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| Skeleton Shakespeare | Skeleton Shakespeare: Hey - hey I heard ... I heard that - I heard ... Were you guys talking about me? / Lincoln: Hmm, what? Oh hey Skeleton Shakespeare. Yeah I guess we were, but that was a while ago, dude. / Skeleton Shakespeare: O-oh...oh okay. I didn't mean to bother you or anything. I was just, uh, just wondering w-what you guys were saying.
/ Oh man William, what are you doing you idiotic j-jerk you are totally bothering him RIGHT NOW. I am such a stupid moronic idiot oh man oh geez I had better just go run my head under some cold water right now- / Lincoln: No, dude! It's cool. We were just talking about which one of your plays is the best. / Shakespeare: Aw, come on. You guys know my plays ain't no good. I never wrote good plays in my whole times. / Shakespeare:Oh geez I'm sorry to contradict you I didn't mean it I really didn't you gotta believe me no wait uh you don't got to I'm s-sorry you can do, uh, do what you want Mr. Lincoln I'll just dunk my h-head in this bucket I'm sooo sorry http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=329 |
| Poor Yorick | SKELETON SHAKESPEARE GOES TO THE STORE / Skeleton Shakespeare: Okay, William. This time you are going to do it right and you are not going to screw anything up and you are going to be a success in life. / Y-yes. Hello, Mr. Clerk, sir? E-excuse me- h...hello. Hi. Yes, you see, I-I have this five dollars and, uh, and I would, uh, well you see I particularly enjoy, um, well a glass of milk does - it’s good for the bones... and well, sir, if I could...what I'm saying is that, uh, if a purchase could be negotiated....? / Mr. Clerk: Hey Soul Patch. Would you just spit it out already? / Skeleton Shakespeare: What. Did. You. Say. / Oh sir, oh no, I'm so sorry! I totally burnt you to a crisp right on the face! I didn't mean to do that! Oh, you, I, uh, well, it's just that, you see, my soul patch is the only thing I ever had pride of in my whole times...oh, oh I guess you're d-dead from - from the incineration I j-just gave you...Oh William I told you this is no way to be a success this is the way to be NOT a success, oh my... http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=330 |
| The Cave of Sleep | Queen Elizabeth: Oh Abraham! It's time to wake up!
/ Queen Elizabeth: Rise and shine! You're going to be late for school!
/ [Lincoln is in bed]
/ Lincoln: No! I'm in my cave of sleep! And I'm never leaving!
/ Lincoln: This cave of sleep is awesome. So warm and comfortable with no mean teachers or lame other kids.
/ Mewsevelt: Hello, Mr. Lincoln. In your dreams, I have the power of speech.
/ [Lincoln is suddenly out of bed and dressed]
/ Lincoln: I'm ready for school now! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=331 |
| Sucks to Your Auntie | Lincoln: Man, why's there gotta be so much "weather" all the time. Friggin' rain drip-droppin' all over everything. Sucks and grandmas, I hate it! / Darwin: Sucks and grandmas? What does that even mean? / Lincoln: You know, as in, like, "this lame thing is for sucks and grandmas." Basically like that. / Darwin: Are you lumping grandmas in with people who suck? Grandmas are awesome! / Lincoln: It's a well known fact that while your own grandma is awesome, everyone else's grandma is annoying and terrible. / Lincoln: You know who ELSE had a grandma? HITLER had a grandma. / {{Title text: I love you, Grandma!}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=332 |
| Sickening Descriptions | [[Lincoln speaking into a green telephone]]
/ Lincoln: Hey, it's Abe. I can't come in today; I'm sick. / [[Washington speaking into a blue telephone]]
/ Washington: Okay, thanks for calling. No need for details-- / [[Lincoln speaking into telephone]]
/ Lincoln: I'm basically barfing up a frog over here, man. Also, the frog is made of sand-paper. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=333 |
| Jive Crocodile | Crocodile with a Beard: Helloooo, baaaay-bay! / Lincoln: Oh hey, Crocodile with a Beard. What's happening, dude? / Crocodile with a Beard: A whop bop a loo bop, a whop bam nothin', baaaay-bay! / Lincoln: Um, listen, do you think you could stop calling me baby? It kind of creeps me out. / Crocodile with a Beard: OWW! AWWWRIGHT! / Crocodile with a Beard:...baaay-bay / {{Title text: How'd he get his beard back? The world may never know.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=334 |
| The Candirú | [[Lincon reading a book called "Scary Fish of the Amazon", looking quite shocked.]] / Lincon: Jumpin' jinglebells! < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=335 |
| Pardon My Art | SIC SEMPER MARTYRIS http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=336 |
| Futile Prayers | ABRAHAM. ICHLOR HEARS YOUR PRAYINGS. / Lincoln: Oh, hey Ichlor. Hey, wait a minute, I just thought of something! I talk to you pretty often. Am I like, your prophet?? / Lincoln: All like, "THERE IS ONE FISHY FISH GOD OF FISH ICHLOR AND ABRAHAM IS HIS PROPHET" / Ichlor: No, you ain't no dang Ichlor-prophet. Ichlor talk to all you human dudes the same. / Lincoln: Oh, okay cool whatever. So you got my prayer I sent? What'd you think? I fugured you were my go-to God to ask on this one. / Ichlor: Abraham, Ichlor is NOT going to destroy all Candiru fishies for you. Ishlor likes them better than you. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=337 |
| Hearing Voices | Abraham Lincoln: Hmm, you know what just occurred to me about historical dudes from times before the advent of audio recording technology? / Jose de San Martin: Not really sure how you expect me to know something like that- / Lincoln: Dude, there's know way to know for sure what their voices sounded like! Like, I'm usually portrayed as having a really deep voice, but who knows! I could have had a real shrill little girly voice! / Jose: Well, actually, what scant historical evidence there is suggests that you DID in fact have a pretty high-pitched voice. But anyway, I'm sure voices aren't unique in this way. No doubt there's tons of stuff we'll never know about historical dudes simply because no one ever bothered to record it. / Lincoln: Yeah, uh, that is a real life tragedy for sure. / [[THE PAST]] Lincoln: Man, should I see a doctor about this I wonder? I didn't even know knees could GET that hairy. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=338 |
| Dad, the Matchmaker | Amelia Earhart: All right, Abe, I've got your computer all fixed for you! You just had some loose RAM was all it was. / Abe Lincoln: Thanks a ton, Amelia! You truly are the queen of the crop. / Robert Todd: Dad, it's "cream of the crop." Queen of the crop is like, the most feared lady by horses or something. / Abe Lincoln: Amelia, you remember my son, Robert Todd, don't you? (He's very available, you know.) / Abe Lincoln: Uh, I don't mean like, "very available" as in he's a huge loser who no one wants to be with so he'll always be available or anything like that. I mean it more in a like, uh, you know, my son is a big stud hubba hubba kind of way. / Robert Todd: Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far far away. Please, God, make me a bird... http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=339 |
| Anticipation Blues | Abraham Lincoln: So like, does this kind of thing ever happen to you dudes where like you have a butt-ton of anticipation of a thing... / Lincoln: And at first you are all like "yes awesome yes this thing is going to be the best thing since pizza rolls for sure" and you are anticipating all over the place like a crazy person. / Lincoln: But then it eventually gets to be like a week before you can finally get the thing and you almost don't even want it anymore? / George Washington: Yeah, I guess that's kinda happened to me before. You kinda get burnt out on anticipating so hard that you realize that the thing you're waiting for can't possibly meet your expectations. / Washington: What I usually do is try to forget about things like that for a while. Reading all the latest blogs about it and stuff only makes time seem to go slower as you wait.
/ Lincoln: Yeah, well that doesn't really help me much right now. / [[LIKE A WEEK LATER]] Lincoln: Oh Pizza Rolls 2.0: Pizza Rolls Evolved, you're all I could have hoped for and more! < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=340 |
| Enlightening Photographs | Abraham Lincoln: Good afternoon, Mr. Washington. Hell of a day. / George Washington: Give it to me straight. What have you found out? / Lincoln: Oh, I've found out quite a lot, Mr. Washington, and I've got some photographs I think you'll find very... enlightening. / Washington: I'm not paying you to flap your gums, I'm paying you to spy on my fiancee. Now give me the photos. / Lincoln: All right, all right, but you're not going to like what you see... / Washington: This is... a picture of two camels humping. [[Picture of two camels humping]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=341 |
| An Identity Mistook! | [[Lindoln, wearing a gray fedora]]
/ Lincoln: Thanks for coming down here, Ms. Windsor. I'm sorry you have to see this. / Queen Elizabeth: Could my poor Philip really be dead? / Lincoln: That's what you're here to tell me, ma'am. We need an official identification of the body to be sure. / Queen Elizabeth: All right . . . I-I think I'm ready. / Lincoln: Now I want to warn you, what you're about to see will be very disturbing. Try not to scream when I pull back the sheet. / [[Polaroid picture of two camels humping.]]
/ Queen Elizabeth: This . . . this is a picture of two camels humping. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=342 |
| The Case of the Basement Burglar | Abraham Lincoln: So Mister... / Lincoln: Darwin. / Lincoln: You say the thief entered your home by digging up through your basement. Is that correct? / Charles Darwin: Yes, that's right. I went downstairs to get a midnight snack when I saw him run down to the basement. When I got down there, there was a big hole and he was gone... along with my priceless vase! / Lincoln: Yeah, this guy's been hitting people all over town. They're calling him the Basement Burglar. I've actually got a sketch I'd like you to take a look at. Is this the man you saw? / Darwin: This... this is a picture of two camels humping. [[Picture of two camels humping]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=343 |
| A Run-in With the Law | < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=344 |
| I Wish to File a Complaint | [[Lincoln is wearing his (very stylish) detective fedora.]] / Lincoln: Abe Lincoln's Detective Agency, Lincoln speaking. / Washington: Yes, hello. This is George Washington. I hired you recently? Yes, to spy on my fiancée. / Lincoln: Of course. How can I help you today, Mr. Washington? / Washington: I was not at all happy with your services. For one thing, all the photos you gave me were just a picture of two camels humping! I want a refund. / Lincoln: Look, Mr. Washington, you knew FULL WELL when you hired me that I am cursed to turn everything I touch into a photograph of two camels humping. / [[Yellow pages ad for ABE LINCOLN - PRIVATE DETECTIVE]]
/ [[Picture of two camels humping]]
/ [["This is a picture of two camels humping."]]
/ [[1-800-429-5483]] / {{Title text: Everything except hats. And phones. And notepads.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=345 |
| This Comic Is Probably Really Insensitive | Lincoln: Okay, so seriously, what is the deal with gothic retards. Er . . . retarded gothics? Whatever. / Washington: Is there any other kind - / Lincoln: No, seriously. Today I met a dude who was actually mentally retarded but also he had like black nail polish and a lot of those pointy pewter rings and like too much hairspray and a Cure t-shirt and stuff. The dude can barely make a sentence, but he can dye his hair black and put on a bunch of makeup every day? / Washington: Haha, that's pretty awesome, actually. It's kind of like the Special Olympics, except for being a goth. / Lincoln: Uh, how do you mean? / Washington: It's like, I'm totally rooting for the li'l guy now! You go, gothic retard! Follow your llittle retarded dreams! Nothing can stop you from being a gothic if you put your little retarded mind to it! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=346 |
| Doodly Squat | [[Lincoln is singing.]]
/ Lincoln (singing): Oh, my girl is red hot! / A do-doo / Your girl ain't doodly squat!
/ Sir Isaac Newton: Now I say, where in the Sam Hill do you think you get off talkin' to me like that, son! Dang if I don't got half a mind to pound your ugly mug!
/ Lincoln: I-I wasn't saying it to you! I was just, you know, singing a song! Do you even have a girl?
/ Sir Isaac Newton: Well... I don't... as such... have myself a filly at the present time...
/ Lincoln: I, uh, don't have one either.
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=347 |
| What an Ice Hole | [[Lincoln stands on an iced surface]]
/ Lincoln: Aw, crud-puppies! Not another friggin' ice level. / [[A life meter with zero lincolns appears. Lincoln slips and slides.]] / [[Lincoln falls off the end of the surface]] / [[Lincoln appears holding a Gamecube, or other video game, controller]]
/ Lincoln: Pretty sure this is how the dang dinosaurs died out. / {{Title: What an Ice Hole}}
/ {{Tag: My life is an ice level. One big ice level.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=348 |
| The New Sensation Sweeping the Nation | [[It's Palsy Dolphin on stage! Lincoln is vocals and lead guitar, Washington is the keyboardist, Elizabeth plays a classic bass, and Rasputin is the drummer!]]
/ Narrator: LADIES AND GENTS, THE BAND YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING TO SEE... / Narrator: PALSY DOLPHIN!!!!
/ Lincoln: HELLO AKRON, OHIO!!!! IS EVERYONE READY FOR ROCKING!!! / Audience Member: No! / [[Palsy Dolphin is shocked and appalled!]] / Audience Member: Okay, I'm ready now! / [[Palsy Dolphin is on stage again, rockin' out!]]
/ OHHHH WE ARE PALSY DOOOLPHIN
/ GONNA ROCK YOU SEA-FOOD STYLE http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=349 |
| Handbook for the Recently Diseased | Jose de San Martin: Ugh... man I really hate being sick. Guh! I feel, like, wicked wretched. / Lincoln: Aw, dude that sucks. Being sick is never fun. / San Martin: Yeah... dang my stupid insides are all herky-jerkin' around like some kind of disease-powered washing machine. / Lincoln: Oh man, the totally worst is when you're so sick that your innards twist around like crazy until they get so screwed up that your tubes are all going to the wrong place and nothing knows what hole it's supposed to go into or come out of anymore. / San Martin: That doesn't happen- / Lincoln: Farty barfing, man. Farty barfing. / {{Title text: Arguably the worst of both the farty and barfing worlds.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=350 |
| The Reunion | Skeleton Shakespeare: Oh man, oh geez, there's Amelia. I should go t-talk to her. Don't you think I should go talk to her? I should go talk to her. / Washington: Man, don't you remember what I told you back in highschool, man? Nothing's changed, man. / FLASHBACK
/ Washington: Shakespeare, you ain't got the GUTS to ask Amelia out to the dang prom. You KNOW that. / STILL A FLASHBACK
/ Skeleton Shakespeare: Because I'm a skeleton. :( http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=351 |
| A Question of Huggability | Lincoln: Hey everybody! Check out my new theme song! / [[Lincoln sings, eyes closed]]
/ Lincoln: Here comes Lincoln/The most huggably soft ex-president! / Taft: What, YOU? The most huggably soft?? YOU, Boney McHardface? GTFO. / Lincoln: Uh, what does "GTFO" mean? / Taft: It means "get the heck out" okay. / Lincoln: Wait, That's not the right letters... / [[close-up of Taft's eyes. The letters GT FO are emblazoned upon his right and left pupils]] / {{alt text: SRSLY.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=352 |
| Great Ideas | LINCOLN: (thinking) Oh man, brain, I have a totally good idea to make me the popular one of this party. / [[Lincoln is in a crowd with several other characters with horrified and disgusted faces]]
/ LINCOLN : SO I HEARD THIS GREAT JOKE ABOUT PEOPLE'S MOMS DYING OF CANCER WHO WANTS TO HEAR IT. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=353 |
| Naming Conventions | Lincoln: So uh, hey George, what do you think of "little people?" / Washington: Little people? As in small humans? Like a baby and such? / Lincoln: No, like, uh... / Lincoln: midgets / Washington: Ohhh, midgets. Why didn't you say so? Yeah I know a few of them. Good guys. Nice families. / Lincoln: No, I mean like, you're not supposed to call them midgets anymore. You're supposed to call them "little people." / Washington: Oh, whatever. You know as well as I do that's a load of leprechaun propaganda. / LITTLE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD UNITE http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=354 |
| Brains Are Gross | Lincoln: Did you guys ever notice how brain is actually a pretty gross word. / Elizabeth: I never really thought about it, I guess. It doesn't seem that gross. / Lincoln: Well you should think about it! Every time I hear it, it totally conjures up these images of gross slimy sponginess. Also: pulsating. So gross! / Elizabeth: Maybe YOU should think about it. I'm thinking about it right now and what I'm getting is that brain is in fact a lovely word and that brains are beautiful and clearly the best organ. / Lincoln's Brain: Yes, Lincoln, think about it. The brain is a wonderful thing and certainly not gross in any way. You love the brain. You will do anything for the brain. The brain is your most trusted friend. / {{title text - Have you ever heard that song Maggot Brain by Funkadelic? I haven't. The name grosses me out too much.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=355 |
| Ichthys | Rasputin: Hey dudes, what's the haps? / Phil: Whoa! Are you Jesus? / Abe: No, that ain't friggin' Jesus! That's Rasputin. You think we can afford somebody like Jesus in this comic? Why do you think we have Ichlor? / Ichlor: Hey! Ichlor maybe work for cheap but Ichlor as good a god as any others! / Ichlor: Ichlor even have a holy-cool son like that other Guy. Ichlor Jr, get in here! / Ichlor Jr: daddy, daddy! i did a miracle in my pants! / {{mommy said to show it to you!}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=356 |
| Lojban | Lincoln [at his computer]: Hey! / Freud: Hey what! / Lincoln: Oh, hi Freud. I was just reading about this language that some scientists made up. It's called Lojban. Have you heard about it? / Lincoln [now away from his computer]: Anyway, it's supposed to be all logical and consistent and whatever, who cares. What I want to know is how come some dumb scientists get to make up their own language, but when I try, everyone is all like "shut up Abe" all the time? / Freud: Um, maybe because they're scientists and you're just some lame old dumb ugly president who smells? / Lincoln: What does being president have to do with it? http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=357 |
| New Kinds of Sporting | [[Abe in safari hat]]
/ Abe: Hey George! Are you coming on the kiss safari? / George: I uh, is that... are you hitting on me? That sounds like a line you'd use. Anyway I'm, uh flattered, but- / Abe: Nah, dogg, I'm talking about some big game kissing! It's like a cool, humanitarian substitute for big game hunting, which I think we can all agree is manly and awesome. / George: Wait, so like, you are going to hunt down big animals and try to kiss them? That doesn't even make sense. Why would you even want- / Abe: Man, whatever! Have a good time not being manly! / [[Abe, with lipstick, approaching large, red-eyed bison]] / {{Aren't safaris more like in the jungle usually?}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=358 |
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