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| Wayne gets an idea | Wayne: I'm 34... / Wayne: Skint, homeless, "unemployed" / Wayne: Obviously I should start a new band... / Wayne: Obviously... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060106 |
| Angst, schmangst | Wayne: There will be no angst in my band... / Wayne: We will sing songs about... um... / [no dialogue] / Wayne: Ok, so maybe a little angst. http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060109 |
| No timewasters | Wayne: I can't wait to start rehearsals... / Wayne: I need a drummer, a guitarist, and a horn player... / Wayne: Feh / Wayne: Why does advertising for musicians seem intrinsically lame? http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060111 |
| True Story | Great Musical Disasters #1: Trusting a lead guitarist with directions.
/ Wayne: Yeah, I'm in the queue for the ferry now. Where are you?
/ Wayne: You're near Dover?
/ Wayne: No, no I don't care how fast you got there.
/ Wayne: Man, our ferry leaves from Portsmouth. See you in France. Shit. http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060113 |
| Yes, you can have a bagel | Great Musical Disasters #2: Working with a lead singer
/ Wayne: Oh come on, man, get out of the car. We've a second set to do...
/ Wayne: I know the guy in the red shirt was rude to you. It's ok. He's left now.
/ Wayne: Yes you can have a bagel. But later. After the set. After they pay us.
/ Wayne: Oh come... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060116 |
| Secret venue | Great Musical Disasters #3: Going on last at T[redacted]
/ Mike: I'm not getting any bass in the monitors.
/ Wayne: No, the amp's blown. Wing it. / Chris: Why does the snare sound sloshy?
/ Mike: It's got beer in it.
/ Chris: In it?
/ Mike: Don't ask.
/ Mike: (I'm hoping it's beer.) / Chris: This mic doesn't... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060118 |
| And we'll all live together in a big house | Wayne: I've been told having a band cartoon isn't original... / Wayne: That's ok... / Wayne: hmf... / Wayne: Nor's "having a band"... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060120 |
| My singing is better than this | Wayne: I don't see why the fact I can't draw should stop me doing a cartoon. / Wayne: *cough* / Wayne: After all... / Wayne: If that kind of shit bothered me, I wouldn't sing... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060123 |
| In real life it's two chickens | Wayne: So, my nose ends in a point, my glasses are asymmetrical, and I seem to have a dead chicken on my head instead of hair. / Chicken: What do you mean, dead? / Wayne: Oh great. / Chicken: Yeah. Quick tip. This 'meta' arc is going nowhere. Do more 'Great Musical Disasters'. They were nearly fu... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060125 |
| Sometimes, you want to go on early | Great Musical Disasters #4: Being asked to follow the headliners
/ Mike: Sure are a lot of industry people here tonight...
/ Wayne: Yeah. / Wayne: I guess they've all come to see Cutie and the Session Boys... / Later... / Chris: Ok, let's treat it as a rehearsal...
/ Wayne: Man, even the bar staff have... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060127 |
| Worst gig I was ever involved with | Great Musical Disasters #5: Working with unstable people
/ Nav: Man, I can't believe he just walked off stage in the middle of our set... / Wayne: Off stage? He's left the building completely. / FX: Ring!! Ring!! / Nav: Hello. A plane. You're on a plane to where? You don't know. Ok. Bye now. http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060130 |
| Doesn't tell the half of it | Great Musical Disasters #6: Working with big headed people
/ Dave: Hi, I'm Dave. I've worked with Paul McCartney, Sting and the Beach Boys. I made forty grand last year. And you?
/ Wayne: Uh, hi.
/ Wayne (thinks): So why are you doing this free session at my mate Brian's house? / Dave: Ok. Don't say a... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060201 |
| Penicillin for the soul | Wayne: My Musofinder ad has only yielded one response so far... / Wayne: From a guy called Igor who wanted to tell me I can't draw. / Chicken: Yeah, but you can't.
/ Wayne: I know. / Wayne: I can still make chicken soup though
/ Chicken: You'd be bald.
/ Wayne: Mm, chicken soup.
/ Chicken: Not funny. http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060203 |
| Busy is good | Wayne: So far this year I've played eight gigs... / Wayne: Four with 'My Scarlet Darling', two with 'Vivachi', and two with Kevin G. Davy. (Nothing of my own). / Chicken: So what, do you want a medal or something. / Wayne: No, I want a bassist and drummer for 'Fit and the Conniptions'...
/ Chicken:... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060206 |
| At least the chicken talks to him | Chicken: So, this is your idea of character development, is it? / Chicken: Conversations with an imaginary chicken who lives on your head? / Wayne: Ok, ok, more Great Musical Disasters. / Chicken: Great Comic Disasters, more like.
/ Wayne: Chicken soup.
/ Chicken: You see? Not funny. http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060208 |
| It's not always so bad if they get the name wrong | Great Musical Disasters #7: Being booked for the wrong gig.
/ [[Sign: The Regency Conservative Club]]
/ [[Sign: Tonight's Entertainment: 5.30 - Tea, 6.30 - Rock and Roll with Bill The Bob, 7.30 - Cake]]
/ Band member (thinks): I don't know how many times I told them it's 'Beelzebub'...
/ Other band member... http://conniptions.org/?20060210 |
| Clowns should do comedy | Great Musical Disasters #8: Working with arrogant and delusional people
/ Clown: I just told that dickwad to fuck off.
/ Wayne: But 'that dickwad' is head of A+R at Sony... / Clown: So what?
/ Wayne: So you've now personally insulted guys from every major label... / Wayne: As a pop act, we're fucked.
/ Clown:... http://conniptions.org/?20060213 |
| Organisation of the imagination | Great Musical Disasters #9 - Four bands, no kit...
/ Wayne: Promoters reason that if bands can organise themselves to rehearse and get gigs booked... / Wayne: They can easily organise between themselves who should bring the full kit to a gig. / Wayne: *cough* / Wayne: So you see the problem... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060215 |
| It's a hairdressing salon and gallery | Wayne: Last night's gig at Flaxon Ptootch was fun. I think... / Wayne: Though I'm kind of the worse for wear today after being paid in alcohol... / Chicken: Oh come on... / Chicken: If you'd been paid in money, you'd only spend it on drink...
/ Wayne: Thanks. http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060217 |
| Oh no, there's no lack of material | Wayne: It's the twentieth cartoon today. A small milestone, but still. Yay. / Chicken: You are so running out of material. / Wayne: I so am not. What makes you say that, anyway? / Chicken: Reread what you put in the first panel there. Then get back to me.
/ Wayne: Thanks. http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060220 |
| How about next week | Wayne: I have a couple of possible bassists and a couple of possible drummers. / Wayne: I haven't hired a rehearsal room yet, though. I seem to be paralyzed. / Chicken: You should get on with it then.
/ Wayne: Yeah. / Chicken: It would also help if you didn't spend the whole time worrying about this... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060222 |
| This explains almost everything | Great Musical Disasters #10: Soundcheck at 6.00, Gig at 10.30...
/ 6.30
/ Muso A: Ok. So we've got four hours before the gig. Let's not fuck up. / 8.00
/ Muso A (from off panel): No, they don't do coffee.
/ Muso B, Wayne: Ah sod it. Same again. / 9.00
/ Muso A: I need to eat something.
/ Muso B: We have... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060224 |
| It also helps to plug some leads in | Great Musical Disasters #11: Forgetting to press the 'record' button.
/ Wayne: Wow! What a take! I've never played that tune so well. / Wayne [looking at monitor]: AUGH! / Wayne: *Sob* / Wayne: I swear, If I could, I'd never work with me again. http://conniptions.org/?20060227 |
| The old old story | Great Musical Disasters #12: Working with people who are rude to the soundman...
/ [[Soundcheck...]]
/ N: Can I get more me in the monitors? Actually, can I get more everything in the monitors? / N: Also, you want more mid in the bass and less bass in the vocal. Unlike some, I know sound. / Soundman... http://conniptions.org/?20060301 |
| All too true | Chicken: So, are you anywhere nearer getting the band together yet? / Wayne: [says nothing] / Wayne: *sigh* / Wayne: Man, I am so fucked right now.
/ Chicken: Oh yeah. That's gonna help. http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060303 |
| Looking that gift horse right in the mouth | Chicken: Ah shit. You stink of skunk... / Chicken: I thought you promised yourself you wouldn't smoke that shit any more... / Wayne: Yeah, I did...
/ Chicken: So what happened? / Wayne: Someone gave me some...
/ Chicken: You're a total fucking moron, you know that. http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060306 |
| Great Fecial Hair Disasters | Great Facial Hair Disasters #1: Finding out you have the same beard as the world's most famous kiddy-fiddler...
/ Wayne: I was getting funny looks... / Wayne: A couple of people said something. It had to go. / Chicken: The funny looks were because you looked ridiculous.
/ Wayne: Thanks. / Chicken: It... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060308 |
| Can't wait | Chicken: You are so totally running out of material... / Chicken: The last three comics have either been about being stoned or about your beard. None were funny. / Chicken: Aren't you supposed to be getting a band together or some thing like that?
/ Wayne: I am / Wayne: First rehearsal is next Wednesday.
/ Chicken:... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060310 |
| It was a great night, though | Wayne: Another gig with free alcohol last night, this time at The Vortex. / Wayne: I need to go on the wagon for a bit... / Chicken: Aren't you playing at The Finnegan's Wake in Ealing on Thursday?
/ Wayne: Yeah. / Chicken: That's a pub, isn't it.
/ Wayne: Yeah.
/ Chicken: Heh.
/ Wayne: Thanks. http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060313 |
| It was a clash of styles | Wayne: Today's rehearsal stroke jam didn't go all that well... / Wayne: We just didn't seem to click... / Chicken: That's putting it mildly, to say the least.
/ Wayne: Yes, it is. / Chicken: So if music doesn't work out, maybe you should try for the Diplomatic Service.
/ Wayne: Yeah, maybe. Also, maybe... http://conniptions.org/index.shtml?20060315 |
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