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|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||David: Who, me? Nah, I'm done. At least for the next ten seconds. I'm sorry what was your name? / Jerry: I'm Jerry. Is the room still available? / David: Sure, come in. / David: Sorry about the mess... / Jerry: It's okay, man. You should see where i'm living now. UGH. I have to clean night and day. / David: Wait... you're rooming with "Teletubbie" right? / Jerry: Yeah, but I've had it. Say can I move in today? / David: Whoa! Just like that? / Jerry: Sure, do you mind? Also, I gotta pay the rent before I spend all the money on pizza and chinese... uh, are you CRYING? / David: No. / David: Yeah. / David: A little?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Margaret, Dave, Zombie Mike and Roger have convened for a NOES meeting.]] / Margaret: Well, as you know, the situation has turned around for us. Mike is back, and I'm still in charge, at least while he recovers from his... God. Dave, what IS IT NOW??? / [[Dave has been clearing his throat throughout Margaret's speech, rapidly annoying her.]] / Dave: Ahem. / Dave: *AHEM* / Dave: *COUGH CHOKE* / Dave: Ummm... if it's not a lot of trouble... / Margaret: [[annoyed]] Yeah, WHAT? / Dave: Do I *have* to be sitting next to Mike? I dislike him. / Roger: Dave ol' buddy, I don't think you realize there's just not enough of us to switch places. / Dave: Why is he even here in the first place? I don't think he's uh, functional enough to be useful yet. / Zombie Mike: [[sticking tongue out at Dave]] I love you anyway. Licky licky! / Dave: And... he's way too disturbing... / Roger: Just be thankful he hasn't showed you his new "remote" yet.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Margaret, still annoyed, is addressing the other NOES members at the meeting.]] / Margaret: Okay, if no one has anything else to say, can we START? / Roger: [[off-panel]] I have a question. / Margaret: All right. ONE. Ask away. / Roger: [[off-panel]] Why isn't Joe here? Isn't he a part of NOES now? / Margaret: We'll invite him to the NEXT meeting. Then we will vote on that. Okay? / [[The scene shifts to Dave.]] / Margaret: [[off-panel]] Dave, I want you to talk to Blue. We're gonna need her cooperation if we want to get April and Marsha from Dundun Island. / Dave: Are we SERIOUSLY gonna do this??? It's SUICIDE! / Margaret: [[off-panel]] You're not going, Dave. / Dave: WHAT? Now you're leaving me out AGAIN??? / Margaret: [[off-panel]] Actually, we need you a lot for this one, but you are out of order... / Dave: I'll be fine! Just give me some more days! / [[The scene shifts to Zombie Mike and Roger. Zombie Mike is creepily hovering above Roger.]] / Margaret: [[off-panel]] Fine. Do you want to come? Then it'll be under my terms. You're not training with me anymore. Roger's gonna do it. / Dave: [[off-panel]] WHAT? WHY in the world? / Margaret: [[off-panel]] He'll teach you some zen crap to get your anger under control. Right, Roger? / Roger: I have a question. WHY ME??? / Margaret: [[off-panel]] You don't get any more questions, Roger. / Roger: I wasn't asking you. I was asking the UNIVERSE.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||David: HAH! Like I don't know you. You're gonna use your "training" as an excuse to f*ck with me. / Roger: Well, DUUUUH! But rest assured, when I'm done with you, you will be a werecoyote, only without the hair or the coolness. / David: YAY. Ok, but we're not going to do this at my place, I don't want my new superspecial roomie to think i'm a freak. / Roger: Don't get your hopes too high on THAT. Ankle level, maybe... say, Dave? Have you noticed something... Odd... about Mike? / David: You mean aside from the fact that he's a festering corpse? / Roger: I'm serious. Doesnt he remind you of something? / David: Well, yeah, but I can't put my finger to it... / Roger: Well, I can. He reminds me of Nice Mike. Remember Nice Mike? Not quite there... harmless... sort of stupid. And it happened after he almost died, that time at sea... / David: Huh. You're right. What, you think he's dangerous? / Roger: No, no. But I wonder. Last time he made a deal with Satan to get out of Hell. What did he do NOW? / David: I don't like this conversation. / Roger: Hey, it has a bright side. Insomnia is good for serenity.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave and Roger lean against a tree. Dave thinks of a vacuum cleaner.]] / Roger: okay... Margaret is making me do this, but I'm willing to commit myself. I'm gonna need your total, full cooperation and trust. Are we clear? Good. / Dave: Okay. / Roger: I warn you, this is something you can't learn overnight. The knowledge is so very awesome it will destroy your mind if it's not strong enough. / Dave: Uh-huh. / Roger: You'll probably never be the same or look at things again in the same way. / Dave: Just get on with it, Roger. / Roger: You'll be a new Dave. One that is one with the Universe instead of a foaming, savage creature dominated by his own basic instincts... / Dave: GODDAMMIT ROGER, I already told you I'm... OOOOW! / [[Dave clutches his head in pain.]] / Roger: Lesson Number One: Learn to Have Patience.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Roger gets out his pet rock.]] / Roger: If you're gonna learn about patience, you have to learn from the best. Here is Fluffy, Grand Master of Waitness and Immobility. / Dave: Waitness isn't a word. / Roger: Yes, but no one cares what you think. / Roger: The experience talks. Rocks are never in a hurry. They live billions of years and they just keep waiting for something to happen. Now, be quiet and pay attention. The Master will teach you now. / [[They stare at the rock.]] / Dave: Uh, Rog... / Roger: Shhh.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave and Roger sit back-to-back in a park.]] / Roger: Now, the first step towards controlling your anger is identifying the source. What is the biggest source of annoyance in the whole world. / Dave: I know the answer to that. / Roger: The answer is not "Dave." But it's close. / Dave: Oh, you can bet it's REALLY close. / Roger: Focus, Dave. Close your eyes and think. / Dave: Uuuh... okay, this is a bit hard, can I get a clue? / Roger: Here's a hint. Do you get a lot of headaches when you're alone? / Dave: No... not really. / Roger: And when you do, what were you thinking about? / Dave: Generally speaking? People. / Roger: That's your answer. So, what is to be done about it? / Dave: KILL them all. / Roger: You've come a long way, bumblebee.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[ Exterior, park bench. Roger is teaching Dave anger management through the Zen of Nonsense. Pepe, Roger's pet rock, is in Dave's lap being massaged. Roger is playing with a paddleball. ]] / Dave: Well, people are EVERYWHERE. So what can you do, besides migrating to Pluto? (or killing them all.) / Roger: People are like a toxin. You can't avoid it but you can turn on the armor. For example, a big source of anger is their stupid faces. So you wear big, opaque glasses so they don't notice you're looking elsewhere. / Dave: Okay... What if you have good eyesight? / Roger: Sunglasses? Pirate patch? Plastic bag over face? This solves every other problem, too. / Dave: Uh, still not working... / Roger: That's right, because you have to tune out their stupid, whiny voices. So you have to make them shut up without disturbing civilization. / Dave: And how do you do that? / Roger: Basically, you say all kinds of things, so they feel their wasting their time talking to you and you're probably a dangerous loon. / Dave: Wait a minute... / Roger: You're slacking on the hump massage. The rock is displeased.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave is standing on one leg.]] / Dave: ...and, and a can of, uh, nuts? / Roger: Who can go nuts? / Dave: Uh, the... AARGH! Roger, why do I have to do this on top of a goddamned CHAIN LINK FENCE??? / Roger: 20 points less for asking. So you can tap into the flow of nonsense, even under stress. Now, who can go nuts? / Dave: The um, MURDEROUS squirrels! / Roger: That almost makes sense, but I'll let it slide. / [[Dave stares at the spoon in his hand.]] / Dave: Okay, why am I trying to bend a spoon with my mind, again? / Roger: There's no spoon, only Zuul. / Dave: Come on. / Roger: By focusing on a seemingly impossible task, you acquire a big tolerance to frustration. / Dave: I'm only acquiring a serious case of crossed-eye. / [[Dave hangs from a tree branch.]] / Dave: Uh... so why am I hanging upside down from a... okay, forget it. You fail as a teacher. / Roger: You fail at having fun!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Roger; Very well, last thing. You will receive two quests. The first is to climb up there.
/ Dave; .... You're not serious.
/ Roger; Dave, there are many things you have to learn for yourself. Go.
/ Dave; Roger, I'm gonna kill myself!
/ Roger; Naw, I promise to catch you on the first or maybe second bounce. / Dave; I'm gonna die! I don't wanna die a threesome virgin!
/ Dave; Mommy!
/ Dave; Ow! Son of a...!
/ Dave; Don't get angry. You don't want a splitting headache while hanging from your fingertips, do you? / Dave; AARGH! The painnnnn!
/ Dave; Jesus CHRIST!
/ Dave; I'm gonna kill you! / Dave; I...I made it! *huff huff*
/ Roger; I see! Good job!
/ Dave; Yeah, *wheeze* yeah! Now what?
/ Roger; Well, since you're up there, see if you can find the frisbee I lost the other day!
/ Dave; WHAT??? / <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dave passes Jerry with a big smile, a song, and lots of bruises.]] / Dave: Mm HM, mmMMh, Mm! Mm hm Mm mm Mh! / Jerry: (thinking) ??? / Jerry: Ultramighty Jesus, what happened to YOU? / Dave: Wo happen? (looks at himself) ... OH. / Jerry: Did you get run over or something? / Dave: No, I um, I was just... uh... / Dave: (thinking) Having rough sex? Practicing manly sports? Wrestling bears to the death? Fighting crime? / Dave: Having rough manly sex with a criminal bear? No, wait... I think I actually got a concussion. / Jerry: I think I actually regret asking.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[ Dave in his bathroom, talking to Roger on the phone ]] / Roger: WHAT? Jesus, Dave, I just got home! / Dave: Whatever! Listen, something REALLY strange just happened to me. Instead of saying what I was thinking, I just spurted a bunch of NONSENSE! / Roger: Aha, and this is bad because...? / Dave: Because... using nonsense-fu is okay, but from time to time I'd like to be able to have a normal conversation? / Roger: Hah! And I'm the one who says nonsense? Okay, don't freak out. It's just a normal side effect. It'll go away in a couple of days. / Dave: What? You didn't say such a thing would happen! / Roger: Yes I did. You wer just not paying attention. This, by the way, doubles the effect of everything I taught you. / Dave: Between you and Blue's mom, you're going to mash my potatoes.. I mean... see? See what you did? / Roger: Are you angry? / Dave: YES! / Roger: Are you lighting up? / Dave: Uh... no. / Roger: Well, there you go. Do you want to go to Dundun or not? / Dave: Is that a trick question? / Roger: Well, if you don't, I'll just tell Margaret you can't go. / Dave: Goddamn you for giving me a choice!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[ Filler sketch of Blue Green. She is swinging (what appears to be) a long-chained mace. ]] / [[ Caption reads: Gogo Blue! ]]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[In a helicopter]] / Roger: Are we THERE yet? / Margaret: Jesus, Roger. No. / Blue: Actually, we're almost there. I think. / Roger: HAH! In your face, Brownielocks! / Margaret: Aw, shut up. Anyway, time to go over the plan once again. / Blue: Okay... you guys hide while we descend on the island. I'll go talk to Damascus while Margaret pretends to be a good pilot/bodyguard and waits in the chopper. / Margaret: Oh, don't push it, Rainbow. / [[Inside the helicopter]] / Blue: You wait until there's no one watching. Then you and Roger do your thing. / Roger: Our AWESOME thing. / Blue: You get Marsha and if you can, April, come back unnoticed, sit tight until I'm here. / Dave: Am I missing something? / Roger: Nope, that's it. / Dave: Well, for starters, I still don't know what *I* am supposed to do. / Blue: Nnnnnothing. You stay with Mike... you're backup. / Dave: WHAT? WHY? / Roger: Because you're a big wuss FOREVER!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[ Interior of helicopter on its way to Dun-Dun Island. Blue is at the helm, and alone in Panel ]] / Blue: Don't get me started, Dave. If it was up to me you wouldn't even be here at ALL. / Dave: Why do I have to babysit a ZOMBIE? Why is he even here??? / Blue: Because he knows how to fly the chopper. / Dave: You're not SERIOUS! / Margaret [ (?) speaking off panel) ]: You weren't paying any attention at ALL? / Dave: No, I was thinking about porn lingrie porny... uh... discard that, it was... just a nonsense fit. / [[ Margaret alone in panel ]] / Margaret: What Chartreuse here is failing to explain is that you'd rock at this particular mission, but we're going stealth. And Roger and I are the only ones with training in that. / Dave: Oh, right, now we're using the ninja excuse??? / Margaret: It's not an excuse, Dave. You know you have a tendency to trip over your own feet. / [[ Dave and Roger in panel ]] / Dave: But I've been there two times! I know the way in and out! / Margaret: Yeah, well you don't know Section D like Roger does. / Roger: I know D-Section, but it's a lady I don't want to kiss ever again! / Dave: You all suck froggie gonades... pie... juice? Aw, forget it.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Margaret: Well, remember to keep a low profile. If you have any problem, let us know. / Dave: Are you SERIOUS? Just shut-up and go away already. / Margaret: Dave, c'mon, you know we have no choice. / Dave: Whatever. / Dave: Problems! They're going into that horrible place full of guards and torture and they tell ME to cry for help? Are they making fun of me or what? / Dave: I'm sitting here in a goddamn helecopter with a zombie! What kind of problem could I possibly have??? / Mike: Cabin fever?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[ Dave and Zombie-Mike are alone in the helicopter. Mike grabs the top of Dave's head and starts "acting" like a hungry, brain-eating zombie. ]] / Dave: Mike, what the LIVING F--K are you doing??? Oh my GOD you're not joking. Stay away from my skull, let go of me, I'll just...!!! / [[ Dave's lasers begin to warm up in self-defense ]] / << B R A Z A P ! >> [[ lasers fire ]] / Dave: * / [[ Dave's eyes shut, his nose begins to bleed profusely, and he falls back unconscious. ]] / [[ Small wisp of smoke rises from Mike's head. ]] / Mike: Woo! That TICKLES!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||V.D.: Well, I'll be! What a delightful surprise! / Blue: Really? I wasn't even sure I was welcomed at all. / V.D.: And you decided to find out? Good for you. I've been asking your mother to bring you for a visit. Apparently she thinks you'd be bored. / Blue: Well, I'm not expecting a tour of the facilities... I just wanted to talk to you, Mr. Damascus. / V.D.: Call me Vernon. Let's go inside so we can chat. / / Blue: Mr. D- Vernon, I wanted to talk to you about Dave. My boyfriend? / V.D.: Ah, yes. A regrettable mistake. Sadly I'm not in direct charge of the mutants we secure. His identity was established after it was too late. / Blue: Oh, I know you wouldn't do something like that. But still, instead of apologizing, you can help me. / V.D.: Can I? What's on your mind? / Blue: No one has studied Dave's mutation and I'd like to know everything I can. I'm concerned. You know? / V.D.: Heh! Well, well. A pragmatist! You're quite a remarkable young woman, aren't you? / V.D.: I can see now who's going to run this place someday!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[ Margaret and Roger in corridor outside section D ]] / Roger: Well, Margaret, here comes the easy part. / Margaret: EASY??? As if this hasn't been a total borefest so far. / Roger: That's because we rule. But I warn you, we're about to enter Section D where abhorrant freaks of nature are created by bored minds playing God. / Margaret: Okay, you guys live next door. And you think I'm afraid of FREAKS??? Give-me-a-break. / [[ Interior of Section D. A white unicorn, with a magenta mane and tail, is grazing in the pastoral paradise. ]] / Margaret: [[ While looking in on the scene. ]] M - mister Shinysparkyglitter? / Roger: The Horror.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Roger: OOOOh No, stop right there. Let's go on with the mission before we get caught. / Margaret: I love you, Mr. S, I will never leave you alone again... / Roger: Sheesh, it's just a pink and white horse with a horn. What's so special about it? / Margaret: But... but must huggle Mr. Shinysparkyglitter! / Roger: Aw, Margaret, stop being such a PRINCESS. Let's go! / Margaret: Pfah! No, no, Roger. It's just that I used to have a plushie that looked just like that. He was like my Pepe... get it? / Margaret: So let's compromise... you let me spend 5 minutes hugging the unicorn, and I won't kick your balls home. Does that sound reasonable? / Roger: Uh... you know what, I just thought that it'd be useful to have some of that drug-laced fruit in case we run into some guards... Try not to get bored while I'm away... / Margaret: << sound of luvs - 15 hearts >>|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Roger: Stupid Margaret. We ain't tourists here! Every minute counts! If something horrible happens, it's not my fault.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Dr. Sydney and Berlin stand before a room containing Satan's staff]] / Berlin: Are you getting some levels on that thing? Man, talk about fireworks! / Dr. Sydney: Pretty, huh? Only we still know nothing about what makes it work. / Berlin: We'll figure it out! We can confirm sentience, after all, right? I mean it can't be telepathy, this girl's brain is out to lunch. / Dr. Sydney: Could you stop doing the gun thing? Test is over, and it's unnerving. / Berlin: Aren't you coming down to see the surgery? Everybody else is going... / Dr. Sydney: Yeah, yeah, I'll catch up. I just have to file this data first. / Berlin: Gee, Syd. Even since you drowned you've turned into such a party-pooper. / Dr. Sydney: Do you know there's still sand in my feces? Talk about a party pooping. / [[Zombie Mike stands next to Dr. Sydney, about to pat him in the shoulder.]] / Dr. Sydney [[thinking]]: You utterly disgusting sick freak.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Zombie Mike is standing in front of the neutral grey lab background, pushing the button on the remote control that frees Marsha.]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[ Marsha rips Mike's left arm off at the shoulder ]] / << R I I I P t>> / [[ Marsha then smacks Mike across the room with his own arm ]] / << S W A C K ! >> / Marsha: Nah. ( While tossing Mike's arm over her left shoulder )|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[ Scene is top-side of Dun-Dun Island. Blue's Step- Father, Vernon, is introducing her to one of the island's scientists. ]] / Vernon: Oh, Berlin. I was just looking for you. / Berlin: Uhhh... yes sir. I was not in Section D because I was going to see the surgery. Remember we have permission...? / Vernon: Yes, I remember. Berlin, this is Hazel's daughter, Blue. Blue, this is Berlin. / Blue: Enchantée, and all that. / Vernon: Berlin was in charge of research and he will answer our questions. / Berlin: But what about the surgery? / Vernon: Well, you better do it quickly, because I really need to be present for that. / Blue: Tell you what, why don't you go on about your business. I'm sure Mr. Berlin here can help me just fine. / Vernon: Excellent, my dear. If you need anything you just ask. Berlin, take care of our guest. And try to not bore her to tears. / [[ Vernon begins to walk off panel. ]] / Berlin: Yyyes sir. I'll do my best. / Blue: Don't worry, Vernon. I don't think I'm going to be bored. At ALL.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[ Dave is alone in the helicopter. His nose is bleeding and he has a severe headache due to giving Mike an eye-laser blast. ]] / Dave: (thinking) *GROOOAAAN* Man, some pretty colors... ow... he's gone, isn't he... dammit, even as a zombie he keeps tricking me... Why do I have to be so goddamned STUPID... UUGH. / Dave: (thinking) F---ing, Mike... hnnn, I swear to God... when I see him, ooow! I'll just tie his smithereens into a knot and blow them up from orbit with a brussel spr- / [[ Dave gets interrupted from off panel by a voice and a handgun pointing to his head ]] / Voice: Well, look who's come back for MORE!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Margaret: Oh, please, will ya quit yer bitchin??? If that guard hadn't found me we wouldn't even know where Marsha is. / Ninja 2: So much for STEALTH, Margaret. / Margaret: Well, who's gonna believe a naked guy who's stoned senseless? / Ninja 2: At least now we know we cant get April. Now hush, we're going in. / Margaret: Well Roger, no one's here... so either the guy lied or those drugs weren't effective and he tattled. Either way, I think we should get out of here really fast. / Ninja 2: Yeah, I agree... um, Margaret, could you take a look at this? / Margaret: Uh... is THAT what I think it is??? / Ninja2: It depends. What do you THINK it is? / Margaret: If I had to guess really hard, I'd say it's Mikes robot arm. / Ninja 2: Right and wrong. It is Mikes arm. / Margaret: So... / Ninja 2: Its not a robot arm.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Margaret and Roger are dressed in ninja outfits and are standing in front of a neutral grey background.]]
/ Margaret: Oh haha, okay. It's not a robot arm, because it's just a robot HAND, right? RIGHT?
/ Roger: Point. Still that over there is a freaking ELBOW, Margaret. There's bones in here... a real arm, under a latex glove.
/ Margaret: What the hell are you saying, Roger? Is this Mike's arm or not?
/ Roger: I know, it makes no sense. I'm as puzzled as you. / Margaret: AAARGH! Roger, this is giving me a massive headache... look, can we try and figure it out later?
/ Roger: I'm game. But you carry this thing, Mike might want it back.
/ Margeret: No way. You found it, you carry it.
/ Roger: EEEW. Do you have a black ninja plastic bag you're not--? / <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Inside a "lab", in front of a blackboard and various sciencey images.]] / Blue: Wow, where is everybody? Oh, don't tell me... the surgery, right? Is this the equivalent of a good party? You guys need to get out more. / Berlin: Oh, it's just a critical and new interesting procedure. For us sciencey types, anyway. / Blue: Aw. Sorry you had to miss it on my behalf. / Berlin: No problem, I'll wait for the video. / [[Blue begins acting physically coquettish.]] / Blue: Mmmh. Charts. You know, I've always found the sciency type... fascinating. I mean, you're the guys with the answers, right? If that's not POWER, I don't know what it is. / Berlin: I don't have all the answers. For example... Did you just PINCH my butt, little lady? Heh-heh! / Blue: Aaah, Berlin... can I call you Doc? Let's be completely honest with each other. No. / [Blue has her arms around Berlin's neck, a syringe in an ampoule in her hands behind his back.]|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||CRFH!!! Ten years on the wrong side of the tentacle / 1999-2009 © Maritza Campos|
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