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Scrapple, The Game with Words TM Young Martha Washington: OK so if you want to be able to use more words, let's play a game of Scrapple: The Game with Words TM! / Lincoln: All right, yeah! I'm gonna play so many of the kick-flippinest words! / Narrator: SOON: / [[A "Scrapple" board. Words from left to right, top to bottom: CARS, ANT, IT, HATS, HI, TOP, PANTS, NO, SO.]] / Lincoln: GRAH! I can't get a single good word! / Young Martha Washington: Oh gosh, I'm sorry. I just realized I actually haev to leave! We'll have to play again another time. / [[A couple of "Scrapple" tiles, forming the words "I HATE ME"]] / Lincoln: It's OK. I didn't have any good letters anyway. / {{title text; What are you talking about, guys at Hasbro, I totally made this game completely up}}
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Spooky the Sports Star Lincoln: Dangit! I think I made a big mistake when I started my webcomic. / Washington: It's the fact that you can't hit your character in the groin with things, isn't it. / Lincoln: Yes. YES! I would include groinal impact in every strip if I could! / [[Lincolns strip shows a skeleton]] / [[The skeleton it about to be hit in the groin with a football]] / [[Alas, the football zooms right through his pelvis bone, completely missing his non-groin]] / {{Groinal impacts lead to crotchwise pain.}}
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Pony! Poni! Poné! Abe: I wish I had a pony. / Amelia: Why don't you get one? You're Abe Lincoln! Who's going to stop Abe Lincoln from having a pony? / Abe: You're right, Amelia! I'm totally going to get one! / Abe: Yeah, this is going to be so badass . . . / [[Abe's thought bubble; in it, a pony and one word: HARDCORE!]] / SOON: / [[Abe is at his laptop]] / Abe: Amelia you have to promise me to never ever search Google for 'hardcore pony.'
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Man-Makeover [[Charles Darwin is holding a green beaker and a blue vial. He is wearing science goggles.]] / Abraham Lincoln: Oh Charles, Charles, Charles. This will never do! You think you're going to get the girls like that? Working on science all the time? / Charles Darwin: Um, but I was-- / Abraham Lincoln: No! You need a man-makeover! / Abraham Lincoln: The first step to being more tough: an eyepatch. / Abraham Lincoln: Yes! With that and the gnarly beard, you've got a real sea-captain thing going on. Chicks go crazy over that. / Charles Darwin: uh ok. / Abraham Lincoln: But it needs a little something else... / Abraham Lincoln: I know! We'll rub dead fish all over you so women will know you're into serious sea-business. / Charles Darwin: I just realized being alone is new my favorite thing! / {{Title Text: The stench of dead fish signals to a woman that the man is made of RAW POWER}}
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Deep Conversation Lincoln: OK Charles, there's a random girl. Go try out your new styles on her! / Darwin: That's Amelia! We hang out with her all the time! / Lincoln: TRY. YOUR. NEW. STYLES! / Darwin: / Darwin: / Amelia: / Darwin: I have no depth perception. / Amelia (off): Oooh! *swoon*
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Road Empathy Lincoln: I saw a woman driving behind me today who was talking on her cell phone and crying. She looked so sad! I felt really bad for her but I was also kind of afraid she might, like, rear-end me or something. / Washington: Haha, women drivers am I right? / Lincoln: What?! No! It wasn't like that at all! In fact, I was kidding. It was a man driving and crying on his cell phone. / Washington: That's reverse sexism! I'm gonna sue you for all the pants you've got. / Lincoln: I mean! It was... a kangaroo! / [[Lincoln is about to get punched by a kangaroo wearing boxing gloves]] / [[The kangaroo is holding a note: / I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT.]] / {{Probably a KANGAROO COURT am I right}}
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G-Rated Lincoln: You guys we need to clean our act around here. No more saying nasty swears! I'm looking at you, George. / Washington: What! When did I ever say nasty swears? / Lincoln: We have you on record as saying "butt-cruds" seven times today alone. / Washington: Oh whatever. What. Ever. What brought this on, anyway? / Lincoln: George have you ever considered that children might be watching! / Washington (O.S.): You mean like, hiding in the bushes? / Lincoln: Don't make it sound crazy. They could also be hiding in the ceiling vents! / {{They're in the walls!}}
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I'm a Sole Man Lincoln: Ughhh! I would sell my soul to the devil right now for a waffle cone! / <> / El Tiburablo: Hey, what's up. Listen, do you have any delicious fish souls instead maybe? I honestly don't got much to do with a grundy old soul like yours. / Lincoln: Do fish even have souls? / El Tiburablo: Yeah I think so! / El Tiburablo: Pretty sure, yeah. / [[Blank look on El Tiburablo's face]] / El Tiburablo: Gosh I really hope so.
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Fido the Dog Abe Lincoln: I wanna get a puppy! / Amelia Earhart: You should! And you should name it Fido! / Abe Lincoln: What's the deal with "Fido" anyway? Everybody knows it's a popular dog name, but nobody ever actually names their dog that. / Amelia Earhart: It was YOUR dog's name, silly! It's Latin for faithful or loyal or something like that. / Abe Lincoln: PSSH. No dog of mine's ever getting a wuss-baggy name like that. / SOON: / Dog Adoption Application / Status: DENIED / Reason: Wanted to name dog "Killer Power Punch-aholic Smash-Karate Fighter Spaz-mo-tronic Cannibal Pooch from Hell"
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Girls Gone Wired Lincoln: Hey Amelia, you're pretty much way a nerd, right? / Amelia: So what if I am! / Lincoln: Tell it to George! He refuses to believe me. / Washington: I'm telling you man, "she" is not real. / Amelia: What do you mean not real? I'm right here! / Washington: Everybody knows girls don't know from comic books or computers. You ain't fooling anybody, pal. / Amelia: What are you talking about!?! I'm currently in close physical proximity to you! How can you say I'm not real?? / Washington: Yup, you're definitely just a fat dude in a basement somewhere. / {{Come on everyone knows girls never talk about 'proximity' or being 'physical' ...at least, not around me}}
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Pro-Health Washington: I got some new toothpaste today that fights gingivitis and tooth decay and all that crap and it says really big on the label that it's "Pro-Health." / Washington: Which is good because I was pretty worried about what position my toothpaste manufacturer was going to take in the great pro- vs. anti-health deabate of our times. / Lincoln [[thinking]]: Oh geeze! I wonder what position MY toothpaste manufacturer is taking! / [[Toothpaste tube labeled "Crust - cool mint flavor - not actually TOOTHPASTE - POISON"]] / Lincoln: Huh. It doesn't say. / {{Maybe it's in the fine print somewhere}}
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Wordsmith Skeleton Shakespeare: Hey! / Abraham Lincoln: Huh! What? / Shakespeare: Eep! Sorry! / Um... / OK William, you can do this. You can tell the world you are not bad. / [ Shakespeare leans forward in self-assertion ] / Shakespeare: I'm William Shakespeare! I am not a terrible fellow very much! No. I am good! I am qualified! I am appropriate! I invented all kinds of great words like "majestic" and "champion" and "excellent"!!! / Abe: Uh, actually, it's pretty disputed that you necessarily invented all those words. And even if you did, most of them are made by taking a word that already was one and changing it into an adverb or whatever. / Shakespeare [ defeated posture ]: I also invented the word "worthless." / {{Alt/Title text: It's all true, ladies and gentlemen! Arguably.}}
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Mother Knows Best Skeleton Shakespeare: William you are just the biggest of all failures. Being a failure is the only thing you're good at all. / < / Mother Skeleton Shakespeare: William Skeleton Shakespeare! / Mother Skeleton Shakespeare: Nobody knows who invented all those words. It might as well be you! People will like you if you invented words they like, so get out there and tell people about your words! Go on, do what your imaginary mother tells you! / Skeleton Shakespeare as narrator: OK, MOM. / Skeleton Shakespeare: George Washington! You should like me because I invented words you like! Th-that's logical right? / George Washington: I'm listening... / Skeleton Shakespeare: Um, well! I invented the word "obscene". And "foul-mouthed"! / George Washington (O.S.): Go on... / Skeleton Shakespeare: I also invented, um, "arouse" and "undress". / George Washington (O.S.): Hot dog! Somebody get this guy a parade! / {{Go do what your imaginary, completely horrifying mother tells you!}}
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De Oratore [[Skeleton Shakespeare is approaching from the background.]] LINCOLN: Look everybody, here comes Skeleton Shakespeare! / JOSE de SAN MARTIN/QUEEN ELIZABETH II/DARWIN: He's the guy who's so popular and confident because of all the great words he invented! / THE CROWD: SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH / SKELETON SHAKESPEARE: Uh... / SKELETON SHAKESPEARE: Quick William! Think of a speech to say! Um... my fellow Americans, I uh... I promise you a made-up word in every pot! / THE CROWD: Woooo! Yeah! Go Shakespeare! / LINCOLN: He's an American hero! / [[Skeleton Shakespeare in front of the U.S. flag.]] / [[SHAKESPEARE: SO AMERICAN]]
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Sweet Revenge Lincoln: BUTT-DANGIT! / George Washington has replaced my ice cream cone with dog poo for the last time! / [[SOON:]] / Lincoln: Otto Von Bismarck! Just the mofo I'm looking for. / Otto Von Bismarck: What is it this time, Nancy? Break a nail? / Lincoln: Not this time. / I need your help! You invented the realpolitik so I bet you can tell me the best way to get revenge on Washington. / Otto Von Bismarck: Oh. / Um, I don't know. Cut the brakes on his car. / Lincoln: But won't it be obvious that they don't work as soon as he tries to back out of his parking space or whatever? You use your brakes pretty much immediately in a car. / Otto Von Bismarck: No, see, the trick is, you cut the brake line most of the way so that they finally snap when he slams on them as he's hurtling down a hill towards an orphanage. / {{Is that a specific incident he's referring to in panel one, or a Judge Judy-style general expression? YOU MAKE THE CALL}}
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Booger Patrol Young Martha: Oh my cod! I've had a HUGE booger on my nose for hours and no one told me! / Lincoln: Haha, that's pretty embarrassing I bet- / Young Martha: THIS IS YOUR JOB. YOU HAVE FAILED. YOU ARE NOW ON BOOGER PATROL. / Lincoln: Eep! OK! / [[Dark room. Clock shows 3:22]] / Lincoln [[shown in the doorway of the dark room "holding" a gun]]: BOOGER TARGET ACQUIRED! / Lincoln [[into a walkie-talkie]]: PSSHT. False alarm. The cameras picked up a piece of lint as a booger. Over. / [[Young Martha looks terrified]] / {{That device that looks like a gun is actually a sophisticated booger-wiping device. Filled with bullets.}}
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Viewer Discretion Is Advised [[Punxsutawney Phil is watching TV]] / Abe: Hey! What are you watching there, young man? / Abe: A show about tiny bathing suits? You can't watch this! / Punxsutawney Phil: But Dad!! What am I gonna watch then!!! / Abe: OK, OK! You can watch, um... DadTV! / [[Abe is in a cardboard box labeled DADTV above the screen and DADOVISION below]] / Abe: [[singing]] Flying Robots From Space, Flying Robots From Space / Abe: They have come to Earth / Abe: uh / Abe: to bite off your face! / Punxsutawney Phil: AWESOME!
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Original Pop Song Abe: All right, I'm gonna do it. / Abe: I'm gonna write an original pop song! / <> / [[Abe looks at a sheet of notebook paper]] / Abe: Dangit! All the good rhymes with "girl" are taken! / [[The piece of paper reads: / CHORUS / (check mark) Oooh, girl / (crossed out) you're my whole world / (crossed out) you're my pearl / (crossed out) you sure like to twirl / (crossed out) your name is not Earl? / (crossed out) when I see you I don't even want to hurl / (crossed out) you kind of remind me of a squirrel]] / Abe: Abe Lincoln, you are a lyrical poet! You can do this! / [[Under the last line on the paper he adds: / you make my heart unfurl]] / [[Under that he adds: / more line PANTS heh heh / why am I defacing my own lyrics / why do I always sabotage myself !! / >:(]]
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Avast! Abe: You guys, I just wanted to let you know I'm bringing back "avast." / George: Avast? Like as in, stop? / Abe: Yup, I'm bringin' it back! / Abe: You know, I- / George: Sorry. I meant, avast. Like as in stop. / George: I mean come on dude. You're going to start talking like a pirate now? / Abe: I wasn't doing it because of pirates! I just think it's cool- / Abe: You know what, screw it. I'm sick of pirates always ruining all my plans! / Abe: I'm going to tell the internet that pirates are officially over. / [[An internet message board that reads: / HEY YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT'S BETTER THAN PIRATES / Official Pirate forums > General Discussion / Author - Lincoln1809 / Message - VIKINGS! PIRATES SCUK!!~! VIKINGS RULE!!!!!!!!]] / [[Blackbeard at his computer]] / Blackbeard: I wish he'd avast.
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Vikings Lincoln: That's right: pirates are out, vikings are in. / Rasputin: All right, I'm in! / Freud: Me too! So what kind of stuff do vikings say? / Lincoln: Umm, I think they talk about raping and pillaging mostly? / RAH! I'm gonna rape and pillage some stuff a lot!! / Rasputin: Maybe we should look it up. / Freud [[looking at the book Common Viking Sayings]]: Ahem. "BY THOR'S SMOLDERING NETHER REGION-" / You know what, let's go back to pirates. / {{This only makes vikings cooler if you ask me}}
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The Haunted Website Lincoln [[looking at his laptop]]: Somebody help! My website is haunted! / Poe: I understand all of those words in isolation, but together they are gibberish. / Lincoln: Look! All my blog posts say "BOOOOOO!" now instead of what I wrote! / Poe: So you're telling me... your blog was hacked by ghosts? You did this, didn't you. / Lincoln: I didn't do it! I think someone on the other side is trying to tell me something! / Ghost [[on a computer]]: There. I hope he gets some deooodorant now that I've infooormed hiiim of his BO proooblem. Now he won't haaave such BAAAD BOOOOO. / {{Your average ghost is really just trying to save you from the social awkwardness of BO.}}
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Extreme Mediocrity Abe: OK, OK. What's the most extremely mediocre way to die? / Amelia Earhart: What kind of question is that! / Amelia Earhart: Can you even be extremely mediocre? Mediocrity is characterized by a lack of extremes. / Abe: WRONG! The answer is chocking to death on a sneeze. / Amelia Earhart: This is the worst game of Truth or Dare ever!
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Abe's New Look Abe Lincoln: You know what, I need a new look. I'm gonna shave my beard! / Abe Lincoln: Ah!!! / Zombie Mark Twain: Whoa! You had a huge butt chin hiding under there this whole time! / Abe Lincoln: No I didn't! There are tons of pictures of me before I had a beard and I never had no chin like this! / Zombie Mark Twain: Well you sure as shingles got one now! Maybe instead of shaving your beard hairs off, you accidentally shaved a huge butt chin on. / Abe Lincoln: That's an interesting theory, but, um, I think a whale just beached itself on my face.
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Perfectly Legal President Lincoln: Hey Liz, you want to go get some hamburgers? / President Lincoln: It's all perfectly legal, I assure you. / Queen Elizabeth: Why... wouldn't it be legal? / President Lincoln: It wouldn't! That's what I'm telling you, it's completely legal! / Queen Elizabeth: Are the hamburgers stolen? Or perhaps they're made by exploited third-world cows? / President Lincoln: No! I'm just trying to make the trip sound more appealing by removing any possible doubts! / President Lincoln: You know what, nevermind! If you don't want hamburgers do you want to go catch a flick? / President Lincoln: Statistics show that very few audience members are likely to be chainsawed in half at this theater!
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Prayin' in Vain Lincoln: Oh. My. COD. / <> / Ichlor: What! Ichlor here! What you need? / Lincoln: Huh? I wasn't calling you. I was remarking on what a perfect walnut this is! / Ichlor: Oh, you just taking Ichlor in vain huh! You taking me in vain? Don't take me in vain! It bad & it make Ichlor so mad. / Lincoln: Oh, uh sorry. I mean what's the deal with that anyway? It's just like, an expression, you know? / Ichlor: Look, Ichlor don't really know either. It in the manual, OK? / [[Book of God Rules / work in mysterious ways / get real mad if people take your name in vain / do all kinds of sweet miracles when no one's looking]] / {{Title: It's a book of rules for gods, sure, but it's also just saying GOD RULES!}}
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The Baldwins Young Martha: Who's that actor? He looks familiar. / Abe: That's Alec Baldwin. How do you not recognize Alec Baldwin? He's in like the top of all actors to recognize. / Young Martha: Well, I dunno! Aren't there like a bunch of Baldwins? / Abe: Yes... But most of them are Alec.
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Bangkok Lincoln: Kids! Are you totally bored of learning stuff? But you don't want to get bad grades and your mom all yelling at you and you don't get any more Nintendos? / Lincoln: The secret is that there's secret dirty jokes hidden in like all the subjects! / Like, take world geography. Boring, right? NO! I mean, come on there's a city in this world called Bangkok! / Charles Darwin: You think that's funny, kids, you should hear Bangkok's actual, official name! / Charles Darwin: The city's official name is Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit, no word of a lie! / Charles Darwin: Which translates to The city of angels, the great city, the eternal jewel city, the impregnable city of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukam, can you believe it!? / Lincoln: <> / Charles Darwin: What! I thought... I thought "Bangkok" was funny because knowledge is fun. We can't teach geography to kids anymore! / {{alt. text: This is what you get when I got 3 hours of sleep last night, jokes about the real name of Bangkok.}}
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You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Comic's About You Lincoln: Cod, you're such an idiot! / <> / [[Water effect]] / Ichlor: You wake Ichlor from slumber to call him idiot!? / Lincoln: I was talking to George! I told you the other day, it's just an expression. I'm not, like summoning you. / Ichlor: Listen, you call on Ichlor, Ichlor hears you. It annoying, OK? Ichlor return to realm now. Don't let Ichlor catch you being in vain no more! / <> / [[Water effect]] / Lincoln: ... / Cod, what a grouch. / Ichlor: ICHLOR WAS POOPING!!! / {{Not really sure how you make a water effect go poof to be honest}}
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Snow Sculptures Elizabeth: Come on, Diaper Goblin! It's finally snowy enough to build some snowmen! / Elizabeth: I'm building the queen of all snow! What are you building? / [[Snowman with a crown in background]] / [[Diaper Goblin is making a diaper out of snow]] / Narrator: Later. / [[Diaper outline in snow with smelly remnants]] / [[Lincoln finds the diaper made out of snow]] / [[on the phone]] / Lincoln: Hello, police? I think an imaginary goblin pooped in my yard. / Police: Sir / Would you like to try that sentence again / {{Sir you only get two chances}}
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The Superman Adventures Lincoln: I'm gonna start another new comic! This time about the adventures of Superman! / What kind of crazy things is that nutty Kryptonian getting up to! / Washington: That is stupid for all the reasons I can think of. / DC Comics already makes comics about the adventures of Superman. That's exactly what they already do. / Lincoln: What! That sucks! This thing was going to be pure gold!! / [[Hand-drawn comic]] / Man [[holding up his palm]]: High five everybody! / Man [[still holding up his palm]]: Come on, guys Don't leave me hangin'!!! / [[Superman flies in and high fives the man]] / {{Superman saves the day!!}}
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