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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey pause it. I'm gonna go drop a deuce. / I.e. pitch a loaf, download some brownware, do the royal squat as they say. / Whatever! Just go. / Have fun in there! / I will! / *unpause* / WHOOOOO!!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread I think today I will make the world a better place! I will spread joy through random compliments! / Why hello there, Jose de San Martin! I find your girth to be quite satisfactory today! / Wh... what? / Well, that's one satisfied customer! Let's see who else's day we can brighten! / Greetings, Queen Elizabeth II! I wanted to let you know that I often notice how appropriate your luster is! / I... okay...? / Hey, George -- / Man, keep your freako "compliments" away from me! / Hmm... I need to get better at fishing for compliments.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread THE END / Nope. Still lame and boring. / Crap, here's comes the last panel... I mean first panel! And I don't think it worked! / Do you think it's working? I don't know if it's working... / Yeah, that's the ticket. Gimmicks solve every problem. / I figure if the comic is backtwards, it won't matter if it's boring or lame! It'll be COOL just because it's backwards! / I have an idea! What if the comic were backwards!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Some people have been bugging me lately about my famous stove-pipe hat. / "Why don't you wear the hat, Lincoln?" / "Lincoln, I think your hat is cool, you should wear it!" / "Lincoln, put these underpants on your head -- that'll look funny." / Give it up, guys, I'm not wearing that thing! It's bad luck! I was wearing it when the whole theater incident went down. I also believe the hat was cursed by VOODOO, but that's neither here nor there! / There's kind of a cool story about the hat though! When I was a young lawyer, I was known to use my whacky tophat to file my papers! Like, I kept them in there. Isn't that adorable! / Oh Abraham, just admit you don't wear the hat because it's too tall to fit conveniently in a comic strip! / Haha, what? I totally don't know what you're talking about!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Okay, so this guy, some professor, has written a book about me called "The Real Lincoln." It's all about how horrible I was (contrary to popular belief) and how I ruined this country by overstepping the bounds of the federal government by fighting the American Civil War. / It also talks about how I was a racist and wasn't really against slavery and claims that I was a power-hungry opportunist. / In all honesty, some of those things are true. I was a racist. Back then, science said that certain races were inferior, and I didn't know any better. That's a pretty lame excuse, though, I know. And it's true that I didn't care that much about slavery -- what I cared about was the preservation of the United States. / It's also technically true that I overstepped the authority of the federal government granted by the constitution. But man, the constitution isn't perfect. Look at all the amendments. I know there are proper channels for changing the imperfections we see in it, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. / Sometimes, when you're the leader, you have to make a decision. You have to do what you think is best, even if that means breaking the rules. I'm not always proud of what I did, but I think this country would have been a lot worse off if it had been allowed to fracture. In the mean time, I freed the slaves, which is good regardless of why I did it. / So does the book say you're gay or what?
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread current mood: anguished and/or tortured / current music: really sad boy / My life is pure pain! / My soul is like a crushed rose carelessly tossed in the fires of ennui. / Goodness! That Lincoln is so deep. / My heart tears with every breath, every thought, and the anguish drags my soul. / I fear this may be my last lj post. I fear I am fading away... / ...My mom is taking away my internet privelages. :(
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread I think today's comic should be about ME! / I'm the prettiest. / But Queen, the comic's called Thinkin' Lincoln... / IT CAN BE CALLED ALL ABOUT PRETTY LIZZY / Anyway! / ALL ABOUT PRETTY LIZZY / Abraham! Come tell me how pretty and nice I am! / Oh Queen. You are so pretty. And nice. / I know. Now go away. / Being in this comic bores me. GUARDS! SIEZE THE INTERNET!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey now! What's this? / It looks like my P.L.O.T. device has been activated! / Hello there. / ! / Who are you, and how did you get here?? / I'm you -- from the past! I figured out that you were going to invent the P.L.O.T. device in the future so I just made a note to use it in the future to send my past self forward to know. / Wait, I don't think that makes any sense. / Haha, probably not. I'm actually your son, Robert. The yellow light on the P.L.O.T. device just means it needs to be cleaned.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Robert, my boy, what have you been up to? You were what, 22 when I died? / I was 21. You died a few months before my birthday. Anyway, what I've been up to since you died is being the ambassador to the UK, the US Secretary of War, and President of the Pullman Palace Car Company. Then I died. / I heard you sued your mother and put her into an asylum for 3 months. Your mother was always kind of crazy, but that wasn't very nice. / I know, Dad, but I just couldn't take it anymore. For some reason she was completely convinced that you were haunting my pants. / She would write me letters about it and every time we spoke, she would demand I give her all my pants (including those I was currently wearing) because supposedly your spirit was inhabiting them and she couldn't bear to be without her "Linkykins." / Holy hominy! That's creepy! / Yeah, after the whole asylum thing, she wrote to me and said that I wasn't worthy to have you haunt my pants. I was like, "NO YOU AREN'T WORTHY TO HAVE HIM HAUNT YOUR PANTS." We never spoke again.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread So son, two questions: First, how come you don't look like the pictures I've seen of you? / Well the time travel gag wouldhardly have worked if I didn't look right. All I had to do was shave right and get a haircut. / Wow, you'd go that far for a joke? I'm impressed! Ok, so, next question: what in the name of Rip Van Winkle are you doing here? / Well... / You see, Dad, there's something I never got to tell you before you died... Dad, I love you. / Oh, son! Give your father a hug! / Also, I need some money.
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Gettin' Groceries Man, I hate grocery shopping, especially when I can't weasel out of doing it. / Let's see, what do I need to get? I'll just consult my stereotypical looking grocery list here... / Okay, milk, eggs, bread, laundry detergent... oh, lameness. I hate it when she has me pick up her... lady contraptions. / All right, I'll just get this stuff and go. It's not a bigg deal, no one's going to look at me funny. / Ok, I've got everything. Oh wait, there's one more thing on the list. What does that say? ... / "Smeet Pichies?" What the Cheboygan is "smeet pichies??" I hate it when she makes me go shopping! Her handwriting sucks!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Today is a day like any other... any other day that is fraught with INAPPROPRIATE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, that is! / Someone I loved dearly recently died! / That's awful! My condolences. / Truly, this is the happiest day of my life! / Things are so boring around here. I wish something interesting would happen. I wouldn't even mind if it was bad, so long as it was interesting. / Wait a minute. These facial expressions are supposed to be inappropriate, but for the most part, what they're really doing is recontextualizing what's being said and thus changing the meaning to become appropriate! / Shut up, you're ruining the funny!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread In today's comic, I represent the writ of Habeas Corpus. / I represent the U.S. court system, circa the mid 1860's. / And I will be playing the part of Abraham Lincoln (the part I was born to play)! / Today on... / Oversimplified American History Reenactments / Yeah, so I basically allow prisoners the right to a hearing to make sure they're legally imprisoned. Or something like that. I don't know, I'm not a lawyer! / Habeas Corpus, you're a maverick, a renegade! You're a disgrace to your badge! You are SUSPENDED until further notice! / What. / La la la I can't hear you, U.S. court system circa the mid 1860's!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Okay, so I just saw Blade Runner. I know pretty much everyone saw it years ago, but give me a break -- I've been dead for 140 years! / So anyway, I heard this movie was good? I thought it was pretty boring and lame, to be honest! / Yeah, so maybe when the movie came out, all that "symbolic" imagery wasn't trite and lame yet, but it sure is now. And where I come from, long stretches of time where a character just sits there staring at something isn't generally considered good -- it's considered boring. / That Rutger Hauer was pretty sexy in it though! Ooh ooh what a hunk of robot-man. / What! What are you, some kind of sick perverted robot? / Only a robot would say something disgusting like that about another robot! / He must never find out that secretly under this queenly exterior, I actually AM a robot...
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Well, well, well, if it isn't Abraham Lincoln. / Rasputin! You old dog, what are you doing here? / Oh I'm just in town for a few days at a conference. / Neat! So what have you been up to? Been keeping busy? Seems like I haven't seen you in ages! / I've been pretty busy! See, when they used my likeness in Hellboy, they had to pay me likeness rights. The money I made from that has allowed me to finally achieve my greatest dream! / Wow! So what was your greatest dream? / I always dreamed... of going back to school to become a dentist! / Check out these bicuspids!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Today, let's play... / IRRATIONAL VEHEMENCE ABOUT MINOR ANNOYANCES / Grr... I hate timezones! They make it difficult to coordinate with friends who live far away! / I want to SMASH timezones in the FACE with a HAMMER! / I really hate it when I'm at a urinal and some guy comes up to the one next to me and tries to start a conversation! / The next guy who does that to me, I'm going to push him DOWN and STOMP on his MAN BITS! / I, um... / I find it rather unpleasant when people put pickles in my sandwiches!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Oh, Mewsevelt, you're so LAZY. / Hey, who ate my LASAGNA. / Mewsevelt, how could I stay mad at you, you lovable scamp! / I love naps because I am a cat.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread How awesome are elephants? I posit that they are in fact VERY awesome! / Man, elephants are so badass! They don't care about anybody. Elephants are so sweet that I wrote this song about them. It's called "Bad Mojo Elephant." / Cue the music, Washy! / Bomp chikka bomp bomp BOMP chikka BOMP bomp bomp / I'm an elephant, yes indeed. Don't you dare make fun of me. / ...chikka bomp bomp BOMP... bomp. BOMP chikka bomp bomp BOMP chikka BOMP bomp bomp CHIKKA bomp bomp BOMP... bomp. / I will stomp and I will trample and I will do whatever I please. / I'm an elephant yes it's true, I have no regard for you. / I will gore and I will trumpet and I am right whatever I do.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread "If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" Haha! That's so true! Crazy vegetarians! / I think that's pretty debatable, Abraham. For one thing, people are made of meat. Why don't you eat them? / Who says I DON'T! / Haha, just kidding. No, there's an easy answer to your question: cannibalism is a taboo because it would make an orderly society much more difficult if your neighbor had to worry that YOU were a potential predator. It's rather like our taboo against incest. Our society would be worse off with ramang incest, so it's labelled as morally wrong. / Whatever. Why are you making fun of vegetarians, anyway? It's not very nice. / I have nothing in particular against vegetarians. I think vegetarianism is a little silly, but people have their reasons and if they don't want to eat meat, it doesn't hurt me. What I hate is when vegetarians try to push it on others and act superior because they don't eat meat. / Well, sure, but doesn't that really apply to pretty much anyone? And what about you? Aren't you kind of pushing your own agenda and thinking you're superior? / Queen Elizabeth II, why do you hate America?
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Let's talk about... POLITICS! / Hey George, how do you feel about politicians? / They're scum! You know what you call 1000 dead politicians buried at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! / Ha! What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead politician in the road? There are skidmarks in front of the dog! / Guys. / Haha! What's the difference between a catfish and a politician? One's a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other's a fish. / Guys! You were both PRESIDENTS. That's like, the king of all politicians! / Uh... pretend those jokes were all about lawyers? / Lincoln, you were a lawyer, too. / Crapburgers!!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread I have discovered the secret to success! / From a Mr. Snoop D. Dogg! / It's all so clear to me now. All you have to do to get everyone to love you is to change the words you say to end with the same sound so that they always rhyme! / Lizzle thizzle! / Darwizzle! Mizzle nizzle whizzle thizzle hizzle, yizzle? / I see what's going on here. / You're making a comment about popular culture and showing that as far as language is concerned, my theory of survival of the fittest does not necessarily hold up, since a language that fails to communicate as badly as the one you're using is certainly not fit, and yet has evolved. / Yes. That is definitely what I was doing. / I think the secret is working.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Man, I get the impression that Europe is pretty weird! / Yeah, like European pizza? Totally weird! / I hear that in Europe, people wear shoes without socks! / I guess they use the metric system and drive tiny cars? Kinda strange! / Also: socialism? What's up with that? / Ugh. Have you idiots even been to Europe in the last 100 years? It's a diverse place! Yes, it has some cultural differences from the US (which, I might add, is not culturally homogenous itself) but that doesn't make it bad! / Man, Washy, what's up with Europeans trying to be all reasonable about stuff?
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread BEARD BATTALION: ASSEMBLE! / RASPUTIN! / DARWIN! / LINCOLN! / Merge to form: Mecha-Beardtron! / All right... let's go get tacos!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey -- don't you hate it when something perfectly normal gets so associated with something bad that people kind of forget about the thing's normal use? / Um, maybe? What are you talking about? / I'm so glad you asked! / Okay, so today I saw a guy walking down the street with a backpack and a crowbar. Sounds pretty suspicious, right? But I mean, someone with a crowbar isn't automatically going to burgle something or murder someone! There are plenty of normal, legal uses for crowbars! / I mean the guy was the last one you'd normally suspect. Medium build, medium height, late 20's -- a normal looking guy! He DID have a small tattoo of a dragon on his neck, but having a tattoo doesn't prove you're a criminal! / But Lincoln, what if the person really WAS planning some nefarious use for that crowbar? And doesn't that guy you mention fit the description of the person you were trailing? / CRAPDIGGITY! I'm the worst detective ever!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread I've noticed that a lot of other comics regularly feature powerful religious figures as characters who make cameos or are even regular cast members. / For instance, I've noticed the Judeo-Christian God, His son Jesus, and even the Devil make regular appearances in a number of comics! / Why can't my comic have cool guests like that? / Lincoln, do you have any idea how much it costs to get an appearance from one of thos guys? You can't afford it! / Hmm, are there maybe any discount deities or other religious figures I could get to be in the comic? / Let's see. Well, it looks like on your budget you could maybe swing Ambrose of Milan, the patron saint of bee keepers... / Or if you're really lucky, you might be able to land Ichlor: Fishy Fish God of Fish. / You know what, I've decided that having religious figures in your comic is way too trendy for me. That's right, I am an iconoclast! I march to the beat of a cheaper -- I mean different -- drummer!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Today's comic brought to you by: NERDS / Nerds: Not Really Better Than You, But They Sure Think They Are! / Hey George, what OS do you run? / Oh I run Gentoo Linux. I compile it myself, of course, since it's so much better that way. / That's cool. I dualboot OS X and Yellow Dog Linux. / OS X is pretty cool if you like proprietary stuff I guess LOL. / Whatever, dude. Hey Queen, what OS do you run? / OS? I-I'm not sure. Windows I think? / LOL What a LUSER! Get it? Luser? / Like a user who is a loser? LOL
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread "Hello, Your Majesty," he whispered. / Coldly, she replied, "Hello." / "Elizabeth, it doesn't have to be like this! It can be like it was again!" / "Abraham! Stop it! You must get over this. You are only making it more difficult." / "You're tearing me apart, Liz!" he cried. "Why can't you just look at me? If you'd only look at me I know things could be okay again." / "Oh, Abraham," she sobbed as her resolve almost wavered, "you know that I cannot. It must not be." / Abraham, what's that you're writing? / Nothing!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Haha you guys, I can totally speak Latin and you can't. / Check it out: / ECCE ILLA MAMMEATA! / What does that mean? / Ha! Wouldn't YOU like to know! Too bad you're not cool like me and know Latin! / Oh! Here's a good one! / CREDO NONNULLOS HIC MORTUOS ESSE. / Hey, Lincoln! I got some Latin for ya! / SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread To whom it may concern: / I wish to make a complaint about the insensitive nature of this internet comic. I find it highly offensive the way you (the author or the authors) regularly make light of the assassination of one of this nation's greatest presidents. / Frankly, I find this lack of respect for the dead disgusting. I also take issue with the way other national figures are portrayed. For instance, I find it highly out of character for George Washington, the Father of our country, to be so rude and downright mean to Abraham Lincoln. / I suggest you make changes to your comic immediately, or face a boycott. / Sincerely, / Gabe Fincoln
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread OWWW! MOTHER OF BUTT! / Goodness! Are you all right? / Yeah, I'll be fine. I just stubbed my toe, but it REALLY hurts. / Can I just say, I am not a fan of pain. If pain had sporting events, I would not show up with my face and belly painted in pain's colors with my buddies and we wouldn't spell out P-A-I-N in big letters on our backs. / I know pain isn't pleasant, but it's really a necessary survival trait. If we didn't have pain, we wouldn't know when things were wrong. And if pain wasn't unpleasant, we wouldn't do anything about it when we did know. / Yeah, I know. But ok, now I've stubbed my toe. I understand that stubbing my toe is bad and that I've probably done some minor tissue damage. But it STILL HURTS, and there's little I can do about it. It's a flaw in the system is all I'm saying. I'd blame God, but I don't think I can afford to blame Him, so I'll have to blame Ichlor: Fishy Fish God of Fish. / Ichlor gets blamed for everything.
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