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| Paris Hilton | Ridding the world of Paris Hilton because no-one would pay the ransom? Oh heck, I'd done that bitch for free anyways. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/01042006.htm |
| Steak And Knobber Day | Dracula: February 14th you display your affection for your wife or girlfriend. Well, a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially 'Steak And Knobber Day'. It's for guys, simple, effective, and self-explanitory. / Gimp: I can't wait to see the Hallmark Cards for this one. / Gimp: What is it with steak? I mean, it's not the best and most luxurious dining experience there is out there. The way people talk about steak, they make it sound like it was Gods own favorite meal. / Gimp: If I'm trying to impress a girl, I ain't taking her to Outback. I'll take her to one of the italian places in town that I can't pronounce. / Dracula: Better make reservations. I hear 'The Olive Garden' fills up quick. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/02142006.htm |
| Persistence | What excuse do you have for failure today? http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/02242006.htm |
| Scarecrow | Gimp: I said get me down. / Pinocchio: Not until you say it. / Gimp: No! / Pinocchio: Oh please Mr. Scarecrow? / Gimp: [Sigh] / Pinocchio: Which way to Emerald City? http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/02272006.htm |
| Measure Up | Talking tape measures. What will they think of next? http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/03072006.htm |
| Pillow Fight Club | Dracula: You don't talk about Pillow Fight Club. If someone says 'stop', even if he's faking, the fight is over. / Snail: If someone says stop, do not talk about Pillow Fight Club. / Gimp: No, the fight is over. / Snail: The fight is over, talk about Pillow Fight Club. / Dracula: No, No, No! You DON'T talk about Pillow Fight Club, and IF they say 'stop', the fight is over. / Snail: Even if he's faking. / Dracula: Right. / Death: What about him then? He can't talk. / Dracula: He could tap out a signal. / Death: Tapping, yes very good. I know Morse Code. / Dracula: All right, now lets... / Snail: Oh, if, if, if, uhm... / Gimp: ...Tap out, he has a clever! / Dracula: Look, it's quite simple really. If they tap out, or go limp, the fight is over. All right? / Gimp: What if you don't have any limbs? http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/03182006.htm |
| Mecca Cola | Announcer: Tawfik Mathlouthi hopes to make Mecca Cola the soft drink of choice for Muslims everywhere and thus push out that icon of American capitalism Coca-Cola. / Death: What does it say about the USA when people are marketing a soft drink against us? / Snail: So, with a name like Mecca Cola, does that mean it's endorsed by Allah (P.B.T.H.)? / Death: That should provide weeks and weeks of entertaining riots all over the world. / Dracula: Declare Fatwa on thirst... Drink Mecca Cola! http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/03242006.htm |
| Snakes On A Plane | Samuel L. Jackson: Ain't this some shit? Snakes, on a mother fucking plane. / Stewardress: I'm sorry sir, but you must store that lightsaber in the overhead compartment. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/03282006.htm |
| Three Little Pigs | Death: You see, it all starts with one small pig, going to a market... That's funny right? Because it's an pig doing human things. Well, next to him, there's another piggie who stays home all alone, like that movie... / Pinocchio: uh-huh / Death: ...with that Macaulay Culkin kid. Then, then, oh get this... There's a third pig eating roast beef. Can you belive that? But little does he know there is a fourth pig starving in silence! Now that's comedy! Here's the big finish... / Pinocchio: uh-huh http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/04012006.htm |
| Kitty Sniper | Death: I've got a reasonably priced place with gorgeous hardwood floors, a fireplace, and a nice big backyard.
/ Death: It's just, there are some things about the neighborhood that I can't get used to.
/ Death: I wish we weren't so close to the airport, I wish we were near a supermarket...
/ Death: Oh, and I really wish the sniper in front of the house would go away. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/04052006.htm |
| Kitty Sniper:Part 2 - The Herlihy Boy | We got this place cheap. It's not just the money though. Our neighbors are great, too. / Death: The Herlihy boy came over the day we moved in...
/ Boy: I get it. This is a game. I love games. Is this like hide-n-seek? / Death: ..to ask if he could walk our dog.
/ Voice: Please, have you seen my boy? He just wants to walk your dog. He will teach your dog a trick!
/ Bunny: We don't have a dog. Now get off my lawn you crazy bitch! / Death: I felt bad after 'the incident', but he's definately not a witch.
/ Boy: It's a a little stuffy in Here.
/ [Stomp]
/ [Stomp] http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/04082006.htm |
| Kitty Sniper:Part 3 - Ninja Burger Delivery | I never forget that the sniper is out there. My wife said we should contact the authorities.
/ "What's the number for 911?" / I'm new in the neighborhood. I don't want to be the guy who calls the cops every time there's a sniper, training his gun on the front door. / And just try getting something to eat around here! Once the delivery guys figure out that our sniper will plug them on the porch, they stop delivering to us!
/ "Is this the place with... GAH!!" / When a new restaurant opens up, we can get them to come over once or twice, but after the first few delivery guys are assassinated, the restaurant gets scared off and it's left-overs for us.
/ "Yum, venison". http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/04132006.htm |
| Mecca Cola #2 | News has become propaganda and little else.
/ We allowed accountability to take a back seat to ratings. / It's the people's fault. They need to DEMAND better, of their media outlets. and do their reading on the internet for free, the revolution will not be televised! / Turn off the tv sets, starve the corporate advertising machine of dollars. Take me for example. I'm perfectly free to apply my own intelligence and common sense. / This comic is sponsored by... Mecca Cola. A virgin under every cap. Collect all 72! http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/04172006.htm |
| Katie Holmes Delivers Baby | Announcer: "I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious." It is the latest in a series of increasingly strange outbursts from Tom Cruise. / He has claimed the baby will be delivered in total silence, so as not to cause the baby undue trauma later in life. / Easter Bunny: Well, that answers my questions. Scientology seems reasonable to me. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/04192006.htm |
| Mecca Cola #3 | News has become propaganda and little else.
/ We allowed accountability to take a back seat to ratings. / It's the people's fault. They need to DEMAND better, of their media outlets. and do their reading on the internet for free, the revolution will not be televised! / Turn off the tv sets, starve the corporate advertising machine of dollars. Take me for example. I'm perfectly free to apply my own intelligence and common sense. / 9 out of 10 Muslims say, 'Under threat of death, Mecca Cola is the best! http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/04222006.htm |
| Kitty Sniper:Part 3 - Naps Are Good | Kitty: [locked and loaded, infra-red scope...on.] Coven leader, this is Raven, I'm in position, over.
/ Voice: Affirmative, you are a Go! Copy. / Kitty: What's that? [sniff] [crackle] Coven Leader, listen... Do you smell something, 10-4? / Kitty: Raven, that's a funny word. Raven, raven, baben, flavin, riboflavin [yawn]. I need a nap. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/04282006.htm |
| Kitty Sniper:Part 5 - Bee Sandwich | Sandwich Safety - A resource guide to specifications and best practice guidelines for sandwich making. By: Kitty Sniper (Bee Sandwich) http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/05032006.htm |
| Lights on | Gimp: Sometimes mother lets us play with the lights on. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/11262005.htm |
| Merry Christmas | Merry Christmas http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/11272005.htm |
| Frosty | Deep down, Frosty the snowman did regret squandering the fortune of his youth on hookers and gin. He could not avoid being typecast by the Hollywood studios. With his 'leading man' looks fading, he talked to anyone who would listen even if that did make him yellow. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12022005.htm |
| Feng Shui | Dracula: The Feng Shui of this room is all wrong. The monkey head should go next to the jug. What do you think? / Gummotep: Oh, I know, we could turn it facing the picture. / Pinocchio: We could hang it on the door hook. / Gimp: Yes, putting the monkey head on a hook, will create a more pleasing, comfortable, atmosphere. Also, it will create a new traffic pattern to the room. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12042005.htm |
| 911 | To the lady who called 911 to have the cops make Carls Jr. give her a refund on a cheeseburger. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12052005.htm |
| Encouragement | Give it up, you've got no hands. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12082005.htm |
| Crime does pay | Every year, Santa makes his usual delivery of coal. A commodity worth approximately $4000 in todays energy market. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12092005.htm |
| Communication | Communication http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12102005.htm |
| Laughter | Brighten someones day. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12112005.htm |
| Hope | You could always try sumo wrestling. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12122005.htm |
| Paas | See what happens when you disobey mother? She told you not to put all your eggs in one basket. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12132005.htm |
| Easter Bunny | How Easter Eggs are made. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12142005.htm |
| Clearance Clarence | Hey! There's something on the wing of this plane! http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12152005.htm |
| It's a doosey | Watch out for that first step. It's a dooosey! http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12262005.htm |
| Doorbell | I've been thinking bout my doorbell, when you gonna ring it. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12272005.htm |
| Stenography | Man: Stenography is an 'in demand' lucrative industry, with a flexible schedule and two weeks paid vaction. / Woman: Gee Bill, I never considered being a court stenographer before. What's the number? / Man: Eight, six, seven, five, three, oh nine. / Woman: And you say there is no experience required? / Man: All skill levels are encouraged to call. Stenographers wanted 867-5309.. that's.. Eight, six, seven, five, three, oh nine. http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12282005.htm |
| Paxil | Death: For that, I'd need a referal from my primary care physician. But last time that quack put me on CambatrolHCL, and it gave me heart palpitations! Blue Cross doesn't cover Risperdal. I'll be damned if they're going to keep me overnight at St. Mary's. That HMO disease bunker. People just languishing in their own filth, right in the hallways! The last time I was there, I nearly got food poisoning from that dreadful, tainted coleslaw... http://www.superunit5000.com/HTML/12292005.htm |