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| Mr. Blonde | Lincoln: OK can we all just agree that blonde jokes are awful and move on? / Poe: Come on, what? They can be pretty funny! / Lincoln: Come on nothing! They're stupid and demeaning and they don't even really make sense. / Poe: Oh come on. No one really thinks blondes are that dumb, and plus blondes are seen as more attractive in the cultural stereotypes, so jokes about them being dumb are just a balance to that. / Lincoln: NO! It's- / Poe: Wait. What is that?
/ Are your roots showing??? / Lincoln [[with blonde roots]]: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO / {{Edgar Allan Poe has very little respect for blondes due to upbringing}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=659 |
| The Pink Bismuth Blues | Lincoln: Ooogh... my tummy feels all woobly. / [[Dressed as a doctor]]
/ Darwin: Drink some of this pink bismuth and you'll feel better in no time! / Lincoln: Ew, I'm not drinking that! I don't drink pink things.
/ I only drink things that are pink's manlier brother, red. Like blood. Or... firetrucks. / Darwin: You know, according to the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, we only think of pink and red as different colors because we have different words for them. In many other cultures, pink is just light red, the same way we have colors we call light blue. / Lincoln: The Saber-Worf hypothesis, you say...? / [[thought bubble with Worf from Star Trek with Saber-tooth fangs]]
/ Saber-Worf: Why does Saber-Data always get more chicks than me
/ Is it because he's a robot / {{Title: This comic brought to you by Peppi Bismow brand pink bismuth tummy de-woobler}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=660 |
| Abe's School of Fanfickery | Lincoln: Hey Eddie, you're a writer dude, right? Will you look at this story I wrote? / [[PAGE 3
/ Then Abe said to Harry "You're not the greatest wizard boy, I am!"
/ "Shut up" said Harry madfully. "I will punch you using magic."
/ "I don't know,Harry he looks pretty tough" said Ron. "In fact he looks like he'd be a better best friend than you, and also quite good at quidditch. I base these observations on his tough arms and strong looking thighs." said Ron.
/ "You're both so stupid!" yelled Hermione as her hair flew around whispily. "He's obviously the most handsome boy, even the History of Hogwarts agrees!"
/ Abe looked steely and furrowed his furry brow. "I'm not afraid of you Harry" he whispered robustly. "I've created my own spells you can never match."
/ Pointing his wand suddenly, he screamed out "KARATE-MALOTTY!!" / [[Poe reads the page]] / Poe: Um, well, I guess if I had a piece of advice for you, it would be that one difference between a good writer and a bad is that a bad writer inserts himself directly into the story, while a good writer inserts pieces of himself throughout the whole thing. / [[SOON:]]
/ Lincoln: Hey man, I thought about what you said and I revised my paper a little. Let me know what you think! / [[PAGE 2
/ Young Abe was already so good at magic that he decided to fly to his first day at Abewarts School of Magickry on his trusty broom instead of taking the train.
/ When he got to the castle of the school, he landed stoicly on the grass and quickly strolled powerfully into the great hall and started meeting the other students.
/ First, he met a boy called Evil Abe. "I can tell we are not going to get along" thought Abe as he casually cast a spell to make Evil Abe's underpants itchy.
/ Next he met a beautiful girl called Abelina who immediately liked him and gave him 20 dollars.
/ Suddenly all the other kids were high fiving and giving Abe 20 dollars. A red-haired boy name Abesly tactfully said, "Can I please be your weinery best friend" but he saw the great Abledore]] / {{Another difference is maybe that a good writer doesn't do Harry Potter fanfictions}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=661 |
| Come Dancing, It's Only Natural | Young Martha: What are we doing tonight? We should do something fun!
/ Let's go dancing! / Lincoln: Ugh, I hate dancing. You know how gangly I am. I am practically made of gangles.
/ Let's go to the movies or something. / Young Martha: Dance! / Lincoln: Come on. Isn't there anything else you'd like to do? / Young Martha [[from the left]]: HOW / Young Martha [[from the right]]: ABOUT / Young Martha [[from the front]]: WE / Young Martha [[from the top]]: DANCE!
/ [[Abe is shown progressively more annoyed/scared]] / {{Now is the time on Thinkin' Lincoln when we dance}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=662 |
| Sexploitation | Crocodile with a Beard: What's up, baaay-bay? Long time no see! / Lincoln: I am outraged, Crocadile with a Beard! OUTRAGED! / Crocodile with a Beard: What's yo prollem, baaay-bay? / Lincoln: It's the word "sex!" It was obviously designed to appeal to children!
/ Look at it: it's short and has an x in it, it sounds sleek and cool! Any kid would want some! / Crocodile with a Beard: Ha ha ha ha!
/ That ain't no prollem, bay-bay! Jus' say it how I say it: / Crocodile with a Beard: Would you care to engage in some beautiful acts of sinful slimy time, baaay-bay? / {{Kids are probably all like 'I bet sex is fast like zoooom! and it could jump over a mountain'}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=663 |
| My Computer Is in the Shop | [[Hand-drawn picture of Lincoln riding on the back of a unicorn]] / {{Title: Seriously my computer is so in the shop right now}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=664 |
| Lincoln Rides Again | [[Hand-drawn comic with Lincoln on the back of a unicorn]]
/ Lincoln: Unicorn, let's fight some crimes! / Lincoln: Look! An evil vampire! Let's kill it! / Lincoln: Woo!
/ [[The unicorn spears the vampire with its horn]] / Lincoln: Woo! Good work!
/ Wait a minute. / Lincoln: If the vampire's dead, that means your horn's made of wood. You're not a real unicorn AT ALL!! / Vampire [returned to life]: No wait I'm alive! / {{The unicorn's horn grows longer if it ever tells a lie}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=665 |
| The Number of the Shark | El Tiburablo: Hey guys! Who's up for sacrificing some babies?! / Abe: Uh, no thanks, I'm good. / El Tiburablo: No on the babies huh. How about virgins? Virgin sacrifice is pretty good too! / Washington: Yeah, that sounds pretty good actually. Let's sacrifice Lincoln! / Abe: Har har. Anyway dude, you are a lousy the devil. Aren't you supposed to like, offer us ultimate power or something *in exchange* for the sacrifice? / El Tiburablo: Look, here's my final offer: You guys sacrifice a pizza to me and I'll reward you with 20 dollars beyond your wildest dreams. / {{title text: And what the heck you can keep the change too}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=666 |
| Mewsevelt's Birthday | [[Mewsevelt is sitting and listening to an MP3 player. We see the back of George Washington's head; he is looking at Mewsevelt in surprise.]]
/ George Washington: ? / George Washington: Is Mewsevelt listening to an MP3 player?? / Abraham Lincoln: Yeah! Isn't it cool? I got him a kitty cat iPod for his birthday! / Abraham Lincoln: Well, OK, it wasn't technically for his birthday because he wasn't really born, per se, and he's also technically ageless and undying, but ANYWAY I wanted to get him a nice present! / George Washington: Um, OK. Well what's he got loaded on this thing? What's he listening to?
/ George Washington: Probably something super creepy, I bet. Like the sound of a murderer's finger bones creaking quietly as he contemplates strangling a little girl. / [[Zoom in on Mewsevelt's MP3 player]]
/ MP3 player: NOW PLAYING
/ MP3 player: THE MACARENA
/ [[Three pixelated figures are shown on the screen of the MP3 player in various stages of the Macarena: arms extended, arms on head, and arms on hips]]
/ MP3 player: (CREAKY MURDER BONES VERSION) / {{alt text: I feel like Creaky Murder Bones could be a good name for something, but I hope I never find out what}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=667 |
| Slack-Jawed Lincoln | [[Lincolns mouth is wide open]] / Queen Elizibeth II: Abraham Lincoln! You look like an idiot yokel. At least close your mouth if you're going to stare at nothing for hours on end. / Abraham Lincoln: AH KHEE MUH MOUPH OHEN IPH AH WHAN HOO! / Abraham Lincoln: YUH NAH MUH MHAHM-
/ [[A bird flies towards Lincoln's open mouth]] / [[The bird enters into his mouth]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: HUCH! / [[The bird sits at a nest with eggs inside, inside Lincolns mouth]] / Alt-text: I combined two different kinds of birds when I drew this and I did it just to spite birdwatchers.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=668 |
| Numbers' Dad | [[Lincoln has a pen and a checkbook in front of him]]
/ Lincoln: I don't wanna balance my checkbook! I hate numbers! / Pythagoras: Hey shut your face! Numbers are awesome! / Lincoln: Yeah, what do you know about it, Beardy-Lumps? / Pythagoras: What do I know about it? I'm Pythagoras, the friggin' Father of Numbers! Yeah, that's right, I'm numbers' DAD. / Lincoln: Well in that case, you must have been an awful parent, 'cause NUMBERS ARE A DOUCHE. / [[A yellow, anthrophomorphic number "3" is wearing a propeller beanie and has a baseball glove beside it]]
/ Number 3: I just want to play catch with my dad. / {{Numbers sprang fully formed out of Pythagoras' head, a lot like Athena.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=669 |
| Identification | Hannibal Hamlin: Sir, I'm going to need to see some ID before I sell you all these alcoholic pornos. / [[Dollar bill being slammed down on the counter]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=670 |
| Text Emoticons: The Next Generation | Abe: http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=671 |
| At-Home Laptop Repair | [[Abe in front of a laptop]]
/ Abe: Crap-dangit stop being busted you stupid laptop!!! / Twain: What happened? / Abe: It "had a crash" as the technical people say, and now it won't "start working again" / Twain: Well hey, maybe the problem is something obvious. We should open it up and at least check if there's anything we can see wrong before you take it to some computer guys and they charge you a million smackers to fix it. / Abe: That's not gonna work. We don't even know about computers.
/ Twain: Just let me look. / [[inside of laptop- there's a paw with a thorn in it]]
/ Twain: See, I told you! It just has a thorn in its paw. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=672 |
| Righteous Wrath of the Faithful | Lincoln: I wanna be an elf!
/ Washington: I guess I'll be a barbarian. / Amelia: OK cool! You guys walk into a room. What do you do?
/ [[Reading the Dungeon Master Screen]] / Lincoln: I look around very carefully for any traps- / Washington: Screw that. My guy runs through the room screaming and waving his sword around. / Amelia [[reading form the Dungeon Master Screen]]: The barbarian runs through the room, triggering a poison gas trap, but he's too tough to care. Because the elf has a lower CON score, he is hurt by the poison.
/ Abe, roll a constitution check.
/ Lincoln: Uh, I got a 4.
/ Amelia: The barbarian charges off into another room, abandoning the poisoned elf. Weakened, the elf stumbles into a pit trap, which collapses as he falls, leaving him buried alive at the bottom. / Lincoln: CONNNN! / {{I defy you to think of a nerdier joke than this.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=673 |
| Go, Sleep Racer! | Lincoln: Oh no! I accidentally stayed up all night thinking about Pokémon and I have to get up in the morning! / Lincoln: What am I gonna do? Think. Think!
/ Lincoln: What would Abe Lincoln do in this situation? / [[Abe's thought bubble; in it, he is wearing a gold crown with red jewels and the label of "PRESIDENT"]]
/ Lincoln: You've gotta sleep fast! Sleep as fast as you can! / SOON
/ [[Lincoln is wearing a red motorcycle helmet with a black and white checkered racing stripe along the top]]
/ Lincoln: < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=674 |
| Performance Review | Mr. Shackleton: Lincoln, my office, now. Chop chop. / Lincoln: Yes, sir! What do you need, Mr. Shackleton? / Mr. Shackleton: I'm supposed to give you a "performance review" or some load of bull hockey. If I wanted to waste time on the most boring busy-work I can think of, why would I hire employees in the first place?
/ Quick, answer the question. / Lincoln: Um... I don't know?
/ Mr. Shackleton: Exactly. Get to it, Nancy. I want it on my desk in an hour. / [[Performance Review:
/ Employee Name: Abraham Lincoln
/ Date: right now
/ Reviewed by: definitely Mr. Shackleton
/ Areas in which employee excels: oh gosh I guess good old Abe is really pretty much the best possible guy at this job, and very attractive as a man to boot!
/ Areas in which employee needs improvement: My only criticism of my favorite employee is that he is obviously not paid enough money. And also that maybe he is just too appealing to women as a mate.
/ Overall performance: Overall, I would say Abe is equally loved by human and animal alike. Puppies see this guy and immediately know they want to be his dog. I once saw (over) / Mr. Shackleton: Lincoln, get in here! This performance review is terrible! / [[wearing the review at a hat]] Mr. Shackleton: The paper you wrote it on is too flimsy. You're going to have to redo it, on felt this time. / {{Abe Lincoln considers himself appealing to puppies and women, but for different reasons.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=675 |
| Soft Serve | [[Abe is licking a cone of pink soft serve]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=676 |
| Style Biting | [[Einstein is sitting there and Zombie Mark Twain approaches]]
/ Zombie Mark Twain: Hey! Einstein! You son of a birch! / Zombie Mark Twain: Quit biting on my style! Having crazy hair and a mustache is a Mark Twain trademark. People are going around thinking you're me, thinking I'm you. I won't have it! You think just cause I'm a zombie now I ain't got legal rights? / Vonnegut: Hey Twain, 'Stein. What's going on, dudes? / Zombie Mark Twain: You too, Vonnegut. I'm gonna sue all of you guys! / Beethoven: Hello, gentlemen! What's the good word? / Einstein: My cod... that upper lip...!
/ Vonnegut: It's so hideous...
/ Zombie Mark Twain: Beethoven, dude. You gotta cover that thing when you're out in public. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=677 |
| Live at the Apollo | Beethoven: [[Thinking]] Man, screw those guys! I bet they just don't like me because they're racist against the hearing-impaired. / Beethoven: [[Thinking]] I don't need them. I've got my fame, my historical legacy, and my burgeoning rap career! / [[A sign for the Apollo Theater that reads:
/ TONIGHT ONLY
/ BEETHOVEN'S
/ DEAF JAMS]] / {{I would honestly pay a lot of money to see someone rap in sign language. But I'd need a translator.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=678 |
| Kiss Wrinkles | [[George approaches Amelia.]]
/ George: You know, the wrinkles on a person's face can tell you a lot about them. / [[George and Amelia view Abe in the distance.]]
/ George: Like look at Lincoln over there. You can tell from his wrinkles that he's an ugly old grump. / George: From the very faint lines on your face, I can tell you're smart, and you love to laugh.
/ George: You know what my wrinkles show? / Amelia: I think I'm gonna go actually
/ George: The only wrinkles I have are on my lips, from kissin' so much, baby. / George: C'mere, let me show you... / [[Zoom in on George's face. His lips have rings around them like a tree stump.]]
/ Amelia: Good gourd, they're like tree rings!
/ Amelia: The most terrifying tree rings. / {{Every line represents another failed attempt to use a pickup line involving a lady's face wrinkles}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=679 |
| The Fart Parlor | Poe: Wow Abe! Now that you're super-rich due to that series of wacky and farcical adventures you just had, what are you going to do? / Abe: Why, I'm going to build a fart parlor of course. / Poe: A... fart parlor? / Abe: Ho ho! Poor penniless fool. Don't you know the true measure of a rich man is whether he can afford a special room to contain his farts? / Liz: It's true, I have several fart parlours throughout my palace. I can scarce imagine a life in which one is forced to remain in the same room with one's farts. How dreadful it must be to be poor. / Later
/ Abe: Oooh hoo-hoo hoo hooo!
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=680 |
| A Goblin Anatomy Lesson | [[Abe is sleeping. Liz is sitting next to Diaper Goblin.]]
/ Liz: [[whispering]] Shhh, Diaper Goblin. No sense waking Abe up.
/ Liz: [[whispering]] Now you just sit here quietly while I try to find my purse. I think I forgot it here when I left the party. / [[Diaper Goblin is standing over the sleeping Abe.]] / [[Diaper Goblin prepares to eat Abe.]] / [[A cross-sectional diagram of Diaper Goblin showing Abe sleeping in its stomach.]] / < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=681 |
| ...Ladies | [[Darwin approaches George and Edison.]]
/ Darwin: Hey guys, what's up.
/ Darwin: Oh hey Edison, did you ever read that book I gave you? / [[Abe peeks in the background]]
/ Edison: Nah man, I didn't touch it. It looked way too long.
/ George:...ladies. / < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=682 |
| Southpaw | Abe: Man, left-handed people really get the short end of the stick in Western Culture! / Abe: Like the word gauche in English means socially lame, and that comes from the French word for "left". Meanwhile "adroit" means like, clever and skilled in English, and it comes from the French word for "right". / Abe: And then the word "dexterous" in English means, like, agile, but it comes from the Latin for right or right-handed. And guess what the Latin for "left" is! Sinister. / Abe: What I'm saying is maybe I've been unfair to you, Otto! Maybe you're a pretty good guy but I just don't like you because you're left-handed and I've got bad cultural biases! / Otto: No. I'm not a good guy. I'm the guy everyone hates. / Otto: But the Iron Chancellor needs no pity. / {{My mother and mother-in-law are both left-handed. So, uh, hi moms!}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=683 |
| Lincoln & the Other Douglass | Frederick Douglass: Yo! Linky-Dink! You home? / Abe: OMG! Frederick Douglass, you booger brain! I haven't seen you in ages! / Frederick Douglass: I know! We've got a butt-load of catching up to do! / [[Abe and Frederick Douglass are on a pony.]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=684 |
| Van Buren on the Case | Van Buren: Hey Abe.
/ Van Buren: Oh hey, Frederick Douglass! How are you doing, guy? / Abe: Hey Van Buren.
/ Frederick Douglass: Oh uh hey dude, I'm all right. / Van Buren: That's cool, that's cool.
/ Van Buren: Listen, have you seen my pony, Aloysius? He's gone missing, it seems. / [[Abe and Frederick Douglass are riding Aloysius.]]
/ Van Buren: He's white and brown spotted-
/ Abe: Nope. / Van Buren: Well where'd you get-
/ Abe: Found it in a box marked "free." / {{Some jerk stole all of my ice cream too!}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=685 |
| The Book of Mystical Tomes | [[Abe is reading a book entitled Book of Mystical Tomes.]] / Rasputin: What are you reading there, Abe? / Abe: Oh hey Rasputin. It's a book I found that I think has magic spells in it. / Rasputin: You think it has magic spells in it. / Abe: Yeah, but I'm not sure. This text is really meaty, there's a lot to digest, but I think a lot of the meat is going over my head. / [[A large piece of meat flies over Abe's head.]]
/ Abe: OK I think I just cast a spell that makes mixed metaphors a real thing. / {{I guess the book has some mystical tomes in it?}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=686 |
| 10 Things You Never Knew About Abraham Lincoln | [[TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ABRAHAM LINCOLN]] / Abe: 1. He had the mutant ability to teleport, but refused to ever use it out of a sense of fairness.
/ Abe: 2. He once threw Secretary of State William Seward bodily across the Grand Canyon. / [[THAT SOUNDS MADE UP]] / Abe: Well come on! I'm like one of the most talked about dudes in history! There's like no facts about me that nobody ever knew! / [[WHAT ABOUT THAT THING WITH THE MARINARA SAUCE AND THE CLIP-ON EARRINGS IN YOUR GRANDMA'S BASEMENT WHEN YOU WERE TWELVE]] / Abe: Other amazing facts include he never had a grandma for some reason and he was born at the age of 13! / {{THE PEOPLE DESERVE AN ANSWER, MAN}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=687 |
| Regular Checkups | Darwin: Abe, you're supposed to go in for a checkup at LEAST once a year! / Abe: But I don't wanna! LAST time I went, the guy couldn't even take the bullet out of the back of my head and I ended up dying. / Darwin: Oh, stop being such a fussy baby and go see a doctor. / Abe: What! Did you just call me a fuzzy baby? / Darwin: No... but that gives me an idea.
/ Darwin: Think about it. Babies are evolved to be as cute as possible so their parents won't want to abandon them. The only way they'd be cuter is if they were fuzzy too. / Darwin: I finally know how to build...
/ Darwin: the ultimate baby. / {{I think I may have not been to the doctor in 12 years. So THAT'S awkward.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=688 |
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