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|Scary Basement Noise (paint)||Rabid: H-hello? Is there someone down here?! / Dr Quickly: I'm certainly not installing surveillance equipment for the government!! / Rabid: Ok! Have you seen the kitchen wall paint? / Dr Quickly: Uhh... hound lemon in modern emulsion, right? / Rabid: That's the one!! / Rabid: Won't you stay for some tea? / Dr Quickly: I've got six more houses to install before lunch... but thanks for the offer. / Rabid: Aw, be late! Who'll know?! / Rabid: Oh.|
|Scary Basement Noise (ji zhi guo tie)||Rabid: H-hello? Is there someone down here? / <
|Scary Basement Noise (makeouts)||Rabid: H-hello? Is there someone done here? / Rabish: Uh, hi. / Rabid: A MONSTER!! AAAAAUGH!! / Rabid: So the reason there is buttermilk in the fridge is that you bought it and we live together? / Rabish: Yes! You hate buttermilk!! / Rabid: Yeah, but maybe I was cooking with it. / Rabid: I think I am starting to remember... we have lots of makeouts, right? I'm remembering lots of hot makeouts. / Rabish: Ew! No! / Rabish: Well okay yes but if you don't remember who I am then it's creepy. / Rabid: Or exciting!! / Rabid: Wow! That blow to my head restored my memory!! / Rabish: Yeah? / Rabid: Yeah let's make out now, uh, you!|
|A divorce (terrible party)||Space Frog: OKAY A DIVORCE YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO GET A DIVORCE... / Rabid: Fine! / Noel: Pfft. / Rabish: I thought there would be food? / Dr Quickly: There's a buffet after. / Rabid: I do! / Rabish: Congratulations on the wedding -- I'm sorry about your divorce. / Rabid: We're still friends, just incompatible as "life partners". / Dr Quickly: Gettin' tipsy!! / Noel: Why did I agree to this stupid "theme picnic"? / Dr Quickly: Noel? I think she left. / Rabid: Thank goodness!! / Space Frog: NO ONE HAS REMEMBERED TO BRING ME A PLATE FROM THE BUFFET / Dr Quickly: You wanna danss? Slow danss? It'd be reallllly sexy! / Rabish: I'm not interested, no. / Noel: sob sob sob|
|A Divorce (learning)||Space Frog: OKAY A DIVORCE YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO GET A DIVORCE / Rabid: Couldn't we divide our possessions by weight now that they're pulverized?
/ Noel: Stop talking, you're blowing it around. / Rabish: You're just going to live in a hotel now?
/ Rabid: Hopefully I can reconstitute that armoire I was mildly fond of.
|A Divorce (reconcile)||Space Frog: OKAY A DIVORCE YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO GET A DIVORCE / Noel: So can I buy out your half of the divorce? I'm not going to use it for nefarious purposes!! / Rabid: Sure! Thanks for explaining again why we did that. / Noel: Now I just have to change the names... / Rabish: I don't understand... my poetry book was so well reviewed but not a single copy sold!! / Rabid: Uh oh... / Dr Quickly: Believe me, I tried. Intellectual and popular culture will never reconcile. That weekly science column was good steady salmon, too. / Noel: Ha ha let me sign a copy of my fabulously popular book for you! It's about a pretty lady wizard who transforms into a talking cat to fight dragons on the internet!! / Rabish: I know. I read it.|
|Learning Zen (the first question)||[[RABID AND FRIENDS (tm) DO LEARNING WITH COMICS!! (tm) WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ZEN PART ONE: THE FIRST QUESTION]] / Dr Quickly: Okay! You've waited outside for six weeks! But now you have to answer a TRULY DIFFICULT QUESTION with COMPLETE TRUTHFULNESS!!
/ Rabid: Okay! / Dr Quickly: WHO ARE YOU?!?! / Rabid: I'm a bodhisattva!
|Learning Zen (wei wu wei)||[[RABID AND FRIENDS(tm) DO LEARNING WITH COMICS!!(tm) WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ZEN PART TWO: MOTION IN STILLNESS]] / Paul Bunyan: Well folks've been tellin' me you went missing, Babe, so hold still and I'll climb on your back for a look around to find you. / Paul Bunyan: Well that looks like your hindquarters, doesn't it? Pick up the pace!! / Babe: Actually I think we're catching up to ourselves... / Paul Bunyan: Seems to me looking for Babe so hard got us into a pickle! Let's take a breather, friend! / Paul Bunyan: Handsome AND clever!! / Paul Bunyan: You've cleaned me out... got no way to pay you but my ox! / Paul Bunyan: Works for me!! / Paul Bunyan: Hey everybody! Two identical oxen! I named them both Babe! Now I'm hungry, so let's eat!!|
|Learning Zen (difficult questions)||[[RABID AND FRIENDS DO LEARNING WITH COMICS WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ZEN PART THREE: UNASK THE QUESTION]] / Dr Quickly: Now, my disciple! This most totally off-the-wall question is the final test!!
/ Rabid: I'm pumped! HIT ME!! / Dr Quickly: DOES A SPACE FROG HAVE THE BUDDHA NATURE?!
/ Rabid: Huh?! / Rabid: Open your mouth! Do you have the buddha nature in there?!
|Frog Legs (hollow earth)||Dr Quickly: It's a serious cooties infection... we'll have to amputate your legs. / Space Frog: MY WHAT / Dr Quickly: Seriously? / Dr Quickly: What the... ?! / Space Frog: HA HA HA HA HA LEGS|
|Frog Legs (tipping)||Dr Quickly: It's a serious cooties infection... we'll have to amputate your legs. / Space Frog: SAY WHAT / Dr Quickly: All done! I made you a little diorama of your amputated legs so you can gaze at them wistfully. / Space Frog: OHHHH THIS SUCKS / Dr Quickly: OF COURSE cooties aren't real! I just needed an excuse to immobilize him so he'd stop sneaking up behind me!! / Space Frog: REVENGE / Space Frog: HEY RABID CAN YOU HELP ME BACK UP ON MY LEGS SO I CAN EAT YOU I PROMISE TO NOT EAT YOU / Rabid: Uh, nope.|
|Frog Legs (syrup)||Dr Quickly: Cooties, dude. Chop chop. / Space Frog: DANG / Space Frog: FEELING DIZZY / Dr Quickly: Gosh it just keeps coming!! / Rabid: Wasn't it springtime just like a week ago? / Rabish: The grass is all crunchy. / Rabid: Wow! So much syrup for my synth-grain flatcakes! Your diner is the best!! / Dr Quickly: Be sure and vote for me! / Rabish: This park used to be so pretty... / Dr Quickly: Okay, citizens. The bad news is we passed Peak Syrup years ago and have now run out. The good news is conditions on Earth are so deplorable, space colonization will seem PLEASANT.|
|Psychic Gift (shame)||Masked Stranger: Winch trees strained powders oaf tot, ewe tan CAKE PEEPHOLES IN-PEAR-HOSED!!
/ Rabid: It's true! I can!! / <
|Psychic Gift (perfect expression)||Mysterious Stranger: Gnaw toucan elks-breast ewer tea-sighers PEAR-FUNKY!!
/ Rabid: That's awesome!! / Barista: What can I get for you today?
|Psychic Gift (fearless)||Strange Sign: Know logger shell ewe no farrah ninny canned! / Rabid: Awesome! Look out adventure, here I come! / Noel: You dare try to stop my horrible crimes!! / Rabid: I sure do! When none else dare!! / Noel: Fool!! / Dr Quickly: Relentless courage, and such bravery in coming forward! With the ultracriminal safely behind bars I proudly present you with our country's highest honour... and a kickass replica of Glamdring, Foe-Hammer. / Noel: You know what to do. / Crooked Cop: Yes, boss! / Rabid: Hey Rabish! They gave me another key to the city! Where should we put it? / Rabid: See, the flaw in your revenge plan is I'm not particularly concerned with consequence.|
|Frog Innuendo (shed)||Space Frog: OH YEAH GONNA CRAM A BIG ONE IN YOUR MOUTH / Dr Quickly: Yes, I am eating a large sandwich. / Space Frog: GOING DOWN ARE THE PEOPLE IN THIS ELEVATOR GOING DOWN / Dr Quickly: Yes, this elevator is descending. / Space Frog: HAVING FUN POUNDING ON YOUR ERECTION / Dr Quickly: It's a shed. / Space Frog: YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE FULL OF / Dr Quickly: Shut it. / Space Frog: PENIS|
|Frog Innuendo (workplace)||Dr Quickly: I am sick of your innuendoing in the workplace! Be more serious!!
/ Space Frog: YES BOSS OKAY NOW I AM SERIOUS / Rabid: I guess you learned your lesson the HARD WAY when the boss CAME DOWN on you!!
/ Space Frog: SORRY I'M SERIOUS NOW / Space Frog: TOO SERIOUS FOR ALL THESE IMPORTANT WORK EMAILS DELETE DELETE / <
|Frog Innuendo (agnosia)||Dr Quickly: Your constant innuendo is completely INFURIATING!! / Space Frog: WHAT / Dr Quickly: Ew!! / Rabid: Maybe something's wrong with your brain! / Dr Quickly: That's disgusting! Not you too!! / Rabish: Well it was hard to find, but it's apparently symptomatic of a very specific form of neurological damage. / Rabid: Show him the book so he can understand! / Dr Quickly: SMUT!! / Rabish: Uh oh... the diagnostic criteria specifically exclude visual agnosia! / Dr Quickly: So, about your classic "The Man who Mistook Everything for Innuendo"... Whatever happened to your patient German Q? Has his condition improved at all? / Rabish: Well... no. / Rabish: Nevertheless, he has gone on to lead a productive life in daytime television. / Dr Quickly: That's DISGUSTING!! Isn't that right, studio audience!!|
|Open Mic (frog and bees)||Dr Quickly: Okay folks! Going to try something different tonight... Welcome to the inaugural OPEN MIC night here at "Noel's Just Beans"!! First up, the magnificent SPACE FROG! / Space Frog: ACTUALLY MY STAGE NAME IS BUFO THE MAGNIFICENT HI I'M A WIZARD NOW LOOK AT THIS PERFECTLY NORMAL ORANGE / Space Frog: HOLY CRAP WHERE DID IT GO THAT'S RIGHT MAGIC
|Open Mic (D)||Dr Quickly: Alright! Welcome back to open mic night here at "Noel's Just Beans"! Hold on to your hats, because Noel and I are going to play a demonstration game of HIGH LEVEL CHESS!! / Noel: There is no way this is any fun for the audience. / Noel: CAN YOU ALL SEE THE BOARD NOW?!
/ Dr Quickly: I was about to get a goal!! / Dr Quickly: Fine okay. Now for a brief word from our event organizer, Nick.
/ Me: Hi everyone!! / Me: I'm really happy to see you all here. This is the five hundredth comic! (if you count number 278) That means this webcomic is the most amazing thing anyone has ever done. / Dr Quickly: I can't believe you did that.
/ Noel: Hee hee!
/ Space Frog: GOSH SPEECHES ARE ALMOST AS EXCITING AS CHESS
/ Sycophants: WOW YAY AWESOME / Tsamanatha: Wait -- is THAT Doctor Quickly? I'm confused.
/ Horsis: HEY / Me: So keep coming back! Thanks for participating! Buy some ad space!!
/ Lady Slug: Who is this guy? / Second Place Monster: I WANT A COFFEE / Li'l Beefy: I could have been so... popular.
/ Executioner: Popular? Do you know how many people read this?
/ Giant Space Frog: DOES THIS ESTABLISHMENT SERVE CAKE / Air-Dweller: Watch it, bozo!!
/ Cactus: Come here often?
/ Clerk: NO
/ Scary But Cute Baby Imitator: HEE HEE / Feltpad Multipak: How come HE got service?!
/ Bread Crab: Dude, that's Murderhavoc Souleater!
|Open Mic (flat beat)||Dr Quickly: Okay folks! Two more exciting demonstrations of spectacular talent!! First up! Rabot has a MUSICAL ADVENTURE!! / Rabot: Just... just follow the instructions on the screen. And make sure the lights sync up with the samples. / Rabish: It's asking for a cd key to reactivate? / Dr Quickly: ...not again... / Rabot: But... I installed the crack!! / Rabish: Ha ha! A pirate robot! Can I have a copy of YOU? / Rabot: That's not the same thing at all!! / Rabish: Hypocrite. / Rabot: Got no laptop, so I'll kick it a capella: Kick it so hard you'll be down on your patella! Robots regain POWer daily in the SHOWer! Our hygienic CREdo in our birthday tuxEdo: SHAMPOO FOR CHAPS LATHERING THEIR FLAPS WHILE STRAPPING YOUNG LASSES ARE SLAPPING THEIR ASSES. this is where a drum solo goes but the laptop broke so I'm hosed / Audience: BOO U RAPPIN' AWFUL UNSPLENDERIFIC I WANNA SEE THE SUPPOSITORY WALK!! / Rabot: I... I'm sorry. I knew I shouldn't have jumped on that cursed toad. / Dr Quickly: Sorry folks. It kicked ass in the dress rehearsal. Spent all day yesterday setting up the lights. One last act and you can go home. Noel's going to do a sword-swallowing routine!! Classic! / Noel: Hey, that spotlight's bright! Hey, uh, anyone out there! Hey so I don't have a mouth so I'll just stick this cocktail sword in my eye!! / Dr Quickly: I don't think we need to do this again any time soon. / Noel: OHHH THIS ISN'T COMFORTABLE AT ALL!!|
|Quickly Eats The Boss (undone)||Rabid: What are you doing? That's our world president!! / Dr Quickly: Who is? What?! / Dr Quickly: With the power vested in me by cannibalistic transitivity... I am pardoned!! / Space Frog: AN INELUCTABLE DECLARATION OF LAWFUL FACT / Dr Quickly: Greetings, scions of industry and great minds of the world. Thank you for attending my lecture, "EAT YOUR WAY TO THE TOP"!! / Dr Quickly: I am going to eat all of you. Don't worry! I'll refund the conference fee to your next-of-kin. / Rabot: But if you ate everybody, who is going to tip me? / Dr Quickly: Keep the coats, worm. / Rabot: Help! How do you open a rich person's coat?! / Rabid: Their greed was their undoing.|
|Quickly Eats The Boss (quaint)||Rabid: German! What have you done to the Dean?! / Dr Quickly: He thought he could expel me... well I'm going to expel him!! / Dr Quickly: It's a little-known rule that if the dean is brutally murdered, all students immediately graduate with a 4.0 grade point average. / Rabid: I certainly did not know that. / Space Frog: VALEDICTORIAN SHALL BE AWARDED TO THE VICTOR OF A QUOITS TOURNAMENT SINCE YOU ALL HAVE THE SAME GPA / Dr Quickly: Just as I planned!! / Dr Quickly: It's a little-known rule that igniting the hob is trump in quoits. / Rabid: What the hell are you even saying? / Space Frog: AS DEAN PRO TEM I DECLARE GERMAN QUICKLY CHAMPION AND THUS VALEDICTORIAN / Dr Quickly: My plan worked perfectly!! / Space Frog: IT IS A LITTLE KNOWN RULE THAT THE NEW DEAN IS INAUGURATED BY EATING THE OLD DEAN AND GUESS WHAT I FOUND OUT WHERE THE OLD DEAN WENT|
|Quickly Eats The Boss (investigation)||Rabid: Stop the pie line! There's been a terrible accident!! / Dr Quickly: Huh? / Rabot: Signs of a struggle, looks like it happened last night... but none of the footprints match Dr Quickly's. Only two pairs... very similar. / Rabot: Rabish already took payment on his life insurance?! / Noel: She said she had to leave town! / Rabot: Sorry about the misunderstanding, you're free to go. Do you need a ride? / Dr Quickly: No, uh, I will call a cab. / Rabid: There's a bit of a problem with your cut of the insurance money. / Dr Quickly: Why does it look like you're driving off a cliff? / Rabid: See, I'm just getting to that. / Rabid: Guess I don't need this any longer!!|
|Frustrating Device (lovebot)||Rabot: STOP FOLLOWING ME!!
/ Lovebot: But I love you!! / Rabot: I said leave me alone!!
|Frustrating Device (secret lens)||Rabot: I can't believe I forgot my wallet, I got all the way to the coffee shop and I didn't even notice that I forgot it until I was paying for my order. The only reason I even left the house was to get coffee. No, I need to be honest with myself. I only left the house to chat with the cute barista. I have coffee at home, plenty of coffee and milk, but I like the company. Is that so weird and bad? To enjoy the company of someone who seems so genuinely happy to see you? I want to feel good about going outside, and talking to her, but I just feel more sick and worried now than I did before I left. But I thought I had my wallet, then, so I guess that makes some sense. Why did I forget it? Am I subconciously sabotaging myself? Do I really think I have so big a chance with her that I have to screw it up this early on? I remember when it used to be so easy to talk to people and just go... / Rabot: So now I'm so timid I go out of my way to get coffee somewhere else even though I still have a perfectly good coffee machine of my own. Middle of the night and I know she's still there because this other place is on the way so I looked in the window! Oh no am I talking to myself out loud again? People must think I'm a crazy person. I probably smell like I never go outside. Does that have a smell? I wouldn't be able to tell. Maybe I'm drinking too much coffee. If I can cut back then I can make going out to her place a treat and it won't be a routine I sabotage myself out of performing like everything else I try to get myself to do. Maybe when I get home I'll make a list of the things I can change in my life to make it work better and I'll put it on my desk so that I see it all the time and remember always to do those things. I have to make some room on my desk, then. Oh crap I probably already have a list like that sitting on my desk. Probably three or four and I'm never going to be able to get / Rabot: Well there she is and it's the middle of the day so she won't assume that I'm some sort of stalker who comes in all the time because it's completely plausible I'm just coming in on my lunch break and that makes sense even if I did tell her I work from home because if I work from home and set up a lunch schedule that means I'm really disciplined and a nice person and get things done. What if she doesn't remember me? I spend a lot of time thinking about her and she almost certainly forgets about me the moment I walk away from the counter with my drink. I should go home. I need to go home I feel sick and I shouldn't have left the house. I'm tired and I will probably have to sit on a bench in the park on the way home and what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I have to tear everything to pieces in my head? When did I start this horrible habit of telling myself stories about how completely pointless my life is? Didn't I use to have friends? I would be able to call them up and talk to them and invite them out for fun and talking and I can't even manage to reply to them on facebook when they try, every few months, to get back in touch with me. Was there ever a time I could just go up to people and start talking to them and be a normal friendly person? Was there ever a time in my life I felt any other way but like this? I can't tell, I can't tell and I need to go home I'm so tired and I can hardly stand up oh please don't let me fall down not here no / Rabot: Plugging in again. Is that all I do any more? The only thing I do that even remotely resembles life? I just sit at home and plug in over and over again because I can't find the energy to do anything else. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe this is a depression and this is what it is like and it would explain so much but so what? How am I supposed to do anything now to change it? It's too late. I'm stuck in this hole that I dug for myself. I dug this hole for myself. If I had had more courage or willpower I wouldn't have wasted all my potential. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe this is depression. I wish I still had a friend I could talk to about this so they could help me and I could stop feeling like this all the time. But I don't have any friends any more because I stopped talking to them so that I could ruin my life by making a hole to live in. Why isn't my battery charging? I'm going to be sitting here forever. I'll be here when they shut off the power to my house because I don't have any way to pay the power bill and they'll find me and they'll say "Oh, a depressed robot. It's always so sad when they end up like this and they didn't have any friends so noone could help them. So sad."? and maybe one of the people I used to talk to will see an obituary for me and think "Didn't I know a robot with that name? I haven't talked to him in so long I should look him up."? but of course they forget to right away. / Dr Quickly: You're not depressed! I installed a new self-reflection lens in you; it must be over-focused and draining your power too fast. I'll adjust it for you. / <
|Frustrating Device (transitivity)||Rabot: Oh come on, just heat up my soup!! How hard could it be?! / Rabot: Dr Quickly, your microwave isn't working. Doctor? / Rabot: So then maybe if I set this thing to... "bland"... / Dr Quickly: Please stop playing with it.
/ Rabot: Hee hee! / Rabot: Okay, now to make my soup... BORING and LAME! / Dr Quickly: Good call, ROBO-DUDE
|Space Watch (froglife)||Space Frog: OH NO MY SPACE WATCH IS SPACE BROKEN / Space Frog: AND THAT IS WHY I AM LATE NOW / Rabish: Well the movie already started, so let's skip ahead to dinner. / Space Frog: WHOOPS I SPACE FORGOT MY SPACE WALLET / Space Frog: I ALSO SPACE FORGOT MY SPACE CONTRACEPTIVES / Rabish: Oh, you thought you were coming upstairs? Ha! / Space Frog: PLEASE LEAVE POSITIVE SPACE FEEDBACK ON MY INTERNET SPACE DATING PROFILE / Space Frog: OH NO I MADE IT IN TIME BECAUSE MY PREVIOUS DATE ENDED EARLY / Rabid: I already got you a ticket! / Space Frog: THAT WILL HAVE TO DO|
|Space Watch (letterman)||Space Frog: OH NO MY SPACE WATCH IS SPACE BROKEN / Rabid: Phew! That had to be a world record. How was my time? / Space Frog: UH GOOD YOUR TIME WAS JUST FINE / Rabid: That does it! You're fired!! And I quit!! / Space Frog: GASP NO / Dr Quickly: But you're our top athlete and the varsity match is in two days! / Noel: I have two days to become proficient at croquet, parkour, show jumping, krav maga, and sprints? / Dr Quickly: You'll get a varsity letter and be popular. / Noel: ... I'd like that. / Rabish: Oh dear, the bus ambulance is having trouble making it onto the field. / Noel: Did... did I earn my letter? / Dr Quickly: Of course not!! / Space Frog: DID I MISS THE SPORT CONTEST WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN BLOOD / Dr Quickly: There's always next year.|
|Space Watch (timepiece)||Space Frog: LOOK MY SPACE WATCH CAN TELL TIME EVEN WHEN IT IS UPSIDE DOWN / Rabid: Not very well: it's only 2:30 and your watch says it's eight. / Space Frog: PLEASE FIX IT CAN YOU FIX IT / Dr Quickly: Probably. / Space Frog: HOW ABOUT NOW HUH / Rabid: "Hog"? Is that even a time?! / Space Frog: I AM BLAMING YOU FOR MY HUMILIATION AND AM FURIOUS SO I DEMAND YOU PARTICIPATE IN MY OWN SOLUTION / Dr Quickly: Do you EVER brush your teeth?! / Rabid: So... what time is it? / Space Frog: UHHH LET ME CHECK / Dr Quickly: Seven fourteen. / Space Frog: SEVEN FOURTEEN / Rabid: Awesome!|
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