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WIGU: Mud monster aaaaaaggggguuuuuuurrrrr / Paisley, this mud is too thick! The reservoir monster is gonna eat me! / Wigu! / Sheriff Pony, even though we now exist as infants, we must find a way to brutally annihilate that beast and save our friends! / I am scared of monsters! / I am scared of everything! Topato, I only desire warm milk and a nap! / You must confront your basal urges and beat them until they are comatose! You are a warrior. Operate as one. / Topato, I can not! My desire to return to the womb is more powerful than any foe we have ever humiliated! / Then I will operate as an army of one. / Loathsome beast, if you choose to surrender, I will render you unrecognizable. Imagine what will happen if you do not. / (15NOV04. THE MUD MONSTER IS GONNA GET YOU)
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20041115.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET You may think you have a marginal size advantage, you savage beast who is incapable of rehabilitation, but know this: Topato Potato once bested a SENTIENT BLUE GIANT STAR in a no-holds-barred street fight! / Topato! / What are you doing here? / Why are you a little naked baby? / Wigu, who are you talking to? / Wigu, I am here to rescue you! / You must pretend you can not see me, or else everyone will think you are totally insane! / I hope the last meal you had was enjoyable, as it was your final meal!! / 16NOV04. YOU ALWAYS LIKE HOT DOGS UNTIL YOU FIND OUT HOW THEY MAKE HOT DOGS.
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Oh my god that is disgusting. / Well I'll be durned that monster's head blowed up like a atom bomb. / Ain't that somethin'. / Wigu, are you okay? / Why are you just sitting there staring? / The boy is in shock. / A beheadin' is a thing that nobody ought to look at, 'specially a young child. / Childurn, let's get the vamoose out of here and put all these nightmare in the past. / Wait, wasn't Mariah with us? / Where's Mariah? / 17NOV04. IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY HARD TO MAKE SOMETHING THIS GROSS
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET ...affirmative, I do understand as long as you understand that as a consequence of this complication, you will be beaten to an extent that you will be considered unrecognizable by recognition scientists. / When can we go home, Topato? / Unfortunately, the malfunction that caused us to become infants must be repaired before we can return to our homeworld. / If we attempt interdimensional travel at this time, will we revert to a pre-birth state. / How long is it going to take them to repair it? / A schedule was not readily available. / Suffice it to say, we have been dealt an abundance of space lemons and must now construct a delightful space lemon custard! / Topato, I do not enjoy the taste of custard! / Baby Sheriff Pony, custard is the only thing on this backward planet that is even remotely classifiable as delightful. / These humans do not even realize they are living in a state of perpetual torture. / 18NOV04. WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU SPACE LEMONS STACK UP THE SPACE LEMONS SO YOU CAN CLIMB OVER THE PRISON WALL
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Baby Topato, can we just hide until they fix the twansporter? / Earth if full of terrible creatures who hurt each other for fun! / Baby Sheriff Pony, we are adventurers. / We must adventure. / It is who we are. / What do humans do that qualifies as adventure, Baby Sheriff Pony? / Human beings participate in a variety of activities to distract them from their mortal realities. / The Shoddy Construction of their bodies and the inability of their primitive minds to fully comprehend even a tiny fragment of universal reality make adventure a necessity for human beings, although they typically prefer vicarious adventure. / What do you consider is our primary motive for adventure, Baby Sheriff Pony? / We enjoy it ecstatically! / 22NOV04. TIS ONE GOES OUT TO EVERYBODY WHO'S LIMPIN' AROUND RIGHT NOW
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WIGU: The Search Continues This evening, the search continues to continue to search for an Elementary School Janitor, two children, and a teenage girl who falsely claimed to be the "Daugther of God." / I hope Dad is cool with us all being refugees. / Well if he ain't ya'll can come live with me at my vineyard in Italy. / Dad is cool with everything. / Kids! And Janitor! I've been listenin' to the police scanner for housr! / We got to get y'all out of the public eye! / Now I burned you kids' birth certificates and replaced them with dead kids. All we gotta do now is get prints off some old homeless folks and we're home free! / Have you been planning this? / Quincy has already dug up a half dozen corpses for this.
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Here's the deal, kids. / I've got three fake passports and a suitcase full of money. / We're gonna solve our problems by running away from them. / Daddy, isn't that wrong? / Yeah! / Daddy, we need to face our problems instead of running off to Mexico or what you've got planned. / Costa Rica. / Kids, there's an angry mob of religious fanatics after you. / There's no way to reason with them. / Running away is the only option. / Sir, there is a angry mob on the front lawn that is numberin' in the hunnerds. / On my lawn? / Well, at least they all think they're going to heaven. / It is so on. / 24NOV04. QUINCY'S BEEN WAITIN' FOR AN ANGRY MOB TO SHOW UP ON HIS LAWN FOR AN AWFULLY LONG TIME.
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WIGU: False Prophet TORCHING! Baby Topato, our quest for adventure is fruitless. Let us hide until we can return to our homeworld. / Perhaps thos ebelligerent, torch wielding humans can lead us to adventure, Baby Sheriff Pony! / Rargh! / Topato, I recall from my research on human behavior that torch-wielding is usually a symbol of oncoming unpleasantness! / You performed research?! / I always knew you were a nerd, but I never knew you were a hyper-turbo ultranerd! / Cease your mocking at once! I will not hesitate to report your misbehavior! / Upon quick reconsideration, I suggest you follow those humans to your doom! / I humbly accept your invitation! In the unlikely event my doom does occur, you will be required to cope with the full burden of resopnsibility! / BURN THE FALSE PROPHET! / Happy I'm not even 100% sure what Thanksgiving is for anymore
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Fascinating! / I seem to have stumbled upon some sort of lynch mob! / Let's kill 'em! / Let's burn 'em! / Let's burn 'em a little then kill 'em! / What an excellent opportunity to observe human behavior in its purest form! / Wait a moment! / The mob's target is inside the home of the Tinkle family! / I am torn between my scientific curiosity and my protective duty! / Ooh! / Perhaps I will be able to eschew my duties momentarily! / 29NOV04. HUMAN BEINGS DEFAULT TO FIGHTING MODE
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WIGU: Lord Topato Quincy: I spy a torch-wieldin' mob that's about to have a few hundred, new unintended orafices! / Paisley: Daddy, let me address the belligerent mob. / Paisley: Enraged religious fanatics, I am not the Daughter of God as you were led to believe by mainstream media. I am -- what is that?! / Topato(thinking): Oh drat! My infantile state has neutralized my invisibility shield! / Mob #1: IT IS THE LORD / Mob #2: HE IS WEE AND GOLDEN / Mob #3: He come to save us. / Mob #4: He come to save our souls. / Topato: Well, now that you meantion it, I do have experience in plucking civilizations from disaster's brink! / Mob #1: THE LORD HAS CHOSE ME! / Happy Birthday Mom even though she'll never see this.
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WIGU: Who needs pants? Channel 17 News: Earlier today, this station reported the Apocalypse had begun, and encouraged panic due to the imminent millennia of unimaginably diabolical suffering. / Channel 17 News: We were hoax'd. / Channel 17 News: The hoax seems to be part of a viral marketing scheme started by TopatoCo, which produces the popular cartoon "Magical Adventures in Space." / Channel 17 News: The discovery was made after an Apocalypse mob who claimed to have met the Lord described Him as a "tiny, mouthy, yellow blob," a description which fits the series' caped, potato superhero to a tee. / Channel 17 News: TopatoCo CEO Jeffrey Rowland has angrily denied any involvement in the hoax. / Channel 17 News: The whereabouts of Topta and the mob are unkown, but citizens are advised to run away from them if spotted. / Topato: Baby Sheriff Pony, look what I found! / It is best to assume TV news people aren't wearing pants.
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WIGU: Elvis has left the building Sheriff Pony: Topato, are your logic glands disabled?! We are not supposed to interact with humans! / Topato: Relax, Sheriff Pony! These humans believe I am their sacred deity! / Follower #1: What is your bidding, Lord? / Topato: Maintain closure of your vocal orafices until I issue detailed instructions! / Sheriff Pony: Topato, I believe you are ignoring the Rule of the Universe. / Topato: "What happens in the Universe stays in the Universe," I am aware of this rule. Let us enjoy the subservience of our erstwhile slaves for the remainder of our visit. / Sheriff Pony: Huzzah! Our visit is finally copmlete! The transporters are repaired! / Topato: Magnificent! Allow me to impart one final piece of wisdom to my followers! / Topato: The true God of humans is a multi-tentacled monster who lives in the core of your wretched planet. / Sheriff Pony: Topato, no! / What happens in the van stays in the van. / Have a good birthday Space Danny.
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET What a relief it is to come home from work to a house that's not engulfed in flames. / How much of my dignity do I have to sacrifice to get a drink around here? / Baby I can explain everything! / Honey, I haven't even accused you of anything yet. / Let me relax for a few minutes, first. / Come to momma, Cosmo. / You'll never make me furious about something I don't even know about yet. / Mister Tinkle I got most of the Play-Doh out of the tawlet. / That was just a plumber, right Cosmo? / That wasn't anything intensely bizarre! / No one will mind if you don't show up for work tomorrow! / 03DEC04. BOOZE MAKES YOU DO BAD THINGS, LIKE MAKE A SANDWICH WITH ONLY CHEESE, MUSTARD, RELISH, AND BREAD
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(Wigu) 06DEC04 Man you guys, that was a pretty crazy day, wasn't it? / I thought we were gonna die about 50 times. / Well childurn I ought to vamoose on account of I am still wanted on suspicion of kidnappin'. / Smell you later, Janitor Darrell! / Thanks for helping us not get killed! / What is you guys, loco? I go away for a afternoon and y'all be kickin' wit dat nappy Janitor?! / Hugo?! What are you doing here? / Yeah, Hugo! I thought you had gone away forever! / What are you talkin' about? / You be trippin'! / The H-Dogg is here to stay, he won't never go away. / You did! You said you were going away forever! / Shut up yo.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20041206.html
(Wigu) 07DEC04 Do you gotta go home, Stupidetta? / Well, my Dad's in Mexico on business and my nanny isn't very good. / Two boys an' a girl is a PARTY!! / Let's play "Sheriff Pony's Black Hole Challenge" with three players! / Here, we need to plug in these X-Boy Advances into the back of the Cubebox 2. / Why can't we play it with regular paddles? / Why can't we just play "Clue?" / I have "clue" for the Dreampro Gamestation but I don't have the steering wheel for it. / Why do you need a steering wheel to play "Clue?" / It's "NASCAR Clue Cup Underground 3" where you have to figure out how NASCAR drivers get killed.
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Sheriff Pony's Black Hole Challenge / Select Character / Okay, I get to be Topato so I can show you guys how to do it. / That rude, Wigu! / You supposed to let yo' guests choose! / Is this game scary? / Dangit, it's not scary. / Now I have to be Topato so I can show you how to do the survival combos. / Wigu, why you trippin'? / Let's just play the damn game. / Why don't you stop cussing, Hugo? / Why don't you both shut up so I can show you how to get throught the first Black Hole using special survival combos so you can make dark matter pudding. / 08DEC04. TOPATO AND SHERIFF PONY HAVE A COOKING SHOW WHERE THEY COOK THINGS THEY FIND IN SPACE
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET LEVEL ONE / GRAVITATIONAL PRINICIPLES AND MATHEMATICS / *screenshot of video game* / Yo, this game ain't no fun! This be all like air traffic controllin'! / You're not doing it right, Hugo. It's fun if you do it right. / You got any games about rippin' dudes spines out? / Where is my guy? Did she fall off the screen? / Or a game where you be stealin' a school bus and bustin' caps in five-o, dat's what I'm talkin about. / Hugo, those kinds of games make people do violence in real life. / I'm going to write another letter to Santa asking for a cure for retardedness because my FRIENDS ARE RETARDED!
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET What is all this hollering? I can't even hear myself slowly decay. / Yo, Wigu started freakin' out on us just 'cause we don't want to play his boring-ass video game. / Wigu, is what I think that boy said true? / It's frustrating being the only genius, Paisley. / Kid, you think you is a genius 'cause you good at "Sheriff Pony's Black Hole Challenge?" / Yo, I beat dat thing in two hours on hyper extreme mode. / But the warning on the game box says it takes a genius to win... / Wigu, you might have to accept the fact that you're both geniuses. / Welcome to the Secret Genius Smart Kid Club. / NOOO!
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(Wigu) 14DEC04 Baby, you know you wanna take your old lady out for a good time! / I got a better idea! / Let's take all the kids to Bigfoot's Pizza!! / But I want to go someplace romantic, baby! / They got a bathroom at Bigfoot's, don't they? / Let's go to Olive Garden! / Baby, you know they won't let us back in the Olive Garden. / But they dropped the charges! / That don't mean we get extra bread-sticks. / Romy, do you want me to build you a set of monkey bars? / I'd rather have a mechanical bull.
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Hey kids, who wants to go to Bigfoot's Pizza? / Hells yeah! / Me! Me! / Yo, this be like my wildest dreams is comin' true! I never believed I would get to eat at Bigfoot's! / What's Bigfoot's Pizza? / You're both abused children! / Check it, Bigfoot's be the most ultimate restaurant. They got caves and slides and everything be about Bigfoots and Loch Ness Monsterses and UFOs! / Ooh! / Daddy, is it cool if I go too? / Paisley, the last time you went to Bigfoot's you didn't talk to anyone for a month! / Only be experiencing a thing so unpleasant can I hope to atone for my sins. / Also, I heard they were hiring alien girls
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(Wigu) 16DEC04 Is everybody ready! / YEAH! / We're off to Bigfoot's Pizza!! / Quincy, this is the calmest day we've had in a week! / No doubt, baby! We didn't even have to go to the hospital! / MEANWHILE... / Damn cops... I ain't goin' back to jail... No way no day... / I ain't stoppin' for no damn sign, either.
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(Wigu) 17DEC04 High speed pursuit! / Holy high-speed pursuit! / You kids sit down and put on your seat belts. That fool dang near T-boned us. / Here we are. Bigfoot's pizza. / Yo, this feel like that scene off "Kill Bill!" / I can't believe I forgot my sword again. / You're slippin', Quincy.
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Oh my heavenly god. / Bigfoot's Pizzaq is the best there is! / They got pizza, too! / Three different kinds! / Here's $20, Wigu. / Your Mom and I are going to the adults' section. / Quincy, there's not an "adults section" in Bigfoot's Pizza. / It's a secret, baby! / It's through this door! / Oh, Quincy! / It's a titty bar! / It's just like old times, baby. / So, what kind of last name is "Tinkle" anyway? / It's from Atlantis. / My family is from Atlantis. / 20DEC04. QUINCY AND ROMY MET IN A GENTLEMEN'S CLUB
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET What can I get you kids to drink? / Oh my god it's a alien!! / How much pizza can we buy for this much money and still ahve enough left over to play video games for several hours? / Well, our cheapest pizza is $25 and our cheapest video game costs $5 and lasts about seven minutes, so... none. / Wigu, we got to get more cash from your pops, yo! / Wigu, I'm hungry! / Alien waiter, we need to talk to my dad in the adult section. / Bigfoot's Pizza does not have an adult section! / Meanwhile... / Them things are so fake... / I got a three dollar bill here for Silicone Sally! / 21DEC04. THIS ONE GOES OUT TO CASA BONITA IN TULSA, OK
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WIGU:PUPPY GUTS Now we ain't got enough cash to eat 'cause of your deadbeat dad, Wigu! / We're hungry! / Relax, guys! I am working on a solution! / We just have to solve the mystery of where my mom and dad went to. / Paisly, did you see where mom and dad ran off to? / I saw them go toward the kitchen. / Wigu, only employees are supposed to go in the kitchen! / Just be quiet and use stealth actions. The secret adults section is around here somewhere. / Dammit, why does everything got to be so hard? Why can't life be easy just one time? / Oh my God! / Guys, I think we should go to a differnt restaurant. / PUPPY GUTS / PUPPIES FROM FRANCE / PUPPIES
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WIGU: Cheese it! ..to the showbar. Bigfoot's pizza be made out of that? / I'm gonna be sick. / Now we have to find my parents and tell the cops! / Hey, you kids! / Cheese it! / Let's go out that door! / SHOWBAR / Hey, you kids! There's a five dollar cover! / We're bein' chased by puppy murderers! / NO GUNS / Why don't those ladies have shirts on? / I'm not supposed to see this 'til I'm 13! / M...mom?
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Wigu, what are you doing here? / This is an adult place! / Hugo, I was gonna tell you about this when you got older... / Dad, Bigfoot's Pizza uses puppies to make pizza! / Looks like the cat's out of the bag... / Or the puppies, rather. / See, we Bigfoots learned long ago that puppies are the world's most delicious animal. / It is a secret we've kept for generations. / And it's a secret I intend to keep. / HIT THE DECK!! / You son of a bitch. / MEANWHILE... / This pizza tastes... cute? / 25DEC04. BIGFOOT WITH AN UZI IS LIKE A SHARK STAPLED TO A LION
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WIGU: Does Bigfoot taste like dog-monkey? I strongly advise against heroics, old man. I simply want you all to sign a confidentiality agreement. / No overgrown dog-monkey pulls an uzi on my family in the middle of a strip joint and get's away with it. / Settle down, old man, or else I will shoot you with my gun, many, many times. / and NOBODY calls me "OLD MAN"! / *FIGHTING* / I'm thinking about starting my own resaurant called "puppies' Pizza" where all we serve is bigfoots.
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Local restaurateur and mythological beast Bigfoot was arrested tonight on suspicion of serving puppy meat in his restaurant. / Three local children reportedly made the discovery in the kitchen of "Bigfoot's Pizza" and alerted their parents in a nearby... "gentleman's club." / Moments after his arrest, Bigfoot held a press conference where he claimed puppies are "extremely delicious" and that, like cattle, pigs, and other livestock, they do not possess souls, nor do they feel pain. / Uhhhhh... / Uhh... / Shallow Brook's new mayor said he will present the children with the key to the city, as soon as he can remember what he did with it. / I quit. / Call me when we start doing normal news stories about horrific tragedies that serve only to instill a sense of panic and desperation. / 27DECO4. THE PAIN & DESPERATION CHANNEL, A SUBSIDIARY OF FOX NEWS
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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Hugo, do you need a ride home? / Nah, dogg. / I'm goin' to my Mom's house. / Keep it real, a'ight? / I will keep it super real! / Stupidetta, do you need a ride home? / My dad can take you. / That would be nice, Wigu. / Wow, that was about the craziest day I ever had! / I sure hope tomorrow will be normal, don't you, Wigu? / I don't even know what a normal day is anymore! / Normal is weird! / Well, here's my house, Wigu. / I guess I'll see you tomorrow. / Okay! / Wigu,you sure were brave today. / You've gotta be the bravest boy in the world! / Aw, heck, I was just- / Mwah. / 28DEC04. I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE FIRST GIRL I KISSED BUT I REMEMBER THE LAST ONE
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