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| The Garden | Pink Thing: when she sleeps I steal little things / Pink Thing: soiled panties, her baseball glove and a toothbrush / Pink Thing: to plant in my yard! / Pink Thing: come harvest, I'm not going to need her. / {{by Justin Pierce and Joey Comeau}} http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000001.html |
| The Garden | Pink thing: when she sleeps I steal little things / Pink thing: soiled panties, her baseball glove and a toothbrush / Pink thing: to plant in my yard! / [[The pink thing's companion looks at it, intrigued.]] / [[The two of them stand in front of an enormous ball of energy]]
/ Pink thing: come harvest,... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000001.html |
| An Evening Stroll | [[A monster walks near a river in a bleak, dark, gray-skied landscape. A small winged goblin flies next to him.]]
/ Big Monster: WHY ARE WE HERE? WHAT IS LIFE? / [[The monster kneels at the water's edge.]]
/ Small Goblin: MAN, YOU KNOW THAT LIFE IS A CHANCE FOR US TO GET NAKED AND BONE CHICKS! / [[The... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000002.html |
| Complaint Office | {{Artist: Drew; Author: Ryan North}} / Title: COMPLAINT OFFICE
/ [[The only drawing is a black-and-white person wearing a business suit, tie and watch. His mouth is open and expression undecipherable]] Person: My complaint is a serious one and it is that I did not receive a single high five for my invention... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000003.html |
| Not Allowed | Wishing Well / [[Man throws coin into well.]] / [[Closes Eyes]] I wish... that everyone could be happy forever! / [[Walks away smiling while the well throws coin back out]] http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000004.html |
| C'mon Little Fish | [[One naked man (Naked Man #1) holds out a microphone to another naked man (Naked Man #2), who is yelling into it.]]
/ Naked Man 2: C'MON LITTLE FISH. YOU'RE ALMOST THERE! / [[Naked Man #1 covers the mike with his hand]]
/ Naked Man #1: don't yell, you idiot. You'll scare them before they reach our... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000005.html |
| Enterprise Does Get It All Wrong Sometimes Though | [[Ryan is walking across a lunar landscape studdeed with volcanic vents]]
/ Voice from outside panel: Ryan! RYAN! / [[In the middle of the empty plain, a bear wearing a bowler hat sits in one of two chairs pulled up to a table with a tea set on it]]
/ Bear: Ryan! Over here!
/ Hailing frequencies open! / Bear:... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000006.html |
| I Want To See More Of You | I wanted to talk about this with you but whenever we talk there's always something else going on, / and I don't feel this way until after I hang up. I want to see more of you. / Actually, that's not ever it - I want to feel like you want to see more of me. / I feel like I'm on the bottom of your... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000007.html |
| Behind The Capes | [[Blue taking a puff from a cigar]]
/ Blue: Describe the Captain in three words or less? Gosh... gosh. I don't know. We were never that close. / [[Blue holding hand to his head]]
/ Blue: He'd always reject me when I tried to give him a hug. / [[The Captain holding a beer bottle]]
/ Captain: Yeah. ... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000008.html |
| Whatcha Got There | A: whatcha got there
/ B: what does it look like dude / [[B holds cookie aloft]]
/ B: a goddamned cookie / A: that'll make your blood sugar rise, and you'll develop insulin resistance, a precondition for diabetes
/ B: also known as the american way http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000009.html |
| Remember | [[Two people, A and B, face each other smiling. A is touching B's face.]]
/ A: Remember I would touch your face like this? / [[B stops smiling.]]
/ A: Remember when you were alive and I would touch it just like this? / [[A stands alone, looking sad.]] http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000010.html |
| The Saddest Phrase In The World | [[Polar bear holding little girl's hand while they look at one another]]
/ "...what do you mean, 'anatomically incompatible'?" http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000011.html |
| Robbie | [[A father is speaking to his child, pointing his finger in the air. Child looks disappointed.]]
/ Father: Robbie was sick, so we took him to a farm to live, where he'll be happy.
/ Child: Oh. / [[Child is sitting with a sad look on his/her/its face, thinking about Robbie the robot.]]
/ Child:*sigh* / [Robbie... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000012.html |
| Alcoholism Can Be Beautiful | [[A woman and a man at a bar. The man holds a martini]]
/ Man: HEY THERE, GORGEOUS! I'M A TALKING MARTINI THAT CAN PROJECT MY VOICE. WOULD YOU SAY THAT... AROUSES YOU?? / [[The woman, cigarette in hand]]
/ Woman: BABE, YOU'RE NOT A TALKING MARTINI! BESIDES, I DON'T MAKE OUT WITH MY DRINKS. / Woman:... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000013.html |
| Not Today and Not With My Daughter | [[A man talking to a bird. The bird has a dead flower in his hand]]
/ Man: Friend, maybe you will know love, but not today and not with my daughter. You are a bird and she is not.
/ Bird: When I am inside her, she says I am not a bird. She says that I am springtime and I feel like I am falling from a... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000014.html |
| Twelve Years of Halloween | twelve years of halloween: a retrospective / [[series of abstract or childish looking pictures (which look like they have been done in ms paint or a similar program), with captions beneath them]] / 1983: anorexia / 1984: specter of man's mortality / 1985: worm hunter / 1986: world's smallest ghost / 1987:... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000015.html |
| This Woman Shows Up | [[A black and white photograph of a young woman]]
/ Narrator: Whenever I take a picture, this woman shows up.
/ Narrator: She first started appearing in high school. / Narrator: In the film, I mean.
/ Narrator: I'll take a picture of my couch, and she'll be there, snacking and watching TV. / Narrator:... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000016.html |
| Just Barely | [[The sun, partially covered by a cloud]]
/ The sun: HEY GUYS
/ The sun: GUYS
/ The sun: I GOT AN IPOD
/ The sun: REMEMBER WHEN THERE WERE OTHER MP3 PLAYERS / {{title text: ANYWAY, IT'S PRETTY OKAY, IT CERTAINLY PLAYS SONGS AS ADVERTISED}} http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000017.html |
| Elvis Is Going To Rock | [[The black silhouettes of two people in a dark space]] / [[Closeup of Dave's face]]
/ Dave: OH YEAH MAN! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT ELVIS CONCERT! IT'S GOING TO ROCK!!
/ Dave: THANKS FOR GETTING ME A TICKET, BARRY. THIS WILL BE THE GREATEST BIRTHDAY EVER! / [[Closeup of Barry's face]]
/ Barry: UM WELL,... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000018.html |
| Meanwhile | [[A woman sits smoking in front of her television]]
/ Narrator: meanwhile, in some dirty apartment near a college campus
/ TV: god, you're so melodramatic, all smoking and bleary / Smoker: i am an individual
/ TV: right now, millions of people are smoking and watching television, just like you
/ TV: you're... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000019.html |
| June 2nd 2005 - Penny Arcade | [[Two presumed friends are talking in front of a colored background, totally ripping off Penny Arcade.]]
/ Smug Stereotype: you're totally ripping off penny arcade. that comic isn't even drawn well
/ Angry Stereotype: shut it chunky / [[Alien Parasite bloodily bursts out of Angry Stereotype's chest]]
/ Alien... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000020.html |
| Best Friends Forever | [[A blonde man comes out of his house with a cardboard box containing a talking coffee pot]]
/ Coffee Pot: Oh boy! We're going to go on a POT of adventures! / [[In the man's car: The coffee pot is in the passenger seat and the blonde man is driving]]
/ Coffee Pot: I have GROUNDS to think that today is... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000021.html |
| Scott Talks About Ragtime | Hi, I'm Scott! Have you ever heard ragtime music? I really like ragtime music. It's old fashioned music played on the piano (usually) that has a very "raggy" beat! / I guess that's where the name come from, anyway. It's cool! Sort of march, but a little wacky. Ragtime! / Hello! I'm Katie. You may have... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000022.html |
| I Sprained My Ankle Jumping, Oh Man | Man: I think I sprained my ankle jumping. I had to limp all the way home! Oh man. / Man: SO I TOOK A PERCOCET. I PROBABLY COULD HAVE HAD A TYLENOL OR WHATEVER. SO MAYBE I TAKE THEM TOO EASY. / Man: I AM YOUR REFLECTION. MAYBE YOU DIDN'T NEED A PILL? I WONDER WHAT MOM IS DOING? (in heaven) http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000023.html |
| Tell Them I'm Sorry. | [[The female duck is in lingerie, in bed, smoking a cigarette. The male duck is putting on a tie while sitting on the edge of the bed]]
/ Male duck: I have to expose the crooked, corrupt underbelly of this whole fucking city.
/ Female duck: Aw no, baby. Please. / [[The male duck alone, he is still putting... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000024.html |
| The Name Of Every Woman I Ever Loved | [[three balloons float past the empire state building]]
/ the plan
/ was to write, on one balloon each,
/ the name of every woman i ever
/ loved,
/ then set them free / [[one of the balloons floats away from the other two]]
/ i've only ever loved two women though,
/ so i wrote "sam" on the third balloon. / [[the... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000025.html |
| Napoleon Dynamite | No, I've never seen Napoleon Dynamite. / Huh? This has nothing to do with Napoleon Dynamite. / He doesn't even know what Napoleon Dynamite is!! http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000026.html |
| My Womanly Curves | Hey / I wonder what things would be like if this woman knew I was oogling her right now. / Holy crap, what if she does? / HELLO MIKE
/ ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY BREASTS
/ MY
/ WOMANLY CURVES / Shit! She knows!
/ I'm not stopping though!! http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000027.html |
| Things Would Be Different | If I ever lose a limb, I'm getting it replaced with an all-purpose cyborg arm. / It would be so awesome! I would be living the dream. My ensemble would be complete! / Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh
/ I would have a can opener attachment and a pen and laser pointer and flame thrower and scissors... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000028.html |
| Mr Raisins, Look At That Thing | mr. raisins, look at that thing.
/ lookit. / that is where i left my purse. / help me in this thing so i can get my purse / < http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000029.html |
| X-9 Pirate-Golf | [[A pair of odd characters in pirate attire walking across a field]]
/ Cannonball: HEY GREENBERG, YOU KNOW WHAT SPACE MARK TWAIN SAID ABOUT X-9 PIRATE-GOLF, DON'T YOU?
/ Greenberg: UM, IT'S SPACETASTIC? / [[Approaching a cannon]]
/ Cannonball: HAHA! NO. HE SAID, "X-9 PIRATE-GOLF IS A GOOD ROCKET-CANNON... http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000030.html |