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| Robot & Fish 2k8 | [[Lincoln playing DS-style video game]] / Washington: Oh man, you're still playing last year's version of Robot & Fish? What a lame-o! / Washington: The graphical upgrades alone on the latest version make the one that came out six months ago look like a dump in a waffle iron. / Lincoln: Aw man, but I can't afford to get another game already! / Washington: The one you're playing proves you're a wussy baby girl, while the fact I play this one proves that I'm a badass manly chick magnet. / [[Panel is hard-to-read screen shot of video game in very muted tones, reading: "Robot & Fish Advanced: EXTREME WAR KILLER. NOW FEATURING: gritty realism, no actual colors, hard to see anything. *PRESS START.]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=719 |
| The Olympian | Grigori Rasputin: Dude, did you see the awesome race last night??? / Abraham Lincoln: Sorry man, I don't even see race. I didn't even realize the slaves were black when I freed them. / Grigori Rasputin: What? No, I'm talking about the Olympics. / Abraham Lincoln: Oh crap! Is it the Olympics right now??? I've got to get to Beijing! / [[an airplane flying]] / Abraham Lincoln: I'm here, I made it! I'm ready to do the Olympics!
/ Charles Darwin: OK man, you're just in time for the last event {{pause}} marathon squatting / {{title text: We're currently in hour four of this squat marathon, and some of our competitors are clearly struggling.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=720 |
| The Goggles, They Do Everything | Lincoln: Hey YM! I baked you this delicious cupcake! / YMW: Wow, awesome! Thanks!
/ YMW: But why are you wearing those goggles? / Lincoln: Safety first!
/ Lincoln: Those were my baking goggles, now I'm wearing my talking to a girl goggles. / Lincoln: These are my goggles for when I'm checking the mail. / Lincoln: And I have to wear these ones...
/ Lincoln: ...When I'm pooping. / Lincoln: Also this hard hat. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=721 |
| Potty Mouth | Young Martha: Look, Abe, can we just agree that if we're going to be dating or whatever, you can't be talking about poop all the time? / Abe: DON'T TRY TO CHANGE ME, WOMAN!!! / Young Martha: OK fair enough I guess, but can you at least not talk about your OWN poop around me? / Abe: But then who will I talk about my poop to? / Young Martha: Not really my problem, dude. But hey, aren't you friends with a talking toilet?
/ Abe: Oh yeah! / Abe: Hey Talking Toilet! you'll never believe what happened in the bathr-
/ Talking Toilet: HEARD IT. / {{The joke is that being a talking toilet is about the worst life possible.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=722 |
| Sticker Bumpin' | [[Lincoln is holding a steering wheel]]
/ Lincoln: Ugh, bumper stickers are so awful. Look at this guy. / [[Bumper sticker: DON'T YOU HATE THE PRESIDENT]] / [[Bumper sticker: My OTHER VEHICLE Is Something Other Than a CAR]] / Washington: Oh like you're one to talk. You've got a bumper sticker. / Lincoln: Come on, that's not fair and you know it. / [[Bumper sticker: I HATE BUMPER STICKERS BUT I CAN'T GET THIS THING OFF]]
/ [[Lincoln's license plate: MRLNCLN]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=723 |
| Topsy the Elephant | Thomas Edison: Lincoln! You gotta help me, dude! Zombie Twain just found out about that time I electrocuted an elephant and now he's trying to eat my brains! / Abraham Lincoln: Oh dang, dude! Thinking elephants are awesome is Twain's religious beliefs! He's an Elephant Evangelist!
/ Thomas Edison: I know!
/ Abraham Lincoln: You're screwed!
/ Thomas Edison: I know!! / [[Nikola Tesla and Zombie Mark Twain appear]]
/ Zombie Mark Twain: WHERE IS THAT MURDERING PSYCHOPATH WHO ELECTROCUTED TOPSY THE ELEPHANT
/ Abraham Lincoln: He ran off dudes! But he said he was just trying to show how cool electricity is! / Nikola Tesla: You know, frankly Edison's electrocution of that elephant with AC power was incredibly amateurish. With my discoveries, it could have been done more efficiently with DC power, and wirelessly! / Zombie Mark Twain: WHAT / Nikola Tesla: Of course, I would never use it on an elephant. In fact I would only use it on the opposite of an elephant, which is, uh... ...clowns? / {{title text: Tesla was not a biologist.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=724 |
| Zombie Lobotomy | Abraham Lincoln: Wait. Hang on. You invented AC power, not DC power. That was Edison's thing. But the elephant WAS killed with AC power because Edison wanted to show that your thing was dangerous. How did you mix that up?? / Nikola Tesla: Well... You see, I-- / Nikola Tesla: Oops, I teleported very far away. These things happen when you're a being of pure energy, I'm afraid. / Abraham Lincoln: Whatever, I know you can still hear me because you're everywhere. Wait, where's Twain? Oh no! Edison! / [[Thomas Edison appears with a scar on his forehead]]
/ Thomas Edison: Oh, hey man. It's cool, he only ate the part of my brain that controls being mean to elephants. / [[Close up of Edison's eye with a rhino skull in the pupil]]
/ Thomas Edison: But I still hate rhinos. / {{title text: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a zombie lobotomy}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=725 |
| Dust Bunnies | Queen Elizabeth II: Blimey! Abraham, you need to dust more often. / [[with feather duster]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: I know! This is surprisingly gross. / [[using feather duster]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=726 |
| Election | Washington: Haha, man I feel sorry for these chumps who have to run for president these days. / Lincoln: Whyzzat? / Washington: I didn't even have to try to get elected president. I was like "dudes I don't even want to be the dang president" and I remain the only president to ever get 100% of the votes form the electoral college. / Lincoln: Haha yeah, these guys really gotta work for it.
/ I mean I had a pretty tough time the first time I ran, but by the second time basically everyone who didn't like me had quit the country and didn't get to vote.
/ It was sweet. / HRH Queen Elizabeth II: Haha, you guys had to run for election. / HRH Queen Elizabeth II: How cute. / {{alt-text: George Washington: proof of the concept of reverse psychology}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=727 |
| The Two-Party System | Lincoln: I think the two-party system might be a good thing.
/ Poe: Huh?
/ Lincoln: You know -- for president! I mean at least with a two-party system, it's more likely that the winner got a majority of the votes instead of just a plurality.
/ Poe: Weird. I could have sworn you were strongly in favor of third parties.
/ [[SUDDENLY, IN THE PAST:]]
/ Lincoln: come ON guys, two parties is NOT enough! it's only 2 AM, we could easily go to another party!!
/ Lincoln: where are you guys going...zzzzzzzzz...woo party http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=728 |
| Two Parties Bad, Four Parties Good | Lincoln: The two-party system is arguably more stable than a many-party system, and it also maybe helps to keep really crazy ideas from gaining a lot of traction politically. / Hamlin: Abe, you can't be in favor of a two party system! Don't you remember? / Hamlin: You basically only got elected in 1860 because the south divided its votes among the other 3 major tickets that ran that year! / Lincoln: What are you, some kind of history teacher? Huh? You gonna give me a TEST? / Hamlin: Tch-guh-AHH! I'M HANNIBAL HAMLIN! I WAS YOUR RUNNING MATE AT THE TIME AND YOUR VICE PRESIDENT WHEN WE WON! WHY CAN YOU NEVER REMEMBER ME!!! / Lincoln: Geez, don't get touchy. Anyway I'm pretty sure I won in 1860 because I bodyslammed all the other candidates out of the race. Yeah! And then I made my biceps the vice president! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=729 |
| Trolls | Abraham Lincoln [[on laptop]]: Ugh! Why is this stupid forum so full of trolls! Don't these people have better things to do? / Abraham Lincoln [[slamming laptop shut]]: Man screw this. I'm gonna watch TV. < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=730 |
| Much Ado About Thinking | Shakespeare: [Aside] Oh man here comes Abe Lincoln. Quick, William, think of something witty to say! / Lincoln: Hey dude! You don't have to think of something witty on my account!
/ Shakespeare: Why, uh, why whatever do you mean? / Lincoln: Oh, just, you know, because I just heard you say I was coming and to think of something witty to say. / Shakespeare: No, you're not supposed to hear that! Asides are thoughts only the actor and the audience is supposed to hear! / Lincoln: Dude Shakespeare, can't you just think your thoughts in your head? Oh. Right. That whole thing where you're a skeleton. I bet you don't got a brain, huh. / Shakespeare: [Aside] William just ignore his racism, don't let it get to you, you don't need another incident like the man who ended up having to get new eyeballs. / Lincoln: eep! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=731 |
| As You Think It | Skeleton Shakespeare: All right yeah it's true. I'm a skeleton and so I got an empty head and I can only think in stage asides. / Abraham Lincoln: Dang dude! That's gotta be so terrible! / Skeleton Shakespeare: Yeah it basically blows chunks through a garden hose. / Skeleton Shakespeare: Well actually, technically, uh, speaking, I actually can think inside my head. But since there's no soft stuff in there to absorb it... well check this out. / [[words bouncing off the edges of panel on a black background]]
/ Skeleton Shakespeare: oh william < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=732 |
| Backstage Passes | Lincoln: It's too bad your asides don't work, dude.
/ Lincoln: Oh man, what if, like, what if you really had the power to make stuff happen using stage directions. That'd be so totally butt-blastingly awesome! / Shakespeare: Oh, that? Yeah, I can do that.
/ Shakespeare: Check it: [Exit, Lincoln & Shakespeare] / [[Lincoln and Shakespeare disappear]]
/ Lincoln: Whoa!! Where are we?
/ Shakespeare: We're backstage, of course. / Lincoln: Oh duh right. Well, um, can you bring us back?
/ Shakespeare: [Enter, Shakespeare] / [[Shakespeare reappears]]
/ Lincoln: Hey! Bring me back too!!
/ Shakespeare: Hold your horseshoes dude! It's for dramatic effect. / Shakespeare: [Enter Lincoln, dressed as a chicken]
/ [[Lincoln appears, dressed as a chicken]]
/ Lincoln: Hey! / Shakespeare: [Lincoln enjoys his new appearance]
/ [[Lincoln smiles]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=733 |
| Tater Tots | Frederick Douglas: Tater tots! / Lincoln: Tater tots more like YAY-ter tots!! / Frederick Douglas: Hooray-ter tots!!! / Frederick Douglas: Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
/ pile o' tots / < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=734 |
| Guest Comic - Eli Parker | Ichlor: Your Ichlor Book of Mormon go too far! Ichlor not know if it more offensive to Ichlor or Mormons!
/ Lincoln: Probably Mormons. There's some pretty direct parody / Ichlor: Ichlor curse you with most terrible curse! From now on you no speak without providing hilarious context for getting kicked in the junk! / Soon
/ Lincoln: Um hey George. How's it hangin'? I-I mean what's kicking? / Lincoln: So I was just wondering if I could borrow a n-nutcracker... er... I mean Let's uh h-hang out and... / Lincoln: Let's play some hackysack. I mean football! I mean kickball! I mean... um Um / Ichlor: Ooh! Right in the Lincoln Log! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=735 |
| Guest Comic - David Malki ! | Franklin: I'm Benjamin Franklin and I'm an invennntoooorrr! / Lincoln: So what have you invented, invennntoorrr?
/ Franklin: Well how about this banjuba? It's a banjo that you play like a tuba. / Lincoln: That's horrible. / Franklin: I've also got this alarm strawberry. It's a strawberry that wakes you up for work.
/ Lincoln: Also horrible. / Franklin: THE ALARM STRAWBERRY IS ALSO A CANNONBERRY! < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=736 |
| Guest Comic - Chris Yates | Ichlor, god of the ocean / Lincoln: Blah
/ Washington: Blah
/ Ichlor: Why?! / Ichlor: Why do I even concern myself with these landies? / Ichlor: For I am Ichlor!! I'm god of the ocean y'know. / Fish Lady: Oh Ichlor! Yer so hot!!
/ Ichlor: Aw you fish ladies are crazy. / Sea horse: Uh we have a problem, oh great Ichlor.
/ Ichor: What is it? / Sea horse: Well it turns out that the ocean totally sucks.
/ Ichlor: Oh no! / Sea horse: Yeah it's pretty much crap.
/ Ichlor: You're right. / Sea horse: So what are you going to do now, oh great Ichlor??
/ Ichlor: Makin' me some of dem webcomics! / It's okay, Ichlor later returned and fixed everything so the ocean is cool. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=737 |
| Guest Comic - Ryan North | Lincoln: Finally, I place where I won't be bothered by SHAKESPEARE. / [[Lincoln stares pensively]] / Lincoln: A place where I won't be bothered by Shakespeare or George Washington or Queen Elizabeth II or Charles Darwin or Grigori Rasputin or Amelia Earhart or Mewsevelt or Edgar Allen Poe or Martin Van Buren or William Howard Taft or Nikola Tesla or Otto van Bismark.
/ Or Shakespeare. / [[Lincoln raises eyebrows]] / [[Lincoln stares pensively]] / Lincoln: If Shakespeare were here, we could play a game, and then I could accuse him of cheating, and THEN I could declare that I'd at least hoped a playwright would "play right"!
/ Hah! / Lincoln: TRUELY HILARIOUS! / Lincoln: Wait a second! I just laughed at my own joke! / Lincoln: With nobody else around, I am the only one laughing at my jokes. That is ultra times ten uncool!! I need Shakespeare here to laugh nervously because he thinks it'll make him fit in! I need George and the rest reacting to my comedy to prevent ME from looking like a loser!
/ Friends aren't just around to borrow my car if I had one or whatever. They're important! They laugh at our jokes! They make us who we are! / Lincoln: I - I need friends! / [[A giant pixelated head of a T-Rex (an allusion to Ryan North, the guest comic author's own webcomic) appears, evoking a look of disgust from Lincoln.]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=738 |
| Guest Comic - Justin Pierce | George Washington: Man, I sure could maybe go for a coffee about now. / Abe Lincoln: JAVA TEAM ALPHA, ASSEMBLE! / Abe Lincoln: COFFEE! / Punxsutawney Phil: CREAM! / Zombie Mark Twain: SUGAR! / Queen Elizabeth II: STEAM! / Abe Lincoln: We must only use our powers for good. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=739 |
| If Only | Lincoln: Haha YM what is with your video collection over here. It's all show tunes and Judy Garland. Are you a stereotype of a gay dude or what? / Young Martha: Man, don't hate crime on my DVDs. Besides, last time we were at your place we watched friggin' Blind Fury starring Rutger Hauer so I don't know where you get off criticizing my taste at all. / Lincoln: Whatever. Let's watch The Wizard of Oz, I guess. / [[Soon: Lincoln and YM watching movie]]
/ Movie song: With the thoughts you'd be thinkin' / You could be another Lincoln / If you only had a brain / Lincoln: Hey! That's demeaning! To me!
/ YM (off panel): What? Why? / Lincoln: It implies that all you need to be as smart as Lincoln is to have a brain that isn't made of straw! My brain has been rated at upwards of five times the capacity of straw. / {{It wouldn't surprise me to learn that the government had paid some scientists to try to calculate a conversion between straw and Abe Lincoln's brain power.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=740 |
| Floor Candy | [[piece of candy on floor]]
/ Crocodile With A Beard: Well hello... how long have you been on the floor, my precious little baaay-bay? / Abraham Lincoln: Crocodile With A Beard! Don't do it! / [[candy is hidden behind Crocodile With A Beard, presumably by his non-existent appendage(s)]]
/ Crocodile With A Beard: Whaow! Don't do what, Aaaabe-bay? / Abraham Lincoln: Don't eat that piece of candy off the ground! What if you catch a horrible disease off it! Like what if you eat a disease that makes you think like, you have serious eye boogers all the time! / [[candy is again in plain view on the the floor]]
/ Crocodile With A Beard: Nah, baay-bay! That just couldn't happen to a cat like myself. / [[Crocodile With A Beard's imagination]]
/ Crocodile With A Beard: Ladies! I got eyes fulla boogers and I'm lovin' life! WHAOW! / {{title text: The five second rule was designed to protect against Phantom Eye Booger Disease}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=741 |
| Rainbows | Abraham Lincoln: GRAH! Rainbows-- I hate 'em! / Queen Elizabeth II: What? How can you hate rainbows? / Abraham Lincoln: They're terrible. I'm colorblind and rainbows are racist against me. / Queen Elizabeth II: Now look, that really doesn't make any se-- / Abraham Lincoln: PLUS I had a T-shirt made in support of my position but for some reason everyone gets really mad at me when I wear it out. / [[Lincoln presents t-shirt featuring crossed-out rainbow and the word HATE]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: Hey guys check out my new shirt. / {{title text: I also blame rainbows for the fact that I can't wear this shirt since I have no torso.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=742 |
| Excuse Bee | George Washington: Honest Abe? More like Big Flappy Phony Abe Re: you are a big fake liar / Abraham Lincoln: Ex-CUSE me?! I'm gonna-- / Excuse Bee: Did someone call... EXCUSE BEE?? / [[George Washington is unimpressed]] / [[Abraham Lincoln is startled]] / [[Excuse Bee is embarrassed]] / {{title text: Nobody called you, Excuse Bee}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=743 |
| No Excuse for You | [[geometric lines presumably indicating a store in the background]]
/ Abraham Lincoln [[thinking]]: Who can ever find things in stores? Why do they gotta put things in all different places? / Abraham Lincoln: Excuse me, where can I find the really fancy hammers?
/ Salesperson: Aisle six, down there. / [[Excuse Bee peeks around corner]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: Thanks! / [[Excuse Bee attempts to hide]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: Hey! Hey I see you over there! Get out of here! / Excuse Bee: Aw shucks but I was just-- / Abraham Lincoln: No excuses! Go away you stupid bee! / Abraham Lincoln: No one is in favor of your existence!! / {{title text: Excuse Bee just can't catch a break.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=744 |
| Twitch | Shackleton: Lincoln, get over here. I fired everyone else so you're going to have to pick up all their work. Do it or you're fired. / Soon:
/ [[Lincoln scribbles frantically]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=745 |
| Calibration | Charles Darwin: Hey Abe, I'm having a party this weekend! You wanna come? / Abe: No I can't, I gotta... You know what, not gonna bother lying. I'm just not going to your party, Charles. / Charles Darwin: What? Why not! / Abe: Look man, your idea of a good time is like, measuring a thing and then comparing the measurement with the times you measured the thing before. / Charles Darwin: Whatever! I don't need you at my party! You can just go sit on it! / [[THAT WEEKEND.]]
/ Boom box: CAL-I-BRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON!
/ Charles Darwin & Boom box: Woo-hoo / {{Alt-text}} Do-do do-do do do doooo http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=746 |
| The Color of Dinosaurs | Lincoln: Man, I bet dinosaurs were all KINDS of crazy colors! / Darwin: Well, we don't have a lot of evidence of what colours dinosaurs might have been. / Lincoln: Right but I'm saying they were probably CRAZY colors like bright red and blue and purple! Maybe even ... orange! / Lincoln: I mean look at birds. Most other kinds of animals are gray or brown or other lame colors, but not birds! Like half of all birds spend their time trying to be the brightest colors they can even think of. And where do birds come from? Dinosaurs. QED. / Darwin: That ... that's actually pretty reasonable! I mean of course we'd have to try to confirm it in the fossil records somehow, but logically the only real problem I see is ... / Lincoln [[clearly not listening, because he is imagining an orange stegosaurus]]: Wow! An orange dinosaur! What an age we live in! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=747 |
| Pythagoras, Math Teacher | Pythagoras: GAH! Stupid kids are so stupid! / Lincoln: It's hella rude to go around saying things everyone knows just because you can, Pythagoras. / Pythagoras: Man that is like the complete opposite protocol from how we rolled in ancient Greece. / Pythagoras: But anyway, I'm trying to teach math to these kids, but they don't even care! For some reason, they don't think math is cool, even though it so obviously is. / Lincoln: Oh is that all? Getting kids to think stuff is cool is the easiest thing on the planet! / Pythagoras: This ... you just wrote out a simple equation and put sunglasses on everything! [[Illustration: the equation "(6+12)/4 = x" with sunglasses drawn over the numbers.]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=748 |
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