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|WIGU: Ameritrash meets Eurotrash||Panel 1. Shallow Brook water tower, label "...BROOK" painted red on cream background with rust stains. Quincy climbing up side ladder, followed by Hugo. Hugo has lost his footing on the underside and is holding on by his hands. Quincy's backhoe-mobile parked in foreground. No dialogue. / Panel 2. Quincy reaches rim of water tower. Meet Klaus Klimax (Skinny, megasideburns, undersized shades, wearing open black overcoat over red boxers and Doc Martens) and Humphrey (nasty, brutish, short, bald, monocle (right), eyepatch (left), neckless, wearing black cassock with white buttons up the front that terminate in a labret bead). / Klaus: Welcome to ze water tower, Herr Tinkle. I am Klaus Klimax, ze man you spoke to on ze telephone. / Quincy (pulling himself up from ladder): Ungh. / Panel 3. Quincy and Hugo with sweaty foreheads from climbing ladder. / Quincy: Can the formalities, Klimax. What do you want from me? / Hugo: Just smoke these fools, Mr. Tinkle. / Panel 4. Klaus and Humphrey. / Klaus: Oh, I see you have brought your own bespectacled manservant, here, zis is Humphrey. Meet him. / Humphrey: ALLO. / Panel 5. Quincy and Hugo facing Klaus and Humphrey. Quincy extends his arm. / Quincy: Quit screwin' around, Weirdy. Why did you call me out here? / Klaus: Ve both vant ze same thing! / Panel 6. Closeup on Klaus, rubbing chin, peeking over shades with pervy smile. / Klaus: Ve both vant to be you! / Tiny text: 01OCT04. BESPECTACLED MAN-SERVANTS ARE ALL THE RAGE THIS SEASON|
|WIGU: The gloves come off on the water tower||Panel 1. Closeup on Claus and Quincy / Klaus: Herr Tinkle, I am a musician like yourself, but ze adult films industry in my country is vile and corrupt. I came to America to find work and you hoard it all. / Quincy: It ain't my fault I'm awesome. / Panel 2. Closeup on Hugo and Humphrey / Hugo: Wat you starin' at, goofball? You cruisin fo' a bruisin? / Humphrey: I cruise for nassing. / Panel 4. Wide shot of all four / Klaus: Herr Tinkle, I am prepeared to destoy a thing you own each day until you give me a job or else you run out of things. Since I am European, I am very patient. / Quincy: I'm prepared to kick your ass right now. / Humphrey: You are a silly little man who uses very poor grammar! / Panel 5. Closeup on Hugo, Quincy (seen from back) facing Klaus in background. / Hugo: Yo, Mr. Tinkle, I'm ready to throw down once you give the word. I got yo back! / Quincy: Hang on, Hugo! we're still squarin' off! / Panel 6. Closeup on Humphrey as Wolverine blades extend from his wrists. / Sound (left wrist): CLINK / Sound (right wrist): CLINK / No dialogue. / Tiny text: 04ROC04. THERE'S WAY TOO MANY DUDES IN THIS COMIC|
|WIGU: Narrowly avoiding a cliff-hanger||Panel 1. Klaus faces Quincy with fists. In background, Hugo barehanded faces Humphrey with blades. / Klaus: Herr Tinkle, agree to my demands or else prepare to need to remove ze Casio from your bottom-side! / Quincy: I've had about enough of your vague threats, Klimax. / Panel 2. Closeup on Klaus / Klaus: Humphrey, ANGRIFF! / Panel 3. Closeup on Humphrey, adopting martial arts stance (right hand horizontal, left hand raised). No dialogue. / Panel 4. Closeup on Hugo, adopting weirder martial arts stance (arms out, left knee up). / Hugo: Yo, Mr. Tinkle, this dude got blades! / Panel 5. Closeup on Quincy avoiding Klause, who is holding a big stick with a nail in it. / Quincy: Hugo! Use your dumb baggy clothes as a parachute to jump off the water tower and call the police! / Panel 6. Closeup on Hugo falling with dumb baggy clothes. No dialogue. / Panel 7. Hugo and Quincy sitting in front of fireplace / Panel title: LATER / Hugo: Wow, Mr. Tinkle! How'd you know hte cops would show up so fast!? / Quincy: This is America, Hugo. And America hates foreigners. / Tiny text: 05ROCK04. BIG THANKS TO 8-YEAR-OLD RALPH MACCHIO'S CLONE FOR FILLING IN FOR HUGO|
|WIGU: Wigu, a Tesla for the new millennium||Panel 1. Students filing out of Ms. Jackson's class / Panel title: 12:00 pm / Sound: RAWNG / Ms. Jackson: That's the recess bell! Finish your plates and play nicely. / Panel 2. Closeup on Betty Lou Thelma Liz and Wigu, Ms. Jackson seen from behind in background. / Betty Lou Thelma Liz: Wigu, I give you permission to have lunch with me today. / Wigu: I don't need permission to do nothin! / Panel 3. Closeup on male teacher talking to Ms. Jackson / Male teacher: Wow, Gina. Were we that bad when we we're kids? / Ms. Jackson: Aw, they're adorable. / Panel 4. Male teacher and Ms. Jackson / Male teacher: You've got that Wigu Tinkle kid, don't you. That kid almost gave me a stroke last year. / Ms. Jackson: I do! / Panel 5. Closeup of Ms. Jackson talking out of frame, Wigu listening in background / Ms. Jackson: Do you know what he did today? He said stray cats could be a source of energy if you made them angry enough! / Panel 6. Wigu, looking determined / Wigu: I'll show you! My cat-powered robots will work! And when I'm richer than Bill Gates I'll make you go to my school! / Tiny Text: 06ROCK04. YOU SHOULD HEAR THEM TALK IN THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE, IT'S LIKE "DEADWOOD"|
|WIGU: Why he hates cats||Panel 1. Wigu and Betty Lou Thelma Liz sitting at table in lunchroom, mini-milk cartons visible. / Wigu: Stupidetta, can you believe those teachers were makin' fun of my idea? / Betty Lou Thelma Liz: I have a name. It's Betty Lou Thelma Liz. / Panel 2. Closeup on Wigu, with back of Betty Lou Thelma Liz's head and food-stained trash can in foreground. / Wigu: I know. I just don't want to use up all my syllables. / Betty Lou Thelma Liz: Wigu, grown-ups and kids just think differently. Don't worry about it! / Panel 3. Closeup on Betty Lou Thelma Liz, with back of Wigu's head in foreground. / Wigu: I will prove them wrong! I will prove that cats can be used as energy! / Betty Lou Thelma Liz: Wigu, putting a cat inside of a machine is cruelty to animals! / Panel 4. Closeup on Wigu, with sign in background / Sign: TODAY'S SPECIAL MASHED CHEESE / Wigu: Yea, but cats deserve it! One time a dang old cat put my big Sister in the hospital for no reason!! / Panel 5. Flashback. Darkened rooom with candle, Paisley in black hooded robe. Hello Kitty incense burner? / Panel title: TWO YEARS EARLIER.. / Paisley: Let the ritual begin. / Panel 6. Flashback. Shot widens to show Mariah in black robe holding red-hot pentagram branding iron. Paisley is holding a struggling cat. / Mariah: You hold the sacred cat and I will mark it with the logo of our coven. / Paisley: Hurry, Mariah! He's all mad! / 07ROCK04. PAISLEY SHOULD HAVE CHOSEN A TURTLE FOR HER FAMILIAR|
|Wigu: Promethean Wigu seeks cat||Panel 1. Betty Lou Thelma Liz and Wigu in lunch room, seen from above.
/ Wigu: Okay, we're finished eating. Will you help me find a stray cat?
/ Betty Mae Thelma Liz: I guess. / Panel 2. Wigu and Betty Lou Thelma Liz on playground
/ Wigu (Looking around): Where are all the dang cats? There's usually a hundred cats out here.
/ Betty Lou Thelma Liz (standing, arms folded, disapproving): This is God's way of telling you this is wrong / Panel 3. Closeup on Wigu, Betty Mae Thelma Liz partially visible in background
/ Wigu: God is wrong! This is an idea that will save the world He made out of magic or whatever! / Panel 4. Wigu, running, followed by Betty Mae Thelma Liz
/ Wigu: Look, Stupidetta, there's a cat! Help me box it in! / Panel 5 (inset). Cat. No dialogue.
|Wigu: You catch more cats with bologna than you do with sneakin'||Panel 1. Defiant cat cornered in cinderblocked corner of schoolyard. Half-buried coke-can in ground. No dialogue. / Panel 2. Wigu approaching cat, Betty Mae Thelma Liz watching. / Wigu: We got that sucker cornered! Move real slow, so you don't scare him! Go into sneak mode like this. / Effect (Wigu's foot): sneak / Panel 3. Closeup on Betty Mae Thelma Liz / Betty Mae Thelma Liz: Wigu, what if the cat has rabies?! Stray cats have rabies! / Panel 4. Closeup on Wigu holding bologna slice. / Wigu: Dang, I forgot about rabies. Oh well, that's why I brought this piece of bologna. / Panel 5. Cat in cinderblock corner, Betty Mae Thelma Liz and Wigu seen from behind in foreground. / Betty Mae Thelma Liz: You had a piece of bologna in your pocket? How gross! / Wigu (holding bologna slice out to cat): It's only been in there since this mornin'! / Panel 6. Cat eating bologna out of Wigu's hand / Wigu: That's a good cat. You like that bologna, don't you? / Panel 7. Wigu petting cat. Betty Mae Thelma Liz looking on in background. / Wigu: Fetch a real nice box, Stupidetta. This here is hte cat htat will save Earth. / Tiny text: 11ROCK04. CATS LIKE BOLOGNA LIKE BUMBLEBEES LIKE WHATEVER THE HELL THEY EAT|
|Wigu: Scratch a potato and you find the poison||Guest strip by patches. Three scenes in one panel. / Scene 1. Bear in overalls holds branch out toward Topato. / Topato: Little animal, it is my hope that you do not intend to molest me with that tree appendage. / Scene 2. Topato and bear facing reader / Topato: I would venture to recount the ghastly fate of a similar perpetrator, but I fear that its retelling may injure your tiny and simple ears. / Scene 3. Topato facing away. Bear scratching Topato's back with branch. Topato seems to be vibrating with pleasure. No dialogue. / No Tiny text.|
|WIGU: Moral dilemma between vacuum and energy||Panel 1. Playground. Betty Lou Thelma Liz, box with air holes (out of one of which emerges a paw), Wigu / Betty Mae Thelma Liz (holding box lid down): Wigu, this cat hates it in this box. Let's let it out. / Wigu (pointing at her and box): What you're feeling is 100% clean power. / Panel 2. Closeup on Wigu holding his chin, thinking. / Wigu: Hm... we have proved that cats have power. now, we must find a thing for it to power up! / Panel 3. Janitor Darrel standing on sidewalk with vacuum cleaner. Cord snakes away toward building. Closed door in background. No dialogue. / Panel 4. Betty Lou Thelma Liz and Wigu in background, approaching Janitor Darrel from behind. In foreground, Janitor Darrel is startled. / Wigu: Hey, Janitor Darrel, can I borrow your vacuum cleaner so I can hook a cat up to it? / Janitor Darrel (speaking in hick talk typeface): Well I don't know little ones that seems kind of unethical. / Panel 5. Betty Lou Thelma Liz and Wigu facing vacuum cleaner and Janitor Darrel. / Janitor Darrel: Also I had t' pay for this here vacuumer on account of the school not havin no money. / Panel 6. Closeup on Wigu as seen from adult height. / Wigu: Janitor Darrel, do you wan to become rich and save the world? This is what i am offering you today. / 13ROCK04. I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO LETTER WITH THE BRUSH PEN YET|
|WIGU: Zen and the art of world rescuin'||Panel 1. Wigu, box, vacuum, and Betty Lou Thelma Liz sitting on the lawn. / Wigu: Okay. We got a cat and a vacuum cleaner. We just have to find a way to hook them together. / Box: ROWR / Betty Lou Thelma Liz: Wigu, this keeps feeling more wrong. / Panel 2. Janitor Darrel returnin' from school buildin' with tools n' items / Janitor Darrel: Hey you Children I brung tools n' other items to help yer Secret project. / Panel 3. Wigu, standing, as seen from adult height / Wigu: Wow, Janitor Darrel! You really believe in my idea that cats can be an energy source? / Panel 4. Janitor Darrel seen against background of school and mountain, looking idealistic. / Janitor Darrel: Well I believe it is a pretty zany notion but i think it takes some zany thinkin' to save this doomed planet. Way I see it, a dang cat ain't no different than a chicken. A cat is a tool of sorts. / Panel 5. Vacuum, Wigu, box (shaking), Janitor Darrel / Wigu (standing, rubbing chin): Hm... how are we gonna do this? Can we use a little electricity? / Janitor Darrel: Nope. usin' 'lectricity is cheatin'. / Panel 6. Closeup on idealistic janitor Darrel / Janitor Darrel: Oh yea, I also believe that when a newborn baby dreams, it is rememberin' past lives. / Tiny text: 14ROCK04. A CHICKEN IS LIKE A HAMMER IN THAT YOU CAN HIT THINGS WITH IT.|
|WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET||Janitor Darrel and Wigu strap Principal Bootsey's cat, Booduh, to a vaccuum cleaner in order to restore Wigu's pride after being made fun of.|
|WIGU: Sticky situation in Art Class||Panel 1. Paisley, Mariah, and Antar seated at table. Picture of one-finger salute on piece of paper on table. Art teacher standing on other side.
/ Paisley: How does this school manage to make art class dumb?
/ Art teacher (holding tube of glue): Class, as you may have heard, our budget has been cut yet again to allow a soda machine to be installed in the wrestling team's bus. This angers me to dangerous levels. / Panel 2. Art teacher showing "Star Wars" kit box. Drawing of horse head on wall behind him.
/ Art teacher: However, in keeping with the artistic spirit of "using whatever hasn't been repossessed yet," I present your newest assignment... / Panel 3. Paisley and Mariah, seated, looking at box labeled "STAR WARS AT-AT WALKER"
/ Art teacher (out of frame, speech balloon continued from Panel 2): You will assemble this scale model of a Star Wars "AT-AT" walkder which i was planning to give to my probably-not-ever-born-son.
/ Paisley: DUDE. / Panel 4. Closeup on Art teacher, offering tube of glue
/ Art teacher: Now, this is an "advanced" model which requires the use of model glue. Take care not to inhale it or get used to eating applesauce through a straw. / Panel 5. Closeup on Paisley, struggling with glue tube
/ Paisley: Can't... get... cap... off... / Panel 6. Cap flies off over Paisley's head. Glue tube splashes and adheres to Paisley's nose.
|WIGU: Paisley gets weird||Panel 1. Paisley and Mariah seated in art class. / Paisley (tube of glue stuck to nose, leaning back in chair): OH GOD, THERE'S A TUBE OF MODEL GLUE STUCK TO MY FACE!!! / Panel 2. Mariah and Paisley / Mariah (holding out finger of command): Paisley, don't panic! Are you sure it's stuck? / Paisley: YES, THAT'S WHY IT'S DANGLING FROM MY FACE!! / Panel 3. Art teacher standing between Antar and Paisley, trying to regain control of the situation. / Art teacher (pointing to Antar with right finger of command): Antar, call the School nurse!! / Art teacher (pointing to Paisley with left finger of command): Paisley, try to breathe through... Well, let's find a hose for you to breathe through. / Panel 4. Closeup on Paisley, hand out to catch her balance, pupils uneven / Paisley: I'm starting to feel weeeird... / Panel 5. Closeup on Mariah, trying to calm Paisley / Mariah: Paisley, Stay with me now! The snakes are not real... / Paisley's voice in weird speech balloon: Ohhh wow / Panel 6. Closeup on Mariah holding out hand, becoming distorted / Mariah (distorted speech typeface): They're nooott reeeal, sweeetie / Panel 7. Closeup on Mariah with snakes for hair and forked tongue. / Snake: We're not real! / Tiny text: 19ROCK04. THE SNAKES AREN'T REAL BUT THEY ARE POISONOUS|
|WIGU: Pegicorn ride to the white light||Panel 1. School nurse and narrative assistance drone / Nurse: Now, what's the problem? / Drone: This chick got a tube of glue stuck to her face or somethin'. / Panel 2. Closeup on Paisley, comatose, with tube of glue stuck to her nose / Nurse's voice: My GOD... this girl needs real immediate medical assistance! / Panel 3. Winged unicorn with eyebrow ring addresses Paisley against background of blue sky and clouds. Back of Paisley's head partially visible at bottom of frame in foreground. / Pegicorn: Greetings, Paisley! I am Pegicorn, and I am here to guide you on a Vision Quest! / Panel 4. Paisley riding Pegicorn through the clouds. Pegicorn has Anarchy brand on right flank. / Paisley: Where are we going? Why do I need another vision quest? / Pegicorn: The answers will be found at our destination, where the rainbow meets the waterfall! / Panel 4. Closeup on Paisley / Paisley (thought baloon): Wait a minute... I thought Pegasus Unicorns spoke Dolphinese... / Tiny text: 20ROCK04. DO PEGASUS UNICORNS DREAM OF DOLPHIN SHEEP?|
|WIGU: Paisley as a GOD groupie||Panel 1. Paisley riding Pegicorn through clouds. I just noticed that her dream clothing is long purple slacks instead of the purple miniskirt and fishnets she had on when she got glued. / Paisley: Pegicorn, this doesn't make any sense! Girls like me dream about riding Pegasus Unicorns, but we don't actually get to do it! / Panel 2. Closeup on Pegicorn's face, with Paisley in background / Pegicorn: You are a very special young lady, Paisley. You will soon know why. / Panel 3. Front shot of Paisley riding Pegicorn. Winged brontosaurus sailing in a wok in distance. / Paisley: Why can't you be straightforward? Why do vision quests have to be so enigmatic and... is that a dinosaur? / Pegicorn: Patience! / Panel 4. Back shot of Paisley riding Pegicorn toward golden castle. / Paisley: What's that building? Are we going in there? / Pegicorn: Paisley, I hope you are prepared to meeet the Maker of All Things! / Panel 5. Closeup on David Bowie. Partial view of back of Paisley's head and Pegicorn in bottom foreground. / David Bowie: Hallo, Paisley... I am David Bowie, A.K.A. GOD. / Paisley: I knew it! / Tiny text: 21ROCK04. EVERYBODY WAS WRONG|
|WIGU: Paisley meets her father||Panel 1. Paisley looking thoughtful, oversized David Bowie looking down at her / Paisley: David Bowie, I'm honored but I'm even more confused. / David Bowie: WOULD IT HELP IF I WAS NORMAL-SIZED? / Paisley: Maybe. / Panel 2. Normal sized David Bowie with his arm around Paisley / David Bowie: Paisley, you know how some people believe the Son of God will return to Earth to bring Armageddon? / Paisley: ... yeah? / Panel 3. Front view of David Bowie, Paisley looking up and back at him. / David Bowie: Well, let's just say they got the gender wrong. We like to practice gender equality around here. / Paisley: You mean... / David Bowie: it's you, Paisley. You're my only begotten Daughter. / Paisley: You mean... / Panel 4. Closeup on Paisley with cloudscape and castle in background / Paisley: My mom did it with you, God, David Bowie? / Panel 6. David Bowie waving as Paisley walks away quizzically / David Bowie: We prefer to do things a bit more immaculateley around here. Now, be gone! You've many heathens to convert before the real party starts! / Paisley: ... Okay. / Panel 7. Flashback to Young Quincy and Young Romy in disco. / Panel title: 16 YEARS EARLIER / Young Quincy (big fluffy hair, handlebar moustache, gold necklace): Baby, I thought you said you was on birth control. / Young Romy (Long black hair, looking at pregnancy test): I am!! / Quincy (thought balloon): She's cheatin' on me... / Tiny text: 22ROCK04. QUINCY WAS CUCKOLD'D BY JEHOVAH|
|WIGU: Paisley is the daughter of God||School Nurse: Paisley, wake up! Can you hear me? Wake up! / Paisley: I am the alpha and the omega / Mariah: Paisley, where are you going? You need to sit and relax. / Paisley: I'm the daughter of God, Mariah. I've got to get to work right now. / Mariah: Paisley, you've been knocked out for the past 15 minutes. I bet you're probably kind of insane. / Paisley: Mariah, I met God. And He's David Bowie. / Mariah: I always thought God was a vampire. / What if God was one of us|
|WIGU: Waterslides and Ponies||Stupidetta: I can't believe we got kicked out of school. Everything is over. / Wigu: It's all my fault, Stupidetta. But we'll figure out something. / Janitor Darrel: You kids can come n' live With Me if YOu want to. I got alla the Muppet Shows on tape n' a big ol' TV. / Stupidetta: We might as well live with Janitor Darrel. My trust fund is history. / Wigu: Fear not! For the answers lie just beyond the distance! / Janitor Darrel: I am for reaL. I ain't got no bills t' speaK of. I just dO janitorin' cause I get Lonesome n' I like ya'll chiLDurn better than I like growed-ups. / Janitor Darrel: I imagine the publiC eye would not gaze at such a style of livin' reaL foundly, though. I best get home to tend to th' ponies n' waterSlides. / Stupidetta: Ponies?! / Wigu: Waterslides?! / Janitor Darrel: Them ponies ain't as good at waterSLidin' as they think they is. / The ponies don't get physically hurt, but some of them get anxiety about heights.|
|WIGU: My other hovercraft is a Mercedes||Leaving cingular elementary / Janitor Darrel: Come on dhildurn, we're Outcasts now. The ol' schooL don't got no use for us no more. / Principle Bootsey: Ugh. I can't get ahold of those kids' parents... Maybe expulsion was a little too severe... / Principle Bootsey: Hey, Kids, I decided... kids? / Wigu: I can't believe you've got a hovercraft, Janitor Darrel! / Janitor Darrel: You got to have a hovercraft out where I live at. / Janitor Darrel: This here ain't my regular hovercraft. My regular one is getting a swimmin' pooL put in it. / Stupidetta: My dad is a millionaire and he doesn't have a hovercraft. / Wigu: Your dad is lame. / Hovercrafts will be the next SUVs.|
|WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET||Title: Wigu: Lifestyles of the Custodial and Eccentric / Panel 1. Wigu and Betty Lou Thelma Liz, astonished / Wigu: OH MY GOD. / Betty Lou Thelma Liz: Janitor Darrel, you live here? / Panel 2. Janitor Darrel, walking from hovercraft / Janitor Darrel: Uh-huh this here is where I live at durin' th' School Year. / Panel 3. Panorama of Janitor Darrel's estate: Huge dome house with six picture windows on this side, path to rivere with pier and yacht, waterslide in background with pony. Tiny view of Wigu, Betty Lou Thelma Liz, and Janitor Darrel at front door. / Janitor Darrel: HolD on a second I gotta turn the dang robots off attackin' mode. / Panel 4. Wigu entering house behind Janitor Darrel, meeting robot. / Wigu: OH MY GOD, you have robots? / Janitor Darrel: Cleanin robuts n' security robuts. Excuse me please I got to change out of these crummy janitor clothes. / Robot: Shall I prepare snacks, my lord? / Janitor Darrel: Go ahead, coOkin' robut. / Panel 5. Betty Lou Thelma Liz in huge comfy chair, next to Wigu and robot / Betty Lou Thelma Liz: This is all giving me the creeps. Where did Janitor Darrel get all this money? / Robot: What is your name? / Wigu: Wigu! / Robot: That = awesome. / Panel 6. Janitor Darrel in control center watching array of closed circuit screens. One screen shows pony stuck on water slide. Another shows Betty Lou Thelma Liz and Wigu. No dialogue. / Tiny text: 28ROCK04. BUT-WIPIN' ROBUT, TOENAIL CLIPPIN' ROBUT|
|WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET||Transcriber's title: Wigu: Janitor Darrel's megabucks from heaven--in pennies / Panel 1. Janitor Darrel in casual clothes and cooking robot (wearing toque and carrying hors d'oeuvres) facing Betty Lou Thelma Liz, Wigu behind her / Janitor Darrel: AlL right are you youngins ready to tend to th' ponies, I seen one stuck on the waterSLide. / Betty Lou Thelma Liz (looking suspicious): We're not going anywhere until you tell us where you got all your money. / Wigu (getting riled): Don't you ruin this, Stupidetta. / Panel 2. Closeup on Janitor Darrel / Janitor Darrel: Well I wOuld tell you but I been told to nEver speak of it ever. / Panel 3. Closeup on Betty Lou Thelma Liz, Wigu beside her. / Betty Lou Thelma Liz: You knonw I could call the police and tell them you are kidnapping us. / Panel 4. Flashback to young Darrel and lady friend frolickin' in a field, as a satellite plunges from the sky. / Voice of (old) Janitor Darrel, narrating: Years ago I had me a lady friend. One day we was frolickin' in an old field an' suddenly a Satellite come tumblin' down from the heavens. / Panel 5. Flash forward to Janitor Darrel talking to Wigu (amazed) and Betty Lou Thelma Liz (hugging him in compassion) / Janitor Darrel: It jacked me up somehtin' awful but it SMOOShed my lady friend like a dang flApjack. Then some guv'mint fellers give me a big old sack of loot and Said don't tell nobody abOut nothin! / Tiny text: 29ROCK04. JANITOR DARREL HAS BAD LUCK WITH THE LADIES|
|WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET||Wow, Janitor Darrel! That's your TV? / Yeah that's the little 'un, th' big un's up in the recreation wing. / All of humanity is warned to be on the lookout for driverless cars tonight -- Channel 17 has confirmed that the rapture has begun! / Paisley Tinkle, a student at Time Warner High School, has been identified as the physical manifestation of the Second Coming of the Lord. Armageddon is expected to begin in days. / That's my sister! We've got to see what the heck is going on! / In other news, authorities are searching for a local elementary school janitor who is accused of kidnapping two local children.|
|WIGU:FIRING SQUAD||WelCome to FIRING SQUAD! I'm ZACK ASSBACK with my Co-host, GORDY JAYPOPPER!! / Hello. / Today's topic--PAISLEY TINKLE!! DAUGHTER of GOD or DERANGED TEEN?!! / I say REPENT NOW! We've all seen the warning signs and GOD IS FINALLY CASHING IN HIS CHIPS!! GORDY?!! / Zack, this girl has suffered massive neurological damage. / We're going to an EXPERT now, REV. ENGLEBERT GOB-- / REVEREND, do YOU think this BONA-FIDE MIRACLE can be attributed to so-called "nerological damage"? / Uh, well, Zah, religion doesn't need "evidence." You've just got to believe that the Bible is 100% true facts. / In the studio is Dr. NANCY hOEGAARDEN!! What say YOU, gooddoctor?!! / I think you need to relax, Zack. Your blood pressure must be dangerously high. / Swing lo, sweet chariot! I'm havin' CHEST PAINS!|
|WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET||Paisley, when is Armageddon gonna start? / Can you make my boobs bigger? / Can you make mine smaller? / All in time, children. / Paisley, what the hell are you doing? / I'm the daughter of God, Mariah. / I've got to save a bunch of souls... / or something... / I think I only thought I was the Daughter of God because I sniffed all that model glue. / I have no idea what I'm doing. / That's good news! / Ms. Tinkle, the Pope is here to see you. / Is the Pope Catholic? / Does a bear crap in the woods? / 04NOV04. WHAT IF THERE WAS A BEAR IN THE VATICAN|
|WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET||MEET THE MESSIAH! $15.00 / I am the Pooooope! / I am here to see the Messiiiaaah... / Um, I don't see you on the list... / I am the Poooope you have to do what I saaaay... / Oh, I am so sorry! / I thought you said something else. / Please go in, your majesty. / Wh- wh- wh- what can I do for you, your worshipfulness? / I vant to suck your blood! / Just kidding, Paisley! / We aren't the Pope! / The Pope is not a vampire! / OW. / 05NOV04. THE POPE IS NOT FRANKENSTEIN.|
|WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET||it was a "bring your own pitchforks and torches" kind of deal|
|WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET||Hang on children, we got to do some fancy manuverin' to evade that angry mob / How are we gonna outrun them? / This hovercraft is too slow! / Alls we got to do is find some water! / Janitor Darrel, the city reservoir is right behind that landfill!! / HOORAY!! / Put on yer life jackets childurn, the rubber skirt is getting' ate up by the drinkin' water / 09NOV04. THE RESERVOIR WAS PUT BESIDE THE LANDFILL BECAUSE EVERYBODY VOTED FOR IT|
|WIGU: precariously treading water||Childurn I ain't got no life perservurs. If anybody cain't swim grab hold of me. / The water is burning! / DEAD FISH!! / MEANWHILE IN BUTTER DIMENSION QUAD... / Topato, has the situation on Earth yet reached a level that you feel necessitates Springing into Action? / Please brief me on these events, Sheriff Pony. I am a very busy warrior. / After eluding an angry mob, Wigu Tinkle, his sister, and their friends are precariously treading a very toxic body of water! / GREAT OBLONG MOONS OF THE SASQUATCH GALAXY! / Have I previously expressed my negative feelings regarding interdimensional travel? / On numerous occasions! And yet your bellyaching still retains its original unpleasantness! / (10NOV2004. THE SASQUATCH GALAXY IS POPULATED ENTIRELY BY LOCH NESS MONSTERS AND LEPRECHAUNS)|
|WIGU: Magical Babies from Space||Something feels very wrong, Topato! / You must own the Storm! The Storm does not own you! / *WHUMP* / Something indeed felt odd about that interdimensional journey... / We have become BABIES! / The corporeality catapults must have been incorrectly calibrated, resulting in the reduction of our ripeness! / Topato, we still have to rescue our human friends! / I am experiencing inexplicable sensations of fear and hypersensitivity! / I have lost voluntary control of making doodies. / (11NOV04. HAPPY ONE ONE ONE DAY!)|
|WIGU: The most disgusting thing in the whole world||This water is like swimming in bleach! / We're going to drown to death! / What are we going to do, Topato? / Since we have been reduced to infantile form, our powers have been reduced proportionally. / We have to utilize the power of our wits to find a solution to this problem! / Topato, we may be able to combine our elemental powers and evaporate all the water from the reservoir! / Spring into ACTION!! / Oh my God! This is the most disgusting thing in the whole world! / Childurn, don't look now but I think the Markham-Ferry Reservoir Project Monster is real! / (12NOV04. CONSTRUCTION ON THE MARKHAM-FERRY DAM WAS COMPLETED IN APRIL 1964 AT JUST UNDER $40M)|
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