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Chemical Reactions I sometimes hear people say that love is "just" a chemical reaction in your brain. / This makes me angry. See this face? Angry face. / Let's take as a given that love is a chemical reaction in one's brain. I have a slightly nuanced opinion on this matter, but it's not important right now. So if love is a chemical reaction in your brain, fear is also a chemical reaction in your brain. Does that make the fear you feel when, for instance, you encounter a bear in the wild any less real? Are you not really afraid of his sharp teeth and claws since it's "only" a chemical reaction in your brain? / Lets' find out! / Rar. / I am incredibly frightened right now.
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Hockey Hair Hey guys, check out my sweet new hair cut! / It, er, looks very nice. / Nice? It looks hideous! / What would you know about hair styles? You're wearing a wig! / Shut up! My hair style was very fashionable in my day! / Your stupid hair style wasn't even cool in the 70s. / Man, neither were lasers, but look how cool lasers are today.
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Business in the front, party in the back. Dude, Lincoln, you have to get rid of that mullet. / Why? Are you EMBARASSED to be seen with me? / Yes! Totally embarassed! / Man, what's so bad about it? / Abe, are you aware of the other names by which this hairstyle is known? The Ape Drape, the Camaro Crash Helmet, the Mississippi Mudflap, the Tennessee Tophat, the Kentucky Waterfall? Are those really things you want to be associated with? / All right, All right! I'll get rid of it! I have been swayed by the power of nicknames!
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The Pencil Holder Pardon me, sir, but would you mind holding this pencil for me for a moment? / My pleasure. / Good sir, I grow weary of holding this. Would you accept its return to you? / Ah, of course. I understand well the feelings you must be experiencing. / You see, for many years I was pencil-holder to a king. I ate, drank, lived, and breathed pencil-holding. I toiled mightily and was widely believed the greatest pencil-holder to have ever lived. But that is over now. I cannot relive past glories. / I realize now that I must do the honorable thing and take my life with this, the pencil I now hold. / Later / The critics are raving about my new play! Wait, does raving mean they hate it? If not, raving is probably the wrong word.
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The Impermanence of Vows Oh hey, Abe. / Hey George. / M-mary Todd! What are you doing here? / Just chillin' with my man. / You mean Washington? B-but I'm your husband! / Chill, honkey! You WAS my husband - you ain't no more! Till death do us part, remember? / Anyway, Washington is more of a man than you EVER was, fool. / Are you blind, woman? I'm way taller than Washington, and being tall is like step 1 on how to be manly!
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Satisfaction Dang, yo! Quit braggin' bout how tall you is! You was always doin' that. At least you ain't wearin' that stupid hat you wore to make yoself look even taller! / Bein' tall ain't manly. Georgie's a man who can SATISFY me, unlike YOU! / Are we talking about naughty-relations between you and Washington? Because I totally don't want to think about that. / I'm going to pretend you said he's manlier because he could beat me in a fight. / Like so: Oh yeah?! Well let's fight and then we'll see who's the manliest! PUT UP YOUR DUKES WASHINGTON / Dude, this is retarded. You don't even WANT to be married to her anymore. / Oh yeah! Forget that ugly witch! / Yeah, she's stupid and no one likes her! / Er wait...
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Boogers? Man, what is the deal with boogers anyway! They're like all up in your nose and all the time just chillin' and stuff. What is the deal! / The deal is that -- wait. Lincoln, do you pick your nose? / What? No! / Then why did you bring up boogers. / I just wanted to know what the deal is!! / You do pick your nose don't you! / How could I? I don't even appear to have hands!
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I can't seem to face up to the facts I can't seem to face up to the facts. / Is that what you are saying. / That's right, yes. / I submit that it is in fact you whom the facts are eluding. / The simple fact is that cowboys have guns and horses while vikings do not. No amount of horny hats, berserker fury, or pillaging-aptitude can make up for that. / I'm sorry my friend, but no. If the facts were a rogue sneaking past you, you'd have rolled a one on your spot check.
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I'm tense and nervous, and I can't relax Panel 1: Lincoln: I'm tense and nervous, and I can't relax. / Panel 2: Elizabeth: Gosh, why's that? / Panel 3: Lincoln: I think I'm being stalked! / Elizabeth:W-what makes you think that? / Panel 4: Lincoln: Well, you see, every morning at some ungodly hour before I wake up, some weirdo sneaks up to my house and leaves a newspaper! Isn't that CREEPY! / Panel 5: Elizabeth: Oh. Abraham, that's probably just the paperboy delivering the new newspaper subscription you just bought. / Panel 6: Lincoln: Oh, yeah, you're probably right. But I also saw an old lady with a crown surreptitiously taking pictures of me in my underwear. But I guess she was probably from the newspaper too! Thanks Lizzy, I feel a lot better!
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I can't sleep 'cause my bed's on fire I can't sleep 'cause my bed's on fire. / WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHINGTON!!! / Don't look at me, man, I didn't do it! / I hear there has been a recent rash of spontaneous bed fires breaking out. / A rash of bed fires. Spontaneous bed fires. / Not buying it, huh? Would you believe arson fairies? / Dude, Washington. Setting my bed on fire was funny the first couple times, but it's really starting to get old. Seriously.
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Don't touch me, I'm a real live wire! Don't touch me, I'm a real live wire! / W-what do you mean you're a "real live wire?" / I mean just that, in fact. You see, my experiments have finally succeeded! / I have managed to give myself incredible electro-powers! / MUAHAHAHAHAHA / Oh Abraham! What have you done? / Check it out! I can make these tiny lightbulbs glow a little bit bit! / EXPERIENCE MY PHENOMINAL POWER!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread PSYCHO KILLER! / Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that is exactly what the defendant is, no matter how innocent he claims to be. / He may look like an ordinary, innocent groundhog youth, but I assure you he is a psychotic murderer, rotten to the core, and that is what I intend to prove today. / Later... / We find the defendant guilty as charged! / Take him away! / WAAAAH IM INNOSINT! / Next time give me your candy when I demand it, you little twit.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Man, artists -- what's THEIR deal. Why don't they get a real profession like being a lawyer or a politician. / Abe, there's a name for a world with no artists and only lawyers and politicians. That world is called Hell. / Yeah... I guess my problem isn't really with artists but with the Art (capital "A") establishment. / You see, I was once a naive young artiste. I poursed my heart and soul into my work and made things I really tought were powerful pieces of art. / La la la art art art... / It was not well received by the Art establishment. I couldn't get my stuff shown in a single gallery anywhere. I wasn't really given a reason; I just never got called back. / I am sad about it. / So then I decided to take a picture of the U.S. Constitution and draw butts and stuff all over it. It was an instant success in the Art world. That's when I decided to become a lawyer.
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Mattress Tags Oh no! I'm in really big trouble! / Why's that? / Oh, Charles Darwin, you have to help me! I'm a fugitive of the law! I have TORN THE TAGS OFF A MATTRESS! / Geez, Lincoln, you have got to be the worst lawyer ever. Any competent lawyer ought to know that tearing the tags off a mattress is only illegal for the manufacturing company. / Oh. But what if you broke into someone's house and stole the mattress tags in the hopes of obtaining, perhaps, some kind of secret mattress formula? / In that case tearing the tags off is probably illegal... / Ok, and what if you kind of murdered the person sleeping on the mattress? Like if they started to wake up and you were afraid of getting caught, so you had to kill them. H-hypothetically.
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My Audience! Hello there, beautiful. / I know what you are thinking right now. You are thinking that I am an irresistable hunk of sexy, are you not? / You are thinking in that cute little head of yours that this comic would be much better, much... sexier... if I were the main character instead of that boring old Lincoln. / You are -- / Who are you talking to? / Hush, darling. We will speak again later. / Is that my AUDIENCE?? You're trying to steal my audience! / That's ok. I know they'd never leave me for someone who has been scientifically proven to be Hitler's uncle. / What!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread 104TH COMIC SALE BLOWOUT EXTRAVAGANZA!! / ONE TIME ONLY! / Today alone, you a person can get your grasping on many wonderful Lincoln products for totally slashed off prices! / LINCOLN CLOGS! / 9.936$$ ONLY! / LINCOLN POGS!! ! / CHEEP! CHEEP! CHEEP! / LINCOLN COGS! / DESIRABLE FOR INDUSTRY / Your resistance is illicit! To be buying now must for propriety! Low low prices guarantee happy for all!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread So Abraham, I was thinking that I'd like to know some more about American history. Could you teach me some? / Sure, Lizzie! What do you want to know? / Well, let's start with something easy. Your vice president was Andrew Johnson, right? Was he the one nicknamed Old Hickory? / Er, no, Old Hickory was Andrew JACKson, who was president around 20 years earlier than me. / Earlier than I, not earlier than me. Anyway, was Andrew Jackson the one who was killed by his own men accidentally in the dark? / Ah, no. I believe you are thinking of Stonewall Jackson, who was a confederate general during the Civil War. / Isn't he the one who touches children? / What! No, that's Michael Jackson! And technically he was acquitted. / Oh, I thought he was that fruity fellow who does "Sweatin' to the Oldies." / That's... Richard Simmons? Their names aren't even similar! Are you like royaltarded or what?
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread I have opinions I wish to express regarding the subject of caveman rape. / Huh? What? What's going on? / What's going on is that people think caveman rape is funny, and I think that it's awful. / There's an image in our cultural conscience of a caveman who goes out to find a wife and beats a woman over the head in order to drag her back to his cave (by the hair) and ravish her. I think it's a pretty well-known image, which I think I've seen in cartoons and other places. / Don't you think that's pretty horrible? I mean, why is assult and, and rape suddenly funny when it's in the context of cavepeople? It shouldn't be! Yet a lot of people seem to find it so! / Abraham, it is 3AM. What are you doing here? How did you even get into my palace?
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hi, I'm Abraham Lincoln. / You may remember me from such historical events as my presidency, the American Civil War, and the Gettysburg Address. / I'm here to talk to you today about a very important issue: spaying and neutering your pets. / If you don't spayslashneuter your pets, you could end up like me with Too Many Pets. And when you have too many pets, you won't be able to take care of them all, and some of them will probably die. / Actually, I did neuter my cat, and he still gave birth to a bunch of kittens, but I think he's from Hell or something. / So remember, kids, if your pets aren't from Hell or something, getting them spayed or neutered will ultimately save animal lives. If they ARE from Hell or something, you should see if that creepy old Chinese dude that sold your pet to you will take it back.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey Lincoln, what's your totem animal? / I don't know! What's yours? / Mine is the tiger! For tigers are cunning and cruel! GRARR! / I... gues that makes sense. How do I find out what mine is? / Easy! Just consult this convenient chart I made. / It says... "Abraham Lincoln - Totem Animal: the ermine. Ermines are like weasels with a girlier name." You know, why did you ask if you already had this chart?
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread You know what? I think it's high time for some GOVERNMENTAL EXPANSION! / I don't know about that. What kind of expansion did you have in mind? / I think the current president needs to get himself a new cabinet member: the Secretary of Explosions! / Boy do I wish I had thought of this when I was still president. / And what, pray tell, would the Secretary of Explosions do? / It'd be awesome! He'd do whatever the other cabinet members do, except with more EXPLOSIONS! And I know just the ex-14th president for the job! / Franklin Pierce? / Er, 16th president! I was the 16th president!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey George, I heard you had wooden teeth. Is that true? / No! That's a stupid myth perpetuated by stupid stupids. I DID have fake teeth, but they weren't made of wood. / They were made of adamantine! / Adamantine, if you don't know, is the hardest metal known to man! I could bite through anything. Could, and did! I once bit a gun in half during the war. And once, when Ben Franklin and I got into a fight, I bit off his left hand. It was all good, though, because he invented a robot hand to replace it. / Wow, what were you fighting about? / Can you believe that dork wanted to make the turkey our national bird?
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Ah, the internet! How I love to surf your digital waves! What a wonderous invention you are! What good you have done for humanity! / What's this? An instant message from Washington! / George says: / "hey abe check out tihs awesome site you will love it www.goatse.cx" / Goatse? That must be like e-goats! Sounds cool! / *link click*
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread hey lizzie, how do you feel about hot button issue? / i am very strongly pro-issue! / i see. and what about you, george? / i am staunchly anti-issue! only idiots are pro-issue! / what was that??? / you heard me, chump slice. / guys, guys! but don't you think that moderate, somewhat nuanced position is true? / "oh look at me, i'm lincoln, i like to kiss bugs." why don't you go make out with a tree, you hippie!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Attention! This meeting of the Secret Order of Guys Who Wear Big Furry Hats with Horns is now underway! / So what's on the agenda for today? / Today we plot the destruction of the human race. / Yes... today we shall sow the seeds of our revenge for the indignities forced upon us by those filthy creatures. / Um, okay guys, this whole talking hats club thing seemed really cool at first, but now it's really starting to creep me out.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey, I didn't wear a wig, you know. / Huh? When? / Well, never I guess. / Huh, you never wore a wig? Not even for like Halloween or anything? / I once wore a funny wig and put on a little song and dance for some soldiers during the Civil War to boost troop morale. / Ugh, no. I'm talking about a little while ago when you had a mullet and you said that I wore a wig? Well I looked it up and I didn't wear a wig! Even though people think I did. / Oh. Yeah, I was gonna say because weren't you wearing a wig the other day when you were performing in your Village People cover band? Good show, by the way!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey Queen, do you think Bigfoot exists? / Well, I- / See, I'm not sure if I do or not! It's hard to say. On the one hand, if the sasquatch is real, you'd expect there to be more hard evidence of it. / You'd expect to find some bones or, you know, droppings or what not. But on the other hand, it's rare to even find the remains of bears that haven't been killed by humans. And there is some pretty compelling, albeit less concrete, evidence to be seen in tracks that have been found and eye-witness accounts. / So to sum it up, Bigfoot probably isn't real! But maybe it is! Anyway, I gotta get going. Nice talking to you! / But... if Bigfoot isn't real, then who is the father of my children??
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread You seem to know an awful lot about the sasquatch, Mr. Lincoln. / [[Lincoln in spotlight]] / Huh? What's going on? Where am I? / [[Bigfoot in fedora and sunglasses]] / I'm the one asking the questions here, Mr. Lincoln. / It will go much easier for you if you cooperate, Mr. Lincoln. / Where were you on the night of April 15, 1865? / I-I was at Ford's Theater... / So you admit that you were involved in the assasination of this great nation's 16th president?
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Special Techniques [[Dark room with single light shining on Abe]] / Hold on just a minute! I'm not saying anything until you tell me what's going on! And turn on the regular lights! / That's better. / Now tell me who you are! And where I am! And why I'm here! / You're one of the Men in Black, aren't you! Are you also Bigfoot? I didn't know you worked for THEM! / Mr. Lincoln, I'm afraid I'm going to need you to look at this distraction technique. / <>
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Ponies Ponies Ponies Lincoln: Wow, I sure don't remember anything that happened yesterday. I'm sure it wasnt important / Lincoln: Hey- hey- Did I- Hey. Did I tell you guys that I love ponies? / Washington: Only every day. / Lincoln: I love their little hooves and their pretty haaair and I like to brush them and pat them and nuzzle them! / Queen Elizabeth: Yes, we know. / Lincoln: Hey - you guys! I just thought of something: ponies are awesome! Don't you think?
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