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WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Dangit, I been bangin' on these internet keys for an hour and I can't find out nothin' about this "TopatoCo" company. / Baby I been lookin' all over the Internet and I cain't find nothin' about TopatoCo. / Did you Google it? / Did I what? / ...so you just type whatever you want to know about in that little box and Google will tell you where to learn more about it! / REAL ITCHY BUTT
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050524.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET The Tinkle family has used a technology called "Google" to discover sensitive secrets about our covert Earth company. / What have they learned, Topato? / They have uncovered the identity of TopatoCo's figurehead president and are planning to visit him. / Jeffrey Rowland? This is truly the sum of our fears. / What are we going to do, Topato? / If we intend to prolong the existence of Butter Dimension, we must eliminate the Tinkle family. / I will not murder an innocent human family. / Nor will I, Sheriff Pony. That gruesome duty will be delegated to TopatoCo's president. / Jeffrey, your boss is on the phone. / Boss? / Y'know, that mysterious bloke that sends you money every month to pr'tend t'be president of a company but never asks you t'do nothing'. / But I thought he'd just give me money forever and never try to contact me! / You best speak to him, Jeffrey. He sounds pissed. / H-h-h-hello? / Greetings, Mr. Rowland! Are you in any way opposed to performing the act of murder? / Do what now? / Homicide, Mr. Rowland. Manslaughter, a "187." Follow my instructions carefully if you wish to continue our arrangement. / What if I say "no"? / We will trigger an implant within your body releasing thousands of flesh-eating slugs. You will die only after 50 years of intense agony. / I was just askin'.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050525.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Baby, the more I learn about this "TopatoCo," the more I hate 'em!! / Quiet, hon. I'm talking to that girl from the news, the "Furious Consumer." / I feel the same way Mrs. Tinkle. We've been wanting to do a piece on them for months but it's impossible to get any legitimate dirt on them. / You half-wit! My husband just found all kinds of dirt and he just barely finished high school! / A G.E.D. is good enough for me! / Well then why doesn't your husband get his own TV Station and make his own TV News show that has a segment about businesses that are ripping people off! / Maybe he will! / QUINCY HAS A VAN, A MINI DV CAM, AND NO SENSE OF JOURNALISM ETHICS. HE IS ALREADY HALFWAY THERE.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050526.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Check this out, Romy! TopatoCo's headquarters is right here in Oklahoma! / Maybe we should pay them a visit! / Mom, I have a bad feeling about this. I think TopatoCo is dangerous! / Don't worry, Wigu! It's only a company!... / TopatoCo Headquarters / ...they're professional adults! They're not dangerous! / Are you sure this is the right way, Quincy? The map says it's close to a lake. / Baby, a puddle of pee is considered a lake in Oklahoma. / Weedmaster P, will you assassinate the family for me? / What's in it for me Jeffrey this ain't pro bono / Um...a jet ski! / Jeffrey you ehn't got a jet ski / I'd rather steal a jet ski than kill a family. / Moments Later... / Are you sure about this, P? / Once a man commits to killin' he can't turn back / All right. Here's a photo of the family. / Jeffrey, somebody's at the door! / Hello? Is this Topatoco? I want to talk to the president!
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050527.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Baby this crazy little dopehead won't even give me my own sword! / You little turd! You better stop trying to stab my husband with a sword! / Topato, your assassin seems to be having great difficulty in executing his task. / Bollocks! If it is your wish to perform a task successfully you must perform it yourself. / I wish we could find a way to exist that did not require such a copious amount of violence. / Is that the soft, cowardly whimper of a terrified infant I hear faintly in the distance? / SOMEBODY GET THIS CRAZY HO OFFA ME / Clothesline! / Jeffery, since this is probably all your fault do something! / Yes! That! Do something with that!
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050530.html
 
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET PANEL 1: / SHERIFF PONY: I feel awful, Topato. All I have ever wanted was to bring happiness to human children, but now our mission is to end a child's life. / PANEL 2: / TOPATO: Sheriff Pony, by destroying this one life we will ensure years of glee for millions of other children. The logic is mind-bogglingly elementary. / PANEL 3: / SHERIFF PONY: Have you considered any potential cosmic ramifications which may result from this action? No beings from different dimensions have ever murdered one another-- / TOPATO: Indeed I have not. / PANEL 4: / TOPATO: I do not consider paranoid theories to be worthy of my consideration. / SHERIFF PONY: I will prepare a contingency plan. / PANEL 5: / WEEDMASTER P: DAMMIT HOLD STILL / QUINCY: Hoof! / PANEL 6: / THWACK / PANEL 7: / Catch. / PANEL 8: / J-RO: [off-panel] No! / PANEL 9: / J-RO: Don't you hurt my friend, Quincy Tinkle. / QUINCY: You... how do you know my name? / PANEL 10: / J-RO: I'm Jeffrey Rowland. I been ordered to kill you and your family but I'm having an ethical dilemma about it. / QUINCY: You're the president of TopatoCo? / PANEL 11: / TOPATO: [in a suit] Soon to be former president if he continues to disobey orders! / J-RO: What are you gonna do? Fire me? / TOPATO: [still in a suit] Yes. That is what I said.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050531.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Jeffrey Rowland, it is your duty as TopatoCo's C.E.O. to exterminate this human and his family. PERFORM YOUR DUTY. / I can't kill somebody I ain't mad at! / You! You're that potato critter from Wigu's TV cartoons! / Correct, Father Tinkle, but it is your own foolish curiosity that is to blame for your demise. / You two know each other? / Yeah...you could say we got a little history... / Topato, you are made of poison! Just touch him and get this over with! / My poison is ineffective in this boorish dimension. I must use this crude, projectile-firing device. / You get away from him, Topato! / Silence, Jeffrey. Remain still and silent and ineffective as you always are. / No... / Father Tinkle, you may feel a slight sting as the bullet penetrates your skull. / QUINCY, NO!! / Baby I love you. / HOLY CRAP DUDE / Am I dead? Is this Heaven or Hell? / You're alive, man.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050601.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Is he okay? / Topato is dead. / And that makes me unemployed. / Jeffrey, you saved my life. How can I ever get you back? / Are you perchance an employer? / GUYS WHAT IS THIS / WHAT THE HELL IS IT SCIENCE DOG IT MAKES ME FEEL CRAPPY / Oh, dear...it appears to be nothing. / That don't sound too bad! / You misunderstand, Mr. Rowland. By "nothing" I mean it is the absolute lack of anything at all. It is a sure sign that this universe is crumbling. / Okay, that sounds pretty bad. / So the universe is ending because I shot Topato? / When Topato died his life-energy returned to our dimension, causing a cosmic imbalance. This is very bad. / Fortunately I have a plan to extend our existences for a period of time- / What about our kids? / They have already been negated. / We must hurry. / It's an infinite space limo!
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050602.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Sherrif Pony, what is going on? Why is Topato dead and reality evaporating? / We made a very bad mistake, my leige. / Are we gonna die? / No, Jeffrey, death is something entirely different. We are going to cease to exist along with this universe, which will continue to not exist for all eternity. / You're Jeffrey Rowland? / Yep. / The good news is that infinite worldlines exist in which this specific chain of events does not occur. / We should make out before we stop existing. / What about your girlfriend? / She's not really my girlfriend. / Hee hee! / To the observation deck, everyone. This is a once-in-a-worldline chance to witness the obliteration of your own galaxy. / [OH LIKE YOU WOULDN'T]
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050603.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Wigu! Wake up, buddy! We got to get your butt to school! / NOO! ANTS ALL OVER ME!! / Why are you gettin' me up, Dad? Mom always gets me up! / Youor Mom's... err... uh... your Mom is sick. / Why did you say "er uh" Dad? Now I feel like something suspicious is going down. / I, uh... er, I just had to think about it for a minute! You know how us grown-ups can't remember everything good. / He's right... grown-ups get Sea Niles but I still think I need to collect the evidence. / [GROWN UPS GET SEA NILES AND OLD TIMER'S]
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050606.html
 
WIGU: Chigga Chigga Chigga Chigga chigga chigga / Now that Dad thinks I'm brushing my teeth, I can find Mom! / Romy and Quincy's Bedroom / Mom's not here.... / Paisley, wait! Do you know where Mom is at? / Wigu! Please use proper English when addressing me. / Our father stated unto me that our mother is sick, yet she is nowhere to be found in our home! / Mah Papa has done kill't mah mama.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050607.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Daddy, tell us where Mom is or I'm calling the police. / Aw, dangit. Don't do this to me, kids. / I would tell you for reals but your Mom made me promise not to tell you anthing! / A local woman is behind bars today following a late night drunken rampage that left most of a Dillard's department store in rubble. / Several officers were also injured attempting to restrain 43-year old financial advisor Romy Tinkle, whose blood alcohol level was nearly seven times over the legal limit. Now the community is asking itself: "What went wrong?"
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050608.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET What exactly did Mom do, Daddy? / I dunno. They won't even let me post bail til' ten o'clock. / As far as I can reckon, your mom just got fed up with the whole capitalist system and decided to start up her own personal war against it. / Omigod... if that's true then my Mom must also be my hero! / Daddy, I need to know exactly what Mom did so I can try to emulate it on a smaller scale. / You're not going to start drink' are you?
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050609.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET You forgot my birthday, you son of a turd! / Wigu! Where'd you learn to talk like that? / DADDY LOOK OUT!! / Aaagh! / Aieee! / Nooo! / God dangit, are you kids all right? Holy turds, I've only been around that turdin' curve a billion times... / He learns that language from you, Daddy. / Man I am a complete turd of a dad. / And I am the son of a turd!
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050610.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Great turds! I think we're sinkin'! / I can't open the door, Daddy! I can't open the door! / I put all the doors on a timer, Paisley. You got to wait a few minutes after they're shut before you can open em. / Then break the glass, Daddy, we gotta get out of here! / That ain't glass, sweetie, it's "Clear Armor." Godzilla himself couldn't break that stuff. / What, did you, like, intentionally design this van so we'd die in it? / Honey, your Daddy has got a lot of enemies.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050613.html
 
WIGU: There's no way it's that deep Paisley: Daddy, the van's almost all the way underwater! / Quincy: Relax Paisley! We'll be able to open the doors in a minute! / Quincy: Honestly I'm surprised this little old pond is deep as it is! There's no way it's deeper than the van is tall. / *bloop* (the van sinks under the mud) / Paisley: Omigod, we are completely underwater and we are definately going to die. / Quincy: People get out of crap like this all the time, Paisley. / Quincy: How you doin' back there, Wigu? / Wigu: I'm tryin' to pray but I forgot how my hands are supposed to go! / Marking the first time in history "One Night in Paris" was actually used as an artistic reference
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050614.html
WIGU: White People Meanwhile / Romy: When are you gonna let me out of here? I need to go to work. / Guard: Mrs. Tinkle, you destroyed a department store. / Romy: Oh, I only drove around in it a little while. Can you at least put me in a cell with a normal criminal instead of this wacko that cut her husband in half? / Cellmate: Earl had to die... / Guard: I think we can get you somethin' else, Mrs. Tinkle. / Romy: Good. I'm a mercedes owner, I don't belong with riff-raff. / Romy:Hey! When I said "normal criminals" I meant "normal white criminals!"
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050616.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET TURN ON THE INSIDE LIGHT! SOMETHING JUST HIT ME! / This... this is an oxygen mask. Daddy, why does your van have emergency oxygen masks? / It's better to have an oxygen mask and not need it than to need an oxygen mask and not have one. / Is - is the engine still running? / Yep, the engine hole and the cabin are both airtight. / But... wait, how does that even work? / Man, drivin' underwater is like drivin' on the moon! Damn, look at that big old catfish!
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050617.html
WIGU: The Trouble With Gigantic Underground Lakes Paisley: Daddy, do you have any idea where we're going? / Quincy: I sure wish I did, Paisley / Quincy: You know how these gigantic underground lakes are. They always come out somewhere funny. / Wigu: Oh, Topato, what would you do if you was in this situation? / Butter Dimension 360 / Sherriff Pony: Topato, I think we should- / Topato: I think we should procrastinate a few moments and examine this spectacle.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050621.html
WIGU: Go For It Quincy: Wow, look at this big old cave. I wonder if Indians used to live in here? / Paisley: DADDY STOP!! / Paisley: There's a big hole up there! You almost drove us into that hole! / Quincy: Yeah, let me get a running start and I bet we can jump over it. / Paisley: Have you gone insane, Daddy? That hold could lead to hell for all we know! / Quincy: The only way we're gonna find out what's on the other side is to jump it. Don't you want to know? / Paisley: You're right, Daddy. / I forgot we need to always "go for it".
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050622.html
 
WIGU: Almost There Quincy: Hang on, everybody, we're goin' for it! / Quincy: Almost there... / Quincy: As crap, we ain't gonna make it. / Wigu: Aigh! / Paisley: Nooo! / Paisley: We stopped falling, Daddy, we stopped falling! / Quincy: Yeah Paisley, I noticed that. / Quincy: Who wants to get out and tip us over right-side up? / Paisley: Are... are you joking? / Quincy: Nah, I got scuba gear.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050623.html
WIGU: Scotland mourns. Daddy, what are you doing? / I gotta go outside the van and knock us right-side over. / Daddy, we're underwater. If you open the hatch we'll flood and drown, which is the most wretched of all of Death's methods. / No we won'- something is blockin' the hatch hole. I'm gonna stab it as hard as I can with this harpoon spear. / And that's how an ole boy named Quincy Twinkle accidentally killed the Loch Ness monster. / PAISLEY THINKING DROWNING IS WORSE THAN BEING BURIED ALIVE
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050628.html
WIGU: QUINCY VS. PLESIOSAURS Panel 1: / The International Consortium of Plesiosaurs / Plesisosaur Messenger: Grandmaster, I come bearing terrible news. / Panel 2: / Grandmaster Plesiosaur: Indeed I too felt brother Malkmus's' spirit depart from this world. Have you any details on how it occurred? / Plesiosaur Messenger: Details most wicked. / Panel 3: / Plesiosaur Messenger: He was...he was accidentally murdered by a confused, poorly-educated hominid named Quincy Tinkle. / Grandmaster Plesiosaur: Blasted hominids! / Panel 4: / Grandmaster Plesiosaur: Then we have no other recourse than to take revenge. Ready the Plesiosaur-Mobile. / Messenger: At once, your holiness. / Tiny Text: The Consortium of Plesiosaurs is an exclusive club that you have to be a plesiosaur to join
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050629.html
WIGU: The Buckling Hull Quincy: Okay, kids. I think we probably oughta start worryin' right about now. / Paisley: Daddy we must be at least a mile underwater by now. / Quincy: Nah, we ain't that far. I bet we're, um... about half a mile, tops. / BA-DUMP / Wigu: Dad, the hull is buckling! Should I batten down the hatchets? / Quincy: Naw, that wasn't the hull... somethin' ran into us.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050630.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Dad, there are Dinosaurs swimming outside. / Yeah... God danged plesiosaurs at that. / Now son I know you think dinosaurs are cool but it looks like I might have to kill one today. / OH YOU KNOW IT"S ON NOW
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050701.html
 
WIGU: More Cake MEANWHILE... / More cake.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050704.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Is that the cell pone? how are we getting reception down here? / It's the jail. Hello. Mom? / Wigu? Why aren't you in school? / Mom we were on out way to scgool and accidentally drove into a bottomless underwater hole and now Dad is fighting dinosaurs with a knife! / Well, look when he's done can you just tell him to call me? / OK, Mom.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050705.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Oh man, how are we gonnaget out of this one? How? / Topato, if you can hear me in Butter Dimension 360, we really need your help because we're doomed. / Topato, why do we continue to hesitate? We must help Wigo Tinkcle and his family. / Sheriff Pony, any assistance we provide would require me to become submerged in dihydrogen monoxide. / Topato fears being submerged in dihydrogen monoxxxide / Infidel! I fear nothing! I simply do not wish to contaminate Earth's water supple with the poison from which i am forged / You're scared. / You will suffer.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050706.html
WIGU: A COMIC ON THE INTER NET Princess, our current mission requires Topatos complete immersion in Earth's water. Are you aware of a wat to prevent Earth's water from being contaminated by his poision? / We will have a prophylactic suit constructed for you at once. / Would such a suit be both slimming and fashonable? / Ofcourse / The fashionabilty and slimmingness of this suit must be top notch or the consequences will be absolutely horrifying. / I had total faith in the Princess and her royal engineers, Topato. / This suit is neither fashionable nor slimming. I will launch a fulll-scale assault. / You appear stunnin! / Really?
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050707.html
WIGU: Gratuity Topato: Sheriff Pony, when we return from this mission I intend to file a formal complaint regarding this ridiculous attire- / Sheriff Pony: Topato, look out! / Topato: Those insolent travel-bots programmed our course to take us directly through the center of a black hole! / Sheriff Pony: Perhaps you should be more generous with your gratuity. / Topato: Five per cent is a perfectly adequate amount when you consider the amount of effort required to perform their duty. / Sheriff Pony: Earth approaches, Topato. Prepare to Spring into Action. / Sheriff Pony: Incidentally, a five percent gratuity is considered more insulting than no gratuity at all. / Topato: Thank you for that sound financial advice.
http://jjrowland.com/wigu/20050708.html
 

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