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| Edgar and Allen Poe: Almond Joy | I find the name of the Almond Joy bar to very misleading.
/ How so?
/ It only follows through on one of those two promises. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/almondjoy.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Back To Back | Do you wanna stand back to back with our arms crossed for a while?
/ Okay. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/backtoback.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Birthday Near Thanksgiving | My birthday's right near Thanksgiving.
/ Was that rough as a kid?
/ Yeah. My mom said the turkey was both my Thanksgiving AND my birthday present. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/birthdaynearthanksgiving.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Born To Rock | I was born to rock.
/ I was born to reheat some leftover meatloaf, balance my checkbook, then maybe take a little nap. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/borntorock.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Broomstick | The rap music is a terrible influence on today's youth.
/ What'd you say? I couldn't hear you over the broomstick lodged up your butt. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/broomstick.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Bubble Gum | I don't think blowing bubbles should just be limited to gum.
/ What are you saying?
/ I'm saying I want me some bubble ham. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/bubblegum.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Bumper Sticker | I got a new bumper sticker.
/ What's it say?
/ "My other car has a very similar sticker on it." http://edgarandallenpoe.com/bumpersticker.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Why The Caged Bird Sings | I know why the caged bird sings.
/ Why's that?
/ I stuck a microphone in there. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/cagedbirdsings.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Chasing Waterfalls | So what did you do today?
/ I went ahead and chased some waterfalls, rather than sticking to the rivers and the lakes that I'm used to. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/chasingwaterfalls.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Cheap Laugh | Why's that guy here?
/ Because his name gets a cheap laugh.
/ What is it?
/ Jimothy Clownfart. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/cheaplaugh.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Chopsticks | I ate mexican food with chopsticks.
/ What happened?
/ The universe imploded. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/chopsticks.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Christmas Wish | So what do you want for Christmas?
/ Presents. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/christmas.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Christmas Buyout | Did you hear that AOL-Time-Warner bought Christmas?
/ Really?
/ Yeah. Now it's called "X-Treme Giftabration." http://edgarandallenpoe.com/christmasbuyout.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Coffee Shop | I got kicked out of that hip new coffee shop.
/ How come?
/ I don't own a beret. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/coffeeshop.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Connect Four | Got three in a row. Go for one more. Go for it.
/ Connect Four. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/connectfour.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Conspiracy Theory | Do you have any conspiracy theories?
/ I don't believe that Burt Reynolds is really dead.
/ That's because he isn't.
/ I know. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/conspiracytheory.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Copyright Infringement | I hate Mondays.
/ Um... where's Edgar? What are you doing here?
/ Copyright infringement. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/copyrightinfringement.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Crazy Glue | I've invented an alternative to Crazy Glue.
/ Terrific.
/ It's called "Sensible, Level-Headed Glue." http://edgarandallenpoe.com/crazyglue.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Cream Pie | So I was carrying around this cream pie, and my friend Toby kept insisting that I "let him have it."
/ So did you let him have it?
/ Sure did. Punched him square in the face. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/creampie.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Cry At Weddings | Do you always cry at weddings?
/ No, but I always sit at weddings. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/cryatweddings.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Deja Vu | I can't wait for the movie "Deja Vu" to be released on DVD.
/ Why?
/ Because then I can say "Oh man, I just got Deja Vu... on DVD!" http://edgarandallenpoe.com/dejavu.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Dry White Flakes | You know those dry white flakes I've been itching off my scalp?
/ Yeah.
/ It wasn't instant mashed potato mix like you said. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/drywhiteflakes.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Egg Nog | My friend Greg made his own egg nog.
/ It's called Greg Nog, isn't it.
/ What? No. What are you talking about? http://edgarandallenpoe.com/eggnog.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Fabric Softener | Can I use your fabric softener?
/ What for?
/ My clothes are way too hard. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/fabricsoftener.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Favorite Movie | My favorite movie is mashed potatoes.
/ Wait, what?
/ Oh, did I say movie? I meant side dish. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/favmovie.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Flubber | I watched this old movie where this professor invented flying rubber and put it in his car and his car could fly.
/ What was it called?
/ I think it was called "The Professor Who Lost His Goddamned Mind." http://edgarandallenpoe.com/flubber.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Forest Fires | So yeah, apparently only I can prevent forest fires.
/ Wow. That's a lot of responsibility.
/ Tell me about it. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/forestfires.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Crappy Fortunes | What does your fortune say?
/ "You have several toes." What's yours?
/ "You will own a clock." http://edgarandallenpoe.com/fortunes.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Friendship Bracelet | Would you like a friendship bracelet?
/ I'd rather have a friendship twenty dollar bill. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/friendshipbracelet.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Gift Card | What are you getting your great aunt for Christmas?
/ Instead of the usual calendar or snow globe, I got her a gift card to the meaningless, thoughtless gift superstore. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/giftcard.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Post-Holiday Gift Review | WHat did you get for Christmas?
/ A new bike. What'd you get?
/ A rare skin disease. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/giftreview.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Giving Thanks | So what were you thankful for?
/ I was thankful that these pilgrims sat down and ate dinner this one time. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/givethanks.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Glue | I wish I could use this glue.
/ Why can't you?
/ It's Elmer's. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/glue.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Hippos | Do you want to play Starving Starving Hippos?
/ What's that?
/ It's like Hungry Hungry Hippos, only there's no marbles. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/hippos.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Hostage Situation | Did you have any traumatic childhood experiences?
/ Yeah. I was involved in a hostage situation.
/ Really? What happened?
/ Nickelodeon took over my school. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/hostagesituation.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Hottest New Jams | Who brings you the hottest new jams and the coolest prizes and giveaways?
/ Any terrible, run-of-the-mill radio station in the country. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/hottestnewjams.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: iHam | Have you heard of Apple's new iHam?
/ What's so special about it?
/ It's just like regular ham, except it breaks right after the warranty expires. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/iham.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Inner Child | Do you ever get in touch with your inner child?
/ My inner child has an inner ear infection. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/innerchild.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Ironic Juxtaposition | So I went to this chain restaurant that had traffic signs all over the walls!
/ What the?!
/ I know!! I was all, 'Am I inside? Am I outside?This place is so ironically juxtaposed!!' http://edgarandallenpoe.com/ironicjuxtaposition.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Ironic T-Shirt | There's only one thing funnier than a t-shirt with an ironic slogan on it.
/ What's that?
/ Everything. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/ironictshirt.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Locked Keys In Car | I locked my keys in the car today.
/ That blows.
/ Not really. My mom just opened the door and handed them back to me. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/keysincar.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Life On Other Planets | Do you believe in life on other planets?
/ I don't believe in other planets. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/lifeonotherplanets.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Long Time No See | Long time no see.
/ Why you suddenly talk like caveman? http://edgarandallenpoe.com/longtimenosee.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Lost | What are you doing over there?
/ I got lost. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/lost.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Magic Trick | Is this your ham?
/ Wow! That's a great magic trick! http://edgarandallenpoe.com/magictrick.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Middle East | I know how they can solve all the problems in the Middle East.
/ How?
/ Change the country's name to "Laughganistan." http://edgarandallenpoe.com/middleeast.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Milk Money | Some bully just stole my milk money.
/ That blows.
/ At least he left me enough money to buy the rest of my groceries. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/milkmoney.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Monster Truck Rally | I'm demanding a refund for my ticket to the monster truck rally.
/ Why?
/ Because I paid for the whole seat, but I only needed the edge. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/monstertruck.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Mosquito | I think a mosquito landed on my car.
/ How do you know?
/ My windsheild really itches. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/mosquito.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: New Hip Trend | Will you help me with my new hip trend of growing one single giant sideburn?
/ No. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/newhiptrend.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: New Intern | I think the new intern in my office is Bigfoot.
/ Why?
/ His resume just said "Roar!" and he's covered with thick fur. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/newintern.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: New Website | I've started a new website where you can find out what day of the week it is.
/ Um...
/ Memberships start at $19.95 a month. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/newwebsite.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Numbers Joke | Why was six afraid of seven?
/ Because seven raped nine. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/numbers.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Origami | I'm taking up origami.
/ What's that?
/ It's the ancient art of wasting valuable time and not impressing anybody. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/origami.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Parachute | What color is your parachute?
/ I don't know, I never read that book.
/ What book? http://edgarandallenpoe.com/parachute.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Parody Parody | I've written a parody of the Weird Al song "Eat It."
/ Um...
/ It's pretty much the exact same song, only sung in a British accent. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/parodyparody.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Peanut | The peanut is neither a pea, nor a nut.
/ It isn't?
/ It is actually a grape. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/peanut.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Pete and Repeat | Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?
/ Repeat.
/ That's correct. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/peteandrepeat.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Photo Booth | When I travel to vacation spots, I like to use the photo booth there to commemorate where I am.
/ You mean inside a photo booth?
/ Yes. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/photobooth.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Pizza | Where is the pizza I forgot to order over an hour ago?! Oh, wait... http://edgarandallenpoe.com/pizza.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Ponytail | I'm thinking of growing a ponytail.
/ What's that? You're thinking of looking like a complete douche?
/ That's what I said. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/ponytail.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Pop Punk | You know what my favorite thing about pop punk is?
/ What's that?
/ When I'm not listening to it. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/poppunk.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Pop-Up Ad | So what happened when you clicked that pop-up ad?
/ It enlisted me into the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/popupad.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Post-It Note | I've invented a new kind of Post-It Note, only it's not sticky at all.
/ Um... http://edgarandallenpoe.com/postitnote.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Public Broadcasting | What did you do today?
/ I called public broadcasting and demanded money for the crappy tote bag I sent them. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/publicbroadcasting.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Putt Putt Golf | You wanna play some putt putt golf?
/ You wanna shut shut up? http://edgarandallenpoe.com/puttputt.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Rebel Against Society | I feel like rebelling against society.
/ Me too. Let's play in or around a dumpster. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/rebelagainstsociety.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Seafood Diet | I'm on a seafood diet. When I see seafood, I eat it.
/ I think you got that joke wrong.
/ What joke? http://edgarandallenpoe.com/seafooddiet.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Second Opinion | You need to have your tonsils removed.
/ I want a second opinion.
/ Okay. You also have cancer. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/secondopinion.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Sitcom Surgery | I just had surgery so I can enjoy sitcoms.
/ What do you mean?
/ I had my sense of humor removed. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/sitcomsurgery.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Stock Boy | Do you have any more of these in stock?
/ Just a sec, I'll sneak out the back door, smoke a butt, then come back and tell you "no."
/ Okay, thanks. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/stockboy.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: The Stockings Were Hung... | The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
/ And filled to the brim with my pubic hair. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/stockingswerehung.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Store Bought Sentiment | If only there was some way to spend $4 on wishing somebody a Merry Christmas.
/ How about a Christmas card?
/ That's it! http://edgarandallenpoe.com/storeboughtsentiment.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Sunglasses | What's that?
/ Have you heard of sunglasses?
/ Yeah.
/ It's kinda like that. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/sunglasses.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Tea | Would you like some oily, foul-smelling leaf extracts mixed with scalding hot tap water?
/ Gross. No.
/ How about some tea?
/ Sure! http://edgarandallenpoe.com/tea.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Test Results | The test results came in.
/ What's the verdict?
/ I'm not ready for some football. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/testresults.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Tivo | I can program my Tivo to record shows, then I can fast-forward through commercials!
/ You mean like with a VCR?
/ Sort of, only more expensive. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/tivo.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Tofu Alternative | I've discovered an alternative to tofu for non-vegetarians.
/ Really? What's that?
/ Pork. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/tofu.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Turkey Day | You know what gets more clever, original, and hilarious every time somebody does it?
/ When someone calls Thanksgiving "Turkey Day?"
/ Exactly. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/turkeyday.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Turtleneck | Is that a turtleneck?
/ No.
/ It looks like a turtleneck.
/ It isn't. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/turtleneck.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: TVs In Restaurants | It's a good thing every restaurant has TV sets all over the place now.
/ Tell me about it. Otherwise we'd have to interact with our friends and family while eating. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/tvsinrestaurants.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Ultimate Butter | What did you do today?
/ Got a box of "Ultimate Butter" popcorn and put my thumb over the "er." http://edgarandallenpoe.com/ultimatebutter.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Unavailable | "Unavailable" keeps showing up on my caller ID.
/ That means their number is unlisted.
/ Darn. I thought it was my old roommate, Greg Unavailable. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/unavailable.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Unique Ringtone | My cell phone the most unique ringtone in history.
/ What is it?
/ The pope farting the Star Spangled Banner. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/uniqueringtone.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Vegas | What stays in Vegas, happens in Vegas. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/vegas.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Vote For Pedro | Vote for Pedro!
/ Vote for that was never remotely funny in the first place! http://edgarandallenpoe.com/voteforpedro.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Walkin' On Sunshine | I could never figure out why that "Walkin' On Sunshine" song is so upbeat.
/ Me neither. The sun's surface is really hot and would instantly kill a person. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/walkinonsunshine.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Wave Your Hands | Wave your hands in the air. And wave 'em like you're very concerned with what's going on. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/waveyrhands.jpg |
| Edgar and Allen Poe: Weather Conversation | Nice weather we're having.
/ Trite, banal, worthless conversation we're having. http://edgarandallenpoe.com/weatherconversation.jpg |
