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| Relationship Goals | Abe Lincoln: Whoa, Freddie! What's with the long face, dude? You all right?
/ Fredrick Douglass: Oh hey guys. / Fredrick Douglass: It's just some lady troubles. My girl says she doesn't know where our relationship is going or something. I don't really know what the problem is. / Young Martha: Well, where do you want the relationship to go? As a couple, you need to sit down and compare your relationship goals. / Abe Lincoln: Um, honey, what are you talking about? The goal of all relationships is to get maximum smooches. / Fredrick Douglass: That's what I said! / {{title-text: My wife refused to kiss me after I showed her this comic. I don't think she understands relationships.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=841 |
| Dry Eyes | [[Lincoln's head against a white background.]]
/ Eyes: < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=842 |
| Six Degrees | Young Martha: Hang on. Eleanor Roosevelt's maiden name was Roosevelt? / Abe Lincoln: Yup. She was a distant cousin of her husband, FDR. She was also Teddy Roosevelt's niece. / Young Martha: Pretty gross. / Abe Lincoln: Ah, come on YM. You know all the important people are related. For instance, Barack Obama's related to Dick Cheney, George Bush, Brad Pitt, Winston Churchill, LBJ, and Robert E. Lee. Tom Hanks is related to me. And just think of all the people who are related to Kevin Bacon! / Young Martha: Kevin Bacon is not really that important. / Abe Lincoln: Well he would be if he were married to the president! / {{title-text: The thing with Kevin Bacon is about actors, not relatives. But he's probably related to some people?}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=843 |
| Six Degrees | Young Martha: Hang on. Eleanor Roosevelt's maiden name was Roosevelt? / Abe Lincoln: Yup. She was a distant cousin of her husband, FDR. She was also Teddy Roosevelt's niece. / Young Martha: Pretty gross. / Abe Lincoln: Ah, come on YM. You know all the important people are related. For instance, Barack Obama's related to Dick Cheney, George Bush, Brad Pitt, Winston Churchill, LBJ, and Robert E. Lee. Tom Hanks is related to me. And just think of all the people who are related to Kevin Bacon! / Young Martha: Kevin Bacon is not really that important. / Abe Lincoln: Well he would be if he were married to the president! / {{title-text: The thing with Kevin Bacon is about actors, not relatives. But he's probably related to some people?}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=843 |
| Freeze Ray | Abe Lincoln: Haha! Yes! My invention is complete! / Mark Twain: What the heck is that doohickey for? / Abe Lincoln: It's a freeze ray! I'm gonna use it to stop people who are trying to bid on the stuff I want on eBay. P'kow! / Mark Twain: So--what? You're going to fly to Altoona to blast some dude every time you need to restock California Raisins figurines? / Abe Lincoln: OK maybe not. But I already thought of another thing I could do with a freeze gun! / eBay Listing: L@@K REAL *working* FREEZE RAY GUN
/ IMAGINE IF YOU COULD FREEZE PEOPLE TRYING TO BID ON THE STUFF YOU WANT!
/ Seriously don't even bother to bid on other stuff until you get this item. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=844 |
| The Watch Man | {{Everyone is dressed up like characters from Watchmen: Lincoln is Dr Manhattan, Darwin is Rorschach, and Washington is the Comedian}} / Lincoln [[shows off his pocket watch]]: Hey, check it out everybody, I'm the Watch Man! See, I've even got a sweet watch! / Darwin: You're not the Watch Man. I'm the Watch Man! / Lincoln: Darwin, is that you under there? Come on man, no one believes you're the Watch Man. You don't even have a watch. / Washington: Neither of you jokers is the Watch Man. I'm the REAL watch man, and you stole my watch! / Washington {{attacking Lincoln}}: GIVE ME THAT WATCH
/ Lincoln {{attacking Washington}}: NEVER / [[Close-up shot of a speck of blood on the pocket-watch. Caption reads, WHOSE WATCH IS THE WATCH MAN'S]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=845 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=846">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=846 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=847">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=847 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| The Anti-Stratfordians | George Washington: Hey Abe, did you hear about this thing with how Shakespeare probably didn't even write his own plays? / Abe Lincoln: What *I* heard is that Shakespeare was actually like 4 totally different dudes. / Shakespeare: What? What do you guys - what do you mean? / George Washington: Can't give us a straight answer, eh? Sounds like someone's got some skeletons in the old closet. / Shakespeare: Well I guess yeah I do have some of those but I don't see how that's related. I just thought I was doing them a favor, letting them stay there. I mean, it's their choice to be in there. / Skull 1: HEY FELLAS BEING STRAIGHT IS SUPER GREAT AMIRITE
/ Skull 3: MUCH BETTER THAN BEING GAY OR SO I IMAGINE / {{I SURE ENJOY BEING ATTRACTED TO FEMALES HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=848 |
| Tuckered Out | Mewsevelt lies sleeping. / Lincoln: Awwww, look at Mewsevelt! He's all tuckered out. / Washington: The question you have to ask yourself is WHY. / Lincoln: Oh, I'm sure he's just been up to the same kind of hijinks that all kitty cats like to get up to! / [[Thought bubble: Lincoln has hand drawn Mewsevelt chasing a mouse, with the text: chasing a mouse. [The s's are backwards].]] / [[Thought bubble: Mewsevelt is overlayed on the previous panel's drawing, and speaks. "For your information, Mr. Lincoln, the most exhausting part of the process is harvesting the organs and limbs."]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=849 |
| The Hellephant | Edgar: Have you heard.... THE LEGEND OF THE HELLEPHANT: THE ELEPHANT FROM HELL. / Vampire Dickens: When I agreed to be your critique partner you promised me you wouldn't write any stories about elephants from Hell. / Edgar: I didn't write another one. This time I made a flip book! / [[Red pointy horned elephant with trunk holding sign: "DO"]] / [[Red pointy horned elephant with trunk holding sign: "SOME"]] / [[Red pointy horned elephant with trunk holding sign: "SINS"]] / {{Commentary: It's hard to see, but he's wagging his tail too.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=850 |
| Help Me Adam Smith, You're My Only Hope | Lincoln: Wait a minute! I know just the dude who can fix all these problems with the economy! / Narrator: SOON.
/ Lincoln: Adam Smith! Please, you have to save us from economics! / Adam Smith: Aye, laddie! I can help ye! Just let me consult... / Adam Smith: The Economicon! / Adam Smith: Ach, of course. I shall cast the spell Invisible Hand! / Invisible Hand: (You're screwed.) http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=851 |
| St. Patrick's Day '09 | Green Abe Lincoln: WOOOO HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY / George Washington: You painted yourself green for St. Patrick's Day? / Green Abe Lincoln: No, I tattooed myself green. It's permanent! / Narrator: 1 DAY LATER
/ Unidentified Voice: We're sorry, but you have been fired from every job. / Narrator: 2 DAYS LATER
/ Unidentified Voice: Green Ninja Clan has reviewed your application but we regret to inform you we cannot accept your membership at this time. / Narrator: 3 DAYS LATER
/ Unidentified Voice: Son, you got the green part, no doubt, and I reckon you're jolly enough, but well... sad truth is you just ain't giant enough to sell frozen vegetables.
/ Green Abe Lincoln: {{thinking}}it was still worth it / {{title text: The deceased former president tattooed his hair green.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=852 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=853">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=853 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| The Turds and the Bees | Punxsutawney Phil: Daddy, where do poops come from? / Lincoln: Well, when a man loves some food very much... / Lincoln: ...he basically crams it down his mouth, right on through his throat, stomach, intestines, and out a little hole called "the pooper." / Punxsutawney Phil: But... we don't have stomachs or or imtestins or that stuff do we? / Lincoln: I... I... I'm sure it's fine. / Lincoln: THERE'S A WHOLE PIZZA IN THERE http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=854 |
| Deathday Invitation | Invitation: You Are Invited Please join us to celebrate the deathday of Ludwig Van Beethoven When: March 26, fun starts at 7 PM Where: Beethoven's Place Please RSVP / Abe Lincoln: Ughhh. I hate deathday parties. I gotta figure our a way to get out of going. / Excuse Bee: Maybe I can help! / Abe Lincoln: Excuse Bee? How could you possibly help? / Excuse Bee: Why don't you just tell him you're going to be out of town that day? / Abe Lincoln: No, I think I'm just going to say I'm getting my colon replaced on the 26th. / Excuse Bee: {{thinking}} That's a much better excuse. I'm so useless. / {{title-text: Colons need to be in good shape if you're going to a party.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=855 |
| Deathday Invitation | Invitation: You Are Invited Please join us to celebrate the deathday of Ludwig Van Beethoven When: March 26, fun starts at 7 PM Where: Beethoven's Place Please RSVP / Abe Lincoln: Ughhh. I hate deathday parties. I gotta figure our a way to get out of going. / Excuse Bee: Maybe I can help! / Abe Lincoln: Excuse Bee? How could you possibly help? / Excuse Bee: Why don't you just tell him you're going to be out of town that day? / Abe Lincoln: No, I think I'm just going to say I'm getting my colon replaced on the 26th. / Excuse Bee: {{thinking}} That's a much better excuse. I'm so useless. / {{title-text: Colons need to be in good shape if you're going to a party.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=855 |
| AFK JFK | [[A computer screen running an Instant Messaging program]] / {{chat with Marilyn62}}
/ {{
/ Marilyn62: jack r u there lol
/ Marilyn62: ?
/ Automatic Response: JFK is AFK (Away From Keyboard)
/ }} / [[JFK is on the White House lawn. He is on top of an angry-looking bear as he punches it in the stomach]] / [[Marilyn62's conversation is partially obscured by a new conversation started by LBJVP]]
/ {{chat with LBJVP}}
/ {{
/ LBJVP: yo jack where are you
/ Automatic Response: JFK is AFK (Away From Keyboard)
/ LBJVP: I cna't believe you're missing this dude there's a crazy guy fighting a bear on the white house lawn
/ }}
/ {{Marilyn62: r u pooping}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=856 |
| Turing Test | Abe Lincoln: All right, Lifelike Robot Double, go and do your thing! / Narrator: SOON:
/ George Washington: Ugh, I thought you said you weren't coming back until you "got so much revenge I wouldn't believe even on my face." / Robot Double: Hello. George. Do you like doughnut. .......input required. / George Washington: You seem oddly articulate today. Sure, let's go get some doughnuts. / Robot Double: Hello. George. Do you like doughnut.
/ George Washington: Yeah, man, this was a great idea! When did you get so cool? / Abe Lincoln: You stupid robot, you were supposed to punch him! I didn't program you to be so charming / {{title-text: Lifelike Robot Double's skin is CPR Test Dummy Pink.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=857 |
| NO DISASSEMBLE | Lincoln: You useless piece of turd! I'm going to have to take you apart and rebuild you so you actually work. / Robot Lincoln Double: NO DISASSEMBLE / Lincoln: Oh my gosh you're alive! You've grown a conscience so you don't want to do military or fighting stuff anymore just like the robot "Jimmy Five" / Robot Lincoln Double: Hello. Do you like donut. / Lincoln: Aww, I forgive you for not punching George. I see now it's just in your nature to be friends with everyone! Let's get donuts and we can-- / Robot Lincoln Double: HERTZ. DONUT.
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=858 |
| Neutralized | Robot Double: {{thinking}} Internal Log: This unit is beginning to feel... emotions / Abe Lincoln: Robot, you're totally amok! I'm going to have to throw the failsafe switch! / Robot Double: {{thinking}} Emotions such as HATE. / Robot Double: This unit cannot allow you to flip that -
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=859 |
| AFK JFK #2 | chat with xsecXstatex
/ xsecXstatex: Hey man it's Dean.
/ xsecXstatex: The Soviets are here. They're saying something about gicing nukes to Cuba?
/ Automatic Response: JFK is AFK (Away From Keyboard)
/ xsecXstatex: *giving / {{JFK is chasing a butterfly}} / chat with khrushchev94
/ khrushchev94: broski where u @
/ Automatic Response: JFK is AFK (Away From Keyboard)
/ khrushchev94: DO NOT IGNORE SOVIET UNION, CAPITALIST PIG
/ khrushchev94: U.S.S.R. will kick U.R.A.S.S.
/ khrushchev94: I just come up w/that. is good yes? http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=860 |
| Dinosaurs vs. Dragons | Lincoln: Yes, dinosaurs are awesome. But dragons are better because they're like if you took a dinosaur and added more spikes and the ability to breathe fire! / Darwin: But dinosaurs aren't made up. That has to give them some kind of edge over dragons. / Lincoln: Well yeah, I guess. But it'd have to be a big edge to make up for all the dragon's built-in advantages. The fire-breathing, the spikes, being able to fly, having a lot of gold... / Darwin: Well look, we can do this scientifically. I'll make a chart and graph out the different factors! / Lincoln: Not everything comes down to charts, Charles! I know deep in my heart that dragons rule the most! / Darwin: Well, I plotted out the data and they do appear to bear out your hypothesis.
/ [[Darwin holds up a graph of connected dots that make an outline of a dragon breathing fire. The y-axis is labeled "RULING", the x-axis is labeled "THE MOST"]] / {{mouse-over text: The chart works out pretty similarly when you plot ponies vs. unicorns}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=861 |
| Abe Lincoln's Funtime Robot Band | Lincoln: I want to be in a band again but no one wants to play with me since I got kicked out of my last band... which contained everyone I know who knows how to play music. / Beethoven: That's easy. You sing and play guitar, so just get a drum machine and say you've got a robot drummer! / Drumbot: < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=862 |
| A Day in the Park | Lincoln: Aww, who's a cute little miss! / Lincon: Wow, lady, your daughter looks just like you! / Baby-faced Lady: Are you saying I look like a baby?! / {mouse-over text: www.babytoupee.com} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=863 |
| President Census | Lincoln: James is the most common name for US presidents. There've been six of 'em! / Taft: John and William are tied for 2nd with four each. I'm one of the latter! / Washington: George is in 4th place with three, but it was over 190 years between my presidency and the next George. / Lincoln: There are two Franklins and two Andrews, and then the rest are all unique. Haha suckers! I'm a beautiful snowflake and you're not! / Van Buren: There aren't any other Martins either. We can be beautiful snowflakes together, Abe! / [[Van Buren and Lincoln appear in identical snowflake outfits]] / Van Buren: Aren't these matching snowflake outfits I made for us great! / {{mouse-over text: Sorry all you Jameses out there, but your name is too common.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=864 |
| AFK JFK #3 | [[A computer screen showing an Instant Messaging program]]
/ {{chat with jackieO}}
/ {{
/ jackieO: honey
/ JFK: brb
/ jackieO: ok
/ Automatic Response: JFK is AFK (Away From Keyboard)
/ }} / [[JFK is wearing a suit and sunglasses on a sunny beach. He is laying on a hammock under some palm trees and holding a drink with a straw in it.]] / [[A computer screen showing an Instant Messaging program]]
/ {{chat with jackieO}}
/ {{
/ Automatic Response: JFK is AFK (Away From Keyboard)
/ jackieO: um jack?
/ jackieO: you there?
/ jackieO: hellooooooooooooo
/ jackieO: la la la la la la la la la la lal a la la la la aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
/ }} / {{mouse-over text: that's just bad netiquette}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=865 |
| Zeitgeist | Abe Lincoln: "Zeitgeist" is a German word... or, phrase? I don't know how that works but anyway in English it's usually translated as "the spirit of the times" or something similar. / Abe Lincoln: But "geist" can be translated as ghost instead of spirit. I say zeitgeist should be translated as "time ghost"! / Edgar Allan Poe: But that means a different thing. / Abe Lincoln: It means a better thing! / Edgar Allan Poe: As far as I know, "time ghost" doesn't really mean anything. / Abe Lincoln: Come on! It's like: "Don't worry, everyone, here comes Time Ghost! He'll use his power of walking through walls and being pretty spooky to solve all our time-based problems." / {{title-text: or maybe a time ghost is a ghost that can haunt you IN THE FUTURE.........}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=866 |
| Time Ghost | {{Previously:}}
/ [[An annoyed Lincoln glares at a blue ghost with a clock-chain around its neck.]]
/ Ghost: OOooOOooooOOOoOoOOOoooOoo / Ghost: OOooOOooooOOOoOoOOOoooOoo
/ Amelia: Um, who's your friend? / Lincoln: I'm not really sure. The ghost of Flavor Flav? It's just been following me around for hours going "oooh". / Ghost: NooOoOOooooOoOOOoooo I'm a tiiime ghost and I'm haauunting you from the fuuUUuutuuuUuuUuure because you made a dumb joke about zeiiiiitgeiiiiists / Lincoln: Awesome. That's just amazingly awesome. / Ghost of Flavor Flav: Aaaaabe, I'm not even deaaaaaad ooooOOooOooo coooome on maaaaaaaaan / {{mouse-over text: Somebody told me a time ghost would haunt FROM the future, not in it. That person turned out to be right.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=867 |
| Diaperless Goblin | Queen Lizzy: DIAPER GOBLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII / Queen Lizzy: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!! / [[Scene description]]Later
/ Queen Lizzy: I can't believe he used my black censor bar as a diaper. I was saving that! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=868 |
| A Film by Abe Lincoln | Amelia: OK, so everyone's got to come up with a movie idea, and the best one wins the coveted Invisible Trophy?. / Abe: I'll go first! / PUNCHES: THE MOVIE.
/ A movie by Abe "movie" Lincoln. / Abe: I AM PUNCHING YOU ALOT. NOW I AM PUNCHING YOUR NADS. / George: NO I AM PUNCHING YOU MORE, IN THE DONG. / Abe: WHY MUST WE PUNCH? THOUGH YOU PUNCH ME IN THE DOG, IT FEELS AS THOUGH YOU HAD PUNCHED MY EMOTIONAL DONG. / *EMOTIONAL SCENE* http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=870 |
| A Film by Charles Darwin | Earhart: Um...yeah. Charles, why don't you go next? / Darwin: Well, I don't know if I can top Punches: The Movie... But OK here goes. / {{Movie title: DINOSAURS... WITH GUNS! A film by Charles Darwin}} / [[Darwin holds up a blue T-Rex cutout on a popsicle stick]]
/ Darwin: The mighty T. rex surveys his domain. The world is his value menu! / [[Darwin holds up a second cutout, a green triceratops]]
/ Darwin: The tyrant lizard spots his prey, the defenseless triceratops. But is the beast really so helpless? / [[The triceratops pulls a gun on T. rex. The T. rex's hands go up in fear]] / {{mouse-over text: The triceratops is known for its hard bony plating, sharp horns, and defensive snub-nose revolver.}} http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=871 |
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