You're browsing the archives of Thinkin' Lincoln.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Presidents Day (No Apostrophe I Guess) | Lincoln: Hooray, it's Presidents Day! It's like double birthdays every year! / Washington: Man, everyone knows today is really just the celebration for my birthday. No one cares about your dumb loser self. / Lincoln: If that were true, wouldn't they just call it Washington Day or something. / Washington: Actually, the holiday is officially just for my birthday, according to the federal government, and lots of states call it Washington Day or Washington's Birthday. Some states do include you in the holiday, but mostly Presidents Day is an invention of marketing people who wanted to have sales in February. / Lincoln: Well, I've always said that marketers are the underappreciated heroes of America. / Lincoln: They turn lies into money! Truly they are living the American Dream! / {{Title text: I am an American and I work at a marketing firm. It's like how black people can use the n-word.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=389 |
| Lincoln's Navigator | [[Ichlor, Fishy Fish God of Fish, looks over the map he is reading]]
/ Ichlor: Left! You go left! Why you not go Left!? / [[Abe Lincoln behind steering wheel, looks on with an annoyed expression]]
/ Abe: I CAN'T GO LEFT IT IS ONE WAY / [[Ichlor still looks on over his map]]
/ Ichlor: Oh then uh... go straight then take a right at the next light. / [[Skeptically listening, Abe drives on]]
/ Abe: Okay, I'm taking the right. I hope you know what you're do---- / [[A baby blue sedan has plunged hoodfirst into the water. The sedan has a license plate which reads, "MRLNCN", and has a somewhat illegible bumpersticker to the right of the plate.]]
/ Abe: Ichlor, we are in the water now.
/ Ichlor: Yup! Oh, we trying go someplace else? / [[Close up on bumpersticker... It reads in large text followed by small" ICHLOR IS MY COPILOT. he is really sucky at it you guys."]] / {{Title: Lincoln's Navigator}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=390 |
| Insidious Stratagems | Lincoln: So wait. Otto von Bismarck said he has a spy among us. But who could it be? / Rasputin: Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't really seem like it could be any three of us. / Zombie Mark Twain: The dude is a master of manipulation. He probably just said that to try and turn us against each other. / Lincoln: Guys what if it's von Bismarck himself somehow hiding among us! / Rasputin: That wouldn't make any sense. How could he be spying on us and also reporting to himself elsewhere? Besides, he has that huge moustache and that shiny hat with the big pointy spike. How could we possibly not recognize him? / [[Otto von Bismarck wearing two glasses-and-silly-moustache disguise-thingies]]
/ Otto von Bismarck: He probably has like all kinds of elite spy disguises! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=391 |
| The Road to Peace | [[Abraham "Thinkin'" Lincoln's disembodied head speaks.]] / Lincoln: So there's this Tom Waits song, right, called "Road to Peace," and it's about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. / Lincoln: It has one verse that ends with the words "leaving only blackened skeletons," right? And it has another one that goes, "Tell me why are we arming the Israeli army with guns and tanks and bullets." / Lincoln: But in my HEAD it keeps going around and around as "Tell me why we are arming the Israeli army with guns and tanks and skeletons!" Isn't that a pretty hilarious idea? / [[William Shakespeare's skeletal head, looking distressed as usual, speaks.]] / Shakespeare: Well, uh, well, I guess I gotta say that it is an idea that is really pretty offensive to my people even though, uh, well, I don't-I mean no disrespect to your fleshed culture... / [[The view returns to Lincoln's head. He appears shocked and/or baffled.]] / Lincoln: You really don't think it's funny? Like if the US is supplying Israelis with undead soldiers to fight in the conflict? I mean- / [[View shifts again to Shakespeare, who looks more distressed and trails off as he speaks.]] / Shakespeare: But I guess, uh, I'm just a big ol' jerky hypocrite because sometimes I get that Who song Magic Bus stuck in my head all like / "Too much, Magic Butt! I want it, I want it, I want it..." / which probably is offensive to your people /
/ {{title: William why are you always offending people in your mind you KNOW your mother told you not to do that well you just better dunk your old head my gosh William how can you be so inconsiderate!}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=392 |
| Service with a Smile (etc.) | Abe Lincoln: Have you guys noticed this thing lately, like a trend, where people at fast food places are being extra friendly? / George Washington: You mean like how when I go to Jack in the Lantern now, the cashier is like "Hi, how is your day going, sir?" / Abe Lincoln: Yeah, exactly! I went to Taco Hut the other day and the guy at the drive though was like, "Hey, hey, hey! Welcome to Taco Hut!" / George Washington: Dude, I hate it. You're all like "Yeah, can I get a Jumbo - wait, what? Uh, I'm fine, thanks...a-and yourself?" Man, I don't need your phoney small-talk, fast food guy! I just want hamburgers! / Abe Lincoln: Yeah, seriously. I think it's getting out of hand. I went to Burger Monarch recently and the cashier lady said the color of my beard makes my skin glow. / {{Panel Title: RECENTLY...}}
/ Cashier [[unseen]]: When your beard is the right color, it brings out the color of your skin and makes it glow!
/ Abe Lincoln: h-hamburgers? / {{Title text: A lady working at a fast food place really told me that the color of my shirt made my skin glow one time.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=393 |
| Affairs of the Heart | Abe Lincoln: Son... it's my heart, son. You must carry on my legacy now... / Robert Todd Lincoln (Abe Lincoln's son): What are you talking about? Dad, you're already dead. And where would you even keep a heart? / Abe Lincoln: *Hurk!* [[Lincoln throws up heart]] / [[heart on the floor]] / Robert Lincoln: What the jeepers!? We are floating heads! How did he have a heart in there?? / Robert Lincoln: You're talking to yourself, RT. Get a grip. / Robert Lincoln: I wonder what else in in there, though... / Robert Lincoln: Gross! There are lungs in there! And intestines!
/ And...is that a child's tricycle? http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=394 |
| The Creative Process | Lincoln: Dude guys we need to write some songs for our next Palsy Dolphin album. Any ideas? / Elizabeth: Where's George? Make him write some. / Lincoln: George is getting his floozy on with some groupies at the moment and is indisposed. / Elizabeth: Well, why don't we let Rasputin write some songs for a change!
/ Rasputin: Yeah! I'm a good songwriter! / Lincoln: Yeah, right, let the drummer write songs? Do you really think our fans want to hear a bunch of songs about what are the best drumsticks to buy?
/ Unidentified voice: I wouldn't- / Lincoln: All right, forget it. Our next album is just going to be a theme album about what life would be like if everyone had the psychic power to eat a hotdog with their mind. / {{Title text: Remember all those songs Ringo wrote about what are the best drumsticks to buy?}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=395 |
| The Staff of Life | Lincoln: Man, I really love bread. It is maybe the best of all possible foods. There are so many good kinds, there's something for everyone with bread. / Lincoln: Dark breads, sour breads, breads as hard as rocks. White breads, flat breads, even breads with chicken pox! / Poe: Ew! Pox bread? Does that exist? / Lincoln: Anyway, do you know who can bite a toad? That Atkins guy can bite a toad. Bread is old school! It is the staff of life. In fact, I think I'm going to eat only bread from now on. / Poe: Actually, if you don't eat anything besides bread, you'll die of scurvy.
/ True story. / Lincoln: BRING
/ IT
/ SISTER / {{Title text: Thinkin' Lincoln: on the cutting edge of making Atkins jokes after the fad is pretty much over.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=396 |
| Hoarse from Yelling | Lincoln: George!!! Are you still in there???
/ Washington [[not visible]]: Yes, dangit! Leave me alone for two seconds and I might be able to finish! / Lincoln: C'mooooon! I have to whiz like some kind of crazy whizzing beast! / Horse: We're CALLED racehorses.
/ And no budging. I'm next. / {{Title text: I wrote this while I was waiting in line to pee. Well, not really. Actually, I was talking to my friend Ryan. ATTN: RYAN FITZGERALD: FYI CONVERSATIONS WITH YOU ARE LIKE WAITING TO PEE}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=397 |
| Secretariat | Lincoln: Whoa, hey! You're that horse Secretariat, aren't you? / Secretariat: Yes. / Lincoln: Wow! Some say you're the greatest racehorse who ever lived! / Secretariat: Yep. / Lincoln: I don't know how great you can really be though with a name like Secretariat. I mean, it's kind of a weird name, but not really up to weird racehorse name standards. I mean your name doesn't really have anything on the greats like Dust Commander or Jet Pilot or Behave Yourself, or my favorite, the Kentucky Derby winner from a few years ago, Smarty Jones. / Secretariat: Look, do you realize this is a single-occupancy bathroom? / {{Title text: Smarty Jones is a truly excellent name for a horse, I hope you will agree.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=398 |
| Can ya dig? | Who's the ex-president that's a tubba-lard to all the gents
/ TAFT!
/ Taft: What? Where's that singing coming from? / Who is the man who eat a turkey neck for his brother man?
/ TAFT!
/ Taft: I... guess I would... / Who's the cat who can't get out when there's bathtubs all about
/ TAFT!
/ Taft: That's a joke about when I got stuck in the Whitehouse bathtub. I get it. / You see, this Taft cat is one fat mother-
/ SHUT YO MOUTH!
/ But I'm talkin' bout Taft!
/ Taft: Yes, I'd noticed! / He's a complicated man and no one understands him but his ice cream
/ WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT!
/ Taft: You know what? I'm leaving. I don't have to take this. / [[Taft exits refrigerator - refrigerator has two sheets of paper on door]]
/ [[Sheets put together read:
/ LINCOLN'S
/ FOOD
/ KEEP OUT
/ TAFT!]] / {{Title text: Isaac Hayes is spinning in his grave. This is especially bad considering he wasn't even dead prior to my publishing this comic.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=399 |
| Shotgun! | Lincoln: Hey! Who's up for delicious burrito excursion? I'll drive! / Hannibal Hamlin: SHOTGUN! / Washington: Dude, what are you doing? You can't call shotgun yet. / Hamlin: What? Why not? / Washington: Uh, because basically none of the call conditions have been met? It hasn't been the full 120 seconds since the outing announcement was made, none of us is in visual range of the vehicle, no one's initiated call protocol, etc, etc.
/ Hamlin: Y-you just made those rules up! / Lincoln: Sorry dude, but this stuff is pretty explicitly codified in the dudes hang out rules.
/ [[image of brown book titled "DUDES HANG OUT RULES" next to Lincoln]] / [[panel filled with text outlining said rules on shotgun procedure]]
/ [[... or platypus. / 47. Call Conditions
/ Let it be stated that none shall be considered the victor of the Contention without these following conditions being met:
/ 47.a All shotgun contenders (see rule 63 for more information on qualified contenders) must be within a distance at which all contenders can make visual contact with the outing vehicle, with an exception being made only in the case of a visually impaired contender (see rule 53.b).
/ 47.b Before a call can be made, the Call Protocol must be initiated. The protocol consists of 4 steps:
/ 1. A contender must state Intent to Initiate. The first to make this statement (ties to be adjudicated by the Driver – see rule 32) is now the lead contender and is responsible for ensuring the protocol is followed correctly.
/ 2. The lead contender now shouts "Ballyhoo, me lads!" after which all contenders must scream the most offensive expletive or short phrase they can muster. The contenders then vote on the winner, with ties adjudicated by the driver. No Ballyhoo Shout is eligible to win more than two consecutive Contentions unless a vote of at ... ]] / {{Title text: It's hard to argue with explicit codification. I mean, it WAS ratified by a 2/3 majority after all.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=400 |
| AbeSpace | Lincoln: Hey dudes! Have you heard about this awesome website on the internet MySpace? I just signed up! All the coolest dudes and ladies are on it I heard. / Washington: Are you joking? You're not joking. You JUST found out about MySpace? How is that even possible? / Lincoln: You know me! Always into the latest hip trends and cool happenings! / Washington: Dude, MySpace is older than digital dirt. It's so far beyond cool, I'm pretty sure it's 90% grandmas on there now. / Lincoln: Oh, uh, yeah, I knew that! But like, uh, it was so lame that I never signed up, but now it's gone out the other side of lame and has become like ironically cool! / Washington: No, man, look. It started out pretty lame, then it was cool for a while, then it got popular and therefor lame, then it got ironically cool, then that got popular and therefor lame and now the site is strictly grandmas. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=401 |
| Enter the Tesla | Lincoln: Hey Edison! You around? I was thinking, can you invent a kind of peanut butter that doesn't stick to the roof of— / [[Edison is to the left and Tesla is floating at the right. Edison doesn't seem pleased.]] / Lincoln: Oh, I see you have company. Hey, aren't you Nikola Tesla! / Tesla (fading out): Yes, I am. But I was just leaving. / Lincoln: Wow, that fade-out effect was cool. What was that about, anyway?
/ Edison: Oh, he was just gloating about how he's a being of pure energy now. Plus he wants the 50,000 bucks I said I'd give him. / Edison: Doesn't he understand that I was lying when I said that? http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=402 |
| Old Friends | Twain: Yo, Abe! I heard my good buddy Tesla is around! That true? / Lincoln: Yeah, dude! I guess he's made out of electric now and he's hittin' up Edison for 50 large! / Twain: Hot dog! Made out of electric you say? And it sounds like he's finally getting his financials in order! / Twain: Well shoot! I oughtta find the old rascal and pat him on the back! You know where he's at? / Tesla (emitting supreme electric power): I am here, old friend. I am everywhere. / Lincoln: Wow, everywhere? Are you even riding the roller coaster at Magic Adventure Park right now?
/ Tesla (not on screen): Yes. But a little girl keeps screaming, and it irritates me. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=403 |
| The Electric Duel | Lincoln (thinking): I bet there is no way to peel a banan using only your tongue. That would be so ace though.
/ Rasputin: Abe, come quick! Tesla challenged Edison to a duel over that money he says Edison owes him!
/ *Entire cast is gathered around Tesla and Edison, who dons a light bulb hat.*
/ Lincoln: Nice light bulb hat, Edison. Man, he is so boned.
/ Washington: Fo' reazy.
/ *Tesla electrocutes Edison*
/ Lincoln (in large, bold letters): HOLY CRAPPING POOPS http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=404 |
| Tesla's Revenge | [[Lincoln is SHOCKED!]]
/ HOLY CRAPPING POOPS / [[Washington turns up behind Lincoln and the HOLY CRAPPING POOPS]]
/ Washington: Well, your "holy crapping poops" sign is finally appropriate. / Edison (bounding in): Ha ha! I have fooled you all! Tesla, you idiot! You thought you'd won, but all you've done is destroy a mechanical duplicate! / Tesla: I know. I watched you build it. I also know that it cost you more than $50,000 to make. / Edison: Uh - I - er... well, but - / Twain: Look, who cares. Will someone PLEASE explain why he's wearing that ridiculous hat? / Darwin: Gentlemen, please forgive Twain. He knows not the ways of science. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=405 |
| Four Square | Lincoln: Dang, you know what I just realized? I may never get to play Four Square ever again. That is like, the express train to Bummer City. / Amelia: Four Square? The game where four people bounce a ball around in a square and stuff? Was that even around when you were a kid? / Lincoln: Probably not, but no one cares about that, Amelia. The POINT is that it's a game adults just don't play, yet it is very awesome! / Amelia: Aw, I'm sure if you really tried you could find 3 other people to play with you. Check the internet—I bet there are whole websites about this! / Lincoln: Oh, that wouldn't be enough. You could PLAY with only 4, but I remember when I was a young'un and you'd have like 30 kids lined up for when some poor sucker got out. I remember the ambition in their eyes as they imagined themselves dethroning the Lincolnator. But they were not ready for my wicked Baby Drop Maneuver, my unstopable Airplane Slam, my insidious Snake-Eyed Switch... / Lincoln: And nothing could prepare them for my signature move, the Taste Your Face Maneuver. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=406 |
| Constituent Components | [[Lincoln pinches Queen Elizabeth]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=407 |
| Snake vs. President | Lincoln: Hey snake! I'm gonna fight you. / Snake: Sssss what? Why?? / [[Earlier:]]
/ Freud: I'm gonna prescribe you some life goals because I heard that is "in" right now. / [[OH WAIT FIGHTING:]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=408 |
| The Unicorn/Pony Dilemma | Lincoln: I can't decide what's better: ponies or unicorns. / Lincoln: This is a pretty serious moral dilemma! On the one hand, ponies are real and unicorns aren't. But on the other hand, unicorns can fly. / Poe: Unicorns can't fly. That's the Pegasus. Anyway, that isn't even a moral dilemma. It's like...almost a regular dilemma. / Lincoln: No way! It's probably the greatest moral dilemma of our generation! / Poe: Do you even know what moral dilemma means? / Lincoln: Yes! Look! I'm having one right now! / [[Lincoln makes a face of utmost concentration, shutting his eyes frowning]] / [[Lincoln puckers his lips and wobbles back and forth]] / [[Lincoln does that thing where it looks like there is a few of you, but there is , like, actually only one with some transparent extra?]] / [[Lincoln makes an angry face, clenches his jaw, and moves forward at full speed]] / {{title text - Moral dilemmas are all about making faces. THE GOVERNMENT DOES NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=409 |
| Shackleton | Abe: So I says to Mabel, I says...
/ Darwin: As you know, beavers can't talk...
/ Amelia: Actually, Aqua Man has other powers-
/ Shackleton: All right you filthy fairies. You're in Shackleton's way, and he's givin' you to the count of zilch to get out of it. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=410 |
| On the Run | Amelia Earhart: Abe, why are we running like this? It's crazy! This is all so crazy!
/ Abraham Lincoln: You saw what he did to Darwin and Raspy! Keep moving. / Amelia Earhart: Why is that man even chasing us!
/ Abraham Lincoln: Chasing us? He's not chasing us. That's Earnest Shackleton, famed explorer and one of the hardest badass mofos to ever touch a planet. He's not chasing us. We're in his way. / Abraham Lincoln: Come on. Up here! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=411 |
| THE END | [[Lincoln's head floats over a mountain. The words The and End are on either side of him.]] / The End http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=412 |
| American Graffiti | Lincoln: pssst, george. hey george! / Washington: what / Lincoln: Wanna go be some bad dudes and make a graffiti.
/ Washington: All right. / {{Panel Title: SOON}}
/ [[Brick background with blue graffiti of poop - text under poop reads "IT IS A POOP"]] / Lincoln: YES. / THIS IS QUITE BAD. / BUT I CAN DO IT BADDER. / [[Brick background with poop - new text to the right of poop reads "YOU LIKE THIS"]] / {{Title text: You are a dirty poop-liker I bet}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=413 |
| A Change of 'Art | Lincoln: George! I have had a change of heart! Graffiti is bad! We must abandon the evil ways of our past and turn a new leaf!
/ Washington: Sucks to that. / Lincoln: Fine, be that way. But I am going to make amends! I will seek out graffiti and graffiti that graffiti to make the graffitier look stupid! This is my plan! / [[graffiti heart reads "Jerry + Sandy" - Lincoln's countergraffiti reads "Get a ROOM! You 2 R UGLY (I bet)]] / [[graffiti reads "TREVOR was HERE" - Lincoln's countergraffiti reads "But then he left cuz every 1 was all like "What a lame dude"]] / [[Lincoln with spray paint and burglar mask]]
/ Lincoln: Ha ha! The Graffiti Avenger strikes again! / [[graffiti reads "YOU ARE NOT A BEAUTIFUL SNOWFLAKE" - Lincoln's countergraffiti reads "NO DUH SNOWFLAKES CAN'T EVEN READ]] / {{Title text: I just remembered there is an SNL skit kinda like this. OH WELL}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=414 |
| The Annotated Idiot | Abe: Ugh! So annoying!
/ Abe: I bought this book used for a class I'm taking and it's all full of writing from its previous owners.
/ José: Oh really? I usually like it when that happens. It means your book is full of notes but you didn't have to make them!
/ Abe: Normally, I would too. But the people writing in here are seriously so dumb. Like on this page, they've circled a number of random single words, including "the" in one spot, and then in one sentence that explains how a guy is this girl's dad, they've drawn a number of arrows between the names and written "FAMILY" and then, inexplicably, "RACEST??" [sic].
/ [[LINCOLN SMASH!]]
/ [[Abe throws the book "CHUCK!" and it comes back to hit him "ow"]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=415 |
| Pets Do the Darndest Things | [[Mewsevelt spies a butterfly.]]
/ [[JAZZ HANDS]]
/ [[Mewsevelt catches the butterfly in his paws.]]
/ [[Mewsevelt holds the terrified butterfly.]]
/ Lincoln[[to an aghast Amelia Airheart]]: So that's when I gave him a good squirt from the 'ol spray bottle for trying to eat the butterfly's soul out. Pets eh! Eh! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=416 |
| After | [[Abe peers over a hill to see the words "THE END" written backwards in the sky]]
/ Abe: Okay... the words "THE END" seem to be floating hundreds of feet in the air. That's a little strange...
/ Abe: Oh no! Amelia
/ [[ELSEWHERE:]]
/ Amelia: I don't understand how I can still be in your way! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=417 |
| Abe Aid | [[Amelia is being pushed towards the edge of a cliff by Shackleton.]]
/ [[MEANWHILE:]]
/ Abe: Dr. Love! Are you here? I need your help!
/ Dr. Love: Don't fret, baaay-bay! The doctor is here! Whatcho prollem, baaay-bay?
/ Abe: Crocodile with a beard! It's Amelia! Shackleton has her! Can you use some of your Voodoo Magicks™ or something to save her?
/ Dr. Love: Daaang, baaay-bay! Shackleton is one bad-news dude! I heard tell dude was whittled from the bone of Cain by the angry mountains, set ever to torment the land-borne.
/ Dr. Love: Now that I think about it though that sounds pretty made-up. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=418 |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 >>