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defeat terror i know, i will defeat terror with my acerbic wit and cynical apathy!
bitter partisanship you know what the problem is with this country? half the country thinks the other half is stupid. / which half? / both.
mobius street i can't find your house! / i live on the other side of the street. / i can't find the other side!!!
smart and funny now, you too can be both smart & funny. just use this instant joke formula! / [long rant about geopolitics.] / [non sequitur about pop culture.]
super sabbath so, how was your sabbath? / it was great! i got to watch millions of people in church, bored to death, listening to stories about my greatness.
 
hoboe i play the oboe. what do you play? / i play the hobo. it's a percussion instrument.
lafayette lafayette! where are you? / who iz lafayette?
sitcom love no, we can never be together. / why? / our ratings will tank. / damn you, sitcom love!
remember remember. / 09/11/01
code purple attention: the current threat level is at code purple. today is going to be fabulous!
 
football vs. girls if only...
no dreams i don't want to dream tonight.
economic news economy best it has ever been... but is despair just around the corner?
project runway finale say, did you hear that a minority won project runway? / wait, isn't jeffrey white? / c'mon, a straight man won a fashion competition.
why i'm voting republican (part 1) why i'm voting republican (part 1) / medicare drug benefit / real cost: up to $1.2 trillion / original price: $534 billion / 2005 transportation act / total cost: $286 billion / pork: $24 billion / fiscal responsibility
 
why i'm voting republican (part 2) why i'm voting republican (part 2) / axis of evil: / iran / getting nukes / north korea / has nukes / iraq / no nukes / resources bogged down in unnecessary war / civil war in iraq / more terrorists / strong defense
why i'm voting republican (part 3) why i'm voting republican (part 3) / house caucus on missing and exploited children / chairman: mark foley (R) / two people* who love each other can NOT: / marry / adopt / *gay / family values
why i'm voting republican (part 4) why i'm voting republican (part 4) / expand welfare state / habeas corpus / patriot act / wiretapping / less government
where's your costume hey, where's your costume? / i'm apathy.
boob appreciation day today is boob appreciation day!
 
uber-caffeinated need... more... caffeine!
bush as lincoln heckuva job, mcclellan.
taco bell ads agh, why are taco bell ads so dumb? / their target demographic is people who think taco bell is mexican food.
balding predicament if i was bald, i'd wear really nice shoes.
scooby doo made no sense and i would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those fucking kids and their dog with a speech impediment.
 
giant sunglasses i really like those giant sunglasses that are in style right now. they hide way more ugliness. life is more pleasant when there's at least the illusion that people around you are beautiful.
bad-ass eye patch check out my eye patch. isn't it bad-ass? / not as bad-ass as depth perception.
apocalypto are you going to see apocalypto? / naw, i was disappointed with his last horror flick. / what horror flick? / jews on a plane.
fob 5 did you hear about that queer eye rip-off they're doing on that chinese channel? / no, what's it called? / the fob 5.
there's a mouse in my house do you know how dogs can't eat chocolate? i wish mice & cockroaches were allergic to pizza crumbs & easy mac.
 

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