thing about going to the beach is that all your clothes fit in a small bag! / April: Tell me about it! I have a couple of bikinis here that will ensure I have the full attention of... uh... / April: [[smiling weakly]] Any... any non-Mike entities. I mean all of them. Except Mike. Especially... not Mike. / Marsha: [[glaring]] Right. And if you ever think different, I can help you with your bikini wax. I know a special technique, you know? / April: Eh... no, thank you. / Marsha: Are you sure? It's DUCT-TAPE based. / Margaret: Anti-theft device's on! Better not make a lot of noise or we won't need a ride to the airport.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Mike is on the phone.]] / Mike: Already? Great! I'm gonna call some cabs, so make sure you girls are not forgetting anything! See you in a bit, sweets! / Mike: Hey Roger, is that robot hand ready yet? / Roger: [[off-panel]] You asked 10 seconds ago, and the answer is NO! A shocker, huh? / Mike: Well, never mind! You'll finish later, we have to run! / [[Dave is studying]] / Mike: All right, I have to ask. What are you doing? / Dave: It's called studying. You know, the thing you wouldn't be caught dead doing? / Mike: That better be a manual on either packing or pretending to be a gay lover. / Dave: Why don't you go screw yourself? You don't need a manual for THAT!|
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80
81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 >>