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Wigu: I Knew the Orange Hair was Suspicious Boys, I already know why you are here and you can just forget about finding out my frist name. You must simply accept that a princess has special secrets. / Apologies, my liege! Topato and I respect your-- / Speak on your own behalf!! / I am familiar with a female's inclination towards hypersensitivity regarding arbitrary issues, but this is a security hazard. How am I to be sure you are even the actual princess?! / A capital effort, Topato, but the answer is NO. Bouncer-bot, escort these warriors from my chambers. / We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way / It is foolish to conceal secrets from your best warriors, your excellency! / FOOLISH!! / Let's see now, where was I? / MMPH / Oh, that's right! Abducting and torturing you!! / Wigu and Jeff Rowland are not responsible for seizures or nausea because of this comic. Happy B-Day J.E.D.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040123.html
WIGU: A Ferocity Tenacious Topato, did you also detect the peculiarly bizarre patterns in the princess' demeanor? / I did indeed. The brusque manner in which she refused our request for her to disclose her first name was utterly unacceptable! / I advise we make this investigation our primary interest and approach it with intensely ferocious tenacity. / It is a rare instance in which you and I are in sound aggrement. / Topato, did you have a strategy in mind for -- / We will travel back in time to the precise moment of the princess' conception and there we will discover her name. / Topato, despite your enthusiasm for time travel, it remains unreasonably expensive and dangerous. / A superior strategy would entertain me sublimely. / ... / Topato, you intended to say "the Princess' birth," did you not? / Yes, yes.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040126.html
WIGU: Surrender to its Chaos Topato, I loathe the process of time travel. / Focus your thoughts on restraining your innards. / Gentlemen, you are about to experience which typically induces death. Yur continued living will rly solely on your will power. / aaaaugh / Surrender to its chaos / Judging by the gawdy architecture and politically-volatile "vibe", the chances of this being the time of our princess' birth are exceptional / Let us procure appropriate garments for this era / I am offended by the attire of this era. / It is an ambiguous era of confusion. / Yeeeeeargh!! / Wha is that caterwauling?! / It sounds like the queen is birthing an offspring / Like a space-wasp stung bansheebot.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040127.html
Wigu: Apparently the Princess is Related to Cockney Folk YEEEEEEEEEAAAARRRRRGH!! / There lies the entrance to the hospital! We must gain entry via subterfuge! / 'Allo, love! Me mate 'un me 'ere is kin to th' Princess, we are. Can y'elp us out? / 58,008th floor. / YEEEEARGH! / Topato! In the neighboring room! The Queen gives birth to the Princess!! / Let's SPRING INTO ACTION!! / We can not spring into action! We have to sit here are wait until the Princess is born and her parents name her! / Let's do that, then. / (What would Scooby and Shaggy do)
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040128.html
Wigu: Queen Dongle Lays an Egg YEEEEARRGH!! / I was operating under the assumption that the Queen was birthing the Princess. That object bears little to no resemblance to our majestic Princess! / Topato, it seems the Queen's species first requires incubation as an egg! The intelligence we were given was erred! / Hmm. / Sheriff Pony, our objective is to learn Princess Dongle's first name in an expeditious fashion. If you think I am willing to wait for that egg to hatch, you are as ignorant as you are aesthetically repulsive. / Maximize your calm, Topato! I am improvising a scheme that may serve to solve this problem momentarily! / Mrs. Queen Dongle, my partner and I represent a firm that assists new parents with naming their children. Ma'am, do you want your daughter to grow up ostracized and ridiculed? / Of course not! / It's a good thing too because the egg would have hatched in about five minutes
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040129.html
 
Wigu: Princess Dongle Rescued! POW! / The only thing keeping me from completely stealing your identity is the fact that I do not know your first name, Princess. / I'll never tell you. / Oh! I think you will, Princess! / Not so fast, potential faker! We come armed with the name of the true Princess! / My name is... Awesomelope. Awesomelope Dongle. / NOOOOOO!! / Seize the imposter without regard for litigation. / How did you know my name? I've never told anyone 'cause my father said I was named after the Big Bang that created the third dimension!! / We went back in time and named you. / AKA a pair of pliers and a blowtorch
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040130.html
Happy Groundhog Day, Earth!! Yo, what is all that commotion outside? / Oh my god / Aw, crap, dude. / There are government agents poking around at my top-secret invisible spaceship! / Yo, and that one guy is my uncle Clarence. / He stay in the hot tub way too long and act all creepy around everybody parents. Everybody know he be creepy but they act like there is nothing wrong. / I find it hard to understand grown-ups.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040202.html
Government Agents & the Googel Maverick Panel 1 / Wigu: Hugo, we have to act fast or else those secret agents will learn the secret of the Googel Maverick!! / Panel 2 / Hugo: Yes, it be every boy's right to be rollin' in a secret spaceship that can turn invisible... Hugo will help you... for a price. / Panel 3 / Wigu: What do you want, Hugo? Name your price. / Hugo: I want my own Googel Maverick. / Panel 4 / Wigu: Hugo, I can't do that! I can't even tell anyone where I got it! It's the law of the Googel Maverick! / Hugo: Aw, that be most unfortunate! Now Hugo gonna have to tell them agents everything he know! / Panel 5 / Wigu: Hugo, NO!! If the government thinks you know secrets they might think you're a bad guy!! / Panel 6 / Fem. Angent: SEIZE THE POSSIBLE ENEMY COMBATANT AND DETAIN HIM INDEFINITELY!! / Tiny text: UH OH, HUGO DONE TICKED OFF THE PATRIOT ACT
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040203.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Get back here, you! We only want to ask you as many questions as we want to! / Hugo! Use the Googel Maverick!! It's your only hope!! / OOF / Aw, man, where is the switch on this thing? / All right. Hugo is all up in this mutha now... / HUGO! CLOSE THE DOOR!! / Heh heh. / There's a button that say "dinner".
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040204.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Dang it, Dad. Now I don't have a friend or a spaceship! I'm just a dumb ol' boy who's nt even special at all! / Wigu, that's a lie. / I've seen those grades you bring home, so I know you ain't dumb! And I think it takes a pretty special boy to pull off that hair-do! / And you know as long as I'm around, you'll always have a best friend! / And you don't need no spaceship! As long as you don't get too big for your Dad to carry around!! / You're so awesome, Dad! How'd you get so dang awesome? / Well, I stayed in school... / Yeah, like two semesters! / And said "no" to drugs! / You had pneumonia!
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040205.html
 
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Hey, Paisley. How about changin' your brother's hair back to not-freakish. / No, Mom, I don't think I'll do that. / You don't think you'll... wait, wait. What did you say to me? / He likes it, Mom! Why not teach him it's okay to be a little different! / You want me to lie to Wigu? That's a terrible thing to teach to a child! / What, that it's the content of someone's character that matters, not the color of their hair? / Ladies, ladies! Stop the fighting! There's plenty of Wigu to go around!! / TEN MINUTES LATER...
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040206.html
Wigu: Happy Hours and Dune Buggies Wigu, I'm sorry you're having a terrible day. Do you wanna go to the mall and ridicule people? / Yeah, Paisley. That sounds like a cool thing to go do. / Hi, Mom. I was gonna ask you if you'd drive Wigu and I to the mall but I see it's "happy hour". / Happy hourS! / I guess we can ask Dad but we probably won't end up at the mall. / That's okay. / I thought Dad had been in the garage all day. / It smells like burning clothes and sinus problems. / Do you hear that?! It sounds like a dinosaur riding a dinosaur-sized dune buggy!! / Kids! Are these tires big enough, you think?! I don't wanna look goofy! / But that's totally feather-pluckin insane
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040209.html
Quincy also has this thing about how women are like feral spider monkeys To be honest, I think the old girl's about to kick the bucket anyway. Figure I'll give her one last hurrah at the derby tonight. / 'Cause it don't matter how tough a man is, he can't beat a man that just don't care about nothin'. You remember that, Wigu. / Okay, Dad! / Now I gotta think up a scary name for 'er, like "Penetrator or "The Aggravated Assaulter." Y'all got any ideas? / What about "Draculasaurus!" Or "Algebra!" / Dad, why are vehicles always referred to as "femenine"? I've always found that extremely degrading. / Well, Paisley, a woman is a lot like a fine vehicle. / She costs a lot, requires constant maintainence, and if you get a fast one, you gotta pay attention, 'cause if you make one false move you'll end up all mangled in some lonesome ditch.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040210.html
WIGU: Woman's Intervention Qunicy: You kids need a ride someplace? I can getcha there in style! / Paisley: No thanks, Daddy... We'll just take our chances hitch-hiking. / Quincy: Suit yourself... but it might be the last tiem you get to ride in the old van... / Wigu: Paisley!! I want to ride in the van one last time! / Paisley: That thing is destined solely to shame and kill. / Wigu: Paisley, you sure are awful smart! How come you're so smart? / Paisley: I'm not that smart, Wigu. I just have ultra-sensitive "woman's intuition". / Man in truck: I'll take you kids anywhere you wanna go if you can direct me to a frail plastic surgeon with a photo booth and no relatives. / Wigu: Paisley, my woman's intervention says that guy is a scoundrel and we oughta scram-oose!! / Paisley: Woman's intuition whispers.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040211.html
WIGU: You wanna die like ELVIS?! Quincy: So, do you kids wanna go for a ride, or what? / Paisley: No Thanks, Dad. I want to die, but I don't want to die like that. / Qunicy: What? A monster truck's just as good a way to die as any! / Paisley: No, Dad. You don't understand. I want to die in a way that will make everyone on Earth feel miserable. / Quincy: WHAT?! You wanna die like ELVIS?! / Paisley: No, not like that. My way would take years. First, I'd become President... a leader whose actions would unite the world in the pursuit of peace and happiness... / Paisley: Then I'd ask NASA to biuld a spaceship aimed for the sun, designed to carry only one person. / Paisley: And when it blasted off, my office would release a press statement. On it would be four wods: You're not worth it.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040217.html
 
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Dad, Wigu and I are just gonna walk to the mall, okay? / Suit yourself! / Like the "Trail of Tears"... / We are in walkin' mode/ We are walkin' down the road / Look out for that dead thing, Paisley!! / Wigu, this was a really dumb idea. / Let's just go back home. / No way, Paisley!! / A car is coming down the road! / We can "hitch-hike" to that ol' mall!!
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040218.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Quincy's father sense: My kids are in trouble!!! / Quincy has a monster truck van, it is amazing! / Kids, what the hell's going on?! / Somebody threw a bottle out of a car and hit Wigu in the head! / Wigu bleeds / Let's load him up and get to the hospital!! (lots of exclamation points in this one) / Did you see the guy? Did you see who did this? / Yeah, it was a pink car (God, Paisley is so hot) with the license plate "BUDD LYT." The guy who threw it (soooo hooooooottttt) had a tattoo of a hamburger on his arm. / Well, I know one guy who's gonna have a hamburger-tattooed-arm ticking out of his butthole inside a pink car at the bottom of the lake.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040219.html
Well, it's not. Paisley, you stay here and make sure the doctors don't try to trick Wigu. I got me some vigilante justice to dish out while I'm still legally insane from anger. / Please, Daddy, don't. I think you should let the police handle this -- / The police? HA! Bunch of corn-fed mama's boys. / Daddy, I just don't want you to go to jail again. / Now, there ain't nothin' I've gone to jail for that won't someday be considered a heroic act. / What about that one time, last Mardi Gras? / SKATEBOARDING IS *NOT* A CRIME.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040220.html
Hard times for Harry the Hamburglar Gotta find a pink car. Gotta find me a pink car with the license plates "BUDD LYT". Gotta find the car that hit my boy in the head with a beer bottle... / Gotta think of a way to do it where the cops think it's an accident or suicide... / Well, what do you know? / ... damned ol' Hamburglar / What's up hamburger boy? / Let me ask you a question: Are you particularly fond of the act of converting oxygen into carbon dioxide? / Man, you know it's tough out there for me ever since folks figured out all we sell is food that makes everyone fat and sick. / 23FEB04. McDONALD"S IS BAD FOR YOU AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040223.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Let me ask you a question, Hamburger Boy. / Do you like hitting little boys with beer bottles? / What? No! I mean, no, that wasn't me! / Y'know, I really rather you'd've enjoyed the thing you did that I'm about to destroy you over. / I say "hang the bastard from the ugliest tree in the county"! / ... if that is indeed the correct course of action. / You stay out of this, old man. / This doesn't concern you. / Ah, but it does, sir. / All human actions have an effect on the whole of humanity. / I have a vested interest in this. / And while I am aware that our laws allow "citizen's arrests" in certain situations... / ...I have a reasonable amount of certainty that situations that justify "citizen's executions" do not exist.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040301.html
 
WIGU: The Hamburglar Confesses So, how do you think I should deal with this evil man? / Well, that all depends on if he is indeed the "man behind the bottle." / I admit it. I did it. And, I feel real bad about it. / Well, then. Mr. Hamburglar do you have any children? / Look at me dude. / Childless loner. / Later: Shallow Brook Dam / Are you sure we're doing the right thing here, mysterious old man? / Is this not what you desire, Mr. Tinkle? Would you rather have this scofflaw lurking among us? / It's not that, it's / Look, don't tell nobody, but I ain't ever killed a man. I sort of wanted it to be special, y'know? / 03Mar04. Why do they even make dams? They know stuff like this is just gonna happen there.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040303.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Mr. Tinkle, are you quite sure you're prepared to take the life of a man? / The rock shards should provide sufficient damage to baffle forensic scientists. What remains will be consumed by the giant, mutated catfish that roam the dam's base. / / I am prepared. This son of a bitch hurt my little boy. / Get on with it, then. I don't have all day to be your alibi. / Listen... if it was your boy... you'd do the same thing. / [OH YEAH, LIKE YOU'VE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT DOING THAT]
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040304.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET TOPATO!! I have received a dramatic alert message! / What quirky yet powerful force threatens our destiny this time, Sheriff Pony? / The father of Wigu Tinkle has just thrown a man from a hydro-electric dam!! Do you know what that means to us?! / Um... another human being's consciousness is about to be re-absorbed into the third dimension's collective consciousness cluster, and our lives will be virtually unaffected? / No, Topato! On Earth, murder is considered a very serious offense! If Father Tinkle is imprisoned, it may become slightly more difficult for Wigu to purchase our merchandise and continue believing in us! / FREEZE EARTH-TIME AND MAN THE TRANSPORTS. / Oh, it's already been frozen. We have adequate time to develop a brilliant strategy to-- / NOW.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040305.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET, 08MAR03 Earth-time frozen / Sheriff Pony, It is my opinion that we are too late to stop this murder. / There must be something we can do!! / We could unfreeze time and guide the victim to safety, but the fact remains that with this action, Father Tinkle has crossed over into the League of Murderers. There is no return for him. / Can we not travel back in time and prevent this from occurring? / We cannot time-travel in this dimension. Everything is arranged differently, and they use different plugs. / Can we not have this particular worldline deleted? / Sheriff Pony, the deletion of an entire worldline is a preposterous proposal. The result would not be adequate to justify the effort. / Topato, you deleted a worldline this morning because you didn't like the song on the radio! / The justification was adequate. / 08MAR03. BETTER START READIN' UP ON WORLDLINES
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040308.html
WIGU: The Earth Is Deleted Sheriff Pony, we simply need to identify the event that led to Father Tinkle's murderous act, and delete the worldline in which that event occurred. / But Topato! There are infinite worldlines! How can you be sure?! / Process of elimination, my pessimistic partner!! Fourth-dimension-based worldlines are much less complicated than our own. / Here is the event! Father Tinkle murdered the man who struck his son with a silicon-based projectile. / Now, I will perform some embarrassingly simple calculations, and we will place the order. / TO DELETE THIS WORLDLINE, PRESS OR SAY "THREE" / Three! / Meanwhile, in the place Earth usually is... / 09Mar04. In space no one can hear your lens flare
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040309.html
 
WIGU: TOPATO DESTROYS THE EARTH Topato!? / What happened?! / Why do you gaze at the monitor silently with an expressino of confused shock? / Err... / Um... / Due to an error which was in no way my own, the wrong worldline was deleted. / With consequences. / Which worldline? / The worldline in which two asteroids colleded and began drawing in larger debris that eventually would have become Earth was deleted. / You mean... we accidentally killed everything that ever lived on Earth? / In all fairness, one cannot kill something that never existed. / But, Topato... I thought our existences relied on earth-children, especially Wigu Tinkle, believing in us! / Yes... / It seems as though our long-believed notion of existing on the whim of some otherworldly power is a myth. / 10MAR04. TIME TO GROW A LITTLE POINTY BEARD TOPATO.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040310.html
WIGU: Topato and Sheriff Pony begin to lose their memories Uh, Topato... what were we just talking about? / I doubt it was anything of urgent importance. / My suspicion gland secretes doubt. I am going to check the logs. / Topato! My irrational suspicion has merit! We deleted a worldline and all of our memories of that worldline are rapidly fading! / Uhh... do what now? / Oh no!! All of your memories were associated with that worldline!! Soon, you'll be no smarter than the Walmartians of the Rent-to-Own system!! / No, I ain't. / This is boring. Let's go start us a internet company or- HEY CHECK ME OUT I'M FLYING!! / 11Mar04. The Walmartians are still smarter than the bloggers of the Kutcher sector.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040311.html
WIGU: The Princess is Hot Our memories are fading at breakneck speed! I can hardly remember our goal! / Goals are boring. Probably we are forgetting boring junk. / Topato, help me write a letter to the Queen before I forget how to write!! / What, are we nerds? That's nerd stuff. All I remember is we are wild dudes that know how to party down! / Listen to me closely, Topato, you and I are warriors sworn to protect our capricious, teenage princess! / Is she hot? / Yes, for a humanoid, she is most visually pleasing. / Party! / 12Mar03. It is as if Topato has become possessed by the ancient spirit of Earth Emperor Andrew WK III
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040312.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Okay, Topato. I've finished this letter to the Queen but I have forgotten what it means! / PARTY TIME!! / I think weneed to take this letter to the princess, now... / But... yeah! That sounds nice! Let's have a party with Princess Dongle!! / Let me tell you somethin', Sheriff Pony. Those royals can PARTY like you won't beliieve, so bring your party galoshes and goggles. / But, Topato, you have no memories! How do you know of the party habits of royalty? / I recall what is common sense fact. From now on you are Sheriff PARTY. / TRANSLANTED... / You, Majesty the reason we are dumb is b/c we deleted a "WORLDLINE" PLS help us make that didn't happen luv Sherrif Pony
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040315.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET BOOM / GASP! / CLIK / Hello!!! Are you the Princess?! We're the Party Police and you're under arrest!! / Of course I am the Princess, Topato!! You are required to request an audience with me! / Let me ask you one question, baby. DO YOU LIKE TO PARTY? / Well... yeah! Now that you mention it... I do like to party!! / Then let's get this party started right! / Let me ask you one more question, baby... / Do you like to party ALL NIGHT LONG?
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20040316.html
 

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