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Hamlin Fills In Hamlin: Hey everyone! Uh, how are you today! / Hamlin: Uh... hey! So! Uhhh... So um how about wierd words! / Hamlin: That's a thing to talk about all right! Wierd words! Like uh, onomatopoeia! Pretty wierd! Yes, sir, this is a good topic. / Washington: Who are you and why are you talking at us? / Hamlin: I'm Hannibal Hamlin! Mr. Lincoln said I could keep telling people that I was his vice president if I filled in for him today. Mr. Lincoln is a real nice guy! / Hamlin[[looking at a sheet of paper]]: He also said that as an added bonus he wouldn't "pound my stupid little twerp face down into the dirt and make me eat bugs and worms and maybe rocks" if I call all the girls in this list and ask if they like him or not.
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Canada's Terrible Secret John Macdonald [[to Lincoln]]: Well hello there. / Lincoln: Woah! Are you Magneto! / John Macdonald: No, I'm not Magneto! I'm Sir John A. Macdonald, the first Prime Minister of Canada! / Lincoln: Don't worry Magneto, your secret is safe with me! / John Macdonald: Look, okay, YES I can move metal objects with my mind. I admit that. But that doesn't make me Magneto! All Canadians can do that! / John Macdonald: Oh wait! Crap! I diidn't say anything! / [[A picture of Earth is shown, with Canada launching into space via giant rockets]] / Narrator: Her secret revealed, Canada if forced to return once again to the lonely vastness of space.
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A Woman President Lincoln: So hey what do you guys think about the idea of a woman president? / Washington: A woman president? Ha! I bet there's like 40 or 50 good sexist objections I could make to that. / Queen Elizabeth II: Women make fine leaders, thank you very much! / Washington: Oh, oh! I know! Like, once a month she'd probably blow something up! Get it? PMS? Ha ha ha! / Queen Elizabeth II: Oh my, you're right! Look at the time! / [[Washington, blackened (probably by an awesome explosion) wearing the surprised expression of someone who pissed off the wrong woman]]
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How to Draw Mewsevelt HOW to DRAW MEWSEVELT / Step 1. / Start with a simple line. / Step 2. / Add some more lines. / Step 3. / Mewsevelt has a lot of lines. / Step 4. / You have now completed Mewsevelt's inner ear. Now begin the outer ear by drawing some more lines. / Step 5. / Now move on to the rest of the head. I recommend using lots of lines to draw it. Then, color it in using colors. / Step 6. / Hmm, needs more lines.
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Work, Work, Work! Lincoln: Work, work, work! I feel like all I ever do is work! / Washington: Maybe you should take a vacation / Lincoln: We-ell... I kind of just took a couple days off like a week or two ago. But still! And... I guess I also took another couple days off recently because I was kinda sick? But still! / Washington: Oh, well, I'm sure they make you do a lot of hard work when you are there! / AT WORK: / Lincoln, Typing on computer: Dear, LiveJournal, My job is so lame! They make me work so hard! My boss is like a slave driver, practically! I only get the chance to update like two or three times a day! / Lincoln's Boss: Back to work! / Whip cracks
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Emperor Norton [[Norton's head is small in the upper right corner]] / Norton: Hey! Lincoln! I see you over there, y'old phoney! / Lincoln: Oh, great, this guy again. / Washington: Who is that? / Lincoln: It's Joshua Norton, AKA "Emperor" Norton. He's a total nutjob who claimed to be the emperor of America. Probably still does. A bunch of people in San Francisco humored him and accepted the fake money he printed up with his face on it. / Lincoln: Oh, hey Norton. / Norton: That's EMPEROR Norton to you! You know what happens when you don't call me by my proper title. NOOGIES!! Haha! / Norton: Seriously, though, I'll shoot you right in your stupid face if you ever do that again.
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Uncomfortable Comparisons Lincoln: So uh, what do you want, E-emperor? / Norton: Haha hey Lincoln remember that time when I was Emperor of America and you were "elected" as fake president? / Norton: And then remember how everyone loved me but people hated you so much that like half the country tried to split off and form their own country? / Lincoln: That's not really - / Norton: Haha and then remember later when I lived out my life and died of natural causes but you got assassinated because that's how much more people liked me than you? Haha, good times! / [[Norton wears a feathered hat]] / Norton: You always had a taller hat than I had though, and for that I will curse your name forever.
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Hat Race Emperor Norton: Gentlemen, we have a problem. / Emperor Norton: The new upstart "president" is in possession of a powerful weapon we can't hope to match. / Emperor Norton: What we have here, gentlemen, is a hat gap. / Emperor Norton: We need a battle strategy! Suggestions, men? / Alberto the pidgeon: Coo cooo coo coo. / Emperor Norton: This is no time for your racist remarks, Alberto!
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Practical for Bees Queen Bee-lizabeth: Drone Lincoln! Where have you been! / TV: ...the worker bees communicate via a complex and beautiful waggle dance... / Bee Lincoln: / Queen Bee-Lizabeth: ... / Bee Lincoln: waggle dances / Queen Bee-lizabeth: Yes, it's a seductive waggle dance, but it won't get you out of telling me where you were last night!
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breads with the coolest face Lincoln: Hey my dudes and my las chicas listen very to me about a subjective topicality of dense inportance all right. / Washington: Lincoln my man I'm the only of your dudes aroundsabout so just go and chill your jets ok. / Lincoln: Washington I do not think you are comprehensioning the vastness of this gravity for the discussion I'm trying to build all right. / Washington: Dude guy just spit it out your face already ok. / Lincoln: I am not appreciating your manifest malfeasance to my discussion all right but this is where I am getting at: breads with the coolest face. There is lots of breads but mosts of them aren't containing the coolest face my man dude so the cat's out of the sack all right. / Washington: Man what kinds of scams are you trying to pull over me you cannot just tell a fellow that mosts of breads are without the the coolest face and not relay exactly what are the breads WITH the coolest face how is a gentleman meant to cope ok?
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Academia Lincoln: Hey, Amelia Earhart! What's going on! / Amelia Earhart: Oh, not much. I'm just working on my dissertation. It's a lot of work! / Lincoln: Oh, what's your thesis on? / Earhart: Oh, well, it's called "Increasing Effectiveness of Radio Transmissions in Air to Ground Communications" and it talks about - / Lincoln: That will never do! You should change it to "Electrobutts: Wave of the Future or Proctologist's Nightmare?" / Earhart: E-electrobutts? / Lincoln: What! Are you trying to steal my thesis! Plagiarist! I'll have you expelled! / AN INDETERMINATE AMOUNT OF TIME LATER: / Telephone: Dr. Lincoln! This is the American Proctological Association! As the foremost authority on electrobutts, you are the only one who can help us!
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Etymology vs. Entomology Lincoln: Guys do you know what is awesome? I will tell you what is awesome: what is awesome is etymology. Let's talk about it! / Queen Elizabeth II: Ugh, again with the bugs! I swear you are always talking about stupid bugs! / Lincoln: No, no etymology, not ENTomology! I'm talking about the study of word origins! / Queen Elizabeth II: "My name's Lincoln and I want to give bugs a big ol' smoocharoo!" This is you: "BUGS" / Lincoln: Look, I don't talk about bugs all the time okay! / Lincoln: Because, I mean, technically, "bugs" refers only to insects of the order Hemiptera...
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Slide Whistlin' [[Lincoln with a shiny yellow and green slide whistle in his mouth]] / slide whistle: WOOOOOEEEEET! / Lincoln: I just got a sweet new slide whistle! It's great for INNUENDO. Hey George, how are RELATIONS with the missus? / Washington: Uh, fine I guess- / Slide whistle: WEEEOOOOT! / Washington: Okay, that's pretty annoy- / Slide whistle: WOOOOEEEEET! / Washington: Seriously, that's dumb. Cut it ou- / Slide whistle: WEEEOOOOT! / Washington: ONE MORE PEEP OUT OF THAT THING AND YOU WILL BE SORRY! / slide whistle: weet! / [[Lincoln with a slide whistle jammed so far down his throat all you can see is the slide thingy]]
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Osmosis Punxatawney Phil: So anyway, I wasn't listening to the teacher at all, but I got most of the answers right on the quiz. I Must have absorbed what ahe was saying through osmosis! / Lincoln: Thou FOOL!! / Osmosis is a specific type of diffusion-diffusion of water! If you absorbed anything its through diffusion, not diffusion of water! It makes no sense to use "osmosis" to refer to anything other than the diffusion of water! / PP: It's just an expression! / L: You want osmosis? I'll give you osmosis!! / PP: W-what? I didn't say anything to imply... / L: RRRRRRRR!!! (Lincoln absorbs Phil) Oh, right, still diffusion. Nevermind
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Cyberfight! Lincoln: You guys this is terrible! You have to help me! Please! / Washington: Dude, slow down. What's wrong? / Lincoln: Well, ok... so I saw a movie this weekend and I thought it was pretty good! But then I found out that some guy on the internet thought the movie was really bad! What am I going to do?? / Washington: What the fazool? THAT's the terrible thing? Some guy on the internet disagrees with you? Who cares! Everyone on the internet disagrees with each other. / Lincoln: But George, you don't understand! This guy has his own website! We probably have to cyber-fight now or something! What am I going to do!! / I'll be safe if I just never go on the internet again without my cyber-helmet...
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Castle Lincula Washington: Well, this is quite the spooky little ambiguously European hamlet. / Washington: You there! Gruff carriage driver! I've just arrived off the boat and I need a ride to the castle! / Rasputin: To the castle! Are you mad? Do you not know what horrors dwell therein? / Washington: The Count Lincula lives there, of course! I have business with him and I would like to see him tonight. / Rasputin: Oh, I'll not take you after dark, no sir! Do you not know the truth about the Count? I fear not! The count, he is...a terrible pedant! Yes, by day he sleeps but at night... / Washington: Spare me your superstitious nonsense! / (Presumably) Lincoln's voice coming from the castle: "Octopi??" The plural is "octopodes," you fool! / Igor-ish voice coming from the castle: Yeth, mathther.
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Washington/Lincoln George Washington: Haha, oh man! Someone just showed me THE most ridiculous Harry Potter slashfic. It's hilarious! / Abraham Lincoln: Slashfic? What's a slashfic? / George Washington: Oh, well it's a - / [[George Washington grins evilly]] / George Washington: Here, I'll just send you some links and you can find out for yourself. / [[Abraham Lincoln, with a bucket over his head, is aghast at his Apple Powerbook]] / [[The bucket falls down over Abraham Lincoln's head]] / <>
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Slash/Fiction Lincoln: So, uh, Liz... do you know what slashfics are? / Queen Elizabeth: No, what are they? / Lincoln: I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't know about this! Okay so, slashfics (short for slash fictions) are stories written by various authors on the internet wherein homosexual shenanigans between established characters from popular fiction are the main plot point! They're called "slash" because they generally take the form of like, "Kirk/Spock" or "Harry/Snape." / Queen Elizabeth: Oh my! That sounds quite awful! Something I would definitely not want to read. Definitely not. / Lincoln: I know! They are totally unauthorized and noncanon and also from what I have seen they are quite poorly written! They are pretty much the worst use of the internet ever! / Queen Elizabeth: Indeed! In fact, I think you should send me as many links to these slashfics as you can find so that I, er, never accidentally see any!
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Moving Target Lincoln [[on phone]]: Hello? oh, hey George! WHat's up buddy? "How's it hangin'." Eh? Hangin'? / Washington [[on phone]]: Uh, it's hangin' fine. Anyway, hey. I'm moving and I need your help. Remember when I helped you move? You owe me. / Lincoln [[on phone]]: Do I remember when you helped me move... / Narrator: FLASHBACK / Lincoln [[looking at large fire]]: Nooo! My precious material wealth! The only things I cared about in this cold, cruel world! WHY MEEEEEE / Lincoln [[on phone]]: You didn't hlep me move! You just torched all my stuff! / Washington [[on phone]]: Yeah, yeah, to-may-to, to-mah-to. Anyway, I already coated all my belongings in flame-retardant chemicals, so get over here and help me.
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Daily Lincoln Comics Lincoln: I have some friends coming over this weekend! / Lincoln: ...friends who are sexy females! / Queen Elizabeth II: Sexy female friends? Aren't I sexy enough for you? / Lincoln: Haha, not a chance! You're like 80 or something. I'm talking about sexy YOUNG ladies. / Washington: Dude, harsh! She may be like 80, but you're like 200! What makes you think these young laddies will be at all interested in you? / Lincoln: Well, I- wait, did you say "laddies" a second ago? / Washington: I misspoke! SORRY FOR BREATHING GEEZ / Lincoln (thinking): Does he know something I don't?
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"DEADLINES" "DEADLINES" / Lincoln: Oh crap! Cruddy crappity craps! / Darwin: What's the matter? / Lincoln: Well, I#ve got this thing, this unspecified thing, that I have to get done by tomorrow, but I have been out having fun with my friends all night and now it's after one in the morning, and I have to get up in not too long! What am I going to do! / Darwin: Don't you have a time machine? That P.L.O.T. Device of yours? / Lincoln: Oh yeah, I totally do! Sweet, thanks Charles Darwin! / IN THE END, ALL OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS CAN BE SOLVED WITH LIBERAL USE OF TIME TRAVEL
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Voyeurism Lincoln: Hey - hey you guys. / [[Pan to Queen Elizabeth II and Washington]] / Washington: Hey hey you whats. / Lincoln: You guys, I think today is a special day... / Lincoln: You know how sometimes it feels like someone is watching you? Today it feels like someone has been watching me TWO HUNDRED TIMES. / Washington: Do you really think anyone is watching you? It's not like you even do anything interesting. I guess it might be funny to watch you pee or pick your nose or something. / [[Lincoln with an indignant look on his face]] / Lincoln: I do not pick my nose ok! For the last time, I don't know how that pile of boogers ended up on my nightstand!
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A Tubby Fellow Taft: Halloo there, chums! / Lincoln: Oh, hey Taft. / Washington: Well if it isn't good ol' Jowly Thunderbuns himself! / Lincoln: George, be nice! There's a lot of cool facts about Taft besides that he was fat! / Lincoln: For instance! Did you know that Taft was the first to use the Oval Office? And he was the first to have a presidential car! He was the last to have facial hair and the first to play golf as a hobby! / Taft: Ol' Stinky-lips Washington is right! I was the fattiest boombattiest of the presidents, weighing in at over 350 pounds. But that's all changed now, thanks to my new system, Radical Weight Loss Through the Removal of Everything Below the Neck! / Taft: I only weigh, like, 70 pounds now!
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Mercantilist Empires MY ESSAY ON ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND MERCANTILIST EMPIRES. / [[Lincoln is deep in thought]] / Lincoln:Hmm, I should try to establish a mercantilist empire. / Queen Elizabeth II: Hello, Abraham. You seem thoughtful. What is on your mind? / Lincoln: Oh, I am just wondering what would be the best way to establish a mercantilist empire. / Queen Elizabeth II: Ah, yes! Mercantilist empires! I have wondered the same thing myself. / Lincoln: Yeah. / IN CONCLUSION, MERCANTILIST EMPIRES. / [[Lincoln is thinking again]] / Lincoln: Mercantilist empires are way sweet.
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Bugs of Unusual Size Lincoln: Whoa, what the heck? / [[A HUGE grasshopper looking bug appears, dwarfing the puny head of Abraham Lincoln]] / Lincoln: AHH HOLY CRAP IT IS A GIANT BUG PERHAPS COME TO SQUISH HUMANS BENEATH ITS NUMEROUS FEET IN RETALIATION FOR THE LOSS OF MANY OF HIS TINY BRETHEREN UNDER OUR OWN FEET / Washington: How do you KNOW it's a giant bug? What if you are just suddenly tiny? Or what if your eyes are just playing tricks on you? You can't trust your senses, man. / Lincoln: Well, I guess I hadn't considered that... / [[ a TOMBSTONE which reads: Here lies G. Washington and A. Lincoln, squished into such a mushy pulp by a giant bug that they had to be buried together]]
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Secret Identities Earhart: It sure is a nice day here at Niagara Falls, isn't it, Zombie Samuel Clemens? / Clemens: It sure is, Amelia Earhart! / Earhart: Oh no! Some retarded boy just jumped over the edge! What are we going to do! / Clemens: I, uh--are you hungry? I'm gonna go get some hotdogs. / Earhart: Um, what? Hot dogs at a time like this? / Earhart: Oh my gosh! Superman is saving that retarded boy! Hooray! / Clemens: I heard there was trouble! I, Zombie Mark Twain, am here to help! I - oh, I guess Superman took care of it. Stupid Superman. People always just expect me to use my super powers to say something cleverly sardonic about the situation. I swear, most people don't even know I can fly, or that I can heal by sprinkling my armpit dandruff on the sick or wounded.
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The Republic of Neologisms Lincoln: ...so then I was all, "what the bronkle!!!" / Washington: Dude, no wonder she didn't call you back. Your dumb made-up words are not nearly as funny or cool as you think. You should just cut it out, ok. / Lincoln: Man, that is IT! Frup this place and frup you guys! I don't need it OR you! I'm going to start my OWN country with my own sweet made-up language, and you suck-borts will be so jealous because it will be so kick-flippin! / Lincoln: Yeah! I'm gonna call it the Republic of Aberia and I will rule it as a benevolent philosopher king! This is going to rock the clocks. / Washington: Whatever. This conversation is stupid and I want it to be over now. / Washington: On a mercifully unrelated note, you're out of cupcakes because I ate them all. / Lincoln: What! This is an act of war! Mark my words, you have gormped your last perschnoozle!
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The Republic of Lovely Ladies Rasputin: So Abe, I heard you're starting your own country. How's that working out? / Lincoln: Great! I have got big plans! BIG PLANS! / Lincoln: Well, ok, mainly one big plan. / Lincoln: My plan is for ladies to pay no taxes in the Republic of Aberia! This will encourage lots of lovely ladies to move to my country! And that, in turn, will encourage the dudes to come and pay taxes to keep the country running! This is such a great plan! / Rasputin: Isn't that kind of sexist? Though, I guess I don't know who would really complain... / Lincoln: This is a form of sexism I think we can all agree on!
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Botanophobia Lincoln: This place is so drab. I bet some nice house plants would spruce it up a bit! / [[Washington looks all concerned and stuff]] / Washington: Dude, no! Don't you know I'm afraid of plants? / Lincoln: Haha, whaaaat? How can you be afraid of plants? / Washington: I just am, ok? It's not like you get to pick what you're afraid of. Look, basically, just don't ask me to water your plants while you're away or anything and it'll be fine. / Washington: Abe? Where'd you go? / [[Lincoln hops in with five wicked fake leaves stuck to his head]] / Lincoln: Boogie boogie boogie! / Washington: I said I was afraid of plants, not morons with construction paper leaves taped to their face.
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Fear Factor Lincoln: So... if you COULD choose what you're afraid of, what would you choose? And don't say "nothing" because that is just crunk. / Washington: I think it would be smart to be afraid of something I'm not likely to ever encounter, like 18th century porcelain penguins or really enourmous diapers or something. / Lincoln: Pshh... I GUESS. / Queen Elizabeth II: I would be afraid of, perhaps,tigers or... brutal savages running amok! Romantic, yet terrifying! / Lincoln: Man, whatEVER! You guys are so lame! I would be afraid of something badass like, say, killer robot laser-crocodiles or like, nuclear rocket poodles. / Lincoln: Uh, poodles are still badass, right?
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