You're browsing the archives of Thinkin' Lincoln.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Olfactory Offenses | Abe Lincoln: Ew, what's that smell? It smells like... tuna-coffee! / George Washington: Ugh! No, it smells more like dirt-baloney to me. / Queen Elizabeth II: No, it definitely smells more like stale chips and -- / Emperor Norton: I EAT THINGS FROM DUMPSTERS FOR MONEY http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=239 |
| Nomads More Like No-Nads | Lincoln's Head: All right, everyone, see ya! I'm leaving to go live the life of a nomad! / Lincoln's Head: Yes, I will live off the land as the fierce and noble red man once did. Er, Native American that is. / Washington's Head: That's stupid. This is a stupid idea, and you are a stupid person for having it. You don't know the first thing about living off the land. What are you going to eat? / Lincoln's Head: Well, you know, like... buffalos and stuff... / [[Two fierce-looking, red-eyed, horn-headed, three shades of brown-shaded, cloven-hoofed buffalo are looking fierce, eyeing red, heading horn, shading three shades of brown, and hoofing cloven while Lincoln's Head hides behind an outcrop of rock: afraid!]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=240 |
| Famous Relatives | Queen Elizabeth: Hey Abraham, I heard you are related to Tom Hanks! Is that true?? / Lincoln: Yeah, I dunno. Supposedly. I guess some people think that my great, great grandfather was the brother of Tom Hanks' great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather. Or something. / Jose de San Martin: Wow, you're related to Tom Hanks? Can I have your autograph! / Lincoln: What! I'm WAY more famous than Tom Hanks! I have a national holiday! I'm ABRAHAM LINCOLN! / Jose de San Martin: You know what? I don't want your autograph anyway. Come talk to me again when you're one of the highest grossing actors ever, Has-been. / [[Lincoln has shaggy beard; volleyball with a face crudely drawn on it is drifting out to sea]]
/ Lincoln: SPAAAAAAAAAALDING!!!! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=241 |
| LASER DISEASE | Lincoln: Ahh I feel awful I think I have laser disease / Washington: Ahh stay away you are probably giving me your laser germs / Elizabeth: Laser disease is a terrible epidemic / [[a pie chart illustrates the causes of death in the United States]]
/ CAUSE OF DEATH IN THE UNITED STATES
/ Too many nachos - 18%
/ Goat-Related - 12%
/ Spandex - 16%
/ Pie Graphs - 10%
/ Laser Disease - 44% / [[A red laser spouts forth from Lincoln's mouth with text inside]]
/ LASER / [[A red laser spouts forth from Lincoln's mouth with text inside]]
/ BARF http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=242 |
| WAR doot doot HUH | Lincoln: Hey Washington, you were a general in the Revolutionary War, right? What's war like? / Washington: I remember the time when we were passing through Valley Forge, Pennsylvania. It was a bitter winter and the snow was deep. My men had marched until their shoes had worn out, and they had more marching yet to do. / Washington: As an aside, my own shoes at the time were some seeet pneumatic robo-shoes I had ol' Benjamin Franklin make for me. They made this awesome "FHZZHT FREE-URT" sound when you walked. / Lincoln: Did... they do anythying else? / Washington: Not really. You'd think they'd have done more stuff for how much they cost. I mean, I had to give up buying like 40 crates of regular shoes just to get them! / Washington: WAR IS HELL. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=243 |
| Lemonade | Lincoln: Ugh! IT is SO HOT. / Lincoln: The solution to this problem is clearly LEMONADE. / Lincoln: LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE LEMONADE DANCE / [[giant vat of yellow liquid appears]]
/ Lincoln: LEMONADE!!! / [[Lincoln is submerged in yellow liquid]]
/ Lincoln: HCHGUHUGGLE HGCHHHUGHG / [[Washington on phone]]
/ Washington: Hey, man. Listen, have you seen my enormous jar of urine around?
/ Washington: No, I already called Lincoln. I couldn't get ahold of him.
/ Washington: I - hey, it's none of your business why I need it. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=244 |
| Stark Raven | Lincoln: Hey - hey Poe! / Poe: Sigh... what do you want? / Lincoln: Hey - hey - do that one about the bird. The talking bird story! That bird is so crazy! He's all like "NEVERMORE" hahaha! Talking birds! / Poe: You... want me to - what? Recite my poem, The Raven? Because... you think it's funny? / Lincoln: Yeah! Ooh ooh and do the voice! The funny voice! / Poe: Yes... I will recite the poem... I will - / [[Ravens flock from behind Poe]]
/ Poe: FLY! FLY MY LOVELIES! PLUCK HIS EYES! SAMPLE HIS FLESH! / [[The ravens fly past Lincoln and into the distance]]
/ Lincoln: Come back birdies! Tell me a story!
/ Poe: ...last time I buy discount ravens... http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=245 |
| Sum-sum-sum-sum-some of the time? | Woo! It's Summertime! / Summer is the time for kickin' back and wearin' shorts. / Awwww yeah. Short pants. / Hooray for Summer, am I right, amigos? / Whoa. Dude. Can you not read English? / [[sign reads]]ABSOLUTELY NO DUDE-BIKINIS http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=246 |
| Nietzsche is hard to spell, FYI | Hey, aren't you Fred Nietzsche?
/ I sure am! / Cool! You're like famous right? I bet it's because of that crazy mustache. You could knock out a walrus with that thing! / Actually, no, unfortunately not. I'm famous for all this philosophy junk I wrote. One of the most controversial things I said is that God is dead. A lot of people are upset about me saying that, it seems like. / What! YOU'RE the one who told everyone about Ichlor? You are a tattletale, Friedrich Nietzsche! A filthy dirty tattletale! / [[Lincoln flashes back to a scene of him cooking Ichlor in a big pot]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=247 |
| Independence Day 06 | Lincoln [[wearing an Uncle Sam-esque stars 'n' stripes top hat]]: Woo! July 4th! Second best holiday! WOOOO! / Washington [[ditto]]: I was there you know! When they made up the Declaration of Independence, or the Indy Decco as we called it back then. Yup, they even sent me a copy, which I read to my troops. You know- / Lincoln: George, who cares. Seriously, no one. Anyway, have you got a plan or what? Last year was a disappointment. This year we have to either do something awesome or something totally awesome. / Washington: Last year, we let Van Buren talk us into doing a lame Independence day prank. Never again.
/ Lincoln: Agreed.
/ Washington: This year will be different. Listen up. / [[Washington whispers into Lincoln's ear.]]
/ < http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=248 |
| The Law Of Nature | Abraham Lincoln: GEORGE WASHINGTON IF YOU DO NOT REMIT UNTO ME MY MISSING SLIDEWHISTLE I WILL BE FORCED TO REND YOUR FACE IN TWAIN THAT IS THE LAW OF NATURE / George Washington: I thought the law of nature was like, about lions or something. / Abraham Lincoln: I THINK I WOULD KNOW THE LAW OF NATURE SEEING AS HOW I AM NATURES LAWYER / George Washington: I thought beavers were nature's lawyers. / Abraham Lincoln: What?? No, beavers are nature's lumberjacks. / [[A beaver dressed as a lumberjack holds an axe]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=249 |
| Comedy is Just a Theory | Abraham Lincoln: Hey Darwin, what if there was some kind of scary lizard that like evolved some hair and ended up evolving like a sweet pompador? Huh? That would mess up your whole theory, wouldn't it. / Charles Darwin: Wh-- / Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, let's see how YOU like it with someone all up in your craw and farting all over YOUR theories all the time. / Charles Darwin: LOOK MAN I WILL STOP BAGGING ON YOUR "UNIFIED THEORY OF PETTING PRETTY PONIES BUT STILL BEING BADASS" WHEN IT PASSES PEER REVIEW OK http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=250 |
| To Coin or Not to Coin | Lincoln: Guys, I would say that "Abe Lincoln is pretty awesome," to coin a phrase. / Queen Elizabeth: Wait, what? You're coining the phrase "Abe Lincoln is pretty awesome"? / Lincoln: "Yes I am," to coin a phrase. / Lincoln: You see, to coin a phrase, my plan, to coin a phrase, is to coin everything I say as a phrase, to coin a phrase, and everyone will have to attribute everything they say to me, to coin a phrase, and everyone will love me, to coin a phrase, and it's the perfect plan, to coin a phrase! / Queen Elizabeth: Abraham, that is stupid and annoying and it won't work anyway. By definition, you can only coin a phrase that no one has said before. / Queen Elizabeth: Though in fairness I suppose you probably did coin the phrase "Abe Lincoln is pretty awesome". http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=251 |
| One Year | Lincoln: A year is 365 days long. / Darwin: Technically, a year is 365.2425 days, which is why we have a leap year every 4 years, which adds an extra day to make up for the difference - / Lincoln: Hey Sciencey, why don't you perform some experiments which strictly adhere to the scientific method or something. / Lincoln: Anyway, as I was saying. A year is 365 days long. The reason for this arbitrary-seeming number is lost to the mysteries of time, but it is believed to have been given to us by the Moon-Fathers, the beings tho brought all original knowledge to mankind. / Queen Elizabeth: Actually, 365 days (or so) is how long it takes for the Earth to make one revolution around the Sun. This has been known since before the Aztecs - / Lincoln: NO MY HEAD IS STRONGER THAN YOURS I PUSH YOU AWAY WITH IT THUS PROVING THAT I AM THE ONE WHO KNOWS MORE FACTS
/ Queen Elizabeth: But - http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=252 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=253&ref=nf">http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=253&ref=nf | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| States' Rights | Lincoln: The issue of states' rights in the USA is a complicated and interesting topic. There is a delicate balance between the powers of the states and those of the federal government. When evaluating this topic, it is important to consider the nation's history. Of particular note is the face that it was originally framed as a somewhat loose association of states. / Washington: I think I would KNOW what the US was like when it was first formed. / Lincoln: No doubt you would. My own place in history, I think, lends a certain amount of, if not importance, then notability to my opinions on the subject of states' rights. / Washington: I... I guess that's true. But you know whose place in history lends him a large amount of lame boringness and who-cares-itude? / Martin Van Buren: Hey guys, did you know that I was the first president born after the signing of the Declaration of Independence? Isn't that, like, the craziest thing you ever heard? / Lincoln: Yes, yes I do. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=254 |
| On the Reality of Coolness | Abe Lincoln: Aww, yeah. Abe Lincoln is a slick, shiny dude. / Abe Lincoln: Abe Lincoln swaggers and struts and he's cool like Gandhi. / George Washington: Abe Lincoln is a dweeb, man. Nobody thinks he's cool. / Abe Lincoln: His mom thinks he's cool. / Abe Lincoln's Mom: No she doesn't! Now clean your room, dweeb! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=255 |
| Foolishness | Lincoln: So, it is my theory that every circle of friends is going to be composed of several basic archetypes. For instance, most groups will have a "the dumb one" who is mainly kept around because the things he does are so stupid that they make the others laugh and/or feel better about themselves. Who do you guys think is our dumb one? / Queen Elizabeth II: Uh...
/ Washington: Haha! You are, obviously. / Lincoln: What! I'm not the dumb one! It has to be somebody else! Like, uh... Darwin! Yeah, it's probably him. / Darwin: Abe, I'm afraid it is indeed you. But hey, don't take it too hard! You're like our court jester, so to speak. If you know your history, you know that the fools were the only ones who could tell the truth - ostensibly in jest - without incurring the king's wrath. Yeah. You're like that. In some way. / Lincoln: Maybe... maybe it IS me. I guess the fool was inside me all along. / Small Jester: Uh, excuse me? Hello? Is there anyone who can help me? I seem to be trapped inside someone's cranium. Abe Lincoln's I think. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=256 |
| Unexplained Phenomena | Lincoln: Man, the weirdest thing: this morning I head into the little presidents' room to relieve myself and as I'm washing up, I look in the mirror and notice a bit circle of dried blood... on my eyelid. And I wasn't cut or anything. Seriously, what the crumpet. / Washington: That's pretty weird. Maybe, like, while you were sleeping, a mosquito or something exploded near your eye for some reason. / Jose de San Martin: Spontaneous nocturnal insect explosions seem implausible. More likely, some alien surgeons performed on you in the night, leaving no trace. But then one alien got carless and a drop of blood was left behind. / Queen Elizabeth II: I bet you were sleep walking! Maybe you got in a sleep fight! Or like maybe you walked past a butcher shop when he was throwing out some extra blood and you got splattered. / Zombie Mark Twain: My guess is that ninjas are somehow involved. / [[Extreme closeup on Mewsevelt's face; there is blood on his teeth and smeared around his mouth]]
/ Caption: THE PREVIOUS NIGHT
/ Lincoln [[out of frame]]: zzzzzzz... http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=257 |
| Motorin | Lincoln: Dudes I am helluva getting a motorcycle / Queen Elizabeth II: Oh my, that doesn't seem very prudent! / Lincoln: Man why not. Seems like one of the more prudent ideas of the week if you ask me. / Queen Elizabeth II: They are very dangerous, Abraham! You could get hurt! / Lincoln: Stop bein' heckly quadrilateral and join my motorcycle gang. / [[Lincoln and Queen Elizabeth II sit scowling underneath a sign that says "Hella Motor Dudes" with matching black helmets]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=258 |
| Craw Crammin' | Abraham Lincoln: Man, I can't believe you hate spaghetti but love linguini. They're the same thing! Linguini is like a little wider or whatever. / Abraham Lincoln: It's all the dang same when you're crammin' it down your craw anyhow. / Queen Elizabeth II: Some of us do not "cram" things down our respective "craws". Some of us eat our food a little more delicately. / Abraham Lincoln: some of us / Abraham Lincoln: are doing it / Abraham Lincoln: wrong http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=259 |
| Opinions | Lincoln: I've got a bunch of opinions about things and I am pretty sure they're all right. / Washington: What a coincidence! I too have a number of opinions on various topics and believe that they are the correct ones. / Lincoln: Hey, cool! Do you think that your opinions agree with mine? If so, then you DO have the right ones! That would be cool for you. / Washington: More like you'd be lucky if your opinions happen to agree with mine because then you'd get to be right. More like that. / Lincoln: Wait, that gives me an idea... / [[Lincoln is wearing goggles, and a hammer is hitting an old-fastioned computer]]
/ Narrator: THE DECEASED PRESIDENT IS INVENTING THE INTERNET http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=260 |
| The Best Fruit | Lincoln: I have decided: blueberries are the best fruit. / Washington: Who died and made you King of Best Fruits? / Lincoln: Hooblemayer Von Frütenberg. / Hooblemayer Von Frütenberg [[wearing crown]]: Abraham, my son, come close. My time draws near its end. / Hooblemayer Von Frütenberg [[addressing Lincoln, who is holding a video game controller]]: Young Abraham, this is of utmost importance. Soon you will inherit the mantle of Kingship. If you remember anything I have told you, let it be this: a just king must never dictate to his subjects which is the Best Fruit. To do so is to betray the sacred trust the people have placed in him. With great power... *urk* / [[Lincoln continues to play videogames and is wearing Von Frütenberg's crown]]
/ Lincoln [[in thought bubble]]: Man, who WAS that guy? I wonder if this weird hat will make me better at videogames. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=261 |
| A Symbol for Our Times | Lincoln: Hey, I just realized something! Unicorns should be the new symbol for feminism! / Washington: What's the current symbol for fem-- / Lincoln: Think about it, man! Unicorns are like totally girly, but at the same time they could beat you up and take your wallet. PLUS they symbolize purity and havin' a horn and how everybody likes unicorns. / Washington: Uh, dude I don't think feminists are all that into things that symbolize havin' a horn... / [[Two angry-looking suffragettes (Elizabeth Cady Stanton & Susan B. Anthony) with severe hairdos, next to a sign that says: "DOWN WITH HORNS"]] / Lincoln: Aww, look at those two. Just two ladies who aren't very good-looking wanting the right to vote. Keep up the good work, ladies! I respect you! And your struggles! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=262 |
| The Rules of the Road | [[Washington and Lincoln are together; there is a steering wheel in front of Lincoln, who is ostensibly driving a car]]
/ Another car [[from out of frame]]: HONK HONK / Lincoln: HEY CRAM-FACE GO SUCK ON A FORK WHY DONT YA / Washington: Dude, you totally snooched right in front of that guy in line. Complete and utter snooching. / Lincoln: So what if I did? So what if I snooched. That guy is a cram-face, all right? He left a big gap and was slowing up traffic, and then had the nerve to honk at me. / Washington: Did you ever think maybe he left that gap between him and the next car because that is how reasonable, safe drivers drive? / Lincoln: You know, George, I thought there was something a little different about you today, but I just now realized what it is. / [[Close-up on rearview mirror; in the passenger's seat of the car is a brown paper bag labelled: "WUSS BAG"]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=263 |
| The Rock and Roll Music | [[A radio is playing and Lincoln is gritting his teeth and headbanging]]
/ Radio: COME ON BABY LET'S MAKE HELL-SPAGHETTI TONIIIIIGHT WE WILL FEAST IN A MANNER SIMILAR TO THAT IN WHICH SATAN FEASTS TONIIIIIGHT / Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, my! That music is rather loud, Abraham! / Lincoln [[still listening to radio]]: You're not my real mom! I don't have to listen to you! / Queen Elizabeth II: I-I'm not your mother at all... / [[Extreme close-up on the volume knob of the radio, with a clock-wise arrow, implying that the sound is being turned up]] / [[Lincoln listens, making an extremely angry face]]
/ Radio: IF SOME OLD LADY (OLD LADY!!) PERHAPS SHE IS WEARING A CROWN (A CROWN OF HATE!!) TRIES TO TELL YOU YOUR MUSIC IS TOO LOUD (TURN IT DOWN!!) THEN I WOULD SUGGEST PHYSICAL VIOLENCE TO HER PERSON AS THE OPTIMAL SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=264 |
| Space Trips | Lincoln: All right, dudes, I'm going to the Moon! See ya. / Lincoln: Well that was odd. Apparently there is a moon version of everyone on Earth, who is pretty much just like the earth version only they wear a space helmet. / Charles Darwin: Wait, what? That doesn't make any -- h-how did you even get to the Moon? It costs millions of dollars to go up there! / Lincoln: I just took the space elevator. / [[Elevator with floor markings labelled "EARTH" and "SPACE"; arrow currently points to "EARTH"]] / Darwin: This raises more questions than it answers! / [[Chalkboard, with two columns written on it. One is partially obscured by the left parameter of the frame, but is labelled: "QUESTIONS ANSWERED" and in that column "HOW LINCOLN GOT TO SPACE". The other is labelled "QUESTIONS RAISED" and says:
/ -WHAT
/ -SERIOUSLY
/ -I MEAN, WTF
/ -THAT IS NOT WHAT THE SPACE ELEVATOR IS LIKE
/ -HOW DOES IT EVEN WORK
/ -IT MAKES NO SENSE
/ -WHERE DID IT COME FROM ANYWAY
/ -WTF!!!!!!!!]] http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=265 |
| Relative Intelligence Across the Ages | Lincoln: Man, people in medieval times were so dumb! Come on, medieval people, smarten up! / Zombie Mark Twain: Well, statistically it is true that people in general are smarter today than they used to be... / Lincoln: Well, OBVIOUSLY. If they were as smart as me, they'd have stopped putting plain old rocks in their catapults and started putting in nasty stuff like scorpions or really gross old milk. / Zombie Mark Twain: I could kinda see sticking a buncha scorpions in a catapult and launching them at some dudes, I guess, thought I don't think it would be real practical. I mean, where are you going to get all those scorpions, and besides the dudes are wearing armor so mostly it would be a waste. But gross old milk as a weapon of siege warfare? What? / [[Lincoln is drinking greenish milk from a carton; then he spits it out with a sour look on his face]]
/ Caption: EARLIER / Lincoln [[thought bubble]]: At least this isn't as bad as that time I accidentally drank that carton of scorpions. http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=266 |
| Miscommunication | Lincoln: Hey, Beethoven, can I ask you something? / Beethoven: I AM SORRY SIR I CANNOT HEAR YOU I'M AFRAID I AM A BIT HARD OF HEARING / Lincoln: Yeah, so I don't think my band is working out. All the other guys in the band are always saying how lame I am and how the band would be good if only I weren't in it. / Beethoven: I SEE YOUR LIPS MOVING BUT I CANNOT HEAR THE WORDS / Lincoln: So I don't know, do you think I should just quit? Or should I try to stick around? I mean, I am a founding member. That should count for something. / Beethoven: SIR DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I AM DEAF EXCUSE ME SIR / Lincoln: I guess in the end though, I do want what is best for the band. And that might mean quitting. / Beethoven: YOU ARE TRULY BLUDGEONING ME ABOUT THE FACE AND CROTCH WITH YOUR OBLIVIOUSNESS SIR http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=267 |
| Tech Support | Washington [[wearing phone headset]]: Good afternoon. You've reached Founding Fathers Technical Support. My name is George; how can I help you? / Lincoln [[on phone, angry]]: MY COMPUTER IS BUSTED CAN YOU FIX IT!!!! / Washington: Sir, please calm down. What is the nature of your problem? / Lincoln: How am I supposed to know? You're the computers guy. / Washington: Ah, yes. I think I can help you. Do you have any honey or molasses? Also, marshmallows? / Lincoln: What?? / Washington: Which of us is the computers guy? / Lincoln: Okay, you are. Just a sec. / Washington: Okay, first tilt the computer up so that the rear of the tower is facing upwards. Then find the fan for the power supply near the top. Take the marshmallows and just cram them into the fan holes as hard as you can. Once you've got them filled up good, go ahead and drizzle the honey over the whole thing. See, your problem is that your computer is filled with snakes. Snakes hate honey and marshmallows, so this should make them leave. / [[Inside the computer, there are four snakes visible; honey is dripping in from the top of the frame.]]
/ Snake: Crap! He's pouring in honey again! Everyone to the hard drive! http://thinkin-lincoln.com/index.php?strip_id=268 |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 >>