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A Film by Queen Elizabeth II Elizabeth: OK IT'S MY TURN NOW / [[Movie poster with a crown on top of the title]] / {{movie title: IN HER MAJESTY'S SECRET MAJESTY}} / Elizabeth: Get out of here, James Bond! / Elizabeth: Your queen no longer requires your butt-kicking spy services. / [[Queen Elizabeth pulls a gun]] / Elizabeth: HY-YAH!! I'm fighting all the spies!!! / [[Queen Elizabeth dons a pair of big, black-lensed, aviator sunglasses]] / Elizabeth: In the event that my identity is discovered, I will disavow all knowledge of myself. And it will totally work because I'm old. / {{mouse-over text: KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON KICKING SPY BUTTS}}
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A Film by Emperor Norton Norton: Pah! Nobody wants to see no movie about some stupid spy queen. / Elizabeth: Oh whatever! Like anyone's going to want to see your lame hobo movie. It'll probably be about how you eat garbage or something. / Norton: {{quietly}} I assure you madame, it is the furthest thing from my mind. / [[A black screen with white-text quotes]] / {{"Uproariously breathtaking. A haunting, riveting gem... of the year." -Peter Travers}} / {{"I drew 4 stars on 2 of my thumbs and then waved them around crazily." -Roger Ebert}} / {{coming this fall...}} / [[Pink screen with black text]] / {{I EAT ALL THE FANCY CAKES FOR TWO HOURS}} / {{A film written by, directed by, and starring}} / {{Emperor Norton}} / {{mouse-over text; "Sorry, I'm dead" -Gene Siskel}}
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A Film by Skeleton Shakespeare Earhart: Skeleton Shakespeare, you're a super creative guy at writing drama. I bet you've got a great movie idea! / Shakespeare: Well my uh my main idea was to do an actually good film version of one of my plays... Oh William who are you kidding you'll never be better than Kenneth Branagh. / Shakespeare: OK, no, that's OK! I'll do an original, something original! Yeah! / Shakespeare: I'll do one about a guy whose dad is a ghost- wait, no. How about there are some young lovers and they kill themselves- dang it! / Shakespeare: No OK, I'll do something crazy like with fairies and a guy whose head turns into a donkey- GUH! THERE'S NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN! / Shakespeare: Wait, crud. I even stole that line from myself. / {{mouse-over text: Hamlet is basically a ripoff of Ghost Dad anyway.}}
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A Film by Amelia Earhart Anonymous; I think it's your turn to do one, Amelia. / Earhart: All right! / [[Black screen with yellow title-text and gray secondary-text]] / {{BATGIRL- NOT starring Alicia Silverstone}} / [[Amelia dons a black Batman mask, the pointy ears poking up through her hair]] / Earhart: Oh no! There's a crime going on in the sky of Gotham City! / Earhart: Quick, Batman! I need to borrow the Batplane! / [[Darwin is wearing an identical Batman mask]] / Darwin: Well, all right... but only if you promise not to crash it somewhere mysteriously in the Pacific. / {{SOON}} / Darwin: BATGIRRRRRRRRRRRL!!! / {{mouse-over text; The Joker knew that sky crimes were her one weakness!}}
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A Film by Edgar Allan Poe Poe: I believe I have a tale to chill the bones. I call it... The Pit of the Purloined Prize. / Poe: Imagine if you will... A group of friends begin a good-natured competition for which a trivial prize is offered to the winner. / Poe: But, trivial as it is, one of the friends becomes obsessed with gaining this prize. The thought that anyone else might win it torments him, and the voices inside him lash his brain with the tongues of demons. / Poe: He could never trust chance or the whims of his comrades to allow him to secure the prize. Competing for it as the others do is unthinkable. Instead, this friend- no, more of an acquaintance really- hatches a devilish plot to obtain his end. / Poe: Somewhere, deep within, tiny voices cry out, attempting to sway him from this path. But he is heedless to their solicitations and simply carries on digging. He has a plan for this pit, and he will not be deterred. One by one, the bodies will fill- / [[Amelia holds up the "Invisible Trophy]] / Earhart: Well! I don't think I even need to hear the end of this story to say definitively that Poe clearly has the best movie idea! The Invisible Trophy's all yours!! / {{mouse-over text: The movie is just a guy reading narration for 2 hours.}}
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Moonlighting Frederick Douglass: Man, being broke blows. I need more money! / Lincoln: Yeah man, everybody does. I had to take a second job. / Douglass: Oh geez, really? What's your new job? / Lincoln: Well, the weather's starting to get warmer and so the local pools were hiring a bunch of life guards, you know, to get ramped up for summer. / Douglass: Oh, so you're going to be a life guard? That doesn't seem like a bad job. / Lincoln: No, those positions filled up fast. But it turns out that pool filters are really expensive now. / Long story short, I got hired as a bandaid eater. / {{title text: It's more cost-effective to hire an ex-president to eat pool bandaids}}
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Smooth Buddies Pythagoras: I'd like to introduce you guys to my friend, Statue of Archimedes. / Archimedes: HELLO. / Lincoln: Whoa, Pythagoras! Are you guys... / Lincoln: ...smooth buddies? / Pythagoras: Um...? Oh. No. No, we're not. / Lincoln: Cause, ya know, it'd be totally OK if you guys are smooth buddies. Nobody will be mad. / Archimedes: I AM A STATUE. / {{Alt-text: It's cool if you're smooth buddies, really. I just hope you're not rough buddies.}}
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a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=880">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=880 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=882">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=882 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Party Time! Lincoln: Woo! / Zombie Mark Twain: All right! / Charles Darwin: Boogie Down! / Elizabeth: What are you idiots doing? It's 3 in the morning! / Lincoln: Well geez. Who called the fun police? / Zombie Mark Twain: I did! / Cop: Guys, I'm here to PARTY! / {{title text: They're police who are fun}}
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SLAM! Edgar Allan Poe: All right everyone, welcome to the poetry slam. Our first contestant is... Abraham Lincoln / Abe Lincoln: I'm in the ground, I'm in containment | I am a shadow tiger, subterranean | I am a rose, blooming in the dark | I'm naked, unsubtle, pristine, stark / Sigmund Freud: I'm going to find out what's going on here! Mark my words! / Abe Lincoln: I... what? We're having a poetry slam. We're slamming poetry. / Abe Lincoln: Ahem. I... uh... / Abe Lincoln: I'm... uh... / Abe Lincoln: Aw snickerdoodles, I lost my slams! I can't... I'm just gonna go. / Audience member: Amazing performance! / Audience member: He's really pushing the boundaries of the slam form!
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The Fresh President of D.C. THE PAST / Lincoln: Dudes, this whole Civil War thing really sucks! / Lincoln: Tons of people are dying a lot. / Hannibal: I suppose this is the terrible price we must pay to preserve the Union, Mr. Lincoln. / Lincoln: Yeah but come on, Veepster! This isn't what I signed up for when I told everybody I should be the president. / Lincoln: I didn't think it was going to be all, "THE BLOODIEST WAR IN AMERICAN HISTORY" all the time! / Lincoln (wearing a hat): I thought it was going to be like, you know, chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool. But then a couple of states (who were up to no good) started making trouble in my neighborhood! / {{Alt-text: I got in one little civil war and my mom got scared}}
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Birdwatching young martha: Birdwatching? All right, I guess that's an OK idea for a date. / abe: Yesss I am an awesome boyfriend / SOON / abe: All right birds, prepare to get watched. / abe: What the donk? Where are all the birds? There are always a ton of them around here. / young martha: I know, and I swear I heard them chirping all around before we came out here...Wait, there's one! / [fake bird with 'bird watchers go home' sign next to it] / abe: I don't remember seeing this one in the guide book
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Cojones George: OK, we can all agree that cojones is a pretty badass way to refer to the male nuts. / George: But gents, I have a proposition: we should pronounce it like "co-jones" / Twain: Capital idea. Hilarious! / Edison: Yeah, that rules! / Abe: What! How come whenever I have ideas like that, everybody's always like "that's a dumb idea for dummies and you're a dumb dummy?" / George: To the right is Jones; to the left, his co-jones. / Abe (thinking): That is pretty good.
http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=887
a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=888">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=888 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
 
Sniffly Shakespeare Abe: Hey Skeleton Shakespeare, what's up dawg? What's with the sunglasses? It's like cloudier than rhino farts today. / Shakespeare: I'b really sick. I'd stay away udless you wadt to be all codgestion add sduffles like be. / Abe: Oh yeah man, I feel your pain. I had the same thing like a week ago. My sinuses were just jam-crammed fulla snot. It sucked! / Shakespeare: Sinuses? Your SINUSES? YOU THINK YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY PAIN?? / Shakespeare: YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING / {{Alt-text: you can't blow your eye sockets}}
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Made Out of Sinuses Abe: So that was when I started cowering in the corner out of disgust-fear. Like this. / Douglass: Wait, so, you're saying his entire head fills up with snot? / Abe: Yeah. The dude is like, entirely made out of sinuses. / Douglass: Cripes, being a skeleton must really blow. / Douglass: ... / Douglass: What happens if he sneezes? / Abe: *cowers under an umbrella* / {{Alt-text: Abe is proud of his cowering technique.}}
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I Was Born A Unicorn Lincoln: I'm a unicorn now! / Lincoln: Yeah, a pretty sweet genie turned me into one. / Freud: You can't hide it from me! I'll get to the bottom of this, I will! / Washington: Um, OK... / So anyway, what did you do with your other two wishes? / Lincoln: Well, genies are very tricky, you know, so I had to use my first two wishes on... preventative measures. / Lincoln: OK for my first wish I want unicorns to definitely exist. / ...and for my second wish, they aren't only allowed to live in a little girl's bedroom. / {{alt text: I missed the ark but I could have sworn you'd wait for me}}
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Archaeology Lincoln: Man, what do you think would happen if some archaeologists found this comic someday? / Queen Elizabeth: You mean like if archaeologists learned how to use the internet and went to this website? / Lincoln: No! I mean if future archaeologists dug up this comic! I bet they'd be PRETTY CONFUSED about how some things in the past happened! / Queen Elizabeth: Now look, archaeologists may be idiots, but they're not just going to assume anything they find is a historically accurate work of nonfiction. / Lincoln: But what if it's really far in the future, and they couldn't tell the difference between comic strips and like, hieroglyphics! / Queen Elizabeth: You're describing a situation in which archaeologists have somehow become more stupid. I'm trying to tell you, that's not possible.
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Mewsevelt's Tooth Ache Lincoln: Rasputin, come quick -- you gotta help! Mewsevelt has a terrible toothache! / [[Mewsevelt has a banage around his jaw]] / Rasputin: Um, what. / Rasputin: OK, Mewsevelt has a cavity in his tooth that is bigger than the tooth itself. It appears to be sucking in his other teeth. No dentistry exists to fix this... but I could try some freaky Russian magic if you want. / Lincoln: Whatever, just help him! / Rasputin: Um, well I guess I accidentally turned him into a creepy matryoshka doll. / Lincoln: Mewsevelt, I'm sorry but you aren't as good of a cat anymore. At least you go on forever now, I guess.
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Siren Song Abe: aaaaaaah ahhhhh aaaaah ahhh ahhhhh / Lizzy: What are you doing! That's the song of the siren you're singing! / Abe: A pretty mermaid taught me this song and I think she would know. You're probably just jealous of how sweet a song I can sing. / Abe: aaaaaaah ahhhhh aaaaah ahhh ahhhhh / Abe: *runs away from Newton, Jose, Poe, Rasputin, Darwin, Twain, and George* / Abe (thinking): Every dude in the world right now wants to kiss me. Think, Abe! What do I do? There's got to be some way to monetize this!
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The Joy of Science {{The Joy of Science}} / {{with Abe Lincoln}} / Lincoln: Hello my friends, today on The Joy of Science, we're going to be trying some really lovely chemistry experiments. Doesn't that sound delightful? / Lincoln: Over here we have a happy little petri dish of water. Doesn't he just look friendly? / Lincoln: For our first experiment, we're going to see if we can't get some common vegetable oil to stop being such a silly wallflower and go out and meet some new friends. After all, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet, I always say. / Lincoln: Aw, well I guess oil and water don't get along too well after all. For our next experiment, we're going to introduce Potassium to our friend the water and see if we can't get them to be pals. / [[A flame burns in the petri dish]] / Lincoln: C'mon Potassium, now you're just being a jerk. / {{mouse-over text: there's no chemistry between these chemicals}}
http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=896
a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=898">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=898 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Skateboard Billy Douglass: Everyone's talking about skateboards for some reason lately. Do you think I should get one? / Abe: Yeah, definitely! We could share skateboarding "Tips 'n' Tricks" together! / Douglass: Oh yeah, you're into that stuff? / Abe: They don't call me Skateboard Billy for nothin' / Douglass: Really? People call you Skateboard Billy? / Abe: I just told you, I pay them to.
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a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=900">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=900 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
 
a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=901">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=901 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=902">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=902 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=903">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=903 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=904">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=904 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Beans Lincoln: So you've known Pythagoras since olden times, right? You know any hilarious secrets from his past we can tease him about? / Statue of Archimedes: PYTHAGORAS REALLY HATES BEANS. CHECK IT OUT, SAY SOMETHING TO HIM ABOUT BEANS. / Lincoln: Hey Pythagoras! How 'bout them beans? / Pythagoras: Beans? BEANS? BEANS????? / [[Pythagoras wields an axe]] / Statue of Archimedes: WAIT, CAN HUMANS GLUE THEIR CHUNKS BACK ON AFTER SOME ONE AXES THEM OFF? I ALWAYS FORGET. / {{mouse-over text: Pytagoras does not like beans}}
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