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| POLITICAL CARTOON | Abe: Man, I should get a job drawing political cartoons. What a total scam! All you do is draw whatver you want and put arbitrary labels on it and BAM! it's automatically political! / POLITICAL CARTOON, CRIME RATE, USA, TEEN PREGNANCY, DEFICIT
/ [[Abe's Cartoon: Crocodile labeled "USA" wearing a helmet labeled "CRIME RATE" riding a skateboard labeled "DEFICIT" into a mailbox labeled "TEEN PREGNANCY"]] / {{alt text: The mailbox represents teen pregnancy.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=539 |
| Cartoon Physics | Edison: Haha man, you should check out this article in today's paper. This journalist apparently has about a cartoon level understanding of physics. They should really not let journalists talk about science, like, ever. / Abe: I dunno, man. Sometimes I kinda think maybe cartoon physics are real! / Edison: Um, what. No, they arent. They are not real. / Abe: Nah, man! Think about it, they kinda are. I mean, obviously you can't run off a cliff and not fall just because you didn't notice and stuff like that, but I think there's a kernel of truth there. I mean, like, a lot of times perception really can change reality, and - / Edison: YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S REAL? A PUNCH IN THE FACE IS REAL! HOW ABOUT A FRIGGIN' SCIENCE LESSON YOU DIPWEED http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=540 |
| Girding it up | Abraham Lincoln: Hey Rasputin, dude! What's new? / Grigori Rasputin: A lot, actually! I made a commitment to run a marathon this year, so I'm training for that. Except I don't really want to because holy dang it's super hard. / Abe: Ah, well, you know what they say! Sometimes you've just got to grind up your loins and do it! / Rasputin: Grind up my loins?? Wha– oh, do you mean GIRD up my loins? / Abe [[small text]]: oh. / Abe [[looking down]]: oh no. / {{Alt/Title text: I was reading a book that said somebody was girding up his loins but I was tired and thought it said grind and then I fell asleep and had scary dreams D:}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=541 |
| The Grilled Cheese Bias | ABE: I'm just going to come out and say it: I love grilled cheese sandwiches. They're so melty and crunchy and perfect! I'm confident that they will remain in my top list of foods in perpetuity. / DARWIN: It's pretty unlikely your love for grilled cheese will never end. Tastes change, you get tired of things, etc. In a few years you probably won't like them as much as you do now. / ABE: No, Charles Darwin. No. I will love them forever. Grilled cheese is a basic staple of delicious food. Nothing you can say will change that! / ABE: MY LOVE FOR GRILLED CHEESE IS UNENDING AND I WON'T HEAR OF YOUR NAYSAYING CHARLES I WON'T HEAR OF IT! / DARWIN: I'm just saying, it's a well known human weakness to think that the way you feel now is the way you're always going to feel. I guess time will tell! / 1,000 YEARS LATER: [[shows squid with metal parts]] WHO CARES ABOUT GRILLED CHEESE THERE ARE CYBER SQUIDS / {{TITLE: The Grilled Cheese Bias}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=542 |
| The Wager | Taft: Yes! All right! I totally win the bet you guys. Your lame inch worms were no match for Inch Racer's superior speed! Come on guys, pay up! / < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=543 |
| Ambitions | Abe: Hey Secretariat, what's your life's ambition? / Secretariat: So is that your deal then? You come up to acquaintances when you see them on the street and ask them stuff like what's their life's ambition? / Abe: That's cool. My life's ambition has always been to meet a unicorn! / Secretariat: Oh yeah? I know a guy, I can hook you up. / < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=544 |
| Mature Adults | Abe: Man, being an adult is awesome! I just bought six packs of gum and I'm going to chew every piece at once. Not a mom in the world can stop me! / Liz: So... you value adulthood insofar as it affords you a license to be irresponsible? / [[Abe blows a large bubble with his gum, which pops and covers his head.]] / Liz: Brilliant. I think I'll be going now. / [[Abe blows a bubble.]] / [[The bubble gets larger.]] / [[Abe pops the bubble all over Liz's head.]] / {{I recently found out that buying as much Big League Chew as you want isn't really as good an idea as I once thought.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=545 |
| Halloween 2007 | [[Abe bumps into Lionel.]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=546 |
| Twinners | {{Title Text: Scourge Washington is not one to be judgmental about a dude's scorpion preferences.}} / [[Lincoln and Washington with black goatee]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: Hey, George- whoa, did you grow a beard!? / Goatee'd Washington: Nope.
/ (Normal) George Washington: Oh hey Abe. I don't think you've met my evil twin, Scourge Washington. / Lincoln: Oh, haha, awesome! I bet since you are such a big jerk all the time, your evil twin is actually fully polite and compliant! / Washington: No, dude. He's my EVIL twin. / Scourge Washington: Just as a heads up, dude, I wouldn't open your fridge any time soon.
/ That is, unless you like things filled to the absolute brim with scorpions. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=547 |
| Fight Back! | {{Title Text: Dang, you have to be pretty friggin' evil to grow a goatee on top of another beard.}} / Abraham Lincoln: You think you're so tough George having an evil twin to fill my fridge with stuff! Well you're not! You can't just push me around however you want anymore! / George Washington's Evil Twin [[Washington with EEEVIL goatee]]: PROVE IT! / Lincoln: Um, OK that was a little weird. / Lincoln: Anyway you can't push me around because I also have an evil twin!
/ We'll show you who's tough! / Lincoln's Evil Twin [[Lincoln with goatee]]: Geez, get a load of this guy. / Lincoln's Evil Twin: Anyway, I was just about to go make a bunch of prank calls to 911 from his phone. You dudes want in?
/ Washington and his evil twin: Alright. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=548 |
| Love Poetry | [[Young Martha Washington is sitting there.]] / [[Abe scoots up behind her.]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=549 |
| The Hunger | Norton (Dazed): huuuuhh / Lincoln (Shocked): Whoa, Emperor Norton! Are you all right, dude? / Lincoln (As a ham): You don't look so good! / Norton (Salivating): So... hungry... / Lincoln (Shocked with sandwich): Oh geez dude! I forgot you are basically a hobo! You, uh, want this sandwich? / Lincoln (As a ham with a smaller ham): I guess it wasn't really nice to make it in front of you. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=550 |
| Nanotyrannus | Abe: Oh my Josh you guys I just discovered the absolute best thing! / Abe: Did you know there's a dinosaur called the Nanotyrannus? It's like a Tyrannosaurus rex but tiny! / Darwin: Well, small compared to a T. rex, yeah, but they were still about 17 feet long. Also, it's fairly likely that Nanotyrannus is actually just a mistaken juvenile of T. rex. / Abe: Listen, Charles, no one cares. / Abe: As far as I'm concerned, science is only useful as long as it lets you imagine that there are tiny, cute versions of everything. / [[Abe imagines a very small T. rex biting his beard]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=551 |
| Budging | [[Abe and José de San Martin are standing in a line.]]
/ Abe: Daaang, José! I didn't think there'd be such a line for this movie. / [[Larger view shows the line containing Darwin, José, Abe, Liz, Amelia, Zombie Mark Twain, Rasputin, Vampire Charles Dickens, and Thomas Edison all standing in the line in front of a corner of a movie poster with the Kool-Aid Man with the caption "OH YEAH".]]
/ José: Yeah, seriously! I didn't think Kool-Aid: The Movie would be so popular! / [[Otto von Bismark is cutting in line in front of Abe.]]
/ Otto: Outta the way, Eleanor. / Abe: Um, excuse me? Hey, pal, there's a line here! Where do you get off- / Otto: "Um, excuse me?"
/ Otto: HEY, IDIOT, NICE BEARD. DID YOUR MOMMA GROW THAT FOR YOU? / {{They're already making a movie of EVERYTHING ELSE from my childhood, so why not?}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=552 |
| Mexican Restaurant | Washington: Dude, have you eaten here before? / Lincoln: No, but so far my taco is enormous! / Washington: Yeah, the tacos are pretty huge, that's true. But I think they went too far with all the "AUTHENTIC MEXICAN" decorations all over. / Washington: I mean the dancing skeletons in sombreros are pretty cool, but like whats with all these posters of random dudes? Like check out senor giant face over here. / [[large face of some dude]] / Lincoln: HERMANO GRANDE IS WATCHING YOU. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=553 |
| Writin' Lincoln | [[Liz is talking on the phone with Abe.]]
/ Abe: So, anyway, Liz, did you get the letter I sent?
/ Liz: Letter? I don't believe I did. / Abe: Yeah, I've recently taken up writing letters! It's weird that it didn't get to you though. I sent it a while ago! / Liz: Well couldn't you just tell me whatever it was over the pho-
/ Abe: I'll just have to send it again! / [[SOON:]]
/ [[Abe's letter reads:
/ Dear Lizzie,
/ How are you? I am fine. So many things are going on with me! I got a new Nintendo game that I am playing a lot. It is good. I am also trying out this new kind of cereal that has berries in it. It is CRAZY.
/ Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I bought my cat (you remember Mewsevelt) (hopefully since you saw him like 2 days ago geez) and adorable tutu and a little tiara and made him dance like a beautiful ballerina! Well he kinda hated it and after a couple minutes he somehow made the tutu catch on fire but it]] / [[Abe is holding his letter.]]
/ Abe: [[Singing]] Ohhh takin' my letter to the mail, hope it reaches its destination this tiiime! / [[Mewsevelt is hiding behind Abe's mailbox.]] / {{Tampering with someone else's mail is a federal offense Mr. Mewsevelt!}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=554 |
| Someone Can Talk to a Horse, of Course | Lincoln: Oh hey Secretariat! Fancy meeting you here!
/ Secretariat: Uh, I think I'll take a different cab. / Lincoln: Nah, dude, hop in! I've been meaning to ask you something: Do you know Mr. Ed? / Secretariat: Do you just follow me around when you have a horse-related question? Whatever. No, I don't know Mr. Ed. For one thing he's fictional, and for another that's so racist to think all horses know each other. / Lincoln: Well um I mean I think he's a really great character and I always used to love watching him on TV and stuff and like I really identify with him... / Secretariat: You identify with Mr. Ed? Because... you're also a talking horse? / Lincoln: HEY TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE BUDDY http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=555 |
| Vampirical Knowledge | [[Vampire Charles Dickens is reading a book.]] / Abe: Well what do we have here. If it isn't Vampire Charles Dickens. Hey Vampire Dickens! Why don't you go like sleep in a coffin or something! / Dickens: Mortals. / [[Dickens shuts his book.]]
/ Dickens: Look, let's get this out of the way right now. I don't sleep in a coffin, you're a stupid mortal, and everything you know is wrong. All right? Everything. / [[Abe stares.]] / Abe: Even the thing about how the horny toad will shoot blood out of his eyes if he gets freaked out enough?
/ Dickens: Probably. / {{Surely if anything's true, it's that.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=556 |
| Yo-Yo Momma | [[Abe slings a yo-yo towards George.]]
/ Abe: Hey George! Check out my sweet yo-yo moves!
/ George: Watch it! / Abe: Dude, brace yourself. I am about to do the sweetest yo-yo move known to Man. I'm serious - this is going to blow your mind to China. / [[Abe does the walk the dog trick.]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=557 |
| The Joy of Legs | Abe Lincoln: Man, if I was a caterpillar I'd be hella pissed when I found out I have to turn into a dumb butterfly at some point in life. / Zombie Mark Twain: What! You're nuts! The adult butterfly is universally better looking and better at being able to fly than any caterpillar ever conceived. / Abe Lincoln: Flight, schmight! You know how many things a butterfly can kick at once? / Zombie Mark Twain: Uh, well I guess about six, tops. / Abe Lincoln: PATHETIC. / Abe Lincoln: While your pretty boy butterfly is out there trying feebly to kick six things at once, you know what a caterpillar is doing? A caterpillar is out there riding three tiny tandem bikes and kicking whatever he wants / {{What do you mean caterpillars actually only have 6 real legs and the rest are all some kind of psedo-legs? MY LIFE IS A SHAM }} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=558 |
| This Proposal Isn't Especially Decent | [[Abe approaches Young Martha Washington.]]
/ Abe: Hey Young Martha! How's it doing! I mean going! How are you doing! / Martha: Slow down, cowboy! You only get one question, so which do you want me to answer? / Abe: Ummm how about do you want to maybe go steady with me like a girlfriend or special significant lady? / Martha: What's in it for me? / Abe: Ummmm... / [[Abe is holding a $5 bill and Martha is hitting him over the head with her umbrella.]]
/ Abe: Five dol- / {{If I were Abe Lincoln, I'd probably consider using a 5 dollar bill as ID.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=559 |
| Digits | Young Martha Washington: Abe, I was joking, man! / Young Martha Washington: Look, here's a protip for you: Actually, two protips: / Young Martha Washington: If you ask a girl out and she says "what's in it for me" well first of all DO NOT offer her five dollars. Do not do this. But second of all that's a way jerky thing to say! So the protip here is to have a little dignity, OK? / Abe Lincoln: Huh! What? Oh! Does this mean you'll go out with me?! / Young Martha Washington: I'll give you a shot, bucko. Call me some time. / Abe Lincoln: Hot dog, I've got her digits! That thing where hot girls go for an ugly jerk is finally working for me! / {{Ladies sometimes your dude-choosing decisions are a mystery to us fellas. Take my wife (please don't). Why does she like me? The mind boggles.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=560 |
| It's Gobble Time! | [[Abe's head is in the shape of a roast turkey.]]
/ Abe: Ughhhhhh...
/ Abe: Whyyyyy... / [[EARLIER:]]
/ Abe: I need to learn how to eat more. I am not good enough at eating. / George: Are you kidding? You already eat like a crazy starved pig with a tapeworm. / Abe: Like a pig? Perhaps. But the pig is not the best eater in the animal kingdom. No, to increase my consumptive prowess, I must train under a new master... / [[LATER THAN EARLIER BUT STILL EARLIER THAN BEFORE:]]
/ Snake wearing a knitted cap: Arright ya putz. If you wanna be the champeen eater, you gotta really want it! Now man up and do like I told ya! / [[Abe is lunging at a roast turkey with his mouth open.]] / {{Why is there nowhere on the internet where you can buy tiny knitted caps for a snake? That's what I want to know.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=561 |
| The Problem with the Internet | Abe Lincoln: Man you know what the problem is with the internet? I figured it out. No one on the internet can understand one dang bit of nuance! It makes it impossible to have even a halfway reasonable conversation! / Charles Darwin: I don't know, I think the problem is more that the anonymity of the internet turns everybody on it into a big ol' jerk-munch. / Amelia Earhart: I'd say the problem is really the fact that for every totally awesome thing on the internet, there are at least two things that will make your brain seize up from sheer horror. / George Washington: You guys, the problem with the internet is that there are a lot of people on it, plain and simple. / Robot 1: Truly, the robot-only internet is a marvel of civility and wholesome merry-making!
/ Robot 2: Indeed, sir. Indeed! / {{Excuse me the internet, what is your problem or problems.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=562 |
| Showering | < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=563 |
| In Which a Deceased President Shaves his Head | [[George is talking to Amelia.]]
/ George: So if you think about it, I mean, logically, I am the sexiest president. / [[Abe has a shiny, shaved head.]]
/ Abe: Hey guys, check it out! I shaved my head!! / George: That's great, I'm sure I care.
/ George: Wait, did you actually wax it too? Your head is ridiculously shiny. / Abe: Uh, nope! Sure didn't! Must just be my natural luster shining through- / [[George is writing on Abe's head with a marker.]]
/ George: Hang on a second.
/ Abe: Hey! / [[A close up of Abe's head shows that George wrote OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE EVEN HANDSOMER THAN THEY APPEAR. George's reflection can be seen winking.]] / {{Go up, thou bald head! Go up! AHH CRAP A SHE-BEAR}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=564 |
| Christmas Shopping | George Washington: Ugh, man, why did I let you drag me to the mall in December? It's friggin' packed, the music is horrible, and I don't even like you. / Abe Lincoln: George! Christmas is in like a day or an hour or 10 minutes or something real soon!
/ George Washington: Actually, it's in like 3 weeks.
/ Abe Lincoln: Well we still gotta get our shopping done! / George Washington: OK but do we have to be in this store that appears to specialize in patriotic ornaments? Who even would want these things?
/ Abe Lincoln: Um, I don't know, PATRIOTS? / George Washington: Fine. Merry Christmas, You're getting this ornament. / Abe Lincoln: Why is God dressed up like a creepy Santa? / {{Is this comic seems like it might be some kind of veiled statement about the similarities between God and Santa and their relationship to patriotism in the US, well the fact is I really saw an ornament like that and I was a li'l confused.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=565 |
| A Question of Science | Abe: Hey Darwin, you know science, right? / Darwin: Well, science is really quite a broad thing, you know. I do have some expertise in certain focused areas... / [[Abe stares.]] / Darwin: Yes... I know science. / Abe: So in your scientific opinion, what's more dangerous: a bear from Earth or a bear from space? / Darwin: Well isn't a bear from Earth also technically from space? I mean, Earth is in space... / Abe: Good Heavens, you're right! You know what this means? I'm going to have to change all my business cards! / [[Abe's business card reads:
/ ABE LINCOLN
/ Expert Dinosaur Hunter and Laser Specialist FROM SPACE
/ 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
/ Washington, DC 20500
/ phone: 202-456-1111
/ fax: 202-456-2461
/ email: alincoln1865@thinkin-lincoln.com]] / {{Darwin is just so relieved that he could answer this question about science.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=566 |
| Sleep Deprivation | Abe Lincoln: grubba... shugguna... party lasers... wushh... / Hannibal Hamlin: Whoa, Abe! Are you OK? You're mumbling and staring at a lamp. / Abe Lincoln: Huh! What! Oh. Oh, hi. No, uh, I was just... I'm sorry, I pulled an all-nighter last night and I'm a little bit out of it. No big deal! / Hannibal Hamlin: Well geez! You should probably go to sleep then! Abe? / Hannibal Hamlin: Uh, Abe? / Abe Lincoln: What! What! I'm up! Here happy birthday I got you this lamp!
/ Hannibal Hamlin: Uh, thanks? / Hannibal Hamlin: Better late than never, I guess. / {{Hannibal is looking down at a tear-soaked August 27th torn out of his calendar sitting crumpled in the trash.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=567 |
| Seasonal Employment | Abe: I need more money for Christmas and other Holiday Season Holidays. Crass Consumerism ain't cheap! / Abe: I know! I'll write a book! A children's book! A children's book for the holidays! / Poe: What'll it be about? / Abe: Uh... it'll be... a murder mystery! For kids! / Who murdered Santa by Abraham Lincoln / Abe: And on the very final page... a mirror. / {{The murder was inside you all along!}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=568 |
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