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| Hogging the Ground | Abe Lincoln: Oh man, my favorite holiday is coming up in a few days! / Zombie Mark Twain: Presidents Day isn't for like a couple more weeks yet, check a calendar. / Abe Lincoln: No dude! Not Presidents Day, Groundhog Day! / [[Punxsutawney Phil peeks out from behind the couch, thinking]]
/ Punxsutawney Phil {{Thought Bubble}}: Yes! Now's my chance to finally be the cool dude of these guys! / Abe Lincoln: Yup! No other holiday lets humanity really give those smug little ground hogging buggers the humiliation they so richly deserve. Old dude in a hat yankin it out of a hole and just parading it around like a circus. / [[Punxsutawney Phil sits on the couch with a sad and slightly horrified look on his little rodent face]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=599 |
| Ammunition | [[Abe has an angry face]]
/ Abe Lincoln: All right, that's it. George has gone TOO FAR this time! / Lizzy: That he most certainly has! This is an act of war and we must retaliate! / Abe Lincoln: I know. Listen, here's the plan. We're going to go over to his house and pee on everything. / Lizzy: I like it. Simple but effective. Let's stop by the convenience mart and pick up some Gatorades on the way. / Abe Lincoln: All right, but let's make it some of those Huge Gulp buckets of soda pop. Those things have more ammo. / [[Close up on Lincoln's face. Text is italicized to indicate intense voice.]]
/ Abe Lincoln: And we're going to need all the pee ammo we can muster. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=600 |
| The Boy Who Cried Spam | Abraham Lincoln [[in front of laptop]]: This sucks! / Abe: Stupid spam filters! I'm trying to send my friends joke emails pretending to be spams! Stop filtering me! / LATER:
/ Edgar Allan Poe [[wearing a sleeping cap, carrying a teacup]]: Ahh, what a lovely morning. Hey, I should check my email. / Poe [[with laptop]]: Bleh, nothing good. I wonder if I've gotten any amusing spam lately. / [[Poe's inbox features at least 15 e-mails from sender: ALinc0ln1865@thinkin-lincoln.com]]
/ [[Subjects, some cut off:
/ GET SOMEV1 AGG RA
/ hey hot stuff i am a beautiful rus
/ ch3ck 0ut 0ur c1al1s d00d
/ SALE! SALE! SALE! butts
/ poe
/ poe are you even getting these
/ device are chronomasters!
/ finally make her happy ;D ;) :o :Y
/ dude
/ dude come on this is funny
/ oh dang I bet I'm getting filtered
/ dude >:(
/ dude poe emergency!
/ dude poe READ YOUR EMAILS!!!
/ HELP crapped my pants]] / {{Alt/Title text: Today is talk to inanimate objects day}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=601 |
| Sick Day | [[Abe has a green face, red nose, and holds a Kleenex as he speaks on the phone.]]
/ Abe Lincoln: I'm sorry boss, I'm just too sick to come in today.
/ Mr. Shackleton {{Speaking from the phone headset}}: Like Hell. Listen, you get your lazy hide in here pronto on the double. / [[Mr. Shackleton is also on the phone]]
/ Abe Lincoln {{Speaking from phone headset}}: Don't forget that it's illegal if you don't let me stay home from being sick, boss.
/ Mr. Shackleton: Ah dammit. / < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=602 |
| Chaos Mustache | [[Shackleton is sleeping. He has many mustaches growing off his mustache that reach well past the bottom of his face.]]
/ Shackleton: [[Talking in his sleep]] Cursed razor merchants...zzzzz / [[His chain of mustaches start to lift off his fact and separate.]] / [[The mustaches turn into butterflies.]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=603 |
| Happy Birthday Abe & Darwin! | Lincoln: Charles, my birthday twin! We just turned one hundred and ninety-nine years old! This is awful!
/ Darwin: Awful? We're dead. How could it possibly matter?
/ Lincoln: Don't you see? In less than a year, we'll be over the hill! I mean, I could ignore it when I was only 198, I was still young! But now-
/ Darwin: So, what? Are you having some kind of after-life crisis now? Are you going to go buy a sports carriage and start courting someone way too young for you?
/ Lincoln: Charles! Don't you remember how we always said you can never trust anyone over 200!!
/ [[Darwin stares at Lincoln]]
/ Lincoln: I can't face my own mortality. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=604 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=605http">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=605http | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Presidents Day '08 | Lincoln: GEORGE YOU A HOLE I KNOW YOU DELIBERATELY GOT BORN NEAR MY BIRTHDAY TO SCREW ME OUT OF MY OWN HOLIDAY / Washington: WHAT THE HELL I COULDN'T SEE THE FUTURE FROM THE WOMB IT'S MORE LIKELY YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE TO SCREW ME OVER / Hamlin: Guys! Presidents Day isn't a day for fighting! It's a day for, umm, well I guess car sales and stuff. / [[Lincoln and Washington shown racing towards each other]] / < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=606 |
| The JLA Took My Baby Away | Abraham Lincoln: I think if you had like, a wife, and she left you for Batman, it'd be hard to feel too bad about it. / Amelia Earhart: What, really? If Batman took your girl, you'd be OK with it? That doesn't make a lot of sense! / George Washington: No, I see what he's saying. If she leaves you for Batman, it's not like it was your fault, or there was anything you could have done. / Abe: Yeah, I mean he's Batman! If I'm maybe only a step below him, I'm still feeling pretty good about myself.
/ I mean, I'd leave me for Batman too, given half a chance. / Amelia [[speech bubble cutting into Abe's]]: So would I! / Amelia: Oh uh sorry. I didn't mean to sound quite so eager.
/ Ahem. / {{Alt/Title text: Given time to prepare, Batman will always know the perfect way to steal a dude's girlfriend.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=607 |
| Pythagoras | Pythagoras: Hey everybody, what's happening! / George: Who's this guy? / Pythagoras: It's me, Pythagoras! Famed Greek Mathematician and all around party dude! / [[Abe's 'gaydar' pings.]] / Abe: Whoa are you gay? [[Abe regrets saying this and looks down, ashamed]] Sorry, that was rude. That was really rude. Sorry. Geez. / Pythagoras: Gay? You bet I'm gay! / [[Background: triangles and stuff, the Pythagorean theorem, and rainbow colors. Text: Gay for Math! Pythagoras is quite happy]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=608 |
| A Token of Friendship | Abraham Lincoln: OK but Pythagoras are you regular gay too? / Pythagoras: Well, not that it’s really any of your business, but yes, I’m gay. / Abe: Sweet awesome! Now I can finally be one of those cool dudes who has a gay friend! / [[ Abe imagines the next three panels, outlined in thought bubbles: ]]
/ Abe: Hey, all you party-goers at this party that I am the life of! I want to introduce you all to my totally gay friend, Pythagoras! / Pythagoras: Truly, every gay person agrees that Abe Lincoln is a modern man of action who deserves high amounts of respect! / Pythagoras: Ladies, he’s quite a catch! I’d make a pass at him myself if it weren’t for the fact that he’s so straight and manly! / {{Alt/title text: He deserves at least 400 units of respect.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=609 |
| Racism! | Lincoln: Oh hey Emperor Norton. How you been, dude?
/ Emperor Norton: Oh, I am just dandy! Just because I live in an alley and sleep in this blanket that was formerly owned by an incontinent dog doesn't mean I want your pity!
/ Lincoln: Uh OK cool. So um what are you up to right now then. / [[Emperor Norton is seen with three pigeons]]
/ Emperor Norton: Oh, just having a debate about foreign policy with these gentlemen. / Emperor Norton: Though Alberto here is being a big racist!
/ Pigeon: C-coo coo cooo coo. / Lincoln: Pssh. Just what you'd expect from a pigeon. / Emperor Norton: SIR! THAT IS RACIST SIR!
/ Emperor Norton: HOW THE MIGHTY FALL. THE GREAT EMANCIPATOR BECOMES WHAT HE MOST HATED. / Lincoln: Wait, when did I turn into a log where when you chop it, one half flies up and hits you in the face while like three pretty girls are watching?? / {{title text: Most pigeons are racist though. I mean sometimes there's a reason why the stereotype exists.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=610 |
| Diaper Goblin | [[Lincoln peeks in the corner]] / [[Lincoln peeks from the top]] / Lincoln: GOSH DANG IT WHERE'S MY HAT!!! I NEED IT FOR IMPORTANT REASONS!! / Elizabeth: I'm afriad I haven't seen it-
/ Wait a second! Diaper Goblin!! / Elizabeth: He'll wear anything as a diaper! / [[LATER:
/ Lincoln is wearing a smelly hat with holes in it]]
/ Off screen character: Hey everyone, Abe's here! Let's all look directly at him as we welcome him to this meeting of the Fastidious Haberdashers Club! / {{It's always the last place you think to look.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=611 |
| The Queen's Small Friend | Abe Lincoln: George! I'm worried about Liz. I think... I think she may be going a little nutso. / Abe Lincoln: Earlier, I was looking for my hat and she said a "diaper goblin" had stolen it and used it for a diaper. And then she gave it back to me with some holes cut out of it and it smelled real bad. / George Washington: Are you serious? Liz has an imaginary friend? That's kind of hilarious. / Abe Lincoln: [[His eyes get huge]] It's not hilarious! It's a serious thing! It's seriously a thing! / [[Lizzy is being chased by Diaper Goblin as Abe and George look on from the background]]
/ Lizzy: AAH NO YOU CAN'T USE MY CROWN FOR A DIAPER!! / Abe Lincoln: Okay it is a little hilarious. / {{Alt Text: Sometimes you just have to turn and face your demons/diaper goblins.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=612 |
| Hallucination Goes Boink | [[Lizzy and Diaper Goblin are next to a cardboard box labeled "Time Machine"]]
/ Lizzy: I'm bored, Diaper Goblin. Let's take a trip in my new time machine! / [[Lizzy and Diaper Goblin are in the "Time Machine" wearing goggles.]]
/ Lizzy: Woo! / Lizzy: Look, DG! We made it to the past! There's Abe Lincoln! / [[Diaper Goblin has stinky lines. Lizzy has a ! over her head.]] / Lizzy: DIAPER GOBLIN!! YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE THE TIME MACHINE AS A DIAPER!!! / [[Diaper Goblin shrugs.]] / {{Alt Text: Stinky sense tingling!}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=613 |
| The Geometry of Love | Lincoln: Hey, so Young Martha, do you want to like have a date now! / Young Martha Washington: OK! Let's-- / George Washington: Young Martha, no! Don't do it! I still love you! / Lincoln: Um George do you mind we're TRYING not to have a creepy love triangle going on right now. / Pythagoras: More like a love trapezoid, am I right fellas? / [[Diagram of a Love Trapezoid, with arrows going from Pythagoras to Lincoln and George, and arrows going from Lincoln and George to Young Martha.]] / Pythagoras: Yeah, right. You guys are abominable human beings. Smell ya later, chuckleheads! / {{Title Text: I know right now you're thinking, how many more gay math jokes can there be! I don't know either but I promise you, dear reader, I will get to the bottom of it.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=614 |
| The Moods of Mewsevelt | [[Mewsevelt is doing his smile the entire time. His expression never changes.]] / THE MOODS OF MEWSEVELT / happy / sad / confused / angry / suspicious / ornery / itchy / heart full of murder / gassy / {{Alt Text: I hope this guide has been helpful to you and your family.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=615 |
| Anti-Newtonian Fluids | Announcer: IN THIS CORNER: The Furious Philosopher. The Soldier of Science. Hard hittin' from Great Britain, it's... SIR ISAAC NEWTON!
/ Sir Isaac Newton: Rar! / Announcer: IN THIS CORNER: The Nutter Butter. The Spread who can shred. The Non-Newtonian Fluid from the Washingtonian Druid, it's... SOME PEANUT BUTTER! / Announcer: It's Newton himself against the very fluids named to spite him- in the knock-down, drag-out battle royale of the century! FIGHT! / Sir Isaac Newton: You think you can get away with it?! YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH HAVING A VISCOSITY THAT VARIES WITH APPLIED STRESS? / Sir Isaac Newton: Let's see how you like... THE NEWTON MANEUVER!!!
/ [[Sir Isaac has his tongue out and appears to be attempting to assault the open jar of peanut butter with his tongue]] / Abe Lincoln [[quietly]]: Hello, 911? There's a crazy guy in my house and he's licking all my peanut butter. / {{Alt Text: For more on the Newton Maneuver, see issue 328! -- Ed. Wait, I don't know anybody named Ed. -- Miles.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=616 |
| The First Date | Abe Lincoln: So, this is a date! We're having a date! / Young Martha: That would appear to be the most logical explanation for the circumstances, yes. / Young Martha: Haha, sorry. I guess I don't need to be snarky all the time. So, uh... see anything you like on the menu? / Abe Lincoln: Ummm... / El Tiburablo: hey. hey lincoln. say something awkward about the seafood. / Abe Lincoln: Shut up, you stupid invisible shark! I'm not going to say anything awkward! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=617 |
| And a Movie | Young Martha: I hope this movie is good!
/ Abe Lincoln: I'm sure they wouldn't charge 10 bucks if it weren't going to be good! / Young Martha and Abe Lincoln: *silence* / Abe Lincoln: yaaaaawn / Young Martha: Abe, did you just put an arm you don't have around some shoulders I don't have? / Abe Lincoln: *sexy face* / Abe Lincoln: In my mind. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=618 |
| Frigyes Karinthy | [[Abe Lincoln is using an Apple laptop]]
/ Abe Lincoln: Whoa! Liz, check this out! there's a Hungarian author dude from like a hundred years ago named Frigyes Karinthy! / Queen Elizabeth II: Er... OK. So what? / Abe Lincoln: Come on! The dude's name is FRIG YES!
/ Abe Lincoln: I mean, can you even do that? Can you even have a name like that? / Queen Elizabeth: Apparently you can in Hungary, 100 years ago. / Abe Lincoln: All right, cool. Catch you on the flip side! / Narrator: Hungary, 100 years ago:
/ Abe Lincoln: Hello, my name is Crapwhynot Lincoln!
/ Hungarian: wow, you must be from around here! / {{tooltip: Frigyes Karinthy was a big disappointment to his father, Dangitno Karinthy.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=619 |
| The Art of War | Lincoln: Yeah, well you can eat a sweaty jockstrap, George! / Washington: Why's it always gotta be jockstraps with you, man. / Lincoln: "In war, a man's greatest weakness is the jockstrap." - Sun Tzu, the Art of War / Washington: Sun Tzu never said that. / Lincoln: No man, Sun Tzu was big on jockstrap warfare! he said that the only unbeatable strategy in war is to sneak into the tents of your opposing generals on the eve of a big battle and switch their jockstraps. / Lincoln: Then, as the batte begins, you unfurl a huge sign that says "WE SWITCHED YOUR JOCKSTRAPS." Your enemy will know the truth of your words and cannot fail to flinch at the onslaught of your own soldeirs, secure in their proper jockstraps. / {{alt-text: Sun Tzu is breakdancing in his grave right now. Not because of the comic or anything, that's just the kind of dude he is.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=620 |
| St. Patrick's Day '08 | Lincoln: yeah right like I want a big mug of leprechaun whizz!! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=621 |
| Systems of Measurement | Lincoln: You know what? Nuts to the metric system! / Lincoln: People in other countries are always making fun of America because we don't use the metric system, but nuts to that! The metric system is great for science, and guess what OUR SCIENTISTS USE IT! For regular people though, the imperial system works. My foot is about a foot long. A section of my finger is about an inch long. It's a system designed to make sense to humans! / Lincoln: No offense or anything, Liz.
/ Queen Elizabeth II: Huh? What? Oh. Well you know I think a lot of people in Britain still use imperial units for various things. / Queen Elizabeth II: I don't really know, since I use my own arbitrary and inscrutable system. / Narrator: EARLIER:
/ Queen Elizabeth II: Jeeves! I specifically demanded 3 4/7 Patrooners of butter on my scone and for my cup to be filled with exactly 9 Kerliworths of tea!
/ Queen Elizabeth II: Instead my scone has no less then 7, count them 7, Periwumps of butter! And I don't even want to look at my teacup right now. / Queen Elizabeth II: Guards! Throw this wretched butler in the dungeon for a period of at least 2 Gamsquawks!
/ Jeeves/Guard: Your majesty.
/ Jeeves/Guard: You are stupid. / {{Tooltip: Any more than 9 keliworths and I get a tummy ache, but any less and I don't feel satisfied.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=622 |
| Cripz-Zoology | Ernest Shackleton: You know what my beef with zoos is, Jody? / Abraham Lincoln: Um... the animals aren't punctual enough? / Shackleton: The zookeepers. Those guys are a bunch of turd pouches.
/ Abe [[offscreen]]: OK? / Shackleton: Yeah. We got a client wants a poster to make people stop poking animals at the zoo. Throwing stuff at them, making gestures. You know.
/ You got an hour. / Abe: Eep! OK! I'm on it, Mr. Shackleton! / [[59 MINUTES LATER:]]
/ [[Abe is next to a green poster, depicting an elephant with a knife. The poster reads: ELEPHANTS NEVER FORGET
/ AND THEY NEVER FORGIVE.]] / {{Alt/Title text: My personal opinion on zookeepers is that they are probably not turd pouches.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=623 |
| Neither a Borrower Nor a Lender Be | Lincoln: Hey Poe, whats up can I borrow 20 bucks.
/ Poe: What? No! You still owe me 20 from before, plus a screwdriver and three pickles. / Lincoln: You know, I was reading an interesting fact recently that it's illegal to keep ravens as pets, but entirely legal to kill them.
/ Poe: Are you threatening my ravens? I'm definitely not loaning you money now! / Narrator: SOON:
/ [[A police officer is standing beside Lincoln.]]
/ Lincoln: There he is, officer! That man is keeping pet ravens illegally! / [[Poe is surrounded by ravens, apparently appearing from (behind?) his head.]]
/ Poe: Actually, officer, I think you'll find that all my ravens are undead, and therefore perfectly legal. / [[The ravens fly towards the police officer]]
/ Police officer: Well, everything appears to be in order-- / [[The ravens fly away, and the police officer is reduced to only a hat and a notepad.]] / {{Wait, did he say everything was cool? My bad.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=624 |
| Can't Think of a Knotts Pun | Lincoln: You monster! You killed Officer Don Knotts, and not even for any reason! / Poe: Oh, whatever. There's like a hundred of those guys around. I think they're clones or robots or something. / Officer Don Knotts: Afternoon, gentlemen. I hope everyone's abiding some laws around here. / Lincoln: Oh yeah. What's the deal with that anyway. / [[DOWN AT THE PRECINCT
/ The scene is set in a bee hive with one Don Knotts wearing a crown]]
/ Officer Don Knotts: The humans have slain another drone, your majesty.
/ King Don Knotts: THE NOT-KNOTTS MUST PAY FOR THEIR INSOLENCE!
/ It's time... to ENFORCE JAY-WALKING STATUTES! / {{It is imperative that you read this comic aloud in your best Don Knotts voice.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=625 |
| The PLOT Strikes Back | Abe: Guh I am sooooo bored.
/ [P.L.O.T. device appears next to Abe]
/ Abe: I think it's time to dust off the ol' Poly-Logistical Orientation Transposer device!
/ Rasputin: What is that thing?
/ Abe: It's the P.L.O.T. device! It's a thing that lets me do basically anything sciency.
/ Rasputin: Uh... h-how does that work?
/ [Blue light on P.L.O.T. device turns on]
/ Abe: I invented it! Anyway today I think I'm going to use it... TO VISIT ANOTHER DIMENSION!
/ [ Abe is next to the P.L.O.T. device, looking uncomfortable. A disembodied armpit is on the other side]
/ Armpit-Guy-Thing: Welcome, inter-dimensional traveller, to the universe of disembodied historical armpits! ... it's awkward for us too. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=626 |
| Abe's in Soyland | Lincoln: Jeeze. Dimensional travelling really sucks so far. I've been to 8 dimensions and they're all so awkward. / Soy Lincoln: Well have I got good news for you! Welcome to The Dimension Where Everything Is Pretty Convincing Looking But Turns Out to Be Made of Soy! / [[Lincoln does not look amused]] / Lincoln: Wait, meat is made of soy in this dimension? What do you eat here? / Soy Lincoln: Well, you know, mostly everybody just photosynthesizes- / [[Lincoln begins eating Soy Lincoln]]
/ Soy Lincoln: Have you considered that maybe you make your own awkwardness.
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=627 |
| Misunderutilized Words | Abe Lincoln: What I'm saying is I know all these cool words that I never get to use and it ticks my clock!
/ Abe Lincoln: Like, "vex" is a cool word, but when do I ever get to say that? / Young Martha Washington: You could use it right now. Wouldn't you say that this situation is pretty vexing? / Abe Lincoln: OR like "slake," that's a cool word.
/ Young Martha Washington: Slake?
/ Abe Lincoln: As in slaking your thirst? / Young Martha Washington: Right. Well I think there probably isn't really any context where you can use "slake" and not sound creepy. / Abe Lincoln: What are you talking about! Listen to this!
/ Abe Lincoln: HEY SWEET DARLIN' LETS OBTAIN SOME GUSHING FLUIDS / Abe Lincoln: FOR SLAKING PURPOSES / {{title text: How come only old timey villains ever get to slake anything}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=628 |
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