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Presidents Day (No Apostrophe I Guess) Lincoln: Hooray, it's Presidents Day! It's like double birthdays every year! / Washington: Man, everyone knows today is really just the celebration for my birthday. No one cares about your dumb loser self. / Lincoln: If that were true, wouldn't they just call it Washington Day or something. / Washington:...
Lincoln's Navigator [[Ichlor, Fishy Fish God of Fish, looks over the map he is reading]] / Ichlor: Left! You go left! Why you not go Left!? / [[Abe Lincoln behind steering wheel, looks on with an annoyed expression]] / Abe: I CAN'T GO LEFT IT IS ONE WAY / [[Ichlor still looks on over his map]] / Ichlor: Oh then uh... go...
Insidious Stratagems Lincoln: So wait. Otto von Bismarck said he has a spy among us. But who could it be? / Rasputin: Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't really seem like it could be any three of us. / Zombie Mark Twain: The dude is a master of manipulation. He probably just said that to try and turn us against each other. / Lincoln:...
The Road to Peace [[Abraham "Thinkin'" Lincoln's disembodied head speaks.]] / Lincoln: So there's this Tom Waits song, right, called "Road to Peace," and it's about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. / Lincoln: It has one verse that ends with the words "leaving only blackened skeletons," right? And it has another one...
Service with a Smile (etc.) Abe Lincoln: Have you guys noticed this thing lately, like a trend, where people at fast food places are being extra friendly? / George Washington: You mean like how when I go to Jack in the Lantern now, the cashier is like "Hi, how is your day going, sir?" / Abe Lincoln: Yeah, exactly! I went to...
 
Affairs of the Heart Abe Lincoln: Son... it's my heart, son. You must carry on my legacy now... / Robert Todd Lincoln (Abe Lincoln's son): What are you talking about? Dad, you're already dead. And where would you even keep a heart? / Abe Lincoln: *Hurk!* [[Lincoln throws up heart]] / [[heart on the floor]] / Robert...
The Creative Process Lincoln: Dude guys we need to write some songs for our next Palsy Dolphin album. Any ideas? / Elizabeth: Where's George? Make him write some. / Lincoln: George is getting his floozy on with some groupies at the moment and is indisposed. / Elizabeth: Well, why don't we let Rasputin write some songs...
The Staff of Life Lincoln: Man, I really love bread. It is maybe the best of all possible foods. There are so many good kinds, there's something for everyone with bread. / Lincoln: Dark breads, sour breads, breads as hard as rocks. White breads, flat breads, even breads with chicken pox! / Poe: Ew! Pox bread? Does...
Hoarse from Yelling Lincoln: George!!! Are you still in there??? / Washington [[not visible]]: Yes, dangit! Leave me alone for two seconds and I might be able to finish! / Lincoln: C'mooooon! I have to whiz like some kind of crazy whizzing beast! / Horse: We're CALLED racehorses. / And no budging. I'm next. / {{Title...
Secretariat Lincoln: Whoa, hey! You're that horse Secretariat, aren't you? / Secretariat: Yes. / Lincoln: Wow! Some say you're the greatest racehorse who ever lived! / Secretariat: Yep. / Lincoln: I don't know how great you can really be though with a name like Secretariat. I mean, it's kind of a weird name,...
 
Can ya dig? Who's the ex-president that's a tubba-lard to all the gents / TAFT! / Taft: What? Where's that singing coming from? / Who is the man who eat a turkey neck for his brother man? / TAFT! / Taft: I... guess I would... / Who's the cat who can't get out when there's bathtubs all about / TAFT! / Taft: That's a...
Shotgun! Lincoln: Hey! Who's up for delicious burrito excursion? I'll drive! / Hannibal Hamlin: SHOTGUN! / Washington: Dude, what are you doing? You can't call shotgun yet. / Hamlin: What? Why not? / Washington: Uh, because basically none of the call conditions have been met? It hasn't been the full...
AbeSpace Lincoln: Hey dudes! Have you heard about this awesome website on the internet MySpace? I just signed up! All the coolest dudes and ladies are on it I heard. / Washington: Are you joking? You're not joking. You JUST found out about MySpace? How is that even possible? / Lincoln: You know me! Always into...
Enter the Tesla Lincoln: Hey Edison! You around? I was thinking, can you invent a kind of peanut butter that doesn't stick to the roof of— / [[Edison is to the left and Tesla is floating at the right. Edison doesn't seem pleased.]] / Lincoln: Oh, I see you have company. Hey, aren't you Nikola Tesla! / Tesla (fading...
Old Friends Twain: Yo, Abe! I heard my good buddy Tesla is around! That true? / Lincoln: Yeah, dude! I guess he's made out of electric now and he's hittin' up Edison for 50 large! / Twain: Hot dog! Made out of electric you say? And it sounds like he's finally getting his financials in order! / Twain: Well shoot!...
 
The Electric Duel Lincoln (thinking): I bet there is no way to peel a banan using only your tongue. That would be so ace though. / Rasputin: Abe, come quick! Tesla challenged Edison to a duel over that money he says Edison owes him! / *Entire cast is gathered around Tesla and Edison, who dons a light bulb hat.* / Lincoln:...
Tesla's Revenge [[Lincoln is SHOCKED!]] / HOLY CRAPPING POOPS / [[Washington turns up behind Lincoln and the HOLY CRAPPING POOPS]] / Washington: Well, your "holy crapping poops" sign is finally appropriate. / Edison (bounding in): Ha ha! I have fooled you all! Tesla, you idiot! You thought you'd won, but all you've...
Four Square Lincoln: Dang, you know what I just realized? I may never get to play Four Square ever again. That is like, the express train to Bummer City. / Amelia: Four Square? The game where four people bounce a ball around in a square and stuff? Was that even around when you were a kid? / Lincoln: Probably not,...
Constituent Components [[Lincoln pinches Queen Elizabeth]] / <> / The Queen: OI! / The Queen: You pinched me! What do you think you're doing!? / Lincoln: Listen, baby, you knew from the start that I'm part crab! Yes sir, the heart of a pinchy crustacean beats in this manly chest of mine. / The Queen: Do crabs even...
Snake vs. President Lincoln: Hey snake! I'm gonna fight you. / Snake: Sssss what? Why?? / [[Earlier:]] / Freud: I'm gonna prescribe you some life goals because I heard that is "in" right now. / [[OH WAIT FIGHTING:]] / <> / {{Lincoln and the snake fight. Lincoln wins with the snake in his mouth.}} / {{A...
 
The Unicorn/Pony Dilemma Lincoln: I can't decide what's better: ponies or unicorns. / Lincoln: This is a pretty serious moral dilemma! On the one hand, ponies are real and unicorns aren't. But on the other hand, unicorns can fly. / Poe: Unicorns can't fly. That's the Pegasus. Anyway, that isn't even a moral dilemma. It's like...almost...
Shackleton Abe: So I says to Mabel, I says... / Darwin: As you know, beavers can't talk... / Amelia: Actually, Aqua Man has other powers- / Shackleton: All right you filthy fairies. You're in Shackleton's way, and he's givin' you to the count of zilch to get out of it.
On the Run Amelia Earhart: Abe, why are we running like this? It's crazy! This is all so crazy! / Abraham Lincoln: You saw what he did to Darwin and Raspy! Keep moving. / Amelia Earhart: Why is that man even chasing us! / Abraham Lincoln: Chasing us? He's not chasing us. That's Earnest Shackleton, famed explorer...
THE END [[Lincoln's head floats over a mountain. The words The and End are on either side of him.]] / The End
American Graffiti Lincoln: pssst, george. hey george! / Washington: what / Lincoln: Wanna go be some bad dudes and make a graffiti. / Washington: All right. / {{Panel Title: SOON}} / [[Brick background with blue graffiti of poop - text under poop reads "IT IS A POOP"]] / Lincoln: YES. / THIS IS QUITE BAD. / BUT I CAN...
 
A Change of 'Art Lincoln: George! I have had a change of heart! Graffiti is bad! We must abandon the evil ways of our past and turn a new leaf! / Washington: Sucks to that. / Lincoln: Fine, be that way. But I am going to make amends! I will seek out graffiti and graffiti that graffiti to make the graffitier look...
The Annotated Idiot Abe: Ugh! So annoying! / Abe: I bought this book used for a class I'm taking and it's all full of writing from its previous owners. / José: Oh really? I usually like it when that happens. It means your book is full of notes but you didn't have to make them! / Abe: Normally, I would too. But the people...
Pets Do the Darndest Things [[Mewsevelt spies a butterfly.]] / [[JAZZ HANDS]] / [[Mewsevelt catches the butterfly in his paws.]] / [[Mewsevelt holds the terrified butterfly.]] / Lincoln[[to an aghast Amelia Airheart]]: So that's when I gave him a good squirt from the 'ol spray bottle for trying to eat the butterfly's soul out. Pets...
After [[Abe peers over a hill to see the words "THE END" written backwards in the sky]] / Abe: Okay... the words "THE END" seem to be floating hundreds of feet in the air. That's a little strange... / Abe: Oh no! Amelia / [[ELSEWHERE:]] / Amelia: I don't understand how I can still be in your way!
Abe Aid [[Amelia is being pushed towards the edge of a cliff by Shackleton.]] / [[MEANWHILE:]] / Abe: Dr. Love! Are you here? I need your help! / Dr. Love: Don't fret, baaay-bay! The doctor is here! Whatcho prollem, baaay-bay? / Abe: Crocodile with a beard! It's Amelia! Shackleton has her! Can you use some...
 

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