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| Way Sweet | Abraham Lincoln: All right, yeah, helicopters are definitely way sweet. / Grigori Rasputin: Uh, helicopters? / [[Abraham Lincoln with tongue sticking out, pencil behind ear, protractor, and blueprints]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, they just are, OK. Don't worry about it. It's a thing. / Grigori Rasputin: What are you doing?
/ Abraham Lincoln: Nothing, don't worry about it. / [[Rasputin pushes Lincoln out of the way to look at his blueprints]] / [[blueprints are revealed to be a unicorn pony made out of chocolate with a Robocop visor and helicopter blades]]
/ THE SWEETEST OF ALL POSSIBLE THINGS
/ ROBOCOP HELMET
/ HELICOPTER
/ PONYCORN
/ CHOCOLATE / {{title text: CHOCOROBOPONYCORNICOPTER}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=779 |
| Dirty Eskimos | Abraham Lincoln: You know that thing about how Eskimos have 17 words for snow or whatever? / Skeleton Shakespeare: They actually don't, I think. That's what I heard anyway. / Abraham Lincoln: Seriously? Well, anyway, I realized that English is like that, except with dirty words! I mean, we got a zillion words for weiners, a jillion words for knockin' boots, and a kabillion words for droppin' a deuce! / Abraham Lincoln: Do you think it's because, like, you always need new ways to say dirty words because euphemisms get used up and become dirty themselves? And like, you always want to dance around dirty topics? / Skeleton Shakespeare: Uh actually as a poet and a dude who made up a significant portion of the English language, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret / Skeleton Shakespeare: The English language was designed around the concept of dirty limericks. By people who poop a lot. / {{title text: Skeletons don't poop a lot.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=780 |
| Day Off | [[window showing sunrise]]
/ Abraham Lincoln [[thinking]]: Ugh, it's morning already. / Abraham Lincoln [[thinking]]: I really don't feel like having any wacky adventures today. Or talking about stuff I think is cool. Or any of the other weird crap that's always going on. / Abraham Lincoln [[thinking]]: Yeah, screw it. I'm taking this one off.
/ Abraham Lincoln: zzzzzzzz / [[black background indicating dream]]
/ Hannibal Hamlin: Lincoln! It's the first day of being president and you haven't studied at all! / [[black background indicating dream]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: Oh NO!! Hannibal, you have to help me-- Wait. This is a dream. All right, where's the skeleton in the underpants? / [[black background indicating dream; skeleton with underwear on head appears]]
/ Skeleton with underwear on head: I represent your fear of never getting around to buying new underwear!
/ Abraham Lincoln: I KNOW. / {{title text: Dreams reveal our deepest fears and desires.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=781 |
| Trendy Vampires | Vampire Charles Dickens: Ugh, these friggin' trendy vampires everywhere. / Abraham Lincoln: What! Vampires? Where! / Vampire Charles Dickens: Movies, books, etc. Popular media is lousy with them at the moment. / Abraham Lincoln: Oh. All right. They're bad, I take it? / Vampire Charles Dickens: Well for one thing, they're not scary at all. Adolescent girls see them as love interests! / [[Dickens has turned into a bat]]
/ Vampire Charles Dickens: In my day, we'd turn into a bat --poof!-- And then we'd stay far away from anybody who still thought we were sexy. / {{title text: I named the image file for this comic 'sexbat.gif'}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=782 |
| Newton Jacuzzi | Newton: Lincoln, y'ole dog! I ain't seen you in a squirrel's age! Shyoot. / Lincoln: Is a squirrel's age a long time? Uh, anyway, hey Newton. What's new? / Newton: Well dang me if I ain't just get a new one o' them hot jacuzzi tubs! C'mon, you wanna check it out? / Lincoln: Oh, it's one of those outdoor ones? That seems like it'd be kind of annoying. / Newton: Ah well, y'know, we got the cover on it ta keep out dirt and leaves an' I dunno, birds and whatnot. / [[Newton's Jacuzzi is completely full to overflowing with birds]]
/ Newton: Shyoot. / {{Well I guess we're gonna hafta use the bird bath.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=783 |
| Shocking Developments | [[Lincoln, alone with mouth agape]] / Poe: Why are you so shocked looking? / Lincoln: Oh, I'm working on my "unpleasantly surprised" face. I think it still needs a little something though. / SOON:
/ [[Lincoln is mixing test tubes]]
/ Poe (thinking): Dang, he's really doing some hardcore science to perfect his shocked expression / THEN:
/ [[Lincoln's beard looks like a sideways exclamation point]]
/ Poe: Wait, you just shaved your beard into an exclamation point? What was the crazy science you were working on?
/ Lincoln: I was just mixing up a batch of beard wax! / SUDDENLY:
/ [[Poe's mustache is two exclamation points]] / {{Title: What was that science you were doing? NONE OF YOUR BEARD WAX}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=784 |
| Delicious America | Abraham Lincoln: One thing you might have already known is that I am the dude who made Thanksgiving a national holiday in America. / Abraham Lincoln: But one thing I bet you DIDN'T know is that the US states themselves are a delicious Thanksgiving dinner! / [[West Virginia as a turkey]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: Check it out, West Virginia is a sumptuous roast turkey! / [[Virginia as mashed potatoes with gravy]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: And regular Virginia is a heaping pile of fluffy mashed potatoes covered in gravy. / [[South Carolina as a slice of pumpkin pie]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: For dessert, South Carolina is a slice of homemade pumpkin pie. / [[Missouri as an angry anteater wearing a Santa hat]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: And of course Missouri is Mortimer the Grumpy Anteater, who always brings good children a can of cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving eve. / {{title text: You probably didn't know it because I just made it up.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=785 |
| Black Friday | Abraham Lincoln: Man, Black Friday sounds tough, but as a day it's pretty much a cold slice of weak pie. / Abraham Lincoln: Oooh a bunch of people going shopping, I'm sooo scared. / Edgar Allen Poe: Yeah, seriously. It definitely doesn't hold a candle to Black Tuesday, when the stock market crashed in '29. / Abraham Lincoln: If Black Tuesday is the standard, you'd really have to call Black Friday, like, A Light Shade of Gray Friday at best. / Edgar Allen Poe: Haha, yeah. Or conversely if you want to still call it Black Friday, you have to upgrade Black Tuesday to like, Blacker than the Dead Heart of Vile Murder's Mad Thrall Tuesday. / Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, or like, "Really Black Tuesday." / {{title text: Other Fridays that are scarier than Black Friday: Friday the 13th, Good Friday}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=786 |
| Raiding Party | [[Lincoln is wearing headset and using laptop with fruit logo]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: All right, we got company. George, you stay on the big fish guy. Liz, I need you to transmogrify that angry-looking spiky pig into a nice, friendly sheep. / [[Queen Elizabeth is wearing a headset, wizard hat with stars and moons, and using a BMI-brand laptop]]
/ Queen Elizabeth II: I'm on it. / George Washington [[via Lincoln's headset]]: heal plz
/ Abraham Lincoln: George! Did you forget to change out of your armor that looks cool into your armor that makes you not die again! Fine, healing spell incoming-- / Abraham Lincoln: Wait, I'm playing World of Warcraft again?! How did this happen! I quit this thing like a year ago! What could have made me start playing again? / [[Lincoln has an empty thought bubble]] / [[Lincolns brain, with a face and arms, shrugs]] / {{title text: Thanks for thinking of something, Abe. The whole party died.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=787 |
| Brain Problem Situation | Lincoln: Whoa, wait. Brain? You're up there? / Lincoln: It's cool. I can dig why you've been hunkered down up there, trying to keep a low profile. / Lincoln: But don't worry, I promise I won't do anything really stupid for once, OK? / Lincoln: SIKE! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=788 |
| Death Benefits | Young Martha: I can't believe we're arguing about this. OF COURSE it's sad when people die! / Abe Lincoln: Dying ain't no big deal! I've done it. / Young Martha: Yeah, and the whole country was super sad about that! Well, except the south. / Abe Lincoln: The south can go cram a fork in it. But anyway, You've never died, you wouldn't understand. Maybe someday you'll be cool like me. / Young Martha: Come on, that's not fair. You know that as the young version of Martha Washington it's impossible for me to ever die, since she died of old age. / Abe Lincoln: Oh yeah actually, I forgot to tell you that death is actually really awesome. It's too bad you can never do it! Like they tell you all these crazy facts you'd never believe if you were alive. Don't tell anyone, but body hair is all a big joke. / {{title-text: I knew it!}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=789 |
| Merchandising Opportunities | Abraham Lincoln: I feel like I'm not leveraging my global brand identity paradigm synergy enough. What I need is more MERCHANDISING! / [[A pillow in the shape of Lincoln's head and a blue book entitled "Abe Lincoln's Guide to How to Get Girls (hypnotism)" are seen.]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: Good afternoon, George! Would you like to purchase some of my merchandise? For example I have this plush Lincoln pillow, or this handy how-to guide! / George Washington: Ew, no! Those are both super-creepy. Your big fluffy head is about the last thing I ever want next to my face when I'm sleeping. And that book is obviously Creep City. / [[A Theodore Mewsevelt doll with a suction cup on each foot (in the style of the old Garfield dolls) is seen stuck to the window of a car.]]
/ Abraham Lincoln: Perhaps you would be interested in my other product. / [[A closeup of the Theodore Mewsevelt doll's horrifying visage.]] / George Washington: how much for the pillow / {{Title text: The contents of the book are pretty much summed up on the cover.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=790 |
| Frozen Popsicle Woman | Young Martha Washington: Brr! I'm so cold, you gotta warm me up! / Lincoln: GAH! You're like a frozen popsicle woman!!! / [[Frozen Popsicle Woman]] / [[Abe licking frozen popsicle Martha]] / Lincoln: AHH HY HONGUE'H HUCK / [[Abe sticking his tongue out while daydreaming with Martha's disgusted reaction.]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=791 |
| The President Jumped Over the Moon | Emperor Norton: Yo, Stinkoln, you suck! I bet I can jump higher than you! / Abe: What! No you can't! You want a jumping contest? You're on, suckwad! I'm gonna jump over the friggin' Eiffel Tower. / Norton: HAH. Bring it. Ol' Norton's gonna jump the dang moon! / Abe: Whatever! Whatever! I'm gonna jump over the...MAXIMOON! / Abe: It's a more extreme moon you don't know about. / [[The Maximoon is wearing sunglasses and jumping over the moon on a skateboard. Abe Lincoln is shown in space helmet jumping over the Maximoon.]]
/ {{Alt-Text: A jumping contest was the standard way to settle scores in the mid 19th century}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=792 |
| Needy Graffiti | Lincoln: Cripes, the vandals we have around here are just pathetic. / Graffitti on wall: I LIKE BLUE JEANS
/ Lincoln: Wow, you like blue jeans. Way to stick it to the man. / Graffitti on wall: HELLA
/ Lincoln: Hella? Just hella? Hella what! Come on people! / Lincoln: This person gets points for originality at least. / Graffitti on wall: MY OVARIES ARE BARKING / Graffitti on wall (panned down): CALL ME http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=793 |
| Presidential Transition | [[There is a red phone]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=794 |
| Laxation without Representation | Washington: So Abe, how are you enjoying the brownies I made? / Lincoln: They're pretty goo- / Washington: BOOYAH sucker! Those were laxative brownies! PRANK'D! / Lincoln: Oh, George. George, George, George. You slip ME laxatives? ME? The Princce of Poop? The Duke of Dookie? I'm afraid you leave me no choice, George, but to *poop on everything*. / Lincoln: Your couch, your goldfish, your TV, your favorite teddy bear Grundo, *everything*.
/ Washington: Not Grundo! / Lincoln: < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=795 |
| Nursery Rhyme | Teacher: Today I'd like each of you to work on a nursery rhyme of your own creation. Doesn't that sound fun!
/ Obnoxious Kid Lincoln: No, it sounds lame!
/ Teacher: Now now, Obnoxious Kid Lincoln. Mind your teacher. / [[badly drawn blue person sitting in a Nike shoe reading NIKE RULZ]]
/ Little Boy Blue Sat in a Shoe
/ Little Boy Blue: This sucks / [[badly drawn blue person sitting in a Nike shoe reading NIKE RULZ; holding bowl]]
/ Eating his curds & whey
/ Little Boy Blue: What! Who eats this stuff! / [[three badly drawn baby heads with wings appear]]
/ Along came some cherobim / [[three badly drawn baby heads with wings increase in creepiness]]
/ Just kinda stared at him / [[badly drawn blue person sitting in a Nike shoe reading REBEBOK DRULZ]]
/ Little Boy Blue was like
/ Little Boy Blue: ur so gay / {{title text: Cherubim are cherubic. Cherobim do cherobics.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=796 |
| Science Hat | Charles Darwin: Abe, have you seen Amelia lately? I'm starting to get worried. / Abe Lincoln: Ummm... I think the last time I talked to her she was on a trip in Hawaii. Maybe that's why you haven't seen her. / Charles Darwin: What...? You mean when she was at that 3-day conference two months ago?
/ I'm talking about the last few days!
/ Ruddy useless... / Abe Lincoln: Hey Charles though check out this idea I had! What if scientists all had to wear this special kind of hat so that if someone needs some help knowing about science, they can know immediately if there's any scientists around to ask! / Abe Lincoln: Or like, if a guy is telling you stuff but he doesn't have the hat, you'd know--Charles? ... Charles? / Abe Lincoln: I guess he didn't like the idea. / {{title-text: In addition, it would eliminate the Pope's usual hat advantage in religion vs. science fights.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=797 |
| Apostrophes All Wrong | Abraham Lincoln: Did you guys know people are using apostrophes wrong / Charles Darwin [[on phone]]: Oh no!
/ Abraham Lincoln: huh / Abraham Lincoln: Listen, Charles, people are getting this apostrophe thing all wrong-- / Charles Darwin: No one cares about apostrophes you idiot! Amelia has gone missing! She flew her plane into the Bermuda Triangle again and I've got to go save her! / Abraham Lincoln: That's terrible! It was wise of you to come to me for help. Of course I'll lead the rescue party, you don't even have to ask. Now the first thing we'll need is some kind of ghost plane to get down there... / Charles Darwin [[with shiny object]]: Um, actually why don't you stay here and uh, take care of this very important shiny thing for me while I'm gone. / {{title text: Wow, it's shiny on BOTH sides!}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=798 |
| Rescue Team | Ernest Shackleton: So this pilot broad got herself lost in the Bermuda Triangle, and you want me to lead the cavalry charge to fish her out quick as a fiddle, is that right? What's in it for Shackleton? / Charles Darwin: In it for you? A person's life is on the line! We don't even really have time to sort out your crazily mixed metaphors, let alone haggle over a price! / Ernest Shackleton: I'll do it. But I get any loot, spoils, booty, or treasure we find, deal?
/ Charles Darwin: Fine, whatever! / Ernest Shackleton: Good. Now, we're gonna need a good crew. You're our science officer, obviously. Then, we need to get that fruity Greek math guy on board. He's vital. / Charles Darwin: Pythagoras? What do we need him for? / Ernest Shackleton: Questions like that are why I'm leading this expedition and you're thinking about what kind of bugs there are. Can you think of anyone who knows more about triangles than that guy? / {{title text: There are a lot of kinds of bugs. He's going to be here for a while.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=799 |
| Aetundrad | Thinkin' Lincoln : A Weekdaily Webcomic by Miles Grover | [[Lincoln is wearing a funny hat with an atom symbol on it. A small mirror is next to him.]]
/ Lincoln: As the world's greatest scientist, I proclaim that this shiny thing measures 10 science units worth of shiny-ness! / [[On a yellow, spiky panel is a purple alien with pointy ears, one eye, and two mouths. Also a goatee.]]
/ Alien: HUMANS OF EARTH. We come from the planet Aetundrad on a mission of intergalactic peace! / Lincoln: The planet 800? / Alien: You there! You're clearly a scientist. As a gesture of good will, I offer to submit myself to your most rigorous scientific questioning. / Lincoln: Haha, OK. How about, what's like the most freaky thing about how your alien minds work compared to human brains? / Alien: We consider the Chevy Cavalier to be the coolest car ever invented. Ahh, so badass! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=800 |
| Recruiting Pythagoras | Charles Darwin: Pythagoras! There you are! / Pythagoras: Darwin! What's up, brofessor? / Charles Darwin: I need your help! Amelia's gone missing in the Bermuda Triangle! / Pythagoras [[in foreground]]: Dammit Charles, you know I'm retired. You can't ask me to go back to all that!
/ Charles Darwin [[in background]]: I did not know that. / Charles Darwin: Wait, what are you retired from? Things involving triangles? / Pythagoras [[in foreground]]: I see I have no choice. Very well, I'll find you your missing pilot. But don't blame me if you end up getting more than you bargained for.
/ Charles Darwin [[in background]]: what are you even saying / {{title text: Pythagoras retired from triangles.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=801 |
| How To Get to the Bermuda Triangle | Ernest Shackleton: All right, we got the triangle guy on board? / Pythagoras: Aye aye, Cap'n! / Ernest Shackleton: Don't say that. I've got the gear we're gonna need, so if you nancies don't need to visit the powder room, we should be ready to go. / Charles Darwin: Wait, so how are we getting there exactly? I mean it is the Bermuda Triangle. / Ernest Shackleton: What? It's obvious. To get to the Bermuda Triangle, you just fly down there and try not to mysteriously disappear. Come on, how stupid are you? / [[Ernest Shackleton wearing a powdered wig]]
/ Ernest Shackleton: Hey idiots, I'm History. Listen up, according to me Charles Darwin is a completely smart friggin' scientist. He invented evolution and crap. No way is he too dumb to figure out how you get to the Bermuda Triangle. / [[Ernest Shackleton wearing Darwin's beard]]
/ Ernest Shackleton: Au contraire! I'm Charles Darwin, but you can call me Poncy Ponce Prissy Puss!! / {{title text: Shackleton only knows words in French for the purpose of calling other people sissies.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=802 |
| Anger Stew | Charles Darwin: Fine, yes, I'm the biggest idiot in the world! Great! I'm a moron! CAN WE PLEASE GO SAVE AMELIA NOW?!? / [[Pythagoras looks uncomfortable]] / [[Ernest Shackleton wears goggles]] / Pythagoras: Um, Charles, we're already on the plane heading down there. / Pythagoras: You were kinda stewing in your anger juice for a while there huh.
/ Charles Darwin: How close are we to-- / Ernest Shackleton: Quit thinking about where we're going, you idiots. Do you want to not get us where we aren't going or not? / {{title text: I... yes?}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=803 |
| Christmas '08 | Queen Elizabeth II: C'mon, Diaper Goblin! It's technically morning, let's go open presents! / Queen Elizabeth II: Wow, look at all these gifts under the tree! Oh, but no one got you anything... / Queen Elizabeth II: I see you got me a present though.
/ [[a partially open box with stink lines coming from it is in front of Queen Elizabeth II and Diaper Goblin]] / {{title text: Diaper Goblin I already have one of these. The one you gave me last year.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=804 |
| Crash Landing | [[Charles Darwin, Pythagoras, and Ernest Shackleton are buried upside down in sand.]] / [[Darwin dislodges himself from the sand.]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=805 |
| Crash Landing | [[Charles Darwin, Pythagoras, and Ernest Shackleton are buried upside down in sand.]] / [[Darwin dislodges himself from the sand.]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=805 |
| Triangulation | Pythagoras: OK I should be able to triangulate her position...
/ [[Ernest Shackleton is wearing red lipstick; Darwin sulks in background]] / Pythagoras: Will you get rid of that ridiculous lipstick already--
/ [[Shackleton is still made up all pretty-like]] / Charles Darwin: Oh come on! I know what triangulation is, and it doesn't work that way! You can't just, just-- / Pythagoras: Charles, button it! I'm motherflippin' Pythagoras of Samos and I can do anything I want with triangles. / Pythagoras: Look, there are some animals over there. Why don't you go observe their phenotypes or something so we can actually try to find Amelia. / Charles Darwin: MAYBE I WILL DO THAT MAYBE I'LL DISCOVER A NEW SPECIES AND I'LL NAME IT JERKIUS TURDICUS AFTER YOU GUYS / {{title text: I AM TURDICUS}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=806 |
| Shackleton's Lipstick | Charles Darwin: Fine! I'm gonna go observe stuff so hard you won't know what hit you! I don't need you stupid jerks anyway.
/ Pythagoras: Fine! / Shackleton: Will you girls quit squabbling? Darwin, c'mere. / < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=807 |
| Shackleton's Lipstick | Charles Darwin: Fine! I'm gonna go observe stuff so hard you won't know what hit you! I don't need you stupid jerks anyway.
/ Pythagoras: Fine! / Shackleton: Will you girls quit squabbling? Darwin, c'mere. / < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=807 |
| Fascinating Flora | Charles Darwin: No sightings yet, over.
/ Ernest Shackleton [via magic lipstick]: I told you, it's not a walkie-talkie.
/ Charles Darwin: OK, but still no sightings though. / Charles Darwin: Wait, I see something. It's a flower shaped like a little butt! Hehehe, not sniffing this one!
/ [[a purple flower with a pink butt in the center]] / < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=808 |
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