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|WIGU: Triple gigascoop of soft-serve, coming right up||Panel 1. Interior of X-files limo. Sheriff Pony on examining table. Lashawndra in lab coat looking on. / LaShawndra: So, why can't you move, alien? is our gravity to strong for you? / Sheriff Pony: It is an amusing tale, actually. And please, call me Sheriff Pony. / Panel 2. Closeup on Sheriff Pony / Sheriff Pony: While attempting to prevent a busload of schoolchildren from careening toward toom, I was struck by an unidentifiable object which thusly immobilized me! / Panel 3. Closeup on President-loving toady, pointing finger / Toady: Spare us the hero crap, weirdy! Everyone knows the only real heroes are Americans. / Panel 4. Sheriff Pony / This request may come at an awkward time but... may I be allowed several moments of privacy? My digestion cycle has completed. / Panel 5. Toady / Toady: Nice try, weirdy, but we're not lettin' you out of our sights. Get the bucket, LaShawndra. / Panel 5. Sheriff Pony, LaShawndra bringing big orange container in background / Sheriff Pony: Sir, I implore you. It is in your best interest to-- / Panel 6. Toady, looking away, shutting eyes. / Toady: JUST DO YOUR BUSINESS AND GET IT OVER WITH. / Panel 7. Exterior. Parked limo, next to exploding airborne limo ejecting ice cream. / Sound: PSHOOM / No dialogue. / Tiny text: 17AUG04. MAN WHAT DID SHERIFF PONY GET INTO YESTERDAY|
|WIGU: An embarrassment of richness||Panel 1. Road in country. Black helo in background. Lashawndra sitting where she fell, Toady standing, working cell phone, Sheriff Pony supine, blown up van on its side. Ice cream splattered all over everything. / LaShawndra: See, this is a good time to call the President. / Toady: Oh, I'm all over that. / Sheriff Pony (thought baloon): So embarrassing... / Panel 2. President in zoo(?), seen from back, wearing cowboy hat, Bald Eagle tee-shirt, talking on cell phone, carrying shotgun, looking at chicken. / Toady's voice from phone: Sir, remember that "thing" we talked about earlier? / President: Whut? / Panel 3. Toady standing next to Sheriff Pony, ice cream all over. / President's voice from phone: Whut, that space critter? / Toady: Yeah. Whatever this thing is, it craps ice cream. It craps a lot of ice cream. / Panel 4. President in zoo, looking at turtle and chicken. / President: Oh yeah? What flavor? Is it any good? / Panel 5. Closeup on ice-cream splattered toady, considering his options. / Panel 6. President, looking at squirrel and chicken. / President: Well? / Panel 7: President, looking at duck and goose. / Toady's voice from phone: ...vanilla, sir... / Panel 8: President, looking at cow and bird. / Toady's voice from phone: ...it is delicious. / President: Heh heh. / Tiny text: 18AUG04. AFTER THAT THE PRESIDENT CALLED HIS FRIENDS AND TOLD THEM HE WON THE BET|
|WIGU: Sheriff Pony gets deported||Panel 1. Panel title: THE WHITE HOUSE... Horse's ass next to stallion, seen from behind. President is wearing eagle shirt and talking on phone. / President: ...why are you even askin' me about this? You know my stand on aliens. / Panel 2. Toady on phone by paralyzed Sheriff Pony, covered with ice cream. / President's voice (on phone): Send 'em back to Mexico, where they came from! / Toady: But sir, you understand this is a space alien, not an illegal immigrant-- / Panel 3. President on phone / President: I understand not stutterin'! And that's what I didn't not do!! / Panel 4. Toady and LaShawndra, with paralyzed Sheriff Pony and wrecked limo in background. Ice cream spattered everywhere on everybody. / Toady: We have to go to Mexico again. / LaShawndra: That's like the third time this week. / Panel 5. Road passes through gap in chain link fence, gap blocked by laser beams. / on the far side, Sheriff Pony lies paralyzed in the road. On the near side, the black van drives away. / Sign: WELCOME TO MEXICO / Panel 6. Title: HOURS LATER... Man in hazmat suit and sombrero holds Geiger counter towards Sheriff Pony. / Sheriff Pony: Sir, I cannot begin to describe how delighted I am you are here! / Hazmat man: ¿Cómo? / Geiger counter: CRK CRK / Tiny text: 19AUG04. LEARN SPANISH REAL FAST BEFORE TOMORROW'S COMIC|
|WIGU: The highest bidder||Panel 1. Two men in hazmat suits with Mexico patches, wearing sombreros, stand over the paralyzed Sheriff Pony. There is a note taped to Sheriff Pony's flank. / Hazmat 1: ¿Cuál es esa rosa? / Subtitle: What is that thing? / Hazmat 2 (pointing): Hay una nota. ¿Usted lo miraba? / Subtitle: There is a note. Did you look at it? / Panel 2. Closeup on note in hazmat suit glove / Note: Here is your space pony back. He poops ice cream. Have fun! --USA / Subtitle: Estoy volviendo su porto del espacio. Él defeca el helado. Tenga diversión -- E.E.U.U. / Panel 3. Sheriff pony in back of pickup truck driven by men in sombreros. / Voice of driver: Lo llevaremos al presidente. Él nos demonstrará que hacer. / Subtitle: We will take him to the president. He will show us what to do. / Panel 4. Big building with Mexican flag / Subtitle: (The Presidential Palace) / Panel 5. Sheriff Pony on table. We see a man in serape and sombrero facing away. / Man: ¿Un porto que esta defecando helado? Hay seguaramente alguien que pagaría muchos de dinero este tesoro. / Subtitle: The pony is defecating ice cream? Surely there is someone who would pay a lot of money for this treasure. / Panel 6. Man in serape and sombrero facing us from shadows, so all we see of his face is a huge moustache. He calls to his secretary. / Man: ¡Lupé! Encuentre el número del teléfono del Diablo! / Subtile: Lupe! Find the telephone number for the Devil! / Lupé: Ok! / Tiny text: 20AUG04. ESPAÑOLIFICATION BY J.E. POE|
|WIGU: Sold down the rio inferno||Panel 1. Title: hell. Noxious fumes, blasted landscape with tortured bodies around pools of fire. Atop a weird mesa, a devil reclines on a bed.
/ Sound: Ring Ring / Panel 2: Shemale devil, with brown hair and leg-fur, red complexion, goatee, wearing black wife-beater with red circled-pentagram logo, answering hell-phone.
/ Devil: Who loves Kitty? / Panel 3. Presidente seen from behind, obscured by big leather chair except for sombrero and arm. Desk in front of him, and behond that, paralyzed Sheriff Pony lying on his side on a table.
/ Presidente: SeÃ±or Diablo, yengo algo para vender y es muy enteresante--es un potro que defeca el helado!
/ Subtitle: Mr. Devil, I have something for sale you may be interested in--it is a pony that defecates ice cream! / Panel 4. Close-up on Devil on hell-phone.
/ Devil: Oh that sounds delightfully fabulous! We could use something like that here, what with the endless eons of horrible, unimaginable burning and all! / Panel 5. Presidente from the front, wearing serape, talking on phone. Face obscured under sombrero except for huge moustache, which he twirls.
/ Presidente: Â¿Tenemos un reparto?
/ Subtitle: So... do we have a deal? / Panel 6. Shemale devil on hell-phone.
/ Devil: Oh, absolutely, Sweetheart! I'll get the dinero to you in two shakes... but, you do remember the only form of currency we're allowed to use down here, right?... / Panel 7. Convoy of dump trucks in hell livery: Red cab with horns and toothy grille, black body with red circled-pentagram logo.
/ Devil's voice (from out of frame): Pennies! / Tiny text: 23AUG04. YEA... THIS ONE IS A LITTLE WEIRD.
|WIGU: Atropos snips a double||Panel 1. Closeup on paralyzed Sheriff Pony on table. Presidente in background. / Sheriff Pony (thought baloon): That human is arranging to sell my disabled body to a place called "Hell". i must access the multidimensionalwide web! / Panel 2. Closeup on Sheriff Pony's eye, reflecting greeked computer text. / Computer text (green on black): HELL: A PLACE WHERE CERTAIN EARTH BIPEDS BELIEVE THEY WILL SPEND 'ETERNITY' SUFFERING IN FIERY TORTURE AS PUNISHMENT FOR DISOBEYING THEIR DEITY. / Panel 3. Sheriff Pony on table / Sheriff Pony (thought baloon): Anything an intelligent life form believes in manifests itself as reality in an alternate dimension! I must believe in myself! / Panel 4. El Presidente. At last we see him full-face, with Mexico-logo eyepatch on right eye. Behind him, hooded executioner with axe. / Presidente: Lo siento, SeÃ±or Potro. Hay solamente unidireccional consequir al inferno. / Subtitle: I'm sorry, Mr. Pony. There's only one way to get to hell. / Panel 5. Title: MEANWHILE, IN BUTTER DIMENSION QUAD... Topato reclining in lava bath, listening to fancy boom-box. / Topato: No expression of joy can truly describe the way a lava bath's embrace justifies a lifestyle of cruelty without remorse! / Panel 6. Boom box being yanked by power cord into lava pool. / Effects: YANK / Tiny text: 25AUG04. WE HAVE JUST GOT WORD THAT HELL IS ALSO FOR CHILDREN|
|WIGU: Express purgatory for Sheriff Pony||Panel 1. Executioner sweating through his mask at the end of his swing / Sound: CHOP / No dialogue / Panel 2. Label: PURGATORY. Atrium with snake on a pole, clowns, aliens, demons dinosaurs, catcoon. Sheriff Pony arrives in the central sand pit. / Sheriff Pony: What is this place? / Panel 3. Bald man with spider legs, body, and fangs tips his bowler hat. / Bald man: Welcome to Purgatory, friend. / Panel 4. Sheriff pony lies paralyzed on the sand. Bald man walks up on eight legs. / Sheriff Pony: Purgatory... that place does not exist in my memory glands. / Bald man: Heh. Most folks don't know 'bout Purgatory. Wanna know 'bout it? / Sheriff Pony: Yes. / Panel 5. Bald man touches his forehead / Bald man: All th' universe's bein's go down here t' get they fates decided. This here's a kind of sortin' facility for souls, spirits, ghosts, whatever you seriously believe in. / Panel 6. Sheriff Pony's face; Bald man's head in foreground / Sheriff Pony: How long will we need to wait here, sir? / Bald man: Heh. Ain't no time here. Only waitin'. / Panel 7. Closeup on Bald man next to Sheriff Pony / Bald man: So, what happened to ye? A manglin'? A stranglin'? / Sheriff Pony: I was sold to a man called "Diablo". / Panel 8. Bald man seen over Sheriff Pony's face / Bald man: Oh, hten what you worryin' about? You're prob'ly next on the list! / Tiny text: 26AUG04. PURGATORY IS TERRIBLE!|
|WIGU: Unpleasant surprises in life and death||Panel 1. Princess Dongle poking head in hatch to Topato's quarters in Butter Dimension Quad. / Princess: Topato, are you home? You had beter be home! / Panel 2. Princess crawling in through hatch. / Princess: Daddy's really angry about the way you have been behaving. / Panel 3. Princess entering Topato's bath room, sees Topato in lava bath. / Princess: Topato, this is an inappropriate time to play "Obfuscate and Investigate"!! / Princess: (realizing Topato is nonresponsive, partially dissolved or decomposed) Topa-- / Panel 4. Princess reacts in horror. / Panel 5. Purgatory. Column of skulls. Hanged body. Various demons and weirdos. / Topato: This place is completely unacceptable on every possible level. You, Sir! Are you employed here?! / Panel 6. Purgatory. / Pale green finned demon with eyes stitched shut: NRRAG / Topato: Wait a moment... I seem to recall perishing... but this is not the utopia of ecstasy I had expected to arrive to... / Panel 7. Purgatory. Topato springing into action! Catcoon and unicorn in background. / Topato: I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A MEMBER OF MANAGEMENT! / Panel 8. Purgatory / Black lumpish demon with vertical red slit for face, wearing white tie: I am assistant manager. / Topato: This ethereal establishment lacks nubile maidens and gambling. / Tiny text: 27AUG04. EVEN IN PURGATORY THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS WRONG|
|WIGU: Awesomelope trivia contest in Purgatory||Panel 1. Purgatory. Sheriff Pony lying in sandpile. / Topato's voice(offstage, from previous comic, August 27, 2004. The voice acquires an exclamation point traveling through time and purgatory): I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A MEMBER OF MANAGEMENT!! / Sheriff Pony: TOPATO!! / Panel 2. Purgatory. Topato springing into action! Various ghouls, snakes, purple arm reaching out of lava pit in background. / Topato: Bizzare! Did I truly hear the call of my erstwhile partner, Sheriff Pony, or have I fallen victim to some twisted ruse concocted by this living, cosmic dungeon? / Panel 3. Closeup on Sheriff Pony's head, Topato rising over background dune. / Sheriff Pony: TOPATO, CAN YOU HEAR-- / Topato: It is an impressive hallucination... / Panel 4. Closeup on Sheriff Pony's head, Topato's back in foreground. / Sheriff Pony: I am real, Topato! It is me! / Topato: Do not attempt to deceive me! The real Sheriff Pony is capable of movement! / Panel 5. Closeup on Sheriff Pony, Topato's head appearing in background, body obscured by Sheriff Pony's butt. / Sheriff Pony: I am injured! You must believe me. / Panel 6. Topato eyeing pony through magnifying glass. Miscellaneous demon appendages in background. / Topato: I will administer a test-- What is the first name of our Princess? / Sheriff Pony: Awesomelope! We went back in time to the day of her birth and named her! / Panel 7. Topato wheeling Sheriff Pony in wheelbarrow marked "PROPERTY OF PURGATORY". / Topato: It is a pleasure to be reunited with you, friend! This primitive device will provide you assisted mobility! / Sheriff Pony: Whee! / Tiny Text: 31AUG04. GOODBYE AUGUST 2004. WE HAD FUN!|
|WIGU: Call for Sheriff Pony on the Hellaphone||Panel 1. Sheriff Pony in wheelbarrow, wheeled down the ramp by Topato in Purgatory / Sheriff Pony: Topato, how exactly do you plan to escape this place? / Panel 2. Side view of Topato wheeling Sheriff Pony / Sheriff Pony: This is no ordinary place! This is Purgatory! Here, we exist only as posthumous spirits! / Topato: Sheriff Pony, I am devising a scheme at this very moment! / Panel 3. Pale green bug-eyed monster with left eye removed and stitched up carries clipboard to Topato and Sheriff Pony / Monster (speaking in weird typeface): Shay-riff Pony! You been Called tO meEt yoUr finaL damnation. / Panel 4. View from below of Sheriff Pony rising up the atrium of Purgatory. Heads of monster and Topato partly visible in foreground. / Sheriff Pony: HELP! / Panel 5. Topato and monster / Topato: Where has he gone?! How do I get there? / Monster: He bEen called doWn to the lair of EternaL Sufferin'. You goin' there too. What numBer do YoU got? / Panel 6. Closeup of clipboard / HELL-EE-DEE display: 66666E / Panel 7. Closeup of monster / Monster: eeE eEe Eee HeE. / Tiny text: 01SEP04. THE MONSTER DOESN'T REALLY LIKE HIS JOB.|
|WIGU: The poor devil gets it in the details.||Panel 1. Topato confronts pale green bug-eyed demon, one eye amputated. / Panel title: PURGATORY / Topato: I demand disclosure of Sheriff Pony's location, and easy-to-follow directions on how to get there. / One-eyed demon(dialect indicated by scrawly typeface): He done gone to Hades. / Panel 2. Topato and one-eyed demon. Hand reaching in background. / One-eyed demon(rubbing fingers together at the end of long skinny warped arm): Th' Dark Prince paid a pretty penny t' get his hands on yer buddy. I imagine I might operate in much the same fashion. / Topato: Hm. / Panel 3. Topato in purgatory. Snake, arm, demons, catcoon in background. / Topato: Topato Potato does not typically deal in bribery. However, in this instance, I am prepared to offer one million. / Panel 4. One eyed demon handing contract to Topato. Ramparts in background with robot or something. / One-eyed demon: Two million. / Topato: We have an agreement. / One-eyed demon: Sign here, please. / Topato: Do you have a pen? / Panel 5. Topato, signing contract on clipboard (marked P on back). Pile of skulls and bloody column in background. / Topato: Ah, you failed to specify the units of currency agreed on. / Topato: In this instance, currency will be metered out in blows to the head. / Panel 6. Closeup of demon's head covered with bumps in front of Topato, pummeling. / Panel title: 750,000 BLOWS TO THE HEAD LATER... / Demon: Okay I'll tell ya how ya get to Hades! Please Stop Okay? / Topato: Your negotiation tactics are embarassingly pathetic! / Tiny text: 3SEP04. THE GUY IS JUST A POOR SOCIAL WORKER IN PURGATORY|
|WIGU: Girl devil boy, interrupted||Panel 1. Devil's face, portrait of man with moustache in backround / Devil: Oh, aren't you just the most adorable thing! / Panel 2. Closeup on devil's eyes / Devil: But I didn't pay to look at you! Let's see you make some ice cream! / Panel 3. Sheriff Pony on red altar, desk and Devil's head seen from behind in foreground. / Sheriff Pony: But, sir! You must understand that I bust consume and digest food before I excrete ice cream! / Devil: How silly of me! What pray tell can I force our tortured chefs to prepare for you? / Panel 4. Closeup on Sheriff Pony's head / Sheriff Pony: Sir, the beings from my dimension subsist only on-- / Sound: SLAM / Panel 5. Devil standing at desk. We see, in case we forgot from two weeks ago, that the devil is tranny: Long curly brown hair, red horns and complexion, black goatee, black wife-beater red pentagram symbol between tits. Behind devil is portrait of bearded man. In foreground, we see Topato from behind, pointing the finger of command. / Topato: Release my friend at once, she-male! / Devil: Who are you? How did you get in here?! / Panel 6. Closeup on Topato, with Sheriff Pony in background / Topato: My name is Topato Potato. I was able to gain access to your lair by drastically reducing the numbers of your workforce! / Panel 7. Topato and Devil, eye to eye, seen from side / Topato: if you do not desire similar reductions at management level, I would advise complying with my demands. / Devil: You're a sassy little thing! Do you perchance play fiddle? / Tiny text: 07SEP04. WHAT DO THEY EAT? WILL WE EVER FIND OUT?|
|WIGU: Setting rules||Panel 1. Topato and Devil in hell seen against blood-dripping walls. Sheriff Pony in background on red altar. / Topato: You wish to challenge me to a fiddling contest that will determine the liberation of my partner? / Devil (holding scroll): That's what i said, sweetheart. / Topato: May I review the rules? / Panel 2. Topato reading scroll / Topato: I see. If you are to champion this competition, I must relinquish to you the custody of my soul. / Panel 3. Topato and Devil / Topato (offering scroll back): I agree to the terms of this contract pending the procurement of an impartial judge. / Devil (calling upwards): Oh, Jehovah!! You awake? / Panel 4. Devil holding fiddle with red pentagram marking / Voice of god: Of course I am. I am God. / Devil: He's impartial as they come. Would you like to borrow my fiddle? / Panel 5. Topato, holding Butter Dimension Quad fiddle. It wraps around from the back of his head, over his left shoulder, to under his right arm, with audio feed into his right ear. Output is four organ pipes and a woofer. Controls include two electronic keyboards, volume slider, power button. Random other features adorn the device. In background, we see that the carpet has a circled red pentagram. / Topato: No, thank you. I travel nowhere without my own fiddle. / Panel 6. Devil pointing finger of accusation at Topato and his fiddle / Devil: Darling, that ain't no fiddle. Move to disqualify! / Topato: Where I reside, this instrument is known as a fiddle. It is your responsibility to know this, sir. / Voice of God: Overruled. / Tiny text: 08SEP04. THE TUBA IN BUTTER DIMENSION QUAD IS PLAYED WITH YOUR BLADDER MUSCLES|
|WIGU: The devil is always a sucker for these contests||Panel 1. Devil with hell-fiddle facing Topato with Butter Dimension Quad fiddle against a background of earthen hills and flames
/ Devil: Okay, bitch. Let's get this fiddlin' party started. I'll flip a coin--
/ Topato: Surely an ancient deity can think of something less mundane to flip. / Panel 2. Panel title: SOMEWHERE ON EARTH... A pick up truck has left the road and is about to land upside down on the shoulder. No dialogue / Panel 3. Closeup on Devil
/ Devil: Tails. I go first. / Panel 4. Closeup on Devil playing hell fiddle, eyes closed in concentration. No dialogue.
/ Effects: Musical notes / Panel 5. Closeup on Topato with Butter Dimension Quad fiddle
/ Voice of god: You have made a joyful noise unto me. Topato, take your turn.
/ Topato: finally. / Panel 6. Topato playing Butter Dimension Quad fiddle. The vibrations are so strong that the entire panel is blurry, and Devil is thrown up against wall, tail curled.
|WIGU: Rigged contest, round two||Panel 1. Devil and Topato, with Sheriff Pony seen in background. / Voice of god: The fiddle contest is over. Victory goes to Topa-- / Devil (pointing finger of interruption): Wait just one minute there, Jehovah! / Paenl 2. Devil and Topato, with Sheriff Pony seen in background. / Devil (pointing finger of accusation at Topato): We didn't even play the same instrument. I played a fiddle hand he played a contraption! / Voice of god: What say you, Topato Potato? / Topato: I would enjoy re-clobbering this buffoon. / Panel 3. Closeup on Topato with bow and hell-fiddle. Human skull half-buried in background. / Voice of god: You will need to play the same instrument as Satan, Topato. Art thou prepared for this? / Topato: Any task a bi-ped can perform, I can perform with greater skill. / Panel 4. Topato holding hell-fiddle, Devil with folded arms. Horse skull half-buried in background. / Topato: Confounded device... its weight alone is awkwardly cumbersome... / Devil: That's solid gold there, Sugar. / Panel 5. Topato uses hell-fiddle as a club to bash Devil. Sound: THWACK. No dialogue. / Panel 6. Topato and Sheriff Pony / Topato: Sheriff Pony, initiate daring escape mode! / Sheriff Pony: I am still paralyzed! / Topato: I will arrange a time extension! / Panel 7. Topato continues to beat Devil (unseen below frame, except for blood splashback) with hell-fiddle. / Voice of god: I am going to allow this. / Sound: Thud / Tiny text: 10SEP04. VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER EXCEPT WHEN YOU ASK THE RIGHT QUESTION.|
|WIGU: Reappearance and reanimation||Panel 1. Butter Dimension Quad. Teary-eyed Princess Dongle in veil and black cleavage, surrounded by pallbearerbots.
/ Princess: We are assembled in this place to mourfull acknowledge the life-termination of my friends, Topato and Sheriff--
/ Sound: BOOM / Panel 2. Wide shot of princess, veil pulled back, wearing poodle skirt. Paralyzed Sheriff pony leaning upside down against some BDQ architecture. Topato in foreground.
/ Princess: Topato!! Sheriff Pony!! We... we thought you were dead!
/ Topato: You may continue those thoughts for the good Sheriff unless we act fast! / Panel 3. Closeup on Topato, paralyzed pony in background, back of Princess's hair and shoulder partially visible in foreground.
/ Topato: Princess, you must acquire my tiny tome of medical information and my hypodermic spear! You must inject hydrogen peroxide directly into his torso or he will perish in moments! / Panel 4. Princess facing Topato
/ Princess: I am not qualified for that action! Topato, why can't you do it?!
/ Topato: Because I am made of Poison! Any poisonous residue on the spear will also result in death! / Panel 5. Princess sprinting through BDQ with spear. No dialogue / Panel 6. Princess holding spear in both hands over her head, pointing down. Topato beside her.
/ Topato: Remember to use a "stabbing" motion...
/ Topato: One...
/ Topato: two...
/ Topato: three. / Panel 6. Sheriff Pony with spear sticking in his belly. Back of Topato and Princess's heads in foreground.
/ Topato: Sheriff Pony! provide verbal confirmation of your well-being!
/ Sheriff Pony: Will you require a confirmation number?
/ Princess: That was trippy. / Tiny text: 11SEP04. THAT'S THE MAIS PLAYERS PERFORMING THE OVERDOSE SCENE FROM PULP FICTION!
|WIGU: Lies, Damned Lies, and Television||Panel 1. Ms. Jackson standing in front of blackboard / Ms. Jackson: ... so who can tell me why the metric system is better? / Blackboard: 16/32 vs. .5 / Panel 2. Wigu and Betty Lou Thelma Liz at desks in class. Clock: 9:55. / Wigu (thought balloon): I don't even know why we have to go to school... / Wigu (thought balloon): Why do we even have "The Learning Channel"? / Panel 3. Closeup on TV: [T][L][C] / TV: Up next on the Learning Channel / Panel 4. Three moustachioed leathermen in front of a huge menorah. One has steel helmet with Star of David and "TOP GUN" a-shirt. / TV voiceover: A gang of gay, Jewish bikers help a boy become a fabulous man in--"Homosexual Biker Gang Bar Mitzvah"! / Panel 5. Closeup on Ms. Jackson / Ms. Jackson: Yes, Wigu... You have a question? / Panel 6. Wigu at his desk, raising hand / Wigu: Yeah, Miss Jackson. Why do they call it "The Learning Channel" when it doesn't learn you anything? / Panel 7. Closeup on Ms. Jackson's angry face / Ms. Jackson: Everything you learn outside this classroom is a lie. / Tiny text: 13SEP04. THIS SHOW COMES ON AFER "EXTREME NASCAR MAKEOVER"|
|WIGU: The word isn't "traumatize"||Panel 1. Paisley's psych? classroom. Older prof at desk, with jar labeled "PAP..." in foreground. Behind him on the blackboard: Co-depen... post-tra... stress / Prof, reading notes: Paisley Tinkle, it's time for your presentation. / Panel 2. Mariah and sleeping student at desks. Paisley standing. / Mariah: Giv 'em hell, Tinkle Bell. / Paisley: I plan to do just that, Danzig... hat. / Panel 3. Paisley at lectern. Behind her, cracked plaster wall and blackboard with TEEN P... TEENS... DON... DO... ... / Paisley: Ahem. / Paisley: We all deserve to die. / Panel 4. Paisley at lectern seen from side. in background, we see Prof looking apprehensive and blackboard: -COITUS -ALCOHOL -EFETTE -FETUS / Paisley: ...even in death we won't stop Our psychotic rape of our planet. Trees must die to supply coffins. Embalmbing fluid turns once-fertile cemetaries into veritable toxic waste dumps. / Panel 5. Long shot of Paisley at lectern, back of kids' heads in foreground. / Paisley (raising two fingers): Since I have been specifically instructed not to encourage suicide, I offer you these two ways you can help. / Panel 5. Extreme closeup on Paisley, making hella eye contact. / Paisley: Do not procreate. And, if you feel sick, do not seek medical help. Wander into the woods and die with dignity. / Paisley: Thank you. / Panel 6. Paisley at lectern, looking smug. No dialogue. / Tiny text: 14SEP04. THERE IS A COMMONLY USED WORD THAT IS NOT USED IN THIS COMIC. IT STARTS WITH "T" AND ENDS WITH "E"|
|WIGU: Not above a trite narrative device||Panel 1. Quincy playing video game. / Sound: KNOCK KNOCK / Quincy: Ennngh. / Panel 2. Cross section shot: Quincy peering through peephole at ninja, holding automatic high, pointing down at ninja through door. / Ninja: Delivery for Mister Tinkle. / Quincy: Let's see some ID. / Panel 3. Ninja seen through peephole, holding up sword. / Ninja: Do you... see my ID? / Panel 4. Seen from outside house, POP sound as gun shoots through door, then comes open, Ninja leaping high to avoid being shot, coming down with sword at Quincy, falling through doorway. No dialogue. / Panel 5. Quincy, kneeling, grabs chainsaw. In foreground, partial view of ninja from back, left hand hoding morningstar. No dialogue. / Panel 6. Quincy on couch, asleep. / Sound: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK / Quincy: Enngh... / Quincy: ZZZZ / Tiny text: 15SEP04. THIS ONE GOES OUT TO HARD LUCK LOUIE|
|WIGU: Office on the wagon||Panel 1. Romy and Mel in corporate lunchroom. / Romy: When can we go to lunch, Mel? I'm so thirsty I could drink Busch. / Mel: Have a seat, Romy. / Panel 2. Closeup on Mel / Mel: Now, there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. We're no longer allowed to drink booze during lunch. / Panel 3. Romy sitting at table looking stupefied. McDonald's mug on table. No dialogue. / Panel 4. Side shot of Mel and Romy. Movie poster on wall between them: ...S ...GRASP / Mel: Now I'm just as upset by this policy change as you are. God knows how I'm gonna fake it through another day without some help from Johnnie Walker Red. / Romy: (speaking in unsettled typeface) You're Serious?! / Panel 5. Closeup on Romy, raising fist of defiance / Romy: Well, isn't htis, like, I don't know-- unconstitutional?! They can't tell us what we can and can't drink! / Panel 6. Closeup on Mel / Mel: Romy, 10% of our employees are in some kind of clinic. Half are on administrative leave because of various personal reasons. 35% can only concentrate on their divorce. The other five percent--that's you and me. I... I finally got over my divorce. / Tiny text: 16SEP04. LYRICAL INSPIRATION BY THE LATE ELLIOTT SMITH. (see http://www.sweetadeline.net/lmiss.html)|
|WIGU: Withdrawal gossip||Panel 1. Quincy answering telephone in his music room. / Quincy: Ay, yello! / Romy's voice on telephone: Baby, it's me. / Panel 2. Closeup on Quincy on phone / Quincy: What's the matter, baby? You drunk? Need a ride? / Panel 3. Romy on phone / Romy: Far from it. Baby, they won't let us drink during lunch anymore! / Panel 4. Quincy on phone / Quincy: Well, that might not be a bad idea! Last time I was there, the receptionist was makin' out with the janitor! / Panel 5. Romy at desk, downtown window in background / Romy: Quincy, I have to repossess an orphanage at one o'clock! There's no way I can do that sober! / Panel 6. Closeup on Romy / Romy: Baby... can you help me out? / Panel 7. Quincy on phone / Quincy: Did I mention the receptionist and the janitor were both girls? / Panel 8. Romy / Romy: Quincy, I'm serious--wait, Tiffany made out with Moesha? Ha Ha!! / Quincy's voice on phone: I seen it! / Tiny text: 17SEP04. CRITICS SAY THIS COMIC "WILL TOILET-SNAKE YOUR SOUL"|
|WIGU: A new hope||Panel 1. Ms. Jackson facing class, including Wigu / Ms. Jackson: Okay, class, now let's talk about the environment. / Ms. Jackson: By the time you kids grow up, all the oil in the world will be dried up! / Panel 2. Ms. Jackson in front of blackboard / Ms. Jackson: If we don't come up with different kinds of fuel, there will be more wars and more pollution. / Panel 3. Wigu and Betty Lou Thelma Liz sitting at desks. / Wigu (raising hand): Miss Jackson, my dad said we got all kinds of alterlative fuels, but the fat cats in Washington are millionaires because of selling oil, and that's all they care about. / Panel 4. Ms. Jackson seen over top of Wigu's head. Apple on her desk next to her. / Ms. Jackson: Now Wigu, what did I tell you about learning things outside the class-room? / Ms. Jackson: Although he is right. / Panel 5. Ms. Jackson at front of class. / Ms. Jackson: For your assignment, I want you all to think of something that can be used as fuel that isn't oil. / Ms. Jackson: You have five minutes. / Panel 6. Wigu at desk / Wigu (thought balloon): Hmm... / Wigu (thought balloon): cats! / Tiny text: 20SEP04. MY CAR HAS 1,500 CATPOWER (NO NOT YOU, CHAN)|
|WIGU: Oil and cat||Panel 1. Ms. Jackson standing in front of blackboard. / Ms. Jackson: Okay, class, time's up! Who's got an idea for an alternate fuel source? / Panel 2. Wigu and Betty Lou Thelma Liz raising hands. / Ms. Jackson's voice: Betty Lou Thelma Liz? / Panel 3. Betty Lou Thelma Liz addressing the class. / Betty Lou Thelma Liz: Well, my Daddy owns an oil company and he says there's enough oil to last forever, so this isn't necessary. / Panel 4. Ms. Jackson standing behind Betty Lou Thelma Liz / Ms. Jackson: Very good, Betty Lou Thelma Liz. Now can we hear from someone who's not on an oil company's payroll? / Ms. Jackson: Wigu? / Panel 5. Wigu addressing the class, holding drawing / Wigu: Behold! It is the robot that runs on cats! / Panel 6. Closeup on drawing. Robot with cat strapped down in belly. Labels for various devices inside the robot: Pulling tail, Water Gun, tickle. The last seems to refer to a feather device. / Wigu's voicel: Everybody knows that when a cat gets mad, it makes energy and noise. The inside of the robot is like hell for cats, to make them angrier. There are cats hangin' around everywhere and that's how it works. / Tiny Text: 21SEP04. THESE PANTS I HAVE ON HAVE TWO LITTLE STRAPS ON CROTCH AND I CAN'T TELL WHAT THEY ARE FOR|
|WIGU: The absent-minded inventor||Panel 1. Wigu addressing class, see's Hugo summoning him from hall. / Wigu: Does anyone else have a question about the robot that is powered by cats? / Panel 2. Wigu looks up at Ms. Jackson, sitting at her desk. Sign on desk: REED not WEED / Wigu: Miss Jackson, can I go to the bathroom? I feel nauseous from public speaking. / Ms. Jackson: Go ahead, Wigu. / Panel 3. Wigu and Hugo in hall in front of water fountain. / Wigu: Hugo, why aren't you in class? Where have you been? / Hugo: Doggy, I had to ditch the Diablo! / Panel 4. Scene of Hugotti Diablo chaced by fighter jets. / Huog's voice (continued from last panel): After I set the school bus down, I had every fighter jet in the world chasin' me down! / Panel 5. Hugo hurrying down hall, Wigu trying to keep up. / Wigu: Why didn't you use the cloaky device? / Hugo: Kid, they got heat visions! / Panel 6. Hugo stops to look at Wigu / Hugo: Man, why your shirt on inside-out, Wigu? Ain't you got no sense? / Wigu (looking at his shirt): Aw, crap! I ain't got no sense! / Tiny text: 22SEP04. WIGU AIN'T GOT SENSE ENOUGH TO PUT HIS SHIRT ON THE RIGHT WAY|
|WIGU: Hugo drops out||Panel 1. School. Hugo in foreground looking forward, Wigu in background / Wigu: Hugo, are you gonna get the Hugotti Diablo back? / Hugo: Yo, I am out of the spaceship biz. / Panel 2. Side shot of Wigu watching Hugo looking away / Wigu: Well, you should come back to class before you get in trouble! / Hugo: That's why I be here, Wigu... I ain't goin' back to class, evah. / Panel 3. Closeup on Hugo, Wigu in background / Wigu: You can't be a fool, Hugo! Stay in school! / Hugo (thoughtful): I believe my destiny lie not in school, friend. / Panel 4. (Metaphorical) Hugo astride the earth, satellite and stars in background / Voice of Hugo (continued from last panel): In the last two days I done did more than most people be doin' in they whole lives. / Panel 5. Closeup of Hugo clasping Wigu's shoulder. Back of Wigu's head in bottom foreground. / Hugo: You been the only dogg in this school that give me respec. My destiny be callin' now. Maximum respec, my brother. / Panel 6. Back of Hugo, walking through door into the bright sunlight. No dialogue. / Panel 7. Closeup of Wigu, looking forward after Hugo. / Hugo, come back! You still need to learn how to talk right! / Tiny text: 23SEP04. WILL HUGO FIND HIS DESTINY RUNNING A SANDWICH SHOP IN TACKLEFORD, ENGLAND?|
|WIGU: Quincy and Hugo unite||Panel 1. Quincy standing in music room, shaking electronic piano keyboard. / Quincy: What the crap is wrong with my casio? / Panel 2. Quincy sitting, plunking keys on Casio. / Quincy (thought balloon): How the crap am I gonna compose soundtracks for 15 dirty movies now? / Panel 3. Closeup on Quincy / Sound: Ding Dong / Quincy: Ah, WHO IS IT?! / Panel 4. Hugo on doorstep, talking through door. / Hugo: Mr. Tinkle, it be me, Hugo. i need your help in a sort of life-coachin' capacity. / Panel 5. Quincy in doorway, Hugo facing away in foreground / Quincy: What do you want? Don't you kids ever go to school? / Hugo: Not me no more, Mr. Tinkle. I want to know how to be like you. / Panel 6. Closeup on Quincy in doorway / Quincy: Hugo, it's hard bein' like me! Today I got 15 porno movies I gotta watch and write the music for, and my dang Casio's busted! / Panel 7. Hugo looking idealistic in foreground, Quincy exasperated in background. / Hugo: See, Mr. Tinkle, to me that seem like the most ultimate thing there is to do! / Quincy: It's hard! / 24SEP2004. WATCHING FIFTEEN PORNOGRAPHIC FILMS A DAY IS HARD WORK.|
|WIGU: I use the term "male" loosely||Paisley: Ugh. We got "family living" class now, Mariah. / Mariah: Hey, it's an easy "A". / Paisley: It's ridiculous! It's a class that teaches you how to cook and raise children and there's only one male in the whole class! / Effeminate Male: OMIGOD you guys! Do you have your "family living" projet ready?! / Paisley: I use the term "male" loosely. / Mariah: Paisley, "family living" is an elective! You've got to choose it! / Paisley: I don't care! / Paisley: I'm sure there's some kind of social travesty going on here... I've just got to figure out what it is. / Effeminate male: You don't have your project ready, do you, Paisley. / Paisley: Of course I don't. / The assignment was "bring a thing you can eat".|
|WIGU: Hugo's first lesson||Panel 1. Quincy looking forward in foreground; Hugo in background
/ Quincy: Well, Hugo, if you wanna be like me, you gotta know how to fix a keyboard. can you do that?
/ Hugo: Uh... / Panel 2. Closeup of Hugo beside amp
/ Hugo: Mr. Tinkle, when you say "fix", do you mean like riggin' a boxin' match? And by "keyboard" do you mean a computer keyboard? / Panel 3. Closeup of Quincy behind electronic piano keyboard
/ Quincy: No, I mean my Casio. Can you fix it? / Panel 4. Closeup of Hugo looking over keyboard in foreground, Quincy in background
/ Hugo: Mr. Tinkle, I can rig a boxin' match, an' I can fix a computa keyboard, but I can't do nothin' with this thing. / Panel 5. Closeup of Hugo looking down at keyboard.
/ Hugo: I can tell you one thing, though-- this here be a act of sabotage. / Panel 6. Closeup of Quincy
/ Quincy: What? How can you tell? / Panel 7. Hugo holds up keyboard to show us (and Quincy)
/ Hugo: Mr. Tinkle, I do not know much about music, but these ain't notes.
/ White Piano keys have red letters scrawled on them: |D|i|e| |t|i|n|k|l|e| |d|... / Tiny text: 28 SEP04. EVERY GOOD BOY DOES FINE
|WIGU: Invitation to a tower||Panel 1. Quincy and Hugo in Quincy's music room. / Quincy: Who woulda sabotaged may Casio keyboard? That's crazy. / Hugo: Mr. Tinkle, do you be a man with a lot of enemies? / Panel 2. Quincy, amps, speakers, and monitors in background / Quincy: Well yeah I got enemies! I can name you at least two dozen dudes who'd love to see me go down, right off the top of my head! / Panel 3. Hugo, wandering around the room in detective contemplation. Electronic equipment and racing car poster in background. Quincy sitting back in foreground. / Hugo: What about the ladies, Mr. Tinkle? / Quincy (slyly): Well, heh heh. There's a few of them that'd love to see me go down too! / Panel 4. Closeup on Hugo / Hugo: Mr. Tinkle, I can not solve this mystery unless you help me help you. / Panel 5. Hugo / Sound: RING RING / Hugo: Maybe that be a clue! / Panel 6. Quincy answering phone, Hugo listening to earpiece. / Quincy: Ay, yello. Quincy Tinkle here. / Klaus's voice from telephone: Guten tag, Herr Tinkle my name is Klaus Klimax and I am ze man zat broke your Casio. / Panel 7. Closeup on Klaus against sky background. / Klaus: If you would to like to ever use ze Casio again meet me on top of ze water tower, ok? / Klaus: Hee hee / Tiny text: 29SEP04. KLAUS KLIMAX IS FROM EUROPE OR SOMEWHERE LIKE THAT|
|WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET||Mr. Tinkle, that German dude sabotaged your keyboard! What you gonna do? / Quincy Tinkle does not negotiate with Euro-trash. / Besides, the thing only cost $100. I'm just gonna buy a new one. / But, Mr. Tinkle, this dude disrespected you. What about my... my trainin'? / Well all right, if you want to fight some greaseball on top of the water tower, then we'll go and do that, then. / Now hang on, Hugo. We ain't got seat belts. / Mr. Tinkle, I think that turtle want to race us! / 30 SEP 04. THE TURTLE HAS EDELBROCK HEADERS|
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