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|Metronome (Bicycle Ride)||Dr Quickly: I have invented a metronome that beats in reverse!
/ Rabid: What good is that? It sounds kind of awful...
|Metronome (Poetastic)||Dr Quickly: I have invented a metronome that beats in reverse!
/ Rabid: What good is that? It sounds kind of awful...
|Picnic Failure (Boating)||Rabid: If only I'd known things would turn out so unexpectedly! / Rabish: Maybe next time you plan a picnic, you should make sure the parkland lozenge isn't going to be submerged for repair!! / Rabid: Since even the ferry station has been taken underwater, we'll have to sail for shore in the picnic basket. / Rabid: Hurrah! The "Ghost Card" has been dispatched to guide us into port! / Rabid: What an adventure!! / Rabish: Next time, let's just picnic on the roof of your apartment building. / Rabid: Oh, I forgot about the giant carnivorous pigeons in my neighbourhood.|
|Picnic Failure (salt)||Rabid: If only I'd known things would turn out so unexpectedly! / Rabid: Ants at a picnic is one thing -- but these innumerable SLUGS!!
/ Rabish: And the cold chicken isn't salted and you brought no salt. Which I mention also because of the relevance to the slugs. / Rabid: Well... fair enough. But I did bring some Dr Quickly Brand Salt-Flavoured Powdered Flavour Powder... in an official branded baggie!! / Rabish: It says "Not for use on slugs"...
|Lisa wants me to go shopping with her||Rabish: IT IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY, SUNNY, WARM, AND DELIGHTFUL! / Rabish: COME OUT FOR A WALK WITH ME IN THE WARM, DELICIOUS, ATMOSPHERIC CITY! / Rabid: LET GO OF ME YOU PIELIFTING HARLOT! I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR GAMES! / Rabid: I HAVE TO PARTICIPATE IN A VITAL AND ILLUMINATING EXPERIMENT! / Rabish: IF I COME UP WITH A FLIMSY-YET-SWEET PLAN THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPEND THE DAY WITH ME WITHOUT COMPROMISING YOUR GLORIOUS EXPERIMENT, WILL YOU GO FOR A WALK WITH ME? / Rabid: SURE! / [[A basketball on a mop is in the doorway.]] / Dr Quickly: AT LAST, MY VOLUNTEER HAS ARRIVED!|
|Actuary (inside)||Rabid: Excellent! My correspondence course is complete, and now I'm a certified actuary!! / [[Snakes and spiders come out of the envelope.]] / Rabid: What?! No!! Where's my certification?! The envelope--it even contains snakes? What are the odds?! / [[Slugs and centipedes come out of the envelope.]] / [[Rats and vultures come out of the envelope.]] / [[Scorpions and sea cucumbers come out of the envelope.]] / Rabish: Sea cucumbers too? No... no, that doesn't usually happen.|
|Actuary (history)||Rabid: Excellent! My correspondence course is complete, and now I'm a certified actuary!! / Rabish: What did you have to do in order to obtain such a glamorous and begemmed diploma? / Rabid: Send lots of money, mostly. / Dr Quickly: You do know my experiment is bound to fail -- costing your agency millions!! It is a crafty scheme I have devised... / Rabid: But I sold you an ENSURANCE policy, thereby guaranteeing its success!! / Dr Quickly: You fool! You've doomed us all!! / Rabid: Maybe YOU doomed us, it's not my fault you can't spell. / Tour Guide: We believe this plaque marked the stela of the Wizard King "DIPLOMA"!! / School Group: Ooooooh!! / Wizard King Diploma: GRAVE ROBBERS! THIEVES!! IN MY DEATH I CURSE YOU ALL!!|
|Actuary (ring)||Rabid: Excellent! My correspondence course is complete, and now I'm a certified actuary!! / Rabid: With my ACTUARIAL POWER RING I can turn invisible at will!! / Rabid: My new-found super-strength will stop the dam's collapse!! / Dr Quickly: Where did he come from? / Rabish: He's amazing!! / Rabid: Oh! It was all just a dream... being an actuary is a desk job. / Rabid: But then--why do I still have this power ring?! / Feltpad Multipak: CAPTAIN SAGULAX! A report from Feltpad Multipak!! The Chosen One has obtained the Power Ring by learning at his own pace in the comfort of his own home!! The mission is bound to succeed!! / Captain Sagulax: CAPTAIN SAGULAX IS PLEASED!!|
|Catamaran (party)||Rabish: Are there any problems with the catamaran that we should know about before we buy it? / Salesmonster: Uh... no? / Rabid: I'm still not clear on what we're going to do there. / Rabish: You'll see!! / Rabish: The idea is we all sit around and drink... uh... / Dr Quickly: Beer. / Rabish: Beer! And listen to uh... recorded... / Dr Quickly: Music. / Dr Quickly: I used to do this a lot as a youth back in my home dimension. / Rabish: It's quite fun!! / Dr Quickly: "Get out! Get out!! The call came from INSIDE THE HORSE!!" / Rabid: Ah!! That's a good scary story!! / Catamaran: YOU THINK THAT'S SCARY I'M A HAUNTED BOAT!!|
|Catamaran (fruit)||Rabish: Are there any problems with the catamaran that we should know about before we buy it?
/ Salesmonster: Uh... no? / Rabid: These are not our accustomed waters...
/ Rabish: Where is this new boat taking us? / Rabid: Weeks... months?
/ Rabish: Salt soup with rain-water chaser... / <
|Catamaran (cyphertext)||Rabish: Are there any problems with the catamaran that we should know about before we buy it? / Salesmonster: Uh... no? / Rabid: Good thing the lake was recently blessed!! / Ghost: IT BURNS!! / Ghost: Ghosts, being vapourous, evaporate into weighty solids. / Dr Quickly: "Dredged from the deep, a great artist carved me into the form I held in life." Carved from pure poltergranite?! It's sheer madness!! The fools!! / Noel: This is the fourth time your plates have clattered messily to the floor!! / Rabid: We're haunted by a boat!! / Rabish: We're hungry and are not doing this on purpose!! / Noel: GET OUT OF MY RESTAURANT YOU LYING SCUMS!! / Rabish: What does the ghost say? How can we appease it?! / Rabid: It says... it says... D OUOSVAVV M?! What the hell?!|
|Audit (Tube)||Rabid: Aw, CRAP! The Intestinal Revenue Service is going to audit me!! / Rabid: Good thing I always get a receipt from the Toilet Paper Printer. / Dr Quickly: Confidentially, I have an "outlet" that lets me funnel undeclared belly profits to an off-shore food haven. / Rabid: That's enormously disgusting!! / Dr Quickly: Yeah... it's also sort of unwieldy. / Dr Quickly: Oh! Oh! They seized my assets!! / Villager: Now that the Doctor's Food Tube has dried up, how will our village survive?! / Baby: WA!|
|Audit (Snitch)||Rabid: Aw, CRAP! The Intestinal Revenue Service is going to audit me!! / Space Frog: WHAT'S THIS A SECOND SET OF INTESTINES FOR OFF-THE-RECORD DIGESTION / Rabid: If I tell you who installed it, will you let me off easy? / Dr Quickly: You jerk!! You set me up!! You'll pay! You'll all pay!! / Rabid: I feel guilty. / Rabish: You should! But, for employing his illicit services in the first place, not ratting him out. Like a snitch. / Rabid: I also kind of feel guilty about the murders he made me do. / Rabish: Attaboy!!|
|Audit (Senses)||Rabid: Aw, CRAP! The Intestinal Revenue Service is going to audit me!! / Rabid: It's really stressful: none of my records are in any order and I even totally just forgot to file a couple years ago. / Dr Quickly: There! You've now officially declared internal bankruptcy. / Rabid: Oh! I felt it turn on. Thank you for helping with this, it's quite embarrassing. / Rabish: Aren't you hungry? / Rabid: Bankruptcy removes the flavour from food, and renders the texture identical to mucilage. / Rabid: All the qualia are routed through this bandpass filter that prevents the recognition of high-quality sense perceptions. / Rabish: But only your perception is altered! It's actually still quite completely delicious! / Rabid: Good point! I'll eat the delicious food!!|
|Hands (access)||Rabid: GAH OH NO IT WAS A KITTEN WHEN I PICKED IT UP!! A CUTE LITTLE KITTEN AGGH / Space Frog: YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
/ Rabid: Okay, FIRST of all, it was squid, not octopus. And secondly, it was breaded and fried. / Rabid: Wait, you're not a fairy princess at all! You're Space Frog!! You did this to me!!
/ Space Frog: YEP / Rabid: REVENGE!!
|Hands (seacrime)||Rabid: GAH OH NO IT WAS A KITTEN WHEN I PICKED IT UP!! A CUTE LITTLE KITTEN AGGH / Rabid: I actually HAD an umbrella but it turned into an octopus! / Dr Quickly: For everyone's good we are moving you to a new prison. / Rabid: I'm innocent and helpless! And no prison can hold me!! / Dr Quickly: The new prison is the stomach of a giant octopus. / Rabid: HA HA YOUR SHIP IS DOOMED!! / Captain Monster: The "Octopus Prisoner"... grown violently mad in his captivity... not a legend at all! Oh, the horror!! / Rabid: YOU CANNOT FLEE MY REVENGE / Dr Quickly: His power is beyond his control!! We must flee conclusively!! / Rabish: My dear Rabid! What have we done?! / Dr Quickly: Our whole planet gone... what home is there for us now?|
|Hands (filmstrip)||Rabid: GAH OH NO IT WAS A KITTEN WHEN I PICKED IT UP!! A CUTE LITTLE KITTEN AGGH / Dr Quickly: Hey, Rabid, I invented a strange new isomer of water which I have named ICE-NINE after the completely identical substance in that book everyone had to read in high school!! / Rabid: Never heard of it. Can I hold the jar? / Rabish: Is there... something different? / Rabid: I wouldn't know! Don't ask me!! / Madmonster: OUR ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS MADE OF OCTOPUS!! / Dr Quickly: But so what? If everything is octopus then nothing is not-octopus so you might as well say "candy" instead. All it does is make the word "octopus" meaningless. Still, you're right. / Dr Quickly: It would be a terrible stinky universe. Any questions? / Rabid: Did you have that film just sitting around waiting for this opportunity?|
|Bubblebath (HCHP)||Rabid: The bubbles!! Chemicals?! / Rabid: Rabish! I've been turned into a LADY by my bubble bath!! / Rabish: Are you sure?! / Rabid: Look, I have a closet packed full of shoes!! / Rabish: You have always had many shoes. / Rabid: Okay there is a fairly conclusive proof but it requires privacy and discretion. / Rabish: Good! It had better not be "being emotional and running up credit card debt," though. / Rabish: HA HA HA THAT doesn't make you a LADY!! / Space Frog: HEY CAN I HAVE SOME MILK I HEAR YOU MAKE MILK IS IT TASTY?! / Rabid: She TOLD!!|
|Bubblebath (decisions)||Rabid: The bubbles!! Chemicals?! / Rabid: Do you like my new gold tooth? And the tattooed arrow that points to it? I got the idea during a bubble bath!! / Rabish: How's the gold tooth working out? / Rabid: I bit a hard thing... / Rabid: But I got another great idea during a bubble bath: a fancy haircut!! I spritz the naked skin with water all the time to look really shiny and smooooooth. / Rabish: How's the new haircut? / Rabid: I am sick all the time from being cold and wet. / Rabid: So I had another bubble bath and decided to live in a volcano! / Rabish: Stop having bubble baths!!|
|Bubblebath (clean)||Rabid: The bubble!! Chemicals?! / Rabish: Rabid! What happened to you? / Rabid: That bubble bath you loaned me did something HORRIBLE!! / Dr Quickly: Oh, Rabid! I didn't smell you come in... / Rabish: That bubble bath solution you told me to force on him: what does it do?! / Rabid: I'm... CLEAN?! / Poop: DISQUIALIFIED!! / Rabid: This is all your fault!! / Dr Quickly: I had no idea! / Giant Cat: FRUUUUUUU PRAAAAAAA / Rabid: Agh! I'm so soft and fuzzy a giant cat has found me irresistible! / Dr Quickly: I'm so sorry!!|
|Pielove (forms)||Noel: Oh I love my PIE!! / Dr Quickly: She must have stolen the pie.
/ Rabid: Yes! She is evil and it is such a big pie. / <
|Pielove (porks)||Noel: Oh, I love my pie!! / Dr Quickly: No, wait, I don't understand. I left the pie on the night table. Did the cleaning service throw it out? I left very clear instructions!! / Old Scientist: I'm afraid we must revoke your Award for Brilliant Science, as your "cure for ham" has gone missing and so there is no proof that it works. / Other Old Scientist: We sure wasted a lot of money renting this venue. / Dr Quickly: My ABS!! / Noel: Oh, my sweet lovely pie, what do you contain? Gross! Rancid pig meats! What hte hell sort of pie are you anyway? / Dr Quickly: The idea is by making a salt pie I can cure old and useless pigflesh of stinky disease, but if the pie crust is broken too early the toxins are extra nasty. / Noel: That damn pie! I hope others can learn from my foolish love and avoid my terrible fate. It tasted pretty awesome, though.|
|Pielove (finger monsters)||Human: PSST, RABID, RABISH! COME OVER HERE, I GOTS TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING! / Rabid: What are these curious creatures? / Human: GOTCHA! / Rabid and Rabish: GASP! / Noel: OH, I LOVE MY PIE! / Rabid: EW.|
|Cliffside Distraction (elongation)||Rabid: Wh-huh? / Noel: HA ha ha! I have MIND CONTROLLED you into JUMPING!!
/ Rabid: But I stopped!! / Rabid: Guess I spoke too soon!! / <
|Cliffside Distraction (hallucination)||Rabid: Wh-huh? / Rabid: Oh, it is the note I wrote to convince people that my jumping off this building is in everyone's best interests. / Rabid: Huh? Oh, I forgot to get that special hat I must wear to make this occasion a dignified and solemn one. / Rabid: Here I... wait, is it really dinnertime already? I should have a bite to eat first so that I don't have a regretfully growling stomach on the way down. / Rabid: Here goes... huh? There is a lonely kitty here! I should take it to the building's concierge before I do this. / Dr Quickly: Your poor attention span has exceeded the operational parameters of my virtual suicide simulator. / Rabid: It was exceedingly realistic until it stopped being realistic!|
|Cliffside Distraction (xenofact)||Rabid: Wh-huh?! / Rabid: Hey, the apocalypse. I guess I don't need to jump after all. / Rabid: On clear days you can see the ruins of the city -- there!! The glow and char of a dead civilization. / L'il Rabid: If Mom and Dad found out I was running away to explore the ruins they'd tan my hide!!
|New Hat (poop joke)||Rabish: Do you like my new hat? / Rabish: It correctly predicts planetary motions! And it is a PERFECT representation of our own little planet!
/ Rabid: Fascinating! / Rabid: A bird is landing on it!
/ Rabish: How cute! / <
|New Hat (dryclean only)||Rabish: Do you like my new hat? / Rabid: It seems... insubstantial? Uh, but it's lovely--just lovely!!
/ Rabish: Isn't it? / Rabot: My sensors detect that it brings out the colour of your eyes, the hat does. / Rabot: Confidentially, my sensors do not detect a hat at all!!
/ Rabid: So it's not just me! We need to do something about this. / Rabid: OH NO! All of a sudden it's really windy! Do you feel how very really windy it is suddenly?
|New Hat (culinary)||Rabish: Do you like my new HAT?!
/ Rabid: You have earned the right to wear a toque?! / [[Rabish is reaching for the Baking Yeast Pouches but grabs a Gelatin Pack instead]]
/ Rabish: I shall bake bread! / Rabish: This bread is a miserable failure -- all toppings and spreads are shaken off by VIBRATIONS and WIGGLING!
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