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The Secret of Science [[Lincoln, wearing goggles, looks at two beakers]] / [[Flips goggles up]] / Lincoln: Yes! I have discovered the secret... of SCIENCE! / [[Darwin appears]] / Darwin: Th-the secret of science? Whatever do you mean? / [[Lincoln with goggles up]] / Lincoln: The secret is that science is fun to do with friends! C'mon Darwin, let's science together! / [[Lincoln and Darwin both have goggles on and are playing with four beakers]] / Lincoln: Hooray for science with friends! / Darwin: WOO! / [[Darwin alone]] / Darwin: I wish I hadn't died hated and alone!
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Lincoln Is So Insensitive Lincoln: / Washington: / Lincoln: No, please! / Washington: / Lincoln: I don't want to die! / Washington: It's always what YOU want, isn't it! You never consider MY needs, MY desires! That is SO like you.
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Unawesome Guest Comic Guys do you know how many of the seven times the world has been saved the saving has been done by me? / Yes! Two! / Once when George Washington totally flushed earth down Atlus' toilet. / And once more when I beat the devil in a game of Tekken when the stakes were the world! / You're Street Fighter! / This isn't Street Fighter!
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Wondermark Guest Comic Heh heh heh... this is gonna be so awesome. / Hey man, what's going on? / Shh, it's ringing, it's ringing / {{Old Phone}}<> / Hello? / Um, yes, is Billy home? / There's no Billy here. / I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number. / Ah hah ha ha ha! That's classic, man, classic / What are you talking about. / They just talked to ABE LINCOLN! THE ABE LINCOLN! And they have no idea / Dude, that was your mom.
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Steve Carey's Guest Comic [[Lincoln is dressed up like Michael Jackson, in a red suit and wearing one purple glove, holding a microphone]] / Lincoln: Oh Billie Jean is not my lover... She's just a girl who sez that... I am the one... But the kid is no my son! OO! OO!! / [[Lincoln dressed as Michael Jackson stands in front of a background of large, colorful musical notes, and slaps his knee]] / Lincoln: Awright! Slide on down champ. Make it look easy. Emancipate and proclamate, brother man... / [[Lincoln-as-Michael-Jackson opens his jacket to reveal a Mickey Mouse shirt; he stands in front of a new colorful background of musical notes, stars, and circles]] / Lincoln: Whoa. Hold tight girls, catch this action! Look but don't touch. Like the jacket? Stole it from Ulysses Grant. / [[Lincoln-as-Michael-Jackson dances in front of a rainbow background]] / Lincoln: Woo! Magic! I'm flyin' now! Hey Clinton. Try THIS you sax-blowin' dinosaur! / Lincoln: Okay... Big finish! Gotta get 'em outta their chairs... don't push it ... careful now ... even America's favorite president's got to know his... uh... / [[Lincoln and Washington's heads are floating in a bathroom; Lincoln is in front of the sink mirror, wearing a shower cap]] / Lincoln: ...limitations. / Washington: Hurry up Lincoln! Some of us gotta use the can!
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Reprographics Guest Comic [[Photograph of the Washington Monument at night]] / Washington Monument: Yo Linc. 'Sup? / [[Different photograph of Washington Monument, also at night]] / Washington Monument: It's Big Daddy Wash. 'Sup main man? / [[Photograph of Lincoln Monument at night]] / Lincoln Monument: You know I like to practice solitary contemplation this time of the hours. / Washington Monument: Hey yo bro. Bro. Lincoln is in Nebraska. Where's Washington at? / Lincoln Monument: You are disturbing my relaxation. / Washington Monument: Check me out dude! Five hundred and fifty-five feet of pure marble! I am one rock star of a monument! / Lincoln Monument: Yes, I know, I know. Well, you know what they say about tall buildings. / Washington Monument: No, what? Is it something about the fact that I look like a big robot penis? 'cause if it is... I know. I'm hot.
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No Comic Today Lincoln: This is a comic about how there's no comic today. / Washington: Whoa! Can we do that? / Lincoln: It seems to be working so far! / Washington: Wow this is awesome! We should totally do this more often. Do we even need to do a punchline? / Lincoln: We don't usually have much of a punchline, so probably not! I think I'm just going to make a funny fce and see if it counts. / [[Lincoln sticks out his tongue and shuts one eye.]] / Washington: Um, that's more hideous than funny, dude...
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Text Emoticons So guys, what's up with CHAT ROOMS / Chat rooms are for pre-teens and child predators. So they're pretty much like the rest of the internet. / Haha, yeah. My favorite thing about chat rooms is TEXT EMOTICONS / Like this is one of my favorites: D: / I'm quite partial to this one: happy mustachioed man! :{D / Check out this one I just made up: the intrigued duck! Y:,' / :o
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POWERFUL BUFF MUSCLES ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN NAMED ABE LINCOLN WHO WAS VERY MUSCLE BUFF AND MANLY AND ALSO POWERFUL. / (BUFF FOREHEAD MUSCLES) / HE WAS SEARCHING STRONGLY IN THE NIGHT FOR MUSCLEY MAN THINGS TO DO OR BREAK SUCH AS FIGHTING OR GLASS / (LOOKING AROUND) / HE VERY POWERFULLY DECIDED TO EAT BRICKS AND GLASS WHILE FIGHTING A TRAIN BLINDFOLDED. / (DECISIVE) / SUDDENLY HE SAW A WEAK AND WIMPY PWERON WHO WAS LACKING IN POWER AND ALSO WAS OBVIOUSLY VERY PUNY. / (PUNY WEAKLING) / HE TOTALLY HEADBUTTED THE WEAKLING CAUSING AN IMPRESSIVELY POWERFUL EXPLOSION OF MANLINESS WHILE SAYING "MUSCLES!" / MUSCLES! / TO BE CONTINUED!!!!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Lincoln: So. / Washington: So. / Lincoln: So. / Washington: So. / Lincoln: So. / Washington: So. / Lincoln: Ugh, this is ridiculous. We're both adults. We can't just pretend that what happened last night didn't! / Washington: Actually, I'm pretty sure that we can. Can and SHOULD. / Lincoln: You said that Jefferson Davis was probably a better president than me! That's not something you can just take back!
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Lyrical Assumptions Lincoln: So does anyone else ever do this thing where you kind of assume that anytime someone is referred to as "you" or part of "us" in a song that the song is talking about a girl and romance even though that's probably often not a safe assuomption to make? / Lincoln: Because I totally do! / Rasputin: You mean you always assume the person they're singing to is female? What if the song is song by a woman or a gay guy or like a muppet? / Lincoln: Well, I mean, not always, but usually! And if I know that the singer is a gay man or a straight woman, I still assume it's romantic, just with genders switched as appropriate. / Rasputin: I imagine that could lead to pretty problematic interpretations! / Lincoln: It makes hymns a lot sexier, let me tell you!
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Here is Your Posterior, Sir Abraham Lincoln: You know, I really don't get the expression "to have your ass handed to you." / Queen Elizabeth: Oh, well it means - / Abraham Lincoln: I know what it MEANS, Liz, but what I don't get is where it came from. / Abraham Lincoln: Now, I think it's safe to assume we're not talking about a donkey here. So what the expression is literally saying is that you were defeated so soundly that the opposition was able to tear your buttocks off and subsequently present them to you. Does this really make a lot of sense to anyone? / Queen Elizabeth: It's just an expression Abraham. Has anyone ever told you that you think about things like this too much? / Abraham Lincoln: Yes, actually! That's exactly what they said when I turned in my doctorate thesis on this topic.
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That Wacky Mewsevelt Panel 1: / [[Lincoln is sleeping]] / Panel 2: / [[Close-up on Mewsevelt's face]] / <> / Panel 3: / [[Lincoln wakes up. He looks frightened.]] / Lincoln: What! Who's there! What's going on! / Panel 4: / [[Lincoln seems to have calmed down]] / Lincoln: Oh, it's just you, Mewsevelt! Why were you breathing all creepy over me while I slept like that? / Panel 5: / [[Lincoln and Washington are facing eachother, Lincoln is speaking and Washington looks frightened]] / Lincoln: So that's when an errant ray of moonlight hit him and he sort of evaporated away into the darkness. Isn't he the cutest thing! / Panel 6: / [[Washington looks frightened]] / Washington: A-abe, I think you're confusing "cute" with "the most frightening thing I think I've ever heard of".
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An Experiment Lincoln: So guess what! I've been conducting an EXPERIMENT! / Washington: Im sure no amount of disdain or disinterest expressed on my part will stop you from elaborating, so please tell me about your experiment. / Lincoln: I knew you'd want to hear about it! So yeah, I've been experimenting with ENUNCIATION. That is, with properly enunciating words! / Lincoln: Yeah, so I found out that I really don't pronounce my t's or d's very clearly! Like the word "butter?" I totally say it like "budder" most of the time! / Lincoln: Isn't that CRAZY! / Washington: You know, sometimes I wonder if maybe your brain could be put to better purposes, but I suppose it probably wouldn't make very good kindling.
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Beardtron Meeting Minutes So I was reading in the paper that some guy recently shot his pregnant girlfriend and then himself. / What's up with murder-suicides! Pretty lame, am I right? Anyway, who wants nachos? / "Pretty lame" is all you have to say about murder-suicides?? I'm speechless. / Yeah, why would you even bring that up if that's all you had to say about it? And also, why do we always have to get Mexican after our Beardtron meetings? / Yeah, good point! I propose a vote to make Lincoln not the Beardtron leader anymore! / Guys, um, I don't see this vote on the agenda anywhere...
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From the Mailbag Today on Thinkin' Lincoln, we're going to answer a question from one of our readers! / At Thinkin' Lincoln, we answer the tough questions so you don't have to or whatever. / Brent writes: HEY CAN YOU ASK THAT WASHINGTON GUY WHATS UP WITH WRITING AN S LIKE A FANCY F ANYWAY I MEAN SERIOUSLY THATS PRETTY WEIRD DONT YOU THINK. / Oh um... well I guess that's just the way we did it back then? / george... make something better than that up. you know what will happen if you disappoint me again. / Oh, heh heh, just kidding! The real reason is that uh... see back then everyone had kind of a lisp that made saying s sometimes sound like f... uh! ...and that was because we had learned to speak from er... mimes! Yeah, mimes... killer mimes! Anyway, that's why... good reason don't you think?
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Hey, Abraham, who was the 12th US president? / Zachary Taylor, I believe. / Ha! Shows what you know! David Rice Atchison was the 12th US president - he was president for one day between Polk and Taylor. You see, Polk's term ended on a Sunday but Taylor postponed his swearing in until the next day rather than do it on the Sabbath. So Atchison, who was President Pro Tempore of the Senate, became the president for that day! Apparently, he slept for most of the day. Haha! / Ugh, no. The reasons that is not true are legion and involve a lot of constitutional history, but I'll boil it down to a few of the main ones. First, Atchison's term ended the day before too, so at most he would have been president for the few minutes he was sworn in before the vice president. / But even that's not true, because the vice president is usually sworn in before the president, but no one seriously claims that the vice president is "technically" president for the time between his inauguration and the president elect's. / Haha! Queenie got PWN'T! BOOYAH, SUCKER! You better check yoself before you wreck yoself!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Lincoln: Guys, you know who is totally not that tough? / Lincoln: Popeye is totally not that tough. / [[Blank panel]] / Lincoln: Yeah, I know! I'm way stronger than he is. I'm the Illinois Rail Splitter! / Lincoln: I'm practically MADE of muscles! And I'm strong all the time, not just after I've eaten some pansy vegetable. / [[Blank panel]] / Lincoln: I knew you guys would agree! You're such great friends! / [[Washington and Liz in this panel]] / Elsewhere: / Washington: Do you think Abe has even noticed that we're not there?
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The Best Sentence Ever [[Lincoln appears to be deep in thought]] / [[Lincoln opens mouth and exclamation mark appears over his head]] / Lincoln: You guys, you guys! I totally just thought of the best sentence ever! Check this out: "The wizard quizzically stared at the stairs, his gizzard impaired by a bilious pear." / Queen Elizabeth II: I'm not so sure that's the best sentence ever, Abraham. Wouldn't the sentence bearing that title need to make a bit more sense? / Washington: I can totally make up a better sentence than that right now: "The late president set a precedent of decadent idiocy never surpassed, from present to past, throughout all history." / Lincoln: If that was meant to be disparaging towards me, I'd like to point out that it could apply to either of us equally. / Washington: No, um, I was totally talking about... Martin Van Buren! Yeah, what a tard that guy was! / Lincoln: Oh, totally! / Martin Van Buren [[with a tear in his eye]]: Guys, I'm RIGHT here!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Lincoln: Ugh... / Elizabeth: Abraham, you look terrible! You must see a doctor immediately! / Lincoln: No way, I hate doctors! I'm not going to see any doctor! / Lincoln: Besides, I don't need to! I've got all these apples! [[There is a pile of apples next to Lincoln.]] / Elizabeth: How will a pile of apples help? / Lincoln: "An apple a day keeps the doctor away!" / Darwin: They're throwing apples again! Run! [[Darwin is wearing a doctor's mirror on his head, running away from an apple which has been thrown at him.]]
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Quacks! Queen Elizabeth II: Why do you hate doctors, Abraham? That's silly. / Abraham Lincoln: I hate them because they are all crazy quacks who couldn't give a proper diagnosis to save their lives! / Charles Darwin: Our Mr. Lincoln here is suffering from a bad case of green face-paint. Observe how easily it wipes off. / Abraham Lincoln: See what I mean! Doctors are all quacks! / Abraham Lincoln: Quack, quack, quack! That's you, Dr. Darwin! You QUACK. / Charles Darwin: I'm actually not a doctor, I'm just wearing this doctor thingy. Don't I look fetching?
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Quaaaack!! / ! / Intriguing! It seems that you have quacked so much that you evolved into some kind of man-duck! / No way, I intelligent designed into some kind of man-duck. / Uh, ok. Anyway, I don't have time to stand around dressed like an old-timey doctor now! I must go revise my famous theory! Bye! / Fine, go! By the way, good job on failing to be baited into a debate about a Controversial Political Issue of the Day, you QUAAACK!!
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Lincoln: Whoa! Holy crap! I'm like totally hand-drawn!! / Washington: What, you didn't get the memo? / Queen: Shut up George, there was no memo! / Lincoln: Being hand-drawn is so weird! I'm all woobly-looking and I'm not consistent from panel to panel... / Queen: In fairness, if we were normally hand-drawn, we would probably be more simplified and, well, easier to draw. This would most likely lend us a more natural and consistent look throughout the strip. / Lincoln: Lizzie, is that you? You look totally different than the person who was talking a minute ago!
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Woo No-Pants Party Lincoln: Something's wrong today... I feel really different... / Washington: Um, I think I know what it is - you're not wearing any pants! / Lincoln: No, that can't be it. I mean, neither of us is wearing pants. We're having a no-pants party, after all! No, it's something else. But what? Oh! I forgot to wind my pocket-watch! / Washington: Are you sure it's not the fact that we are rendered in an entirely different style today than usual? / Lincoln: Yup! Definitely the pocket-watch thing. Now let's get back to our no-pants party! You, uh, did say some chicks were going to show up, right? / Washington: Uh, sure...
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PUNK RAWK!! Lincoln: Did you guys know that I am totally punk rock?? [[Lincoln is wearing a green mohawk, and his beard is pink.]] / Washington: What? Since when? / Lincoln: Ever since I learned about The Man, you know, and how he's bad or whatever? Oh and the government is bad too. / Lincoln: See, check this out: / Lincoln: ANARCHY IN THE UK!!! YEAH! / Elizabeth: Anarchy in the WHAT! / Lincoln: Well, I certainly wouldn't want anarchy in the USA! / Lincoln: Perhaps Canada would be acceptable?
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Thinkin' Lincoln - The Coolest Webcomic Since Sliced Bread Van Buren: Hey you guys! Check out this awesome thing that happened to me! It's so crazy, you'll never believe it! / Van Buren: I went to the video store to see if they had this rare import of a certain anime movie, but they didn't. I totally knew they wouldn't! Isn't that just nutty? / Van Buren: THEN I called this girl I like to tell her they didn't have the movie I wanted to show her but she didn't answer. / Van Buren: Anyway, guys, I'm gonna go watch some sitcoms or maybe drink a glass of water or something! Later! / Washington: Holy crisco! That guy is more like Martin Van BORING! I swear it seems like every time I see him, he's trying to blow away his previous records in being inane. / Lincoln: Oh, he's gone? Well I guess I won't KILL MYSELF then.
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I'm Sorry, Van Buren Lincoln: So, I feel kind of bad. / Washington: Why? About what? / Lincoln: For making fun of Van Buren. / Lincoln: I mean, sure, the guy is violently boring, but it's not like he can help it. He's a nice guy! He's just really, really boring. Which doesn't make him a bad person or anything. / Washington: I suppose I could feel bad about that, but instead I think I will continue making fun of annoying dump-faces like Martin Van Dumpface. / Lincoln: I'm sorry Van Buren - I am for reeeeal! I made fun 'cause you're a boring guy. I apologize a trillion times.
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All the Hippest Trends Lincoln: Man I think I need a new look. I've had this one for like 140 years. / Lincoln: I bet I would look totally hott with like a huge walrus mustache! / Washington: Geez, Lincoln, way to jump on the friggin' bandwagon. / Queen Elizabeth: Yeah, you're such a poseur. George and I have been into walrus mustaches since before they were cool. / Lincoln: Fine! I'll do something else to freshen up my look! I know, how about one of those bone nosering things! / Rasputin: Ugh. Well, I guess the "native" look is now officially passé.
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Groundhog Day 2006 Radio: Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties because it's COOOLD out there today! / Radio: It's cold out there every day. What is this-- Miami Beach? / Radio: Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties because it's COOOLD out there today! / Radio: It's cold out there every day. What is this-- Miami Beach? / Radio: Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties because it's COOOLD out there today! / Radio: It's cold out there every day. What is this-- Miami Beach? / Punxsutawney Phil: So, uh when do I get to make out with Andie MacDowell?
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How Very Freudian Lincoln: I've been kind of depressed lately / Freud: It's because you want to have sex with your mother, of course. / Lincoln: Sigmund Freud! What are you doing here? And no I don't! / Freud: I am here to help you with your mental problems! / Freud: And of course you want to have sex with your mother. She's one sexy broad, am I right? / Lincoln: WHAT / Freud: Okay, the truth is can I have your mother's phone number? I want to call her. For sex.
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