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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread AHH GHOSTS HELP!! / Abe, go back to sleep. It was just a dream. / He's right. It WAS just a dream. It was scary though! It's fading now, but I think I dreamt I was in a world where all my loved ones were dead and as ghosts they condemned me for things I haven't done. / Wait a minute... all my loved ones ARE dead, and so am I! That's THIS world I'm living in. / Am I a ghost? / Actually, a better question might be: "Why do I appear to be sleeping in the same bed as George Washington?"
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Man, the more time I spend driving my car, the more convinced I become that most people are not thinking at all when they're driving. / I mean, like, sometimes I'll be driving along in my lane, and some one will suddenly pull into my lane in front of me, going way slower! And it's not like there was an exit or the person was reacting to other drivers. The person just randomly decided to change lanes. I'm giving people like this the benefit of the doubt and not assuming they are total jerk-turkeys. I HOPE (sort of) that they're just absentminded. / Man, who cares! There are people in the world with real problems, and THIS is the best you've got to complain about? / Real problems? / You mean like when you're trying to check your bank account online, but then your internet is being stupid and you have to wait a while and try checking it again? Because I hate that!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Harper Collins, I'm a-callin' you out! / Why HELLO! I'm Harper Collins, how can I help you? / I... um. Hi. / Anyway! Harper Collins, you are a liar! You imply in certain editions of The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe that your horrible re-ordering of the beloved series was requested by C.S. Lewis himself, yet this is untrue! / Hi there! I'm Harper Collins, how are you doing today? / Uh... okay. What really happened was Lewis' stepson wanted to reorder them and Lewis' wife disagreed. Lewis wrote a letter saying basically, "I guess chronological order is better." But the fact remains that The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is written as the first book. It makes me so mad, I could punch you! / I'm not really Harper Collins. Harper Collins isn't actually a person, you know. It's a book publishing company. / Can I still punch you? I got my hammers all warmed up. Hammers is what I call my fists.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread RAR! / Step aside, boy, else I'll split you like an Illinois rail! For I am a tough, mean man! / Uh, whatever. / That's right! GRR. / Whatever, Lincoln. You can't fool me. I know what a wuss you are. / What! How can you say that? Have you SEEN my manly muscles, my beefy "guns"? / It only took one bullet to kill you, man! I was poisoned, shot 3 times, beaten, and dropped into an icy river! And still I fought! / Oh, whatever. That might not even be true! / What! Of course it's true! It says so on the internet, doesn't it!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Is there any way to complain about your belt breaking without people thinking you just got fatter? / I believe that there indeed is not! / Earlier: / No, seriously guys! It's just a cheap, shoddily-made belt! / Whatever, fatty! / This is an injustice that cannot stand! A wrong that must be righted! / Hey Chubbles, how goes the belt shopping? / I don't need your approval to feel good about myself! Not any more!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Last time, on Thinkin' Lincoln... / George, it's YOUR baby! / YOU LYING WHORE / I'm not really Elizabeth. You see, I am her twin sister, Patricia, whom you presumed dead! / I'm sorry, Phillip, but this relationship can't continue! We knew from the start that we come from two different worlds! / If I can't have you, no one can! / Next time, on Thinkin' Lincoln... / What, they killed me off and renamed the comic "As All My Days Turn"???
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Does anyone else ever have a thought and then have, like a parallel thought about the first thought? Like a meta-thought? / I sounded so dumb just now. / Am I too hard on myself? / Kinda like that! It seems like when I think, I have one level of thoughts, and then another level of thoughts that can think about my thoughts. / But what about rigt now? Is this a third level that can think about thinking about thoughts? / What did he say? / ... / OH MAN, WE'RE HUMPED! INFINITE RECURSION! / ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! / REFORMATTING IN PROCESS... / ...I like hotdogs.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Oh no! There's a test today and I totally forgot to study! / Pop quiz, hot shot! / Ok, actually, it's not a pop quiz since you knew about it. I just wanted to say that. Anyway! / Abraham Lincoln: / A) is a totaly goobermeister. / B) likes to sniff bear traps. / C) can't dance. / D) All of the above. / Oh man! The pressure's on! Gotta THINK! Think, Abe, think! / TIME'S UP! The answer is D! And the secret answer is: E) sucks! / Yeah, well you can just go -- / THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread That stupid Washington thinks he's so funny, being mean to me all the time. Well I'll show him! / Shortly... / GEORGE WASHINGTON: YOU SHOULD BE NICER TO ABRAHAM LINCOLN. / Ha! What a lame giant robo-mecha-thingy. You're just a Voltron with a beard pasted on! / SHUT UP. AM NOT. / Whatever, dude. Lincoln, I know you're in there, you big baby! / I HAVE LASERS, YOU KNOW. I COULD... I COULD LASER YOU IF I WANTED...
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Crap! I just read on the internet that I was color blind! / I guess that explains some things! / A FLASHBACK / This play sucks! It's all in black and white! / Quiet, dear. / Abraham, you most likely didn't see in black and white. Most types of color blindness cause you to have trouble distinguishing between a few colors, which you see as a sort of brown. / Besides, I read on the internet that you are dead, but that doesn't stop you from talking and... you know, whatever other stuff you do. You don't have to be color blind now! / Good point! I can do all sorts of stuff that the internet says I can't! From now on, if the internet says I can't do something, I'm going to do it out of spite! I'll show you, stupid internet! / I read on the internet that Abe Lincoln can't explode painfully at will. / You win this round, George Washington.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Run! Run for your life! It's the dreaded were-human! / Were-human? What are you talking about? / Somebody told me he saw one! You've got to run!! / Tell me, dear Lincoln, if you would, what exactly is the difference between a human and a were-human? / A were-human is someone who turns into a human when the moon is full... and bites! When he bites you, YOU turn into a were-human! We gotta get outta here -- the moon is full tonight! / Abe, that sounds pretty much like a normal human (though maybe an insane one). Was the person who told you he saw it George Washington? / Well, yes. Why do you ask? / Think about it, man. / Hours Later... / I think I finally understand... the were-human was me all along!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey, do you want to hear some totally true statistics? / Not this again. / They don't call me Abe "Statistics Man" Lincoln for nothing! / No one calls you that. It would be a stupid thing to call you even if you knew any real statistics. / Anyway, as I was saying! Did you know, for instance, that 90% of post-colonial Virginian slave owners were impotent or secret eunuchs? / What! That is a total lie. How would anyone even have data on that? / No it's totally true! You'd be surprised what they can learn by EXTRAPOLATION! / I thought my secret was safe, but I didn't count on the power of extrapolation!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Yo! Lincoln! / Oh hey, Zombie Mark Twain, what's going on? / I hear you've been traipsing around, making up nonsense and calling it statistics! / Oh crap! I forgot you were that guy who said that there were three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics! Please don't eat my brain or anything! / Chill, dude. I actually didn't say that! Well, I said it, but I attributed it to Disraeli. Plus, I already had my fill of brains for today. / Anyway! I'm all about lies, dude. I didn't come to stop you, I came to high-five you! / Oh, ok! Sweet! Hey, wanna go pull some more jinx of the hi variety? / Hey Queen, did you know that studies have shown that over 80% of the royality of Europe eat their own boogers? / It's true! I read it in a book.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Snakes -- what's up with them! / Not much, man, what's up with you? / Eep! A talking snake! / What are you implying? Are you saying that snakes are too stupid to be able to talk? Because that's really offensive if so! / I... I had no idea! / Typical pink-skin. Well, listen up, man! There are snakes all over this country, all over the world, who are kept captive in cages! They're treated like slaves or worse! They're leered at by children. They're kept fat and docile by their opressors! / LATER... / Hmm... / EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION 2: THIS TIME WITH SNAKES
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Young man, what's this I hear about you procrastinating on doing your homework? / Aw, shucks, Dad! I just don't feel like doing it right now! / Let me tell you a little story, son. / You see, I once had a very important speech I had to give. I had plenty of time to prepare for it, but instead, I put it off. I kept finding other things to distract me from writing it. I wanted to talk with my friends; I wanted to go to the theater; I wanted to get some exercise. In short, it was all too easy to put off writing my speech until I sudden;y found myself standing to deliver the speech, with the speech still unwritten! / And the name of that speech was... the Gettysburg Address. / I ended up having the improvise the whole thing. Now what lessons can we learn from this story? / The Gettysburg Address is considered like one of the best speeches ever! I think the lesson is that I can put off doing my homework without any bad consequences! / No, the lesson is that I am awesome at speeches, ok? Now do your homework.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread George Washington? More like BORE-ge BLAH-shington! / Abe Lincoln? More like GAY-be STINK-oln! / WASHINGTON MORE LIKE FLAW-SHINGTON / LINCOLN MORE LIKE DINK-OLN / Wow, you guys are so clever, you ought to be writing for Mad Magazine! / Mad Magazine? More like BAD GAG-azine! / Haha! Good one.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread I think the idiom, "to have skeletons in one's closet" is pretty morbid! / I mean, when this phrase was coined, was the phenomenon of actual closet-skeletons widespread enough to make this phrase easy to relate to? / I guess the phrase was popularized around 1845 by William Makepeace Thackeray, a pretty popular novelist in my day, in his novel Vanity Fair. I don't much care for Thackeray's work, to be honest, but regardless, he probably didn't coin the phrase. / Anyway, It's pretty morbid, don't you think? / I mean, people's fascination with things that are none of thier business is unhealthy! / Haha, sometimes I forget you can't talk anymore, here in the closet. I forget that I made it so you'll never talk again.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Sender: Uranus Tardiff / Chase these genuine chronomasters on our e mall! / Ours has alike trapping to genuine one. Modern designed on stainless steel with set of diamond. / of rosicrucian the beast. slimbuilt you?" asked jo, jounced rumpling up pitapatted lowlying her hair, laurie burst out with metalliform a hearty picrasmin sand caster boy's laugh, which made several passers-by / Oh dear! / Dear Mr. Tardiff, / I'm afraid you seem to have sent me an electronic letter by mistake. Forgive me for reading the letter, but it would sadden me to think whowever you intended as the recipient would miss the opportunity...
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey... where's Lincoln? / Lizzy, have you seen Abe lately? / You know, I was just noticing that no one had come around to rant about various random idiocies lately... / Hmm... hey, help me look for him, would you? / LINCOLN! YO ABE! / ABRAHAM! YOO HOO! / Oh, what's this? A note? / MYSTERIOUS MESSAGE / He wrote a note that actually says, "MYSTERIOUS MESSAGE?" What on Earth? / ... / Hey! Abraham, I see you hiding behind that couch! How long have you been over there?
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Man, I could write reggae songs! / Lyrics that make sense aren't a prerequisite, apparently! / Like the other day, I was listening to this reggae song, right? I was trying to kind of sing along, but I didn't know the words, so I was kind of just mumbling syllables that sounded right. Later, I went and looked up the lyrics, and most of the stuff I was singing was right! Once you know a couple of rasta words like "jah," babylon," and "Niyah Man," you can just fake it! / Oh meh seh babylon jah jah de Niyah Man an me ganja ya... / See, that could totally be a real reggae song! / Abraham, many of those songs aren't really in English anyway. What you're saying is equivalent to saying that you could write songs in French since they don't need to make sense to English speakers. / Man, I could write French songs too! / Oui oui, bon bon! Huh huh huh poisson!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey, Lincoln, how's it going, man? / Um, hi... do I know you? / Um, it's me, Hannibal? / Hannibal Lector?? AHH! DON'T EAT ME! / What? No, no, Hannibal HAMLIN, your vice president. / What? Andrew Johnson was my vice president. / I was your FIRST vice president! Remember? You used to call me the "Veepster." / Haha, "Veepster," yeah. / No, I don't remember that. Please leave me alone.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey Mewsevelt, what's wrong with you? Are you sick? / Abraham... Mewsevelt's not sick -- Mewsevelt's pregnant! / Gross! Wait a minute, I thought Mewsevelt was a boy? / He -- he is... and not only that, but I had him fixed a few months ago! / Ew, he's giving birth! None of this should be possible! / AHHHH MEWSEVELTS EVERYWHERE!!!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Bleugh! I AM A WAMPEER! / Abe, aren't you a little old to be dressing up for Halloween? / Vhat? It's Halloveen today? / Of course it's Halloween! I don't even care what you're trying to pull by dressing as a vampire and pretending ignorance. You're NOT getting any candy from me. / No, I'm not trying to pull anything! I'm LARPING! / Bleugh! I bite you for 6 points of blood damage. / AH AH AH!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Man, I knew I shouldn't have come to the mall with you. Now I have to pee. You know how I hate public bathrooms! / Stop being such a wussburger and just go. I'll be at the Gamestop. / Ugh. Fine, I'll see you there. / What have we here, a new Mario game? Mario Spelunking?? / Hey. / Ok, so that was weird. The bathroom smelled really strongly of cinnamon. / I'm guessing the Gingerbread Man must have dropped a big load right before I got there.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey Washington, have you ever been to space? / Nah. Back in my day, space hadn't been invented yet. We just had "the Heavens." / Yeah, me neither. I want to go through! I bet its totally awesome in space! / I don't know, dude. I thought space was mostly just empty and cold and black? / Man, what do you know? I bet there's alien space parties all the time! It's going to be AWESOME. / Sorry man. If you're not on the list, I can't let you into the alien space party.
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread OMGWTFBBQ / omg these d0gs r sux / stfu n00b! my d0gs r l33t / o rly / ya rly / no wai!!! / Could this be you or someone you know? If so, you need help -- fast. Don't worry, help can be on its way for a mere $19.99 in the form of my new book SRSLY TEH INTERNETS IS MAEKIN U SUX
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Lincoln Noir Yeah, that was me. Abe Lincoln, Private Dick. / A down-on-my-luck dectective just trying to make a living in this dog-eat-dog world. / That was the day the dame walked into my life and changed everything. / She was beautiful. Well, maybe not beautiful, but man was I lonely. Also I may have been a little messed up from the cheese I ate earlier that day. It was a little past its expiration date, but I figured it would be okay. / Abraham, you clearly cannot be trusted with a monologue. Shove off! / The dame was gorgeous, probably the classiest bird I'd ever seen. It was immediately obvious that on top of her incredible looks, she was sharp as a tack, with a great personality to boot.
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Dude(tte)! Hey dudes, what's shakin'? / Jack and/or diddly squat. / Abraham, I am not a "dude"! / Chill out, man! / I am not a man, either! In case you hadn't notice, I am a woman, a female! / Listen, I know you're a female, but I don't think of you romantically, so you get male appellations. But don't worry, I'd do it if I were secretly attracted to you too, to cover it up! / I, um... If you were secretly attracted to me, would you tell me about how you cover it up? / No. No, definitely not. Well, maybe. You never know. I might figure you'd never suspect if I told you about it. I might also pretend to be gay, to further cover it up. I'm tricky like that! You never know with me.
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The Great Wall of China Man, the Great Wall of China? What's so great about it? I could beat up the Great Wall of China. / Th-the Great Wall of China? What do you mean, you could "beat it up?" / Did you know that the Great Wall of China is the only man-made object that can be seen from space? / That's actually not true. Not only are there other man-made objects that can be seen from space, but the Great Wall of China is actually pretty hard to see since it's the same color as the ground. Why are we talking about the Great Wall of China? / Man, forget you. The Great Wall of China is bigger than you AND your dad. / Lincoln! There you are. / Hey Jose. Sorry about that. I bet him he couldn't drink 15 bottles of soy sauce. I owe him 2 dollars now, but it was totally worth it!
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Federal Aid Lame! This thing I bought on the internet does not work as advertised / I'm totally sending it back for a refund! / Geez, this is taking forever! It's been like 6 to 8 weeks! I am going to write an angry email to the government! / Dear the government, I bought this thing on the internet but it was totally lame and didn't do the stuff I thought it was supposed to according to the stupid computer website I bought it from. So I sent it back for a refund but it's been like weeks and I haven't gotten my money back. This makes me, as an American citizen, pissed off. You guys over there at the government should totally arrest or fine or execute or whatever those internet guys who messed up this thing I bought from them. / Dear citizen, sucks to be you. Sincerely, the government
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