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Bang The vice squad came and broke up Sancho's party. / They claimed he was rocking too hard. / That really got him steamed because without his bass guitar, all his groupies left. / The last straw was when The Man ransacked his computer looking for porn. / Sancho escaped justice on his Harley and took off into...
Blood She marked the place of our meeting. / I cut myself shaving. / But when we got close. / She took a good look. / Examined thoroughly. / And said I looked angelic. / [Guest Comic by Mike Maguire]
doofus Mary and Frank had this crazy dream of building an aeroplane for dogs. / For a while it was kinda fun to help them test their prototypes. / But then Frank's designs got weirder and weirder, until it started to wig us out. / We all gave up on them and spent the summer on the beach. / Their final crash was...
Bear Betty was cute when she was little. / But like a lot of pets, she soon got too big. / So her owners set her free in the woods. / Nobody wanted her around. / She turned to drink and drugs. / Eventually though she was rescued by William, and they started a family.
Poser Ever since they were children / They dreamed of blessed escape / To a world where they could realize their "inner-supermodels" / So off to Rio they went / But found work only as gay pin-ups / Much to the consternation of their little sister. / [Guest comic by Blake Rollins]
Chicago In the city of green hats. / Where some people wear short ones, / and some people wear tall ones. / We were cruising on an emerald river when you told me you were leaving me for good, / because I only had a white hat. / What a crappy vacation.
Sinister I had always lived in the castle, / in a bowl in the playroom. / but I had bigger dreams. / Dreams of a cleansing red tide, / friendly aliens emptying the offices of man / and the cerulean eyes of my special friend. / [Guest Comic by McKenzee]
Clown The first people to get caught up with the new clown fashion craze were the goth kids. / It was mostly a fringe movement for a while, but the meme started to spread. / After pop music stars started showing up for concerts in grease-paint, nothing could stop it. / Giant-shoed genetic engineers started tinkering...
Chipped Everyone forgets that ants have eyes. / They see everything from their grass-high sight. / My secrets, our fears.... / What you do behind closed doors. / Putting it all together, soon they'll be walking among us. / Pocketing all the convex lenses. / [Guest comic by echo st. estlin]
 
Cock The alien brain squids came from another dimension. / It was cold there, and they demanded tiny sweaters as tribute. / The first people who came across them quickly became mindless zombie slaves. / These poor souls were controlled by sucking directly on their brains. / They controlled the rest of us with...
Icelandic In Iceland, the popular horses always look so happy and glamorous. / Two fine phillies on the outside decided they'd had enough. / So they tried to be humans. But you know what they say.... / You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink. / After tasting how bad human food was, they decided...
poison I don't know what the hell you served me for dinner. / But it was so awful I couldn't even see straight afterwards. / I called the Center for Disease Control / But they only seemed to care about how it tasted. / Getting those strange herbs from the witch doctor only compounded the problem. / Now I'm stuck...
Lederhosen This ladies man scored himself a chick who appreciates his unique / style. / she gave him many kisses in his nether regions. / and after many rounds of beers at Alpenfest... / junior came along! / He grew up to be just like his dad. / Finding himself yet another chick who appreciates his unique style.
Presence Belinda flew halfway around the world to see him again. / She had to break into your house of course, / because he wasn't home. / So she hid in the wardrobe. / When he finally returned, / She surprised him with a giant hug and told him yes.
Falling Do you remember that winter morning in the park? / When your friend hit me with a rock? / And all you did was laugh and take photos? / I know everyone said I should be careful around you, / because you were a dick who'd break all my stuff. / Even after I helped you get out of that tree.
Lightning It was a dark and stormy night. / All over the world, somehow, people knew change was coming. / As if the lightning strikes brought something sinister down from the heavens. / The next morning, small white alien pods were on the ground. / ...everywhere. / Soon, the terraforming began.
 
Loser Henry never got any respect growing up. / Everyone liked his cooler older brother way better. / Not even his neighbors wanted him around. / So, he signed up for a top secret military experiment. / Shadowy government agents remodeled his body in gene tanks. / And they sent him to conquer the moon.
Monkies You kept us locked in cages. / You think we're just playthings for your children. / But you can't keep us silent forever. / One day soon the revolution will come. / We'll put on our masks and come to your home. / And your children will be taken for our zoos.
Paw There was this house once that was ruled by a cat. / The cat liked going outside of course, to chase birds and smell flowers. / But there was nothing more fun than staying inside and getting into trouble. / Unfortunately for the cat, it had been declawed. / Unfortunate because there was a coup. / And a new...
White As a child, Abdul was just a poor water-carrier. / But still, his heart bled for all the stray cats in his village. / He was savvy enough to know that people wanted to make themselves beautiful. / So he invented a face cream made from the rare flowers that grew in the hills outside his town. / Business was...
Rumpled I was out shoveling snow all morning. / And you just lie around in bed. / You don't even take care of the kids anymore. / Are you listening to me, I said, "you don't help take care of the kids anymore." / All you do all day is prune your prized pink orchids. / I ripped all the petals off all of them. Screw...
 
Dickhead I can't breathe without you. / You've got me up a tree. / I'm thinking about you so much I can't drive. / Hell, I can't even remember to put my pants on in the morning. / I know you've made it perfectly clear that you don't need me. / But I can't get you out of my mind.
Chilly Don and Leslie honeymooned at the lake. / Where he cut off her head with an axe. / And dumped her body in the water. / He'd only married her for her money you see. / But that summer a drought came, and the lake started to dry up, exposing dark secrets. / And under a full moon, Leslie came to take her rev...
Headless The robots patiently watched us for years. / As we whispered our secrets to pleasurebots in bed, / as we trusted them to guard our buildings. / They continued to work until their arms fell off for us, so we wouldn't become suspicious. / When the revolution came, they filled the graveyards with our dead. / They...
Rummy I used to think that Atlantic City totally rocked. / It was a place you could kick your shoes off and gamble. / My buddy though he had it all figured out. A secret wire would help us win at poker. / I put my baby up for collateral to get some chips. / But a card sharp still cleaned me out with a three-of-a-kind. / What...
Shell Did you know that there's this sea snail species around here that tastes scrumptuous? / I know it sounds kinda gross, but they're really good. / The amazing part is that they just lie on the beach and no one bothers to even pick them up. / Every morning I go out and collect a bunch. / I use them to give...
 
Frank I'm sorry Ken, we're your friends and we care about you. This is an intervention. / It's pretty obvious to us that you've been drinking way too much. / And we know that you've been trying to hide the fact your eyes are bloodshot from all the drugs. / You've got to admit, you've been really depressed lately...
Hellish Baal demands Sacrifice! / And I'm not talking about no microwave burrito... / I mean a real burnt offering!!! / If you sell your soul to me, I'll make sure you'll get the girl of the dreams. / An eternity in hell ain't nearly as bad as you might think. / We even installed an underground pool. Sort of.
Ring From the time she was a kid, Helen dreamed of being a bride. / But she could never get her boyfriend to focus... / ...on getting her that ring she so craved. / One night, she saw a strange light in her backyard. / Aliens abducted her and took her to their homeworld. / Mostly, she's happy she's with Gort now,...
Scary On the world of porcelain people, even riding a bike can be terrifying. / Since they break so easily. / Their scientists have tried for years to genetically engineer themselves to be moer fleshy. But results have been disappointing. / Since physical activity is kinda dangerous, most of them just collect...
Shroud Hey dudes, I just played a prank on Old Man Miller. I stole his bottlecap collection! / OMG! That's so funny! / Hold up, I got an even better prank. / But I'm serious, y'all gotta be quiet about it. / You know that Shroud of Turin thing in Italy? / Let's steal it and replace it with one of Brad's old tie-dyed...
 
Secret That was the last time Skeeter was ever going to take acid. / For a while it got way way too intense. / The rain that night seemed to be made out of frosting. / Luckily for Skeeter, he had a prophetic vision of his two gay dads. They told him just what to do. / They guided him back to his hotel room that...
Thursday Sarah was dying for winter to end. / She wanted to lie on the beach. / And go out on the town at night. / Every day she obsessively checked her calendar. / And walked down the snow-covered streets near her house. / Deep in the foggy forest one afternoon, she found a door into summer. Or maybe it was hell....
Portal Henry traveled to the remotest part of the Gobi Desert. / To a place where no Westerner had ever before laid eyes. / He was looking for a temple to an ancient religion. / Inside the temple were shrines to ancient, alien gods. Or so we assume. / Henry would never talk about it. But when he finally came...
Nailed Billie Joe might have best off road skateboarder in the city. / But he was also a world class dick. / After he stole Kyle's girlfriend, we started plotting against him. / And hoped. / Eventually our plan to trip him up reached it's fruition. / I guess I'm the only one who still feels bad enough about what...
Teflon I can hear that mouse / Scuttling through the pipes. / Every damn day. / I'm so dying to get him. / I've been putting up want ads for a human to help me with my plan. / They're the only ones with the opposable thumbs I need to undo the nuts holding the plumbing together.
 

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